Kyle MacLachlan: Thank you very much. Nice to be here, and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of “Saturday Night Live”. Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on “Blue Velvet” and uh.. of course, Agent Cooper from “Twin Peaks”. I.. uh.. was especially anxious for you to see what I’m like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual – I don’t know if they’ve done this before – but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions you might have about me. So? [ Woman in Audience raises her hand ] Yeah?
Woman in Audience: Yeah, um.. where you from?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yakuma, Washington. [ First Man in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah?
First Man in Audience: Is your name pronounced Mac – clock – land?
Kyle MacLachlan: Its Mac – loc – land, close. Its Scottish. [ Second Male in Audience raises his hand ] Yeah.
Second Man in Audience: Uh, yeah.. this isn’t so much a question about you – but I’m a big “Twin Peaks” fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah, its.. uh.. it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.. they’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so.. [ looks around casually ] Any more questions, or..? Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight. Sinead O’Conner is here.
Director’s Voice: Oh, Kyle. [ Kyle looks around ] Kyle?
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah?
Director’s Voice: Kyle, could you come to the control room for amoment? There’s a phone call for you.
Kyle MacLachlan: Yeah.. okay. Um.. excuse me.
[ Kyle walks off stage to the left, past television cameras and the camera crew, then walks up a hallway into the control room ]
Operator: [ holding telephone for Kyle ] It’s David Lynch.
Kyle MacLachlan: Oh, alright. [ takes phone ] David! Hey, are you watching?
Voice of David Lynch: Well, there’s nothing else good on.
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what do you think?
Voice of David Lynch: [ barks unintelligible slur of words ]
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?
Voice of David Lynch: How long have you been in this business?!
Kyle MacLachlan: Look, I’ve been in the business for six years, David. You know that.
Voice of David Lynch: [ more unintelligible barking of slur words ]
[ screen dissolves temporarily to a black and white photo of David Lynch, titled “Voice of David Lynch.” ]
Voice of David Lynch: ..back to Yakuma, Washington!!
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David. I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.
Voice of David Lynch: I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!DON’T TELL ANYMORE! [ barks unintelligible orders ]
Kyle MacLachlan: [ hangs up phone quietly ] Thanks. [ returns to center stage, nervously wrings his hands and faces the audience ] Uh.. uh.. excuse me, I.. uh.. I want to say one thing. Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was a joke. And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and.. and tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and, uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood, who deserves a real big spanking, would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around. We’ll be right back.
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey Moderator…..Phil Hartman Tadir Havadabadi…..Tom Davis Jan Hooks…..Malid Haziz Amani Amad Havim Adabadi…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]
Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.
[ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]
President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.
You see, your leader – the godless liar, Saddam Hussein – is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying – nah gah do it! America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it’s a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!
You know, I’ve been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don’t fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin’ yet – wouldn’t be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]
As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] “Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers’ bones are buried.”
You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine – relaxing, in that relaxation mode – while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. “Jackals”, said Bar. “Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!”
So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing – really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!
[ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]
Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?
Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.
Moderator: Malid?
Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.
Moderator: Amad?
Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I’ve got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!
Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, “Kojak”. This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
SummaryWhy take chances? Producer Lorne Michaels had played the game before – cast members perform on “Saturday Night Live” for a few seasons, then leave the show to pursue careers in Hollywood or other walks of entertainment. Chevy Chase left in 1976; Aykroyd and Belushi left in 1979; even Eddie Murphy (though not under Lorne’s reign) left in 1984. It had been five full seasons since Lorne Michaels returned to “Saturday Night Live”, and there was danger of his current cast following the dreams of his original cast – in fact, Jon Lovitz and Nora Dunn didn’t return this season, so it was time for Lorne to think about discovering new talent for the show. Instead of finding himself stuck at the last minute, Lorne decided to overpopulate the cast, as a precaution. Along with the returning familiar faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers and Kevin Nealon, Lorne brought in new talent Chris Farley and Chris Rock, as well as aspiring performers below them such as David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney. If any of the remaining longtime veterans left the show, there would be plenty of performers available to take their places. The end result? A comedy explosion, exposing “Saturday Night Live” to some of its wildest, funniest and most unforgettable moments ever.
Air Date: Hosts: Musical Guest: Special Guests: September 24th, 1989 None Prince Father Guido Sarducci Kevin Nealon Victoria Jackson Dan Aykroyd Steve Martin Robin Williams Tom Hanks Billy Crystal Sam Kinison Joan Cusack Mary Tyler Moore Jon Lovitz Lorne Michaels Chevy Chase Jane Curtin Joe Piscopo Garrett Morris Susan St. James Christopher Guest Martin Short O.J. Simpson Steve Martin Buck Henry Charlton Heston Jane Curtin Laraine Newman Dennis Miller Jan Hooks Mary Tyler Moore Eddie Murphy’s Entourage Dan Aykroyd Jim Belushi Robin Williams Bruce Willis
Chevy Falls Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson gawk at the night’s celebrity guests. Chevy Chase insists he’s not too old to do the opening fall.
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before I bring out our first guest – Garth and I go see movies, right? And from time to time, we review them. So, right now, we’d like to present another installment of.. “Wayne & Garth’s Movie World!”
Together: “Movie World! Party time! Party time! Excellent!”
Whoo-oo-oo!!
Wayne: Okay! Let’s go to the movies!
Garth: Alright!
Wayne: Alright! The first movie is “Pretty woman”, with that totally excellent babe Julia Roberts! Grrrrrrrrowwwwllll!! I thought it was excellent – she’s magically delicious!
Garth: I agree! I thought she was excellent! She’s such a babe, it hurts – owwww..
Wayne: You’re right, Garth! You know, they should introduce stern legislation to curb such dangerous levels of babacity! Alright, the next movie. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, starring.. some turtles. Didn’t see it. Garth?
Garth: No, I didn’t see it. You know, you just can’t get in, there’s too many turtleheads!
Wayne: Good call! good call! Okay, the next movie. “The Hunt For Red October”, starring Sean Connery. Garth?
Garth: I really liked it, it was scary.
Wayne: I rather liked it – not!
Garth: Seriously?
Wayne: Okay, to be fair, you know, I really couldn’t pay attention, because I was sitting beside this guy – this mental case. He kept sniffing his fingers the whole time.
Garth: No way!
Wayne: Way!
Garth: Gross!
Wayne: Telling! Okay! The last movie is.. “Opportunity Knocks”, starring Dana Carvey. I thought it was funny. Garth?
Garth: Sucked!
Wayne: Okay! Extreme Close-Up!
[ camera zooms in individually on Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream maniacally ]
Wayne: Okay!
Garth: Excellent close-up!
Wayne: Alright!
Garth: Good close-up!
Wayne: Okay! Last week, as you know, was Mother’s Day, right? So, in keeping with that spirit, let’s bring out our first guest, alright? You all know her as Garth’s mom – please welcome Mrs. Hillary Algar, Garth’s mom!
Wayne: Mrs. Algar, I just have to say it – for a mom, you’re a fox!
Hillary Algar: Oh, thank you, Wayne!
Wayne: No, I’m serious! I’m serious. You’re such a fox.. you should be on the FOX Network!
Hillary Algar: Really.. you’re embarrasing me!
Wayne: In France, you would be known as “La Renard” – The Fox! In England, you would be hunted by the aristocracy with only your cunning to protect you!
Garth: Hey, Wayne, that’s my mom you’re talking about!
Wayne: I’m sorry, Garth – sorry – but you got a babe for a mom! You’re such a lucky duck!
Garth: [ meekly ] She’s just my mom.
Wayne: Alright, Mrs. Algar – you’re married to Beev, right?
Hillary Algar: That’s right.
Wayne: [ to the point ] Why?
Hillary Algar: Because I love him.
Wayne: Okay, but.. I mean, here’s a picture of you.. [ holds up a stunning photo of Mrs. Algar ] Grrroowwlll!! Alright? And, here’s a picture of Beev. [ holds up a nerdy photo of Garth’s dad, Beev ] Contrast and compare. The man’s a dweeb! How can a dweeb like him be married to a fox like you?
Garth: Just shut up! Just shut up, Wayne! That’s my dad you’re talking about!!
Wayne: Alright! Take a pill! Geesh! Don’t have a harry about it!
Hillary Algar: Listen, Wayne, don’t call my husband a dweeb, you gimp! [ slaps Wayne ]
Wayne: [ pleased ] The fox came to fight! Alright, you’re right, okay.. Beev’s a nice man. I just got carried away.
Hillary Algar: Well, let’s talk about something else, okay?
Wayne: Alright. The summer’s coming up.
Hillary Algar: Perfect. What are you doing this summer?
Wayne: Well.. I’m gonna join the pool.. and then, later on, I’m gonna do Outward Bound. Garth?
Garth: [ taken by surprise ] Um.. my-my-my dad and I, we’re gonna go to, um.. computer camp, for a month..
Wayne: A whole month?
Garth: Yeah.
Wayne: Just you and your dad?
Garth: Yeah.
Wayne: And your mom’s not going?
Garth: No-o-o-o!
Wayne: Really?
[ Wayne frantically waves his hands, falling into a fantasy sequence ]
[ Wayne’s fantasy sequence becomes reminiscent of “Summer of ’42”, as he enters the Algar summer cabin carrying large bags of groceries, with Hillary by his side ]
Wayne: Where would you like me to put these groceries, Mrs. Algar?
Hillary Algar: Oh.. on the table is fine, and.. please.. call me Hillary. I’ll get my purse.
Wayne: Sure, Hillary!
[ Wayne puts the groceries down ]
Hillary Algar: Look, Wayne, I.. can’t thank you enough for carrying those heavy shopping bags all the way from the store. Why.. what with Beev and Garth away at computer camp.. I could really use a man around here.
[ ]
Wayne: Well.. you know.. if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?
Hillary Algar: Wayne, those bags are so heavy, and that store so far away.. please let me give you some money.
Wayne: [ manly ] I wouldn’t dream of it, Hillary.
Hillary Algar: Well.. at least stay and have a cup of coffee. You are old enough to drink a cup of coffee, aren’t you, Wayne?
Wayne: Shyeah!
Hillary Algar: I was just checking.
Wayne: [ dramatic pause ] I’m old enough.
Hillary Algar: How do you like your coffee?
Wayne: I like my coffee like I like my women.
Hillary Algar: Really? How’s that?
Wayne: Milk and two sugars.
Hillary Algar: What does that mean?
Wayne: I don’t know.
Hillary Algar: You’re sweet. [ grabs a letter from the mail, and begins to read it ]
Garth Voiceover: “Dear Mom. Beev and I are having so much fun, we’re staying an extra month. Love, Garth!” ,br>[ Hillary begins to weep ]
Wayne: Hillary? What’s wrong?
Hillary Algar: It’s just that it’s.. been so hard these past weeks with.. Beev and Garth away at computer camp. I feel so very alone!
[ Hillary falls into Wayne’s arms, as the familiar “Theme From Summer of ’42” pots up ]
Hillary Algar: Dance with me, Wayne.
Wayne: O-kay..
[ Hillary and Wayne begin to dance in a circle around the kitchen, with Hillary’s head on Wayne’s shoulder; each time Wayne slowly turns to face the camera, he gives an assured thumbs-up ]
[ suddenly, Garth waves his arms and falls into Wayne’s fantasy sequence ]
Wayne: Garth! What are you doing here?! This is my dream sequence!
Garth: [ points gun at Wayne ] That’s my mom, you pig!
Wayne: Garth! No!
Garth: [ shoots gun at Wayne ] Kaboo-oo-oommmm!!
Wayne: [ screaming as he faux dies ] Blood, blood, blood! Sinew! Entrails! Blood, blood, blood, blood!
[ Wayne falls out of his fantasy sequence, back into his basement show set ]
Garth: Wake up, Wayne! Wake up! Wake up, Wayne!
Wayne: Garth, don’t be mad at me!!
Garth: For what?!
Wayne: [ sees that he’s back safe in the basement ] Oh, good! It was all a dream! [ notices that the grocery bags from his fantasy are on the floor by the couch ] Or was it?! Who-o-o-o-o-oa-oa-aahhh!! That’s all the time we have this week! Hillary, I love you!
Hillary Algar: I love you, too, Wayne.
Wayne: [ surprised ] Really?
Hillary Algar: Fished in!
Garth: Alright! Good one, Mom! Excellent!
Wayne: Give me a tetnus, I just got a major fox bite! Okay! Until then – party on, Garth!
Lyle Clarke…..Dana Carvey Brenda Clarke…..Victoria Jackson Spunky’s Owner…..Candice Bergen
Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat The Cat who could drive a car. He drives around all over the town Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy – Spunky”.
[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]
Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.
Lyle Clarke: Thanks!
Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]
Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!
Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah.
Lyle Clarke: Hmm.
Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!
Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.
Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]
Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]
Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?
Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the falls ]
Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day – thanks to Toonces!
Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..
[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]
Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!
Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!
[ Kitten Toonces drives over a wall ]
Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!
Brenda Clarke: What is it?
Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.
Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.
Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!
Lyle Clarke: Really?
Brenda Clarke: Wow!
Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.
Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!
Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!
Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!
Lyle Clarke: And how!
Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!
The Clarkes: Yeah!!
Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!
Brenda Clarke: Okay!
Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!
Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]
Toonces: [ growls menacingly ]
[ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]
Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?
Spunky: [ meows ]
Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!
Spunky: [ meows ]
[ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ]
[ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]
Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.
Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!
Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?
Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!
Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..
[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]
Everyone: Uh-oh..
Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!
Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?
Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..
[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]
Everyone: It’s Toonces!!
Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?
[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ]
[ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]
Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!
[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]
Jingle: “He drives around all over the town Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Candice Bergen: Thank you very much! Thank you. You know, the first time I hosted “Saturday Night Live” was fifteen years ago, in November of 1975. Since then, I’ve always looked forward to hosting because this was the first show that allowed me to do comedy. Of course, now I have my own show, “Murphy Brown”. So, I really don’t need this show any more. Then, why am I here? Well, last Fall, they asked me to appear on the 15th Anniversary special. I sent them a nice note and said I would love to, but was really busy with my show, “Murphy Brown”. Which, at the time, was going into its second season, now a third. And I said, “Let’s do something later, maybe at the end of the season.” Who would have thought they would remember? So, here I am. And tonight, I want to do something very special for you. Because when I host, I host.
[ music plays ]
Male Chorus: [ singing ] “Candy! Ooh, Candy! Candy!”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ] “Just let me make one thing clear This will be one hot night. So let me do my thing here Inside a hot spotlight.
Everything will be dandyIf you leave it to CandyHey, worldI’m hosting!
Male Chorus: [ singing ] “She’s.. got.. some.. Help from the boys She’s got the band near And if we make too much noise Just tell them Candy’s here! ‘Cause she’s out of her cloister The world is her oyster.”
Male Chorus: [ singing ] “She’s the Easter parade A one-woman Thanksgiving Day! She lights up the sky Like the Fourth of July”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ] “I’m hosting, dammit! Get out of my way!”
[ music break ]
Male Chorus: [ singing ] “So bring her champagne We’re gonna pop the cork. ‘Cause Candy got on a plane And came back here to New York. She’s not here for the money She just ame to be funny And she’ll do what it takes to get laughs!”
Candice Bergen: [ singing ] “Going out of my head over you Going out of my head just for you Out of my head Day and night, night and day and night Wrong or right I’m hosting!”
Male Chorus: [ singing ] “Candy! Candy! Candy!”
Candice Bergen: I’m hosting!
We have a great show. Notting Hillbillies are here, and we’ll be right back!
A Special Message From The President Of The United States
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, in the past, when I’ve spoken to you from this office here, the news has always been good. Not bad – good! The Berlin Wall, the collapse of Communism, that Noriega thing over there – good, good, good! [ laughs ] It’s no wonder I’m up around that 80% approval area.
But now, tonight, the news I have to bring to you – not good. It’s kind of bad! Maybe after you hear it, my approval rating will slip down to 75%! [ laughs ] A little joke there for ya! Now, during my campaign for President, certain things were said. Things like “Read my lips.. no.. new.. taxes.” Now, when I said it, I meant it. I meant all three words. I meant “No”; I meant “New”; I meant “Taxes”. I meant ’em all! But situations change.. Spring becomes Summer; summer days become cloudy up there; sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic. Expenditures have continued to grow.. [ tilts his hand ] Up here.. right there, those little expenditures, right in that area. Revenues remain flat.. [ places other hand below first hand ] ..right down here. See this gap here? That’s what I wanna talk about, this budget deficit. The most frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Right here! [ hands are positioned so as to appear to be holding an invisible box ] Doesn’t go away. You can move it.. [ moves his hands all around, maintaining same shape ] Still the same size – flip it, turn it, throw it up, do anything you want.. [ moves his hands all over, keeping the shape intact ] ..don’t think I haven’t tried – still there! You can move it – move it in and out, results are always the same.
We’ve got that debt thing happening – we need cash. Sort of boggles my mind, but don’t fear. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a good plan. Gonna tell ta right now. Not avoiding it. Gonna come at ya with it, ready to tell you. Let the telling begin. Gonna come out with it! Here it comes! gonna tell ya – not afraid! Read my lips: I’m.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna ra.. I’m gonna ra-ra.. I’m gonna ra-raise.. I’m gonna raise.. [ hyperventilates ] I’m gonna rai.. [ stutters ] t-t-t-t.. t-t-t-tax-es.. There! I said it, loud and clear.
Now, you might ask me, who’s the money gonna come from? Could tax the poor; haven’t got the money – wouldn’t work! The rich – tax ’em all you want, they’re slippery suckers! The incorporate meal deductions – they’ll laugh at ya! Don’t want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there, doing that laughter thing he does. That leaves us with the beautiful middle class – dependable, always there, family people. Don’t know about keeping receipts, don’t have a lot of paper laying around. Solid people. Don’t think we don’t love you, you little taxpayers! [ laughs ] Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase – 8, 10, 12% – nah.. ga.. do it! I’m talking 3, 4% tops – no more than 5 – that’s it! So read my lips: No.. huge.. new.. taxes.
So, to sum up: Berlin Wall down; Communism collapsing; Noriega behind bars; gap! [ holds shape with hands again ] Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance; no huge new taxes. That’s right – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-ight!
Air Date:
Sinead O’Connor, “Three Babies”
Episodes
