Erin… Cecily Strong
Brian… Kit Harrington
Mary… Kate McKinnon[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]
Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.
Everybody: To Erin and Brian.
Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.
Aidy Bryant: What?[The door knocks]
Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?
Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.
Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]
Brian: Hello, ladies.[Cut to the ladies]
Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?[Cut to Ego and Brian]
Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.[Cut to the ladies]
Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.
Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque![Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.] [Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]
Erin: Oh, my god!
Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?[Cut to Brian]
Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass] [Cut to Erin]
Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?[Cut to everybody]
Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?
Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.[Cut to the ladies]
Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—[Cut to Brian]
Brian: My stage name.[Cut to the ladies]
Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?[Cut to everybody]
Aidy Bryant: No, wife.
Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.
Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: This is burlesque.[Cut to Erin]
Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.[Cut to Erin]
Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.[Cut to everybody]
Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.[Cut to everybody]
Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan] [Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]
Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.
Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.
Erin: You tucked?[Cut to Mary]
Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.[Cut to everybody]
Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.[Mary walks to Brian]
Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.[Brian jumps off the table]
Brian: This is for my wife.[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers] [Cut to everybody] [Erin walks to Brian]
Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.
Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.[Cut to Erin and Brian]
Brian: Well, thanks sis.[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]
Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?