SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Andrew Card…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and General Richard Meyers made a surprise visit to Abu Gharib prison in Iraq on Thursday with a message for US troops. That message: “Get me all your digital cameras now, you idiots!” The Iraqi prison abuse scandal continues to grow and President Bush seems content to maintain the status quo, recently telling the embattled Rumsfeld that he was, “doing a superb job.” Keep in mind; he also thought Cuba Gooding Jr. did a superb job in that movie where he played the retarded football player. It begs the question: Does the Bush administration have a bucket big enough to bail the water out of this sinking ship, or what? With us today is White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

Andrew Card: Great to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I didn’t ask. Mr. Card, how is Bush going to get himself out of this mess?

Andrew Card: Well first of all, I wouldn’t exactly call it a “mess”.

Chris Matthews: You got to be kidding me, those photos make the prison from Oz look like Hogan’s Heroes.

Andrew Card: Chris, we like to think of this prison abuse scandal as a temporary and almost invisible blemish on what is otherwise, the most flawless presidency in American history.

Chris Matthews: Wow, people have said a lot of wrong things on this show but that might be the wrongest.

Andrew Card: Look Chris, here are the facts: George Bush has never made an incorrect decision. Not one. He is adorable, and charming, and he has a beautiful alto singing voice. The man can tear a phone book in half. And I’ve seen him pull a locomotive with his teeth. These are facts, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Man, oh man. You didn’t just drink the Kool-Aid, you went back for seconds. Joining us now to talk about how all this affects his campaign: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry.

John Kerry: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Nice work Kerry, zero to boring in 1.8 seconds. Senator, the Bush administration is clearly suffering from the scandal, how do you plan to address this?

John Kerry: Actually Chris, I’m not going to say anything.

Chris Matthews: Taking the high road, huh, not gonna talk about the scandal?

John Kerry: No, I’m not going to say anything; at all; about anything. See Chris, whenever I talk, my approval rating plummets. When I shut my mouth, and just let Bush screw up, people love me. I’ve realized something very important, Chris: I am incredibly looong-winded.

Chris Matthews: You’re kiddin’.

John Kerry: No, no I’m not. I’m serious. My advisor alerted me to this problem, I spent the next several hours explaining how they were mistaken. Then they said “see, that’s exactly what we were talking about.” Well, four hours and forty-five minutes later, I think they saw my side of things.

[Matthews is caught tying a noose around his neck, he takes it off when John Kerry stops talking]

Chris Matthews: Oh, thank God you’re done. And not a minute too soon.

John Kerry: Don’t worry about it. Happens to me all the time. The point is, I believe I am the medicine this country needs. Unfortunately, that medicine is NyQuill. But think of it this way, I’m the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest candidate.

Chris Matthews: Good gravy, I’ve seen more natural looking smiles on pumpkins.

Andrew Card: Can I say something, Chris. If you want to see a beautiful smile, look no further than George W. Bush. He’s never had a cavity, and his breath always smells like a sweet breeze blowing through an orchard of gumdrop trees on the banks of a lemonade stream.

Chris Matthews: Hey Card, when you had your brain washed did you have it waxed too?

[Card nods, laughing]

Chris Matthews: Senator Kerry, if you’re not gonna talk at all then how are you gonna get your message across?

John Kerry: It’s a good question, Chris. I’ll do it through my vice president.

Chris Matthews: So you’ve finally chosen?

John Kerry: Nope, but I think I’ve found my man, you see, people want to vote for me, but they don’t like me. So I went out and got the guy that people like, but don’t want to vote for. It’s my pleasure to introduce, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Sharpton makes gestures with his hand as he talks]

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’m outraged.

[Matthews shakes his head back and forth and sighs]

Chris Matthews: Why are you outraged, John Kerry is considering you as his potential running mate?

Al Sharpton: I know, that’s just how I say hello these days. I’m outraged, John, nice weather, what have you.

John Kerry: Huh, huh, hello Al.

Chris Matthews: Reverend Sharpton, you had a little trouble with the Federal Election Commission yesterday. They claimed you overspent $100,000 on your ‘campaign’. How do you respond?

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’ll say what I always say in situations like this. I am good for the money. I have a big eBay auction coming up for my old medallion collection.

[Holds up assorted medallions]

Al Sharpton: That’s right. No reserves, just serious bidders only. Hell, if these elections dudes want to come and take these medallions straight up, I’ll do that, and call it a day.

John Kerry: Al, we should talk about this. Don’t throw away your medals. Coming from a guy who knows.

Chris Matthews: Good Lord, when we come back Al Sharpton’s gonna outline his plan to raise cab fare back to his apartment, and Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Zack Arnson-Serotta

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Goodnights

…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate Olsen: Thanks to —

Together: J-Kwon!!

[ J-Kwon shamelessly wraps his arm around Ashley and holds up his CD for the camera ]

Ashley Olsen: And the cast and crew!

Mary-Kate Olsen: And, remember – we’re legal in four weeks!

[ J-Kwon seems especially pleased to hear that, as the credits roll. ]

[ Jimmy Fallon grabs a camera on the side of the stage, and rubs his mouth on it. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 15th, 2004

Mary-Kate Olsen

Ashley Olsen

J-Kwon

None

None HardballSummary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers) lets Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) speak on his behalf.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, John Kerry, Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Montage

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon and Will Forte make it up to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for missing their prom to host SNL.

Bio: Twin sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (1986-) became entrepreneurial forces in Hollywood while still toddlers on the long-running sitcom, “Full House.”

Transcript

Paparazzi PhotographersSummary: Paparazzi photographers (Amy Poehler, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen) bother celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Paparazzi Photographer.

Transcript

Mary-Kate & Ashley PerfumeSummary: The perfume that fits your mood, whether you’re an Ashley or a Mary-Kate.

Transcript

Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) knocks “New York Minute”, then pretends that guests Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen are farting.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

The SwanSummary: Amber (Amy Poehler), the one-legged hypoglycemic, acts nasty during a makeover.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

Transcript

J-Kwon performs “Tipsy”Bio: J-Kwon (1986-) is a rapper from St. Louis.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon gives his gay review of “Troy.” Contractor Costas Popakanstantis (Horatio Sanz) hasn’t completed construction of the Summer Olympics stadium.

Note: Jimmy Fallon’s final appearance as co-anchor of “Weekend Update.”

Transcript

Pat & Patti’s Backpack ShackSummary: Crazy accents and an overabundance of rhymes dominates the Backpack Shack.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sylviac, Patti Sylviac.

Access HollywoodSummary: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen introduce their triplet, Betty Faye Olsen (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Wayne (Chris Parnell) and Kip Bloder (Jimmy Fallon) meet the Paulson Twins (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) in a bar, oblivious to the fact that they first tried to pick them up in a roller rink while teenagers (Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen).

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

Camcorder DadSummary: Family members object when Dad (Chris Parnell) films their indoor barbecue.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Recurring Characters: This film was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week’s Snoop Dogg episode.

Summer NightsSummary: Members of the cast sing summer songs to commemorate the end of the season, then get excited when Jimmy Fallon shows up to launch a “Grease” parody as his farewell.

Note: Though Jimmy Fallon had decided for some time that he would leave at the end of this season, he didn’t officially confirm the news until the day before the season finale.

Note: Because the show was running long, J-Kwon’s second song was cut in order to make room for Jimmy Fallon’s farewell sketch.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Wake Up WakefieldRecurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.

Coco & Natsui Super ShowRecurring Characters: Coco, Natsui.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Rachel Dratch…..Lyndie England
Darrell Hammond…..Bill Clinton

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Well first things first, it’s a … [picture of prisoners on top of each other naked] it’s a good thing there’s no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen. Defense secretary – oh sure, Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld facing growing demands that he resign or be fired, apologized to congress Friday for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said “I take full responsibility. This happened on my watch; I feel terrible.” He went on to add, “My heart goes out, yada yada yada, you had me in hello, blah blah blah, I’m a genius, you’re all morons – You can’t handle the truth. Can I go now? Eehhhhhh…

Jimmy Fallon: A new article in “Vanity Fair” says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, “My Life,” in time for his deadline. It’s not really surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.

Tina Fey: And now it’s time for Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week”…

Jimmy Fallon: She hails from a trailer home in Ashby, West Virginia. After a brief marriage at 19, and a job working at a chicken processing plant, she decided to become a soldier.

Tina Fey: When she’s not disgracing her country in ways that will have international repercussions for decades, she enjoys smoking and getting pregnant in military jail. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week,” private first class, Lyndie England.

[Lyndie England comes out posing as in the pictures]

Congratulations, Lyndie. Here’s your box of Virginia slims.

Lyndie England: Ha-ha. This is for all the dirtbags that came before me, Tonya Harding, Alien Warnos, Amy Fisher, uhh Anna Nicole Smith, uhh who else, Roseanne, Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, get out.

Tina Fey: Get out, get out, dirtbag.

Jimmy Fallon: Lyndie England, everybody.

Tina Fey: You are a dirtbag. Ruining it for everybody.

Sad news out of New York this week, after a Manhattan couple was arrested for child neglect. The couple shown here, [Picture of Ross and Rachel from “Friends”] spent 4 days working out their relationship in a local coffee shop, without once checking in on their 2-year old daughter. They’re sad.

Al Gore announced Tuesday that he plans to launch a 24-hour cable news network for young adults. Gore claims that he’s been wanting to do this since he invented cable TV in the mid 1990s. Gore said that he wants the network to be irreverent and bold, which is why he’s called it, [Gore voice] “The Young Adults Real Time Factual Information Distribution Channel.” Ehhh…

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush boarded a bus for a campaign tour across southern Michigan. The president remarked that the bus seemed alot bigger than the one he remembered from school.

An Austrian man is hoping to make it into the record books this week by jumping off a hot air balloon, 6 miles above the earth, and paragliding back down. The record? World’s deadest man.

Tina Fey: Political analysts are asking how the Iraqi prisoner scandal will affect the presidency of George W. Bush. Here with a comment is our dear friend and political correspondent, former president Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Thank You. Thank you all, and thank you especially Tina. You look stunning.

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Bill Clinton: Did you do something to your hair?

Tina Fey: Uh, yes, I blew it straight.

Bill Clinton: I bet you did. What’s up J-bones?

Jimmy Fallon: How’s it going, dog? Good to see ya, man. How are you doing?

Bill Clinton: Oh, you know, just chillin’. You know how we do.

Tina Fey: Now Mr. President, what exactly does this scandal mean for President Bush and the members of his administration?

Bill Clinton: That’s an excellent question, Tina. When I first heard about these charges of abuse, I was outraged. Prisoners being forced into a naked human pyramid is one of the most degrading things imaginable. Ordinarily, I have no problem with naked pyramids. I myself, have participated in literally thousands of them. You can read more about that in my forthcoming book. Specifically chapter 16, “Naked Human Pyramids.” But this one is simply unacceptable. So the question remains, who in the administration will ultimately be held responsible?President Bush? Not likely. Blaming President Bush for this would be like blaming the San Diego chicken when the Padres lose. He’s not running the team, he’s just a big furry mascot. Donald Rumsfeld? Yeah, right. You think Bush is gonna fire Rumsfeld? That be like Paula Abdul trying to fire Simon Cowell. [Gives a thumbs up] By the way, I’m rooting for you, Fantasia. You know who is gonna get the blame for this? Me. They blame me for everything. I didn’t tell them about Osama, the economy tanked because of me. Why did Ben and J-Lo break up? Because of me. Actually, that one WAS because of me. Yeah, somehow they’ll find a way to blame this on Willy Jeff Clinton, but I’m ready. If I have to testify, I’ve got some all new slippery lines I want to try out. For example, “I do not recall what happened that night, because .. I .. was .. stoned.” Bring it on, Bush administration. This time, I’m ready.

Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that New York mayor, Mike Bloomberg’s private jet will be outfitted with a state-of-the-art anti-missle defense system. So apparently, peace talks with New Jersey have stalled.

Tina Fey: It has been announced that Pay-Per-View plans to air Playgirl-TV: the first erotic TV channel designed for women, watched by gay men.

It was reported that at the White House correspondence dinner last Saturday, a middle-aged woman flashed her breasts at Ben Affleck and shouted “You are f-ing gorgeous!” Proving once again, that Ann Coulter cannot hold her cocaine.

Jimmy Fallon: For the second consecutive year, Syracuse won the Golden Snowball. A trophy given to the snowiest upstate city in the snowbelt. The trophy was carried through the city with pride by local idiots.

It was reported that police have seized 2 pairs of Michael Jackson’s underpants to determine whether stains found on the pop star’s mattress came from him or boys with whom he shared his bed. Once examined, the underpants will be used by David Gest to make tea.

Tina Fey: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call that woman who pushed you out of her vagina, and take her out for some pancakes.

And now, with some thoughts on Mother’s Day, is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina. [holding guitar] You know, Mother’s Day is really special to me, and I wrote a few songs to show how special it is.

Tina Fey: Ugh, really, again?

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Tina Fey: You’re going to do the song parodies again?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I haven’t don’t them all year.

Tina Fey: Yeah but you’ve been doing ’em for sooo long.

Jimmy Fallon: I’ve only done them like 5 times or something.

Tina Fey: Wait, wait. What? You have been doing it for-ev-er. And you’ll see, because I put together this montage to show you in case you tried to do this again. Watch this.

[From Salma Hayek Update, 3-15-03, “2003 St. Patrick’s Day Songs”]

Tina Fey: Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“St. Patrick’s day, I think its wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness beer…”

[From Ben Stiller Update, 10-24-98, “1998 Halloween Songs”]

Colin Quinn: And now, with some thoughts on trick or treating: Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“Thank you, Mike ‘n’ Ike
Thank you, Candy Corn
Thank you, thank you, Smarties…”

[Weekend Update “1993 Bastille Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Kevin Nealon. I really love Bastille Day. Everytime I’m here I’m like…Ohh, I, I love Bastille Day

“I want it to stay Bastille Day
day-ay-ay-yeah yeah yeah… “

[Weekend Update “1985 ?????”]

[Jumping and kicking happily]

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“Doo do dooo …
woah woah, yeah …”

[Weekend Update “1980 Arbor Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Charles Rocket. Well, it’s Arbor Day again, my favorite holiday of all time. Sing fast, its Arbor Day.

“I’d like to plant this tree
Even though it makes me happy,
It still depresses me
Trees..do..die, Trees do die… “

[Weekend Update “1975, Thanksgiving Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chevy. Can you believe it’s Thanksgiving already? I was listening to President Gerald Ford yesterday, and it made me very thankful.

“Whenever I see a turkey stuffed,
I want to stuff myself
Because I love turkey
Yes I do
Cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie…”

[“1958 Flag Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Mr. Cronkite. Hey kids, it’s Flag Day!

“Well, well, well I look at the flag, and be awing you,
I’m looking at you and I think you’re cute,
Flag day, you got me waving
For Alaska, and Hawaii,
Flag day.”

[Applause]

[back to Update set]

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, so?

Tina Fey: Yeah, so this isn’t about Mother’s Day, you just want to sing, and blow smoke.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I just love my mother, you know. Mother’s are really special to me –

Tina Fey: [annoyed] Ughhh, just sing.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, thanks. [Hands Tina a white cap] Here, you wear this.

[Jimmy puts on white cap. Usher’s “Yeah” begins playing. Jimmy and Tina begin dancing]

“Tina, don’t be so ridiculous
Your momma was the girl that put you on the bus
Moms are the best, this is what I said
Toast my Eggos in the morning, and she makes my bed

Mother’s day
Happy Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day

Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon got the beat to make your momma go whack

Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon is about to have a heart attack.”

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Both dancing]

[Fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Scheinwald Pictures

Abe Scheinwald….Rachel Dratch
Brad Scheinwald….Seth Meyers
Night Terrors….Snopp Dogg

(Opens with the Scheinwald Pictures building. Cut to an office, Brad Scheinwald is a yuppie movie exec, he´s talking with a pimp-looking, gold chain-wearing black guy)

Night Terrors: What I like most about my screenplay “Booty Hotel”, other than the fact that every room in the hotel has a different booty, is its heart. It has a lot of heart.

Brad Scheinwald: I´m gonna be straight with you, Night Terrors — “Booty Hotel” isn´t really our kind of movie.

Night Terrors: But every room in the hotel has a different kind of booty!

Brad Scheinwald: Yeah, you made that very clear. The thing is that Scheinwald Studios is trying to move into a new direction towards more intellectual material.

Night Terrors: You want intellectual? One room has, check it, librarian booty.

Brad Scheinwald: Right, yeah. We´re still going to pass.

(Abe Scheinwald walks into the room eating potato salad and wearing a tuxedo. He´s a short, balding, white haired man with big thick black eyeglasses. He also has a script in his hand.)

Abe Scheinwald: Who wants to make a picture?! (Brad groans) Kiddo! I just found our next moneymaker!! (throws script on the table) Someone left this script in the crapper. “Booty Hotel”! It´s brilliant!! (sits)

Night Terrors: You read my script?

Abe Scheinwald: I read it twice. Nothing was moving down there.

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, this gentleman was just leaving.

Abe Scheinwald: No one leaves here unless I say so! (bangs fist into table) I´m Abe Scheinwald! I was making movies while you were still swimming in your dad´s sac!

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, Grandpa.

Abe Scheinwald: Who are you?

Night Terrors: The name is Night Terrors.

Abe Scheinwald: Night Terrors? Farkatke name. Great script, but a farkatke name!

Night Terrors: I like you, weird old dude. You´re like that old muppet that be hanging in the balcony criticizing people.

Abe Scheinwald: Pleasure to meet you. I´m Abe Scheinwald and I make motion pictures. (shakes hands with Night Terrors, sits)

Brad Scheinwald: My grandpa retired from the biz 11 years ago, but still manages to pop in about 5 days a week, about 8 hours a day. I thought you had a doctor´s appointment.

Abe Scheinwald: Feh! What do I need from doctors? Turn your head and cough? No, thanks. I gave at the office. Night Terrors, I´m ready to green light but I have one tiny problem with your script. Can I make a suggestion?

Night Terrors: Most definitely.

Abe Scheinwald: Your hotel is now a boat. “Booty Boat”! Why? More bikinis.

Brad Scheinwald: (disappointed) Great.

Night Terrors: That right there is brilliant. Because some of the bikini stuff did seem a bit shoehorned, but, you know, this movie ain´t just about big, juicy rear shelves. No, sir. It’s about heart and big thick legs and bumpin´ta-tas.

Brad Scheinwald: Pops, I thought Scheinwald Studios was now moving more toward Award-winning fare and, you know, get away from, you know, bumpin´ta-tas.

Abe Scheinwald: Since when do you decide what interests us? (to Night Terrors) This one wanted me to make a movie about a kid at school who had magical powers. I said I liked it better the first time, when it was called “Teen Wolf”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “Harry Potter”. We passed on “Harry Potter”.

(Abe gives a thumbs down and blows a few raspberries. Keeps eating potato salad)

Abe Scheinwald: Now, who do you see in the role of Party Ho Number Two?

Night Terrors: Well, there´s only two choices. Halle Berry, or my sister´s friend Dartrella. She´s always telling me to stop hanging around the nail shop. But I bet if I put her in a movie, she´d drop all that attitude.

Abe Scheinwald: You know, the receptionist over at my foot doctor´s would make a good fit, too. She hasn´t got a lot of experience, but I bet she takes her top off for snail!

(Seth ad-libs, aware of Rachel´s word mistake)

Brad Scheinwald: For what?

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel cracks up a little) I´m sorry. For scale!

Brad Scheinwald: Just promise me — yeah, I understand…

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel ad-libs) It’s the business! (eats potato salad)

Brad Scheinwald: I´m in the business — just promise me neither of you will never compromise, guys.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, okay. These robots — would there be real robots, or actresses in costumes? I´m leaning towards the latter.

Night Terrors: Yo´, then we got a problem because I won´t compromise. This story is based on my life. They got to be real robots.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah, Night Terrors, you got to trust me. I´ve produced over 51 motion pictures! (pounds on table)

Brad Scheinwald: Just say 52.

Abe Scheinwald: Such as “Great American Panty Raid”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! That´s a good film.

Abe Scheinwald: “Bikini Hospital”!

Night Terrors: Classic.

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape To Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: One of a kind!

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape From Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! Top shelf!

Abe Scheinwald: “Pardon Me Ma´am: You´re Stepping On My Ding-Dong”!

Night Terrors: You brought new life to a sagging franchise.

Abe Scheinwald: Not to mention some of the most beloved black-themed movies of the 70´s. Such as “Bride of Blackenstein”! “Whitey and Cinnamon: Attorneys At Law”!

Brad Scheinwald: Lawyers…

Abe Scheinwald: And “It Came From Outer Space And It was Black”!

Night Terrors: My people — I tell you, my people owe you a debt of gratitude.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, are we on the same page?

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, I believe you and I are completely in tune. Clearly, you understand the power of double-D breasts. Because we both know that if you get a girl with double-D´s, then you will double these. (takes out a dollar bill)

Abe Scheinwald: Double D´s, double these… (looks at Brad for confirmation)

Brad Scheinwald: (defeated) Double D´s, double these…

Abe Scheinwald: Ha, ha, ha! Finally, he comes around! I was losing hope with this one. He wanted me to make a movie about a scientist and his crazy experiments. I said, I liked it better the first time when it was called “The Nutty Professor”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “A Beautiful Mind”. We passed on “A Beautiful Mind”.

Abe Scheinwald: Pfffffttt!! (gives a thumbs down)

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, this is a dream come true.

Abe Scheinwald: Ha-ha! Let´s make a picture! (shakes hands with Night Terrors)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Snoop’s Mother’s Day Message

… Snoop Dogg

[Card, illustrated with a flower, reads: Mother’s DayMESSAGE FROM SNOOP DOGG]

Don Pardo V/O: [reverent] And now a Mother’sDay message from Snoop Dogg.

[Dissolve to and slowly zoom in on actor-rapper SnoopDogg seated at Home Base in a huge wicker chair,surrounded by huge arrangements of flowers. He wearsan amber-brown fedora hat and a creamy pink suit andholds a long-stemmed red rose as he addresses thecamera in a gentle, cadenced voice. Mellow piano musicplays underneath.]

Snoop Dogg: Mom, you’re my number one girl, asoft place to fall.
When the world has betrayed me, you’re the first one Icall.

I’m your little peanut … my devotion is true.
And I know that you love me – ’cause I came out ofyou.

You huffed and you puffed and you pushed the Snoopout.
And, for all that pushin’, I’ll give you a shoutout.

‘Cause I’m a tall ass mo-fo and even back then,
When I was a baby, I was, like, four foot ten.

And because I was skinny, so tall and so lean,
It was like you delivered a giant string bean.

So thank you for lettin’ me come out o’ you.
Why don’t you go make your baby some Dinty Moorestew?

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you.

And to all the moms out there:

[winks] What up, ladies? You lookin’ realgood.

[Snoop smiles and spreads his arms quizzically as wezoom back out. The crowd responds warmly. Dissolve toa stylish bumper photo of an elegant Snoop, headbowed, as he touches the brim of his black hat, awhite coat draped over his shoulders.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

TV Funhouse

[open on black and white image of marijuana leaf with title: “Pothead Theater”]

Announcer: Pothead Theater! [title is removed, and small images of clips from many different programs move from left to right across the screen] For centuries, man has designed cartoons with no regard for the inclinations of the pothead. Tonight, for the first time, TV Funhouse allows potheads to determine the cartoons they want to enjoy on Pothead Theater!

[dissolve Pothead #1, wearing a yellow shirt that reads, “Farmer’s Daugheter Motel,” in a large paved area with people in the background]

Pothead #1: I’d like to see a dog walking people.

[dissolve to animation: a dog stands upright and escorts a leashed man and woman walking on all fours]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #1, who is laughing hysterically]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #2, sitting by a tree and with a guitar next to him]

Pothead #2: How about a fish catching people? [flashes hippie love sign]

[dissolve to animation: a green fish sits on a pier with a fishing pole, and lifts it up to reveal a man hooked by his mouth]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #2, who chuckles and flashes love sign again]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #3, sitting in a field]

Pothead #3: Have ketchup shaking people out of a bottle.

[dissolve to animation: a large blob of ketchup smacks the bottom of a ketchup bottle filled with people, until several plop out onto a plate]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #3, who is laughing hysterically]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #4, wearing a black shirt that reads, “Don’t Steal,” and Pothead #5, wearing a grey shirt that reads, “Almost Famous,” standing near a park of some sort]

Pothead #4: Have balloon animals twist people. [Pothead #5 laughs]

[dissolve to animation: a red balloon dog twists a man into the same dog shape]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #4 and Pothead #5, who are laughing hysterically]

Pothead #4: Thank you! Thank you!

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to female pothead, wearing messenger bag and in same setting as Pothead #1]

Female Pothead: How about one with the environment exploiting people.

[dissolve to animation: a deciduous tree operates a conveyor belt as people on it pass through a machine and are turned into small objects that an evergreen tree places into a box]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to female pothead, who cackles and covers her mouth]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

[dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, wearing hats and sitting in paved amphitheatre]

Pothead #6: You could have TVs watching people.

[dissolve to animation: a television set sits on a small wooden stand while a man sits on an easy chair, and they face each other across a room; it is indistinguishable from a man watching television]

[pleasant music plays]

[music stops]

[dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, who have no reaction]

[dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

Announcer: Pothead Theater!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Rumsfeld Resigns

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush speaking with Donald Rumsfeld as Condoleeza Rice watches ]

President George W. Bush: Donald.. I thought you did real good testifying in front of the committee yesterday. I thought you really stuck it to them. Especially that old guy with the big head!

Donald Rumsfeld: You’re talking about Ted Kennedy?

President George W. Bush: Yeah. That guy!

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I appreciate that, but, uh.. I also see the writing on the wall. The American people want me to go. And you yourself got pretty mad at me. So.. maybe it’s time.. I should go. I don’t want to miss my plane. I just want you to know.. I’ll never forget all that we had.

President George W. Bush: Neither will I.

[ they hug ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, now I really do need to go. I’m off to a NATO conference. In Paris. Au revoir.

[ Rumsfeld exits the Oval Office ]

Condoleeza Rice: So.. you just let him go, sir.

President George W. Bush: Yes, I did, Condi.

Condoleeza Rice: Well.. maybe it’s for the best, sir. A lot of people were calling for his resignation. Maybe, politically, it’s better for you. You know, you two need to be away from each other, and.. maybe you can finally.. get over him.

President George W. Bush: It’s true. Except.. I don’t want to get over him.

Condoleeza Rice: You’re going to go after him, sir? [ excited ] My taxi’s outside! I’ll drive you to the airport!

[ “Friends” theme plays as we dissolve to nighttime exterior shot of the White House ]

[ dissolve back to interior, Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: [ re-enters ] I’m going to check my messages here.

[ Bush presses button on answering machine, as the tape rewinds and begins to play ]

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President. Hi. It’s me. And I just got on the plane. I just feel awful. And that is so not how I wanted things to end with us. Now I’m just sitting here, and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t, and I.. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to tell you that I love you, too! Because, of course I do – I love you, I.. I love you. I love you. [ a beat ] What am I doing? I love you! I’ve gotta see you, I’ve gotta get off this plane..

President George W. Bush: [ excited, jumps to his feet ] Oh, my God!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Excuse me..

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. Please, sit down.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: No, I’m sorry. I’m the Secretary of Defense, and I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to just tell someone that I love him!

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. I can’t let you off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ screaming ] Let him off the plane!!

Voice of Flight Attendant: I’m afraid you’re going to have to take your seat.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Please, Miss, you don’t understand..

President George W. Bush: Try to understand!!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, come on, Miss! Isn’t there any way that you can just let me off this —

[ machine beeps, message over ]

President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did he get off the plane?! Did he get off the plane?!

[ cut to Rumsfeld standing in the door frame ]

Donald Rumsfeld: I got off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ tense excitement fills his face ] You got off the plane.

[ they slowly walk toward one another, hug, then open-mouth kiss ]

Donald Rumsfeld: My God.. I do love you.

President George W. Bush: I love you, too.

Donald Rumsfeld: Good! Because this is where I want to be.

President George W. Bush: Oh my God, I’m sorry I got mad at you.. I will never fire you. I-I-I don’t care if you never told me about those pictures.. I-I-I-I.. or all the other stuff happening in Iraq! I don’t want to know anything about Iraq! I hate that place!

Donald Rumsfeld: Don’t you worry – I’ll make sure you know absolutely nothing from now on.

President George W. Bush: Oh, Mr. Secretary.. friends for life?

Donald Rumsfeld: Friends for life. But I do have one more thing that I have to tell you.

President George W. Bush: Ohhh.. you’re not gonna write a book, are ya’?

Donald Rumsfeld: No. It’s worse than that. [ turns to face the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ as Forte moves in for an impromptu kiss, making Hammond laugh as he speaks ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Show Biz Grande Explosion

Fericito….Fred Armisen
Manuel Pantalones….Horatio Sanz
…..Snoop Dogg

(Opens with the Univision logo. Mariachi music plays)

Caption: Univision en English.

(Show Biz Grande Explosion logo. Manuel is dressed like a mariachi, holds a guitar, sits on a stool)

Manuel Pantalones: Chicos y cucarachas! Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! And here´s your host, on loan from the funny farm, Fe-e-e-ericito!

(Venezuelan comic Fericito has a loud burgundy suit, a golden tooth and comes out banging on his drumsticks, audience applauds to the rhythm of the sticks banging. Fericito plays wildly on his timbales set then stops)

Fericito: (heavy Latin accent) Did you feel it?!(audience cheers)I said, did you feel it?! (audience cheers) Welcome to my show. Now is time for my comedy monologue. Here´s my first joke. Did you hear they confiscated Michael Jackson underwear? You know what kind it is? Fruit of the “loony” (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: And then this guy fired his lawyer and got a new one. Do you know who he should get? Omarosa! (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: (laughs) Omarosa! That´s great!

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know who Omarosa is?

Manuel Pantalones: Um, lawyer?

Fericito: Manuel, you´re fired!

Manuel Pantalones: (sad) Ok. (gets off his stool)

Fericito: No, Manuel. Its from “The Apprentice”. Its a joke!

Manuel Pantalones: I don´t get it.

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb…

Manuel Pantalones: (sits back down) How dumb am I?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb the only thing he ever passed was a kidney “estone”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Actually I didn´t pass it. The doctors dissolved it…

Fericito: Manuel, come on! Give it up for Manuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Manuel plays his guitar with two other mariachis. Fericito sits behind his desk. A little drum set in front of him.)

Fericito: So, Manuel, how was your weekend?

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, you know, it was great, you know. I wish my wife was in better shape though, you know.

Fericito: Manuel´s wife is so big that when she steps on a scale it says “to be continued”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Here we go….

Fericito: I´m serious, his woman is so big, her shadow has stretch marks. (rim shot)

Manuel Pantalones: (offended) I think they get it.

Fericito: Manuel, (throws his arms up) I´m just “keeeding”!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: Now it’s time for my new comedy routine — Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and the 2 mariachis plays the jingle)

Manuel Pantalones: (sing) Fericito-walki-i-i-i-g!

Fericito: So what I did is I went out in the streets and asked easy questions to people on the streets. You won´t believe the answers I got!

(Cut to Fericito asking a question to a woman on the street. She is smiling.)

Fericito: Ok, who is the first President of the United States?

Woman: George Washing — (Splat! Fericito hits her with a cream pie in the face. Fericito laughs)

(Cut back into the studio. Fericito has cracked himself up with the clip.)

Fericito: Ah! Did you believe that lady? It’s a real lady! That was Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and his 2 mariachis)

Manuel Pantalones: (sings) Fericito-walki-i-i-ig!

Fericito: My first guest is a man who sings rap songs and wears baggy pants. “Esnoopy” Dogg!

(Rap star Snoop Doggy Dogg comes out. Flashes peace signs, shakes hands with Fericito and sits down)

Fericito: Oh, great. So, “Esnoopy” Dogg. I see you have a new movie coming out.

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, it’s called “Soul Plane”. I play the captain. You know, these days I´m doing it all. I can do music, I can do drama, and now, with this movie, I´m doing a little bit of comedy.

Fericito: Comedy? Really? You think you could do comedy? You have to leave that to the professionals, you know. You think you´re a funny guy?

Snoop Dogg: I´m always playing around. Ok, like, would you like to hear some of my music?

Fericito: Yes, please.

Snoop Dogg: Would you like tapes or CDs?

Fericito: CDs.

Snoop Dogg: Ok, well, “CD´s” nuts. (shows Fericito his crotch)

Fericito: (confused) Eh?

(Manuel laughs hysterically)

Manuel Pantalones: He got you, Fericito!

Fericito: Please, Manuel. I don´t get this joke.

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, I got it!

Snopp Dogg: That´s ok. Maybe you want a tape instead.

Fericito: Oh, yes. I´d like a tape.

Snopp Dogg: All right, how about I “tape” my nuts to the back of your head.

(More hysterical laughing from Manuel)

Fericito: “Esnoopy” you´re talking crazy. If you´re gonna tell a joke, you need a gimmick for your punchline. You got to show the audience where to laugh, ok? Do something like this after your punchline. Put your hands behind your ears and go like this. (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaa?! Ok, so let´s do the CD joke again, ok. Uh, yes, please “Esnoop” I´d like a CD.

Snoop Dogg: Well, then, “CD´s” nuts. (shoves his crotch forward)

Fericito: Now, behind your ears like this….

Snopp Dogg: (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?!

(Manuel laughs)

Manuel Pantalones: That worked! That really worked.

Fericito: It’s better, right? It’s more professional.

Snoop Dogg: Yes, that´s cool. I like that. You should tell Eileen that.

Fericito: Eileen who?

Snoop Dogg: “Eileen” back so you can rub this nuts! (pushes crotch forward and puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?! Now look Fericito, why don´t you play me some of those Latin beats so we can turn it out.

Fericito: Let´s do it! (gets up from behind his desk goes to his timbales set) All right, I´ll be right back with Kiefer Sutherland from “Veinticuatro” (plays his timbales while Snopp Dogg dances)

Caption: Show Biz Grande Explosion logo

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 8th, 2004

Snoop Dogg

Avril Lavigne

None

None Rumsfeld ResignsSummary: When Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) resigns, his love is missed by President George W. Bush (Will Forte) in the style of the “Friends” finale.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Snoop Dogg’s MonologueSummary: After a flamboyant entrance, Snoop Dogg asks viewers to knock it off with the schnizzle talk.

Also Appeared: 93p

Note: Snoop Dogg was a fill-in for an unannounced host who dropped prior to the show’s announcement.

Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 05/10/03.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Snoop Dogg how to do jokes.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

Rapper Face-OffSummary: Wheelchair-bound rapper (Snoop Dogg) elicits sympathy during a rap showdown.

Scheinwald StudiosSummary: Much to Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) chagrin, Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) is eager to produce Snoop Dogg’s “Booty Hotel” movie.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

Transcript

ABC Fall PromoSummary: Gross makeover shows will dominate the Fall schedule on ABC.

Snoop Misses “Friends”Summary: Snoop Dogg’s homeys (Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson) don’t share his love for the “Friends” sitcom.

Avril Lavigne performs “Don’t Tell Me”Also Appeared: 02i.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Lynndie England (Rachel Dratch) is Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week.” Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thinks he’ll end up taking the blame for the Iraqi prisoner scandal instead of President Bush. Jimmy Fallon looks back on his musical performances at the desk over the past few decades.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Still more medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Pothead Theater” lets potheads choose what they can see on television.

Transcript

Duster’s DigestSummary: The magazine that stays focused on the lifestyles of PCP users.

Avril Lavigne performs “My Happy Ending”

Snoop’s Mother’s Day MessageSummary: Snoop Dogg reflects on coming out of his mother’s womb with a poem.

Transcript

Goodnights

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Zings vs. SnapsSummary: Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and a fellow brain surgeon (Snoop Dogg) trade insult.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Note: This sketch is revised for next season’s Queen Latifah episode.

E! True Hollywood StorySummary: The true story about Ike (Snoop Dogg) and Tina Turner (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner, Tina Turner.

The Blow OffSummary: Will Forte is the undisputed whistling champion, until Snoop Dogg arrives.

Da ApprenticeSummary: Snoop Dogg stars in the gangster version of “The Apprentice.”

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film finally appears on the next episode, hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Bush in OneSummary: A shirtless President George W. Bush (Will Forte) discusses the Arabs.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

SNL Transcripts