Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant
Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett
Heidi Gardner[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!
Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.[Cut to Cecily from the press]
Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]
Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.[Cut to Kate from the press]
Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]
Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.[Cut to Mikey from the press]
Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]
Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.[Cut to Pete from the press]
Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go![Cut to Pete]
Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]
Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.[Cut to Heidi from the press]
Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?
Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.