SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

An SNL Digital Short: Doppleganger

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg

…..Seth Meyers
…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte
Street Bum…..Horatio Sanz

[FADE IN on three guys in shirts and ties sitting on a sidewalk bench and eating their lunches.]

Seth Meyers: [points] Oh, my God. That guy over there totally looks like you, Will.

Will Forte: What? Where?

Seth Meyers: Over there on the bench.

[CUT to Will standing with one foot on a sidewalk bench. He is dressed exactly the same except for a fake mustache.]

Will Forte: THAT guy? No way, he doesn’t look like me.

Seth Meyers: Doesn’t that look like him?

Andy Samberg: He looks like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you have to imagine him without the mustache, but he’s a dead ringer.

Will Forte: Okay, I guess so. That’s pretty good. Okay, Seth, I’m gonna try to find you.

Seth Meyers: Good luck.

[Will peers at passersby.]

Will Forte: Boom. Right there. [points to left]

Seth Meyers: No, where?

Will Forte: Over there by the wall.

[CUT to Seth standing on the sidewalk and dressed exactly the same except for a top hat.]

Seth Meyers: [with his mouth full] Oh, c’mon, that guy looks nothing like me.

Will Forte: Oh, my God, Andy, doesn’t that look like Seth?

Andy Samberg: It looks like you.

Seth Meyers: What? That guy’s got a big top hat, he doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: Well, you gotta imagine him without the top hat. He’s your doppelganger, man.

[Seth covers up the “lookalike’s” top hat with two fingers.]

Seth Meyers: I guess, you know–yeah, I see it. All right, let’s do Andy.

Will Forte: Okay.

[They all scan the streets for a long moment.]

Seth Meyers: [points] There he is.

Will Forte: [points] Wait, I got one too.

Seth Meyers: By the trash can?

Will Forte: Same one. Oh, my God, that is YOU, Andy.

[CUT to a street bum dressed in an green Army surplus jacket, bright red mittens, and jeans cut off at the calves.]

Andy Samberg: THAT guy?

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy.

Andy Samberg: He doesn’t look anything like me.

Will Forte: What, he looks EXACTLY like you.

Seth Meyers: I mean, you gotta look past the gloves.

Andy Samberg: Hey, it’s not the gloves. That guy’s a LOSER.

Will Forte: Fine, who do YOU think he’d look like?

Andy Samberg: I don’t know. [points to right] How about THAT guy?

[CUT to Andy standing against a wall and dressed exactly the same except for a bright green bandanna around his neck.]

Will Forte: Yeah, that guy does not look ANYTHING like you. He’s wearing a green bandanna around his neck.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know–the first guy, that guy’s your twin.

Andy Samberg: THAT guy.

[In disgust, Andy stands up and walks over next to the street bum.]

Andy Samberg: You think I look like THIS guy! [points at bum]

Will Forte: Well, not now, he’s wearing those gloves.

Andy Samberg: Okay, fine!

[Andy pulls off the bum’s gloves and throws them to the ground. The bum stands idly.]

Andy Samberg: How about now?

[Seth stands up and looks bewildered.]

Seth Meyers: Now I… now I can’t tell ’em apart! Which one’s Andy?

Andy Samberg: You gotta be KIDDING me!

[Will and Seth stare for a moment, and then Will aims a handgun at them.]

Will Forte: I don’t know which one to shoot.

Andy Samberg: WHAT?! Why even shoot ANYONE?!

Seth Meyers: Wait. We can ask him something that only Andy knows! Andy, what do you think about sandwiches?

Andy Samberg: I–uh–I–I love them!

Seth Meyers: Andy does love sandwiches.

Will Forte: EVERYONE loves sandwiches!

Seth Meyers: You’re right. Take the shot.

Andy Samberg: DON’T take the shot!!

Seth Meyers: TAKE THE SHOT!!!

[CUT abuptly to black as a gunshot rings out. CUT to Seth and Will back on the bench. The street bum sits between them in his green jacket and finishes Andy’s lunch.]

Will Forte: [sheepishly] I shot the wrong guy.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

[They sit motionless for a moment.]

Seth Meyers: Back to work?

Will Forte: Back to work. [to bum] Let’s go, bozo.

[All three stand up at once and walk calmly away. FADE slowly to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Prisonmate.net

Single Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch
Single Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig
Dr. L.M. Fontaine…..Finesse Mitchell
Single Woman #3…..Amy Poehler

[FADE IN on a woman in a red sweater against a stark white background.] Woman #1: I hated the singles bars. And speed-dating? It was exhausting and frustrating.

[CUT to another woman with red hair.]

Woman #2: I was so tired of the dating scene. I was beginning to think there just wasn’t a man out there for me.

[FADE to Dr. Fontaine in a dark gray suit.]

Dr. Fontaine: I’m Dr. L.M. Fontaine. And I’m here to tell you that there IS somebody for you. I’ve developed a revolutionary NEW dating service that introduces deserving women to an untapped sea of eligible bachelors. Meet the man of your dreams at prisonmate.net.

[FADE to “prisonmate.net” logo as the words slam together like prison doors. The “o” in “prison” is represented by a heart-shaped padlock. “Everlasting Love” starts playing in the background. FADE to Dr. Fontaine against a shot of women talking to prisoners through windows.]

Dr. Fontaine: Prison mates are available, MOSTLY reformed, and are ready for a loving, fulfilling relationship! You’ll never have to worry about commitment issues again. These guys ain’t going nowhere.

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

[FADE to first woman sitting at a row of prison phones.]

Woman #1: The conjugal visits make me feel like the only woman in the world. Who knew the love of my life was just a collect call away?

[When she picks up the phone, PAN through the glass to a balding, scruffy inmate who leers hungrily at her.]

Woman #1: Hi, honey!

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

Dr. Fontaine: The only thing in the world they have to do is lift weights! And think about you REAL hard.

Woman #3: My soulmate is a cellmate.

[ZOOM in past her on an inmate in a straitjacket with a green plastic mask covering his face. He stares wild-eyed at her and groans like a maniac.]

Announcer: [over slamming words logo] prisonmate.net!

All Three Women: [in unison] Thank you, prisonmate.met!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

TV Land Variety Vault

Voiceover…..Chris Parnell
Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Don Knotts…..Darrell Hammond
Katherine Hepburn…..Kristen Wiig
Rod Serling…..Matt Dillon

[FADE IN on the TV Land Variety Vault logo with the year “1961” in the middle. ’60s go-go horns play in the background.]

Voiceover: You’re watching TV Land After Dark. You’re high right now, aren’t you?

[FADE to a dark, Gothic parlor as spooky organ music plays. Enter Vincent with a raven on his right shoulder. Lightning and thunder abound.]

Vincent: Salutations, soon-to-be-denizens of the underworld. I’m… Vincent Price. Prepare to embark on a journey MOST wicked! Where, you ask, is our ultimate destination? Is it Mammon’s lair, buried deep within the darkest depths of all-consuming hellfire? Or is it… my St. Patrick’s Day Special?

[CUT to a gray background which is slowly superimposed with the show title in horror film lettering. Happy theme music bounces underneath.]

Announcer: [in a jolly voice] It’s Vincent Price’s St. Patrick’s Day Special. Now, please welcome your host, master of the unholy darkness: Vincent Price!

[FADE back to Vincent over applause.]

Vincent: Erin Go Bragh, brave pilgrim. The holiday ritual in which you are set to participate traces its origins to the most mystical of Celtic tribes: the Druids. Each year those dark souls celebrated the feast of Flaggle-Flaggle-Douschen. A human sacrificial celebration honoring the beast god Braggoth. A pre-vernal Baphenal that would shame Baphomet himself. BLOOD POURING OUT OF EVERY–

[doorbell rings]

Vincent: Oh, who could that be?

[Organ music rises as a coffin lid in the right-hand wall opens up to reveal Deputy Barney Fife.]

Barney: Well, hello, Vincent! Top of the morning to you!

Vincent: Well, if it isn’t Deputy Barney Fife! As portrayed by my good friend, Mr. Don Knotts.

Barney: Hello, every–

[applause]

Barney: Yeah, well…

Vincent: Hello, Barney.

Barney: Hello, everyone! Uh, Vincent, we got a call in to the sheriff’s department saying you were having a St. Paddy’s Day special, and I thought–I thought–Vincent, what in thee WORLD?!

Vincent: I… don’t know what you mean.

Barney: Well, look at all this, ghouls, goblins, cobwebs, coffins! Price, you gotta lighten UP!

Vincent: Yes.

Barney: You gotta have some FUN!

Vincent: Yes.

Barney: Here, put on this hat.

[Barney takes a toy bowler hat with a loop attached to the brim and reaches to put it on Vincent’s head.]

Vincent: [leans away] Well, I’m not… really…

Barney: Put it on!

Vincent: Come on, I’m not a hat person, I’m not…

Barney: Oh, come on, come on–ohhhh, YEAH!

[Barney sets the tiny hat atop Vincent’s head and loops the string under his chin.]

Vincent: You’re right.

Barney: Yeah! [exits]

Vincent: [dryly] It’s perfect.

[organ music rises]

Vincent: AND THE UNHOLY BLOOD FEAST CONTINUES! [thunderclap] I’d like to take this opportunity to recite a short but nonetheless horrifying poem I wrote for this very occasion. I will be accompanied in this endeavor by the melodious tones of the Kilkenny Pipers. BOYS?

[Two bagpipers come out and flank Vincent on either side.]

Vincent: Midnight on the shores of Loch Dirge.

[The bagpipers fire up their instruments loudly.]

Vincent: [shouting over bagpipes] Hounds baying at the scent of freshly spilled blood! Corner of the wicked…

[The Pipers go full-throttle into song and completely drown Vincent out. He shouts his poem uselessly for about ten seconds, gesturing low and high, then finally stops and glares at the piper on his left. When he yells at them to stop, Barney reappears in front of them.]

Barney: Nip it in thee BUD!

Vincent: Thank you, Donny!

Barney: Yeah, well… [exits]

Vincent: [tears up poem] Let’s move on, shall we?

[organ music rises]

Vincent: Each holiday has its traditional foods. In the days of yore, the Druid High Priest would consume the still-beating hearts of one thousand virgins. Today, nothing hits the spot like a nice plate of corned beef and cabbage. Here to bring us that very delight, please welcome Miss Katherine Hepburn. Kate?

[The bookcase on the far wall revolves to reveal Katherine lounging against it in a white shirt and gray slacks. She saunters up to the host.]

Katherine: Oh, Vincent, really, you make me laaaaaaugh.

Vincent: [smirks] Oh, do I?

Katherine: Where, may I ask, did you get that most fetching little crooooooww?

Vincent: Oh, this?

Katherine: I can fly a plane, you know.

Vincent: Oh, really?

Katherine: Also, I wear pants like a man would–does that frighten you, Vincent?

Vincent: You actually want responses to these questions?

Katherine: Sometimes I wear my aviator goggles over my sunglasses, did you know thaaat?

Vincent: That’s implied, yes, I meant to talk about that…

Katherine: Is it? My Uncle Covey says it’s no way for a lady to behave, but I say he’s just being an old poop–wouldn’t you agreeeeee?

Vincent: Okay. Okay. Oh, good. Okay. That’s great. Thanks for stopping by, thanks for stopping by. [nudges her toward stage left]

Katherine: [babbling] We used to have an awful crow problem when I was on the farm in Connecticut. I used to ride horses when I was two! [exits]

Vincent: AND EVIL MARCHES ON!! [thunderclap] My next guest hosts a show which brings unspeakable evil and darkness into America’s homes. Fridays on CBS–check your local listings. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rod Serling.

[Serling appears with his cigarette and takes his place in the foreground. The “Twilight Zone” theme starts up and a spotlight lands on him.]

Serling: A man hosts a poorly conceived St. Patrick’s Day variety special… which seems to be turning into an unmitigated disaster. Is this television special doomed… or have we just set foot… in the Twilight Zone?

Vincent: [leaning over Rod’s shoulder] Yes, “The Twilight Zone.” Yeah. Still waitin’ for the call on that one. Got a hit show about creepy stuff, but you can’t find a role for old Vince Price, eh? Burgess Meredith. Sure. That guy just SCREAMS creepy. But no, not your good buddy Price!

Serling: [over theme] A man doesn’t realize that Burgess Meredith is ten times the actor that he ever was.

Vincent: WOW! WOW! Just like that! On my own show! [steps back] All right, you know, let’s wrap this up.

[horror music starts in]

Vincent: You’ve just witnessed first-hand the ancient evil of the Druids. You now stand powerless, cowering in fear, stripped in your very soul! There’s but one task left before you: HAVE A HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

[The bagpipers reappear and start back in.]

Vincent: This is why we have rehearsal!

[His words are drowned out once again. SUPERIMPOSE title caption and PAN back as Vincent complains soundlessly under the bagpipe music.]

Announcer: This has been the Vincent Price St. Patrick’s Day Special. Thanks for watching!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Matt Dillon’s Monologue

…..Matt Dillon

[CUT to Studio 8H. The large clock in the foreground reads 12:32 on the right clockface, and 11:33 on the left face.]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen: Matt Dillon!

[Wearing a black jacket over a dark blue t-shirt, Dillon saunters out to home base over applause as the music winds up.]

Matt Dillon: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. Thanks, thanks! [waves hands] Listen, I have to say, this is really–it’s been a crazy week for me. Uh, here I am, hosting “Saturday Night Live”… and only six days ago, I was in L.A. at the Academy Awards, and even though, I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t win, just getting nominated is an honor, of course, that is… y’know, ’til you LOSE. [laughter] But in any case, that night was a tremendous thrill for me, since “Crash” won Best Picture.

[riotous cheers and applause]

Matt Dillon: Y’know, I… thank you. I was so proud to be a part of this film, and playing a racist L.A. cop for six months, y’know, really helped me, uh, better understand the issues of race in America today. My only regret is that I… I didn’t get a chance to read my acceptance speech. So… [laughter] I hope you guys, I’d like ta… is that all right, can I do that?

[The audience and bandmembers cheer wildly as Dillon pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his inner jacket pocket.]

Matt Dillon: Okay. Here goes. [reads off cue cards] Wow, wow, oh wow, wow, that’s… I’d like to thank the Academy. Clooney, you can’t win ’em all! I want to dedicate this to the most talented and diverse cast I’ve ever worked with. Sandra Bullock, Ryan Philippi, uhhhh… oh, Terence Howard, what an actor. I hope you win tonight, Terry. I didn’t get to see the pimp movie… but it’s probably not for me, right? Uh, Ludicrous, you played a great gangster. I know it’s not too much of a stretch. I’m just playin’ with you, brother, just playin’–but he knows what I’m talkin’ about! He knows what I’m talkin’ about. Let’s see, I–I wanna thank, I wanna thank all the Asians in the cast.

[laughter]

Matt Dillon: I’m sorry I kept gettin’ you guys confused. [laughter] But it didn’t matter, because you were all great. Oh, oh–and the Hispanics. They were such an amazing… God, y’know, such an amazing work ethic on those people. Y’know, I was so tired…

[laughter and applause]

Matt Dillon: I was so tired at the end of the day, and to think that they all had to… to run off to jump into the back of one, one pickup truck, and go to their second and third jobs. Unbelievable, you know. Oh, and the Arab family. I know none of you are gonna believe this, but they were so nice. They really were the sweetest people. And so CLEAN, so clean.

[laughter]

Matt Dillon: Uh, who else… Oh! All the gays in the wardrobe department. Snaps to you. Uh, my agent, uh, my manager, the producers. Heck, you know, all the Jews who worked in this production…

[laughter and applause]

Matt Dillon: And of course, I’d like to thank my mom. I come from a big Irish family, and my mother was always able to take the time to put down the potato peeler and her flask of whiskey… [laughter] …and give me and my 16 brothers and sisters all the love and support we needed. I LOVE ya, Ma!!

[cheers and applause]

Matt Dillon: We’ve got a great show for ya tonight, Arctic Monkeys are here, so stick around, we’ll be back.

[ZOOM out over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
Julian…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]

Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?

Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.

Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–

Lane: Am I your oldest friend?

Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.

Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.

Brendon: Yeah.

Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.

Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.

Lane: Whoo.

Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?

Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.

Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.

Lane: I love the hell out of this place.

Brendon: Yeah, you do.

[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]

Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?

Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.

Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.

Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.

Lane: It’s already out there, man.

Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?

Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.

Brendon: You love that stuff.

Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.

Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?

Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.

Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?

Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.

Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?

Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.

Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…

[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]

Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…

Janet: Yeah.

Brendon: Oh, well.

Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.

[laughter]

Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]

Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.

Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.

Brendon: Oh, Gawd.

Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.

Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.

Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

[laughter]

Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…

[A couple walks in front of them.]

Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!

Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.

Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!

[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]

Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.

Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.

Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.

Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.

Brendon: No, none taken.

Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.

[laughter]

Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.

Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.

Julian: I also like WINE.

Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–

[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]

Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?

Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?

Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.

Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.

Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?

Julian: What do you mean?

Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.

[laughter]

Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.

Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.

Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.

Brendon: I remember that.

Julian: It’s not for everyone.

Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?

Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?

Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.

Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–

Janet: Okay! [exits]

Julian: And, voila.

Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]

Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?

Brendon: What’s that?

Lane: You brought that on yourself.

Brendon: That’s not encouraging.

Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.

Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…

[theme song starts up]

Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]

Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!

Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.

[SUPERIMPOSE “JOPLIN: ALIVE podcast.”]

Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!

[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Goodnights

…..Matt Dillon

Matt Dillon: Thanks to Arctic Monkeys, and, everybody, this has been a great night. Thanks to “Saturday Night Live”, Lorne Michaels – a fantastic job.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Spring Break

Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Tasha…..Amy Poehler
Kiki…..Rachel Dratch
Becca…..Kristin Wiig
Attendant…..Finesse Mitchell
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ]

[ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ]

[ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]

Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!

Jessica: I know!

Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”

Jessica: That is so rad!

[ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]

Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?

Jessica: Kiki?

Kiki: Tasha?

Becca: Becca?

Kiki: Misty?

Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.

Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?

Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.

Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.

Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!

Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine!

[ they high-five one another ]

Jessica: What’s in all the bags?

Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!

All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!

Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!

Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.

Becca: I’ll split it with you!

Kiki: Okay!

Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.

Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.

Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?

Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!

Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!

Kiki: Did she like it?

Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her!

[ they high-five one another ]

Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.

Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!

Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too!

[ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ]

[ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]

Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.

[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]

Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]

Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —

Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.

[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]

All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Travel Agent…..Matt Dillon
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like a tropical postcard with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Travel Agent: Hi, come on in. What can I help you folks with today? Have a seat.

[The two sit down.]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna take a trip. [chews gum] What kind you got?

Travel Agent: Well, we have all sorts of travel packages, do you know where you want to go?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: [chewing gum] I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Travel Agent: Okay, well, I can help you with that. Would you like to go someplace warm?

Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: ‘Bout what?

Male A-Hole: The warmth.

Female A-Hole: The WHAT?

Male A-Hole: Warmth.

Female A-Hole: Can I have a diet ginger ale?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take a lemonade.

Travel Agent: Uh, we don’t serve drinks here. We do have water.

Male A-Hole: You want water, babe?

Female A-Hole: I hate water.

Male A-Hole: [jerks thumb at her] She hates water.

Travel Agent: Well, I guess a, uh, cruise is out of the question, then, huh?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we don’t get it.

[laughter] Female A-Hole: Should he be showing us pictures or something?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys got brochures?

Travel Agent: Of course. [pulls brochures out of desk drawer] Here are a few of our, uh, popular destinations, all very beautiful. Are you, uh, familiar at all with the Yucatan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that place. Y’know that place, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Know Yucatan?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: You hear about that one–you heard ’bout that place, right, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Babe, Yucatan?

Female A-Hole: [glares at him] Yah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know it.

Travel Agent: Great, would you like me to pull up some more information for you?

Male A-Hole: I dunno. You wanna go there, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where’s your ATM?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s gotta check her balance.

Travel Agent: Uh, look, folks, we don’t have one of those here. There is a Seven-Eleven across the street.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. Wanna go over there, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Europe.

Male A-Hole: [with a touch of sarcasm] You guys know where Europe is?

[laughter]

Travel Agent: [carefully controls temper] Yes, we know where Europe is. Did you have someplace specific that you wanted to go, someplace specific in mind?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna drive there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna do that.

Travel Agent: You can’t drive to Europe.

Female A-Hole: I can if I drive a BOAT.

Travel Agent: So you want to rent a boat and drive it to Europe.

Female A-Hole: What STREET are we on?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?

Travel Agent: Look, why don’t you two think about this some more, and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back. Okay?

Female A-Hole: I know where I wanna go.

Male A-Hole: All right, we got it, buddy. Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: England.

Travel Agent: Okay, England’s great, it’s a big place. There’s, uh, London. Brighton’s very nice. Did you have someplace in mind?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Hogwarts.

[laughter]

Travel Agent: You mean from the Harry Potter books?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. You guys got trips on magic school?

Travel Agent: Sir… that’s not a real place.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. All right. They don’t go to there, babe. Probably gotta go online for that, right, somethin’ like Orbitz or somethin’?

Travel Agent: NO, it’s a fictional place. You cannot GO there.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, gotta wait till summer, the wizards are outta school, right?

Travel Agent: No, never. It’s impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts; it doesn’t exist.

Male A-Hole: It’s invisible, right.

Travel Agent: Look, you obviously don’t know where it is that you want to go, so why don’t you go home, and think it over, and come back when you’ve made up your minds.

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

Travel Agent: Where?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

[She points to the wall behind the travel agent. CUT to a framed poster of an airliner in flight.]

Travel Agent: Ma’am, that’s a poster of an airplane.

Female A-Hole: I know. I wanna go there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna go there. How much?

Travel Agent: [pounds desktop] Get out. [points to door] Get the hell out of here.

Male A-Hole: They’re closin’, babe.

Female A-Hole: [to travel agent] Can you rub my shoulders? I slept weird.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys do backrubs here?

Travel Agent: LEAVE!

Female A-Hole: Maybe a grilled cheese.

Travel Agent: Fine, you know what, I’m gonna go in the back, and I’m gonna get some coffee. When I come back, you two better be gone.

[He stomps out the back and slams the door behind him.]

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

[He props up his feet on the desk. ZOOM out over applause, then FADE ]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2006

Matt Dillon

Arctic Monkeys

None

Paula Pell
Spring BreakSummary: A group of college girls on their way to Spring Break in Cancun gab about the activities they will soon partake of.

Transcript

MontageNote: When it comes time to announce Arctic Monkeys, Don Pardo completely blanks out.

Matt Dillon’s MonologueSummary: Though Matt Dillon didn’t win the Academy Award, he indulges in reading his unused, hate-filled acceptance speech to the audience.

Bio: Matt Dillon (1964-). Actor; 1980’s teen idol, who starred in films like “The Outsiders” (1983) and “The Flamingo Kid” (1984); nominated for Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of a racist cop in “Crash” (2005).

Transcript

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week’s episode.

Transcript

SportscenterSummary: Barry Bonds (Kenan Thompson) denies steroid use in the midst of scandal.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Doppelganger”, cast members Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Will Forte scan the park for their dopplegangers while eating lunch outdoors.

Transcript

Two A-holes at a Travel AgencySummary: The two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) can’t make up their minds where they want to take a trip to.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

How To Order Sushi Like A CEOSummary: CEO (Matt Dillon) knows the exact jargon involved in order sushi like a professional, but doesn’t seem to be enjoying his lunch.

Transcript

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: Repeat from 11/12/05.

Joplin: Alive PodcastSummary: Hosting a podcast from a booth at Bennigan’s, Brendan Kern (Jason Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Bill Hader) flirt with waitress (Kristin Wiig) and interview Julian (Andy Samberg), a childhood friend who picks up girls while using a fake French accent.

Note: Although Bill Hader’s character is introduced as Lane, for some reason everyone refers to him as Eric throughout the duration of the sketch.

Note: Matt Dillon played Andy Samberg’s role in dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Arctic Monkeys perform “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”Bio: Indie rock band; won “Best New Act” at the 2006 Brit Awards; members: Alex Turner (lead vocalist, guitar), Jamie “Cookie” Cook (rhythm guitarist), Andy Nicholson (bass guitar) and Matthew “The Cat” Helders (drummer).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Dubai spokesman Farhad Nsar (Horatio Sanz) drops pop culture references while commenting on President Bush’s reneged U.S. ports proposal. Mideast expert Will Forte sings an informative jingle that helps differentiate Shai, Sunnis and Kurds.

TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1961 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Don Knotts (Darrell Hammond), Katharine Hepburn (Kristin Wiig) and Rod Serling (Matt Dillon) breaking the fourth wall.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Katharine Hepburn, Rod Serling.

Transcript

Inner Harmony Relaxation TapeSummary: Frank (Matt Dillon) keeps improvising and speaking loudly while recording his part of the voiceover for a relaxation tape.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Yet more personal injury hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Nettie Bo Dance, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Arctic Monkeys perform “A Certain Romance”

DeCicco Brothers UnicornerySummary: The DeCicco Brothers (Matt Dillon, Bill Hader) sell unicorns in all shapes and sizes to meet every unusual consumer need.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Brain EatersSummary: Members of a space crew discuss ideas to prevent aliens from eating their brains.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

McNuggetsSummary: A woman (Rachel Dratch) sings the joys of McDonald’s McNuggets.

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) interrupts a women’s book club meeting.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

An SNL Digital Short

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg, Natalie Portman

…..Chris Parnell
…..Natalie Portman
…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Myers

[Scene opens to Natalie Portman being interviewed by Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: I’m here with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Chris Parnell: So Natalie, what is a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?

Natalie Portman: Do you really want to know?

Chris Parnell: Please, tell us.

[Cut to black and white scene, Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
I don’t sleep mother fucker; off that ‘Gnac and that Bourbon
Doin’ 120, gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

[Cut to Seth Myers talking to Natalie]

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick

[Switch back to Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
Yo. Shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I’m bustin’ dudes mouths like gushers mother fucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker

What you want Natalie?
To drink and fight
What you need Natalie?
To fuck all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat till your shittin’ my shoe
Leave you screamin’, pay for my dry cleanin’
Fuck her man it’s my name that he’s screamin’

[Cut to Seth getting slapped in the face by Natalie, scene switches back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, are we supposed to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?

Natalie Portman: I never said I was a role model.

Chris Parnell: But what about the kids that look up to you, do you have a message for them?

[Cut to a little girl dressed as Queen Amidala asking for an autograph, Natalie grabs girls notebook and throws it away]

Natalie Portman:
All that kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker, I drink till I’m sick

[Natalie breaks bottle on her own head]

Slit your throat, and pump nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die

And all the dudes, you know I’m talkin’ to you

[Scene cuts to a group of guys]

Guys: WE LOVE YOU NATALIE!

Natalie Portman:
I wanna’ fuck you too
‘P’ is for Portman
‘P’ is for pussy
I’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun, so don’t push me

[Switches back to interview]

Chris Parnell: Wow, Natalie I’m surprised all of this from a Harvard graduate.

Natalie Portman: Well, there’s a lot you may not know about me.

Chris Parnell: Really, such as?

[Cuts to Natalie rapping in a cap and gown]

Natalie Portman:
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test
And snorted all the Yay
I got a def posse
You got a bunch of dudes
I’ll sit right there on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Natalie, Andy Samberg enters scene dressed as a Viking]

Andy Samberg:
Natalie you are a badass bitch (Hell Yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleanin’
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, helllp

[Again scene goes back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: Okie-dok, Natalie one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it b—

[Natalie takes her chair and throws it at Chris]

Natalie Portman: No more questions.

[Natalie walks away]

WHAT!

[fade]

Submitted by: Amy Soto

SNL Transcripts

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