SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer….Chris Parnell
President Geroge W. Bush….Will Forte
Senator John Kerry….Seth Meyers

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. From the University of Miami Convocation Center in Coral Gables, Florida, I’m Jim Lehrer of the News Hour on PBS. [expecting applause] Hm? [audience quiet] Okay.Anyway, I welcome you to the first of the 2004 Presidential debates between President George W. Bush, the Republican nominee, and Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee. Before we begin, let’s go over the ground rules, which have been carefully worked out by representatives of the two campaigns. As moderator I will ask all questions, including follow-ups. The candidates may not ask each other questions, interrupt one another, wave to each other, or make any unnecessary eye contact. In addition, the candidates have agreed not to leave their respective podiums to approach on another. And in order to enforce this rule they have been fitted with special collars, which will keep them inside an invisible fence running 30 inches out from the center of their lecterns. And here I would like to acknowledge the generous assistance of the good folks at Smart Fence Incorporated – for forty years, Southern Florida’s leader in world class pet containment systems. Now let’s meet the candidates.

[cut to show Bush and Kerry greeting each other, Kerry seemingly about two feet taller than Bush]

Jim Lehrer: Both candidates know the format. I will direct the first question to President Bush, and whatever the nature of the question, he will try to change the subject to 9/11. After a follow-up I will ask Senator Kerry to respond, and the Senator will remind the audience that he served in Vietnam. Following Senator Kerry’s rebuttal, there will be a brief disruption by demonstrators from Act Up, and after order is restored we will continue with a question for the Senator. So let’s begin.President Bush, the official position of your administration continues to be that Iraq will hold elections in January. Given the chaotic situation in that country, how will this be possible?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh, our plan in Iraq has always been a three-phase plan. Phase One: invade the country, free a people and remove a brutal dictator. No one will deny that Phase One was a complete success.

Jim Lehrer: What about Phase Two?

President George W. Bush: As we all know, there are those in Iraq who want freedom- who don’t want freedom for that country. The Saddam loyalists, the insurgents, the terrorists. In Phase Two we smoke these folks out, by letting them think they’re winning, you know. Convincing them that we don’t know what we’re doing. In other words, lulling them into a false sense of security. And that’s where we are right now – Phase Two, the Lulling Phase. And, despite what our critics would tell you, it’s- it’s workin’! Terrorist confidence and moral have never been higher.

Jim Lehrer: And what happens in Phase Three?

President George W. Bush: Jim, uh… you know, uh… we’re will working on Phase Three. You know, uh… and believe me, uh, we’re workin’ hard. Cause it’s… you know, it’s hard work. And we’re… workin’ hard. Just… every day, you know… workin’ evenings… ordering in. Workin’ hard together.

[cut to split-screen with Bush and Kerry, who is taking a ridiculous amount of notes]

President George W. Bush: Now, to answer your question, we, uh… we don’t know all the details yet. But, basically in Phase Three, we crush the terrorists, then hold elections so the Iraqi people can choose their own destiny. ‘Cause I believe all people want freedom, don’t you?

Jim Lehrer: Absolutely, but when you say “crush the terrorists”, how exactly do you plan to do that?

President George W. Bush: Well, uh… by workin’ hard… workin’ Saturdays…

Jim Lehrer: … So your plan is to crush the terrorists by coming in on Saturdays?

President George W. Bush: If that’s what it takes.

Jim Lehrer: Senator Kerry, your response.

Sen. John Kerry: A Silver Star, a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts.

Jim Lehrer: Excuse me?

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were asking me what decorations I won in Vietnam.

Jim Lehrer: No, I wanted your reaction to the President’s plan.

Sen. John Kerry: [gesturing excessively] Jim, the fact is this administration lied to the American people. We were told Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That it was about to acquire these weapons. That it was involved closely with al Qaeda. [cut to split-screen, showing Bush looking completely bewildered] And after misleading us into a war, we now find out this President doesn’t even have a plan to win the peace. He doesn’t, but I do.

Jim Lehrer: And what is your plan, Senator?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] I will do what this President should have done in the first place, which is enlist the help of our European allies so that the future of Iraq is not solely America’s responsibility.

Jim Lehrer: But Senator, given that many European governments were reluctant to come on board before the invasion, how would you convince them to step in now?

Sen. John Kerry: [still gesturing] Jim, I would sit down with the leaders of France, Germany and Russia, and I would explain to them why we simply can’t afford to ignore Iraq. I would remind them that Iraq maintains vast stock piles of weapons of mass destruction, that it’s actively seeking to acquire nuclear weapons, that it’s closely allied with al Qaeda, it was almost certainly behind 9/11.

Jim Lehrer: But, just a few minutes ago, didn’t you say that none of that was true?

Sen. John Kerry: I changed my mind.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, continuing with Senator Kerry’s point, suppose we fail to stop the insurgency in Iraq, do you have a contingency plan to restore stability in the country?

President George W. Bush: Well, of course we do, Jim… we, uh, we work hard, you know… we came up with the contingency plan., you know, uh… that’s our job, you know and… and it’s hard work, thinking of a plan, you know, uh… let alone two plans, you know… a regular plan and a contingency plan, you know, uh… a lotta long hours… reading documents and, uh… sitting in meetings and, you know, like, you know, uh… we came in on Sunday once.

Jim Lehrer: Could you describe the contingency plan?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know, let me first say I don’t believe this contingency plan will be necessary because, you know, the fact is we are, uh, you know… we’re winning. But, uh, you know if by some chance it should prove impossible to restore stability in time for elections, you know, the backup plan would be to replace Mr. Allawi with a more forceful, authoritarian leader. Someone who can bring order to Iraq until it’s ready for democracy.

Jim Lehrer: And that leader would be…?

President George W. Bush: … Saddam Hussein?

Jim Lehrer: [pause] So… you’re considering restoring Saddam Hussein to power?

President George W. Bush: You know, uh, that’s the back-up plan… was that our first choice? Of course not! You know, that’s why it’s just a backup… uh, although I will say that, you know, if you’re looking for a strong, decisive leader, you could do a lot worse that Saddam Hussein. He ran the country for thirty years, so he’s got the experience, you know, uh… there would be no on-the-job training with Saddam Hussein. First day, he’d hit the ground running, you know, plus he… you know, he works hard… puts in the, you know, the… long hours. Eats at his desk. Comes in weekends… and, uh, unlike my opponent, once- once Saddam Hussein takes a position, he sticks to it. You know, he doesn’t shift in the wind.

Jim Lehrer: Senator, the President appears to be leveling a charge he frequently repeats against you, that you’re a flip-flopper. How do you respond?

Sen. John Kerry: My opponent will like you to believe that I’ve changed my opinion on the war. The fact is I have one position, and one position only. Was Saddam a threat? Yes. I’ve said so since day one. Was his regime dangerous to the security of the United States? Of course not. Did he deserve to be removed? You bet. Was it the right action to remove him from power? No way. Was he in possession of weapons of mass destruction? Absolutely. Did he possess these weapons? No he did not. And that has always been my position.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush, your response.

President George W. Bush: He, you know, he… there he goes again, Jim. I don’t know how you can win a war if you keep saying “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

Jim Lehrer: I don’t think he said that.

President George W. Bush: Well, I- I thought I heard him say that.

Jim Lehrer: No, sir, he did not. He said plenty of nonsensical things, anyone of which you could very easily refute. But just now he did not say anything close to “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.”

[cut to split-screen]

President George W. Bush: You didn’t?

[Kerry shakes his head]

Jim Lehrer: With that this debate comes to a close. Each candidate will now make a brief closing statement. Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: You know, this President like to talk, about how I called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time. That a few days later, how I say that anyone who doesn’t think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein, is not fit be Commander in Chief. But what he doesn’t tell you is that when I denounced the war in Iraq , I was speaking to an anti-war group. And when I endorsed the war, I was addressing a pro-war delegation from the UGA. The fact of the matter is I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences, and condemned it when speaking to groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering! And America deserves a President who knows the difference. Thank you.

Jim Lehrer: President Bush.

President George W. Bush: You know, September 11th changed how America must look at the world. I wake up everyday… and work hard. You know, thinking about how to protect America, you know… it’s my job. And it’s hard… it’s hard work. Frankly, I don’t know why- why my opponent even wants this job, you know… cause it’s hard. You know, a lot of people… working at meetings and… you know, it’s hard work and… [a buzzer interrupts]

Jim Lehrer: And with that, tonight’s debate comes to a close. Thank you, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1

04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Rob Riggle

[open on a woman in a bedroom, dressed casually in what might be pajamas]

Woman: Are you ready to make the move to a strong and more lasting experience? Now you have a choice. If you’re already on an ED treatment, maybe it’s time for something new. Many ED specialists are recommending Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”] for a stronger and more lasting experience. [dissolve to woman, shot widens to show that she is sitting on a bed, and a man joins her and places an arm affectionately around her shoulder] Bigger, and stronger. [chuckles] And more meaty. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “MEATY”] [dissolve to woman] And there’s no rush to perform. [dissolve to a goldfish in a fishbowl] It’s boners when you feel right. [dissolve to woman] Giant ones. That are thick and sturdy. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “THICK”, “STURDY”] [dissolve to woman] Ask your doctor about a thicker, heavier, longer sexual experience. It’s what Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is all about.

[dissolve to a montage of scenes during disclaimer]

Narrator: [voice over] [woman is getting ready to leave when man beckons her to the bed] Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice is only for men healthy enough for sexual activity. [woman joins man on bed, and he kisses her hand] Do not take Boner Juice if you take nitrates for chest pains, [pan across bedroom while the bed bangs loudly on its springs] or alpha blockers for prostate problems or high blood pressure, [objects shake with the repeated impacts] as this may cause an unsafe drop in high blood pressure. [the hands of a clock race from 8 o’clock to 5 o’clock within seconds] If erection lasts less than four hours, [fishbowl shakes particularly violently] up the dosage by as much as you like. [a candle burns on a shelf]

[dissolve to woman, now with bare shoulders and looking very disheveled]

Woman: My guy? Yeah, he’s happy with his boner. [shot widens to show that she is wrapped in the bedsheets, and the man is next to her with a very large erection tenting the sheet]

Narrator: In the rare case the erection should last more than twenty-four hours, call a friend and brag about it. Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice. [dissolve to title screen with flame background: “Dr. Porkenheimer’s (Boner Juice)”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 2004

Ben Affleck

Nelly

None

Alec Baldwin

Jaheim

James Gandolfini
Presidential DebateSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) debate.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin accuses Ben Affleck of stealing his moves.

First Hosted: 99m.

Transcript

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: In repeats and rebroadcasts in other episodes, this commercial parody edits out the image of newcomer Rob Riggle sporting a huge erection underneath the bed sheets.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Melodramatic Debbie’s (Rachel Dratch) tales of woe ruins the festivities at a friend’s (Ben Affleck) birthday party.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Swift Boat Veterans For TruthSummary: Members of John Kerry’s former military crew speak of his poor domestic history.

Transcript

Florida StopSummary: James Carville (Ben Affleck) and Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) try in vain to get John Kerry (Seth Meyers) to act more human.

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, James Carville, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Nelly and Jaheim perform “My Place”Also Performed: 02f.

Bio: Jaheim (1978-). R&B singer.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: New Jersey Resident (James Gandolfini) comments on his state’s gay governor. Hollywood celebrity Ben Affleck comments about Matt Damon’s recent criticisms. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) is filled with hate.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Bio: James Gandolfini (1961-). Actor; portrayed crime boss Tony Soprano on HBO’s “The Sopranos”, 1999-2007.

Note: Amy Poehler takes over the anchor role vacated by Jimmy Fallon, exciting critics over the innovation of having two female anchors hosts the fake news segment.

Transcript

The EscalatorSummary: The old joke is acted out in the style of a disaster flick when an escalator loses power and panic breaks loose.

Transcript

Wedding DJSummary: An obnoxious disc jockey (Ben Affleck) disrupts a wedding reception.

Transcript

Nelly performs “We Can Leave Her”Also Performed: 11/16/02.

The FamilySummary: Alison Jackson’s film is a voyeuristic look at the Bush Family partying at Camp David.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Appalachian Police StationSummary: Members of the trailer trash community file police reports.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather ApologySummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for his latest faux pas.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Posin’ with Paris HiltonSummary: Hosting a talk show, Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and Nicole Richie (Rachel Dratch) chat with Nick Nolte (Ben Affleck) and Mose (Will Forte) from “Amish In The City”.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Ben Affleck) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Dan Rather Apology IISummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for the previous apology he made.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody will air on next week’s episode hosted by Queen Latifah.

Community FocusSummary: Community members (Horatio Sanz, Rob Riggle, Amy Poehler, Ben Affleck) decide which issues they want to focus on.

Bollywood TonightSummary: Indian talk show hostess (Maya Rudolph) interviews fellow Indian actors (Horatio Sanz, Ben Affleck).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: 2003-2004


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Starring:

Rachel Dratch

Jimmy Fallon

Tina Fey

Will Forte

Darrell Hammond

Seth Meyers

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Jeff Richards

Maya Rudolph

Horatio Sanz

Featuring:

Fred Armisen

Finesse Mitchell

Kenan Thompson

Episodes

10/04/03: Jack Black / John Mayer

10/11/03: Justin Timberlake

10/18/03: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

11/01/03: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

11/08/03: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

11/15/03: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

12/06/03: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

12/13/03: Elijah Wood / Jet

01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston / Black-Eyed Peas

01/17/04: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

02/07/04: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

02/14/04: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

02/21/04: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

03/06/04: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

03/13/04: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

04/03/04: Donald Trump / Toots & The Maytals

04/10/04: Janet Jackson

05/01/04: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

05/08/04: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

05/15/04: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summary   “Saturday Night Live” began its 29th season on October 4th, 2003. Cast members Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan left the long-running series and their long-running tenures, leaving long-running performer Darrell Hammond to begin his 9th season with “Saturday Night Live”. Though both Kattan and Morgan left the show, they would make enough cameo appearances thoughout the season to qualify as honorary featured performers. Other changes include a new opening sequence, a brand new host and musical guest stages modeled after Grand Central Station, and an impression of President George W. Bush that changes hands twice during the season. The season tailored itself for the M-TV crowd, infiltrating a host line-up that included stars of the day like Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and Christina Aguilera. The season was also marred by continued (and one might wonder forced) on-air crack-ups between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz, Weekend Update’s focus on entertainment news and personal opinion taking preference over current events humor, and the mysterious disappearance of Jeff Richards mid-season. The best sketches of the season belonged to Will Forte, though they sometimes had a tendancy to become buried in mediocre episodes (Halle Berry, anyone?). Elsewhere, Jimmy Fallon’s decision to leave SNL hit some fans harder than the news of Will Ferrell’s departure, while leaving other fans wondering if Tina Fey would seek a replacement for Fallon on Weekend Update, anchor the segment alone, or resign the desk to new talent altogether. All in all, SNL was again falling on weak knees by the time it reached the end of the season prepared for its upcoming 30th anniversary.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

The Swan

Amanda Byram…..Maya Rudolph
Vicki…..Mary-Kate Olsen
Dr. Lance Haggart…..Chris Parnell
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Reporter…..Rachel Dratch
Jasmine Ranseed…..Tina Fay
Dr. Simone…..Seth Meyers
Vicki’s Reflection…Ashley Olsen

[open on title and logo: “The Swan”]

Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!

[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]

Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.

[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting]

[title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]

Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.

[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting]

[title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]

Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.

[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall]

[title: “Amber, 29 years old”]

Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof]

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.

[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]

Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to reporter in news room]

Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?

Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”

Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.

Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.

Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?

Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!

Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves]

[Vicki walks to the full-length mirror

Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection]

[Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]

Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]

Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]

Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]

Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.

Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!

Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?

Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.

Amanda: The judges have voted.

Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!

Amanda: And the winner is.

Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!

Amanda: Please shut up.

Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.

Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.

Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]

Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.

[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]

Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting]

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summer Nights
..written by: Amy Poehler

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on studio backstage area, a line of lockers belonging to cast members ]

[ Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch sit on a bench, as Seth Meyers and Chris Parnell close their lockers; Darrell Hammond leans placidly against a locker, smoking a cigarette ]

Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s the last sketch of the show.

Darrell Hammond: And the last show of the season.

Amy Poehler: [ enters ] I’m sad, you guys. I don’t want the season to be over. I hope we keep in touch.

Fred Armisen: [ enters ] Hey, you guys – there’s a huge party at Rachel’s house!

Rachel Dratch: [ hearing this for the first time ] There is?

Maya Rudolph: Everybody’s gonna be there!

Rachel Dratch: They are?

[school bell rings ]

Fred Armisen: That’s it! Summer’s here! It’s summertime!

[ Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell snap their fingers and break into the harmony from “Summertime” by The Jamies ]

All: [ harmonizing ]
“Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summerti-i-ime!”

Maya Rudolph: “No more cameras, no more lights.”

Rachel Dratch: “No more sketches, left to write.”

Amy Poehler: “No more orgies, Thursday night.”

[ everyone stops in their tracks, looks at a now-coyish Amy ]

Rachel Dratch: What orgies?

Amy Poehler: What? Huh?

All: “It’s Summerti-i-i-ime!”

Horatio Sanz: [ enters ] Hey, guys – I’m going on vacation!

Rachel Dratch: Well, where are you going, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: To the greatest city on Earth!

Maya Rudolph: Where’s that, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: Right here! In New York City!

[ everyone – except Darrell, who leans against the lockers in the background, smoking a cigarette and tapping it against a coffee cap as he stares blankly – ducks offscreen ]

Horatio Sanz: [ singing “Summer In The City” by The Lovin’ Spoonful ]
“Hot town, summer in the city!
Back of my neck gettin’ dirt and gritty!”

Fred Armmisen: [ singing ]
“Cool cat, lookin’ for a kitty!
Gonna look in every corner of the city!”

Together: [ singing ]
“All around, people lookin’ half-dead
Walkin’ on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head!”

[ they stop singing, as horatio bends over hacking, coughing and wheezing from overexertion ]

Fred ArmisenYou alright, Horatio?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m cool. [ places inhaler in his mouth ]

Will Forte: [ enters ] You sure you okay, buddy?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m just —

Will Forte: You alright?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah..

Amy Poehler: Wow.. you alright, Horatio? [ to Will ] It looks like he’s out of breath.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, what he needs is a nice summer breeze.

[ Horatio and Fred step offscreen, as Will and Amy look into one another’s eyes and break into “Summer Breeze” by Seals & Croft ]

Will & Amy: [ singing ]
“Summer Breeze!
Makes me feel fine!
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mi-ind!”

[ Maya re-enters, making the song’s electric guitar sound effects with her mouth ]

Fred Armisen: [ rushes back in, holding a strip of paper triumphantly ] Hey, guys! I just got Jimmy’s phone number!

[ everyone crowds around Fred to see; even Darrell Hammond suddenly changes position to remain in background of the camera angle ]

Finesse Mitchell: Let me see that.

Fred Armisen: It’s 5-5, 5-5-5!

Chris Parnell: Whoa!

Fred Armisen: We’re totally gonna hang out!

[ Tina Fey, dressed much like Sandy in “Grease”, enters scene clutching her Weekend Update notes, and sits on the bench. The girls excitedly crowd around her, leaving the boys alone off to the side ]

Girls: Hey! Hi, Tina! Hi!

Amy Poehler: So.. have you talked to Jimmy?

Tina Fey: [ glumly ] No. I haven’t seen him since Update.

Amy Poehler: Ohhh. Well, where have you been?

Tina Fey: In the cafeteria, eating my feelings.

[ cut to the guys, as Jimmy Fallon, clad in a leather jacket much like Danny Zuckow, enters acting all cool and makes his presence known ]

Jimmy Fallon: Heyyyy, guys!

[ the guys are as excited as a flock of teenage girls to see Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, what am I, like, at a dog convention?

[ the familiar chords of “Summer Lovin'” pot up, as the girls become excitedly to see Jimmy nearby, and the guys goad Jimmy into making his way toward Tina ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Summer lovin’, had me a bla-ast!”

Tina Fey: “Summer lovin’, happened so fa-ast!”

Jimmy Fallon: “I met a girl, crazy for me-ee!”

Tina Fey: “I met a boy, cute as can be-ee!”

[ cut to split-screen of Jimmy and Tina, even though they’re only inches apart ]

Together:
“Summer day, driftin’ away
To uh oh, those summer nights!”

All: “Well uh, well uh, well uh..”

Girls:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Was it love at first sight!”

Guys:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Did she put up a fight!“

Jimmy Fallon:
“It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her, we’d still be friends.”

Tina Fey: “Then we made, our true love vow.”

[ full shot of locker room, as Jimmy walks over to Tina ]

Together: “Wonder what, he/she’s doing now.”

[ Jimmy reaches his hand to Tina’s face, nearly knocking the glasses off her face ]

Together:
“Summer dreams, ripped at the seams
Bu-ut..”

[ Jimmy moves his hand down Tina’s jacket, grazing her breast to her great surprise ]

Together: “Those Sat-ur-day ni-i-i-ights!”

All:
“Tell me more..
Tell me more..
Tell me mo-o-o-ore!”

[ zoom out to wide shot of the cast, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Photographers

Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler
Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen
Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen

[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi]

[Cameron Diaz walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #1: Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, where’s Justin?

Photographer #2: Cameron, congratulations on Shrek 2!

Photographer #3: Love the dress, Cameron! Show me your bare feet, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Cameron! Cameron, pretend you’re surfing! [makes surfing motion] Pretend you’re surfing!

All: Thank you, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.

Photographer #2: Really?

Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.

All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!

[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Are you engaged?

Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!

Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!

Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!

Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.

Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.

Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!

[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]

Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!

Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!

Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!

Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!

Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!

[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]

All: Thank you, Angelina!

[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]

Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!

[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!

Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?

Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.

Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!

Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!

Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!

Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!

Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.

Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.

Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!

[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]

All: Courtney! Courtney!

Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Make a devil face!

Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!

Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Crazy!

Photographer #1: Oh, God!

[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]

Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!

Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!

Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.

Photographer #1: Dakota!

[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]

All: Dakota! Dakota!

Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.

All: David, we love you!

Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!

Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!

Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!

Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!

Photographer #2: Mother F-ing jackpot!

[Photographer #2 and Photographer #3 high-five]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Mary-Kate & Ashley Perfume

Male Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Female Announcer…..Maya Rudolph
…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen

[ open on product, cutting between it and the Olsen Twins with fan wind blowing through their hair ]

Male Announcer: Hey.. you’re a complex lady, with complex needs. And, for you, one scent just isn’t enough.

Female Announcer: No, it’s not.

Male Announcer: You need something for your elegant side.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And your wild side.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you’re never just one thing.

Female Announcer: You’re two.

Male Announcer: Sometimes you go to the theater.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And sometimes you hit the clubs.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Two frangrances, both completely unique.

Female Announcer: Yet, remarkably similar.

Male Announcer: So, what are you in the mood for, ladies? A drive in a Rolls Royce?

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Or a Mazzaratti?

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you need something to wear to work.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And something to wear Saturday night.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: And something for Sunday morning.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And something for Sunday afternoon, say around threeish.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: But, what about holidays?

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Jewish holidays?

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you’re a woman with many sides.

Female Announcer: Primarily two.

Male Announcer: So be ready for everything.

Female Announcer: Literally.

Male Announcer: Coal mining.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Tornadoes.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Spearfishing.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Banjo lessons.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Taxidermy.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Knee surgery.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Female Announcer: For every occasion.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen’s Monologue

…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Will Forte
Ashley Olsenberger…..Amy Poehler
Prom Queen Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Mrs. Olsen…..Rachel Dratch
Mr. Olsen…..Fred Armisen

(girls run out and wave)

Mary-Kate: Thank you! Thank you very much!

Ashley: Thank you!

Mary-Kate: We are so happy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live!

Ashley: I’m not.

Mary-Kate: Ashley!

Ashley: Well, I’m not! The thing is, tonight is our senior prom and we’re missing it to host this show.

(audience goes awwwwww)

Mary-Kate: That’s true.

Ashley: See, we’ll never know what it’s like to ride in a limo, and wear fancy dresses, and have someone do our hair.

Mary-Kate: Okay, we get to do that, like, every day.

Ashley: Yeah, but not at a Marriot.

Mary-Kate: Okay, you know, I could tell you were really bummed out about this so I have a little surprise for you. Jimmy…..

(Jimmy Fallon comes out, wearing a powder blue tux carrying a corsage)

Jimmy: Ashley Olsen, will you go to the prom with me?

Ashley: Ohmigosh I’d love to!

Jimmy: Thanks!

Ashley: But I don’t have a dress.

Jimmy: I took care of that! Come on guys!

(stage managers come out holding two dresses. Ashley’s is ugly and looks vinyl, while Mary-Kate’s is fairly decent. They dress both girls)

Mary-Kate: Thanks!

Jimmy: What do you think?

Ashley: Uh… this is what people wear?

Jimmy: Yeah, well, most people aren’t teenage billionaires, so…

(Will comes on with a corsage for Mary-Kate, in a grey coat)

Will: Wow you look wonderful, Mary-Kate! (he pins the corsage onto her and pokes her with the pin)

Mary-Kate: Oww! Thank you, Will!

(twins’ parents come on)

Mrs. Olsen: Ohhh! Get together! Get together! Smile! Oh my baby girls are growing up! Oh my little girls are growing up!

(Mr. Olsen takes pictures of the girls and their dates in front of a fireplace)

Mr. Olsen: Haha…you touch my daughter, I’ll kill you!

Ashley: Dad!

Jimmy: Let’s go! Let’s go you guys! Let’s go!

(American Pie by Madonna comes on as they get in a cardboard limo. Will and Jimmy are out the roof, while Mary-Kate and Ashley are out a window)

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!

Jimmy and Will: Woo!

Ashley: Okay, we get it!

(the limo disappears and streamers come down from the ceiling with a sign, which falls down. A disco ball drops as “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” comes on by Britney Spears)

Will: Mary-Kate, may I have this dance?

Mary-Kate: Okay!

(Will grabs her and starts ‘dirty dancing’ with her, and tries to kiss her as they dance)

Mary-Kate: Okay, oh! Cool it! Cool it!

Jimmy: I really like you, Ashley.

Ashley: Thanks!

Jimmy: No, I mean I really really like you!

Ashley: Thanks!

Jimmy: So can you chip in $80 for the limo? I mean…

Ashley: What?!

Jimmy: You’re riding in it as well, I mean, it’s just that—

(Maya comes in, holding a cup and is drunk and her speech is slurred. She has the same dress on as Ashley)

Maya: Oh. My. God. We’re wearing the same Sparkle Pink Barbie Dress! How could you do this to me, Ashley? I hate you!

Ashley: I didn’t know, sorry, I didn’t know!

(Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men comes on)

Maya: Ohmigod I love this song!

(starts rocking out to the music)

Maya: Woo!!! Ohmigod, this is so much fun! I’m so sorry that we fought. We’re still friends right?

Ashley: Yeah.

Maya: Best friends?

Ashley: Yeah.

Maya: Okay! (she stumbles off)

Will: Hey, uh MK, you wanna get out of here? I got my dad’s Chrysler C-Bring Convertible! A bunch of us are going to go to a black neighborhood and try to buy wine.

Mary-Kate: No thanks.

Will: God, you’re stuck up!

Mary-Kate: You’re 35.

Maya: You guys…you guys, I don’t feel so good.

Ashley: Maya, what’s the matter, you okay?

Jimmy: Maya?

(Maya shakes her head)

Ashley: You okay?

(Maya throws up all over Ashley)

Maya: Ohmigod, I feel so much better. (laughs)

Ashley: Ohmigod, my ugly dress is ruined.

Announcer: And the 2004 Prom Queen is…Ashley! Olsen!

(Group cheers)

Announcer: Berger!

Ashley Olsen-Berger: Yay! I’m Ashley Olsen-Berger! I knew I was going to win! Woo!

(Time of Your Life comes on)

Ashley Olsen-Berger: Hey, Jimmy, heard you had a limo! What are you looking at, Full House?

(Jimmy and Ashley Olsen-Berger start making out)

Will: Hey, watch it fella! That’s my sister!

Jimmy: Yeah, she’s a better kisser than your mom!

(Will and Jimmy start punching each other, as do Maya and Ashley Olsen-Berger)

Mary-Kate: Well, that’s what we’re missing! What do you think?

Ashley: I think we have a great show tonight! J-Kwon is here!

Mary-Kate: So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

(Maya throws up again, right next to Mary-Kate)

FADE

Submitted by: Lindsey B.

SNL Transcripts