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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11

89k: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell. The Continental opens the door quietly and grins ]

The Continental: Ah! [ smirks ] You.. were a minute late. And I thought, perhaps, you were just a dream. [ pulls her gloved hand forward and kisses it ] But, no.. you are real. Please. Enter.

[ she cautiously enters the apartment and looks around ]

Broken glass. [ removes cigarette and holder from his mouth ] Champagna? [ she nods ] Please. Be seated. We shall drink from the same glass. Please. [ he sits next to her ] I have but three passions in life. One of which.. is fine champagna.. which leaves two other passions. [ he hands her the champagna and smiles menacingly, so she rejects the offer ] I see you are shy.. which makes you even more intoxicating. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path ] No! Please. Forgive me. Stay.. and allow me to show you that I.. am not like the others. Yes. I know. You have many admirers.. and I am but one.

[ sits next to her again ]

Cigarette? [ purses his lips, then lights two cigarettes in his mouth at once, and hands her one ] Ah, cigarettes. Delicious.. and dangerous. We know they are no good for us.. but we give in.. for the sensual pleasure of the moment. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path again ] No, no! Don’t go! Pay no attention to the idling ramblings of man afflicted with.. dare I say.. no, I dare not. My little wide-eyed, white-tailed doe. [ extends his hand ] Come.. with me. I want to show you something. [ leads her over to his balcony ] Whoops! Watch that step! Look out there.. the twinkling lights twinkling.. in the inky black of night.. like some colossal backdrop.. painted by the hands of Michelangelo. [ walks down the hal and points to a door ] Would you like to see.. the bedroom?

[ she quickly turns around and heads for the door, but he jumps ahead of her in time to block the door ]

No, no, please. Go, if you must go.. but allow me to send for a car.. to take you where you will, or.. to him. [ she lowers her head ] I see that you blush. We will talk of other things. I spoke before of my three great passions. One.. the fine champagna. Another.. the art.. of massage. Yes! I am a fully-trained and licensed masseur. You see my diploma.. from the University of Beijing. I see you are skeptical.. but please.. let me demonstrate for you the powers that can be released by the human hand! Trust me! You needn’t remove your things. You need only lie on your stomach.. here.. on the couch. [ she looks over at it ] Trust me! I am a professional!

[ she lies down on the couch, as he begins to massage her from off-camera ]

Ohhhh.. your muscles are very tight! Fear.. in your shoulders and neck zone. You are at war with yourself, my dear. You must learn to let go! [ he drops to the floor, looking up ather as she lies on the couch ] How’s that! Doesn’t that feel good! [ he gets up and massages some more ] It extends from the base of the skull.. down the spine, all the way down.. here.. to the tip of the.. [ he reaches her private area, so she quickly rises and runs to open the door ] But.. I haven’t called for your car yet! My little sparrow.. must you fly so soon? [ sighs ] Very well. You have made oyur decision.. and you must go.. but please.. just stand here.. as you are for just a moment. Your hair flowing.. your chest.. heaving. Your eyes ablaze.. about to disappear.. like some..

[ too late, she’s already out the door and down the hall ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 20th, 1990

Christopher Walken

Bonnie Raitt

None

Tom Davis
The Tonight ShowSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) welcomes Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) and Andrew Dice Clay (Jon Lovitz) to the show, as Ed McMahon (Phil Hartman) chimes in through a pre-recorded voice module.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Mikhail Gorbachev, Andrew Dice Clay.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Keeping a straight, emotionless face, Christopher Walken insists that he’s excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live,” then sings “Throwin’ A Ball Tonight” and tap dances to prove it.

Also Hosted: 92d, 95j, 99p, 00t, 02m.

Transcript

Colon BlowNote: Repeat from 11/11/89.

Eternity

Girlfriend Dumping ServiceSummary: To end their relationship, Linda Parker’s (Victoria Jackson) boyfriend sends a professional liaison (Christopher Walken) to do his dirty work for him.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Have a Heart”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man.

The ContinentalSummary: The suave yet unsophisticated Continental (Christopher Walken) welcomes a woman to his penthouse apartment.

Note: This recurring sketch is based on a short-lived CBS program that aired Saturday nights during the 1952-53 season, and starred Renzo Cesana as The Continental. Its target audience was lonely women who didn’t have dates for the evening; the combination of the subjective camera angles and the Continental’s charm was designed to make these women believe they were being romanced through their TV sets!

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

AttitudesSummary: Sports enthusiast Rainbow Head (Christopher Walken) chats with Linda Dano (Nora Dunn) and Dee Kelly (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Linda Dano, Dee Kelly.

Lease With An Option To KillSummary: Bitter with defeat, Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) supervises the construction of his new top-secret headquarters, which will be the end of agent James Bond (Phil Hartman) once it’s complete. Too bad the smirking Bond has been captured ahead of schedule, and isn’t the least bit impressed by Zorin’s plans.

Recurring Characters: James Bond.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Thing Called Love”

Hardbound

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Hemphill…..Ed O’Neill

Wayne & Garth:
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

Garth: Al-right! Par-ty! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay. Before we bring out our first guest.. uh, Garth.. what dd you get for Christmas?

Garth: [ excited ] I got a GameBoy.

Wayne: Excellent! What else?

Garth: A Bat-Man poster with Kim Basinger – what a ba-a-a-abe!

Wayne: Shyeah! No guff! [ growls ]

Garth: Oh, yeah – and, uh.. you got me the Nintendo Powr Glove. Thanks, Wayne!

Wayne: Hey, it’s mny pleasure, you’re a bud! Schwing!

Garth: Schwing!

[ they both growl excitedly ]

Garth: So what did you get, Wayne?

Wayne: Oh, I got, uh.. $50 and a pair of jeans.

Garth: Ex-cellent!

Wayne: Shyeah, except the jeabs they got me were flairs.

Garth: Flairs? No way!

Wayne: Way! They’re heinous!

Garth: Inde-ee-eed!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s move on to our new feature, okay? It’s called “Viewer Mail”.

“Viewer Mail!!Viewer Mail!!Party time!!Excellent!!”

Okay! Alright, we get letters, right? And, from time to time, we respond. Right? Uh.. and this letter is from, uh.. Kurt, Jane & austin, from here in Aurora. And he writes: “Dear Wayne: What does Garth think about when Wayne is talking?” Gee.. I really don’t know..

[ the camera pans over to Garth, who appears fidgety at the idea of his thoughts being read by Wayne ]

Wayne V/O: “I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I wasn’t such a tool..”

Garth: [ mad at the joke played on him ] Oh, very funny, Wayne! You gimp!

Wayne: Good comeback – sphincter boy! Extreme Close-Up! [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Garth: [ the camera zooms in on Garth ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Wayne: [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!! [ a beat ] Okay! Alright!

Garth: Ex-cellent! Good Close-Up!

Wayne: Alright, let’s bring out our first guest! You all know him, he’s the Driver’s Ed teacher at Aurora High! Please welcome.. Mr. Hemphill!

[ Mr. Hemphill ambles down the stairs to the basement, as Wayne plays him in ]

“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ Mr. Hemphill takes his seat next to Garth on the couch, hunched over and menacing a he sits ]

Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mr. Hemphill!

Mr. Hemphill: Thanks, Wayne.

Wayne: Uh.. you know Garth, of course.

Garth: [ nervous and scared ] Hi, Mr. Hemphill..!

Mr. Hemphill: Hello, Garth. How’s the parallel parking coming?

Garth: [ uncomfortable ] Good..! Good..!

Mr. Hemphill: Right to go right; left to go let.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: You know, Mr. Hemphill – having you on the show is kind of like having a king on the show. So.. welcome, Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth try to hide their laughter, but are not very subtle about it ]

Mr. Hemphill: [ confused ] Pardon me?

Wayne: [ laughing ] I-I said.. “Welcome.. Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth laugh out loud ]

Wayne: Okay, sorry..!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Mr. Hemphill, in your opinion, what is the most important thing a young guy should know when he’s just starting out driving? What should he know?

Mr. Hemphill: Well.. he should know that.. driving is a privilege, not a right. A car is really just a means of getting from A to B – not a sort of phallic symbol. It’s power under control. In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon capable of horrendous damage. In many ways a car is a.. pulverizing death monster, with a glass and steel persona. [ the anxiety in his tone spirals more and more out of control ] A vicious.. unforgiving beast, whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage! A killing machine, worthy of its nickname.. The Widowmaker!

Wayne: Bonus. Anything else?

Mr. Hemphill: Just this: Don’t believe in turning signals! Just assume that all the other drivers on the road are lying!

Wayne: Okay.. thanks..

Mr. Hemphill: [ still raving out of control ] Geez! The two-faced bastards! Caught up in a web of lies so tangled, they’d rather hand their mothers over to the Gestapo than tell the truth! c A sea of liars so untrustworthy, they should be slaughtered, like so much human cattle!

Wayne: Bonus! Well, it’s nice to know you’re operating the second brake! Okay.. uh.. two days ago, Garth and I got caught bringing a can of pop into the Driver’s Ed classroom.. even though there’s a big, humongoid sign saying you’re not supposed to, right? So to make up to Mr. Hemphill – and, to ensure that he doesn’t kill us in our sleep – we’re gonna do a Publi Service Announcement about drinking and driving. Okay, Mr. Hemphill, you gotta stay here, okay?

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Uh.. [ chanting ] “Public Service Announcement! Public Service Announcement! Party time! Excellent!” Okay! [ get started ]

“Don’t Drink & Drive”, by Wayne & Garth. Okay!

[ Wayne and Garth stand behind the couch, Wayne chugging from a prop bottle ]

Wayne: “Oh, wow! Great party! I’m gonna go home now!”

Garth: [ interceding ] “No! Hey, man.. you’re drunk! I’m calling a cab!”

Wayne: [ resisting ] “I’m not drunk! I can drive! I don’t need a cab! Cabs are for sissies!“

Garth: “Shut up! you’re drunk! Shut up, just shut up!“

Wayne: “You shut up! [ climbs on top of the couch, simulating being behind the wheel ] Ka-chunk!” [ starts to “drive” away ]

[ from under the couch, Garth holds up a paper tree, which he moves back and forth to simulate the scenery moving behind Wayne ]

Wayne: [ chugging from the prop bottle ] “Hic! Hic! [ speeds further ] Hey, let’s see what this baby is made of!”

[ Garth moves the paper tree back and forth faster from unde the couch ]

Wayne: “Oh, no! I’m going out of control! [ Garth scatters the movement of the paper tree ] I’m gonna hit that railway ?? [ uses a harmonica to simulate honking his horn ] Oh, no!” [ crashes, lying flat on the back of the couch ]

Garth: “Ka-boom!!“

[ Wayne nods his head, down simulating being passed out on top of the wheel ]Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ they simulate an ambulance arriving to attempt Wayne’s rescue ]

[ using the harmonica, Wayne simulates his heart rate beeping on the heart monitor ]

Garth: “Scalpel..! Sponge..! Oh no, he’s dying! Everybody clear! Ka-chune! [ ] Oh!!”

[ Wayne bounces back to life ]

Garth: “Alright! ] Wayne collapses again ] Ah, he’s dead! He’s dead again!”

Wayne: [ sits up ] “Because of..”

Wayne & Garth: “..drinking and driving!”

[ they stand, miming going down in an elevator behind the couch ]

“Love in an elevator..!”

Wayne: “The end!”

Garth: “The end!”

[ Wayne and Garth return to Mr. Hemphill ]

Wayne: So, Mr. Hemphill.. what did you think?

Mr. Hemphill: I think it’s a shame.

Wayne: A shame?

Mr. Hemphill: Yes. It’s a shame that the drunk driver didn’t suffer a little before he died!

Wayne: Thank you, Your Heinous! Okay! That’s all the time we have for this week! Until then, party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: [ singing ]
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Bush-Noriega

Guard…..Tom Davis
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, random prison walls ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]

Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.

[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]

President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!

Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!

President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?

Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?

President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.

Manuel Noriega: Jeb?

President George Bush: Just great, doing great.

Manuel Noriega: Neil?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.

President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.

President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..

Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?

President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!

Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..

President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..

Manuel Noriega: I know..

President George Bush: ..you kinda brought it on yourself.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!

President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!

President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!

Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!

President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]

President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..

Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!

President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..

President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!

President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!

President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.

Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.

President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] ..you would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!

President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!

Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!

President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?

Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]

President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]

President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!

Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..

President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]

Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] ..you throw out..

President George Bush: This had better work!

Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

President George Bush: Open the porthole!

Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!

President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!!

[ cut to explosion footage ]

[ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]

President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

I Got What You Need

Stash…..Ed O’Neill
Stuffy Lady…..Nora Dunn
Tony…..Kevin Nealon
Sick Man…..Jon Lovitz
Young Man…..Mike Myers
Crabby Lady…..Jan Hooks
Old Man…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Stash’s shop, as a Stuffy Lady enters ]

Stash: Can I help you, lady?

Stuffy Lady: [ in a thick, stuffy accent ] Yes, you cahn. The recipe I’m using calls for a foot-long salami. Do you have a foot-long salami?

Stash: Have I got a salami? Oh, I got a salami, lady.. and I do believe it’s twelve inches long! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, smiles ] Maybe bigger!

Stash: That’s what I’m thinking! So, yeah, I got your salami right here! [ points down behind the counter, towards his crotch, then looks up curiously ] Tony, where’s that salami?

Tony: [ looks around ] Oh. It’s hanging right up there, next to the bratwurst.

Stash: Oh! Oh, yeah! [ grabs the salami and wraps it in butcher block paper ] Here you are, lady, here’s a nice salami.. it cost you $5.

Stuffy Lady: Thank you. [ exits shop ]

Tony: [ calls out the door ] I hope it’s the size you need!

[ Sick Man enters the shop ]

Stash: Can I help you, sir?

Sick Man: Well, gee, my throat is so scratchy.. I’ve got this tickle.. Do you have a lozenge or a.. hard candy? I need something to suck on.

Stash: Oh, I got something you can suck on. You can suck on this all day! [ nonchalantly scotts a box of lozenges across the counter ] It’s a 12-hour lozenge, it’s brand new, right off ther market.

Sick Man: Oh, great! Thanks!

Stash: Hey, now don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Sick Man: [ chuckles ] O-kay, I won’t! [ exits shop ]

[ Young Man enters shop ]

Young Man: Excuse me, um.. but I was looking for a gift for my grandmother? I’d kinda like it to be a sort of surprise.

Stash: [ grins ] Oh, I got a surprise for Granny! Yeah, something that will make her eyes pop right out! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping ] You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Stash: Yeah. [ begins to adjust the apron around his waist ] Something that she hasn’t had in a long time, but I bet she wants some again? [ reaches along the back shelf ] A beautiful.. heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Young Man: Oh, that’s perfect!

Stash: That’ll be $15.

Young Man: Oh, alright.. [ puts his money on the counter ] There you go. Thanks a lot!

Stash: Yeah – be careful, they’re sticky.

[ Young Man exits shop, as Crabby Lady enters ]

Stash: [ approaches Crabby Lady ] Can I help you, lady?

Crabby Lady: No, I’ll find what I need.

Stash: Well, you know, if I can help-

Crabby Lady: [ annoyed ] Look, what do I look – stupid?

Stash: Listen, lady.. you come in here every day, and every day you’re mean and crabby! Do you know what you need?

Crabby Lady: No.. what?

Stash: I’ll tell you what you need. What you need.. is a good.. long.. hot.. [ a beat ] ..bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Crabby Lady: Well.. do you have one you can recommend.

Stash: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t. Tony? Could you recommend a bubble bath?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, stares blankly ] Uhhhh.. Bubble, uh.. King?

Stash: Uh, no.. don’t listen to him – he’s not right. You’d be better off trying Walgreen’s over across the street.

Crabby Lady: [ more annoyed ] Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for nothing! [ storms out ]

Tony: No pleasing some people, hey, Stach?

Stash: Ohhh, I got something that would please her, right here in my pants!

Tony: [ laughs ] Yeah?

Stash: Yeah. [ reaches in his pocket and pulls out a sample ] It’s a buble bath sample, come in the mail.

Tony: [ laughs ]

Old Man: Exc-cuse me.. excuse me..? Do you sell costumes.. fright wigs.. rubber spiders..? Something really scary?

Stash: Hmm.. yeah, I got something really scary. Yeah, it scared the hell out of my wife, first time I dshowed it to her! She said, “You come near me with that thing, I’m divorcing you.” Yeah, I like to call it my one-eyed monster!

Old Man: Well.. w-well.. can you.. c-can you show it to me?

Stash: You sure you want to see it?

Old Man: Well.. s-s-sure, I am..

Stash: Okay. Come here. [ steps behind the counter, reaching down below the front of his pants ] Come on. Look down here, behind the counter.

[ the old man peers over the counter, as Stash pulls up a cyclops man, screaming to scare the old man who’s also screaming ]

Stash: That’s pretty scary, huh? Yeah, it’s a rubber cyclops mask. See, it’s got the eye right there in the middle!

Old Man: [ laughing ] Th-that’s really awful! I love, it!

Stash: Yeah, $30.

Old Man: You got yourself a deal! [ pays his money ]

Stash: Keep it dry.

Old Man: Thanks! [ marvels at his new mask as he exits the shop ]

Stash: Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Tony: [ curious ] Oh, yeah? home for lunch, what’s the occasion?

Stash: Well, you know.. the wife hasn’t seen the Ol’ Johnson for quite a while.

Tony: That’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

Stash: I know. That’s why I invited him over.

Tony: Good idea. Hey, how old is the Ol’ Johnson now?

Stash: Ah, he’s 83. Yeah, the young Johnson, he’s 65.. so he’s really not that young.

Tony: Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be Ol’ Johnsons, huh!

Stash: [ laughs, exits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Ed O’Neill’s Monologue

…..Ed O’Neill
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dana Carvey
…..Maury Povich

Ed O’Neill: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now, before I begin.. for those of you who don’t get FOX television in your city, I’m not a contest winner. I’m, uh.. I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and.. I’m not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I’m actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star of the television show “Married.. With Children”.

[ audience applauds with excitement ]

There’s a special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because over the past year, both this show and “Married.. With Children” have come under attack from certain groups for crossing the boundaries of good taste. Now, we both lost some sponsors, we both had some bad press.. but it’s one year later, and “Saturday Night Live”‘s still here.. and “Married.. With Children”‘s still here.. and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come!

[ audience applauds, as Jan Hooks and Dana Carvey appear next to Ed ]

Jan Hooks: Hi. Excuse me.

Ed O’Neill: Hey. What’s up?

Jan Hooks: Yeah, we were watching wth the cast backstage, you know? We heard what you said, and.. well, we would kinda appreciate it if you would please not, you know.. link oour show with yours?

Dana Carvey: Yeah, ’cause, you know, um.. look, to be honest, I gotta be honest with you here, uh.. we find your show, uh.. incredibly offensive.. um.. I mean, it’s just gross, you know what I mean?

Ed O’Neill: Yeah.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, I, uh.. I saw the last episode, and, uh.. it just really made my stomach turn. So, uh.. so, if you, you know, just leave us out of it, that would be good.

Ed O’Neill: Oh! Okay.

Dana Carvey: You mind? Okay. Great!

Jan Hooks: Otherwise, you’re doing great. Good luck. See you later.

Ed O’Neill: Okay.

Dana Carvey: Okay, take care.

[ Dan and Jan exit the stage ]

Ed O’Neill: That’s Dan Carvey.. Jan Hooks.

[ audience applauds ]

Well, th-there’s another special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because.. for the first time, a performer from the FOX network has been invited to host “Saturday Night Live”. FOX has taken some flak.. and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes.. but I think this shows that FOX has arrived and is gonna be here for a long time!

[ audience applauds, as Maury Povich appears next to Ed ]

Maury Povich: Hi, Ed!

Ed O’Neill: Hey, Maury Povich! From “A Current Affair”! How’s Connie?

Maury Povich: Connie’s fine! Fine, Ed. But, uh.. uh.. Ed.. uh.. look. If you could possibly downplay your association with FOX.. we’d really appreciate it. Because, frankly, uh.. Ed.. a lot of us at FOX find the show sickening. It’s sophmoric.. it’s crude.. and it’s.. it’s.. just a lot of third-grade bathroom humor. And-and it’s hardly representative of the quality programming at FOX.

Ed O’Neill: [ nodding his head ] Okay. Okay.

Maury Povich: I mean, we’ve got the guys and the reporters, you know, they’re busting their butts..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah, I know.

Maury Povich: Uh.. the kids at “Jump Street”..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah..

Maury Povich: You know. Of course, I mean myself and the staff at “A Current Affair”.. [ turns for menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair” ]

Ed O’Neill: I’m sorry.

Maury Povich: Otherwise.. hey, I think it’s going great!

Ed O’Neill: Thanks. See you later, Maury.

Maury Povich: See you later. [ turns again for a menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair”, then exits stage ]

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Ed O’Neill: Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here, but uh.. Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and something! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar…..Mike Myers
Tyler…..Phil Hartman
Faldor…..Ed O’Neill

Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?

Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!

Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!

Faldor: Mine, as well!

Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!

Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!

Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!

Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena’s teats, if I hand her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.

Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!

Lothar: My woman’s family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!

Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!

Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.

Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!

Lothar: Ah, I know it well – it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.

Tyler: I drank many falgens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!

Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this – they frighten cattle!

Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!

Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own – women?

Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!

Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!

All: Men!!

Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!

[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]

Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!

Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!

Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order – one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!

Tyler: Yes!

Lothar: Yes! Let us sing “The Man Song”! You know the tune!

[ they stand ]

All: [ singing ]
“Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!”

[ they laugh ]

Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!

Faldor: Let us sing another verse!

Tyler: Yes!

Woman’s Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!

Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Goodnights

…..Ed O’Neill

Ed O’Neill: Hey, listen – I want to thank everybody for coming! It’s been a, uh.. a great night. I want to thank Harry Connick, Jr..

Harry Connick, Jr.: Thank you.

Ed O’Neill: ..Maury Povich, and uh.. I want to thank all the great “Saturday Night Live” cast members. And the band – they made me feel good! Thank you all, and I hope you had a good time, and uh.. bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

BiziLady

…..Jan Hooks
…..Nora Jones
…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Victoria Jackson running through the streets of New York to catch a cab. Once inside, she casually removes product from purse and nicks off a few unwanted hairs around her knees. ]

Jingle:
“She’s on the go
Movin’ fast
She’s gonna make that smooth look last.
She’s BiziLadyyyyyyyy!BiziLady!”

[ cut to Nora Dunn at a business meeting. As she makes her presentation, she casually reaches underneath the table to nick a few unwanted hairs from her leg with product. The men do their best to get a look under the table. ]

“She’s movin’ up now
And men don’t care.
‘Cause they can’t see unwanted hair.
Under the ladyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Jan Hooks on a date at the opera. Paying no mind to the other people in the theatre, she stretches her arm up and uses product to remove a few unwanted hairs from her armpit. Her date expresses his pleasure. ]

“She’s soft to touch
Not like a man.
Just want to stay as smooth as she can.
With BiziLadyyyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Victoria Jackson picking up her young daughter at school. The young girl is using a simulated product to remove unwanted hairs from a baby doll’s leg. As Victoria leans down, her daughter uses the product to remove a few unwanted hairs from Victoria’s upper lip. ]

“She’s soft and sleek
Smooth and soft
Sleek and soft
Soft and soft.
BiziLady!”

[ show product in front of a perfectly-shaved wonman’s leg ]

Announcer: Now there isn’t anywhere you can’t be smooth.

BiziLady. The anywhere shaver from Go Girl Products.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

SNL In The 90’s

…..Lorne Michaels
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Phil Hartman

Lorne Michaels: Hello, I’m Lorne Michaels. And, as you know, this is our first show of the 1990’s. And all of us here at “Saturday Night Live” are very excited. For you see, unlike other television shows, we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade, and all the changes it is bringing.

First of all, from now on all cast members will be equipped with jetpacks, to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.

[ Church Lady hovers by slowly on a jetpack ]

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, Church Lady, it truly is. Another change is that you’ll no longer be listening to the “Saturday Night Live” band. Recent advances in audio technology have enabled us to replace them with this silicon globule. [ displays the globule ] Similar advances have enabled us to replace Jon Lovitz.. with this.

Globule V/O: Yes.. that is the tick-et.

Lorne Michaels: We’ll be gradually automating all of our cast members, with the execption of Phil Hartman.. who, as you know, is an android.

[ smiling, android-like Phil Hartman steps up to give Lorne a handshake ]

Phil Hartman: Hello, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Phil.

[ android Phil Hartman steps backwards off the stage, barely moving a muscle ]

Lorne Michaels: But that’s not at all. The “Saturday Night Live” of the 90’s will also make food for you. Just place your “Saturday Night Live” frozen dinner in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing, and the show will emit ultraviolet rays that will cook it in three minutes. It’s a delicious meal, and it’s made by Stouffer’s.

[ a futuristic logo flies into the righthand corner of the screen, its colors throbbing and glowing vibrantly as Lorne talks ]

Ah! It’s the new “Saturday Night Live” logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90’s, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and hapes reveal how you’re responding to a sketch.

[ the silicon globule screeches ]

I see we’d better wrap things up. But, before I go, just one more feature of the show, that you’ll find at your local drugstore. From now on, if you miss a show for any reason, you can grab a “Saturday Night Live” rerun pill, pop it in your mouth, and enjoy. [ pops a rerun pill into his mouth ] Mmm.. Tony Danza! It still holds up!

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these changes throughout the decade, and that you’ll learn to-

Don Pardo V/O: Wait a minute, Lorne! You forgot me!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, I’m sorry! Don! [ a stangehand hands a tortoise to Lorne ] I forgot to mention that the voicebox of our announcer, Don Pardo, has been surgically-implanted in a young tortoise. This will ensure that Don will be the voice of “Saturday Night Live” for the next 150 years! Right, Don?

[ close-up of the tortoise, his mouth actually moving in sync to Don Pardo’s V/O ]

Don Pardo V/O: Right, Lorne!

[ dissolve to new futuristic “Saturday Night Live” logo glowing different colors ]

Don Pardo V/O: The new “Saturday Night Live”. Retooled, state-of-the-art.. high-tech entertainment that has the Japanese on the run.

[ dissolve back to wide shot of Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think.. we have a lot to offer. And all of us here at the show hope we’ll be in your future. Thank you.

[ the image of Lorne Michaels folds inward, into a line, then is covered by a bright light and disappears the same way the picture does when older televisions are turned off ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts