SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

The Babysitter

Cindy…..Lindsay Lohan
Mr. Voinic…..Chris Parnell
Franny Voinic…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of car, with Mr. Voinic driving and babysitter in the passenger seat]

Cindy: You know, you really don’t need to drive me home, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: [with very slight tipsiness] Nonsense, Cindy. It’s very late.

Cindy: Well, I walk home from the Wilsons all the time.

Mr. Voinic: Well, Art Wilson is a dirty son of a bitch. I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. I’ve had a few. I’m good to drive, but I’m drunk. [Cindy’s eyes widen slightly and she glances at him] Just kidding. No, I’m not. How were the kids?

Cindy: They were okay. Lucas didn’t want to go to bed, and kept waking the girls up.

Mr. Voinic: Hmmm, that sounds like Lucas. Those kids really like you. They hate their mother.

Cindy: Did you guys have fun tonight?

Mr. Voinic: Who, me and Franny? Ugh, we never have fun. It was our annivarsary dinner. I would much rather have been out at a rave. That would have been crunk.

Cindy: Crunk?

Mr. Voinic: Boy, I am stressed. So, you’re a senior now?

Cindy: [scoffs] Don’t I wish? I’m just a junior.

Mr. Voinic: Really? I was sure you were a senior. Just a junior, huh? How about that? How about that? That’s something.

Cindy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, next year, I’m be a senior. And then: goodbye, Saddlebrook, hello, cruise ship. That’s what I want to do–work on a cruise ship. But my parents think it’s stupid.

Mr. Voinic: A cruise ship?! That’s a very smart idea. I never knew that about you. You are a fascinating, wonderful, sexy person. I think your parents are stupid.

Cindy: Me and my girlfriends are going to get a job on cruise ships and save up money and then start our own magazine.

Mr. Voinic: And you’ll do it. You’ll start the magazine and voila! Would you like a Dubonnet? I’m having a Dubonnet.

Cindy: A what?

Mr. Voinic: A Dubonnet. It’s a dark red wine with a slight quinine taste, and I happen to have a bottle here under my seat.

Cindy: You know, you can’t drink and drive. [laughs nervously]

Mr. Voinic: [chuckles and produces the bottle] Cindy, you’ll find as you get older, certain laws are meant to be taken seriously and others are not. I’ve never felt the drinking and driving law made much sense. [proffers the bottle to Cindy]

Cindy: Oh, I’ll pass.

Mr. Voinic: [pulling it back] That’s the way to play it. You and me are a lot alike. A lot. A very lot.

[Cindy turns away from Mr. Voinic and puts on her seat belt, but continues to face away in mild mortification]

Mr. Voinic: [singing] I walk a lonely road, / The only road that I have ever know. / Don’t know where it goes, / but I walk that road all alone. [speaking] Sure do love that song. Coldplay.

Cindy: Green Day.

Mr. Voinic: Of course. What did I say? Coldplay? Ridiculous. I know Coldplay. [sings] Your body is a wonderland…

Cindy: [with some relief] Hey, look, there’s my house. Driveway.

Mr. Voinic: Ah, so it is. Hey, do you want to sit and talk?

Cindy: About what?

Mr. Voinic: Oh, I just really love to hear you talk about anything. I think you’re the smartest person I know.

Cindy: Your wife’s a surgeon.

Mr. Voinic: Franny is an idiot compared to you. You make her look like a real dum-dum.

Cindy: I should go inside.

Mr. Voinic: I guess you should know, I’m thinking about leaving Franny. I don’t know if that changes things.

Cindy: No, I still gotta go inside. I’ll catch you later, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, oh, let me get the door for you! [reaches across her to the opposite door]

Cindy: Oh, no, I can get it. It’s right here.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, um, let’s have a goodbye hug [slides his right arm behind her neck], okay, uh…

Cindy: [perturbed] What?

Mr. Voinic: So, uh, goodbye, uh, good work tonight. Good work. Good stuff.

Cindy: [grits teeth nervously] Yeah…

[Franny suddenly sits up in the back seat]

Mr. Voinic: Aaah! Franny! [springs back]

Cindy: Oh, God!

Franny: [accusatorily, to her husband] Having fun?!

Mr. Voinic: I’m giving her a goodbye hug.

Cindy: [quickly unbuckles her seat belt and opens the car door] See ya! [waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the car]

Mr. Voinic: It’s very innocent! Uh…Dubonnet?

Franny: Ugh, get that out of my face. I’m driving.

Mr. Voinic: Okay.

[they both exit from the stage right side of the car]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Fix You”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Once again – Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Well, high up above or down below
You were too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you were.

Oh, lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
The tears stream down your face
The tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
When the tears stream down your face
And I.”

[ the audience cheers ]

Chris Martin: Thanks, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


Song appears
on the album:

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Ladies and gentlemen – it’s Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“How long before I get in
Before it starts, before I begin
How long before you decide
Or before I know what it feels like
Where to?
Where do I go?
If you’ve never tried then you’ll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine.

Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get
Is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
Or before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand.

Ideas that you’ll never find
Or the inventors could never design
All of the buildings that you put up
Japan and China all lit up
The sign that I couldn’t read
Or the light that I couldn’t see
Some things you have to believe
But others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places that I’ve found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ lead singer Chris Martin rises from the piano and stands before the audience to finish the song ]

Coldplay:
All those signs I knew what they meant
Some things you can’t invent
Some get made, and some get sent
Ooh-ooh
Birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ the audience erupts into applause ]

Chris Martin: Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be back. This is my second time hosting “SNL.” But my first time hosting as a blonde. And I have to say, it is a little bit more fun. It’s been kind of a crazy year. If you read the tabloids, they say I’m too skinny, I’m at clubs every night, I’m dating everyone from Bruce Willis to Jake Gyllenhaal.

[ suddenly, the haggardly Ghost of Lindsay Future swoops down over the teen starlet ]

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Lindsay! [ In spooky voice ] Li-i-i-indsay! Lindsay, your life is moving too fast. You gotta slow it down.

Lindsay Lohan: Um, who are you?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I’m you. I’ve come back from the future to tell you, you got to cool it with the partyin’. ‘Cause I’m totally beat.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, wait a second. You’re me in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Did I stutter, bitch?

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, I guess that does kind of sound like me. And you do have my natural hair color. But I have a question — why am I so short in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Because our bones turned to dust. Because you drank nothing but Red Bull.

Lindsay Lohan: Everyone drinks Red Bull.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No, not any more. In the future, we use it to power cars!

Lindsay Lohan: That’s pretty awesome.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Yeah, it is awesome.

Lindsay Lohan: So what else happens? What movies do I make in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Let me see we did “Herbie Fully Loaded”, “Mean Girls 2” — that was a suck bomb.. “National Lampoon’s Jamaican Vacation”, we did, like, eight Lifetime movies, and now we host a Cinemax show called “Night Passions”.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait a minute. That sounds a little shady. Wait, are we doing porn?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No! We’re introducing porn. It’s totally different. You know, somebody’s gotta pay the bills, ever since Tommy got his hip replacement.

Lindsay Lohan: Who?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Oh, yeah. You’re married to Tommy Lee, genius.

Lindsay Lohan: what? Did I even meet him, and where?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: At Oscar’s.

Lindsay Lohan: I get to go to the Oscars?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Not the Oscars. Oscar’s, a strip club in Glendale. And do me a favor, sometime in the near future, when you’re out partying with Nicole Richie, do not get this tattoo.

[ the Ghost of Lindsay Future pulls her shirt down slightly to reveal “I Love Bo Bice” tattooed on one breast and an image of Bo tattooed on the other breast ]

Lindsay Lohan: Well, I do love me some Bo Bice.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Okay, I know, I know. All I’m saying is get some sleep, drink some water. Unless you want this to be your future, you better take it down a notch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you this: Am I happy 30 years from now?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I don’t know. I’m from 2007.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh, holy crap! I gotta take better care of myself, don’t I? All right, let’s hurry up and get the show started so I can go to bed. We’ve got a great show tonight. Coldplay is here. [ Cheers and applause ] so stick around, and we’ll be right back, people!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

America’s Next Top Model

Tyra Banks…..Maya Rudolph
Janice Dickinson…..Tina Fey
Kaiceey…..Lindsay Lohan
Kahlua…..Rachel Dratch
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Nole Marin…..Horatio Sanz
Thurkiel Epps…..Finesse Mitchell
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Kevin Federline…..Seth Meyers

(“America’s Next Top Model” opening sequence appears, reads “Who Has What It Takes to Become America’s Next Top Model”, bouncy music plays)

Narrator: Now we return to America’s Next Top Model.

(Tyra Banks appears)

Tyra Banks: Welcome, ladies. (Overdramatically) It’s time to make our final cut, determining who will become…America’s…Next…Top…(Whispers)..Model. Kaiccey, Kahlua, Amber, you’ve worked hard and you should be VERY proud of the (Makes wild hand motions) “whoop-de-whoo” energy and the “hi-hi-hi” you’re achieved. I think you know our judges. Nole Marin, top stylist, Thurkiel Epps, top movement coach, and the oldest living suprmodel, Janice Dickinson. (Janice appears, hunched over on judging table)

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) You’re all trash!

Tyra Banks: How are you all feeling?

Kaiccey: (Steps forward) Um, I’m feeling really grateful…and excited. I mean, I’ve learned so much. I used to think I was pretty, but you guys have taught me actually, I have weird eyes and fat legs…thank you. (Steps back awkwardly)

Kahlua: I can’t believe I got this far. Everyone said there’d never be a top model with a mohawk (Points to her own mohawk), and I’m gonna prove them all wrong.

Amber: These two Chewbaccas can leave right now, ’cause I know I’m gonna win. I look great, I’m mad photogenic, I got one leg…(Applause) and I just ate a whole can of sardines! So let’s do this. Ooo-ooh!

Tyra Banks: Let’s take a look at your pictures. Kaiceey, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows a petrified Kaiceey)

Nole Marin: That photo of you is flawless.

Thurkiel Epps: And you looked really scared, which was very hot. (Puts finger on tongue) Tss!

Kaiceey: I guess, um, you know, I’m just not very comfortable with being sexy?

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) Please, sex is a part of this business, OK, I had to sleep with Meatloaf, and that was just to get a ride here today! (Scoffs)

Tyra Banks: Kaiceey, good job. You really showed your “Hey, girl!” and your “What-what?” Kahlua, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows Kahlua pointing to and showing off her odd mohawk)

Tyra Banks: Kahlua, I feel like you’re relying too much on your hair, (Points at her own odd hairdo which is basically a big red wig, while panel of judges nod) and this show is NOT called “America’s Next Top Hair Model”! That’s my other show, and it’s on right after this. (Points down, “Coming Up Next” bar appears and says “America’s Next Top Hair Model”) Amber, it was very hard for us to find a good picture of you.

Amber: (Pauses) I bet it was hard.

Tyra Banks: But we did our best…

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber oddly) You’re not using that right.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Better. (Nods in approval) Let’s take a look.

(Photo appears on TV screen showing Amber in a wild position, sticking her tongue out, revealing her “lady parts”, which are quickly pixilated by the editing squad)

Nole Marin: Amber, in some ways, I think you want this more than anyone.

Amber: OK, here’s why I’m the bomb. I’m super-fine, I’m round-the-clock horny, I’m rocking one leg…and I got a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome…That’s IBS for short, so take a walk, bitches, ’cause I can’t! (Wild cheers)

Tyra Banks: A top model needs to be able to move…with ENERGY (Flails arms around), so tonight, your final challenge is a pose-off. We’re gonna play some music for you to move to, and when the music stops, you pose.

Janice Dickinson: And don’t screw it up! OK, modeling is not hard, NOT modeling is hard.

Tyra Banks: (Yells) Music!

(Bouncy music begins to play, Kaiceey dances very timidly and scared, Kahlua dances by basically pointing to her mohawk in different ways, and Amber does wild thrusts with her body)

Tyra Banks: And…pose.

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance and falls right on the floor, but soon jumps right back, as if she was proud of falling)

Kaiceey: I’m sorry, I’ll do better.

Amber: Yeah, I fell! How you like me now? Uhh!!

Tyra Banks: (Points up) Music!

(Music continues and girls continue dancing the same way)

Tyra Banks: And pose!

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance again and falls)

Amber: (As she falls) Here we go. (Gets up) Whoo, uhh! I meant to do that! Ahh! (Throws peace signs)

Tyra Banks: Our judges….will reveal…their decision….after this.

(Commercial for “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” appears)

Britney Spears: Next week on “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”…(Cuts to Britney looking at herself in the camera, pointing her nose to look like a pig’s) Oh my god, look at my nose!

Kevin Federline: Aww, hell naw.

Britney Spears: Look at my nose! It looks so funny like that.

Kevin Federline: Hell naw.

Britney Spears: (Turns to Kevin) Will you marry me?

(Commences to a totally gross make-out, groaning loudly and licking each other’s faces, but soon the commercial is over and “America’s Next Top Model” returns)

Tyra Banks: Ladies, after a lot of “Wah-OK?” and (Snaps fingers with each “Mmm”) “Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!”, we have a decision. America’s…Next….Top….Maw….del….is….

(Camera pans to each of the girls’ faces, all extremely emotional, except for Amber, who throws a peace sign)

Tyra: Kaiceey.

(Kaiceey bursts into tears while Kahlua hugs her, then leaves the room, pointing at her mohawk)

Kaiceey: Oh, god. I’m so happy. I guess I’ll just, I’ll dro…drop out of law school. Thank you?

Amber: (Yelps in disgust) Fine! This show’s stupid anyway. I’m gonna go on “Clean Sweep”….’cause my apartment’s filled with trash! (Holds hands to her mouth and lets out loud yell) You all can suck it when I get a free Swiffer! (Jumps and farts) Yeah, I farted…jealous?

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber in disgust) No…I’m not.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how that works!

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Got me again…

Amber; See you later, suckers. (Keeps on jumping and farting until she falls…again) (As she falls) Oh, here we go.

(“America’s Next Top Model” graphics appear)

Submitted by: Rachel Lee

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Little Italy

Mafia Boss….Horatio Sanz
Mafia Mistress….Lindsay Lohan
Poker Wiseguy….Rob Riggle
Silent Wiseguy….Will Forte
Couch Wiseguy….Jason Sudeikis
Cappuccino Wiseguy….Fred Armisen
Watching TV Wiseguy….Chris Parnell
Mafia Mama….Rachel Dratch
Mafia Papa….Darrell Hammond

[Opens with a shot of a nightclub]

Caption: Little Italy, New York

[Cut to inside the club. A bunch of Italian mafia wiseguys hanging out in their social club. The Mafia Boss plays poker in a table. The others mingle around, one is by the cappuccino machine, another watches TV, another sits on a couch. Italian music plays.]

Mafia Boss: ….so I says to him: “That’s why Italians put plastic on the furniture, its easier to clean after you whack somebody” Owww!!

[Wiseguys laugh]

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, boss. How’s your girlfriend, huh? Is she still giving you trouble?

Mafia Boss: Oww, I think I have a control of my goomar situation. I told her: “Hey, I’m going to my son’s birthday party”.

[A trashy looking woman enters the club mad as hell]

Mafia Mistress: Your son’s birthday, huh?!! [slams the door shut]

Mafia Boss: What are you doing here?

Mafia Mistress: Tonight was our anniversary of the first time you cheated on your wife!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, calm down. Ow, I had to take care of business.

Mafia Mistress: Business?!! Like what, huh?! Play poker with your stupid friends?!! I’ll give you poker!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs the whole stack of chips and crashes it onto the Wiseguy playing poker’s head]

[crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, please!

Mafia Mistress: Don’t baby me!! I gotta hear all over town that you’re out grocery shopping and running errands with that whore!!!

[Mafia Mistress walks over to a wiseguy watching TV and having a drink. She grabs the TV and smashes it on the floor]

[crash!]

Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was watching that.

[Then she smashes his drink on the floor]

[glass shatters]

Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was drinking that.

Mafia Boss: She’s the mother of my children!

Mafia Mistress: Oh! Mother of your children?!! So, what am I?!! Some cheap bimbo?!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs a trophy and throws it into a glass table smashing it to pieces]

[glass shatters]

All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: We had to beat 400 families to win that thing! What’s the matta’ with ya’?!

Mafia Mistress: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me!

[Mafia Mistress goes over to a cappuccino machine]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: Oh, sweetie, let me get a cappuccino first. [She grabs the cappuccino machine and throws it out the glass window] No! No! For what?!!

[glass shatters, car alarm goes off]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Watching TV wiseguy: Got your car, boss.

Mafia Boss: Yeah. [turns off the alarm with a beep]

[The Mafia Boss’s parents appear on the shattered window speaking angry Italian]

Mafia Mama: Hey! Hey! [Italian words]

Mafia Papa: Ow!

Mafia Boss: I’m sorry. We’re just having a little friendly argument.

Mafia Mama: OK. [leaves]

Mafia Papa: OK. Take care. [leaves]

Mafia Mistress: Look, I want you to treat me with respect, OK?! Just because you pay my rent in exchange for sex that doesn’t mean that I’m your whore!! [Mafia Mistress goes over to a big clock by the door] Somebody give me a hand with this!

[Poker Wiseguy gets up and goes over to help her]

Poker Wiseguy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m on it, I’m on it. Which way I’m going? My way? Your way? Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Mafia Mistress: Go!

[They both push the big clock down and it crashes into the floor]

[crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Mafia Boss: Ow, stunatz! What are you doing helping her?

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, sorry boss.

Mafia Boss: My grandmother gave me that grandfather’s clock! It belonged to her grandfather!

Mafia Mistress: I don’t care about your stupid traditions!!

[She goes and steps up in the couch and grabs a picture on the wall of baseball star Joe DiMaggio]

Mafia Boss: Baby, not DiMaggio!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of actor Robert DeNiro]

Mafia Boss: Not Bobby DeNiro!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of baseball player Jason Giambi]

Mafia Boss: Not Jason Giam— oh, yeah you can smash that one.

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a picture of singer/actor Frank Sinatra and every wiseguy takes out his gun and points it at her, guns cocking]

Mafia Boss: Baby, I beg of you…do not smash that picture. I’ll do whatever you want.

Mafia Mistress: Dinner?

Mafia Boss: Sure.

Mafia Mistress: Dancing?

Mafia Boss: Why not?

Mafia Mistress: In public?

Mafia Boss: You got it. Come down here.

[She comes down and hugs the Mafia Boss, all guns are put away]

Mafia Boss: All right. Let’s go.

[Mafia Mistress turns over a table before leaving with the Mafia Boss]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: I got to say, they are getting along better these days, huh?

Poker Wiseguy: Absolutely.

[Wiseguys agree]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Isikoff…..Chris Parnell
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! [ audience erupts into applause ] The war in Iraq gets stickier by the minute. The filibuster’s about to disappear faster than a box of donuts in Star Jones’ dressing room. Meanwhile, the only big-league political issue Americans seem to care about is which “American Idol” contestant is boning Paula Abdul! Lukily, there’s a whole new controversy brewing – this time, the news is the news. Monday, Newsweek magaine was forced to back off a story which asserted that U.S. forces dsecrated the Quran. Then, just yesterday, this photo is released: [ holds up front page of New York Post: “Butcher of Baghdad – Exclusive – Inside Saddam’s Prison Cell” headline with photo of Saddam Hussein in only his underwear ] No, that’s not the Arab Abercrombie & Finch catalog. It’s Saddam Hussein in his tightie-whities. Who’s controlling our foreign policy – the Bush administration, or the media? Here to talk about this controversy, is one of the journalists at the center of all this hullabaloo, Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff.

Michael Isikoff: Glad to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: You might want to check your sources on that. Also with us, fresh off her trip to Iraw, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Condoleeze Rice: Thank you, Chris. As always, the adminsitration welcomes the chance —

Chris Matthews: [ sternly ] And.. no! Mr. Isikoff, we’re gonna start with you. You’re a veteran reporter, you helped break the Abu Ghraib story, the Lewinsky scandal, Iran-Contra! What happened with the Quran story? Did you get your source out of Dan Rather’s rolodex? Are you just gonna print anyone tells you, or what?

Michael Isikoff: Chris, before we go to press, each story is put through a rigorous process of fact-checking to make ure it holds up. First, we ask the surce if he or she is lying. If the answer is “Yes,” we will not use that source. If the answer is “No,” we then ask them, “Are you sure?” If the answer to that question is “Yes,” we follow up with a very stern, “Promise?” Then, “You swear you’re not lying?” It’s a pretty air-tight process, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Why do I get the feeling it’s incredibly easy to prank call Newsweek magazine? Madame Secretary, the administration has chastized Newsweek for printing a story which relied on faulty information, now you claim you are investigating the Saddam cheesecake photos. I ask you, is the administration losing control faster than Billy Joel behind the wheel after a ten-martini linch?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, I think everyone would agree that, up until the media got involved, things were going pretty great in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Chris Matthews: Madame Secretary, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. But I want to see where this is going.

Condoleeze Rice: [ continues ] The media needs to be held responsible for the stories it reports. If not, this admistration is prepared to take action.

Chris Matthews: Okay, like what?

Condoleeze Rice: Well, there are a lot of options on the table. Our government might invade Newsweek mmagazine. Or we might start our own administration, and have picutres of journalists, suhc as you, Chris Matthews, in your underwear. [ holds up doctored photo of Chris Matthews’ head over Saddam Hussein’ssemi-nude body, with headline “Welcome To Lard Ball!” ] Lard Ball!

Chris Matthews: Good Lord. Joining us now to shout about God knows what, everyone’s favoite looney tune – former senator and current Fox News contributor, Zell Miller! Zell, whattaya got for us?

Zell Miller: [ his face turns more red with each word ] I’m sick of hearing about Newsweek magaine!! Let me tell you what we used to do when some yellow-bellied desk jockey wrote something we didn’t like!! We roundedup our boys, got ourselves some crow bars and shotguns and we’d head on down to the local pronting press to have ourseles a “ta-alk”! After we were done “talking”, we’d throw a couple of kerosene lamps through the window, and the problem’s solved!!

Chris Matthews: This is why I come into work every day, folks. Final thouhts, Michael Issikoff?

Michael Isikoff: [ covering the mouthpiece of the telephone he’s speaking into ] I’m afraid I don’t have the time, Chris. We just received an important lead. Apparently, Prince Albert is trapped in a can and must be let out. May God be with him.

Chris Matthews: [ holding a telephone to his ear ] You don’t say? Ha! [ hangs up the telephone ] Condoleeza Rice?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, the freedom of the press is something the Bush administration loves about this county. Don’t make us take it away.

Chris Matthews: Zell Miller – go.

Zell Miller: Let me tell you, Matthews! This country’s got a real problem with the media, and you’re one of them! If you can’t control that dirty liberal thing you call a mouth, then maybe I’ll have to jump on my horse and come up north myself and put a sock in it!! Do you hear me, Chris Matthews?!! Do you hear me?!! [ now completely red in the face ]

Chris Matthews: When we return, Saddam in his speedo, Condi takes over Newsweek, Zell Miller explodes. But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you to Coldplay, Lorne Michaels, cast. Everyone for letting me host the season finale. God bless.

[ Horatio Sanz goofily holds up a sign that reads: “Good Luck P P”, as staff writer Paula Pell waves goodbye and is hugged by various cast members ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Bear City

Announcer…..Fred Willard

[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]

Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.

[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]

Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ]

[ dissolve up “Bear City” title card ]

Jingle:
“Bear City
Bear, Bear City.”

[ show bears as they now exist on earth – bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]

Announcer: Although they couldn’t talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.

[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ]

[ SUPER: “Rex Banter” over boy, “Cynthia Davis” over girl ]

Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.

[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ]

[ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Mom’s Going Shopping.”

[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear’s shopping list: “Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey.” ]

[ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled “Honey Lappers” into the VCR. ]

[ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ]

[ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear’s shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ]

[ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]

Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan

Coldplay

None

None
HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.

Transcript

WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.

Transcript

New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts