Colin Jost
Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.
[Cheers and applause]
Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?
Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”
Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.
Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.
Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.
Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?
Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.
[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]
Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”
Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.
Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?
Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?
Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.
Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?
Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.
Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?
Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.
Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?
Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”
Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?
Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.
Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.
Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?
Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.
Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.
Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.