Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson
Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett
Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd[Starts with Shark Tank intro]
Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.
Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.
Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.
Janine Pirro: When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.
Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.
Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.
Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.
Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.
Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.[Cut to Video Bumper]
Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys
Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”[Cut to Shark Tank stage]
Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.
Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.[Cut to the sharks]
Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.
Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.[Cut to Robert Kraft]
Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.[Cut to Michael Avenatti]
Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles] [Cut to Janine Pirro]
Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]
Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]
Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.[Cut to video bumper]
Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a –[Cut to Shark Tank stage]
Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.
Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]
Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?[Cut to Jussie Smollett]
Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]
Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.[Cut to Jussie Smollett]
Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.[Cut to Michael Avenatti]
Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?[Cut to Jussie Smollett]
Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.[Cut to Janine Pirro]
Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]
Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.[Cut to video bumper]
Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.[Ends with outro]
Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.