Greg….Seth Meyers Greg’s Friend….Will Forte Naked Guy…..Chris Parnell Color-treated guy….Fred Armisen Impressed man….Rob Riggle Black Guy….Finesse Mitchell
[Opens with gym’s bathroom. Two friends look in themirror after a shower, towels around their waist.]
Greg’s Friend: Hey, Greg! What’s up?
Greg: Nothing.[ A vain look on his face]
Greg’s Friend: You look…different.
Greg: Really?
Greg’s Friend: Yeah, did you lose weight?
Greg: Nope.
Greg’s Friend: Did you change your hair?
Greg: You could say that.
[Opens up his towel and his friend looks down on his crotch]
Greg’s Friend: Greg, your pubes look fantastic!
Greg: Tell me about it.
Greg’s Friend: How’d you do it?
Greg: Oh, I don’t know…
[Gives him a bottle of shampoo. Its called Short andCurly. Daily thickening. 2-1 shampoo and conditioner.For male pubic hair]
Greg’s Friend: Short and Curly. A pubic shampoo. Does it work?
Greg: Uh, you tell me.
[Greg stands completely naked. His genitals arepixeled. A group of friends gather around and take alook at his crotch. A naked guy joins them with histowel wrapped around his neck.]
Naked Guy: What’s up, bros? [Looks down at Greg’sgenitals] Holy crud, Greg! Your pubes look awesome.
Greg’s Friend: Check it out.
[Gives naked guy the shampoo bottle. Close up of thebottle blocks the pixeled genitals]
Naked Guy: Short and curly. Huh, I didn’t know theymade shampoo for pubic hair.
Greg: Yeah, it works for all kind of pubic hair.
Color-treated Guy: Even color-treated pubic hair?
[Animation sequence shows the pubic hair being washedwith the shampoo. Pubes bounce and shine more]
Announcer: Short and Curly is specifically formulated to repair the damage caused by brushing and blow drying so your short and curlies will be shorter, fuller, shinier, curlier with more body and extra sheen. And don’t forget about Short, Dark, Curly and Lovely.
[Bottle of S&C and SDCL]
Black Guy: But that, my friends, is strictly for the brothers.
[Black guy opens up his towel and shows his pixeledgenitals. The white dudes stare with open mouths,clearly impressed with the black guy’s penis size.]
Greg’s Friend: [stunned]You look….great.
Black Guy: That’s the special no-lie relaxer.
Greg: [lying to himself] Yeah, that’s what it is.
[Bottles of Shampoo]
Announcer: New Short and Curly and Short, Dark, Curly,and Lovely available at fine pubic salons everywhere.
Naked Guy: Short and Curly. I’m going to pick some upon my way home.[smiles]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 9th, 2004 Queen Latifah Queen Latifah None Chris Kattan John Lutz Paula Pell Decision ’04: The Presidential DebatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
Montage
Queen Latifah’s MonologueSummary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte). First Hosted: 02n.
Short & CurlySummary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny. Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
The Prince ShowSummary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.
ExcedrinSummary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches. Transcript
Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential DebateSummary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.
Queen Latifah performs “The Same Love That Made Me Laugh”
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she’s enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he’s against young black mothers giving their babies weird names. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
The RecruitsSummary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell). Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
TV FunhouseSummary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents. Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.
Dangerfield TributeSummary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter’s (Horatio Sanz) request. Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter. Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80. Transcript
Vote Or Die!Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood. Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.
Queen Latifah performs “Hard Times”
Zinger vs. SnapSummary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay. Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Dyson ToiletsSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli. Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.
Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.
The Oak RoomSummary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage. Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.
KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.
Starting OverSummary: Daytime talks show spoof.
RooftopSummary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.
……Tina Fey ……Amy Poehler New Jersey resident……James Gandolfini ……Ben Affleck Elton John……Horatio Sanz
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:
President Bush and Senator John Kerry’s first Presidential debate was held this past Thursday, and while neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner, though President Bush later complained it was ’cause he couldn’t get his buzzer to work!
Amy Poehler: Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he’s a flip-flopper, saying, “I have one position on Iraq. I’m for-gainst it.”
Tina Fey: Senator Kerry– [cracks up]
Amy Poehler: That was my first joke!
Tina Fey: Your first joke! Yeah! [supportive cheers and applause] Ahh…
Senator Kerry attacked President Bush’s foreign policy strategy, saying that if he were elected, he would expand the international coalition fighting in Iraq. And, sure enough, Friday morning Kerry did receive a call from French President Jacques Chirac, saying [in French accent] “We are, uh, how do you say, uh, not coming.”
Now to be fair, the only reason many debate analysts felt that Senator Kerry outperformed President Bush is because as the debate wore on, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.
Amy Poehler: While many consider the President’s performance underwhelming, he did still manage to win the prestigious Norman Fell Camera Take Award.
[split-screen shot of Norman Fell and President Bush both doing similar camera takes; some applause]
Tina Fey: Ahh, Norman Fell. God bless him.
[picture of First Lady Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry at the debate, both wearing white blouses] The debate ended with a moment of bipartisan levity when Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry dressed up like nurses and made out with each other.
Amy Poehler: One of the big stories that we missed this summer was New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey’s annoucement that he is gay, and that he will resign amid gay-related scandal involving Golan Cipel, an Israeli former staffer.
Tina Fey: To ge the local perspective on the issue, Weekend Update would now like to present an editorial from this New Jersey resident.
[New Jersey resident enters and remains standing, to huge cheers and applause]
New Jersey resident: How ya doin’?
[SUPER: “NEW JERSEY RESIDENT”]
Well, uh, first of all I’d like to thank you for letting me be here, and that’s a little token of my appreciation. [gives a large box to Tina]
Tina Fey: Wow, uh– a DVD player! Thank you!
New Jersey resident: It’s a Sanyo, it’s a good one.
Tina Fey: Thank you.
Amy Poehler: Nice.
New Jersey resident: [motioning to Amy] And if I knew you were gonna be here, I woulda brought one for you too, sweetheart.
Amy Poehler: Aww– that’s OK, I’m good.
New Jersey resident: Yeah, you are.
Amy Poehler: [shakes her head] So, would you- would you like to sit down?
New Jersey resident: No, no, I’m gonna stand, in case I– I wanna leave.
Tina Fey: OK, so uh– so, uh, your editorial about Jim McGreevey.
New Jersey resident: Yeah, yeah, I’m getting to it. [clears his throat]
Look, I didn’t want to talk about this McGreevey stuff, but I- I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore. I mean, so the guy’s a fanook. Big deal. He had an affair. Every married guy’s got some action on the side. In this case, in the behind.
But instead of just paying the guy’s rent and bangin’ him in the penguin house of the zoo, McGreevey puts his guy on the payroll.
Tina Fey: And, I think, uh, part–
New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.
Tina Fey: Sorry.
New Jersey resident: As I was saying, you never mix business with pleasure. Unless that business is prostitution.
Tina Fey: Well, people also feel that Golan Cipel–
New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. You got a nice face.
Tina Fey: I- Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.
New Jersey resident: Well, use your head. [delayed laughter; some applause]
Any- anyway, I- I support the guy, but he makes a big mistake. Not only did he put his boyfriend on the payroll, he put him in charge of homeland security. And everybody knows the i bigi0 guys handle security, and the Jews watch the money.
Tina Fey: [surprised] OK, let’s not stereotype people, it’s not gonna–
New Jersey resident: Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t know you were one of the, uh, chosen people.
Tina Fey: I’m not, but you can’t say stuff like that!
New Jersey resident: I just did.
Anyway, I said what I had to say, and, uh, it was very nice meeting you [motioning to Amy], and the mouthy one [motioning to Tina] I’m not so sure.
[New Jersey resident exits to cheers and applause]
Tina Fey: An unif- An unidentified New Jersey resident!
That is- That is the scariest man I have ever been attracted to.
According to reports, Britney Spears has told family and close friends that she and her new jusband Kevin Federline are expecting their first child. So far, no word on whether it will be a pimp or a ho.
Amy Poehler: This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that’s five more than the real Donald Trump.
Not included in those phrases, [imitating Donald Trump] “I have a great deal of dignity.”
A Pakistani man who convinced his infertile wife to have an operation so they could have children, was arrested after he got the doctors to cut out one of her kidneys instead, so he could sell it, and then divorce her. Ugh, that’s just rude.
Tina Fey: Aw, you know, tell me about it. That is what Jimmy did to me. I thought he loved me– it turns out, he was just trying to steal my kidney!
Amy Poehler: Oh my God. I’m sorry to hear that, Tina.
Tina Fey: No, it’s fine. I’m over it. I mean, I act- I think this is gonna work out really well between me and you, ’cause it’s, it’s like good energy, it’s- it’s gonna be kinda cool, like that movie “Monster.”
Amy Poehler: Yeah?
Tina Fey: Yeah, you saw that movie “Monster,” right?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Are you- are you gonna kill me?
Tina Fey: [laughs] No! I’m gonna kill other people, and you’re gonna be my girlfriend.
Amy Poehler: [laughs] Cool! [some applause]
Tina Fey: This week, Norway became the World Oyster Opening Champions. This was a stunning upset for last year’s Oyster Opening Champion: Colin Farrell.
Dirty.
Amy Poehler: Ooh, dirty, dirty.
In a recent interview, Matt Damon criticized Hollywood actors who only take roles in potential blockbusters, because he believes that stardom is irrelevant, and that it’s important to only choose interesting roles. Here with a response to these statements: a Hollywood actor.
[pan to Ben Affleck; applause]
Ben Affleck: Listen, bro. We all know who you’re talking about, OK? Not a big secret, you know. Been kind of a mainstream year for me, OK? Stop rubbing it in, alright? I get halfway through watching “Paycheck,” I went to ask the theater manager for my money back, and then I remembered I was in it. Alright? I got you.
And I know you’re not into stardom, but, uh… help me out here. [clears his throat] I can’t seem to recall which Chekov play “The Bourne Supremacy” is based on. And I’m sure they’ll be studying “Ocean’s 12” in the film classes at USC, believe me, because “Ocean’s 11” left so many unanswered questions. Hey, wait ’til you lose your mind, and make two movies in a row with i youri0 girlfriend, alright? [applause] And make two movies with Winona Ryder, I know, it’s just the– by the way, Street Cred, how’s Clooney’s yacht treating you? Is there a phone on that thing? I’ve been trying to call you for, like, three wieeks about this Project Greenlight mess. And another thing, uh…if the Red Sox lose, it’s your- it’s your fault because you moved to New York, you filthy traitor!
Amy Poehler: Ben Affleck, everyone! [applause] Hollywood actor! Hollywood actor.
Tina Fey: The Scottish scientists who stunned the world by cloning Dolly the sheep announced this week they plan to clone human embryos in a bid to cure Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Although so far, all they’ve succeeded in doing is creating sheep with Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
Amy Poehler: A small Spanish fishing boat this week hauled up 22 bales of hashish.
Tina Fey: [pointing to Amy’s cue card] No, no, wait, Amy, that says 23 bales of hash-
Amy Poehler: Ut tut tut– [quieting Tina] Be quiet, and meet me after the show. [pause] That’s what I’m talking about. I got hashish at my house!
Tina Fey: [chuckling] The first prescription treatment to boost a woman’s sex drive could be approved for use in the U.S. by next year. Until then, fake it ’til you make it, ladies.
[cut to promotional graphic]
Don Pardo V/O: Fake it ’til you make it, brought to you by Astroglide.
[cut back to the Weekend Update set]
Tina Fey: Last week, Elton John swore at reporters in Taiwan who mobbed him at the airport, calling them “rude, vile pigs.” Here to explain his actions is our old friend, Sir Elton John.
[pan to Elton John; applause]
[SUPER: “SIR ELTON JOHN”]
Elton John: Hello Tina. [looking around] Where’s my Jimmy boy?
Tina Fey: Ah- well, he’s gone, uh, Amy’s here now.
Elton John: [to Amy] You’re not really my cup of tea, dear. If you know what I mean.
Amy Poehler: ‘Cause you’re super-humanly gay?
Elton John: Yes.
Tina Fey: Uh, so it sounds like you had a pretty bad time in Taiwan.
Elton John: Tina, I’m sick about the whole situation. And, other lady–
Amy Poehler: My name’s Amy, actually.
Elton John: Rhonda, you know I’ve always expressed myself best via music. This song is my gesture of forgiveness.
[Elton John presses the keys on the keyboard and sings to the tune of “Your Song”]
“And you can tell everybody I love Taiwan It may seem like a bunch of bull now that I’m gone I hope you don’t mind that I was not kind To those little vile pigs How wonderful it would be If they were all shot through the neck with a crossbow.”
Tina Fey: Wow. Yeesh!
Amy Poehler: It sounds like you have not forgiven anyone, Elton John!
Elton John: Well, Not Jimmy, they were rude. And I’m sorry, Tina, and the other girl, but the bottom line is– I was homesick. Haven’t you ever missed someone you loved?
Tina Fey: Yeah, well–
Amy Poehler: Sure.
Tina Fey: Yeah, of course, Elton, yeah.
Elton John: [singing to the tune of “Rocket Man”] “I miss L.A. so much, I miss my guy It’s lonely on the road And there’s no one there to love you When you’re away from home.”
Amy Poehler: Aww, that’s nice.
Elton John: “But I think it’s gonna be a long, long time Before I ever see Taiwan again The people suck and the food smells weird I hate Taiwan And I hate China too Also Korea, Japan and Singapore”
Tina Fey: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute! You hate all of Asia? You hate all of Asia.
Elton John:Sincerely, Tina.
Tina Fey: Alright, get out!
Elton John: And I’m not very fond of South Americans, either.
Amy Poehler: Get out of here, Elton John!
For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Elton John continues to bang on the piano keys as Tina an Amy hug; cheers and applause, fade]
Larry Thurlow: We were on a routine patrol outside Don Huong, when we started taking sniper fire. Three of us were pinned down. It was pretty bad. That’s when John Kerry turned to me, and said, “You know, I don’t think Americans pay enoupgh taxes.” I said, “Lieutenant, but what about the snipers?” He said, “I think I’d tax them, too.”
[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]
[ SUPER: “Ken Gardner Foregunner, PGF-44 John Kerry’s boat” ]
Ken Gardner: When Kerry noticed the swift boat had a gasoline engine, he blew a gasket. Kept going on about our dependence on foreign oil. That’s when he threw the whole engine overboard, and ordered us to complete the mission on windpower. Then, of course, he flip-flopped, and made us put the tank back in.
[ dissolve to Steve Cordier, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]
[ SUPER: “Steve Cordier Builds models of boats like theo ne Kerry served on” ]
Steve Cordier: We happened upon two Viet Cong soldiers, and.. everyone thought it was an ambush. John Kerry jumped off the boat and chased after them. Within minutes, he returned to the boat with the soldiers and said, “These men are in love.” And he conducted a gay marriage ceremony. To honor, obey, and love you long time. It made us all sick.
[ dissolve to George O’Dell, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]
[ SUPER: “George O’Dell Travel Agent Has booked trips to Vietnam” ]
George O’Dell: We were being attacked outside of Da Nang, and Kerry ordered us not to shoot the enemy because he was against the death penalty. He made us build a jail out of bamboo, where the Viet Cong would get life imprisonment and federally-funded health care.
[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]
[ SUPER: “Ken Gardner Foregunner, PGF-44 John Kerry’s boat” ]
Ken Gardner: — then he flip-flopped, and turned the jail into a gentlemen’s club. Then back into a jail. We never knew where he stood.
[ dissolve to Adrian Letson, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry’s past military service ]
[ SUPER: “Adrian Letson Saw “Platoon” ” ]
Adrian Letson: Kerry wouldn’t eat Army rations. He insisted on fancy French food and wine. Then he fell in love with a young Vietnamese girl who had invented some sort of rice and tomato sauce concoction called “cat-sup.” Marrying the enemy was a real slap in the face. Pretty soon, she was giving orders to all of us, especially Lt. Kerry.
[ dissolve to SUPER: “Paid For By Swift Boat Veterans For Truth and A rich Texas Dude. Not Authorized By any Candidate, Especially Bush. We Haven’t Even Talked to Bush. We Bet He Hates These.” ]
Announcer: Paid for by Swift Boat Veterans For Truth.
[ dissolve to Adobe Photoshop logo ]
Second Announcer: And Adobe Photoshop. Adobe. When you want the truth, real bad.
Ben Affleck: Alright, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! In case you’re wondering, you’re not watching a repeat. Yes, I did host just five minutes ago. Yes, I do have a new movie coming out. And, yes, the Yankees and the Red Sox are in the Play-Offs, once again. So, uh, maybe it is a repeat.[ audience cheers ]But, uh, yeah.. things are going pretty good – thanks for telepathically asking. Life is good. Um.. you know.. life is good, what can I tell ya’?
Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, yeah! Life is good, my friend!
Ben Affleck: [ glances stage left ] What’s that, sir? did you say something?
Off-Screen Voice: Yeah, I said your life is good! Real good!
[ audience screams with excitement as Alec Baldwin – the voice’s identity – appears on the stage with Affleck ]
Alec Baldwin: I should know how good your life is, because I’ve lived it once before!
Ben Affleck: Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen. [ audience screams again ] Thank you for coming tonight. It’s very kind of you to show up and watch the show.
Alec Baldwin: Yeah, I didn’t come here to watch the show! I came here to ask you a question!
Ben Affleck: Okay, well.. what’s up?
Alec Baldwin: Why are you stealing my moves?
Ben Affleck: [ confused ] Come again?
Alec Baldwin: You heard me, punk! You’re stealing all my moves!
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I.. really don’t know what you’re talking about..
Alec Baldwin: [ chuckles ] Oh, come o-o-o-on! Hosting SNL all the time, public break-ups with famous women, fighting with the paparazzi, showing up at the Democratic National Convention? These are my moves, Ben!
Ben Affleck: [ dramatically ] They’re not.. moves.. to me, Alec. They’re just the.. slow-motion train wreck I like to call my life.
Alec Baldwin: [ getting to the point ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”?
Ben Affleck: What?! No, that’s crazy!
Alec Baldwin: Is it crazy? They called you to play Jack Ryan, didn’t they?
Ben Affleck: Yeah, but that was different. You said you didn’t want to do it any more. You quit, you went and did Broadway.
Alec Baldwin: I wanted more money, so I told them to go screw themselves! I call that my Irish Negotiating Technique.
Ben Affleck: [ laughs ] That’s good, I’ll have to remember that one!
Alec Baldwin: Yeah, don’t jerk me around, Gigli! [ after brief audience applause, leans in and gets serious again ] Did they call you about “Cat in the Hat 2”? ‘Cause they haven’t called me yet!
Ben Affleck: No, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: Look me in the EYE!
Ben Affleck: [ finally surrenders ] Okay, fine! [ Alec grimaces at the defeat ] They offered me your part in “Cat in the Hat 2”! But I’m not gonna do it, okay!
Alec Baldwin: I wouldn’t wish it on you anyway. Mike Myers will suck your soul out, and complain how bad it tastes! [ huge audience applause ] Where you living, New York?
Ben Affleck: L.A.
Alec Baldwin: Keep in that way! How many times you hosted this show?
Ben Affleck: Three. How about you?
Alec Baldwin: Nine times, Popeye! [ flexes his muscles triumphantly ] You, uh, hit on Amy Poehler yet?
Ben Affleck: Yeah, I —
Alec Baldwin: Did she turn you down?
Ben Affleck: Yeah —
Alec Baldwin: Of course, she did! She’s a very classy woman! How many times you been nominated for an Oscar?
Ben Affleck: I have an Oscar.
Alec Baldwin: [ winces in defeat ] I forgot that.. shi-! Alright, good for you. I’ll just give you one word of advice: don’t get too comfortable. Me and Goodman are constantly circling the building every five minutes. You understand?
Ben Affleck: I do. Yes, sir.
Alec Baldwin: Alright, good! [ addresses the audience ] We’ve got a great show – Nelly’s here, everybody! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers Teresa Heintz-Kerry…..Maya Rudolph James Carville…..Ben Affleck Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, Florida hotel, night ]
[ SUPER: “Kerry Campaign Stop, South Florida” ]
John Kerry V/O: So, in conclusion, let me restate my position.
[ dissolve to interior hotel room, John Kerry on the phone with Room Service, as his wife, Teresa Heintz-Kerry, sits, watching hopefully ]
John Kerry: I would like to order one B.L.T. and one Caeser salad, with two place settings and a third napkin. I’m John Kerry, and I approved that order. [ hangs up ] Well, Theresa, wasn’t I wonderful in the debate?
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: John.. the election is in thirty-one days.. and we need to make them love you.. the way they love you. Teresa.. Heintz.. Kerry. [ stands to sing ] “Getting to knoooooowwww yoooouu.. getting to know all abooooouut yoooouuu!”
[ James Carville barges into the room ]
James Carville: Aw, now, cut out that singing there, Teresa!
John Kerry: James Carville!
James Carville: That’s right, that’s right. Teresa, we got voters out there, and you sound crazier than a tomcat in a bag of squirrels! We can’t have that now.
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: James, you are the best! [ rubs Carville’s bald head ] Come on!
John Kerry: So, tell us, James – are you here to congratulate me on my debate performance, or is your visit serendipitous?
James Carville: Serendipitous? John, you use to many words! Don’t get too excited! Now, you beat George Bush in a talkin’ contest, that’s like Wilt Chamberlain playing basketball against Stephen Hawking and beatin’ him by two points! The man can’t talk, John!
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: [ enthusiastically ] Ooh! This is exciting! I’m so glad we’re running for President! [ her enthusiasm unreturned, she shrinks into the background ]
James Carville: John.. [ sighs ] We gotta get your more tough, you know what I’m sayin’? We gotta get you more.. more Republican! Give you some edge, you know? They say you a flip-flopper! What you say back?
John Kerry: Well, I’d try to explain that my voting record has many nuances —
James Carville: [ interrupting ] Whoa, ah, I just fell asleep! And when I woke up, you lost the whole election right there! now.. now, try this. You call me a flip-flopper!
John Kerry: You’re a flip-flopper.
Teresa Heintz-Kerry: No, I’m not! Next question!
John Kerry: Now, James, I am gaining in the polls.
James Carville: Yeah, you did good, but you gotta do better! Your advisors tell you to be more human, what do ya’ do? You go wind surfing. You want to be more human, you got to do people things! Play baseball, drive a car, use a telephone. We got wind blowin’ down people’s homes in Florida, and what John Kerry doin’ with that wind? He’s surfin’ on it, havin’ a grand ol’ time!
John Kerry: Now, now. that’s not entirely fair.
James Carville: Hey, hey, Democrats always want fair! I told ya’, we gotta get more Republican! Dick Chenrey goes on TV, says that if people vote for you, we gonna get hit by terrorists. Let me tell you what I would do if Dick Cheney said something like that about me? alright? I’d go to his house in the wintertime, fill his basement with water, kick in all the windows, let it freeze solid like a rock! Alright? Then the ice expands, his whole house a-crumble down around him, I’d just be sittin’ up there on a hill laughin’ at him: “Ha ha, look at you, Dick Cheney! Lookit!” What you do about it, John Kerry? Nothin’!
John Kerry: Now, just a moment —
James Carville: And another thing – please, God almighty, if you go the Pottery Barn, it’s not “You break it, you fix it.” Why the hell you say that? Have you ever been to a Pottery Barn?!
John Kerry: No, no, I’ve never been there.
James Carville: Of course not!
[ a knock sounds on the hotel room door ]
John Kerry: [ happily ] Ahhhh, our sustanance has arrived!
James Carville: It’s room service, John! Use the small words!
[ the door opens, and former President Bill Clinton, dressed in a Hawaiian flower shirt, enters pushing a room service cart ]
Bill Clinton: [ looking off-screen ] I’ve got it from here, Consuela! Stay sweet! [ enters the room ] Carville, we gotta wrap this up. I want to get back down to that swimming pool.
John Kerry: Bill, I thought you were recuperating?
Bill Clinton: Look, I couldn’t sit around in some hosiptal bed, when there’s so much to be done.
John Kerry: Bill, I don’t need any more campaign advice.
Bill Clinton: Campaign? That’s not why I’m here! I’m in Florida because these hurricanes have put a lot of trailer park ladies on the street. [ nods his head ] And the only thing better than a trailer park girl.. is one.. that.. is.. desperate! And, one that is wet. [ moves close to Teresa ] What’s up, buttercup?
John Kerry: Hey, hey, watch it, Bill! That’s my wife you’re talking to!
[ John and Teresa begin to caress one another, in a way best described by James Carville: ]
James Carville: Oh, now. Lord have mercy, John. Watchin’ you two show affection’s like watchin’ two lobsters in a kung fu movie.
Bill Clinton: I.. [ chuckles ] I agree!
James Carville: I thought you might.
Bill Clinton: [ moves closer to Teresa again ] Teresa Heintz, you are a firecracker. I can think of 57 varieties of things I’d like to do to you!
John Kerry: Bill!
Bill Clinton: And I would do it with relish.
John Kerry: Bill, I am begging you!
Bill Clinton: You can run, Teresa.. but I’ll catch up! [ laughs out loud at his own joke ] You know, I know that was bad, James, but it felt so damn good!
James Carville: [ laughs ] That was hilarious. But now’s not the time laughin’ and goofin’ around and all. [ to John Kerry ] Zell Miller says you give the troops spitballs to defend themselves. And what did you do? Nothin’. You know what I would do?
John Kerry: You’d fill his basement with water.
James Carville: No, no, no! See, now, I already did that, they’d know it was me! Alright? I’d go to Zell Miller’s house, when he’s not there. And I’d steal everything but his camera and a toothbrush. A couple of weeks later, he goes to pick up his pictures at the Photomat, you know what happens? [ zestfully ] I jump out from behind a tree and hit him with a baseball bat! That’s right, make him think twice about goin’ after Jimmy Carville there!
Bill Clinton: I have only one thing to say: Trust.. this.. man. Now, John.. if I can give you one piece of advice from my life in politics, one thing I could change, it is this: ditch the wife. [ turns toward the door ] Come on, Carville – grab the cart.
James Carville: You got it, Mr. President.
[ Clinton exits the hotel room, as Carville pushes the cart out the door ]
(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says “Happy 35th Ronnie!”)
All: Happy birthday to you!
Friend #1: Make a wish!
(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells “Yay!”)
Friend #2: What’d you wish for?
Ronnie: Can’t tell ya; it won’t come true!
Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!
Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)
Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I’d wish they’d release the British hostage in Iraq.
(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s pained demeanor)
Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day Everything’s going your way Then along comes Debbie Downer Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease A car accident or killer bees You’ll beg her to spare you Debbie, please! But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!
Ronnie’s Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!
Ronnie: All right, here’s a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday…my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.
Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne’s out of the picture.
Friend #1: Jeanne? Who’s Jeanne?
Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They’re still counting the fatalities in Haiti.
(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)
Ronnie’s Wife: Um…you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)
Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!
Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I’ll do it.
Debbie: First it was Cha–
Friend #1: All right!
Debbie: First it was Charley…
(wah wah)
Debbie: Then Frances.
(wah wah)
Debbie: Ivan.
(wah wah)
Debbie: And Jeanne.
(wah wah)
Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl’s got in store?
(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie’s face)
(pained expressions by other partygoers)
Friend #1: Okay! Why don’t you open mine first?
Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let’s see what we got here….Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.
Debbie: Oh…I haven’t been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)
(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)
Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?
Ronnie’s Uncle: It’s mine, there, Ronnie.
Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well…what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod…thank you so much.
Ronnie’s Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.
Ronnie: You know…we should go Saturday!
Ronnie’s Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!
Ronnie: Wouldn’t that be fun?
Ronnie’s Uncle: Done deal.
(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)
Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don’t cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.
(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an “unsure” facial expression)
Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what’d you get your sweetie for his birthday?
Ronnie’s Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!
Ronnie: Yeah. It’s gonna be incredible.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah!
Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s worried facial expression)
Ronnie: We’re not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah. We’re going to see elephants in their natural habitat.
Debbie: Well, that’s cool. See ’em now…populations are dwindling.
(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)
Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!
Ronnie’s Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.
Ronnie: Yeah, I’m excited.
Ronnie’s Wife: Yeah.
Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?
Friend #1: What?
Debbie: Well, if I don’t get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.
(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)
(everyone looks pissed off)
Debbie: By the way, it’s official — they’ve located my birth mother. Deceased.
(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)
Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum…I didn’t say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.
Debbie: (shakes finger) It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)
Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh…I gotta get a drink.
Ronnie’s Wife: Honey, no! The party’s just starting. We are taking you dancing.
Friend #1: Yeah, let’s go! *everyone jumps up*
Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can’t stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man’s coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.
(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie’s half-grin)
(end title card)
Jingle: “No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!” (wahhh wah)
Amy Poehler…..Bride Rob Riggle…..Groom Ben Affleck…..DJ Ranger Fred Armisen…..Father Matachuck Will Forte…..Brian
Bride: I love you.
Groom: I love you.
DJ Ranger: What up? Hey there lovebirds I’m all set up over in my booth so when y’all ready DJ Ranger is gonna get this party started, alright y’all just holla back to me now.
Bride: Ok.
DJ Ranger: Feel me.
Bride: Is this the DJ we decided on?
Groom: Yeah, he came with the ballroom.
Bride: Ok, well um I think we’re gonna say grace and then we’re gonna have dinner before the dancing and everything.
DJ Ranger: Alright, well believe me I know how all this goes, I’ve done literally mizzillions of wizzeddings, you know what I’m talking about.
Groom: wizzedding, what’s a wizzedding?
Bride: I’m not sure.
DJ Ranger: alright, hello ballroom B this is DJ Ranger and y’all are in danger, bads and the loudies are in the house tonight let me hear you!(pause for applause) Come on now you can do better than that let me here ya! (pause for applause) Alright its benediction time. Y’all ready top prizzay? Who’s your daddy? It’s Father Matachuck, check it out here it comes.
(Father comes in)
DJ Ranger: alright Father it’s time to bring it down on a real tip we’re gonna get serious with a prayer, alright break âem off father.
Father Matachuck: Dear Lord, let us pray.
(“Sister Christian” plays)
Father Matachuck: Father, please bless this beautiful young couple as they start their new lives together teach them patience and love for one another, and bless this food so it will nourish our bodies amen.
Bride: Amen
DJ Ranger: Woo! “Motoring,” there it is “What’s Your Price for Flight,” lalalala, let’s hear it for Father Matachuck, break him off, break him off, alright Father stay away from the kiddy tables alright, I’m just playing, I’m just playing. Alright, listen, the name of the game is suck and blow alright everybody at the table, y’all grab a napkin, right.
Groom: Hey, hey, hey.
DJ Ranger: Yo, what up?
Groom: Uh, look we kinda want this wedding to be more chill so maybe no games or shout outs, cool?
DJ Ranger: Alright, that’s cool. Alright sorry everybody looks like the bride and groom wanna leave suck and blow for the honeymoon, swizzle! Ok, I’m playing I’m playing. Yo seriously y’all, its time to toast yo. Let’s welcome the best man, Ashley’s little brother Brian. Yo, B-boy get up in this buu, give the speech, give the speech.
Brian: Thank you, what a wonderful day we’ve all had so far we’re all excited for the new Mrs. and Mr. Baird, nobody more so than Mom, whose looking down from heaven, uh.
(“Wild Thing” starts playing)
Brian: Mom would have been so proud of you today, Ashley and you look so beautiful in her wedding dress, you know if mom could be here today I know what she would say,(to DJ) can you cut it please, can you please cut this?
DJ Ranger: Alright.
Brian: Thank you, thank you very much, anyway uh Mom wrote a poem before she passed and she asked me to read on your wedding day so uh here it is: an angel is a smile that fate,
(siren blazes)
DJ Ranger: Uh-oh somebody just set off the booty alarm!
Brian: Dude, I’m trying to read a poem written by my dead mother.
DJ Ranger: I know but someone set off the booty alarm, yo!
Brian: Oh, forget it!
DJ Ranger: Alright, I can feel it’s time to get movin’ and groovin’, dancin’ for the first time as husband and wife to a song they selected Joel and Ashley Baird, hit it.
(“Who Let the Dogs Out” starts playing)
Bride: What? This isn’t our song!
DJ Ranger: Sure about that?
Bride: Yeah I’m sure, we wanted that Norah Jones song.
DJ Ranger: Norah Jones?
Bride: Yeah, we can’t dance to this, we need a slow song.
DJ Ranger: Alright, check it!
(DJ slows down the record, starts dancing suggestively behind the bride)
Bride: This is awful!
Groom: Honey, just ignore him; come on now sweetie, this is our wedding alright just look at me alright. We’re married, that’s all that matters, ok dude that’s enough.
Bride: I told you we should have gotten a band!
Groom: No you didn’t.
Bride: Yes I did.
Groom: Maybe in your head you did.
Bride: What’s that suppose to mean?
DJ Ranger: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, their first fight as a married couple! Can you feel it? Its electric boogie woogie woogie woogie woogie!
(Electric slide song starts playing, DJ starts dancing)
Bride: Oh my god!
Groom: Ashley, honey, sweetie, wait!
DJ Ranger: For this next song, I need all the bride’s friends to take off their bras!
Air Date:
