Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman
Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim
Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner
Jamarcus… Chris Redd
Kevin… Mikey Day
Clark… Bowen Yang
Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe
Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari
Tommy… Pete Davidson
Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant
Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon[Starts with tenants having a meeting]
Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.
Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.
Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.
Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.
Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.
Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.
Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.
Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.
Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.
Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.
Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.
Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.
Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.
Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.
Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?
Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?
Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know
Clark:5 to midnight.
Kevin:Is there food?
Kevin:Are there drinks?
Kevin:Well, who’s performing
Clark:Just so far?
Kevin and Clark:So sign up today
Clark: You were off key.
Clark: You were off key!
Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.
Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.
Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?
Alex: No idea. And what is your question?
Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.
Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.
Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?
Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.
Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit
Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.
Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.
Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.
Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?
Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.
Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.
Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.
Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.
Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.
Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.
Hunter: What’s good?
Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.
Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.
Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.
Mr. Carson: Oops.
Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?
Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.
Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?
Mrs. Baumann: No.
Alex: All right. Go ahead.
Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.
Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.
Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.
Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.