Tag: Titanic

Weekend Update LEGOs Titanic Set and YouTube Removes R Kellys Channels

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harry Styles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products, because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a statue of George Floyd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A statue of George Floyd on display in New York city park was defaced for the second time. Police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of Florida map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida police discovered a meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. [Picture changes to a brochure of a building that features a pool, a gym and a meth lab.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus symbol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors are saying that a man who came in to an emergency room complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm chunk of cement lodged in his heart. Anyways, he’s dead.

[Picture changes to a map of Germany]

A 96 year old German woman who was a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been released from detention. She’s now safely in a custody of her grandson. [Picture changes to Colin Jost] [Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of toy box at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And grandma, if you’re watching, go to bed. LEGO has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen.

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing] [singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house
touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.