Chet… Kenan Thompson
Jack… Charles Barkley
Melissa Villaseñor[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]
Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.
Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]
Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.[A very attractive woman walks by]
Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.[The woman turns around]
Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.[The woman leaves.]
Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.
Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.
Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.
Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?
Beck: Where are we going with this?
Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?
Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?
Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.
Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.
Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.
Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?
Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.
Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?
Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.
Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.
Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.
Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?
Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.
Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.
Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.
Pete: It went there!
Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.
Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.
Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?
Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?
Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?
Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.[Another very attractive woman walks by them]
Hey, you looking hot.
Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.
Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.
Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.
Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.
Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?
Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.
Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.[Beck walks away]
Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.[The End]