SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Billy Joel

Girl 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Girl 2…..Amy Poehler
Girl 3…..Tina Fey
Girl 4…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Joel…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)

Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.

Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!

Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?

Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.

Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?

(Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)

Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?

Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)

Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.

Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.

Girl 3: You look really familiar.

Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”

Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.

Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)

Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?

Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.

Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)

Girl 1: What are you doing?

Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)

Girl 1: You know…

Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!

Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?

Girls: DOG!!!

Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)

Girl 2: What?!

Girl 4: Do something!!

Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!

Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

(Billy wakes up)

Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?

Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!

Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)

Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!

Girl 1: You should be in jail!!

Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!

Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!

(The girls all change their tunes)

Girls: Oooohhh!

Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….

(They all get of the car towards the party)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

17th Annual Adult Movie Awards

Ron Jeremy…..Horatio Sanz

[ open with NBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching NBC, America’s #1 television network!

Disclaimer: ..among adults, 24 to 26, in non-metropolitan areas.

[ dissolve to awards show montage reel ]

Announcer: Live, from the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.. it’s the 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards. Featuring appearances by..

Ron Jeremy..

Jenna Jameson..

Phil McCracken..

Urethra Franklin..

Betty Balzac and the Betty Balzac Dancers..

Jeremy Piven..

Dick Petersworth..

Dick Prong..

Dick Mcfeelie..

Dick Vhanes..

Dick Spitz..

Dick Rod..

Rod Dick..

Bill Mahar and “The Teabagger”..

Dick “The Penis” McPherson..

Jimmy Kimmel..

Rusty Tailpipe..

Krystal Ballz..

Tawny Kooter..

Rumple Foreskin..

Misty Britches..

Mary Hole..

“Saturday Night Live”‘s Darrell Hammond..

..and Maggie Gyllenballs.

[ dissolve to the awards stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. your host for the evening – Rom Jeremy!

[ Ron Jeremy, in dark blazer and tropical shirt, steps up to the podium ]

Ron Jeremy: Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome, once again, to the 17th —

[ the awards are cut off ]

Announcer: [ over matching SUPER ] “Due to heightened sensitivity and the threat of FCC fines, NBC regrets to inform our audience that certain portions of the Adult Film Awards have been deemed unsuitable for broadcast. We apologize for any inconvenience. We now rejoin the program.”

[ cut back to the awards, Ron Jeremy at the podium in only his tropical shirt and flanked by three porn actresses ]

Ron Jeremy: Well, that’s our show! [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching, everybody, we’ll see you next year!

[ dissolve to NBC logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 1st, 2004

Lindsay Lohan

Usher

None

Ludacris 9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn’t apologize to Chris Parnell.

Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston.

Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film “Mean Girls”, written by Tina Fey.

Also Hosted: 04t, 05p.

Transcript

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who’s moving in.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.

Transcript

Hogwart’s AcademySummary: Hermione’s (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter.

Transcript

Billy JoelSummary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons’ party.

Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle.

Transcript

Usher, with Ludacris, performs “Yeah”Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

Club TraxxSummary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio.

Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard.

Transcript

The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson.

Transcript

Usher performs “Burn”

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CheerleadersSummary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.

The BathtubSummary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Spy GlassSummary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Dr. Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Eubanks…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In response to a request by the 9/11 commission, the White House agreed to declassify the President’s daily intelligence briefing from August 6, 2001, entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” The committee also wants to see the August 20th briefing, “No, Seriously, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States,” and the one from the 26th, “Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.”

Parts of the August sixth memo were just declassified hours ago. Here’s a look of the cover page, with the President’s notes.

[picture of the cover page with sloppy notes written on it, including several games of tic-tac-toe, and the word “GAY” with an arrow pointed towards “Bin Laden,” as well as “Ozzy Rules!” and “I love Condo-Lisa”]

Looks like, um, he was on top of things. That’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: The Jewish holiday Passover began Monday. At Seder tables everywhere, uh, Jews uttered the phrase “Next year in Jerusalem,” where Jews in Jerusalem uttered the phrase, “Get me the hell out of here.”

Tina Fey: While questioning Condoleeza Rice during Thursday’s hearings, Democrat Bob Kerrey mistakenly addressed her as “Dr. Clarke,” and then, even more embarrassingly, as “Omarosa.”

In response to the escalating violence this week in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops, and will actually add reinforcements to the South. So then, in a symbolic gesture, he pulled down the “Mission Accomplished” banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter, and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier.

Jimmy Fallon: A, uh- a Ringling Brothers Circus daredevil shocked the crowd at Madison Square Garden Tuesday, when he slipped off a high wire and plunged more than thirty feet to the ground. The trick was called the “Howard Dean.”

To make matters worse, when the paramedics showed up, there was no room in the ambulance. Absolutely terrible, terrible evening at the circus. [picture of small ambulance filled with clowns; some applause]

Tina Fey: The big story this week was Condoleeza Rice’s testimony before the committee to investigate pre-9/11 intelligence failures. Here now with further comment is Condoleeza Rice. [pan to Dr. Rice]

[SUPER: “Dr. Condoleeza Rice / National Security Advisor”]

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: [in a serious tone] Hello Tina, Jimmy. Thank you for this opportunity to further discuss these issues. Tina, as I have said, there was no “silver bullet” that would have prevented the attacks. Richard Clarke did issue that memo, and I did read it. But it was purely an historical document, not a plan to prevent the tragedy from occurring.

Tina Fey: Well, you know, Dr. Rice, your testimony in front of the commission was all done under oath, but this is, uh, this is all strictly off the record here.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: Oh, off the record?

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: OK, here’s what went down. I got that memo, and I was like, oh, brudder. So I went right into the President’s office, and I was like, “Hey, dude! You have to read this!” And he was just like, uhhh, duhhhh.

And I go, “Mr. President, this could be really important!” And he’s like, uhhh, duhhhh.

Tina Fey: So you never got him to read it?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: No! Do you know how hard it is to get him off that treadmill once he gets going? He’s, like, a hamster in a little wheel! Then- then he goes, [squinting] “Show it to Cheney.”

So I head over to Heart Attack Jones’ office, and he’s like, [imitating a robot] “Reep-ropp-ropp-roop-roop-roop. Show it to Fleischer.”

Tina Fey: So did you try anyone else? Did you try Fleischer?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: I took it to Ari Fleischer, but when I got to his office there was a scrunchie on his doorknob, which meant his j-date had gone very well. I- I couldn’t get anyone to read it, it was hopeless!

Tina Fey: So they all ignored it. Why did you cover for them?

Dr. Condoleeza Rice: On the record? [seriously] Because I believe in the vision of this administration, and want to help them bring democracy to the world.

Off the record? [hand to her mouth] They bought me a Range Rover and promised me VP in ’08, y’all! Bye!

Tina Fey: Condie Rice, everyone! [applause] Condoleeza Rice, one of two, equally delightful-[referring to a previous sketch in which Dr. Rice was played by host Janet Jackson]

Jimmy Fallon: It is rumored that Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. Apparently they were seen holding genitals in public.

Tina Fey: This Wednesday marked the 100th anniversary of New York’s Times Square. To celebrate, a bunch of tourists got in everyone’s way. [applause]

While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet whether Arnold knew that the swimmer was drowning, or if this was just a groping gone good.

Jimmy Fallon: The son of Libyan leader Moammar Kadaffi has invited Jews who were kicked out of his country in 1967 to come back, saying that Libya is their country, and their original homeland. A spokesman for Jews responded, [clarinet music plays; Jimmy imitates Woody Allen] “You know, I- I’d love to, you know, but I’ve already got plans to time travel back to Nazi Germany.” [applause]

Tina Fey: Bravo- [cracks up] Bravo is planning a spinoff of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl,” in which a group of gay men will help a heterosexual woman confirm her fears that she’s fat and disgusting.

Jennifer Lopez will be interviewed by James Lipton on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Even for James Lipton, that’s gonna be a lot of ass to kiss. [some applause]

The renowned Carnegie Deli in New York City failed its third health inspection in three months this week.

Jimmy Fallon: Aww man, I love the Carnegie! That- that’s where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: You know- you know they got a sandwich named after me, uh, the Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Yeah, it’s 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut.

[Cut to Kevin Eubanks, suddenly sitting next to Jimmy, holding his guitar]

Kevin Eubanks: [extended laughter] Oh, snap! Ha! Oh man, Jimmy! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow, hilarious. Kevin Eubanks from “The Tonight Show,” everybody! [applause] Hilarious! That actually made you-

Kevin Eubanks: She got you, Jimmy! Ha! She got- 170 pounds of ham! [laughter]

Jimmy Fallon: That got you! That got you, been crackin’ you up, man. Hey, what are you, uh, what are you doing here, buddy?

Kevin Eubanks: I just can’t take it anymore! [laughs] I’m gonna snap, man! [laughs] I’m gonna snap!

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Eubanks, everybody! [applause] Good to see you, man!

Tina Fey: [picture of Victoria’s Secret advertisement featuring Bob Dylan and a young girl] I think I finally figured out the message of the new Victoria’s Secret commercial. Buy our lingerie, or Bob Dylan will kill this model.

Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded Ikea, has overtaken Bill Gates as the world’s richest man, with a fortune of 53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to finally buy some nice furniture. [some applause]

Jimmy Fallon: On Tuesday, the Alabama senate voted to make whiskey the official state spirit. This replaces Alabama’s old official state spirit: racism. [some applause]

Tina Fey: It was reported- [pause] It was reported that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are trying to have a third child together. Ugh, Michael Douglas, we get it! Your junk still works! Leave that poor lady alone!

Dutch eye surgeons have created “Jewel Eye,” which is a tiny bobble that is implanted in the thin membrane in front of the eyeball, which, though gross, is still better than Jewel teeth. [picture of pop singer Jewel and her bad teeth]

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second! Wait a second. Jewel Eye?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye! That’s my favorite James Bond film!

[reaches to pick up a cordless microphone, stands up, and waves the mic like James Bond waving a gun. Bond movie-style music plays]

“Jewel Eye
Watch out for that thing in her eye
Mean guy
Gonna build a bomb, take away our jewels
Jewel Eyeeeee-yieeee, yeah!”

[applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye…

Tina Fey: Jewel Eye…

[fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

9/11 Briefing

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeze Rice…..Janet Jackson
Kean…..

[ open on front exterior, White House ]

[ SUPER: “Thursday 8:00 am EDT” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President’s office, Dick Cheney on the phone with the President ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleeza testifies this morning. You’re right, she does have nothing to hide – that you know of. [ a pause ] What’s that? You have an idea? A new nickname for Kerry? [ a pause ] Flippy? ‘Cause he flip-flops. Th-th-that’s good. [ a pause ] Flippy the Flip-Flopper? Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, Floppy is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I’ll await your decision, sir. But right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so — [ a beat ] She should try to work in “Flippy”? Alright, sir, she’s coming in. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

[ Condoleeze Rice enters ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, Condi! It’s a big day. Please sit down.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes.. I —

Vice-President Dick Cheney: This is wonderful.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice-President, it is.. and, frankly, I’m still a little concerned about testifying in public.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Ah, it’s a piece of cake. You’re well-prepared. It’s all attitude. Just keep it upbeat, show me that Condi smile.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles, gap-tooth in check ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That’s perfect! Show me the sneer, when a Democrat gets too specific!

Condoleeza Rice: [ sneers ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That is excellent! You’re incredulous!

Condoleeza Rice: [ makes a stone-face ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good. Good, good. Now, smile!

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide, gap tooth showing ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] Condi, you are all set!

Condoleeza Rice: Really?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, uh.. here are a couple of words just to drop in anywhere. Uh.. “Systemic”.. “Historical”.. “Actionable”.. “Flippy the Flip-Flopper”. Work those in.

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I’m still not certain how to address some of these facts.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Two words: “It’s classified!” ] chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: But they have information, like the titles of the President’s briefing on August 6th.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No problem. What was that again?

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, that’s bad. Uh.. alright, let’s practice. When they make you say that title, there’s going to be an audible gasp in the room. So you’ve gotta cough – cover up the gasp. Okay, let’s practice. “Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?”

Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside he United States.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ overdramatizes the audible gasps ]

Condoleeza Rice: [ coughs loudly, yet politely, into her hand ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: By God, that was good! But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer that that, so just count to 5 Mississippi.

Condoleeza Rice: Okay.. in fact, but does it work?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: “Dick Clarke does heroin!” [ chuckles ]

Condoleeza Rice: What?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time junkie! Popular guy in Thailansd.

Condoleeza Rice: And we can oprove this?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’d love to – but it’s classified!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stunned ] I-I-I’m sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but I-I-I still have my doubts..

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, I know. But, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.

Condoleeza Rice: Yes, please, what is that?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well.. I think you should flash a boob.

Condoleeza Rice: [ dismayed ] Excuse me?

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Just one headlight – real quick! [ chuckles ] See, it does two things – you win over the liberals, plus it’s a distraction for the press. You flash a bosom, I guarantee you that’s going to be the headline – not the Bin Laden thing! I guarantee it!

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I was a Provost at Stanford. I am a concert-level pianist. I’ve read War And Peace in original Russian.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, loosen up, Condi, we’re talking about one fun bag! It’s perfectly natural!

Condoleeza Rice: [ stands ] I am not a prude, sir. But this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct. There are other forums – like pay television, or national sporting championships. That would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was Ashcroft’s idea. [ chuckles ] Condi.. you’re going to be fine.

Condoleeza Rice: Thank you, sir. [ exits office ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ leans back in his chair ] Ooh, boy.. oh, boy..

[ dissolve to Hart Senate Office Building ]

[ dissolve to CNN footage of the investigation ]

[ SUPER: “9/11 Investigation – Kean Interviews Condoleeza Rice” ]

Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance and your service.

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide ]

Kean: I have a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office, you’d just been through a very difficult campaign .. you walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about al-Qaida should be our number-one priority .. What did you think, and what did you tell the president, as you get that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?

Condoleeza Rice: [ stammers, then pulls her shirt open, pixellated boob exposed ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

The Prince Show

Prince…..Fred Armisen
Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph
Paula Abdul…..Janet Jackson
Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson

Prince: Dearly beloved we are gathered her to get through this thing called my talk show. So dig if you will my co-host Miss Beyonce’ Knowles.

Beyonce: (singing) “Prince Show.”

Prince: (singing) “Everybody wants to be free.”

Beyonce: “The Prince Show.”

Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”

Beyonce: “It’s the Prince Show.”

Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”

Both:
“Jump in under the waterfall
And climb the rainbow tree.”

(Prince whispers into Beyonce’s ear she interprets)

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to know that he is excited about the show. He is, too, but He is too shy.

Voiceover: “The Prince Show,” with co-host Beyonce.

(The music continues, next we see Prince setting in a purple chair with Beyonce standing beside him.)

Prince: My first guest is forever my girl… please welcome Miss Paula Abdul.

Paula Abdul: Prince, your energy is wonderful to be around you are a true star. Don’t ever let anyone ever tell you any different.

Beyonce: Paula, your talking has scared Prince.

Paula Abdul: I’m sorry I just wanted him to know how charged up I was to be here

Prince: So, Paula, I wonder do you miss cheerleading?

Paula Abdul: Uhm, that is a tough one. I definately miss cheerleading. But, I don’t miss being not famous.

Prince: Paula, do you think a lover can be a friend?

Paula Abdul: As long as both spirits and energies match, it will work. They also need to not go through each other’s mail. Cuz that happened to me once and (said through clenched teeth) I WENT OFF!!!! (looks around) Where did Prince go?

Beyonce: Set still, Paula. Prince wants to paint your picture

Paula Abdul: I would be honored. I, I would be so, I would be so honored. Should I do one of my famous dance poses?

Beyonce: Uh, no. Prince wants you to go stand in that clam.

Paula Abdul: That one back there?

Beyonce: Uh huh, and Prince wants you to hold on to this giant pearl, too.

Paula Abdul: This pearl is beautiful. (big smile) And so unique.

Prince: Every court has a jester, and in My kingdom it’s Mr. Steve Harvey.

Steve Harvey: Heh heh heh woo heh heh heh! Now look, I don’t know about you but, I was at a Starbuck’s yesterday waiting in the line….. See Beyonce knows what I’m talking about. (Prince and Beyonce stare with blank looks on their faces) Anyway, I was behind a girl that had a butt that was SO big!

Prince: How big was it?

Steve Harvey: Her butt was so big people, mistaked it for a counter. I mean they were resting they coffees ON IT. It was a tip jar ON IT. People was putting they milk and Sugar ON IT. Doing up they coffee ON IT.

Paula Abdul: (from the clam still holding the giant pearl) You are a true gem. Your funny is so unique to you.

Beyonce: Uh oh, Prince has put on his wonder mask. Prince what do you see?

Prince: (singing)
“I see Rhonda and Kathy in the river
I see Kirk jammin’ in the studio
I seeeeeeeeee Tonie enjoying herself in the mirror
I see Suzanne in the nude eating cherries.”

Steve Harvey: Hey um, do you see me in there anywhere?

Prince: (still singing) “And I see Steve Harvey eating chips on his couch in his boxers.”

Steve Harvey: (interrupting) Heh heh, the thing about boxers they don’t support your stuff you be flappin’ around….. (looks around) Where, where did Prince go?

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to see him cry. But don’t worry, it’s tears of joy, ‘cuz there is so much beauty in the world.

Prince: (music and Prince”crying” Prince pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his tears)

Paula Abdul: Excuse me.. (trying not to laugh) How long do I have to stand here and hold this? (breaking character by laughing)

Prince: Until you become delirious……. I’m through with this!

(Prince Show theme playing)

Beyonce: (Singing) “Prince Show.”

Prince: “Everyone wants to be free.”

Beyonce: “It’s Prince, YO!”

Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”

Beyonce: “It’s Prince, oh.”

Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”

Prince, Beyonce & Paula Abdul: (singing)
“Jump in under the waterfall
And climb the rainbow tree.”

Steve Harvey: The rainbow tree.

Submitted by: Terry G. Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson’s Monologue

…..Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson: Thank you, it’s really great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s really been an exciting year for me, so uh.. did anybody happen to see the Superbowl? [ audience cheers wildly ] Thank you, I was afraid of that.

You know, the one reason why I wanted to do this show was so that people would see that I’m a regular person. And that my family was jsut an average family, no different than yours. I can prove this – I brought some old home movies. Would you guys want to see them? [ audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah?

[ cut to old home movie footage of a little girl twirling in circles in a ballet costume ]

Janet Jackson V/O: Okay. Here I am – see, I took ballet, just like a normal little girl. I think my moves were pretty good, you know, for a little kid. It was fun —

[ camera pans right to show the Jackson Five practicing in the living room ]

Janet Jackson V/O: Oh – that’s right. My brothers, they had this band. I-I completely forgot about that.

[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]

Janet Jackson: You know, just typical brothers. We were just like any other family.

[ cut to more home movie footage of the siblings are clowning around together on the couch ]

Janet Jackson V/O: Oh, look! There we are, altogether. There’s me.. and Reebie.. and Jackie.. and Tito.. and Jermaine.. LaToya.. and Marlon.. and Randy.. and Michael..

[ camera cuts to an additional three children on the couch ]

Oh. Well.. we actually had three other siblings, and.. I don’t know their names, I.. never really talked to them, you know? They kind of freaked me out a little.

[ camera cuts to Jackson as a young girl sitting in an outdoor baby pool ]

Janet Jackson V/O: Oh! Here’s a really cute one, this is a really old one. Here I am, playing in the pool..

[ the strap of Jackson’s bathing suit top snaps, exposing her childlike bosom ]

[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]

Janet Jackson: It’s a little swimsuit malfunction.

We have a great show for you tonight. The musical guest is someone you’re really going to enjoy. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson Concert Line

Starkisha…..Finesse Mitchell
Appreciante…..Maya Rudolph
Escalante…..Janet Jackson
White man…..Chris Parnell
White woman…..Amy Poehler
Black man…..Kenan Thompson
Ticket Girl…..Rachel Dratch

Starkisha: ooh girl We gonna see us some Janet Jackson

Appreciante: Starkisha, you know I’m her biggest FAN

Starkisha: girl please, Im her biggest fan cuz I got all her albums on cassette

(crowd pushing around)

Starkishia: Excuse YOU, no you didn’t

White man: I am so sorry, so sorry the croud pushed me into you I promice it was an accident.

White woman: yes, even thought you cut in line, it was an accident

Starkisha: well, did the crowd make you grab my butt like that?

White man: excuse me I did no such thing … honey she is lying!

Starkisha: I knew you could’ t resist because this bootie heree is a white-boys magnent

Appreciante: uh oh, Say your Name

Starkisha: (Singing)
“I say my name is StarkishaMy booties soft to touch the girls think I’m janet ‘cuz they like to miss me muchthey miss me mu-u-uch.”

Appreciante & Starkisha: (singing)
“I Can miss you much!”
(doing the dance rutine from Miss U Much viedo)

Appreciante & Starkisha: ooh ooh we next we next

Ticket girl: Next please.

Starkisha: 3 tickets to see Janet Jackson please

Ticket girl: Im sorry the upper level seats are SOLD OUT.

Starkisha: What makes you think we want to sit in the upper level seats?

Appreciante: That’s raticial.

Ticket girl: We do have floor seats still avalible. 5th row center

Starkisha: oh no 5th row Appreciante uuuuuuuuh uuuuuuuuuuuh (high fiving)

Appreciante: How much are doze?

Ticket girl: uhh 250 dollars a piece.

Starkisha: come here- (ticket girl comes close to the window Starkishia smacks it) two hundred and fiffy dollars. Girl you must be on crack. Now for two fiffy I better see Janet, Michael, Tito, Reebie, LaToya, Samuel L. Jackson better be on the drums and Rev Jessie Jackson better be shaken a tamboreen. Cuz all I’m gonna give you is an Andrew Jackson. What you got for that?

Escalante: Hey yall, wassup wassup wassup?

Starkisha & Appreciante: Hey Escalante wassup?

Escalante: we at the front of the line already

White man: (raises hands in the air) aruggggg

Starkisha: Escalante now where have you been cuz it don’t take that long to park no car?

Escalante: Awe girl, I know. I saw Travis and he wuz followin me. So I had to drive arroun until I lost him

White woman: gosh. Is Travis an ex-boyfriend that is stalking you or something? I-I had one of those

Escalante: No Travis is the repo man trying to take my ’92 centra, and Stay out my business—O K (pause) We get some tickets yet? We Get some tickets, y’all?

White man: uh, NO They havent

Escalante: Well, Im gettn mine cuz I luz me some Janet! (singing Pleasure Principal) Pleasure principal Uhoooooooo Uhoooooooo HAAAAAAAY

Starkisha: hode up but hode up but hode up but the tickets are two fiffy dollas.

Escalante: You jokin, right, Janet did bumped her head if she think Escolantae’ gonna payn two fiffy. She ain’t all that.

Starkisha: SHE AIN’T ALL THAT!

Appreciante: Shore ain’t!

Escalante: you know I heard that she was seceretly had a baby and sold it to her brother Jackie.

Both: faareal

Escalante: I also heard she s secretly got married to Jermaine DuPree while she was still secretly married to that Riecko Suave’ man.

Both: oooh faareal

White Woman: oh really? is that true? That is so unbelieveable.

White man: honey don’t

Escalante: and I also heard she took two aher ribs outta her waist just to make it smaller

Starkisha: Now that aint true.

Appreciante: I herd it too

White woman: yes that is true it is true I have heard that also

Escalante: I also heard that she and Michael are the same person

Starkisha: no see that would explane the ticket price (hit window)

White man: what about that super bowl incident? That’s…..

Starkisha: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (right up in the White man’s ear)

Escalante: WHO CARES!! I’m so tired of that

White man honey lets go we willjust get our tickest online

White woman: Sweetheart, please! I am hanging with my “PEEPS”

White man: (to the black man) Excuse me sir can you help us out?

Black man: Look no man, I don’t know them.

White man: well um could you please…..

Black man: Look, no I am just as afraid of people like that as you are.

White man: allright ok fine. Fine. Fine.

Escalante: I’m leavin she aint all that Janet aint all that She is Trippin

Starkisha: SHE IS TRIPPEN!!

Appreciante: TRRRIIIPPPEN!

Passerby: I’ve got one ticket back row 20 bucks

Starkisha, Escalante, Appreciante: ooh give me that ticket (all running after the man yelling)

Submitted by: Terry G. Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Good Times

Florida…..Kenan Thompson
JJ…..J.B. Smoove
Thelma…..Maya Rudolph
Michael…..Finesse Mitchell
Bookman…..Tracy Morgan
Penny…..Janet Jackson
Willona…..Maya Rudolph
Dick Whiteman…..Chris Parnell

[A shortened version of the “Good Times” intro plays, fades into scene with family in living room ]

Michael: Mama, did you know that Malcolm X said that all of us are black first, and everything else second?

Florida: Michael Evans, you are behind on your chores first, and about to get whooped second.

[knock on door]

Thelma: I got it, ma.

JJ: Careful, Thelma. It might be the dogcatcher. Ha-ha-ha. Dy-No-Myte!

[Thelma answers the door to reveal Bookman]

Thelma: Can I help you, Bookman?

Bookman: I need your rent. Oh, is that cornbread I smell? That sure would go good with this chili.

Thelma: Would it go with the buffalo meat from your buffalo butt?

Florida: Now Thelma, behave. I have the rent money right here…..[reaches to box over the refrigerator, and finds box empty] What! Oh my goodness! What happened to the rent money?

[canned audience groaning]

Thelma: Ma, we know you was worried about money. So JJ had the idea that we should use what we had to buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

Florida: What?!

Thelma: I should have known it was a stupid idea when I heard it coming out of JJ’s fat mouth!

[Thelma cries and runs out of room]

JJ: I’m telling you mama, the lottery is our ticket out of the ghet-to, and into the lim-o. [ shows Florida a string of green lottery tickets ] Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bookman: Yeah? Well you better have that money by 5:00, or you’re gonna be evicted. [exits]

Florida: Damn. Damn! Damn!!

Penny: [enters room] Hi, Mrs. Evans.

Florida: Oh hello Penny. How was school?

Penny: Well, we actually didn’t have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed. Hey, Michael got a letter from the scholarship committee. Open it, Michael.

[Michael opens envelope]

Michael: Mama, I got it. A full scholarship to attend the St. Bartholomew’s school for boys.

Florida: OH! Hallelujah! That’s some good news! [kisses portrait of black Jesus; it falls, but Florida catches it and puts it on top of the refrigerator] I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m so proud of you baby. Mm-mm-mm. [ Spots Penny getting crackers from a box on the kitchen table] Penny, what are you up to over there?

Penny: I was just getting some crackers for my new pet, Mr. Stinky.

[Penny pulls out a giant, obviously fake rat]

Penny: I found him in the bed last night. Do you think that Willona will let me keep him?

Florida: Penny, there are rats in your bed?

[Willona enters]

Willona: I had a rat in my bed last night, but he was 6 foot tall with a moustache.

Michael: Did you have a date last night, Willona?

Willona: I sure did, Grandpa. He’s a bus driver for the CTA, and believe me he wanted to “C” some T and A. But I told him this was my stop! [Laughs, then takes off her glasses, revealing a bruised eye, as her voice breaks in sadness] And then he hit me.

Florida: Oh, Willona. [picks up casserole] Damn. Damn! Damn!! [throws it to the ground and picks it up]

[Bookman enters]

Bookman: Where did I leave my- Michael, don’t eat my chili.

Michael: Dr. King says we must all share our chilis like brothers.

Bookman: I’m serious, Michael, don’t eat it….It’s dog food.

Willona: Bookman, you’re eating dog food?

Bookman: I spend all my pay on my wife’s diabetes medicine. [ seriously ] Now y’all better start.. packing, or y’all gonna be living in the dog house.

Michael: Don’t worry momma. Once I graduate from St. Bartholomew’s school, I’ll run for president, and you can come live with me in the Black House. [gives the “black power” salute]

[applause, knock on door]

Florida: Oh, I’ll get it.

Dick Whiteman: Are you Mrs. Evans?

Florida: Well yes, I’m Florida Evans.

Dick Whiteman: I’m Dick Whiteman from the St. Bartholomew’s school. We’ve been looking over Michael’s file, and I’m afraid that we’re going to withdraw his scholarship.

Florida: [gasp] Why on earth?!

Dick Whiteman: It seems Michael checked out a book from the library about a Malcolm 10. And it’s 3 days overdue. We simply can’t have people like that at our school.

Florida: W-wait. What if I were to offer you —

Dick Whiteman: I’m sorry. If he were white, I could overlook it. Goodbye.

[Florida rubs picture of black Jesus]

Florida: Oh lord. We need a miracle now.

JJ: Hey momma, our lottery numbers came in. We just won $50,000!

[all cheer]

Florida: Oh, praise the lord. Where’s that lottery ticket?

[shows rat in front of small pieces of paper]

Penny: Oh no. Mr. Stinky ate the lottery ticket.

Florida: What-wha…

Penny: Oh please don’t get mad at him. He’s my only friend.

[rat squeaks, collapses, and “dies”]

Penny: Oh no! [ picks up “dead” rat ]

JJ: Would this-a be a bad time to tell y’all I got sickle cell?

[scene quickly cuts to the “Good Times” card as the reprise of the opening theme plays] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Goodnights

…..Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson: [ giggling ] Thanks to Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan, and Simon Cowell. You guys, this has been such a wonderful experience, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Thank you so much. Good night!

SNL Transcripts