MC…..Kenan Thompson Woman…..Amy Poehler Man #1…..Fred Armisen Man #2…..Horatio Sanz Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch Bob Bummer…..Steve Carell
[open on reception with bride and groom slow-dancing to the side while four attendees are seated]
MC: All right, put your hands together for Mr. and Mrs. Paul Anderson! All right, I will be back in just a bit. Please, enjoy your dinners!
Woman: Aw, you guys, I love weddings!
Man #1: This is one of the best ever!
Man #2: Aw, and don’t they look perfect together?
Debbie Downer: Yeah, but so did Renée and Kenny.
Woman: What?
Debbie Downer: Zellweger and Chesney. They looked great together, too. Let’s just hope this marriage doesn’t end in [air quotes] “fraud.”
Man #1: What?
Debbie Downer: Wish them luck. The only thing higher than gas prices in this country are divorce rates. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
[dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” [zoom on Debbie’s sad face]
[dissolve to reception]
Man #1: Ah, does anyone else need butter?
Debbie Downer: Oh, none for me, thanks. My doctor says, with my arteries in their condition, it’s highly unlikely I’ll live to see seventy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wah wahhhhh]
Bob Bummer: [arriving at table] Hi, I guess I’m supposed to be sitting here. I’m Paul’s friend, Bob.
[everyone at table greets him]
Bob Bummer: [sitting] Wow, great wedding. Look at this spread. Could have used all this food at the Superdome. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm] Let’s all have fun tonight. But let’s be vigilant. According to recent Al Qaeda chatter, they’re going to be aiming for smaller targets. Like weddings. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
[dissolve to jingle montage]
Jingle: “Boom wakka wakka wakka / You were mindin’ your own bees wax / to the point where you / can re-lax / but you’re gonna get an earful / of bleak facts / from / Bob Bummer.” [zoom on Bob’s frowning face]
[dissolve to reception]
Man #2: Hey, I think the bride and groom should give each other a smooch! What do you think? [everyone clinks their glasses]
Debbie Downer: Hey, do you think Bob’s single? He’s handsome, smart, and charming. Of course, so was Ted Bundy. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
[Man #2 drops his fork]
Woman: Debbie, why don’t you just go talk to him?
Debbie Downer: Yeah? He does look fun.
Bob Bummer: The problem that really keeps me up at night is feline AIDS. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie & Bob Bummer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
[“meow meowwwww” sound effect as close up cuts from Debbie to Bob, with one “meow” for each]
Debbie Downer: Wow, I haven’t smiled this much since the Scott Peterson verdict. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: quick wah wah]
Bob Bummer: Oh, Debbie, you make me forget that the coming Asian flue epidemic could take a billion lives. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie Downer: I had heard higher. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched, quick wah wah]
Man #2: All right, I’m out of here. [stands and leaves]
Debbie Downer: Bob, would I be a fool to ask you to hold me all night?
Bob Bummer: Not at all, but I get up a lot due to my problems with frequent urination. [camera closes in on Bob’s face with drum: bwommmmm]
Debbie Downer: Oh, it’s okay. I’m prone to night terrors. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: very high pitched, quick wah wah]
[remaining man and woman stand and leave without another word]
Bob Bummer: Wanna come to my room, and help me inspect my hotel mattress for human stains? I packed a blacklight.
Debbie Downer: [gasps] I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.
[camera closes in on Debbie and Bob’s faces with trumpet and drum simultaneously playing signature sound effects]
[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie and Bob’s faces]
Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
Debbie & Bob Bummer: Wake up. The corn belt is now the crystal meth belt.
Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush…..Will Forte Terry…..Jason Sudeikis Wolf Blitzer…..Chris Parnell Nora…..Amy Poehler
[ open on “NBC News Special Report” logo ]
Announcer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Here now, is Tim Russert.
[ dissolve to Tim Russert hunched over at the news desk ]
Tim Russert: Saturday, September 22nd. President Bush, embattled on every front. The war in Iraq. Hurricane Katrina. His top Republican, Tom Delay, asked to step down. And the lowest approval rating of his presidency. Can he, the President, turn it around? The answer is just seconds away. President Bush, speaking live, from the White House. Let’s listen.
[ dissolve to empty podium in the White House press room. Bush approaches the podium. ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. Before I take any questions, let me just speak to the American people, about the current situation down there in the Gulf. It’s getting better. I’ve been.. to the area. I’ve gone, uh, seven times. [ chuckles ] And I’ve handed out fresh water, to people who needed water. I did this, without my suit jacket on. You know, I know I was a little late getting down there, but, uh.. now I’ve been down there. Seven times. [ holds up seven fingers ] Heck, you know, I might head on back down there tomorrow. That would be eight. [ holds up eight fingers ] You know, whatever it takes. I don’t want to put a number on it. Maybe 10, or 12. You know, people are still trying to get out of there. And I’m going back in. So, you know I’m in total control of this situation.
Now, uh.. here comes the part I hate. Do you, uh.. have.. any questions? [ looks around ] Terry?
Terry: Uh, Mr. President, Democrats and many Republicans are concerned about the amount of spending this administration has been talking about, somewherearound $400 billion, for both the reconstruction and the war in Iraq. Where is this money going to come from?
President George W. Bush: I went through this before, Terry! You know, it’s going to take what it’s going to take! Stop asking where the money is going to come from. You know, Idon’t like that question. You know, the money is going to come.. from.. where money comes from. You know? If you cut taxes, and you spend more, then you get more. That’s simple math. You know, no money coming in. Money going out. It all evens out. Stupid question. [ looks around ] Blitz?
Wolf Blitzer: Mr. President, if I could, I would like to return to those first few days where it seemed like you and your administration were strangely unaware of the devastation that all of America was seeing on TV. Why do you think the response was so slow coming from the White House?
President George W. Bush: As you may remember, Blitz, when this whole thing started, I was on my usual six-week vacation. You know, like every American takes. You know, I had about a week left. Three days into this terrible tragedy, I made the hard decision to cut my vacation short. You know, I still had two days left. You know, I could have cleared a lot of brush in those two days. But I didn’t. I flew right back to the White House, making sure to fly over the devastation for a quick look-see. You know, when I got back, I sat and waited for someone, anyone, to call FEMA for help and no one called. Not the mayor, not the governor. So I waited some more. Still no call. More waiting. More no calling. Those were hard, hard days. I began to wonder, you know, who’s in charge of this situation? You all know me – I couldn’t wait for ananswer. I sprung into action, and held a speech without my suit jacket on. [ looks around ] Nora?
Nora: Mr. President, many key figures in the Republican Party are under federal investigation. Are you going to hold men like Karl Rove responsible for his actions if he’s found guilty?
President George W. Bush: Well, as you know, uh, Karl is currently under investigation, and it’s the policy of this administration not to comment on an ongoing investigation.
Nora: Yeah? What about Tom Delay?
President George W. Bush: Also under investigation.
Nora: Bill Frist?
President George W. Bush: Investigation.
Nora: Scooter Libbey?
President George W. Bush: Investigato!
Nora: Jack Abramoff?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I see where you’re going with this, Nora, and I thank you for your question because this is something I want to talk about: 9/11. September 11th was a wake-up call. Katrina was also a wake-up call. And then Rita came along, and it also woke me up. [ chuckles ] I don’t like wake-up calls. I’m a sleeper-Inner. You know, who knows when the next wake-up call is coming? You know, I just hope the next wake-up call is not: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
(open on Lorne Michaels and Maya Rudolph standing outside Kanye Wests dressing room in the hallway outside the studio. Maya is pregnant and looks to be due any day now.)
Maya: (rubbing her belly) I dunno, I think people can tell.
Lorne: I honestly dont think so.
Maya: Really? I mean Im 8 months pregnant, and I think people are kind of on to it by now.
Lorne: Im standing right next to you and I cant tell.
(Finesse comes up the hallway and slides past them)
Finesse: Excuse me.
Lorne: Hey! I need you!
Finesse: (pointing at Mayas belly) I did not do that! (crowd laughs)
Maya: He still works here? (she exits to the front)
Lorne: I need you to do me a favor and check on Kanye, will you?
Finesse: You want me to make sure hes not gonna say anything crazy before he goes on performance, huh?
Lorne: Exactly, Kee
Finesse: Finesse!! Look, it’s my third season, Lorne! Finesse!
Lorne: I wasnt gonna say Kenan. I was gonna say.. (thinking) keeeeep it real.
Finesse: Oh oh ok ok.
Lorne: Just dont let him know Im worried. That could make it worse.
Finesse: No no. I got it. Ill take care of everything.
(Finesse turns and knocks on the door)
Finesse: Knock knock!! (sings) She gives me money!
(Finesse enters the room and the door closes for like a second before Kanye steps out)
Kanye: You sent the black guy in ’cause you thought I was gonna say something crazy?
Lorne: Uh, Kanye LOOK! (points behind the camera, then runs off the other way down the hall)
(Kanye continues down the hall towards the studio. As he turns the corner, while putting on his shades, he comes upon Mike Myers at the craft services, having a coffee. Audience cheers wildly for Mike)
Mike: (awkwardly) So uh Kanye hey! So uh hows everything goin? (nervous laugh) I havent seen you since uh when was it?
Kanye: The telethon?
Mike: Oh right. I forgot. The telethon. I got a lotta calls about it. Yeah. Mostly from the FBI and the IRS. They uh took away my American citizenship (maniacal laughter). Still got my Canadian one to fall back on. You know Im a Canuck! Pretty sure my phones tapped. They follow me now.
Kanye: (looking distracted) So uh, everythings good?
Mike: Yeah, great. (looks like he expects Kanye to slap him)
Kanye: Well uh, party on, Wayne!
Mike: Party on! Party on! (Kanye leaves and Mike turns and begins sobbing on the table)
(crowd claps and Kanye makes his way to stageside entrance)
Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers Mayor Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen Mamie Thibodeaux…..Maya Rudolph Cartrell…..Kenan Thompson Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler Al Pacino…..Bill Heder Ray Romano…..Steve Carell Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
(open on Anderson Cooper doing a show intro standing in front of a rebuilding construction site)
Anderson: Good evening Im Anderson Cooper. Devastation in New Orleans, families trying to piece their lives together, cars and trees. Its 7 PM on the east coast, 4 PM on the west. 360 starts now.
(Intro montage of scenes of Katrina devastation with SUPER: Anderson Cooper 360, STATE of EMERGENCY)
Anderson: Im Anderson Cooper and welcome back to this special edition of 360 from Jefferson Parish, La. I stand here amidst, uh, massive devastation among the ruins of a once great city and yet, somehow, I still manage to look great. Im here now with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Mayor Nagin, give us an update.
Nagin: (SUPER: Ray Nagin Mayor of New Orleans) Well Katrina oh my god, we were so desperate after Katrina, I asked for 150 million volunteers. That was way too many. So I told everybody to just go home. But then I realized, I shouldnt have sent everyone home, ya know. We needed some people so, I asked people to come back and it has been an overwhelming show of support, from the whole country. Especially the entertainment community. Although, I DO wanna say, we coulda done without Sean Penn and his boat full of guns. That is not ideal in a crisis situation.
Anderson: So, uh, Mr. Mayor, you have a bit of a celebrity construction crew here.
Nagin: Yes, yes. Despite their general lack of any construction experience, they are helping build this house. I mean, look at that. Tony Danza! (gestures behind him)
(camera and Anderson move back to find Tony Danza working in a long sleeve sport coat audience applause)
Tony: (thick Italian Danza accent) Hey Anderson! Yeah look at me, Im really helpin out. Im really doin it! (chuckle) Me! Tony Danza!
Anderson: Um uh, it looks like youre sawing a chair in half Tony. (laughter)
Tony: (stops sawing) Its the least I could do.
Anderson: Um, lets take the time to meet the family that will be moving in when this house is finished. This is um, Mamie Thibodeaux (camera moves over to Mamie, pregnant, dressed in curlers and a Miami Heat jersey) um, who completely lost her home in hurricane Katrina but shes already moving into a new one thanks to the generosity of these very familiar faces. Mrs. Tibodeaux, how are you?
Mamie: (SUPER: MAMIE THIBODEAUX) Well, to think that just a few days ago we didnt have no house, no food, no clothes see we still wouldnt have any clothes if it wasnt for the good people at the Boudreaux costume shop.
Cartrell: Mama!!
(camera pans over to her 3 young boys, dressed in Halloween costumes, Cartrell dressed as Spongebob Squarepants)
Cartrell: Why I gotta be Spongebob? (laughter & applause)
Mamie: You should just be happy to have clothes on your back Cartrell!
Tony: Hey! (holding up an autographed T-shirt) You guys want a Tony Danza t-shirt?
(All 3 boys shake their heads and mumble no)
Sharon: (off-camera) Ohhh ho! Painting is WONderful!!
(Anderson moves back behind Mamie to Sharon Stone painting a wall and Al Pacino installing a door at a 45 degree angle to the actual door frame)
Anderson: Well uh, this is interesting. Lets take a look over here. Weve got a couple of Oscar nominated, uh, carpenters of sorts. We have Sharon Stone & Al Pacino (Al turns around, slouched at the shoulders, and nods at the camera while Sharon smiles widely) um, there we are um.
Sharon: (leaning back and arching her back to talk to the microphone) Hello Anderson!
Anderson: Um, Sharon tell us, do you have any previous experience with construction?
Sharon: (shakes head and chuckles) Absolutely not, but I have partied with a few construction workers.
Anderson: And um, Mr Pacino, um, Im no expert here, but, I think youre trying to put a door where a window is supposed to be.
Pacino: Anderson. We are building a new house in New New Orleans. Well put the doors wherever we want. (audience chuckles) What?!?! (Pacino turns and looks to his left) Awwww! There a shihtzu stuck in a Spanish oak tree. I go to save that dog. (audience laughs and claps)
(camera pans over and Cartrell has joined Anderson)
Cartrell: Man Im telling you, he has saved that dog like 5 times already but he keeps goin back up in the tree! Im pretty sure its scared of Pacino.
(gunshot is heard from off camera in direction Pacino went. Cartrell and Anderson cower and look around)
Anderson: Uh were hearing some gunshots from outside. Its hard to know exactly what it could be.
(Ray Romano comes around a corner behind Anderson)
Uh hold on I see Mr. Ray Romano is coming inside.
Ray: Yeah, uh hey everybody, its OK. (audience claps in approval of Steve Carells impression of Ray Romanos voice)
Anderson: So uh, tell us Ray, uh, what happened?
Ray: Aaaaaaa, it’s just Sean Penn. Hes shooting at the FEMA helicopters, cause theyre mad that they showed up late.
Anderson: OK, I see and um, what have you been doing out here Ray?
Ray: Aaaaaaa, mostly, trying to keep Sean Penn calm, you know (more gunshots from outside along with helicopters). Its uh, not really working. I better go check on this. On the positive side, I think hes almost out of ammo.
Anderson: Ok thanks, keep up the good work Ray.
Aaron: (off camera, sung to the tune of Everybody plays the fool) “Everybody plays the blues, sometiiiime.”
Anderson: (shakes head) I think we can assume that those dulcet tones can mean only one thing um (Anderson moves to right to find Aaron Neville hammering away) New Orleans own Aaron Neville.
(audience cheers)
Aaron: (to the tune of I dont know much) “I dont know much, but I know how to hammer a nail into a wall, and that may be, all theyre willing to let me do.” (applause as Aaron picks the hammer back up and begins banging).
Anderson: Well from the looks of things, those nails are clearly not going in the right place (the wall has about 30 nails sticking out of it pointing in all different directions) but uh, I think we can rest assured that Mr. Nevilles heart is in the right place. (As he says this, the hammer slips out of Aarons hand on the backswing and flies off behind them) Oh my goodness!! Um er, wha, what happened there Mr. Neville?
Aaron: (in Aaron Neville singing style, taking microphone from Anderson) “I got too much cocoa-butter lotion on my hands. Woooo Oooooo!” (hands microphone back to Anderson)
Anderson: (shakes microphone off) People helping people, or more accurately, famous people helping regular people. Its obviously a very exciting time here. (Geraldo Rivera and his cameraman come around the corner behind Anderson and moves up next to him)
Geraldo: This is Geraldo Rivera for FOX news (crowd applause)
Anderson: Actually, no um, its 360 Im Anderson Cooper (Geraldo turns and looks at him and Anderson sheepishly shies away) um, OK.
Geraldo: Im reporting live from the cretinous crater of the crescent city catastrophe, where the last few days Ive saved literally thousands of babies, black babies, white babies, this morning I saved an asian baby. When it comes to saving babies, Geraldo Rivera is colorblind, in fact, Im about to save this baby right now. (camera pans to one of Mamies sons, who is dressed as a baby in yellow PJs, blue bonnet and pacifier) He is going to go
Cartrell: Hey man!
Geraldo: Huh?
Cartrell: He aint no baby. Hes 32 years old.
Geraldo: (turns to Cartrell) As you can see, this young man is in the grips of a dastardly delirium brought on by the buffeting blasts of Katrinas gale force onslaught. My first priority is to get him to safety aboard my flotilla, fashioned from flotsam and jetsam and the silky hairs of my own mustache. (loud gunshots, Geraldo flinches and stays hunched as he and his cameraman hurry off to the right) And thats it for me, Geraldo Rivera FOX news.
Anderson: (passing Geraldo as he comes back onscreen) Well we will uh, take this as our cue to go as I suspect and (looks off to the right as we hear sound of a car being started and driven off) yes Im right, Geraldo has taken our van. This is Anderson Cooper join me tomorrow when Ill be wearing a new Roberto Cavalli raincoat. Youre watching 360.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 1st, 2005 Steve Carell Kanye West None Lorne Michaels Mike Myers Adam Levine NBC Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) relunctantly participates in a Q&A session about recent current events. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tim Russert, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran. Transcript
MontageNote: Tina Fey is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Steve Carell’s MonologueSummary: Following his big-screen success as “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others. Bio: Steve Carell (1963-). Comedian; auditioned to join cast of SNL in 1995, beat out by Will Ferrell; married to short-term SNL cast member Nancy Walls since 1995; voiced superhero Gary in the Ambiguously Gay Duo” cartoons on short-lived “Dana Carvey Show”, 1996, and SNL, 1996-2002; correspondent on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”, 1999-2001; star of the American version of “The Office” since 2005; big-screen credits include “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” (2005). Also Hosted: 07l. Transcript
Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school. Transcript
Jet Blue Flight #292Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming. Transcript
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) reports from the floodwaters of New Orleans, as a barrage of inept celebrities build housing for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Sharon Stone, Al Pacino, Aaron Neville, Geraldo Rivera. Note: Anderson Cooper says he’s reporting from Jefferson Parish (bordered by Orleans Parish), but, given the set-up and the appearances of Ray Nagin and Aaron Neville, the sketch is more likely set in New Orleans’ Ninth Ward neighborhood, where residential damages match those portrayed in the sketch. Transcript
The Couple That Should Be DivorcedSummary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch). Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler. Note: When this sketch was performed last season, Sally and Dan’s last name was “Harrison.” Transcript
Girls Gone Wild KatrinaSummary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims — aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs! Transcript
BackstageSummary: Behinds the scenes at Studio 8-H, Maya Rudolph worries that her pregnancy shows, while Lorne Michaels sweats out the possibility of Kanye West causing controversy during his performance. While heading for the stage, Kanye West runs into Mike Myers, whose life hasn’t been easy since they appeared together at the Hurricane Katrina relief telethon. Transcript
Kanye West performs “Gold Digger” & Touch The Sky”Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time. Also Performed: 07a.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off. Transcript
Variety VaultSummary: “The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour” returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel “Fun With Real Audio” cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations. Note: TV Funhouse opens upon return from a commercial break, as it had in its early days, instead of between sketches.
Kanye West and Adam Levine perform “Heard ‘Em Say”Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5. Cameos: 07a.
Debbie DownerSummary: At a wedding reception, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) finds romance with like-minded Bob Bummer (Steve Carell). Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Katrina RescueSummary: A heroic man (Chris Parnell) goes on a rescue mission in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and thwarts looters (Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell).
Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another. Note: This commercial parody airs on next week’s live show, and repeats a few more times throughout the season.
SonogramSummary: When an expectant mother (Maya Rudolph) goes in for a sonogram, the baby (Rachel Dratch) on the monitor requests that the doctor (Steve Carell) take her mother off Mexican food and Norah Jones music.
Wool SweaterSummary: Keith (Steve Carell) works himself into a frenzy at a Christmas party while waiting to impress his girlfriend, Carrie (Amy Poehler) with his new wool sweater. Note: This sketch eventually airs in the episode hosted by Dane Cook.
Carol!Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better. Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Lance Armstrong. Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.
HospitalSummary: While in the hospital, a man (Horatio Sanz) is treated simultaneously by an optimistic doctor (Steve Carell) and a pessimistic doctor (Chris Parnell).
Talk RadioSummary: Talk radio hosts (Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) banter about NBC’s Fall line-up.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Special: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live
Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live
…..Lorne Michaels …..Dan Aykroyd …..Marilyn Suzanne Miller …..Herb Sargent …..Eric Idle …..Eugene Lee …..Rosie Shuster …..Candace Bergen …..Bernie Brillstein
[ return from commercial on The Band’s medley performance, 10/31/76 ]
The Band: [ singing ] “Life is a carnival, believe it or not Life is a carnival, two bits a shot.”
Eugene Lee: The idea of a show having a home in that sort of setting was very disorienting. But Lorne wanted to be right in the heart of it.
Craig Kellem: At 30 Rockefeller Plaza, you feel overwhelmed by show business. You have the quintessential New York attitude, which is, “We don’t care who you are, and who are you?”
Dan Aykroyd: I always had trouble getting in. The guards just never respected me.
Marilyn Miller: They didn’t know what they were going to encounter when they got off the elevator, and they didn’t want to know.
Tom Davis: It was rough out there on 17.
Howard Shore: 17th floor is a mad house. There’s no question about it. I mean, it was crazy.
Marilyn Miller: You know, it looks — it looks like a dorm. [ cackles ] It looked like utter Hell.
Steve Martin: It looks like a dorm.
Marilyn Miller: That’s what it was, it was a dorm. With all the desks, like, in the hallways, one after another.
Herb Sargent: Like an Army base. It was like a camp. If you opened the door, you would hear screaming, or laughter, or fighting, or something. Close the door, and it was quiet again.
Eric Idle: It was like a huge play pen for comedians and writers. And they said, “Here’s NBC, and from here on, it isn’t NBC. It’s Anti-NBC.”
[ Eric Idle monologue, 1978 ]
Eric Idle: Hey, I thought this sketch had been cut. Yeah, this is out. This is out. Have you seen the writers, anybody? Oh, God. [ Sitar music ] Hello?
Dan Aykroyd: We were living in the building, a lot of us. I managed to get a shower and bunk beds installed in my office.
Marilyn Miller: Nobody would go, “just a moment, would you hold on? I’ll get him.” They’d go, “There’s a phone call for you in your room!” “Your room.” Rockefeller center was “your room.”
Howard Shore: I think the 17th floor was nicer than any of our apartments. We didn’t make much money.
Eugene Lee: I mean, we were rowdy back then, you know? We were very rowdy, that’s all. I mean, the elevator door on 17 was all busted up, you know, because, what do you do when you wait for the elevator? You kick the door.
[ cut to entrance of “Interior Demolitionists” ]
Good morning, Ma’am.
Good morning, Ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?
Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?
Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?
Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you send for Interior demolitionists?
Rosie Shuster: There was a food metaphor Lorne had, like, “We know the ingredients, we just don’t know the quantity and the recipe. So we’re going to find it on its feet.”
Lorne Michaels: We had a momentum. We were doing shows one after another. And there was an incredible level of fatigue. And excitement.
Dick Ebersol: Show four, with Candy Bergen, is the first show that begins to have, sort of, that infectious, mass cast kind of feeling of, “We’re all having, really, a good time here.”
[ clips from Bergen’s first episode: Ford, Bee Monologue, World Leader, Albert Brooks, Kiwi ]
[ cut to opening of “Jaws II” ]
[ doorbell sounds ]
Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??
Woman #1: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..
Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.
Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.
[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ]
[ SUPER: “Jaws II” ]
Lorne Michaels: I think the confidence that we had came from being a group. There was so much talent around that you just fed off it.
Candace Bergen: From the first show, to the one I did, which I think was the fourth show, “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” became part of the pop culture. [ cut to opening of “Weekend Update” ]
Announcer: and now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean you’re late? How late? Two weeks late. That could be emotions. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it, okay? Okay. Good-bye, Barbara. Margaret. I’m sorry.
Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.
Bernie Brillstein: And Chevy was a star before he was a star. You know, he just looked like a star, acted like a star and was really talented.
Dan Aykroyd: He wrote for the other cast members, you know? He was very generous that way. And he exploded very fast to superstardom status.
Belushi: Well, Mr. Chase…
Lorne Michaels: When they’d done “Lemmings,” John was the star of the show. And I think that it just began to alter the balance.
[ Belushi punches Chevy ]
Marilyn Miller: Chevy was supposed to be, sort of, the Cary Grant of the cast. He was the W.A.S.P., Handsome Guy. The rest of us were considered schlubs.[ cut to “Chevy’s Girls” ]
Chevy’s Girls: [ singing ] “Chevy! Chevy! I love when you fall down Each “Saturday Night” on my TV. Oh, but, Chevy, every time you take that fall I wish that you were falling, falling for me!”
[ cut to the 1976 Emmy Awards ]
Redd Foxx: For Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Variety or Music Series, Chevy Chase.
[ Chevy Chase jokingly stumbles his way toward the podium ]
Chevy Chase: Needless to say, this is totally expected on my part. [ Light laughter ]
For Outstanding Comedy, Variety or Music Series, “NBC’s Saturday Night.” Lorne Michaels, producer.
[ Lorne Michaels run up to the stage to accept his Emmy award ]
Lorne Michaels V/O: And I thought, “It’s not going to get better than this. Is there a way I can get out of here?”
Lorne Michaels: [ at the podium ] I would like to thank the people at NBC, most notably, Dick Ebersol, who was there at the beginning, and has supported us all along. I’d also like to thank the city of New York for the correct combination of rejection and alienation, which keeps the comedy spirit alive. [ laughter ] I’d like to thank the best production staff, a lot of old timers who worked in live television, and neglected to mention what it was like before we started.
Lorne Michaels: That’s when the Industry began to notice us. And after that, the state of grace that we’d been in up to that point changed.
Gilda Radner: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”!
[ dissolve to opening montage of “Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live” ]
Jimmy Fallon: When I was, like, a kid, me and my sister would imitate the Wild and Crazy Guys. [ imitates Wild and Crazy Guys ] “Let’s go to Statue of Liberty to get birth control devices.” You know? Like, my grandfather’s like, “What are you teaching these kids?”
Molly Shannon: I have such fond memories of seeing my father, like, roar with laughter. And it was a way to connect, and this opening of a world that was brand new to me.
[ cut to Julia Child bleeding in The French Chef, 12/09/78 ]
Julia Child: Oh! Oh, God, it’s throbbing! [ Laughter ]
Tim Meadows: You weren’t used to seeing a black guy get angry at a white guy in a comedy sketch. So, it was sort of, like, empowering.
Interviewer: I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
Mr. Wilson: Your mama!
Norm MacDonald: I loved Laraine Newman. Reminded me of the girls that you could actually get, instead of TV girls.
[ cut to opening of E. Buzz Miller’s Exercise World, 04/15/78 ]
E. Buzz Miller: Say Hi to our viewers, Christy.
Christy Christina: Hi! [ giggles ]
Dana Carvey: When “Saturday Night Live” premiered, yeah, it was just like they were the coolest of the cool. They were literally the Beatles of comedy.
[ cut to the Earl of Sandwich approaching Lord Douchebag in Lord Douchebag, 05/24/80 ]
Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag!
Conan O’Brien: And the sense of humor is so — it was the way that you were funny with your friends in the lunchroom. It wasn’t anything that you’d seen on TV before.
[ cut to Wolverines, 10/11/75, as the Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor ]
Conan O’Brien: I just remember thinking how cool I was to be able to stay up so late and watch this funny stuff on television.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I sort of felt a part of the irreverence. I was getting the jokes, too. I was very mature. You know.
Spokeswoman: Really enough to make you want to puke your guts out. [ Laughter ]
[ pull out on full title card, zoom in on early black-and-white photo of Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: At that point in my life, for better, for worse, I was just completely uncompromising.
[ cut to Weekend Update with Chevy Chase ]
Chevy Chase: Let’s take a brief look back at 1975, shall we? [ turns his head to look back at “1975” on the screen ]
[ cut to Loudon Wainwright III’s performance of “Bicentennial”, 11/15/75 ]
Loudon Wainwright III: [ singing ] “Hey, we’re gonna have an anniversary Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial. Hey, America’s having a birthday Gonna be 200 years old Isn’t it wonderful?”
Al Franken: You got to go back to 1975. We were still in Vietnam, and Nixon’s resignation was still fresh.
President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.
Rosie Shuster: We were children of the ’60s. We’d come out of the pill, and free love, and sex, drugs, rock ‘N’ roll, but also out of civil rights and feminism, and there was nothing on the airwaves that fed back to us the culture we were living. Movies had done it, rock ‘n’ roll had done it, but television was way behind.
[ cut to Patti Smith’s performance of “My Generation”, 04/17/76 ]
Patti Smith: [ singing ] “Talking about my generation.”
Candace Bergen: If you could see who ran the network in those days, it was really entrenched bureaucracy, and the suits and the ties.
[ cut to Fred Silverman sketch, 12/02/78 ]
Fred Silverman: Can’t believe that I had to cancel nine shows. And they were terrible shows! I don’t understand how they fail.
Dan Aykroyd: The only thing out there were shows that had these, sort of, sketch sensibilities. You know, they were joke machines – We weren’t a joke machine – while we were a concept machine, a scene machine.
Paul Simon: Oh, my goodness. I’m really sorry. The Bees number’s cut!
Jane Curtin: What?
Dan Aykroyd: Aw, shucks!
Rosie Shuster: I don’t think they had a lot of confidence in this show. I mean, I don’t think they really understood any more than we did what was about to happen.
Chevy Chase: We went in with no aspirations, no sense that this would go anywhere. And that we had a chance, at least for a year, to parody and take down television.
Rosie Shuster: And, you know, the big question was, “Now what?”
[ cut to Elvis Costello’s performance of “Watching the Detectives”, 12/17/77 ]
Elvis Costello: [ singing ] “Nice girls, not one with a defect Cellophane shrink wrapped so-correct Red dogs under illegal legs.”
Howard Shore: April 1st of 1975, I began moving from my room at the Chateau Marmont. Before we knew it, we were in New York. And Lorne and Tom Schiller were living at the Plaza.
Tom Schiller: He was monomaniacal about it. Everything he said was about “The Show.” “The Show.” And “What show,” I thought. You know?
Lorne Michaels: Since I didn’t know anyone in New York, Marilyn Miller, who I’d known as a writer on Lily’s show said, “You should look up Michael O’Donoghue.”
Chevy Chase: O’Donoghue was the managing editor of “The Lampoon” when they put it out with the cover showing a dog and a gun saying, “If you don’t buy this magazine, we’ll shoot this dog.” Michael was living with a woman named Anne Beatts.
Anne Beatts: I rather audaciously told him how much I disliked the Lily Tomlin specials, and that I preferred Sonny and Cher. And why he wanted to hire me, I can’t imagine.
Chevy Chase: I was in a line for Monty Python’s “Holy Grail.” “We are the knights who say ‘Nee’.” You know. And next to me was Lorne. And we immediately hit it off.
Lorne Michaels: So I offered him a writing job. And he was torn, ’cause he wanted to be a performer. And I couldn’t guarantee that he would be in the cast. He and O’Donoghue knew each other, so this was a natural chemistry there.
Chevy Chase: Tony Hendra was putting together something called “National Lampoon’s Lemmings.” And he’d called in a ringer from Chicago’s Second City, and that was Belushi. John was, without a doubt, the star of the show.
Lorne Michaels: Everybody thought it would be a good idea if I met John. I met John. He told me that he didn’t do television. We didn’t hit it off. Gilda, who also knew John, said he has a — as he does, you know, a real sweet side.
Anne Beatts: Gilda was in New York doing the “National Lampoon” show. So she was someone that was, like, part of the family already. Bill [Murray] was also somebody that we were really keen on Lorne hiring, but instead, he wanted to hire this Canadian guy that we were suspicious of. This Aykroyd fellow. Dan had just come in from Toronto on a motorcycle the size of a building.
Dan Aykroyd: Once Lorne saw Belushi and I together, that he didn’t like. He saw a power structure there that might challenge his authority. Franken and Davis and Gilda were sort of lobbying, and convinced him to hire us.
Marilyn Miller: I knew Franken and Davis in L.A. Because all the young people hung out at the Comedy Store.
Al Franken: She had paid me to play tennis with her. Kind of humiliating. But I had no money.
Eric Idle: Franken and Davis were like a classic comedy writing duo, you know. But they were always, like, whacked out of their skulls.
Al Franken: Tom and I were the only writers that Lorne hired that he hadn’t met. And to this day, we believe that if he had met us, we would not have been hired.
Anne Beatts: Laraine had already been cast.
Lorne Michaels: I knew Laraine Newman from “The Lily Tomlin Show.”
Laraine Newman: Gilda and I watched the auditions. And boy, am I glad I didn’t have to audition.
Barbara Gallagher: The audition, at least 400 people.Tom Schiller: People like Jane Curtin came in.
Lorne Michaels: Jane looked like she belonged on television. She had a face that was sort of built for parody.
Barbara Gallagher: Garrett, by the way, Garrett Morris, he was a writer to begin with. And Lorne wanted to put him on the air.
Garrett Morris: Lorne put out the word that he wanted a black writer. And being crazy, you know, he didn’t know me from Adam. I must have looked — I don’t know. He said, “You’re hired,” right?
Tom Schiller: Alan Zweibel, one of the most nervous guys in the world, came in.Alan Zweibel: I was a joke writer for Catskill comedians. This guy sits down next to me. And he said, “You’re the worst comedian I’ve ever seen in my life. How much money do you need to live?” So I said, “well, I’m making $2.75 an hour at the deli. Match it.”
Tom Schiller: It started growing like a molecular explosion. All areas. Herb Sargent was a teacher. And in the early days, he left a script out which gave the format of all the things, where there’s a character name, and then the dialogue, and then the stage direction. ‘Cause none of us knew how to really do that.
Herb Sargent: I didn’t teach them anything. They learned as they went along. I’d frown at something, but that was about it.
Rosie Shuster: Lorne had an eye for talent. It was like, it’s a picnic, and someone will bring the potato salad, someone will bring the — he had a sense of variety. He understood there needed to be some form of balance.Anne Beatts: It was a little like being Wendy on the Island of lost boys, in a way.
Lorne Michaels: For me, it was an incredibly exciting time. I mean, I was probably fearful of actually going on the air, ’cause I’d never really done a live television show. And, as I’ve said endlessly, we don’t go on because it’s ready, we go on because it’s 11:30. And that tends to be very clarifying.
[ European Immigrant in tight-mouthed concentration, nods ]
Professor: I would like…..
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I would like….
Professor: ….to feed your fingertips….
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent] ….to feed yur fingerteeps….
Professor: …to the wolverines.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ….to de wolver-eenes.
Professor: Next, I am afraid….
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I em afred…
Professor: …we are out…
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …we are out…
Professor: …of badgers.
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …of badjurs.
Professor: Would you accept…
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] Would you accept…
Professor: …a wolverine…
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …a wolver-eene…
Professor: …in it’s place?
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …een es place.
Professor: Next, “Hey,” Ned exclaimed…
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “Hey,” Ned asclaimed…
Professor: “let’s boil…
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “let’s boil…
Professor: …the wolverines.”
European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …the wolver-eenes.”
Professor: Next…
[ The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professor’s gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor. ]
[ Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles. ]
Stage Manager: Live from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!
[ dissolve to opening credits of the very first episode ]
Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night.”
Barbara Gallagher: You know that story about “Saturday Night Live.” About the title. The show was called “Saturday Night Live.” And then Howard Cosell was coming on with his Ed Sullivan show. So he got on before we did, and he called his show, “Saturday Night Live.” So we couldn’t use it. So it was, “Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’.”
[ opening montage of the first episode continues ]
Announcer: The Not For Ready Primetime Players!
Don Pardo: I think it’s the only time that I ever flubbed anything. Herb Sargent, the next day, he said, “You know what you said at the opening? You said, ‘Not For Ready’ instead of ‘Ready For’.” I says, “I did?” I didn’t even realize it.
Craig Kellem: The Monday after the show, we all met in Lorne’s office. Now, looking at the ratings, it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t terrific. So it completely amazed me when he looked up, and he said, “I guess we’re a hit.” And I thought to myself, “What is he talking about?”
Neil Levy: All the reviews were bad. I mean, it was just like, “This show is sophomoric. It’s puerile.” And he put them up on the wall, constantly. There was a whole bulletin board filled with bad reviews. And he just scoffed at them.
Dick Ebersol: That was the season that NBC fell to third for the first time in its history. If it had been the typical fall season in 1975, I could see us not having made it.
Lorne Michaels: I knew that if I could do the shows that I would watch, or that I thought was good, that it would be successful. I never questioned that it would be a hit if I could actually get it on.
Summary“Saturday Night Live” began its 30th season with only minimal changes from the previous season. Jimmy Fallon left the show after six seasons of mixed performances, enabling featured player Fred Armisen to be promoted as a full performer. Rob Riggle, a former U.S. Marine turned comedian, joined SNL as a featured player to keep the cast even. Fallon’s vacated seat at the Weekend Update desk left many fans biting their nails with wonder of who, if anyone, would take over his co-anchor position next to head writer Tina Fey. The task went to seasoned performer (and longtime Fey pal) Amy Poehler, in a move obviously penetrated to distract critics from the continued subpar writing efforts throughout SNL. While Fey-Poehler deliver more of the same hijinks previously seen on Weekend Update, even the most ardent fans begin to long for a more permanent turnover at the desk.
…..Amy Poehler …..Tina Fey Chris Cox-Sanz…..Rachel Dratch Danni Sanz-Cox…..Maya Rudolph Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson President Vicente Fox…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the deskwhile humming the first notes of Old Time Rock n Roll] This week,the London Sun and the New York Post published photos ofSaddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpetdoes match the drapes.
Heres the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr.has really let himself go!
Back to you, Amy.
Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprisetrip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousandsof U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]
Tina Fey: Donald Trumps elected Kendra Todd as his first femaleApprentice during Thursday nights season finale, although some feltthe prize jobs offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had thechoice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating TrumpsPalm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super JumboTrumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] Theyre huge the hugesttampons in the world! Theyre huge.
Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, ViliFualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she woreVera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]
Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalizedgay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sexcouples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about theirfirst year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr.Danni Sanz-Cox.
[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]
Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us Mrs. and Mrs.
Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- Im sorry. I-I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had onlyseen your names and a photograph of you.
Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.
Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, its been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest familyand friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and theyappear like two men]
Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?
Tina Fey: Yes.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like were part of society, Tina, like were a regular, married couple.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was sayingDammit, Chris whered you put the checkbook? and Chris was, like, Idont know. Why dont you look under that big-ass pile of Oprahmagazines you need to keep so frickin badly. And then I pretended tobe asleep so we didnt have to have sex. [they smile at each other]
Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.
Tina Fey: Yeah, thats a real marriage.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups likeFocus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual communityhas perfected marriage.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O Reilly.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God hadin mind.
Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.
Chris Cox-Sanz: But were just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]
Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks Did you brush your teeth after dinner?
Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!
Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.
Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!
Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, Id want you to tell me!
Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.
Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and DanniCox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]
Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New Yorkposted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movies openingnight. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] Pickyou up at eight, my mother will? [frowns] Thats my Yoda impression.
Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more thandrilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant inVirginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]
Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card thatusers can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.
Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexicokissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they mettheir reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.
Tina Fey: Oscar win– Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People whove seen the special said, O-oh!
Amy Poehler: O-oh! [to the tune of Ray Charles Whatd I Say]
Tina Fey: O-oh!
Amy Poehler: O-oh!
Tina Fey: Uhh.
Amy Poehler: Uhh.
Tina Fey: Uhnn.
Amy Poehler: No.
Tina Fey: Ugh.
Amy Poehler: Ugh. [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]
Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to itstickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but whos gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]
Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the FemaleOrgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [pictureof the books fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence]Theyre looking for it
A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audiencethat enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed videogames, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land,and Super Jesuit Brothers.
Tina Fey: An English mans leg was saved after his Jack Russellterrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg frombecoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to savehis own balls. [cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in,uh[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into aWal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials arent sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction fromaudience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, thatwas my last joke!
Tina Fey: Youll think about that joke all summer.
Amy Poehler: I know!
Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be travelingto Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Foxfor saying Mexicans take jobs that not even blacks would do. Now, weat Weekend Update simply do not have the patience to wait for thatmeeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.
[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]
Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that blackpeople in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and mostdemeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for thisunequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.
President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choiceof words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult toyou, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard forblacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]
President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought thatthe difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!
Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.
President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.
Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I mustsay, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and acue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the moreEnglish they pick up. [some applause]
President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.
Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and foryour apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]
President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.
Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Cant we all just get along, please?
Amy Poehler: Yeah Oh, I got one!
A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Whos driving?
Tina Fey: I dont know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharptonshake their heads, puzzled]
Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]
Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!
President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend[puts his hand onRev. Sharptons shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who canwe laugh at?
Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh onceagain]
Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers andapplause]
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Air Date:
Summary: Following his big-screen success as “The 40-Year Old Virgin”, Steve Carell sings about being in league with frat-packers Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and others.
Summary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.
Summary: Female passenger (Amy Poehler) on Jet Blue Flight #292 enjoys the satellite television programming until she views an Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) news story revealing that the flight will crash-land. All the while, her oblivious, yet naive, husband (Steve Carell) happily enjoys a variety of entertainment programming.
Summary: Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) argue with one another while having dinner with recently-engaged friends (Steve Carell, Rachel Dratch).
Summary: Doug Stanhope (Jason Sudeikis) takes to the floodwaters of New Orleans to hand out rations and rescue Hurricane Katrina victims — aah, aah, aah! But only if those girls flash their boobs!
Bio: Kanye West (1977-). Rapper; stirred controversy at the Concert for Hurricane Relief when he proclaimed that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” embarrassing fellow presenter, Mike Myers, who was onstage with him at the time.
Summary: Horatio Sanz substitutes for Tina Fey, who recently gave birth to baby Alice. Horatio Sanz also delivers an editorial about the genius of President Bush. Nightlife correspondent Finesse Mitchell comments on how he accidentally picked up a dude at a club recently. New featured players Bill Hader and Andy Samberg have an Impression-Off.
Summary: “The Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Steve Carell) Feel Good Variety Hour” returns with another unaired episod from 1967, featuring more unusual song and dance and Granny (Amy Poehler).
Summary: In a Robert Smigel “Fun With Real Audio” cartoon, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts waffles his responses in a variety of odd situations.
Bio: Adam Levine (1979-). Musician; lead singer/guitarist of Maroon 5.
Summary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.
Summary: Dylan (Steve Carell) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.![[ICO]](/icons/blank.gif){kind=icon}
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