Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset

Announcer…..Bill Murray
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner

[ open on little girl sitting on bedroom floor ]

Announcer: You’ve read the book, you’ve seen the movie… Now introducing: [ reveal product ] The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset, for single little girls! Yes, now your little girl can recreate the grim reality of Judith Rosner’s bleak novel of hopelessness and despair RIGHT in her very own bedroom, alone at night!

[ return to bedroom ]

Little Girl: Yayyyyyyy!!!

Announcer: It’s exciting AND educational!

Little Girl: How do you play?

Announcer: Well, take your Diane Keaton doll and go to the singles bar!

[ the little girl bounces her doll across the air to the singles bar playset ]

Announcer: Now drink THREE Tequila Sunrises!

[ the little girl throws two of the shots in the doll’s face, and chugs one for herself ]

Announcer: Now pick up a businessman —

[ the little girl picks up one of the men dolls and knocks the others to the floor ]

Little Girl: Uh — “Hello! You’re so beautiful! You wanna dance?”

[ the ltitle girl sings “Stayin’ Alive” as she bumps both dolls together ]

Announcer: Hey, wait — Waht are you waiting for? Take him back to your singles apartment!

Little Girl: “Oh, come to my house and I’ll make you some cookies!” [ she bounces the dolls across the air to the apartment playset ] “Oh, now we’re walking, and now we’re at MY house!” “Okay! Now, I’m gonna kiss you RIGHT NOW!” [ she makes the dolls kiss roughly ] “Stop it! Stop it! Stop, or I’m gonna take down your panties and spank your bottom just like that! Just like that!” [ she spanks the male doll ] Did I win yet?

Announcer: Nooooo. You have to keep picking up strange men until you get killed.

[ the little girl is confused ]

Announcer: So take Diane back to the singles bar —

[ the little girl dances the doll back to the singles bar playset ]

Announcer: Toss back three more Tequila Sunrises —

[ the little girl pours the bottle over the doll’s face, then chugs one for herself ]

Announcer: Now, pick up another guy!

[ the little picks up one of the fallen male dolls ]

Announcer: Uh-ohhhhh! You picked up a psychotic blonde homosexual!

Little Girl: Does that mean I win?

Announcer: Noooo, that means you get KILLED!

Little Girl: Ohhhhhh, noooo, it don’t! ‘Cause guess who’s here? [ she grabs an object from behind the playset ] Mr. Teddy Bear Purse! Here he comes! And he’s gonna get ALL of them, and SMASH them all up like that! [ she uses the teddy bear purse to knock the singles bar playset over ] He’s not gonna let them DO that to her!!

Announcer: [ laughing ] Yes! It’s the Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset! Brings gratuitous sex and random violence into her little world! It’s from Mainway.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Modern Crimes

Grave Robbers…..Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi
Policeman…..Bill Murray
Charlie Chaplin…..Gilda Radner

[ open on graphic card ]

Announcer: “Jacques Cousteau Gets an Undersea Enema” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC can present the following special program.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on black-and-white title card to silent film: “Modern Crimes” ]

[ iris onto graverobbers carrying a corpse out of a cemetary ]

[ Title Card: “Somewhere In Switzerland Two Grave Robbers Are Up to No Good” ]

[ the grave robbers try to tug the corpse in opposite directions, then place the corpse on the ground and argue as a policeman stops in front of them ]

[ Title Card: “No Loitering. This is Switzerland” ]

[ the policeman waves his nightstick at them and continues on his way ]

[ the two grave robbers panic ]

[ Title Card: “Lets Get Out Of Here” ]

[ the two grave robbers attempt to lift the cotpse, but accidentally unravel it instead to reveal… Charlie Chaplin ]

[ they panic ]

[ elsewhere, the policeman scratches his head ]

[ Title Card: “Something’s Rotten In The State Of Switzerland” ]

[ the policeman walks back to the cemetary, where the two grave robbers sit with Chaplin’s corpse on a bench and smoke cigarettes ]

[ the policeman snarls ]

[ Title Card: “Move Along Now” ]

[ the tow grave robbers lift Chaplin’s corpse, with two cigarettes in his mouth, then Chaplin opens his eyes and speaks ]

[ Title Card: “Live From New York, Its Saturday Night” ]

[ the two grave robbers are stunned, as Chaplin smiles proudly ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Schiller’s Reel: Don’t Look Back In Anger

…..John Belushi

SCHILLER’S REEL… WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER

[ SUPER: “Schiller’s Reel” ]

[ film opens on an elderly John Belushi sitting in a train car ]

John Belushi: I guess this is my stop.

[ SUPER: “John Belushi in Don’t Look Back In Anger” ]

[ cut to John walking through a cemetary on a cold, winter’s day ]

John Belushi: Yeah.. they all thought I’d be the first one to go. I was one of those “Live Fast, Die Young, Leave A Good-Looking Corpse” types, you know? But I guess they were wrong. [ points his cane to the tombstone ] There they are – all my friends. This is the Not Ready For Prime Time Cemetary. Come on up.

[ John struggles up the snow-covered hill ]

Well.. here’s Gilda Radner. Ah.. she had her own show on Canadian television for years and years. “The Gilda Radner Show”. [ moment of silence ] Well, at least now I can see her on reruns. She was cute as a button, God bless her.

Here’s where Laraine is. They say she murdered her D.J. husband.. then moved to the valley in California and had a pecan farm. [ holds his fingers two inches apart ] She was this big when she died.

Jane Curtin. She married a stockbroker, had two children, moved to upstate New York. She died.. from complications during cosmetic surgery.

This is Garrett Morris. Now, Garrett.. Garrett left the show, and thenworked in the Black Theater for years. Then he died of an overdose ofheroin.

Here’s Bill Murray. He lived the longest – 38 years. Ah.. he was happy when he died, though – he’d just grown his moustache back. It’s probably still growing.

Over here is Chevy Chase. He died right after his first movie with Goldie Hawn.

Over here is Danny Aykroyd. I guess he loved his Harley too much. They clocked him at 175 miles an hour before the crash. It was a blur. I had to be called in to identify his body. I recognized him by his webbed toes.

[ drops flowers on Aykroyd’s grave ]

The “Saturday Night” show was the best experience of my life. And now,they’re all gone. And I miss every one of them. Why me? Why did I live so long? They’re all dead. [ reflective ] I’ll tell you why.. Because I’m a dancer!

[ music plays, so John drops his cane and dances amongst the graves ]

[ zoom out, fade to black ]

[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Middle Name Is Trouble” superimposed in front of her ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 11th, 1978

Art Garfunkel

Stephen Bishop

Andy Kaufman

Lorne Michaels

Tom Davis

Jim Downey
Modern CrimesSummary: In a silent film, a pair of grave robbers (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd) steal the recently-buried corpse of Charlie Chaplin (Gilda Radner).

Transcript

Montage

Art Garfunkel’s MonologueSummary: Art Garfunkel receives feedback while performing “What a Wonderful World”, and it sets John Belushi on a rant about how NBC continues to negatively perceive the cast and crew of their late-night enterprise.

Transcript

Kromega IIISummary: The watch so powerful that it takes three hands to operate.

Note: Repeat from: 77a.

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) conducts an anonymous interview with Andy Strauss (Art Garfunkel), a man who is physically abused by his wife.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Stephen Bishop performs “On & On”

Miracle In ChicagoSummary: Richard Daley (John Belushi)

KISS ConcertSummary: The backstage guard (John Belushi) at a KISS concert is vigilant about who he will or will not let in to visit the band.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Eldini.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Garrett Morris demonstrates an anti-clotting drug by viewing a microscopic slide of an old Mighty Nouse cartoon. Bill Murray reviews “Coming Home” and takes back every doubt he’s had about Jane Fondsa since the Hanoi incident.

Art Garfunkel performs “All I Know” & “Scarborough Fair”

Looks At BooksSummary: Jane Curtin interviews nerds Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray), the authors of “Whatever Happened to the Class of ’77”.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca.

Schiller’s Reel: Don’t Look Back In AngerSummary: An elderly John Belushi visits the early graves of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman attempts to read the entirety “The Great Gatsby”, much to the audience’s consternation.

Transcript

The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime PlaysetSummary: The toy that brings senseless sex and violence to a little girl’s (Gilda Radner) world.

Transcript

Art Garfunkel performs “Crying In My Sleep”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Great Moments in Sports

… O.J. Simpson
Nurse … Jane Curtin
Doctor … Dan Aykroyd
Babe Ruth … John Belushi
Boy … Garrett Morris
Radio Announcer … Bill Murray
Priest … Tom Schiller

[Graphic reads: Great Moments in Sports. We hear pianomusic throughout the sketch, commenting on the action.Dissolve to O. J. Simpson who sits in an easy chairnext to a table and lamp, digging through a box ofCracker Jack caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts, abook in his lap. He looks up, sees the camera is on,and hastily picks up the book to hide the Cracker Jackbox.]

O.J. Simpson: Hello. As a kid, I had many idols. Menlike Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays inspired me. Butprobably America’s greatest hero was the legendaryGeorge Herman “Babe” Ruth. [Dissolve to stock footageof Babe Ruth hitting a home run and running the basesat Yankee Stadium] Born in 1895, the Babe grew up tobecome the New York Yankees’ Sultan of Swat as well asthe game’s most exciting player. [Dissolve back toSimpson] The Babe loved everyone but the fans he caredthe most about was America’s kids. And the Babe alwaystried to return their love. Like the time in a NewYork hospital, almost forty years ago …

[Dissolve to an image of a large building.Superimposed text reads: BRONX CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL.Dissolve to a hospital room where Babe Ruth, eating ahot dog and drinking a mug of beer, confers with adoctor and nurse at the foot of a little boy’s bed.]

Nurse: Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Ruth. Youhave no idea how much this will mean to him.

Doctor: He’s your biggest fan, Babe. He listens to allthe Yankees games on the radio.

Babe Ruth: Well, that’s nice to hear. I like kids. Iwas an orphan myself. I’m sensitive to their needs.

Boy: [moaning in pain] Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Babe Ruth: How’s the little colored fella anyway?

Doctor: Well … I’ll tell ya, he’s, uh, he’s a prettysick boy. In fact, even he doesn’t know how sick he is.

Nurse: But we think he could pull through if we justkeep his spirits up. And you’re just the person whocould do it.

Doctor: You know, I think he’s waking up now.

[The Babe, the nurse, and the doctor join the boy at bedside.]

Doctor: [to the boy] Hey, little guy. You have a visitor.

Boy: Oh! It’s the Babe! Wow!

Babe Ruth: Hiya, kid! How are ya?

Boy: Gee, you came to see me, Babe!

Doctor: [to the delighted nurse] I think it’s helping already.

Babe Ruth: Here, kid. I brought you a present. [puts aYankees cap on the boy’s head] There ya go.

Boy: Gee! Thanks, Babe!

Babe Ruth: Well, we got a game against Cleveland this afternoon. I better be goin’ to the stadium. Ah, take it easy, kid.

Nurse: Mr. Ruth, thank you so much for stopping by.

Doctor: Yes.

Boy: Hey, Babe! Could you do me a favor? [thinksbetter of it, changes his mind] Oh, no, I-I-I…

Babe Ruth: Sure, kid! What can I do for ya?

Boy: Well … could you hit a home run just for me?

Doctor: Aw, come on, son. Mr. Ruth can’t make promises like that.

Babe Ruth: Oh, naw, naw, naw, it’s all right! I tellyou what I’ll do, kid! I’ll knock one out of the parkfor ya, you promise me you’ll pull through — is that a deal?

Boy: [deliriously happy] It’s a deal, it’s a deal,yeah, it’s a deal!

Babe Ruth: Okay, kid.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson who is picking CrackerJack out of his teeth. He sees the camera is on andquickly resumes the narrative.]

O.J. Simpson: It was a perfect day for a ball game atYankee Stadium. The Cleveland Indians didn’t score offRuffing in the first but the Yankees had a threatgoin’ with Lazzeri on first — and up to the platestepped the old Bambino himself.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the boy,wearing his Yankees cap, listens intently to a 1930svintage radio at bedside.]

Radio Announcer: Two quick strikes on the Babe. Thepitcher’s in his wind up. The Babe swings and it’sstrike three!

Boy: Come on, Babe! Come on, Babe baby!

[The doctor and nurse look on with concern.]

Doctor: He’ll get it the next time, maybe.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson who examines hisCracker Jack prize.]

O.J. Simpson: The Babe came up to bat again in thefourth inning. Holding the bat in his hand, he strodeto the plate in his pigeon-toed, inimitable style.But, quickly, the drunken, overweight idol had twostrikes on him.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the boylistens to the radio.]

Radio Announcer: An interesting story, sports fans.Before the game, the Babe told me that he promised alittle boy who’s dying in the hospital that he’d hit ahome run for him today.

Boy: [stunned, to the radio] I’m dyin’?!

Radio Announcer: The wind-up and the pitch. Oops, itwon’t be this time at bat as the Babe takes strikethree and the score remains Indians two and theYankees nothing.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson and his prize.]

O.J. Simpson: Going into the eighth inning, it wasstill 2-0 Cleveland. The little boy was hanging onevery pitch as it seemed his very health laid on theBabe’s game. But the Babe struck out again and thingsbegan to look bleak going into the ninth inning.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the nurseand doctor stand over the semiconscious boy.]

Doctor: He’s sinking fast. Do we have oxygen ready?

Nurse: Yes. I – I don’t believe that the Babe would dothis to him. Fat tub of lard! You know?

[The boy, mouth and eyes wide open in expectation,listens to the radio.]

Radio Announcer: Ah, there’s two outs in the bottom ofthe ninth and, uh, Lazzeri must get on if the Babe isgonna have another chance at that home run for thelittle dying boy, of course. [The boy nods] Three-twocount on Lazzeri. Here’s the pitch and Lazzeri pops itup. Oh, no! This looks like it’s the ball game. [Theboy, devastated, begins to sink back into his pillow]No, it’s dropped! He dropped the ball, ladies andgentleman! Lazzeri is safe at first and the Babe willhave another shot at it. Holy cow!

[Delighted, the boy glances at the relieved doctor andnurse. The announcer continues under the following:]

Doctor: Nurse, uh, you’d better call his parents. [Thenurse hurries off. The doctor turns to a nearbypriest.] Father, you’d better stand by. We still mightbe needing you here.

Priest: Yes, of course.

[The doctor listens to the boy’s heart with astethoscope as the boy focuses on the radio, rising upoff his pillow with the announcer’s every word. Thedoctor and priest also get caught up in the game.]

Radio Announcer: Ruth steps up to the plate. The Babedigs in. He swings and it’s a long fly ball! That babyis back there! It’s back! It’s curving … FOUL!

[The boy quickly sinks back down. The doctor listensto his heart. The priest quietly reads the lastrites.]

Radio Announcer: Next time you come by, bring mystomach, will ya? Well, this is it for Ruth if he’sgonna keep his promise to that kid who’s about to die,I guess. Here’s the pitch. [Again, the boy is up offhis pillow, rising with the announcer’s every word]Ruth hits it far! That baby’s back there! Back! Back!But it’s curving, curving … FOUL! [The boy sinksback again] Oh, brother! Holy cow! You can’t help butwonder why the Babe is doing this, anyway. Well, thecrowd’s really pulling for the Sultan of Swat. Theyreally want him to put one out. If only the wholecrowd knew that this little kid’s gonna die almost anysecond. Here’s the pitch! [Again, the boy is up offhis pillow, rising with the announcer’s every word]The Babe swings! And it’s a long fly ball to deepright field! The outfielder’s drifting back, back!That ball is going … going … It is CAUGHT AT THEWALL! [The boy collapses and the doctor applies CPR.]

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson.]

O.J. Simpson: Well, that was the ball game. MaybeBabe tried to hit a home run that day and failed. Thenagain, maybe he forgot the promise he made to thelittle boy. And some even said that the Babe was drunkand didn’t do it on purpose. I, being an athletemyself, frankly find that hard to believe. Whateverthe true story was, though, it was yet another case ofa white man breaking a promise to a poor littlecolored boy. [laughter and applause] But there is amoral– But there is a moral to this story. Neverunderestimate the revenge of a black man. Becauselittle Hank Aaron … [audience gasps] … camethrough and went on to break all of Babe Ruth’srecords anyway. Thanks for watching Great Moments in Sports!

[Applause and a grand finale of piano music as wedissolve to an image of O. J. looking as if he isplanning a double murder.]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Own Best Friend” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Goodnights

…..O.J. Simpson

O.J. Simpson: Well… that’s all for tonight! Thanks for joining us!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend” with Lloyd Dobbins. We’ll be back two weeks from tonight, when our host will be Art Garfunkel with musical guest Stephen Bishop, and Andy Kaufman. This is O.J. Pardo — the O.J.’s for Only Joking. Good night.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Audience Questions

…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Gilda Radner standing at Home Base ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, I’m Gilda Radner! [ audience starts to applaud ] Okay, now! [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Tonight, we thought we’d start off with something a little different. Before the show, we handed out some cards for the audience to write down questions, and I’m going to do the best I can to answer them off the top of my head. Okay?

Alright, the first question is from Kevin Lieberman, of Minniola, New York.. and Kevin asks: “Do you ever have trouble coming up with an opening for the show?” Well, uh, yes, Kevin.. coincidentally, we had a great deal of difficulty this very week.

The next question is from Kevin Wood, who asks: “In the event that you have difficulty coming up with an opening to the show, what would you do?” Well, Kevin, whenever this happens – and this is the first time – we hand out cards to the audience, so they can ask questions, and then I answer them off the top of my head.

Okay. The next question is from Kevin Crack of Brooklyn, and Kevin asks: “Are these questions really written by us the audience, or are they written by the writers?” Kevin, I hope you’re not disappointed.. but the writers wrote the questions.

Okay. Oh.. and this one is from someone who signs his name “Just Kevin”. Where are you sitting, Kevin, where are you? [ audience stands collectively and applauds ] Thank you, alright. And, uh, Kevin says: “Gilda, settle a bet – my wife, Kevin, says you always start the show with the words ‘Give me all your hot monkey love,’ and I say she’s wrong.” Well, Kevin, your wife Kevin is wrong. No matter what the opening, no matter how ill-conceived, how unprepared we are, we always start the show with “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom

E. Buzz Miller…..Dan Aykroyd
Christy Christina…..Larine Newman

E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel Z. This is E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And of course, our lovely guest to the left here, Miss Christy Christina, will be dancing at the Paradise Lounge all this week. And, uh.. Christy’s our expert on animal behavior, isn’t that right, Christy?

Christy Christina: [ giggles ] I guess so! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, enough talk, viewers. Let’s get right to this week’s exciting animal kingdom. Our first feature tonight is a frog couple you see here, they’re members of the reptile group of the animal kingdom. They may be cold-blooded, but it don’t stop ’em from having a lot of fun! [ Christy giggles ] Wouldn’t you say so, Christy?

Christy Christina: I don’t know.. I don’t think I’d like to be a frog! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Well, Christy, let’s take a couple of looks at our little friends in the insect world – maybe you’ll see something you like. Here’s a ladybug. This is the beginning of their reproductive cycle. Look, it looks like he snuck up on her!

Christy Christina: Oh, I think she knew what was going on!

E. Buzz Miller: A couple of monarch butterflies with a new approach. Ever thought of hanging upside down from a milkweed plant.

Christy Christina: Oh, I’d be afraid of falling off! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: You wouldn’t have to worry, there’d be plenty to hang onto! [ laughs ] Now, here’s an often ignored member of the animal kingdom. Biologists call it the annalide – an earthworm, a common earthworm. They’re considered a primitive life form..

Christy Christina: That one has herpes! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, that’s what it looks like, Christy. I think they got something going here, you know, because they got these spikes to help them grab onto each other, you know? And here, you’re gonna see them forming a mucus sac to exchange sperm. Now this is a biological fact – each of these worms has both male and female organs. Honest to God – they’re AC/DC!

Christy Christina: Kind of like Elton John! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Right, Christy. Except, these worms do it with spikes. They’re the lowest form of life, but they really get off! They’re S/M switch hitters! How do you like that, Christy?

Christy Christina: Oh, I think it’s disgusting.

E. Buzz Miller: How about that one – 33 inches. You ever see a worm 33 inches long?

Christy Christina: I don’t know.

E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, viewers, our final couple on Animal Kingdom, I think you’re gonna like this. See some salamanders in their natural environment, doing what makes the animal kingdom so exciting! And on that note, I’d like to say goodnight, on behalf of Christy and me, E. Buzz Miller, hoping you’ll take a cue from the animal kingdom and have a good time yourself tonight! Christy, I want to buy you a drink.

Christy Christina: Okay, Buzz! [ giggles ]

[ camera pans up over the set into the audience, stops at woman with SUPER: “Dangerous When Entertained” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 25th, 1978

O.J. Simpson

Ashford & Simpson

Al Franken

Tom Davis

None

Don Novello

Mitchell Laurance

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Anne Beatts

Yvonne Hudson
Audience QuestionsSummary: Stumped for an original opening for the show, Gilda Radner fields selected questions from audience members named Kevin.

Transcript

Montage

O.J. Simpson’s MonologueSummary: While wearing a conehead, O.J. Simpson tells the audience how he achieved his various life goals, including gaining the opportunity to host “SNL”.

Samurai Night FeverSummary: Futuba (John Belushi) hits the dance floor and introduces disco to his brother (O.J. Simpson) the fallen priest.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Great Moments In SportsSummary: A beer-guzzling Babe Ruth (John Belushi) can’t keep good on his promise to hit a home run for a sick boy (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.

Transcript

Ashford & Simpson perform “So, So Satisfied”

Mohawk MasterSummary: Spokesman (Dan Aykroyd) uses dual clippers to perfect his punk look.

The Raid On NicosiaSummary: Recent events are the focus of a star-studded TV-movie.

Recurring Characters: Robert Stack, Ed Asner, Tony Orlando, Valerie Harper.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: O.J. Simpson is named during an interview in the locker room with Laraine Newman. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) comments on dental hygeine take a gross turn.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Football Voodoo

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken attempts to perform jokes with Tom Davis despite suffering from a massive brain tumor.

Mandingo IISummary: Masters and slaves reign hot passion in the ultimate censor test.

E. Buzz Miller’s Animal KingdomSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) gets excited while watching videos of various insects performing copulation.

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christy Christina.

Transcript

HertzRecurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Ashford & Simpson perform “Don’t Cost You Nothing”

Celebrity Battle of the Sexes & RacesSummary: Phyllis George (Jane Curtin) covers the scene at the Celebrity Battle of the Sexes & Races, in which Black men O.J. Simpson and Leon Spinks (Garrett Morris) compete against White women Sandy Duncan (Laraine Newman) and Marie Osmond (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Brent Musburger, Sandy Duncan, Marie Osmond, Leon Spinks.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Somewhere In France, 1944

Sarge … John Belushi
Wolinski … Chevy Chase
1st German … Bill Murray
2nd German … Dan Aykroyd
Washington … Garrett Morris

[Black and white stock footage of tanks in battle in the European theater of the Second World War. Ominous military music: brass and percussion. A superimposed text reads: “SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE 1944” — Dissolve to a trio of American soldiers guarding a dirt road. Thescene itself, like the stock footage, is in black and white.]

Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin’?

Wolinski: Yeah.

[The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront aslowly approaching motorcycle.]

Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts offhis engine.] What’s the password?

1st German: [seated in the motorcycle’s sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple.

Sarge: We’ve had reports there’s some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin’ to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions.

1st German: Ya, das ist okay.

2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can’t be too careful mit those krauts.

Sarge: What’s the capital of Illinois?

1st German: Shpringfield.

Sarge: How ’bout Oklahoma?

1st German: Oklahoma City.

Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon?

1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei … Four.

Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol inhis side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady?

2nd German: In “Terry and the Pirates.”

Sarge: What color are the Yankees’ uniforms?

2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray.

Sarge: What’s a Texas Leaguer?

2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls betweenze infield und the outfield.

1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle.

2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas.

1st German: Capital, Austin.

2nd German: The weight of ze baseball — [turns smuglyto the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] –three point eight ounces!

Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, doyour imitation.

Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it?

[The 1st German whispers to the second.]

2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces thefamous American bandleader’s name as “Viteman”]

Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Doit again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [toWolinski] Go ‘head.

Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Holdthat for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagneyimitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

[Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier,Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germanshaven’t a clue who it is. They whisper and decide totake a guess.]

1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tenseand raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike.Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famousAmerican broadcaster’s name as “Valter Vinchell”]

Washington: Yeah! Say! That’s who I thought it waswhen I first heard it.

Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess youguys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower theirweapons] You know, you – you just can’t be toocareful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettesand offers it to the Germans]

1st German: Cigarette?

Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans]

2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefullyhere. Ya-hess!

Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match?

1st German: Oh, yes.

Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here.They never send us any matches.

1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook toSarge] Mm. You can keep this.

Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey,what’s this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus?

Wolinski: [peers over Sarge’s shoulder at matchbook] Berlin?

Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, theGermans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski andWashington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons]All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search’em! Watch out for booby traps!

Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge.

Sarge: That sure was.

Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly]

Sarge: That’s right. But they didn’t! You just can’tbe too careful, you know? Ya can’t trust anybody!

Washington: That’s right. Say, Sarge, you know whatyou should have asked ’em? “Who is the manager of theCleveland Indians this year?” They couldn’t’veanswered that!

Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington … who is themanager of the Cleveland Indians this year?

Washington: Uh… you know, I’m not sure.

[Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washingtonwho drops his weapon.]

Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it!

Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski patshim down] Huh?

Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?!

Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge?

Sarge: Who’s the manager of the Indians?

Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don’t know, Sarge.

Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raiseshands] Drop it! Drop it! I can’t believe it! My ownmen — lousy jerries! I don’t believe it! Just goes toshow you can’t trust anybody!

Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant.

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin’?

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year?

Sarge: It’s, uh … uhhh … [horrible realization] Oh, no. I’m a … [drops his rifle] … kraut! [raises his hands]

[The five of them remain where they are — the Germansseated on their motorcycle, the Americans standingbeside it — with their hands in the air, as we pullback and fade out to applause and more ominousclimactic music.]

Submitted Anonymously

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