Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 2nd, 1989 John Goodman k.d. lang & The Reclines None Lorne Michaels Conan O’Brien Annabeth Hartzog Tom Davis Jim Downey It Used To Be A Wonderful LifeRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman may be hosting the show tonight, but members of the cast and the audience are more interested in his co-star, Roseanne Barr (Victoria Jackson), who’s hanging out backstage. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Barr. Note: In the original live broadcast, the pre-taped segment with Goodman’s wife sitting alone in the audience failed to start, causing the monologue to end abruptly without its punchline. Goodman jokes about this during the Goodnights by pretending to hypnotize the live audience by chanting “There was no technical screw-up!” Both segments were replace with their dress rehearsal versions for reruns. Transcript
BeautyBath Recurring Characters: Corazon Aquino. Note: Repeat from 11/14/87.
Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Officer Wilson.
Cooking with the Anal-Retentive ChefRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A CarRecurring Characters: Toonces the Cat, Lyle Clark, Brenda clark.
k.d. lang & The Reclines performs “Pullin’ Back The Reins”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Voiceovers of George Bush (Dana Carvey) and Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) at the Malta summit are played over film clips. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) wanders onto the set. Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.
The Mike Ditka Type-A Christmas SpecialRecurring Characters: Mike Ditka, Santa Claus.
Counter Woman…..Nora Dunn Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman Bimbo…..Victoria Jackson
[ Jack Nicholson enters the Warner Brothers Payroll Office with two bimbos at his side ]
Counter Woman: Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?
Jack Nicholson: Yes, I think you can. I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Brothers, whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film “Batman.” The first payment, of which, I’m supposed to collect upon release of the videocassette, which I believe is today.
Counter Woman: That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson. [ grabs envelope ] Yes, I have a check for your “Batman” royalties here – through the 15th – totaling $50 million.
Jack Nicholson: Okay.. I would like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in Time-Warner stock, $4 million in travelers checks, and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.
Counter Woman: [ not amused ] We can’t split your payment that way.
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you can’t split my payment that way?
Counter Woman: We can’t sell travelers checks – it’s against the rules. I can give you $30 million in the government bonds, $5 million T-bills, and the rest in cash. It’s our Advantage Plan, it comes with a preferred interest rate.
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But that’s not what I want.
Counter Woman: Well – I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.
Jack Nicholson: Wait a minute – I have made up my mind! I’d like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in stock – forget the travelers checks – and the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.
Counter Woman: We don’t sell Time-Warner stock for cash!
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you don’t sell stock?
Counter Woman: Would you like to talk to the head of the department?
Bimbo: Hey, Mac!
Jack Nicholson: Shut up! You’ve got shares on the market, stock certificates of some kind?
Counter Woman: I don’t make the rules.
Jack Nicholson: Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can. I’d like $30 million in government bonds, and the rest in hundreds, twenties, and nickels.
Counter Woman: A select service plan. Anything else?
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account, convert it into Time-Warner stock, have the corporation sell the stock to me, I approve the transaction, I keep the stock, and you haven’t broken any rules.
Counter Woman: You want me to liquidate your corporate stocks, so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?
Jack Nicholson: I want you to hold it between your knees.
Counter Woman: You see that sign [ points to “No Smartness Or Sarcasm” sign ] I guess y’all have to leave! I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm!
Jack Nicholson: You see this sign?! [ sweeps his arm across the counter, busting the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
Tatsuo Nosaka…..Mike Myers Wacky Father…..Dana Carvey Wacky Mother…..Victoria Jackson Wacky Son…..Jeff Renaudo Wacky Daughter….. Bear….. Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
[Tatsuo sits at desk. behind him are posters of Columbia Pictures films]
Tatsuo Nosaka: Hello, my name is Tatsuo Nosaka, I am new president of Columbia Pictures. I want to take opportunity to tell American people, we understand what you like! We are working hard to make many new films and television shows for you to consume. In fact, we have just finished new situation comedy for American TV audience. It is crazy and out to lunch! It is called “The Nude House Of Wacky People.” Here are some scenes:
[Stock footage of a car wiping out and hurtling down a cliff. Inset circle of Tatsuo narrating]
Here is the father coming home from work with many American hamburgers for the family. He is driving so crazy it makes me laugh! Oh, no! He is crashing so much I have to laugh again! This is too much for me to look at and yet somehow I want to watch more!
[Sitcom living room. The father carries an armload of hamburgers through the front door]
Here is the father again, trying to carry the hamburgers home. Maybe he should carry the car it is so small by now!
[doorbell rings]
Oh, no! How much more insane can it get, I am wondering also.
A bear? How did he get there? There is no time for wondering, because the father is already fighting the bear! Then the bear leaves.
[The bear does indeed stop fighting and walks calmly out the door.]
Whew! Could we please stop now because it is so insane? No, we cannot!
[Wacky mother descends staircase]
Uh-oh, here comes the mother! She is asking the father why the hamburgers smell like a car that has crashed. He tries to think of a falsehood, but he cannot! So he throws fudge at her!
[Father throws a handful of fudge at mother. Bear enters from front door]
Then the bear comes back for more fighting!
[Fight continues]
This is so unusual, I might have to lose my mind! This family is too eccentric!
[Bear calmly leaves again]
I am glad it’s over.
[The two children come down the stairs]
Hey! Here are the children of the wacky family! “Thank you for so many hamburgers,” they say! “Ohhhh,” says the father, “you cannot have hamburgers or candy canes until you do your homework!” “But we have no homework,” say the children. “No homework?” Says the wacky father, “Then you will have to fight the bear!”
[Father opens the door for the Bear, who now fights with all four family members.]
I hope you have enjoyed these scenes from “The Nude House of Wacky People,” Coming in January on CBS! If these pictures have not already convinced you how insane it is, then how about this?
[a green, dollar-sign-festooned show ribbon appears with Ronald Reagan’s face inside]
That is right, it is the Ron Reagan United States presidential seal of approval!
Ronald Reagan: The Nude House Of Wacky People is just the kind of wholesome family entertainment that Japan is known for. Nancy loves it too!
Tatsuo Nosaka: And, don’t forget our other new shows, such as:
[Appropriate title card appears for each show]
“You Can’t Stop Him, He’s Too Insane!”
“Good Hitting Police,”
and, “Who Can Figure Out Such Devices?”
If I am not mistaken, they will all drive you into a gourd! Later, dudes!
Susan: Oh baby, that was amazing, like you know exactly what I need, you know? I’m just crazy about you. [ kisses Lyle ]
Lyle: [ with a lisp ] We’ve got to stop seeing each other, Susan!
Susan: No, but Lyle, it’s so good that we’ve got this great chemistry, baby.
Lyle: I’m a married man, and you’re a married woman. Isn’t yourhusband getting suspicious?
Susan: No, no. [ lights a cigarette ] Tony doesn’t suspect a thing, baby. I swear.
Lyle: How could he not?
Susan: Well, he thinks you’re gay.
Lyle: [ shocked ] What?! That’s insane!
[ Cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual He’s so terribly conjectual. Why he behaves that way, he’s not gay! He’s just Lyle, he’s swishy yes it’s true But he’s as straight as me, and probably you! The effeminate heterosexual No use getting intellectual Because nobody knows why He runs like a girl, he throws like a girl, Walks like a girl, talks like a girl He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you so help me He’s all guy”
[ fade in to Lyle’s house, Lyle in the living room ]
Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Kids, kids! The game’s on in five minutes, Bears vs. the Vikings! I’m not gonna wait for you!
Scott: [ from above ] Okay, Dad!
Lyle: [ strikes a weak pose ] Bears are gonna kick some ass, yay! [ sits down in his chair and takes a weak sip of his drink ] Yum yum, yummy beer! Let’s see what’s on after the game. [ leafs through TV Guide ] Ooh, “Splash”, Darryl Hannah, ouch, that hurts. Love to get some of that fishtail! [ Lyle’s wife suddenly enters the room ] Oh! Oh, my God! [ hides the magazine ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, what are you reading?
Lyle: Oh nothing, dear. How was your day? I love you, honey. [ kisses her ]
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, I love you too. It was the same. I’m a little worried about Scott, though. I think he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems a little upset.
Lyle: [ peevishly ] Well, I was wondering why he wasn’t down for the game. I mean it’s only for first place! I’ll just have a little man-to-man with him. That should do it.
Lyle’s Wife: Well, I’ll get you another beer, okay? [ phone rings – she answers it ] Hello? Oh yes, Mr. McGowan, he’s right here. [ to Lyle ] Lyle, it’s Billy’s art teacher, Mr. McGowan. He wants to talk to you.
Lyle: [ gets up and strolls slowly to the phone ] Billy’s taking art? What the hell for?
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, honey! [ hands him the phone ]
Lyle: [ grabs phone ] Hello? Yes? Oh yes I remember, back at theChristmas pageant, right? No, I’m sorry..? Well, that’s very nice that you like me.. Well, I really have no opinion of you. I’m sure you’re a decent fellow, why do you ask? Coffee? Well, why should I want.. What?! Oh, that’s insane! On what basis do you come to that conclusion? Oh, that is the sickest thing! Listen, you queer! If you so much as look at me at the next school function, I will rip your lungs out, do you hear me? [ slams the receiver ] Geez! What kind of world do we live in?
[ Scott comes running down the stairs ]
Scott: Hey Dad.
Lyle: [ stopping him ] Scott, Scott, sit down, let’s have a beer.
Scott: No thanks, Dad. I think I’m gonna go over to Richie’s.
Lyle: Now son, your mother tells me something’s bothering you. Now what’s the matter? Girl problems?
Scott: [ dejectedly ] Yeah.
Lyle: Would you like to tell me about it?
Scott: Well you wouldn’t understand.
Lyle: What do you mean? Come on, I’m not that old!
Scott: Well, it’s not that, it’s just.. I don’t know.. I mean, aren’t you gay?
Lyle: What?! I just don’t believe this! I oughtta kick your ass all across this room! Gay? I am your father, dammit!
Scott: Well a lot of gay men have families, Dad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Lyle: [ shouts in surprise ] Oh! You go upstairs, you aregrounded! You stay up there until you figure out that I am not gay!
Scott: Okay Dad, I’m sorry. It’s just that.. forget it. [ returns upstairs ]
Lyle: [ still in disbelief ] Oh! My own son. [ doorbell rings – Lyle finds Susan at the door ] Susan!
Susan: Lyle!
Lyle: I told you never to come here!
Susan: I can’t hold it back any longer. I need to talk to your wife and resolve this once and for all. You know you need me as much as I need you baby! You know you do! [ gives Lyle a long kiss ]
Lyle: [ resisting ] No! No, no!
[ Lyle’s wife returns to the room ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, who was at the doo.. oh!
Lyle: [ startled ] Oh! [ nervous exchange of glances among the three ] Honey, this is.. [ giggles nervously ] ..this is Susan Simpkins. She’s an old..
Susan: Your husband and I are very much in love.
Lyle’s Wife: What?
Susan: We’ve been having an affair for over a year now. I’m sorry.
Lyle’s Wife: I don’t believe you! My husband would never have an affair!
Lyle: That’s right, honey!
Lyle’s Wife: It’s impossible – he’s gay!
Lyle: [ stunned, faces the camera for a close-up shot ] Whaaaaaat?!!
[ cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s asked us to say, he’s straight and not gay He’s Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual!”
Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?
Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?
Man: Two?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Three?
Announcer: A little higher.
Man: Four?
Announcer: Keep trying.
Man: Five?
Announcer: No, you’ll have to do better than that.
Man: Seven?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Eight?
Announcer: We’ll give you one more guess.
Man: Nine.
Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you’d have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.
Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal on the market!
Announcer: Not any more, now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.
Man: Super Colon Blow?
[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]
Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.
[ pyramid settles ]
Man: [ overwhelmed ]I’m convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]
[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]
Jingle: “Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning”
Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.
Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.
Announcer: We interrupt this program for a special address from the president of the United States.
[ cut to President Bush, with the Berlin Wall and onlookers in the background ]
President Bush: Good evening, should I say “guten morgen.” Almost dawn here in Berlin. People behind me doin’ that freedom thing, dancin’, standin’ around up there talkin’ to each other. Party on you freedom fighters. Some standin’ on top of the wall, some standin’ on the ground, some wanting to get up on the wall; not enough room. Guy up there with a pick axe doin’ that thing goin’ up and down, goin’ round and round up there, breaking that wall that separated a people. Not any more. Many presidents tried to get that wall down, unsuccessful! Unsuccessful! And of course 3 months ago I had an idea, made a little speech.. [ takes out a paper from his pocket ] ..and I quote the Washington Post, July 18, 1989, right here: “‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,’ said Bush.” [ wheezing laugh ] Does that make me a great president, am I an Abe Lincoln up here? [ laughs again, puts the paper away ]
Too early to tell, not enough information, wouldn’t be prudent. But the facts remain: before Bush, wall; with Bush, no wall! Kinda makes you wonder what else I could achieve. Many issues lie ahead. Reunification of Germany, that big country comin’ together like it does. Scary. Sure they are frightening people, got that track record of theirs. Sword of Siegfried comin’ at ya. But this time, unification under democracy. Chancellor Helmut Kohl, good friend of mine, worked closely with him, Barr and I broke bread with the man. Not a Hitler; Hitler was bad! Bad! Kohl: good! Egon Krenz: don’t know ’em!
So to sum up: Krenz: don’t know him; Hitler: bad! Kohl: good! Dan Quayle: still gaining acceptance. The wall: comin’ down. Me: enthusiastic but prudent. Out in front of the situation, not too far, playin’ it just right. Before Bush, wall; with Bush, wall obliterated! Place in history secure [ awkward pause ] Bye!
[ cut to presidential seal ]
Announcer: This has been the president of the United States.
Bush at The Berlin WallRecurring Characters: President George Bush. Transcript
Evert vs. NavratilovaNote: The newspaper montage features the theme music used for Saturday Night News (formerly Weekend Update and SNL Newsbreak) from 1982-84. Recurring Characters: Martina Navratilova.
Bette Davis’ Videotape WillNote: That’s actually Jan Hooks making all the fast-forward sound effects of the VCR as she performs the “videotaped” will offstage. There’s one moment where she’s still performing the effects even though the tape is no longer fast-forwarding. Recurring Characters: Bette Davis.
Eurythmics perform “Angel”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon reviews X-rated movies. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) bothers Dennis Miller. Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.
Lothar Of The Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler, Org.
“Draw the Line”
Lyle, The Effeminate HeterosexualRecurring Characters: Lyle Billup, Mrs. Billup. Transcript
Eurythmics perform “Baby’s Gonna Cry”
Passages
The Nude House of Wacky PeopleRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 28th, 1989 James Woods Don Henley None Tom Davis Jim Downey Lorne Michaels Bonnie Turner Terry Turner The Tonight Show with Johnny CarsonRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Nancy Reagan.
Montage
James Woods’ Monologue
Yard-a-pult
AIDS-Aware Dracula
Primetime LiveRecurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Diane Sawyer.
Don Henley performs “The Last Worthless Evening”Also Performed: 00o.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Victoria Jackson reports from Costa Rica. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary. Dennis Miller (Dana Carvey). Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
[ Open on Clarise’s bedroom. She enters, closes the door, then removes the Egg Man from a secret hiding place and props him gently on top of a pillow on her bed. ]
Clarise: Uh.. I’m sorry, I just, um.. I just really needed to talk to you.
Egg Man: I thought we had an agreement, Clarise?
Clarise: Oh, I know! I know!
Egg Man: We agreed that we would have our talks when you were calm and we were alone. Now, Carl and Jimmy are home – I know. I heard you arguing – the timing is bad, very bad!
Clarise: Dammit! [ picks Egg Man up forcefully ] We always play by your rules!
Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —
Clarise: What about my needs?! I’m upset, and you want to cut off communication!
Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —
Clarise: I need you now!
Egg Man: Easy, easy, easy —
Clarise: You pompous bastard! [ throws Egg Man across the bed, where he lands facedown ]
Egg Man: [ muffled voice ]
Clarise: Oh, God! Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! [ gently picks the Egg-Man up and returns him to a face-up position ] I’m sorry, I know that was out of line, I know it.
Egg Man: [ sweating ] Alright.. alright.. easy does it.. Let’s bend the rules.. we’ll talk a little now – though you’re not altogether calm.
Clarise: Good. You see, Jimmy is being extremely difficult.
Egg Man: My point was simply that one tends to lose one’s reason when in a state of passion, that’s all.
Clarise: Shut up! Just shut up!!
Egg Man: Alright.. yes, you were saying?
Clarise: I was saying, my son is driving me up the wall.. he wants to go to this rock concert, one of those damn satanic groups, it’s scaring the hell out of me!
Egg Man: Uh-huh. And wht group is that?
Clarise: Motley Crue.
Egg Man: Motley Crue?
Clarise: Yes!
Egg Man: Okay.. okay. Motley Crue does worship the forces of evil. Go on.
Clarise: Well, it’s just that he’s changed so! All he does is wear black leather and all this eye make-up.. his bedroom is covered with pentagrams! He has this altar with this weird goathead shrine —
Egg Man: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Any evidence of chicken feathers, an animal sacrifice of any kind?
Clarise: Well, I’m not sure, I mean, he slams the door before I get a good look. You don’t think –?
Egg Man: — that Jimmy is in a satanic cult of heavy metal dope fiends? I don’t know. I do think that there’s reason for concern.
[ Jimmy knocks at the door ]
Jimmy: Mom!!
Egg Man: [ alarmed ] Okay, okay.. put me away for now.. [ Clarise stands up to answer the door ] No, no, no, no, no..
Clarise: What is it now, dammit?!
Jimmy: [ standing at the door, wearing black leather and evil eye make-up ] Okay, like, I’m going to the concert, alright!
Clarise: Over my dead body!
Jimmy: Oh, don’t tempt me, man! Don’t tempt me! You don’t understand, because it’s our music, alright!
Clarise: Who is this “we”? What is this “our”? What are you referring to?!
Jimmy: As in “us”, and not “you”! Look, just give me the money, man, I’m going! [ enters room, notices Egg Man on the pillow ] Wha – what’s that thing?
Clarise: [ worried ] Oh, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.. it’s just a leftover Easter egg.. I – I —
Jimmy: Hey! It’s a little egg dude!
Egg Man: Hello, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Who are you, man?
Egg Man: Well.. there’s no easy answer to that, Jimmy. All I can tell you is, I’m a friend. I came here to help your mother. She’s been feeling a lot of frustration in her life of late. Much of it has to do with your father, his drinking, his cutting off of his feelings and affection. She feels estranged from you, as well. My existence fulfills her need for a still, small voice, a voice of reason and compassion. Do you understand?
Jimmy: [ solemn ] Yeah.. I get it.. [ picks up Egg Man, tosses him in the air and catches him repeatedly ]
Egg Man: Easy! Whoa.. no, no, no!
Jimmy: [ throws Egg Man against the wall, splattering him everywhere ]
Clarise: [ screams, hugging Egg Man’s remains on the wall ]
Jimmy: [ ransacks her purse for money ] Alright, so just keep the money coming, and just maybe I won’t tell Dad about your little egg friend! [ hisses ]
Clarise: [ cries as she hugs the wall ]
Announcer: Tune in next time, for another episode of “Egg Man.”
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Air Date:
It Used To Be A Wonderful LifeRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.
