Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.
[Sidney Powell slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.
Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.
Sidney Powell: Fake news.
Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.
Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.
Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?
Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.
Michael Che: What is that?
Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.
Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?
Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.
Michael Che: You serious?
Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?
Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.
Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.
Michael Che: Nobody says that.
Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”
Michael Che: What are you talking about?
Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.
Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.
Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.
Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.