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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Observational Stand-ups

Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Comedian #2…..Tom Hanks
Steve…..Dennis Miller
Jeff…..Dana Carvey

Comedian #2: So, Bob, how’s he doing?

Bob: Hey, he’s up for the portable condom bed.

Comedian #2: So, anyway, I’m flying back from the Coast after my “Hesson Brothers” gig.

Bob: Hey, how did it go?

Comedian #2: Oh, great, great. Anyway I’m sitting in coach and I’m thinking, “hey, whay do they call it coach?”

Bob: Hey, they don’t have any coaches there.

Comedian #2: No way.

Bob: Hey, it’s false advertising.

Comedian #2: Business class has business men. If I’m in coach I wanna meet Don Shula!

Bob: Hey, what happens if a coach sits in business class? Does he become a General Manager? I wanna know!

Comedian #2: Hey, it’s Steve.

Bob: Hey, Steve!

Steve: How’s everybody doin’?

Bob: Hey, great!

Steve: Hey, it’s great to be here.

Comedian #2: So, Steve, babe, what’s goin’ on?

Steve: Well I just got back from eatin’ Mexican and I’m thinking, hey, what’s the deal with these refried beans? I mean, hey, why do they have to fry them twice?

Bob: Hey, you don’t eat them twice.

Steve: Does that mean you get two checks? I mean my compliments to the chef, again.

Comedian #2: Excuse me, but with all this banter, I’m in a java state of mind. Anybody?

Bob: Hey, no thanks.

Steve: So, Bob, this refried beans thing…

Bob: Hey, you got more.

Steve: Yeah. Is the chef wearing bifocals, I wanna know.

Bob: And, hey, why are blind people always wearing sunglasses? I mean, hey, do deaf people wear ear muffs? I don’t know about you but I gotta wonder.

Comedian #2: Hey, guys, what do you say to God when he sneezes? Just a side thought.

Bob: Hey.

Steve: Hey, and twice baked potatoes. Same deal!

Bob: Hey, Steve, let it go.

Comedian #2: So, Bob, I hear your girlfriend moved out.

Bob: Oh, yeah. Hey, couldn’t make a commitment.

Comedian #2: Hey, that’s too bad.

Steve: Sorry to hear it.

Bob: Yeah, well I’ll never forget when she was moving out. I remember thinking, “hey, why do they call it moving out?”

Comedian #2: She’s not gonna live outdoors.

Bob: No way. She’s gonna go right into another building. And, hey, why do they call it a building?

Comedian #2: You never se anyone building it!

Steve: Hey, they should call it a built.

Comedian #2: Hey, why do they call it half-and-half? I mean, hey, what if it’s only half full? Does that make it quarter-quarter?

Steve: And hey, the top half is cream and the bottom half milk, they should call it crilk.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t.

Steve: Yes, they should.

Bob: No, they shouldn’t. They should call it meam.

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Comedian #2: Hey, hey. Guys, guys! I mean, hey! Hey, guys, No man is an island! And what about that Gilligan’s island?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean?

Comedian #2: Where did the Howells get all these baskets of clothes? It was a 3-hour tour. A 3-hour tour! What are they gonna do change their outfits every 10 minutes? I have got to know!

Steve: Hey, Jeff, how did it go?

Jeff: Hey, hot crowd, I’m saying I really scored with my Gilligan’s Island bit, yes.

Steve: Gilligan’s Island bit?

Jeff: Oh, yeah, the whole 3 hour tour thing, yes indeed.

Bob: Hey, that’s Bill’s bit.

Jeff: Bill’s bit?

Bob: Excuse me, I got a set to do. Hey, great minds think alike!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Sentimental Pawn Shop

Pawn Shop Owner…..Phil Hartman
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Man…..Kevin Nealon
Second Woman…..Nora Dunn
Third Woman…..Victoria Jackson

Woman: Hello.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.

Woman: Hi! Yes. I’ve never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it’s.. well, it’s sentimental value..

Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.

Woman: Oh.. gosh, that’s great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It’s a moon, see?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..

Woman: And those, they’re not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..

Pawn Shop Owner: I know – he said he’d give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?

Woman: Yes, he did!

Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?

Woman: No.. no..

Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It’s worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?

Woman: No. No, it didn’t work out.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?

Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.

Woman: What?! Oh, that’s great! I didn’t think I would get that much!

Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I’ll be happy to take a look at them.

Woman: Well, thank you!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?

Man: I’d like to pawn this item, it’s a plastic piano.

Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?

Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?

Man: Oh, yeah!

Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?

Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.

Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?

Man: She’s still alive. [ a beat ] She’s not well.

Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I’ll be honest with you. This’ll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.

Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you’ve got a point.

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.

Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I’ll come back.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’ll be here!

Man: Thank you. [ exits ]

[ two ladies enter ]

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I’d like to buy a bronze baby shoe.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?

Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I’d say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?

Third Woman: You’re so smart!

Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?

Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he’d never do it again.

Pawn Shop Owner: He didn’t mend his ways, did he?

Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.

Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I’m sorry, this little doggie isn’t worth the fuzz that it’s made out of..

Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don’t know.

Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I’ll take this one.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.

Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?

Second Woman: Yeah. I was ’69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.

Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.

Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that’s engraved “Judy”.

Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they’re alphabetized back there.

Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]

Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids’ drawings! They’re selling like hotcakes!

Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we’ll do business.

Third Woman: Okay!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?

Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?

Second Woman: Oh, that’s just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one’s exquisite!

Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.

Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we’re talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you’ll come back here!

Second Woman: Alright, I will!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I’d love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother’s diary? Sure, I’ll take them! Your father’s ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks
Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

[ they come out and sit ]

It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?

Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.

Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.

Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.

Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?

Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?

Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.

Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –

Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.

Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.

Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.

Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!

Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.

Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!

Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.

Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –

Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.

Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!

Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: You’ve heard him introduce hit music for two decades, and now available for a limited time only, M-Tel Records presetns “Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles”!

Casey Kasem: [ singing in monotone ] “Here comes the sun, and doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright.”

Announcer: That’s right – Casey will sing all your Beatles favorites. Who can forget this classic:

Casey Kasem: “Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields. Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Penny Lane”, “A Day In The Life”, “She Loves You”, “Elenoir Rigby, and no Beatles album would be complete without this favorite:

Casey Kasem: “Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Boing!“

Announcer: Casey hopes you’ll enjoy this album of his favorite Beatles song. We think you’ll agree they’re fab!

Casey Kasem: “I am the Eggman. They are the Eggman. I am the Walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo!”

Announcer: Just send $19.95 to Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles, care of Casey Productions, 100 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, California. $1 for postage and handling.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Girl Watchers A Go Go

Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Other Girl Watcher…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing on a street corner, as a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 49th and First. Excellent corner for scoping out the babes!

Girl Watcher #2: You said a mouthful!

Girl atcher #1: Whoa! Stop the presses! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #2: What have we here?

Girl Watcher #1: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye..

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: Not interested in me at all.

Girl Watcher #2: No reaction whatsoever.

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, brother. Way too pretty for this hombre.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah.. Oh, boy.. here comes another live one.

Girl Watcher #1: Mama mia!

Girl Watcher #2: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye.

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah.

Girl Watcher #2: Out of my league.

Girl Watcher #1: Mine, too.

Girl Watcher #2: Boy.. wouldn’t give me the time ‘o day.

Girl Watcher #1: Well, lookie here!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh.. me likes what me sees.

Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.

Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.

Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.

Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.

Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.

Girl Watcher #1: I’d be hurt and disappointed if it didn’t happen so often.

Girl Watcher #2: So true.

Girl Watcher #1: Whoa! Babe alert!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Oh, no..

Girl Watcher #1: Like we didn’t even exist.

Girl Watcher #2: Completely indifferent.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes.

Girl Watcher #2: She wasn’t even that attractive. But still out of my reach. A sad comment on my life.

Girl Watcher #1: Yours and mine both. The good Lord gave me this body, and there ain’t no changing it now.

Girl Watcher #2: A-men!

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah, this ol’ head’s just way out of proportion for this body.

Girl Watcher #2: And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

Girl Watcher #1: Tru-ly sad.

Girl Watcher #2: Okay, here we go. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

Together: Strike Three!

Girl Watcher #2: So, we are out!

Girl Watcher #1: Why did we even try? We have little sense of fashion, and we can’t even lure them weith money.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. We’ve got low-paying jobs with no hope for advancement.

Girl Watcher #1: And worse yet, I make poor conversation.

Girl Watcher #2: I.. hear ya!

Other Girl Watcher: [ walks up ] Hey, excuse me, fellas, but this is my corner!

Girl Watcher #1: No problem, amigo. We were just calling it quits.

Other Girl Watcher: No luck?

Girl Watcher #2: You know it.

Other Girl Watcher: I’d make fun of you guys, but I am just one sad sack myself.

Girl Watcher #1: Small consolation.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah.

[ the first two Girl Watchers exit the scene ]

Other Girl Watcher: Let the games commence!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Delivery Room

Doctor…..Tom Hanks
Expectant Father…..Dana Carvey
Second Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Expectant Mother…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Expectant Father standing outside the delivery room ]

Doctor: [ from inside the delivery room ] Okay, now! Now! Push! Push! Come on, you can do it! Push! Push!

[ Expectant Father runs into the delivery room to find Expectant Mother pushing a hospital bed against the wall ]

Doctor: Harder now! Keep pushing! Good! Now, lay on the bed. Excuse me, sir, I thought we told you to wait outside.

Expectant Father: Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay. [ is pushed outside ] I’ll wait here. [ paces floor ]

[ the sound of crying can be heard ]

Second Doctor: You can do it, Doctor! You can deliver this baby!

[ Expectant Father rushes into the delivery room to find the Doctor crying and being consoled by a second doctor ]

Doctor: No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

Second Doctor: Hey! Sir! Would you please wait outside?

Expectant Father: Okay.. okay.. I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] I know.. I know.. [ paces the floor ]

Expectant Mother: Oh! Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful!

[ Expectant Father rushes back into the delivery room to find the Doctor showing off a painting of his to the Expectant Mother ]

Doctor: Thank you, you really think so? You see what I tried to do with the distance? I did some shading here, way off in the back.. Sir! Please!

Expectant Father: Okay, I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] Okay, I’ll wait out here.. [ paces ]

Doctor: [ exits from the delivery room ] I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Expectant Father: What?! What is it?!

Doctor: Well.. we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch. We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes, and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Expectant Father: Well, yeah, but what about my wife?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.

[ Expectant Mother is wheeled out with the baby in her arms ]

Expectant Father: Oh, honey!

Expectant Mother: Isn’t he wonderful?

Doctor: Now, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.

Expectant Father: But, what about, uh.. you?

Doctor: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m in another sketch over there, it’s much, much better than this one.

Expectant Father: We won’t forget this Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, I think you will. So long. Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Calgary ’88

Mark Mossano…..Tom Hanks
Jim McKay…..Dana Carvey
Dick Button……Phil Hartman
Peggy Fleming…..Jan Hooks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

[ GRAPHIC: ABC SPORTS CALGARY 1988 LOGO ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

Jim McKay (V/O): We’re back live at the Saddledome in Calgary, where Mark Mossano, the young figure skater from Rockford, Illinois is about to face the greatest test of his life.

[ MARK MOSSANO, wearing a kid’s cowboy hat and a studded periwinkle unitard, waits to go on the rink. ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ Announcers JIM MCKAY and DICK BUTTON stand next to each other holding microphones. ]

Jim McKay: Hello, I’m Jim McKay and with me is Dick Button.

Dick Button: Hello.

Jim McKay: Dick, Dick… Mark is not expected to win a medal here in Calgary and realistically – – he has no chance for one.

Dick Button: No, but Jim, watching him skate earlier today… I don’t think that’s on his mind. I think he’s here for the sheer thrill of competing in the Olympics.

Jim McKay: Well, what is it about Mark Mossano that makes him so exciting? Certainly for technique, he’s no match for the skaters we’ve seen tonight.

Dick Button: Well, Jim, it’s that elusive quality we call… style. He skates with an abandon that’s almost primitive and how fitting for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can say is — I very much like this young man.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ICE RINK – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano takes to the center of the ice. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): He’s taking the ice now.

[ Mossano poses his arms in the air and waits for the music. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): Mark Mossano.

[ The theme from “Bonanza” begins playing on the speakers. Mossano stumbles. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A stumble!

[ Mossano pulls out two, toy pistols from the holsters on his unitard and starts prancing on the ice. ]

Dick Button (V/O): But what a bold choice of music! And what a marvelous costume! A fitting choice for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town.

[ The music changes to 1930’s big band ensemble. Mossano continues to prance. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A tempo change! Very dramatic.

Jim McKay (V/O): How true.

Dick Button (V/O): Very nice. You know Jim, watching him skate, I’m reminded of a young Robin Cousins.

Jim McKay (V/O): Really? How so, Dick?

Dick Button (V/O): Well… it’s hard to explain. Never mind.

[ Mossano tip-toe dances on the ice, flailing the toy guns near his lips. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Whoa-ho! Look at those six-shooters blazing! He’s taking that ice like some modern-day Wyatt Earp; attacking it with verve and pizzazz and fun.

[ Mossano strikes a finishing pose. ]

Dick Button (V/O): A winning, marvelous program and a sexy one to boot!

Jim McKay (V/O): Definitely… very sexy.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ McKay and Button side-by-side. ]

Jim McKay: Now let us watch young Mark Mossano as he waits to see the judges scoring…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano pants heavily and views the scoring board off screen. ]

[ SUPER: URS-0.1, FRG-0.1, USA-0.1, CAN-0.1, GDR-0.0, AUS-0.2, TCH-0.0, GBR-0.0, POL-0.0

Dick Button (V/O): 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0 — that’s the East German judge. 0.2, another no, 0.0, 0.0 and another 0.0.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

Dick Button: Well Jim, I really think these scores are very low. I really do.

Jim McKay: Well Dick, Peggy Fleming is ringside with Mark to get his reaction. Let’s go to Peggy…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ PEGGY FLEMING stands next to Mossano, who’s panting harder than before. ]

Peggy Fleming: Well, technically Mark that was the best I’ve ever seen you skate. Um, what was it tonight that was special for you?

[ Mossano can’t speak due to his panting. ]

Peggy Fleming: Okay… um, did the performance of your teammate Brian Boitano give you a lift?

[ Mossano shakes his head yet still not speak. ]

Peggy Fleming: Uh-huh… well, is there anything you’d like to say to your family back home?

Mark Mossano: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Bean Cafe

Cafe Owner…..Tom Hanks
Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Lonnie…..Phil Hartman
Bob’s Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Keith…..Dana Carvey

[ the phone rings at the Bean Cafe ]

Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that’s right. Just beans, that’s allwe serve here. Well, we’re open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling.[ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowlof beans?

Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?

Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me tocut the cheese?

Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.

Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]

Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!

Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?

Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I’ll try the pintos today. [ sniffs theair ] Alright, who did it?

Cafe Owner: What?

Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?

Cafe Owner: There’s just no keeping a secret with you, is there,Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it upspecial for you. I’ll tell you what – I’ll warm it up.

Lonnie: Fantastic!

Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..

Lonnie: What’s the matter?

Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.

Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing aroundhere.. You really should get these windows caulked!

Cafe Owner: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that..

[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]

Bob’s Wife: Good beans, huh?

Bob: Yeah, the best!

Bob’s Wife: You know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

Both: “Beans, beans, great for the heart!”

[ cut to Lonnie at the counter reading a newspaper ]

Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army’s thinking aboutdeveloping a new gas bomb.

Harry: Yeah? They should come here.

Lonnie: What do you mean?

Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagerswouldn’t have to move away.

Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]

Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.

Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?

Cindy: Oh, no, I’d better not. I’m going over to my in-laws later.

Cafe Owner: So?

Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beansnow. I wouldn’t be hungry! We’re gonna have dinner. Just give me acup of coffee.

Cafe Owner: Coming up.

Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.

Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?

Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren’t watching the big swim meet?

Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What’s his name?

Harry: Rip Loudon.

Lonnie: Yeah, that’s it.

Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already..Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through thewater? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give youthat long-term energy that you need.

Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.It’s much better for you than steak.

Harry: Ah, you know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

All: “Beans, beans, great for your heart!”

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let’ssee what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]

TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..

Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?

Lonnie: What?

Cindy: A scorpion.

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple’s table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob!That’s wet paint! [ runs over ]

Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn’t even notice!

Cafe Owner: Didn’t you see the sign?!

Bob: Did I get any on my pants?

Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as theCafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can’t really see.. the lighting’s notreally good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holdsthe flame close to the back of Bob’s pants ] No.. I don’t see anything..That chair must have already been dry!

Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]

Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee!Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What’s the matter?

Keith: Oh, uh, it’s this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.

Keith: Whoo-whee!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Apple Support Systems

Randy…..Tom Hanks
Apple Operator…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Randy sitting behind a computer, sweating as he calls Apple Support System ]

Randy: Oh, come on, man.. come on, please.. just pick it up.. please pick up..

Apple Opertor: Apple Support System, can I help you?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. Support System, listen. My name is Randy. I’m new here, and there’s no one else around. I told them I knew how to use computers, and that’s why they hired me. They’re gonna be in this morning, and I gotta have results, man! I don’t know what’s what here..!

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright, alright.. Randy, get a hold of yourself. Now, first of all, what kind of computer are you working with?

Randy: Uh.. uh.. I don’t know!

Apple Opertor: Okay. Alright, listen, take it easy. We’re gonna just walk you through this.

Randy: It’s just a computer, man!

Apple Opertor: Alright, alright. Randy, you there?

Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m here!

Apple Opertor: Randy, look in the lower lefthand corner. What does it say?

Randy: Uh, okay.. there’s a little yellow thing.. it’s got a smile on it.. and it says “Have A Nice Day.”

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker. You might want to peel that off.

Randy: Oh. Okay. [ peels sticker off ] I got it.

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright. Good, Randy. Now, what does it say underneath that?

Randy: Well, it doesn’t say anything underneath it, man! It was just a sticker on the box!

Apple Opertor: Relax now, relax!

Randy: Wait a minute, wait a minute..! There’s like a picture of a tangerine.. or a tangelo.. or..

Apple Opertor: Okay, that’s a big help, Randy. Uh.. it sounds like you’re operating a Macintosh.

Randy: Well, is it good or bad?!

Apple Opertor: It’s good, it’s good. It’s user-friendly. Uh.. there should be a mouse hooked up to it.

Randy: Wait, wait, wait! A mouse?! User-friendly?! What are you talking about?! You’re losing me, man! You’re losing me!

Apple Opertor: Never mind that! Never mind that! Randy, I want you to put me on your speaker box, on your phone.

Randy: What, the speakerbox?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. On your speakerbox. That way you can have both hands free to operate the machine.

Randy: Oh, alright.. speakerbox, alright.. they told me how to do that. [ pushes button, places receiver on handle ] Yeah. Okay. Are you there? Hey! Where’d you go, man?! Where’d you go?!

Apple Opertor: Right here, Randy. Right here. Sorry, I was taking a sip of coffee.

Randy: Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is it.. is it good coffee?

Apple Opertor: Yes, it is, Randy. And maybe when all this is over, you and I can get together for a nice, hot cup.

Randy: Yeah.. that’ll be good, yeah.. that’d be good.

Apple Opertor: Okay, now, are you with me?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. I’m right here.

Apple Opertor: Now, listen very carefully. With your left hand, reach behind the machine and push down the rocker switch.

Randy: You mean, th-this light switch thing?

Apple Opertor: Yes. That’s it. Push it down.

Randy: Now?

Apple Opertor: Yes. Push it down, Randy.

Randy: Okay. [ pushes switch, computer turns on ] Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming! Hey! It’s making noises! There’s a white light on this thing, man!

Apple Opertor: Randy, it’s okay! It’s supposed to do that. That’s good, that’s good. Alright, Randy, you okay?

Randy: Yeah. I’m fine. I’m okay.

Apple Opertor: Alright, the hardest part’s over. Now, go down to your keyboard, and find the small –

Randy: Wait a minute.. keyboard! What are you talking about?!

Apple Opertor: The panel, right below the big box with the letters on it.

Randy: What, you mean this typewriter deal?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. Now, take your finger and push down twice on the little white cube that says “Open”.

Randy: [ frantic ] Okay.. okay.. here it goes. [ pushes cube ] I did it! I did it! Hey, okay, it’s done! It’s making noises, lots of noises!

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, you’ve now reached the Desktop mode, you’re home-free.

Randy: Okay, okay.. Desktop.. alright!

Apple Opertor: You should see a bunch of funny-looking pictures. With your left hand, push down the Shift button and the Command button at the same time.

Randy: Okay.. [ pushes both buttons ] got it.

Apple Opertor: Got it?

Randy: Got.. yeah. Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!

Apple Opertor: Congratulations. You can now retrieve any file or document you want, just by typing it on the keyboard.

Randy: Oh.. that’s.. that’s great! Okay! Okay! I got it! Um.. I guess I’m gonna hang up now.. okay?

Apple Opertor: Okay. Okay, Randy. Good luck. Oh, and hey, Randy?

Randy: Yeah?

Apple Opertor: Have a nice day.

Randy: Thanks, man. [ returns to other line ] Hello? Hi, yeah, thank you for holding. [ camera zooms out to reveal that Randy is working for a travel agency ] Now, you wanted two round-trip tickets, right? What day did you want to fly? Okay. Are you gonna need a rental car for that?

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 20th, 1988

Tom Hanks

Randy Travis

None

None

Andy Murphy
Calgary ’88Transcript

Montage

Tom Hanks’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 85e.

Giant Businessman

The Bean CafeSummary: Farting euphemisms are the specialty of the house at the Bean Cafe.

Transcript

The Pat Stevens ShowSummary: Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) interviews potential Republican presidential wives Elizabeth Dole (Jan Hooks) and Barbara Bush (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Elizabeth Dole, Barbara Bush.

Transcript

Randy Travis performs “Forever & Ever, Amen”Bio: Randy Travis (1959-). Country singer.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Girl-Watchers A Go-GoSummary: A pair of Girl Watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) awkardly scope women and survey their chances on a city street.

Recurring Characters: Girl Watcher 1, Girl Watcher 2.

Transcript

Apple Support SystemsSummary: First time computer user Randy (Tom Hanks) is dependent on (Kevin Nealon) just to get his computer turned on, much less operate it.

Transcript

Casey Kasem Sings The BeatlesRecurring Characters: Casey Kasem.

Transcript

Delivery RoomTranscript

Observational Stand-upsRecurring Characters: Stand-ups.

Transcript

Randy Travis performs “What’ll You Do”

Sentimental Pawn ShopTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts