Steve… Bobby Moynihan
Michael Akari… Jonah Hill
Shawn… Jay Pharoah
Nate… Pete Davidson
Pharooq… Taran Killam[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]
Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.
Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]
Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.
Sasheer: What’s up?
Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?
Sasheer: Almost 300,000.
Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.[Cut to the audience]
Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.
Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120![Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]
Michael Akari: $1 million.[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.[Cut to the band]
Cecily: Wait, what?[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.[Cut to the band]
Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”[Cut to the band]
Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Have fun, cupcake.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.[Cut to the band]
Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.[Cut to Beck]
Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe![Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage] [Cut to Leslie in the audience]
Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.[Cut to Shawn and Nate]
Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.
Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Okay, 75![Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]
Salah Pharooq: $3 million.
Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.
Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]
Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie: $4 million.[Cut to Shawn and Nate]
Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]
Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.[Cut to Shawn and Nate]
Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]
Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.] [Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]
Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.[Salah Pharooq runs out] [Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.[Cut to Michael Akari]
Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.[The End]