Tag: Keegan-Michael Kay

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

Sending Drinks

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

First gentleman… Keegan-Michael Kay

Second gentleman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with two waiters serving two ladies]

Andrew: And here are your olives, ladies.

Mikey: Let us know if you need anything else.

Kate: Thanks

Aidy: Thank you. Wow, thanks for meeting me here.

Kate: It was totally worth driving two hours to get to this bar. What part of New York is this?

Aidy: Philly.

Mikey: Ladies, sorry to interrupt. [bringing in cocktails] But the gentlemen at the end of the bar has sent you each a drink.

Aidy: Okay, really? That’s kind of fun.

Kate: Yeah. Back in business, who was it?

[There’s a guy wearing creepy outfit at the bar]

Oh, thank you.

Aidy: Wow. Not sure what that outfit is. But cool.

[Mikey walks in again]

Mikey: Ladies, the gentleman down the bar has also sent you food. Here are 100 oysters.

Aidy: Oh, no.

Kate: That sounds expensive.

Mikey: No. He actually brought them with him. So, I would not eat them.

Aidy: Yes. I don’t think that we will.

Mikey: He also sent this. [gives them a scarf]

Kate: What is this? It’s arm. [it’s not a scarf. It’s a shirt.] Oh, it’s his shirt.

Aidy: What is LL Beeve?

Mikey: Should I tell him you like it?

Kate: I think we’re good.

Mikey: Got it.

Kate: Wo, how has your year been?

Aidy: Good. I went on a fairest real for the first time.

Kate: What did you call it?

Andrew: Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt but you’ve been sent a drink by the man at the other end of the bar.

Kate: Oh, thank god. Maybe he’ll be hot.

[There’s another guy wearing similar creepy outfit.]

Aidy: Oh, dear god. Another one.

Kate: I’m sorry. Is there some kind of conference these two attended together?

Andrew: Yes. They’re either here for ComicCon or the Porn Producer’s Reunion. Not sure which.

Mikey: Hi, again, the gentleman has passed you a note.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, this is just a printout of Wikepedia page for sex which I didn’t even know they had.

Andrew: And my gentleman has a note as well.

Kate: Okay. This one says “You’d be an amazing dentist. I’ll put you through dental school.” And he signed it ‘Michael Fastbender’.

Aidy: I think they think they’re in some kind of bidding war. But I hate that they think we’re their sexual ego.

Kate: Yes. We’re not going home with either of them.

Aidy: No.

Kate: Are we?

Aidy: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t love what that one’s doing.

Kate: Yes. I think he’s smiling but I don’t now.

Aidy: I think he thinks he’s smiling.

Kate: Okay. Now, the other one’s doing that thing where you kind of turn around and pretend you’re kissing someone.

Aidy: Yeah. But he’s still facing us.

Kate: Okay. Now, that one’s doing a magic trick.

Aidy: Oh, he pulled a coin from his own ear. Maybe it seems like he just put it there.

Kate: And okay. This one’s playing charades.

Aidy: Okay. One word, two syllables. Okay, he just mouthed the word ‘penis’.

Kate: I mean, it’s been a year since I hooked up with someone. Should I just do it?

Aidy: Honestly, maybe. I mean, the last FaceTime date I went on turned out to be a pocket dial.

Mikey: Again, the gentleman at the end of the bar has sent you a gift to wear.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, it’s an Elsa dress. That’s weird. But it’s something.

Andrew: And the other gentleman has sent you a condom on a plate.

Kate: Okay. It says ‘creamed for her scrutiny’. That’s thoughtful, I guess.

Mikey: Oh no, I think my gentleman senses the other one is closing in.

[The first guy shows a knife to the second guy]

Andrew: My gentleman accepts the challenge.

[The second guy pulls out a knife as well]

Aidy: Wow, they pulled out tiny swords.

Kate: They’re fighting to the Pirates of Caribbean sound.

Aidy: Oh, they’re having a duel for our honor.

Kate: Honestly, I don’t hate it.

[They both stab each other]

I think they both died. Well, no one has ever fought over me before.

Aidy: Me either.

[The gentlemen stand up and takes a bow]

Now, that was hot.

Kate: Fully horny. Let’s do this.

First Gentleman: To be clear, we are virgins.

Aidy: Oh, yes. We know.

Kate: Let’s go.