SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Natalie Logan…..Janet Jackson
Robert Graham…..Will Forte

[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]

Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]

Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…

[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]

Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, we’re going to meet some animals that make us smile when you see them. And I’m very excited about smiling. So let’s get going. Our first guest likes to climb trees and get hit by cars. Please welcome a squirrel!

[Natalie Logan enters and sits, and an assistant places a caged squirrel on the table in front of her]

Brian: And who are you?

Natalie: I am Natalie Logan and I work for the Parks Department in Galveston, Texas.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Natalie: I’d like for you to meet Rufus.

Brian: I like your hat, Rufus.

Natalie: Well, thank you. But I’m Natalie, and the squirrel is Rufus.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!

Natalie: Hello, Brian Fellow.

Brian: That quirrel looks dirty.

Natalie: It’s his coloration. It helps him to blend in with his environment and protects him from animals that hunt squirrels.

Brian: He should use his fuzzy tail as a mustache. Then everyone would think he’s a old man.

Natalie: That’s an interesting idea.

Brian: I don’t need your charity!

Natalie: His tail is very important because it helps him to fly.

Brian: He flies? That’s crazy!

Natalie: Well, actually, it’s not. That’s because he’s a flying squirrel.

Brian: Was that squirrel afraid to fly after 9/11?

Natalie: No, I don’t think he knew about that.

Brian: It was in all the papers.

Natalie: He’s a squirrel. He doesn’t read the paper.

Brian: Well, he should because knowledge is the cornerstone of all democracy.

Natalie: What are you talking about?

Brian: I honestly don’t know. You look cute in that hat, Rufus.

Natalie: Well, thank you, but my name is Natalie.

Brian: So that’s a flying squirrel, right?

Natalie: Yes.

Brian: Why don’t me and you jump on that squirrel and go down to Mexico and go hat shopping together?

Natalie: The squirrel can’t fly that far. Technically, he glides more than he flies.

Brian: Oh, I get it. You think you’re too good for me.

Natalie: No, I didn’t say that.

Brian: I offered you my heart and you spat on it, Rufus.

Natalie: You don’t even know my name.

Brian: Forget it. Take your rat and go.

[Natalie stands and exits, and the assistant removes the cage]

Brian: I am so, so, so sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. Someone’s gonna get fired over that booking. My next guest likes to chew on bones and lick himself. Please welcome a French poodle!

[Robert Graham enters with a French poodle and sits]

Brian: Hey, who are you?

Robert: I’m Robert Graham from the Blacksmith Kennel in Glendale, California.

Brian: I’m Brian Fellow.

Robert: Hi Brian. I’d like you meet Jasmine.

Brian: That’s the biggest cat I ever seen.

Robert: Actually, he’s not the biggest cat you’ve ever seen, because he’s a dog.

Brian: He’s a dog? That’s crazy! He looks fruity.

Robert: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Actually, the male French poodle is one of the most aggressive, masculine dogs.

Brian: Well, it’s always the ones you least expect.

Robert: I guess.

Brian: Excuse me, why does that French dog hate America so much?

Robert: I don’t think he hates America.

Brian: You and that squirrel need to read the paper. If it wasn’t for us, that dog would be barking in German.

Robert: Okay. Well, I’m proud to announce that last week Jasmine won three medals at the prestigious Ventura Dog Show.

Brian: Do they have special Olympics for animals?

Robert: I don’t think so.

Brian: If they did, my goldfish Larry would win. Larry’s not smart, but he tries real hard.

Robert: I bet he does.

Brian: As we all know, the French poodle first came to favor in the court of Louis XIV.

Robert: That’s absolutely right. They were selectively bred for the purpose of creating a regal…

[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]

Natalie: [riding on a large flying squirrel] Hey, Brian Fellow, I changed my mind! Come with me to Mexico and we’ll go shopping for hats!

[dissolve to studio]

Brian: Are you serious?! Are you serious?!

Robert: Yes, I’m serious. Poodles were once used to find truffles!

[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]

Natalie: I think you’re smart, Brian Fellow!

Brian and Natalie: [singing] Up, up and away on my beautiful, my beautiful squirrel!

Natalie: [laughing] Don’t sing Brian, don’t sing.

Brian: Okay.

Natalie: Do you want coffee, tea, or me.

Brian: Shoot, I’ll have a coffee and six sugars.

Natalie: Ooh, I love you, Brian Fellow.

Brian: And I love your hat, Rufus. Kiss me! [puckers lips]

[dissolve to studio, where Brian is puckering his lips at Brian]

Robert: You’re making me uncomfortable. I think I’m gonna leave.

Brian: Well, I’m going to have to stop you right there, because we are out of time. Join us next week when our guests will be a spotted and and his cousin, a spotted ape. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!

[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]

Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17

03q: Janet Jackson

An Easter Treat From Saturday Night Live

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Kattan
…..Simon Cowell

Don Pardo: And now a special Easter treat from Saturday Night Live.

(Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Tracy Morgan, and Chris Kattan step out from behind Easter eggs)

Horatio Sanz: One

Jimmy Fallon: Two

Horatio Sanz: One

Jimmy Fallon: Two

Horatio Sanz: Three

Jimmy Fallon: Four

Horatio Sanz: (music starts)
I don’t care that tomorrow is Easter
Christmas is number one.
I don’t care about colored eggs
Christmas toys are more fun.
I don’t care about marshmallow peeps
The Cadbury bunny gives me the creeps.
I wish it was Christmas today
262 days away.
(music stops)

Jimmy Fallon: Well, What do you think?

Simon Cowell: Absolutely awful! It was truely atrocious, and I’m at a loss for words.

Chris Kattan: Hey, that’s mean, we’re just singing about Christmas.

Simon Cowell: That’s exactly my point. Why are you singing about Christmas in the middle of April? And you, what do you do exactly?

Chris Kattan: Me? I go like this. (shakes head back and forth)

Simon Cowell: Whoopie! I’d rather let William Hung lick honey off my nipples than listen to you lot for another second. And he’s offered.

Tracy Morgan: I’m gonna kick this dude’s ass!

Jimmy Fallon: No! Hold up, Tracy.

Tracy Morgan: Hey man if you think you’re so hot, why don’t you get up here and try?

Simon Cowell: Do you honestly think that I would want to join your sorry little combo? Are you serious?

Jimmy Fallon: Come on Simon, You know you wanna.

Simon Cowell: No, no I don’t.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, you do.

Simon Cowell: No, I don’t.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, ya do.

Simon Cowell: Yes, I would actually. I’d actually like that very much. Do you know no one’s ever given me the chance. I’ve never actually been included in anything.

Horatio Sanz: Is that why you’re such a jerk?

Simon Cowell: Well, that’s what my therapist says.

Jimmy Fallon: Well come on up here man. Come on up!

Simon Cowell: Well, I did bring my maracas.

Tracy Morgan: You gotta get more color in your wardrobe, those black t-shirts are bringing you down. (Hands Simon a pink sweater) Drop this like it’s hot.

Horatio Sanz: You ready, Simon?

Simon Cowell: Yeah.

Horatio Sanz: One.

Jimmy Fallon: Two.

Horatio Sanz: One.

Jimmy Fallon: Two.

Horatio Sanz: Three.

Jimmy Fallon: Four.

Horatio Sanz: (music starts)
I don’t care what your mama says
Christmas is full of cheer.
I don’t care what your daddy says
Christmas will soon be here.
I don’t care if you think you’re so cool
Working with that black dude and Paula Abdul.

All:
I wish it was Christmas today
I wish it was Christmas today.

(music stops, all take a bow)

Submitted by: Julian Spivey

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 17
03q: Janet Jackson

Cork Soakers

Giuseppe…..Horatio Sanz
Marcello…..Jimmy Fallon
Female Tourist…..Janet Jackson
Male Tourist…..Chris Parnell
Luigi…..Fred Armisen
Cork Soaker #1…..Seth Meyers
Cork Soaker #2…..Darrell Hammond
Monica…..Maya Rudolph
Carmella…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on footage of wine country ]

[ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]

Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You’re now entering.. the corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process happens – where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello that you saw earlier.

Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Female Tourist: I’ve always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?

Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are -asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you all cork soakers!

[ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]

Male Tourist: Now, I’m curious – how does one become a cork soaker.

Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, “Cork soakers are born, not made.”

Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!

Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!

Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?

Marcello: No, no, no..

Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!

Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.

Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.

Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]

Marcello: That’s right.

Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks — suck — soak corks?

Marcello: You know, I’ll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.

Female Tourist: You know, I’ve noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?

Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella – come in here!

Marcello: Come in here.

[ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]

Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.

Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I’m the most popular girl in school!

Marcello: It’s-a true – men come-a from all over just to watch her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I got ot say that, too!

Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It’s crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!

Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soaking cork?

Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.

Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?

Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!

Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this – do you ever run out of corks to soak?

Marcello: Oh, yeah, I’ll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.

Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

Marcello: So we soaked-a each other’s corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?

Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?

Marcello: Oh, boy!

Giuseppe: What year was that?

Marcello: The year we soaked each other’s corks?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60’s, right?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: Sixty.. eight?

Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.

Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn’t one earlier than that?

Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..

Marcello: Let’s just say between 68 and 70, alright?

Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soak corks?

[ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]

Giuseppe: Oh, I’m sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!

[ they depart from the group ]

Marcello: Cheers! Cheers!

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 10th, 2004

Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson

None

Tracy Morgan

Chris Kattan

Simon Cowell 9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs Condoleeza Rice (Janet Jackson) on her 9/11 hearing, and convinces her to flash a boob to take off some of the heat.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice.

Transcript

Montage

Janet Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Janet Jackson’s home movies from her childhood prove she had a normal upbringing.

Also Appeared: 93t

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) imagines having a tryst with an attractive zookeeper (Janet Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Janet Jackson Concert LineSummary: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and her peeps wait in line for tickets.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Appreciante.

Transcript

An Easter Treat From Saturday Night LiveSummary: Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan bring their ditty yet back again. Though Simon Cowell objects to a Christmas song being sung in April, he agrees to join in on maracas.

Note: Simon Cowell was asked to host the episode, but he wasn’t interested. He would only agree to making a guest appearance.

Transcript

Janet Jackson performs “All Nite (Don’t Stop)”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Off-the-record, Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) tells the truth of her pre-9/11 knowledge. Kevin Eubanks (Finesse Mitchell) laughs at Tina Fey’s joke about Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon sings a faux James Bond theme song.

Recurring Characters: Condoleeza Rice.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) makes Paula Abdul (Janet Jackson) pose for a painting.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce Knowles.

Transcript

Cork SoakersSummary: Expert cork soakers (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) discuss their craft with doulbe entendres.

Transcript

Janet Jackson performs “Strawberry Bounce”

Good TimesSummary: An amalgam of episodes focuses on the Evans family’s hopes for a huge lottery payoff.

Transcript

Boom BoomerSummary: Drug-induced paranoia makes the game more fun.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents a cartoon about Donald Trump.

Note: This cartoon was also cut last week when Donald Trump hosted.

The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Janet Jackson) at school over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

ControlSummary: Advertising executives (Fred Armsien, Chris Parnell) want to use Janet Jackson’s song, “Control”, for an adult diaper commercial.

Boombox BarrySummary: Bombox Barry (Horatio Sanz) wanders the streets in search of Pedro.

Jayson WilliamsSummary: Jayson Williams (Finesse Mitchell) discusses his recent scandal with his lawyers.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last week’s episode with Donald Trump.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump’s House of Wings

… Donald Trump
Dancing Chicken … Maya Rudolph
Dancing Chicken … Amy Poehler
Dancing Chicken … Kenan Thompson
Dancing Chicken … Seth Meyers
David Crosby … Horatio Sanz

[Cheap neon sign reads: TRUMP’S House of Wings. Thesynth-driven riff from the Pointer Sisters’ hit 1984pop song “Jump (For My Love)” is heard as we pull backand pan down to reveal real estate mogul Donald Trumpin a spectacularly awful all-yellow suit and tie. Hestands in front of a couple of diners and addressesthe camera.]

Donald Trump: Cock-a-doodle-doo, folks. I’mDonald Trump. … And there’s two things in the worldI love — a good deal and a good meal. So when I droveby a defunct Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, NewJersey … I knew what I hadda do! I hadda buy it onthe cheap and convert it into a restaurantspecializing in buffalo chicken wings. … So I did.And it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done in myentire life. … So, please, join me — at DonaldTrump’s House of Wings!

[Trump gestures and four dancers, wearing goofy yellowand white chickens-popping-out-of-eggshells costumes,boogie into view and join him. They gestureenergetically as they sing a parody of”Jump”:]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah,
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[The Donald, who has been dancin’ like the proverbialwhite man in the midst of all this, claps his handsand the chickens boogie backward out of view to hugecheers and applause. An impressed Trump pauses andnods acknowledgment to the crowd beforecontinuing:]

Donald Trump: Am I saying I’m a chicken wingexpert? No. But I can tell you this — the wing ishands down the best part of the chicken. Betterthan the head. Better than the torso. Better than theback! And at Donald Trump’s House of Wings, youcan get them with five different levels of hotness –Regular, Hot, Three Alarm, Suicidal — and Hell Spawn![Each level is illustrated with a photo of Trump:”Smiling;” “Smiling but Red-Faced;” “Red-Faced andWearing a Fireman’s Helmet with Cheeks Puffed Out;””Horned Goateed Red-Faced Devil with Cheeks PuffedOut;” and “Red-Faced with Eyes Bulging, TongueSticking Out and Steam Coming Out of Ears.”] … And,if you like celery, congratulations! It’s on thehouse. …

[Dancing chickens return. Trump claps, pumps a fist inthe air and bobs in place arrhythmically.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings come with free celery!
Trump in! You know these veggies are good for you!
Trump! If you want bleu cheese, there’ll be a dollarextra!
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[Trump claps his hands and the chickens boogiebackward out of view, once again, to huge cheers andapplause.]

Donald Trump: Donald Trump’s House of Wings ishands down the best wing restaurant in NewJersey. If you don’t believe me, ask my good friend,rock ‘n’ roll legend David Crosby.

[Synth riff fades out as white-haired, cherubic DavidCrosby enters with an acoustic guitar.]

David Crosby: Hey, Donny, man! When I’m notsmokin’ weed, firin’ guns or throwing my sperm aroundthe lesbian community … I’m wolfin’ down wings asfast as they can hack ’em off them little bastards!…

Donald Trump: Hey, listen, listen. That wasn’tin the script. You’re not supposed to be talking likethat. That’s not right.

David Crosby: Oh, sorry, Donny, man.

Donald Trump: Take it easy.

David Crosby: Well, I call ’em like I sees’em!

Donald Trump: Yeah, take it easy.

David Crosby: But I will say this about yourplace, Donald Trump.
[strums guitar, sings a slightly altered line from the1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, “OurHouse”]
His house is a very, very, very fine house–
[spoken with enthusiasm]
— of Wings! … Ha ha! Alrighty, I’mout of here! [pulls out a handgun and a plastic bag ofmarijuana] Hey, can you hold these for me? [tries tohand these to Trump]

Donald Trump: [pushes them away in disgust] I’mnot gonna touch ’em. [tries to push Crosby offstage]Get out of here. Come on, get out.

David Crosby: [laughs] All right. [waves intothe camera] Hey! Take it easy, Trumpy!

[Applause as David Crosby exits and the synth riffreturns.]

Donald Trump: [shakes his head, disgusted withCrosby] Terrible! [continues, to camera] To all youpeople out there — stop by and enjoy! And to all youchickens — You’re fry-ered! … [looks around,shakes his head again, disgusted at the corny joke onhis signature “You’re fired” line] I don’t like that.Come on, get the dancers back.

[Trump waves for the chickens and they return for afunky grand finale.]

Dancing Chickens: [sing]
Trump! You know our wings will make you happy!
Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up!
Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah,
Donald Trump’s House of Wings!

[Huge cheers and applause as we cut to the House ofWings logo and then see a map of Englewood, New Jerseywith the logo — as well as the logos of Trump’s localcompetitors.]

Announcer V/O: Donald Trump’s House of Wings –off Route 13, right next to Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi. If you pass Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole, you’vegone too far.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: Live from Mar-A-Lago, the number one luxury resort in the entire country, it’s the classiest late night news segment on tv – Weekend “Trump”date, with Jimmy Fallon and the beautiful Miss Tina Fey.

[Tina is dressed as a beauty contest contestant, and Jimmy is dressed similar to Donald Trump. The setting is covered with grey colored bricks and a fountain in the center]

Tina Fey: Good evening. I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m James Thomas Fallon. Welcome to Donald Trump’s all-new Weekend “Trump”date.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, this is ridiculous. This is gross. I can’t do this.

Jimmy Fallon: Now come on, Tina. Don’t screw this up for me. He told me I can get a free helicopter ride if I do this.

Tina Fey: No. I don’t wanna do this. Just forget it. I’m not wearing these. It’s over, all right? We’re going to back to the original way. The usual way that we do it.

[Original intro starts running]

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.

[both change into their usual clothes, and usual set is shown]

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And here are tonight’s top stories…

In an interview with “Time” magazine, John Kerry, who would be the second catholic president if elected, said that he would not be influenced by the Vatican, adding “we have a separation of church and state in this country,” to which president Bush responded “oh snap, we do?”

Michael Jackson went to capitol hill Tuesday, but the congressional black caucus refused to meet with him. Instead, Jackson was able to meet with the wax tranny caucus.

Jimmy Fallon: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have announced plants to shoot a reality show. The show will begin production as soon as the couple figures out what reality is.

The embezzlement and fraud case against former Tyco chairman, Dennis Kozlowski, was declared a mistrial this week. Kozlowski will use the time until his next trial to return to his other job – as the lead singer of Midnight Oil.

Tina Fey: Radio Flyer Incorporated, the maker of the little red wagon, is closing their Chicago plant, and outsourcing their production to China. On the plus side, the wagons will be made for kids, by kids.

According to the FBI, terrorist might try to enter the United States by tagging along with foreign sports teams, or joining the entourages of famous performers. You know, I thought that Ace of Base reunion sounded a little fishy.

Jimmy Fallon: Singer Norah Jones turned 25 on Tuesday, her fans turned 50.

On Monday, a judge tossed out a lawsuit charging that the Walt Disneycorporation had cheated that the owner to the rights of Winnie the Pooh out of royalties. Sadly, Winnie the Pooh himself, died penniless, suffering from a honey induced diabetes.

Tina Fey: Actor Jason Patric was arrested on misdemeanor charges on public intoxication and resisting arrest Monday, after he showed a police officer. Police were heard yelling “Freeze! Put your hands on your head, and please tell me what movie you were in. It’s driving me crazy!”

Jimmy Fallon: A new study shows that when alcohol consumption in and around the workplace increases, so does the risk of sexual harassment among co-workers –

Tina Fey: Hello. Jimmy Fallon. This is my hotel key. These are my panties. Be there in 10 minutes, or I’ll kill you. I will kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: You gotta get your act together.

Tina Fey: I really do.

Jimmy Fallon: Gosh.

Heavy gunfire broke out in the Congo capitol of Kinshasa , for the first time since the war broke out last spring. Among the casualties – 5 rebels, 2 government troops, and 6 tarzans.

Tina Fey: Police in Illinois are looking for a 75 year-old woman, who gets around whit a cane and a portable oxygen cart, because she’s accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an 8-foot radius.

It was reported that on her upcoming tour, Madonna will include a dance number that will re-enact battle scenes to illustrate the tragedy of war. Madonna will also wear a camouflage bikini top to illustrate the tragedy of time.

Jimmy Fallon: Asian-American groups are upset with the newest issue of “Details” magazine, which features an article asking readers to determine whether the man pictured is gay or Asian. Worse, it’s a picture of Angelica Huston.

[knock on Update door]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someone’s at the update door.

Tina Fey: Okay. I wonder who that could be. Oh, it’s fired “Apprentice” contestant, Omarosa, everybody.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Where is Mr. Trump? Where’s Donald at? I need to converse with him briefly.

Tina Fey: Donald is not here at the moment, is there something “we” could help you with, Omarosa?

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: First of all, I’d like you to address me by my full name – Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. And not by my first name, which is disrespectful, because I am a proud African-American woman.

Tina Fey: Okay, sure. Mrs. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Thank you, Tina Fey. I came here tonight because I feel that I was misrepresented on the television program, “The Apprentice.” And I’d really like to tell my side of the story.

Tina Fey: Sure, let’s hear it. Yeah.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, let me just say for the record, that Mr. Trump…is a fool. For he should have named me the apprentice. You see, I am a leader, and a strong Nubian woman. Whose strength is only rivaled by the Bionic Man or The Rock. I didn’t get into this business by being a wimp. And I’m not ever gonna let anything beat me down.

[a small piece of plaster from the ceiling, falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Not again! A piece of plaster has fallen on my head!

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Mrs. Manigault-Stallworth, are you okay?

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh my God, the pain! I’ve got yet another concussion! I’m sure of it!

Tina Fey: Come on, it was just a little piece of plaster. You’re tough. You can get through that.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, I think it is appalling, that we should be expected to work inside this television stu-jo, and not be provided hard hits.

Tina Fey: Har- oh hard hats. Oh.

[a giant piece of plaster falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhh-hhhhhh!

Tina Fey: That one was bigger.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that looked like it might have hurt. That piece was way bigger, that one.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh Jimmy Fallon, I know you did not just call me the “N” word.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I said it’s bigger. It’s bigger.

[a hanging spotlight falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhhh! My jewelry!

Jimmy Fallon: This is strange. It seems like things are only falling on Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth’s head. It’s just weird.

[a large pizza falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Hey!

Tina Fey: A whole pizza? Pizza, that is weird.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s probably why it didn’t hurt as much as the other stuff. That’s not that bad.

[a bowling ball falls on Omarosa’s head, then bounces off her head, hitting Jimmy’s shoulder]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooooohh.

Tina Fey: Look at that – a bowling ball.

Jimmy Fallon: That hurt me too a little bit.

Tina Fey: A little bit?

Jimmy Fallon: That hurt.

[a cake falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooo!

Tina Fey: Was that birthday cake?

Jimmy Fallon: Birthday cake. Happy birthday I guess?

[a thick book falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhh!

Tina Fey: A dictionary?

Jimmy Fallon: Well at least that was an abridged version of the dictionary. I mean it’s not like –

[an even larger book falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Owww!

Tina Fey: There’s the abridged dictionary. The abridged dictionary.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah that’s the other bridge.

[a fax machine falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: OHH-ahhhhhhhhh!!

Tina Fey: A fax machine.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, you know, I’m kind of liking this now.

[garbage falls on Omarosa’s head]

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Eewwww!

Tina Fey: Uh oh.

Jimmy Fallon: What? Uh oh! Oh no!

[a giant wastebasket falls on Omarosa’s head, then she collapses]

Tina Fey: Oh my gosh. That is crazy, all right. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Fathers and Sons

Peter Fleck…Seth Meyers
Gary Fleck…Donald Trump
John Sassen…Horatio Sanz
David Sassen…Jimmy Fallon

[title: Channel 53 Public Access T.V. of Central Illinois]

Voice Over: You’re watching Channel 53 Public Access T.V. of Central Illinois.

[dissolve to living room with superimposed title: Fathers and Sons]

[title fades, brief intro music plays, Peter and Gary are sitting on a couch]

Peter: Hi! Welcome to Fathers and Sons, the show that teaches and discusses how positive communication between fathers and sons can make this special relationship between two men even better. I’m Peter Fleck, and this is my dad, Gary. There’s no reason why sensitivity and warmth can’t be key ingredients between fathers and sons. That’s why we’re here today on Fathers and Sons. Isn’t that right, Dad?

Gary: You could really cut that intro in half. Boy, it’s way, way too long.

Peter: Okay, here we go again, all right. It’s a bit long, you’re right.

Gary: You don’t have to tell me when I’m right. I know when I’m right. Now let’s do it. Come on, this is just a miserable way to spend a Sunday.

Peter: Our first segment is called Father and Son Memories. We’ve each prepared a story. My story takes place at a little league game when I was thirteen. A ground ball went through my legs and Dad screamed, “Hey fellas, anyone want to lend me their son for the day so I have something to cheer about?” Do you remember that, Dad?

Gary: I don’t remember you ever playing baseball.

Peter: I played for eight years.

Gary: Well, I remember you were on a team. I just don’t remember you playing baseball. Ha-ha-ha. [nudges Peter]

Peter: It’s surprising I wasn’t a better player. I mean, we practiced once, but then you left because you were worried my [air quotes] “sissy” was contagious.

Gary: All right, I forgot. Everything’s my fault isn’t it? Maybe I should blame my dad for not being a better parent. Or blame his dad. Or go back to blame the caveman for not playing enough dinosaur ball with his kid. Or plan B: Be responsible for yourself.

Peter: Okay, you’re right.

Gary: Again, I know when I’m right. You don’t have to tell me. So here’s my father son story. My father loved to fish on Sundays. I went to fish with him. It was nice and quiet and nobody had to talk about their feelings. The end.

Peter: I get your point, Dad.

Gary: I don’t think you do. Because when I take you fishing, you talk and scare all the fish away. Next thing I know, I’m playing this crazy video production. It’s just ridiculous, and I’m on a show that nobody even watches.

Peter: Joining us now are our neighbors. Please welcome father and son, John and David Sassen.

[John and David enter, affectionately tussling, wearing red polo shirts and dockers]

John: Hey, how ya doing, fellas? Excuse the clothes, just got back from a [David chimes in] father and son golf tournament.

David: It was awesome, it was awesome.

John: Oh, my goodness. This guy’s a hell of a golfer, too.

David: Well, this guy [points to self] had the best teacher in the world. You did it, [points to John] you taught me.

[John and David hug vigorously, and David is lifted off his feet]

[John and David sit on the couch]

Gary: What, are they crazy?

Peter: So, you guys seem to get along. Do you ever have any problems?

John: Well, we’re both reading that book, Tuesdays with Morrie.

David: We talk about it so much, Mom’s threatening to throw us out of the house.

Gary: I like her style.

Peter: But do you guys ever have any problems with each other, you know?

David: Well, he can embarass me. In public, he’ll tell people how smart I am, and how I’m about to go to college, so… [makes cringing sound]

John: I’m gonna m-m-miss…miss my boy. [begins to cry]

David: I…I’m gonna miss my dad.

[Peter points to the Sassens, indicated to Gary that he approves of their emotional openness]

John: Do you remember, do you remember–remember what I said?!

David: Yeah, I remember what you said, Dad. Dad said he’s giving me [becomes emotional] a j-j.. a jet pack–

John: A jet pack!

David: A jet pack.

John: I’m gonna give him a jet pack–

David: –full of love! So I can fly anywhere.

John: Anywhere. And where are you gonna fly?

David: I got a feeling I’m gonna fly home. [cries]

John: Come home!

[John and David stand and hug while rocking on their feet, then sit]

Peter: Why can’t you be like that with me?!

Gary: I’m not like that with your mother.

Peter: They’re so sad, they’re happy. [to David] I’d give anything, man. I would give anything to trade places with you, man.

Gary: With him? Look at that crybaby. When his father dies one day, he’s not going to know what to do. He’s going to be helpless.

David: You’re gonna die one day?!

[John and David collapse, weeping, into one another’s arms]

John: Oh, no! I’ve never explained to him the concept of death! [they separate]

Gary: Look, I treat you the way I treat you because the world is a horrible and vicious place, and I love you.

Peter: [joyfully shocked] Oh!

Gary: Are you happy now?

Peter: Mmm-hmmm! [hugs his father]

Gary: Well that really backfired.

Peter: Oh, uh… [composes self] Join us next week for our home movie film festival I like to call Things My Father Yelled Out at School Plays. Some of the highlights include the lines, “Would it kill him to wear boy clothes?” to “Intermission better mean over.” We’ll see you next week. I love you, Dad.

Gary: I love you, too.

[Peter rests his head on Gary’s shoulder, and Gary pats him affectionately]

[title: Fathers and Sons]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

The Prince And The Pauper

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Donald Trump
Aide…..Fred Armisen

[ woman’s hand opens storybook ]

Narrator: “Once upon a time, on a small island filled with glass towers, there lived a prince. He had flowing blond locks that looked like a wig, but it wasn’t. Anyway.. this prince had everything a man could ever want, but was still not happy.”

[ dissolve to Donald Trupm in his office ]

Donald Trump: I thought I made it clear to you when we started working together, that I demanded excellence at all times. Your incomptence is only exceeded by your stupidity. You’re an embarrassment. Not only to yourself, but to me and my corporation! [ motions hand ] You’re fired!

[ long shot reveals Trump has been addressing a Girl Scout ]

Girl Scout: [ blinking ] But, Mr. Trump.. I’m nine.

Donald Trump: Yeah. You’re nine. And you’re unemployed. Now, get the hell out of my office!

Girl Scout: Thank you for the opportunity.

Donald Trump: Whatever! now, hit the bricks, sister!

[ Girl Scout exits office, as Aide enters ]

Aide: Is everything alright, sir?

Donald Trump: I feel horrible! My life has no joy. I mean.. I just fired a nine-year old girl, but.. if that doesn’t make me happy, then.. I don’t know what the hell will! I wish there was a way I could trade places with another man, and be free of all this responsibility. But, alas.. I’m trapped, in a golden cage.

Aide: Well, bummer. By the way, the guy’s here to fix the leak on your solid gold faucet.

Donald Trump: [ sighs ] Send him in.

[ Aide opens the door, as a moustachioed janitor enters and looks around ]

Janitor: This place looks like the Liberace Museum. Man!

Donald Trump: Hey! I’m the Prince of this city. When you’re in my office, you treat me with respect!

Janitor: [ looking about ] Who did your decorating? Saddam Hussein?

Donald Trump: I’ll have you know this is all very classy stuff. And that painting of the tiger and the woman has gotten me laid on numerous occasions.

Janitor: I didn’t know gay dudes liked tiger paintings.

Donald Trump: Hey! You crossed the line! I’ve killed people for less!

Janitor: Looks like you killed a squirrel to me, and put it right on top of your head.

Donald Trump: [ fumes silently ] You’re one to talk. Your hair looks exactly like mine!

Janitor: Yeah.. except my hair’s supposed to look like this – I’m a janitor.

Donald Trump: Normally.. I’d have you dragged into the swamp and shot. But you’ve got guts. You’re the first man I’ve ever met who.. isn’t afraid of me. What’s your secret?

Janitor: Well.. my real secret is that I live a simple life. I may not be a billionaire like you.. but this job gives me enough money to have a kick-ass sword collection. Plus.. my brother rigged my cable, so that I get all the nudie channels for free.

Donald Trump: It sounds like you’re happy.

Janitor: Darn tootin’. Aren’t you happy? What, with all your money, and your clothes, and your gay decorations?

Donald Trump: Okay, first of all, enough about the decorations! And, second – I would love to run away and live a life of leisure. But the whole city would collapse! If I don’t — [ pauses to think ] Wait a minute. Let me look at you.

[ Trump and the janitor stare at one another, and mimic each other’s movement with crystal precision ]

Donald Trump: Heeeeeyy! You look exactly like me!

Janitor: You’re right. Except for my very stylish moustache.

Donald Trump: [ contemplates the situation ] I have a proposition for you my friend – how would you like to trade places, and be me for one month?

Janitor: You really think it would work?

Donald Trump: It worked on The Flintstones.

Janitor: It’s true. Say no more, I’m in.

Donald Trump: Alright.

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And, so, the pauper and the prince exchanged identities. The pauper shaved off his moustache, and the prince put on a fake one. And this voiceover lasted just long enough for them to trade clothes.”

What? They’re not done yet? Oh, okay.

[ making up additional story lines ] “The prince dressed like a janitor! And the janitor.. dressed like a prince.” Back to the story!

[ dissolve back to Trump and the janitor in his office, now dressed like one another ]

Donald Trump: Well.. I’m off to find my new happiness. Now for the final test. Let’s see if my assistant – I mean, your assistent – Carl.. can tell the difference.

Janitor: Carl!

Aide: [ enters ] Can I help you sir?

Janitor: Look at this janitor here.

Aide: Eugh! Disgusting!

Donald Trump: [ elated ] This is great! He doesn’t suspect a thing!

Janitor: Carl.. take this dirtbag out to the swamps, and shoot him!

Aide: Got it, Captain! [ grabs Trump ]

Donald Trump: No! Wait a minute, Carl! I’m the prince!

Aide: Shut up, janitor! You’re going on a six-foot holiday! [ drags Trump out of the office ]

Janitor: [ facing the camera ] You know.. I think I’m going to like being a prince!

[ dissolve back to storybook ]

Narrator: “And the moral of this story is: although you may not find happiness as a billionaire.. you sure as hell won’t find it at the bottom of a swamp in Jersey. The end.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Donald Trump’s Monologue

…..Donald Trump
Back-Up Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump: Thank you! Wow. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be here, at “Saturday Night Live”, but – I’ll be completely honest – it’s even better for “Saturday Night Live” that I’m here. Nobody’s bigger than me.. nobody’s better than me.. I’m a ratings machine! I’ve got the number one television show, “The Apprentice”.. [ audience erupts into applause ] Where, after just one season, I’m about to become the highest-paid television personality in America! And, as everyone in this room knows, highest-paid means best, right?

But television’s really just a hobby for me. I’m primarily occupied with my real estate holdings, my best-selling books, and making love to women who’ve won prizes for their beauty. But not any more, because I have a great girlfriend. That’s true. The point is — [ audience cracks up ] What the hell is this? I can’t win. See, you can’t win. The point is, I’m a busy man. And, in case I get called – always on business, always on improtant business – I got a replacement. I got a really great replacement. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Darrell Hammond!

[ Darrell Hammond steps out, disguised as a near-accurate, though shorter, version of Donald Trump ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. I love what you do. It’s great. Do that thing, go ahead.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it!

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Ah! Keep firing, Darrell! We’re gonna clean out NBC!

[ Jeff Zucker enters stage ]

Jeff Zucker: [ laughing nervously, as he motions his hands back and forth with each passing word ] Wait a second, Donald! You can’t fire everyone here at NBC.

Donald Trump: Who are you?

Jeff Zucker: Jeff Zucker, NBC President of Entertainment, News & Cable Group. And I’ve had the.. “Will & Grace”.. to lead this network. Right.. “Friends”? [ low response, so he pulls out a remote control and adjusts his own volume of canned laughter ]

Donald Trump: Darrell. Do it to him.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Do it again, Darrell, I love it – Do it.

Back-Up Donald Trump: [ motions his hand ] You’re fired!

Donald Trump: Darrell.. go fire whoever you want. Get the hell out of here.

[ Darrell exits ]

Look, Jim – you are the President, but I’m the only thing they’ve got on this network that’s any good now.

Jeff Zucker: Now, that’s not true. In fact, NBC has an exciting line-up of new shows, that will appeal to a very wide audience. Shows like these – what happens when two gay brothers inherit a mental hospital? Find out on.. “Fruits & Nuts”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: That sounds terrible!

Jeff Zucker: And, if that wasn’t enough, we’ve got a makeover show in the works, that’s sure to become a phenomenom. Watch straight men get fashion tips from a gay guy who may or may not be looking at you, on “Queer Eye With A Lazy Eye”.

[ show title card ]

Donald Trump: Now, that one actually sounds pretty good.

Jeff Zucker: Sticking with the gay theme, because it seems to be working for us – an exciting new police drama – “Law & Order: Queer Squad”.

[ show title card ]

Jeff Zucker: I’m not even sure what that one’s about.. Okay, look, you’re right. You’re the only thing we have on this network, okay? Thanks so much.. I’m fired.

[ Jeff Zucker exits ]

Donald Trump: We’ve got a really great show for you tonight. Toots and the Maytals are here.. stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 16

03p: Donald Trump / Toots and the Maytals

Goodnights

…..Donald Trump

Donald Trump: Thanks to Toots and the Maytals.. Ben Harper.. Jack Johnson.. The Roots.. and Bootsy Collins. And, of course, Lorne and the cast. Great job!

SNL Transcripts