SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Club Traxx

Beertje Van Beers…..Maya Rudolph
Leonard…..Fred Armisen
Chichi Chi…..Amy Poehler
Vidal…..Will Forte
Natasha…..Lindsay Lohan
Tasha…..Rachel Dratch
Yuri…..Chris Parnell

[open on title: “EUROVIZION” followed by full schedule]

Announcer: [voice over] Coming up next on Eurovizion, it’s “Club Traxx.” At 23:01, “The Royal Swedish Ballet.” 23:15, “Child’s Corner.” And at 24:10, it’s “Buttspankers.”

[dissolve to a studio in the style of a dance club with title: “CLUB TRAXX”]

[title fades]

Beertje: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Hey! Hello, freaks! Do you have a clock? Because it’s time to get your freak out! You’re watching television and this is “Club Traxx.” I’m Beertje Van Beers.

[titles: “BEERTJE VAN BEERS,” “LEONARD”]

Leonard: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] And Leonard!

[titles fade]

Beertje: Hey, guys. Check me out. We’re counting down Eruope’s top video hits. I’d better put on my bikini and my flip flops, because this is the hottest show in the Universe.

Leonard: It’s really great!

Beertje: Wow, Leonard, you seem like one cool dude. Please tell us why this is.

Leonard: Well, this is because I love reggae music. [reggae beat begins, and Leonard speaks in time with it] Yeah, reggae music. With Bob Marley. Drinking coconuts. With a woman. So many dreadlocks. [music stops] Yes, reggae!

Beertje: Hey, pass the dutchie, Rastafari! Now let’s take a look at the top three videos on Eurovizion’s countdown.

Leonard: Coming in at number three, it is Chichi Chi with the song “Neon.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “3”]

[dissolve to video, with Chichi Chi in a techno club with small Icelandic flag and title: “Chichi Chi ‘Neon'”]

[techno music plays while two men in black mesh outfits perfrorm vogue-like dance moves]

Chichi Chi: [singing] “Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da.”

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Woo-hoo! Coming in at number two, it’s Vidal with “Don’t Forget to Dance with Me.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “2”]

[dissolve to video, with Vidal in front of sand dunes with small Greek flag and title: “Vidal ‘Don’t Forget to Dance with Me'”]

[Mediterranean music plays]

Vidal: [singing] “Don’t forget to dance with me. / Don’t forget your…” [lyrics indistinct]

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Hey! And at number one for the eleventieth week in a row, here in the studio, please welcome D.A.D.I.!

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “1”]

[dissolve to studio]

Leonard: D.A.D.I.!

Natasha: [with Russian accent] What?! What?! What are you looking at?

[title: “D.A.D.I.”]

Tasha: [with Russian accent] Yeah, what’s the big deal? Have you never seen two innocent girls before?

[title fades]

Natasha: Yeah, what is the big deal? We are just two best friends who love to hold hands. We love to go to the movies. And we love to pretend that we are lesbians and write songs about it! I love you, Tasha!

Tasha: I love you, Natasha!

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

Leonard: Wow! You know, the two of you together is like firecrackers! How did you become this lesbian duo?

Natasha: I was in the army.

Tasha: I was a mail-order bride.

Natasha: And we met Manager Yuri, who told us if we pretend to be lesbians it will sell many records.

[pan to Yuri, offstage, nodding vigorously and giving the thumbs up]

[pan to stage]

Beertje: Yeah! What’s up dawg? Lesbians are the new gay people. Yeah!

Leonard: Yes, there are many pictures of them on my portable computer.

Beertje: Oh, cut me some slacks, will you, Leonard? Why don’t you please get a room? Now let’s get the party started. Here to sing their hit song, “We’re on the Run,” is D.A.D.I.!

[pop music plays]

Natasha: “We’re on the run.”

Tasha: “We’re having fun.”

Both: “We don’t need no one / But each other. / We’re about to make out. / Here it comes. / You’re not gonna believe your eyes / When two girls make out. / It’s almost make out time. / Here it is.”

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

[music stops]

Beertje: All right! You guys are bad to the bone! So what’s the 4-1-1 on the horizon for D.A.D.I.?

Natasha: First, we are going to say, “No!” to school!

Tasha: Yeah, and spraypaint graffiti against the walls!

Natasha: And crash cars and scream at babies! We’re bad, man. So what?!

Tasha: Also, we are making a world tour to raise money so Yuri can buy a boat.

[pan to Yuri, shrugging]

[dissolve to stage]

Beertje: Yeah, man, that’s toxic!

Leonard: Uh, oh. All of this excitement is giving me the blues.

Beertje: Oh, no, Leonard! There he goes again! Everybody!

[a festive beat plays]

Leonard: [singing] “I got the blues.”

Both: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[Leonard continues alone]

Beertje: Hey, big ups to D.A.D.I.; you guys are so terribly outrageous.

Natasha: Bad girls, yeah!

Beertje: Peace.

[shot widens to reveal a person dancing in a bunny suit]

All: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[title: “CLUB TRAXX”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Written by: Joe Kelly

Mom…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]

Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..

[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

[ Mom nods ashamedly ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.

[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.

[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.

[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.

[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]

Mom: Mother (bleep)!!

Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..

[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.

[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]

Mom: Ahhhh!!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

The Sleepover

Rick…..Heratio Sanz
Kaitlin…..Amy Phoeler
Becky Bacharach…..Lindsay Lohan

(Kaitlin enters living room where Rick is sitting on the couch watching TV)

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! You gotta take it somewhere else! It’s my first sleepover Rick! I can’t have my step-dad hangin around.

Rick: I’m not going anywhere; it’s the Red Sox/Rangers game is on.

Kaitlin: Rick! Becky Bacharach is coming over. She’s the most popular girl in school, she’s coming over, cuz I told her that we had an indoor pool. I lied Rick! (In a singing tone) Cover for meeee! Cover for me Riiiiick!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, I will.

Kaitlin: Good cuz me and Becky are gonna become best friends, and then, and then, we’re gonna live in an apartment and we’re both gonna work at the same movie theater, and we’re gonna sing (gets up and demonstrates) “Thank you for coming to Loews! Sit back and relax – enjoy the show!”

(Doorbell rings)

Kaitlin: (Kaitlin runs around the couch) Oh Rick she’s here! She’s here Rick! She’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here!

Rick: (Rick gets up to answer the door) Alright! Alright!

(Becky enters the house with her sleepover gear)

Becky: (Hands Rick a piece of paper) Here’s my mom’s cell phone number. Ok, I’m totally here now, but if this sleep over gets boring at any point, I’m leaving.

Kaitlin: Ok, Rick, this is Becky. Becky, this is my step-dad Rick. Becky, what do you want to do first? Talk, watch TV, tell secrets, fashion show?—

Becky: Let me stop you right there. I know this is your first sleepover, but I’ve been to like literally thousands of them, and the first thing we do is compare sleeping bags and tell secrets. So, I present to you…My sleeping bag! It’s from Shrek 3 and Shrek 2 isn’t even out yet.

Kaitlin: Oh my God Rick! A sleeping bag from the future! Where’s my sleeping bag Rick? Rick, Rick, Rick where’s my sleeping bag? Where’s my sleeping bag Rick?

Rick: (Takes knitted blanket from couch) It’s right here. It’s a super duper Afghan sleeping bag. It’s got ventilation holes there for you.

Kaitlin: Oh this is awesome, cuz you can wear it like this, or you can look through it like this, or you can spy on people like this, or you can put your hand through it like this, or you can wrap it around you like this and be like “La la la la la la la…”

Becky: I’m bored! Let’s tell secrets. I’ll start. Karen McCarthy has B.O.

Kaitlin: I’m afraid of thunder.

Becky: David Alexander wears lip gloss.

Kaitlin: I split my pants on the balance beam.

Becky: Paige Hatchet doesn’t have a TV in her house.

Kaitlin: I had lice once.

Becky: You’re not supposed to tell secrets about yourself stupid.

Kaitlin: Oh, I know, cuz, I got one. One time Rick, Rick’s on disability, cuz one time, he was on the roof and he was drunk, and he slid off the roof and he was like “Woah-oah-oah-oah!” Rick, remember that Rick how you said you were on disability but really you were lying?!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, cool it.

Becky: I’m bored. Maybe I should call my mom.

Kaitlin: No! Wait! Music trivia! Music trivia! Who sings this? (Kaitlin gets up and dances while she sings) Amedus! Amedus! Amedus! Amedus!

(Becky mimics her in background)

Rick: Falco!

Kaitlin: (Poses with one leg up, elbow on knee and chin on fist) Rock me Amedus!

Becky: What song is this? (Sings while jumping up and down on the couch) Life style of the rich and the famous!…

Kaitlin: …Of the rich and the famous! Oh God I know that song, but I don’t know who sings it! Who sings it? What person or group Rick? (Sings) What person or group Rick, sings that song?! Rick Rick Rick! C’mon Rick!

Rick: I don’t know!

Becky: It’s Good Charlotte. They’re probably gonna sing at my birthday party, but we have to call my dad first.

Kaitlin: One time…Listen to this!…One time, on my birthday, I was at Wendy’s and I was eating, and I choked on a pickle and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I was like “I’ve never been to Disneyland; not yet Jesus.” And then I came to, and I barfed all over the Wendy’s and then they came out and the owner manager gave me a coupon for one free hamburger a year for life! Remember that Rick Rick Rick?!

Becky: Ok Kaitlin, I still might leave this sleepover, but I’ll stay if you know the answer to this question. (Pulls Kaitlin aside) Do you know how babies are made?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Becky: How are they made?

Kaitlin: You start.

Becky: Ok, you lay down, and the lights go out and then a boy pees on your bathing suit! Kaitlin, let’s go in your pool!

Kaitlin: Oh. My pool. Oh my pool…(Walks sideways over to Rick) Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick she wants to know about the pool.

Rick: Oh the pool’s closed for cleaning.

Becky: Well, can I see it? Where is it? It’s not in the basement is it?

Rick: Oh, you don’t need to see it. You know, it looks just like the one at your house, except MORE AWESOME.

Kaitlin: (Laughs in relief and whispers to Rick) Thank you Rick. Rick Rick Rick Rick! Awesome! It’s show time! Everybody get behind the couch! Let’s go! Rick introduce us!

Becky: Come on Rick!

Rick: It’s the Kaitlin and Becky Show.

Kaitlin: With special appearances by Raven Simone!

Becky: The Rock!

Kaitlin: Jamie Lynn Spears!

Becky: Denis Leary!

(Come from around the couch and bow and say thank you to the “audience”)

(Becky takes a beer and sings “Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous” into it while Kaitlin takes two and sings “Amedus” into both)

Rick: Alright, put the beers back. (Takes beers from the girls) Put the beers back. Cool out. Alright, you guys have a good night. Be cool.

Both Girls: Rick Rick!

Rick: Alright, it’s almost lights out alright! Have fun!

Becky: Rick, Rick, Riiick!

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick!

Becky: Thanks Rick!

Kaitlin: Hey Becky, can I ask you a question? Have you really been to over a thousand sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Is this your favorite one?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you sleepy?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you falling asleep?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you still awake?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you still having fun?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are your eyes closed?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Do you enjoy sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

(Fades)

Submitted by: Mia Velarde

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Hogwart’s Academy

Written by: Joe Kelly

Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwart’s Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters]

[dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]

Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?

Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!

Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?

[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]

Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.

Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm…

Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?

Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.

Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.

Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]

Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.

Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?

[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]

Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]

Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?

Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]

Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working!

[Fred and George come down the stairs]

Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?

George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.

Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?

Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?

George: How are you doing?

Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]

George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward]

[Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]

Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]

Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!

George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.

Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.

Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]

George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]

Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.

Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?

Fred and George: No.

Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!

Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.

Hermione: But it’s not working.

Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.

[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]

Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?

Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]

Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?

Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.

Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]

Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.

Ron: I’ll say.

[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]

Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.

[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]

Hermione: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Hello, kids!

Ron: Hagrid.

Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?

Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.

Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.

Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?

Hagrid: [pause] Nope.

Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]

Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?

Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsey Lohan
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
…..Chris Parnell
Hillary Duff…..Rachel Dratch
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you! Thanks guys! This is so weird! I cannot believe I’m hosting Saturday Night Live! I’m only 17 so this is insane! Anyway, you might know me as the girl from “Freaky Friday” or as the two girls from “The Parent Trap” when I was little.

(shows picture of Lindsay’s Parent Trap characters, “Hallie and Annie”

There I am! Of course, you might also know me from the pages of Us Weekly as the girl who’s always fighting with Hillary Duff. Yup.

(shows article of Lindsay and Hillary)

That’s me too. But Hillary and I are not mad at each other. W were in a fight because we both dated the same guy and the whole thing was very high school. But we’re both over it now, and to prove it, I invited Hillary Duff to be here with me tonight. So come on out, Hillary!

(Hillary comes out dressed in a pink outfit with a pink hat)

Hillary Duff: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live!

Lindsay Lohan: Umm..okay…anyway, I’m glad we’re clearing things up!

Hillary Duff: I agree, Lindsay. Our whole feud is so yesterday.

(breaks out into song)

“So Yesterday! So yesterday! I’m just a bird that’s already flown away!”

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, um, great. Hillary, I just wanted to say right to your face if I ever did anything to hurt your feelings then I’m sorry and I apologize.

Hillary Duff: Oh thanks, Lindsay. And if I ever sent out a mass email to everyone at the Disney corporation, saying that you are addicted to laxatives and your hair is a weave, then I’m sorry too.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! You did what?!

Hillary Duff: I’m so glad we made up! And listen! There’s someone else I’ve been feuding with, because I said she didn’t respect her fans. Avril Lavigne!

(Avril comes on with a white tank top and black pants)

Avril Lavigne: Yeah! F you, Duff!

(audience claps)

Shut up! Be quiet! Stop clapping! F you, Duff! F you, Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Me? What did I do?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t know what you did. I’m just mad! I’m like, bleah! Look at me! I’m wearing black nail polish! I’m a punk! Neah! Canada!

(audience claps again)

No! Be quiet!

Hillary Duff: Avril, I’m really really sorry for what I said about you! Do you accept my apology?

Avril Lavigne: I don’t and I won’t and I can’t and I won’t and I don’t!

Hillary Duff: Great!

Lindsay Lohan: Uh, Hillary? She said no. She doesn’t want to be friends with you! Whatever…

Avril Lavigne: Wait! I got something. I gotta apologize too. I was at the Grammy’s, and I was like, Neah! And she was like, Myeah! And I was like, Suck it, Whitney Houston! But now, I don’t even care so I want to apologize!

(Whitney comes on with a white suit and sunglasses)

Whitney Houston: That’s right! (waves at audience) Thank you! Thank you so very much! Avril Lavigne and Whitney Houston are no longer in a feud! Because I accept your apology and I in turn, would like to apologize to my husband, Mr. Bobby Brown! Woo! And the the nation of Is-rye-el. For showing up there, jacked out of my mind!

Lindsay Lohan: Great, so it’s settled! I’m not fighting with Hillary, Hillary’s not fighting with Avril, Avril’s not mad at Whitney, and Whitney Houston is not going to get high and go to Israel anymore. Whitney: That’s right!

(Chris Parnell enters)

Chris Parnell: Uh, excuse me, Ms. Houston? I think you owe me an apology!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, uh, what are you doing?

Chris Parnell: Uh, pardon me, Lindsay. Uh, Whitney, my name is Chris Parnell. Thank you. Let me be the first to explain to you that there is a code of ethics among celebrities, such as you and myself, that if we run into each other at LAX or La Guardia, we exchange pleasantries. I was on a flight with you a few months ago and I gave the customary head nod. (demonstrates the head nod) And you chose to ignore me!

Whitney Houston: Yes!

Chris Parnell: Now, I don’t know if you were thrown off by the fact that I was in coach and you were in first…

Whitney Houston: That’s right!

Chris Parnell: Okay, but I will not be treated with that kind of disrespect!

Whitney Houston: Woo!

Chris Parnell: I went to the North Carolina School of the Arts!

Whitney Houston: Amen!

Lindsay Lohan: Chris, relax. Relax.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry, Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan: It’s okay.

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry you had to see that. And um, Happy Birthday in advance. I know froma website that I frequent, you turn 18 in 63 days and 25 minutes.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks…

Avril Lavigne: Awww, man! F you! You’re gross, Parnell!

Chris Parnell: (to Hillary) When do you turn 18?

Hillary Duff: Never!

Lindsay Lohan: Ohmigod, this is going to get me into more trouble. We have a great show for you guys! Usher is here! So stick around and we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Lindsey B.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Goby…..Horatio Sanz
Skyler…..Lindsay Lohan
DJ Jonathon Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

(screen appears with Jarrets Room website and Jarret fixing the camera)

Jarret: What’s up guys, it’s me Jarret; how you doing. Coming to you live here at Hampton College; we’ve got a great show for tonight. Give it up for my house DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

(“Toxic” by Britney Spears begins playing as DJ Feinsten, dressed in a nude unitard with sparkles on it, dances inappropriately)

Jarret: Dude, dude that’s gross.

DJ Feinsten: Is it.

Jarret: Yeah it is.

DJ Feinsten: I agree.

(Jarret nods his add in confusion as he moves the camera)

Jarret: That was weird. Now give it up for my best friend and my roommate Goby.

(Goby walks in and places his face in front of the camera)

Goby: Domo we already got the weed smoking robot. Domo (turns head toward Jarret) Domo, Domo, Domo.

(Laughs while he sits down)

Jarret: What a minute; weed-smoking robot. What are you talking about?

Goby: I’m talking about my masterpiece. I’ve invented the world’s first weed smoking robot. I give you Smoketron 3000.

(A robot comes in smoking a weed cigarette.)

Jarret: Wow!

Smoketron 3000: Dude, I’m so totally baked right know. It’s not even funny.

Jarret: Dude, what possible use could anyone have with a weed smoking robot.

Goby: What do you mean, there’s tons. Check this out, robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Okay.

(Smoketron3000 continues smoking while Goby begins to laugh.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what?

Goby: I said, Robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Oh, got it.

(Smoketron 3000 begins leaving then turns around.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what.

(Jarret and Goby both laugh)

Goby: Awesome.

Jarret: Goby…

Goby: He’s like me.

Jarret: I know, I know. You can’t even use the telephone by yourself how did you invent a robot?

Goby: It was a total accident bro. I was trying to make a bomb out of my dad’s lawnmower.

Jarret: Of course.

Goby: Right, like I do every summer. Long story short, this is what I got.

(Both point toward Smoketron 3000 and laugh)

Goby: Pretty awesome right?

Jarret: I guess so yeah.

Jarret: It’s a sad day here at Jarret’s Room cause yesterday….

Goby: Why?

Jarret: Goby and I found out that after thirteen long years Hampton College is finally making us move off campus. Yeah..

Goby: Wait. We went to college.

Jarret: You know it really makes you think of all the great times we’ve had here…remember our first day in this room.

Goby: Yea, it was so long ago I remember it well. (begins rubbing chin as the screen dissolves)

(Screen plays video of what happened 15 seconds ago; starting from It’s a sad day here at Jarrets Room, ending at Wait we went to college.)

Goby: (continues rubbing chin as he begins to speak) Yes, so very long ago. I remember it well.

(Both begin laughing)

Jarret: That was like twenty seconds ago man.

Goby: Yea, it seemed like yesterday though.

Jarret: Maybe we should use my brain for flashbacks from now on…….Yea

Goby: Yea, we should.

Jarret: Okay good. Well since were moving out we had to figure out who would moving in next year after interviewing thousands of candidates I think we found her, please welcome Skyler.

(Jarret moves the camera to show Skyler coming in. Skyler then looks around as she sits down.)

Skyler: Wooow.

Jarret: So Skyler you psyched to move in….

Skyler: Dude, no way, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea. (with a confused face.)

Skyler: This room is awesome I wish I could live here.

Jarret: You are, remember I said you could move into my room.

Skyler: Oh yeah.

Jarret: Yeah, are you psyched.

Skyler: Dude, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea.

(Skyler continues looking around as Jarret continues to look frustrated. Goby is laughing hysterically.)

Skyler: Man, I wish I could live in a room like this one day.

Jarret: (With frustrated voice.) You are!

Goby: Ohh, brother.

(all begin to laugh.)

Skyler: Cool, do I get the robot dude too.

Jarret: Yeah sure,..

Goby: yeah sure, you know what you can take him he’s getting on my nerves. He’s always getting my stash.

(Jarret begins to touch the robot as it passes by.)

Smoketron 3000: Dudes I’m cashed can one of you smoke me out.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby laughs. Skyler hands Smoketron 3000 a weed cigarette.)

Skyler: I got a little.

Smoketron 3000: Awesome, wait are you a cop?

Skyler: Noooo.

Smoketron 3000: Cause’ legally you have to tell me if you are.

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: There’s no way I’m going back to jail.

Jarret: Wait, wait, wait your robot’s been to jail?

Goby: Yea dude. He’s on strike three. One more and they’re going to put him away for a long time.

Smoketron 3000: I aint gonna be nobody’s bitch.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby and Skyler laugh.)

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: Sweet.

(Jarret looks confused as Smoketron 3000 leaves the camera area.)

Jarret: You realize that robot’s only wasting your weed right.

Goby: Yea tell me about it, he never gets me back.

(robot comes back toward Jarret and Skyler.)

Smoketron 3000: Dude check this out this will freak your beans, what if I’m the human and you are the robot.

Jarret, Skyler and Goby: (Enthusiastcly) Wooaa

Smoketron 3000: Oh man I’m freaking out. I think this stuff was laced; I’ve gotta get outta here.

Goby: Robot, cool out.

(Smoketron 3000 begins going out of control as he begins rolling toward the window. A window cracking his heard.)

Smoketron 3000: (Said as he is falling out of the window.) I REGRET NOTHING!!!

(An object falling on a car is heard as the alarm begins to sound. Jarret looks at Goby confused as Skyler laughs.)

Skyler: That robot just totally jumped out that window!

Jarret: Wow.

Goby: (In a sad voice) He was a good dude.

Jarret: No he wasn’t a good dude he was a bad robot.

Goby: Yea, but still!

Jarret: Well that’s our show DJ Feinsten take us out!

(Jarret moves the camera toward DJ Feinsten as he does the same dance as the introduction. Camera then clicks out and shows a computer’s main screen.)

Submitted by: Roman Silva

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsey Lohan: Thanks to Usher, Ludicris, Lorne, the cast, the crew! Hair, make-up, my family! Amy, Tina, everybody here! Good night! Thank you so much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Debbie Downer

Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Brother 1…..Fred Armisen
Brother 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Dad…..Horatio Sanz
Sister 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]

Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I’ll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?

Brother 1: Well, we’re here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We’ve got the McKusick clan down from Ohio – right, guys? Say Hi!

Family: Hiiiii!!!!

Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey’s specials today – we’ve got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.

Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!

Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I’m not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to jingle montage ]

Jingle:
“You’re enjoying your day, everything’s gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please.”
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ zoom on Debbie’s sad face ]

[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]

Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don’t know about you guys, but the first I’m gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!

Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I’m totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!

Sister 2: Awww..

Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn’t doing as well as I first thought..

Sister 2: What? Who’s Roy?

Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?

Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!

Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!

Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! “Hola!” “Konnichiwa!” “Hi!”

Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?

[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]

Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive —

[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]

Debbie Downer: — that they may never know how many people perished.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]

Waiter: Who’s ready for Mickey waffles!

Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!

Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he’s coming over here!

Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!

[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]

Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I’m hugging Pluto! I’m at Disneyworld, and I’m hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!

[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]

Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children’s.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]

[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]

Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.

[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie’s statement ]

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]

[ Pluto runs off ]

Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?

Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he’s probably under the early stages of heatstroke.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face. . Rachel Dratch begins to crack up and covers her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of — [ cracks up ] Speaking of —

[ Amy Poehler has her head down and is laughing. Rachel Dratch is trying to stop laughing as she gets on with the rest of the sketch ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we’ll all be living underwater.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face which breaks because of her cracking up; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn’t work that well ]

Debbie Downer: By the way — [ cracks up ] By the way, it’s official — [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter; Jimmy Fallon is looking at her. Dratch’s voice breaks as she says the next line]: I can’t have children! [Jimmy Fallon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing]

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s face, which is distraught with laughter. At this point, everyone at the table is cracking up, except for Fred Armisen, who is just smiling to keep from laughing ]

Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne — [ cracks up in the middle of her anger, then composes herself quickly as Horatio Sanz is wiping his tears of laughter with a Mickey Mouse waffle ] I didn’t say a word during It’s A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on — [ cracks up again, tries to sit down, but gets back up and finishes the line ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!

Debbie Downer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Sister #1: I can’t take this! [leaves in a huff

Debbie Downer: So, after this, we’ll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I’m flirting with a melanoma.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tries to hold her breath to keep from laughing ]

[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]

Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I’ll meet you at my favorite ride – the Hall of Presidents.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Jingle: “But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

9/11 Briefing

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ SUPER: “Old Executive Office Building: Thursday, April 28, 2004: 7:48 am” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President Cheney drinking from a cup of coffee ]

[ President Bush enters ]

President George W. Bush: Knock knock.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, good morning, Mr. President. Some coffee?

President George W. Bush: No. I’m good. [ holds up a Big Gulp ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. [ they sit ] You, uh.. you ready for our interview with the 9/11 commission?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I’m feeling great! I’m gonna ace this baby, estch!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’m glad to hear you’re so confident. Now.. Mr. President, we’re gonna have you answer the majority of the questions, so that people know that you’re in charge.

President George W. Bush: [ eating a muffin ] Mmm mmm.. I’m George W. Bush, and I approve this muffin.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, Mr. President. Let’s just go over the signals we worked out, in case you can’t remember what to say.

President George W. Bush: Oh, forget the signals. I’m not scared of this commission. I’m ready for their questions! You see, people underestimate me – they think I’m dumb!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Th-th-they think you’re like Rain Man.. without the math skills?

President George W. Bush: Exactly! But I’m smarter than that. I’m also an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Even so, if you don’t mind I’d like to go over your.. testimony one more time, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Fine! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay. Here we go. “After leaving Florida, why was Air Force One sent to Omaha rather than returning to Washington?”

President George W. Bush: Uhhhh.. let’s see.. [ clears throat ] “It was a, uh.. [ looks on his hand ] ..stop-gap precautionary measure. Until we had., uh.. fully assessed the threat level.. in and around the White.. House.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: That’s good.

President George W. Bush: [ proudly ] Yeah, I got it written on my hand here! [ laughs ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I noticed that. Okay, next, uh.. “What actions, if any, were taken on the day you received the PDB regarding bin Laden’s threat of attack within the United States?”

President George W. Bush: I was hoping that one wasn’t gonna be on the quiz.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well, I’m sure they’re gonna ask that question.

President George W. Bush: Alright, don’t worry.. don’t worry. Piece of cake. [ brief pause ] “Mr. Commissioner.. that’s a very good question, and I’ll tell you what I did after receiving that alarming information. [ pulls up his pants leg, reading from his leg ] A general alert.. was sent out.. to all.. law enforcement agencies –“

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President.. Mr. President.. okay, okay.. let me just stop you right there. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with that.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, you’re right – too much leg sweat, words get all smudgy.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. Let’s focus on something else. What if they ask you about.. integrating the intelligence-gathering branches of the federal government?

President George W. Bush: [ closes his eyes deep in thought ] I will be reassuring. I will seek to put their minds at ease. I will say, “Gentlemen, I have good news.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good news?

President George W. Bush: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. ‘Cause I’m an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Please.. please don’t say that..

President George W. Bush: What? It’s an icebreaker!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President.. you didn’t read any of the notes I made for you, did you?

President George W. Bush: I thought we laid this down on Day One – I’m not gonna be reading anything.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uh.. Mr. President, the commission’s gonna be in the Oval Office within the hour. Do you think you’re prepared to sit ofr nearly four hours of questioning?

President George W. Bush: [ sipping his Big Gulp ] In a row?!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. In a row. Mr. President, you’ve got to remember that body language is gonna be very important.

President George W. Bush: Oh, don’t worry, Dick – I’ve been working on it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about national security, you want to appear confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about the FBI – thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: If they ask you about funds diverted from Afghanistan – nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright, let’s go through it one more time. Confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

President George W. Bush: I got this body language thing down, I’m in control! Ask me anything! Come on!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. “Mr. President, was the invasion of Iraq something you had planned from the very moment you took office?”

[ Bush wraps one leg around the other, and buries his face in his hands ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Excuse me. Sir, you’re gonna have to say something. Sir! Say something!

President George W. Bush: [ lowers his hands from his face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts