Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harry Styles at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products, because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a statue of George Floyd at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A statue of George Floyd on display in New York city park was defaced for the second time. Police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application.[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of Florida map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Florida police discovered a meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. [Picture changes to a brochure of a building that features a pool, a gym and a meth lab.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus symbol at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Doctors are saying that a man who came in to an emergency room complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm chunk of cement lodged in his heart. Anyways, he’s dead.[Picture changes to a map of Germany]
A 96 year old German woman who was a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been released from detention. She’s now safely in a custody of her grandson. [Picture changes to Colin Jost] [Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of toy box at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And grandma, if you’re watching, go to bed. LEGO has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen.