Abilify for Candidates

Karan Santorum… Cecily Strong

Rick Santorum… Taran Killam

Janet Huckabee… Kate McKinnon

Mike Huckabee… Bobby Moynihan

Roxane Gilmore… Miley Cyrus

Jim Gilmore… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a couple walking in a rain under umbrella.]

Karan: Mental illness doesn’t run in our family. So, I never thought it could happen to someone I love. But then my husband started getting confused. [Cut to Karan telling the story] He’d say things that just didn’t make any sense. Things like…

[Cut to Rick Santorum giving speech. Karan is standing beside Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: And come next November, I Rick Santorum will be president of the United States.

[Cut to Karan Santorum acting nervous]

Karan: And he believed this. [Cut to Karan telling the story] That’s when I knew, he had dementia.

[Cut to Mike and Janet Huckabee enjoying their time.]

Janet Huckabee: My husband Mike Huckabee is to be my rock. And then one night last month, he got up in the middle of the night, start packing suit case. He wasn’t making any sense. He was muttering, “Kim’s in jail and I gotta get her out of jail. [Cut to Janet telling the story] And I’m gonna be in jail. And that’s gonna make me a president.” He didn’t even know what year it was or how the world worked.

[Cut to Jim and Roxane Gilmore enjoying their time.]

Roxane Gilmore: My husband Jim Gilmore is the love of my life. [Cut to Roxane telling the story] But lately he’s been having these episodes.

[Jim walks in]

Jim Gilmore: Honey, the Gallup poll has me up for 1.2 % in Iowa. White House, here wecome.

Roxane Gilmore: Yay! I cannot wait to be first lady.

[Jim leaves and Roxane looks at the camera]

Do you see? He is sick and he needs help.

[Cut to a doctor]

Doctor: Well, now there is help. Introducing¬† Abilify, for people who think they can be president. Once taken, Abilify destroys the damaged part of the brain that says, “I’ma be president.”

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum. Rick takes the pill after giving speech, then realizes what was happening.]

Leading to an almost immediate return to reality.

[Cut to Mike Huckabee taking pill during the live news, then leaving immediately]

It’s the only dementia medication prescribed for 11 specific people.

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: Before Abilify, I would go on national TV and say, “Here is how I would eradicate ISIS. [laughing] Me! It’s like, what?”

[Cut to Roxane Gilmore and Jim]

Jim Gilmore: Today in the news, they said Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. And I thought, “Who’s Jim Gilmore?” Then I realized it was me. I was running for president. [laughing] [Cut to Janet and Mike Huckabee]

Mike Huckabee:¬†One time during a debate, I cut Donald Trump off and I said, “No, you listen!” What was I thinking? That’s our future president!

Doctor: So ask your doctor about Abilify today, Bobby Jindal. Because not everyone, can be president.

Mike, Jim and Rick: And now we know. [laughing]