Assistant… Mikey Day
Queen… Chloe Fineman
Thomas… Kyle Mooney
Rafi… Andrew Dismukes
Josephine… Cecily Strong
Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener
Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner
Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors
Archanbald… Kenan Thompson
Tawnie… Punkie Johnson[Starts with channel intro]
Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.
Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.[Cut to queen with her assistants.]
Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?
Queen: Um, sure.
Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.[Thomas walks in]
Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous
Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.
Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.
Queen: I mean, literally all of it.
Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.
Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.
Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]
Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.
Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.
Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.
Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!
Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.
Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.
Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]
Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.
Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.
Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.
TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.
Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?
Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.
Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?
Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?
Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?
Prince Harwey: Being stupid.
Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?
Prince Harwey: You look pretty.
Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.
Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.[Tawnie walks in]
Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.
Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.
Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.
Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?
Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.
Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible