Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

Chance the Rapper Handsome (Live)

Jason Momoa
Chance the Rapper
[Starts with Jason Momoa announcing on SNL stage]
Jason Momoa: Once again, Chance the Rapper.
[Cheers and applause]
[Chance the Rapper is on stage]
[Music playing]
Chance the Rapper: SNL, make some noise.
[Cheers and applause]
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I  know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But  you know nobody could get (Huh)
It’s a hottie, it’s a body, we ain’t missin’ no meals
I ride shotty, she like five-some but six in them heels
I’m a Ducati, you gonna do 90 down 290, huh?
Know where you goin’, know where to find me, know where to find me, huh?
Big thumb, rotisserie
Big tongue make it slippery
I give you a sec’ I’ll let you shake it out
Now, let’s run it back, this time don’t make a sound
Make it walk
Climb up to the top and do a split and make it drop
You lookin’ naked, lookin’ pregnant, anything you make it pop
You out here bakin’, hot like Megan on my bacon when it pop
Baby, you look good, you look gorgeous
This right here your city, I’m a tourist
I know I’m a catch, I’m a swordfish
Got me on your hook, on your chorus
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
The one and only Megan Thee Stallion, baby!
We don’t know, known across the globe
from my player ways and my skimpy clothes
Houston hottie with a model body
I’m a bust it open like a centerfold
Bad bitch with a lot of options (yeah)
Half of me is really hard to top it (hey)
She don’t suck it sloppy, she don’t like to ride it
She don’t lick the balls, she ain’t really wifey, ah
All that talking shit, you know that excite me
And I know that mean you love me when you tell me you don’t like me
And I know you need some — when you argue and we fightin’
Don’t you put them in our business, if we beefin’ keep it private, huh
Baby, you look good, you look handsome
Rich — put that — for some ransom
Before I let you go, I had to have some
Rich chick so you know I got my bands up
Baby, I look good, I look handsome
Somebody gon’ take me for ransom
Everybody ’round me was dancin’
And nobody ’round me could have none
Baby, you look good, you look pretty
I know why you stopped — with me
It’s a lot of bomb in the city
But you know nobody could get
[Music stops]
[Cheers and applause]