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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Miskell Spillman’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry
…..Miskel Spillman

Buck Henry: Thank you. You want me to take that from you..? [ reaches for Mrs. Spillman’s fruit basket ] No.. of course not.

[ Buck addresses the audience ]

A few weeks ago, if you’ll remember, there was a contest running, called the “Anyone Can Host the Saturday Night Show” contest. There were.. many thousands of entries – 150,000, roughly – and there were five finalists that I had the privilege of presenting a few weeks ago. And the final votes were tabulated by, services provided by Ventura Associates. And tonight, by a proximate margin of 15,000 votes, I am honored and pleased to present the winner.. [ tries to take the fruit basket, but is resisted by Mrs. Spillman ] ..of the “Anyone Can Host” contest, your hostess for tonight, Mrs. Miskel Spillman!

[ wild applause from audience ]

Mrs. Spillman, I know that there are probably a number of things that you want to say to the great American audience.

Miskel Spillman: [ still high from John Belushi’s Maui Waui ] Wow! This is really weird! There’s so much happening. But it almsot seems like everything’s in slow motion. I mean.. am I making sense? Or am I blowing it? I don’t know, I can’t tell. The producer, a nice young man, told me to just flow with it and have a good time. But I didn’t really know what he meant.. until Belushi visited me in my dressing room. And the colors. Wow-ow!

Buck Henry: We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics

…..Buck Henry
…..Miskell Spillman

Announcer: And now, Public Access Cable Television Channel D presents.. “E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics”.

[ dissolve to E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina sitting on a couch in a darkened room ]

E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel D, this is “Art Classics”. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And my lovely guest to my left here is Miss Christie Christina, and she’s opening at the Coach & Pull Bar tomorrow night. But enough talk, let’s get right to tonight’s art classics.

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of naked woman lying on a bed ]

E. Buzz Miller: Now, the first one here is called Venus of Irbino, and it was painted in 1538 by a guy in Venice. And, this is for real, his name is spelled T-I-T-I-A-N. Titian! Honest to God!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: He’s a very famous respected artist, and this is a bona fide art treasure. And I don’t think anybody could disagree that this is a really nice painting of a broad on a couch! How about you, Christie? You’re an artist.

Christie Christina: Well.. I’m an artist and an entertainer! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, right! [ laughs ]

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ] But I think she’s very heavy.

E. Buzz Miller: Well, of course.. but, back then, that’s the way they liked them. You know.

Christie Christina: Oh. [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a gathering in the woods ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, here’s another one, painted by the same guy – Titian. He painted these broads in 1555, so.. it’s a classic! As you can see, he was a master of lights, colors and shapes. And, uh, we blew up this picture here with a little more detail. [ holds up superimposed painting of the sole naked woman in the original painting ] What do I see there, Christie? I see something there. Do you see something there?

Christie Christina: Yes, I do! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: [ points to the woman’s pointed nipple ] Right.. there! You see? He didn’t leave a thing off, did he!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of a small angel climbing onto a naked woman ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, moving on to the 17th, 18th century – I’m not sure. Uh.. this is by a French guy called . It’s called Love Disarmed, it was painted in the 17th or 18th century – who cares! It’s a timeless art classic! You know, legitimate art! You pay a fortune for them in a museum, you know? Now, these French, they started early. Just look at that little guy there. He looks like quite an operator! [ laughs ] Look like he knows what he’s doing! What do you think he’s doing there, Christie?

Christie Christina: I don’t know! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, a couple of quickies.

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of another woods gathering ]

E. Buzz Miller: This one here is an Impressionistic piece – it’s by Manet, an Impressionist, a French guy. And this is a very famous painting – art classic – called Le Dejenoai ser Larbe. Which means, Picnic in the Woods. Now, you look close. These two guys are having lunch.. and this broad hasn’t got a stitch on! Bon appetit, boys! [ laughs ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a buxom bouse hanging from a rack behind a pair of high hell shoes ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, now this, this is kinda crazy. This is a futuristic surrealist painting, by another French guy – – he did this in 1947.. and I-I-I don’t know why I like this one so much, it’s kinda crazy. What do you think, Christie?

Christie Christina: Well.. it looks like something you’d buy in a novelty store.

E. Buzz Miller: Where the heck, did’ya get that? [ looking at the painting again ] Oh, I see, like one of those plastic things hanging up on the – Yeah, I see that!

Well, we’ve just about run out of time. Coming up next on Public Access Channel D: “Father Tim McCarthy’s Pause For Thought”. So, you’ll wanna watch that, okay? And, uh, we’re gonna go out now, with my personal little statue here, the Venus De Milo. [ holds up the famous statue ] A very famous sculpture that’s had its arms missing for thousands of years, but nobody seems to mind – I know I don’t! [ laughs ] This is E. Buzz Miller and Christie saying good night!

Christie Christina: Good bye! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: She is a sweetheart! [ rubs Venus de Milo’s marble nipple ]

[ camera pans away from set, zooms up to random audience member ]

[ SUPER: “Showers With Enemies” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

The Gift of the Magi

… Jane Curtin
… Miskel Spillman
Helen … Gilda Radner
Robert … John Belushi
Doctor … Dan Aykroyd
Nurse … Laraine Newman

Jane Curtin: [sits in front of a well-trimmed Christmas tree,addressing the camera] Every holiday season, it’salways comforting to read classic Christmas storiesthat are loved the world over. Stories where peoplegive of themselves to someone they love. [Pull back toreveal eighty-year old host Miskel Spillman sittingbeside Jane] One of our favorites here at SaturdayNight — and we’re sure it’s one of yours — is “TheGift of the Magi” and we’d like to share it with youagain.

Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] Oh, “The Gift of the Magi” is one ofmy favorites.

Jane Curtin: [touches Miskel’s arm] Oh, good! Good. [readsfrom a book] Once upon a time, not so long ago, therewas a man and a woman who loved each other very much.His name was Robert and her name was Helen and thiswas their first Christmas together as man and wife.The young couple had little money but were very richin spirit because they had each other. [Dissolve toHelen’s hospital room] And though young Helen was inthe hospital with a failing kidney, it still didn’tdampen the couple’s Christmas spirit.

[Long-haired Helen lies in her hospital bed as Robertholds her hand.]

Helen: Oh, Robert! They’re looking for a donor now.[Robert kisses Helen’s hand lovingly]

Jane’s Voice: [narrating] Helen was a beautiful girlwhose long, raven hair was the envy of all who knewher and a source of pride to Robert.

Robert: [takes old-fashioned watch from his pocket andopens it] Oh. It’s time to brush your hair. [Helenholds the watch while, using a white hair brush,Robert grooms Helen’s flowing locks.]

Jane’s Voice: [narrating] And Robert’s most prizedpossession was an antique gold watch, a pricelessheirloom which had been in his family for generations.

Helen: Oh! I always think of this watch as part ofyou, Robert. So steady and reliable.

Robert: Yes, but the watch is working — and I haven’tgot a job.

Helen: Oh, Robert. Don’t worry. It’s Christmastime.It’s a season of hope. Things will get better.

[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]

Jane Curtin: And it was hope that they lived on as, thisChristmas, they were too poor to exchange gifts. Andeven if they could, Helen’s sickness hung over themlike a dark cloud.

Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] What a shame.

Jane Curtin: [nods, deeply moved] I know.

[Dissolve back to hospital room where Robert and adoctor stand over a sleeping Helen and confer.]

Doctor: The test came back. You’re a perfect donor.[Robert sighs with relief] We can perform thetransplant immediately. Your wife will be very happy.

Robert: Please don’t tell her I’m the donor, doctor. Iwant it to be a surprise.

Doctor: Okay, if that’s the way you want it. Uh, bythe way, I really hate to bring this up now but, uh,this is a very expensive operation.

Robert: That’s all right, doctor. [holds up hispriceless watch] I know where I can get my hands onsome money. [Robert sadly closes the watch as he andthe doctor walk off.]

Jane’s Voice: [narrating] And, while Robert wassolving one problem, Helen was dealing with a similarone.

Helen: [wakens, brushes her hair as a nurse enters]Oh, nurse! I don’t know what to do. For Robert and me,this may be our first and our last Christmas together.[If] I just knew where I could get the money to buyRobert a gift.

Nurse: Well, do you have anything you can sell?

Helen: No. [pauses and stares at her hand which holdsthe white hair brush filled with her hair] Oh! Wait!No, I– Maybe … Yes! I – I’ll do it!

[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]

Jane Curtin: So Helen and Robert, because of their boundlesslove for each other, gave of themselves and were ableto exchange Christmas gifts that morning.

Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] I feel like crying.

Jane Curtin: [to Miskel] So do I.

[Dissolve back to hospital room where Robert, nowwearing a bathrobe, clutches his side as the nursehelps him to Helen’s bed.]

Nurse: Your wife should be awakening any time now.

[Robert sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Helenwho now wears a white hospital cap on her head.]

Nurse: There. I’ll leave you two alone. MerryChristmas. [exits]

Robert: [wakes Helen] Merry Christmas, Helen. It’s allover, honey. You got your new kidney.

Helen: Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I – I just wish I knewwho the donor was so I could thank him. Robert? Whyare you wearing your robe?

Robert: Don’t worry, baby. It’s all right. We’ll bothbe fine.

Helen: Oh, no! Oh, you mean–? Oh, no! Oh, Robert! Youwere the donor! Oh, Robert!

Robert: Well, I figured I had two, so … why not?What – what’d you get me?

Helen: [hands him a small box she has hidden beneaththe bedcovers] Merry Christmas, Robert. I love you.

Robert: Oh! [opens box, looks inside] Ohhhh! [pullsout a gold chain]

Helen: It’s a chain for your watch! Oh, quick … Getout your watch, darling, and let me see what it lookslike on it.

Robert: I can’t, sweetie. I – I sold the watch to payfor the surgery. But that’s not important. How did youget the money to buy this chain?

Helen: [nervously puts a hand to the cap on her head]Well, I – I sold my …

Robert: [stares in horror] No! You didn’t! You–?

Helen: Yes, I – I sold my hair brush. [pulls cap offher head, revealing her long, uncut hair] Yes. See,the bounce is gone but it was worth it.

Robert: [suddenly upset] You what? Is that all youthink I’m worth, you cheap slut?! Boy, was I mistakenabout you! I sell my watch that’s been in my familyfor a hundred years, I give ya my kidney, and you sella stupid hair brush to buy me some junk jewelry, huh?![throws the chain at her pillow where it bounces offonto the floor]

Helen: Yeah, but wait a minute! The – the brush meanta lot to me! It had Nylon bristles!

Robert: [mocks her mercilessly] Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah,nyeah, nyeah, nyeah! [yells] Nylon bristles, you face!You selfish pig! [slaps her across the face] Icould’ve been watching the ball game or reading athome! But nooooooooooooooo! I had to give ya my kidneyAND my watch!

Helen: Yeah, but, Robert, I’ve been sick! I didn’thave time to shop!

Robert: Oh! Ya didn’t have time to shop! I had thetime, huh? They’re yankin’ my kidney out of me! I gota scar as big as Europe! Well, it’s the last time it’sgoing to happen! [starts strangling her] MerryChristmas! Arrrggghhh!

[Dissolve back to Jane and Miskel.]

Jane Curtin: Robert – Robert was right. He was right when hesaid, it’s the gift, not the thought that counts. Theydon’t call it “The Thought of the Magi.” It’s “TheGift…”

Miskel Spillman: [to Jane] You’re damn right.

Jane Curtin: [to the camera] Merry Christmas!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Very Famous, Somewhere” ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Miskel’s Joint

…..Laraine Newman
…..John Belushi
…..Buck Henry

Announcer: “How The Grinch Raped And Strangled Christmas” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ open on John Belushi and Laraine Newman in the cast locker room ]

Laraine Newman: Well, I think it’s pretty exciting having an eighty-year-old grandmother host the show.

John Belushi: Yeah, but what if she forgets her lines?

Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t worry, she won’t. Let me tell you something – you should be as together when you’re eighty as Mrs. Spillman is.

John Belushi: Don’t worry. I’ll be dead by thirty.

[ Buck Henry enters ]

Laraine Newman: Hi, Buck.

John Belushi: Hey, Buckaroo! How’s it going?

Buck Henry: Okay. Hey, have either of you seen Mrs. Spillman recently?

John Belushi: Yeah, I just left her dressing room about twenty minutes ago. Why?

Buck Henry: Well, I checked in on her, and she’s lying on her back looking at a bowl of fruit with her radio turned on full blast.

Laraine Newman: Well, she’s eighty-years-old – maybe she’s hard of hearing.

Buck Henry: No, that’s not it. She’s acting very strange.

John Belushi: Well, she was a little nervous when I saw her, so I just told her a few things to loosen her up. You know, that being nervous is natural, and how we’re all a little nervous, too.. and I found out she knows some people I met in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.. [ casually ] ..and then we smoked a joint and she calmed down.

Buck Henry: [ upset ] You smoked a joint with Mrs. Spillman?!

Laraine Newman: One of your joints?!

Buck Henry: Are you kidding!

John Belushi: Yeah, it works for me.. I figured she needed it. Come on.

Buck Henry: Does she know what it is?

John Belushi: I told her it was a French cigarette.

Laraine Newman: John! How could you?

Buck Henry: John, your joints overwhelm even as experienced drug user like myself.

Laraine Newman: What did you give her? The ones with the rhino tranquilizer?

John Belushi: No! Are you kidding? To an eighty-year-old grandmother? We smoked a joint of Wauhauken, and Maui Wowie, blended with a little hash oil.. It calmed her right down.

Buck Henry: Well, she’s in Hawaii right now, with her old friend Mr. Fruit Bowl. And I’ve got to go out there in a minute and introduce the winner of the Anyone Can Host Contest, America’s oldest living doper.

John Belushi: Less than a minute, Buck.. ’cause we’re live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Elderly Girlfriend

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Jeff…..John Belushi
Sharon…..Miskel Spillman

[ open on Mom and Dad drinking egg nog in front of the Christmas tree ]

Mom: It’s going to be so nice having Jeffy home from college. Oh, and I’m dying to meet his girlfriend, aren’t you?

Dad: I know.. he’s never really been serious about a girl before. It’s funny, you know.. [ laughing ] I never really discussed the subject of sex with him ever – and now he’s like a married man!

Mom: Well, your son goes to college, leaves home, he’s bound to grow up.

Dad: Things sure changed since I was a kid!

Mom: [ hears sound from outside, smiles ] That’s Jeff’s Volkswagen van, I know it!

Dad: [ runs to the door ] I hope he’s still doing his own tune-up.

Jeff: [ bursts through door with suitcase ] Hi, Dad!

[ they hug ]

Dad: Welcome home!

Jeff: [ drops suitcase ] I’m just gonna leave my stuff here – I gotta go help Sharon with the rest of her stuff! I’m dying for you to meet her! [ runs back out ]

Dad: Come on in, it’s cold out there!

[ Jeff re-enters with elderly girlfriend, his parents don’t seem to mind or notice ]

Jeff: Sharon, this is my Mom and my Dad.

Sharon: Wow, I’ve heard so much about you!

Mom: Well, we’ve been dying to meet you, Sharon! Let me take your coat.

Sharon: Alright!

Dad: [ laughing ] I hope Jeff hasn’t made his old man sound like too much of an ogre!

Sharon: Oh, he really looks up to you.

Jeff: Look, I thought I’d take our stuff up to my room..

Mom: Well, I thought Sharon could stay in your room, and you could sleep on the fold-out couch.

Jeff: Aw, come on, Mom.. we’ll sleep together in my old room. I mean, we live together – why should it make any difference here at home?

Dad: Jeff, you’re in our house now, and as long as you’re under our roof you’ll abide by our rules.

Mom: If you two love each other and live together, why don’t you get married?

Jeff: Well, I wanted to.. but Sharon thought it would put too much pressure on our relationship.

Sharon: It’s not out of the question, but not just yet.

Jeff: Yeah..

Mom: [ to Dad ] Well, why don’t you and Jeff go upstairs to have a little talk? And that’ll give me and Sharon a chance to get acquainted.

Jeff: Okay.. I’m sorry my parents are like this, Sharon.

Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. My parents are like that, too.

Jeff: Yeah.

Dad: Come on, Jeff.. [ they retreat upstairs ]

Mom: Come on, Sharon. [ they sit on the couch ] Now.. I understand you’re an upperclassman at the university?

Sharon: That’s right.

Mom: And you’re majoring in Theatre?

Sharon: Yes, but I’m also going to teach.

Mom: Oh.. so you’ll have something to fall back on.

Sharon: Something to fall back on!

Mom: Exactly! Exactly! Now, I suppose you think that Jeff’s father and I are a little old-fashioned..

Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. I’m a bit old-fashioned myself.

Mom: Sharon, have you ever been in love before?

Sharon: Yes. Twice.

Mom: Well, you know.. as a mother speaking, I’m only looking out for Jeff. He’s a very sensitive boy, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.

Sharon: I understand.

Mom: Oh, Sharon, I think you and I are going to get along just fine!

[ the men return downstairs ]

Dad: Well, Jeffy and I came to a decision. [ sits ] I give in. You two lovebirds can stay upstairs. I’m just glad my own mother isn’t alive to see it.

Mom: [ standing ] Okay, everybody, dinner will be ready in about.. [ checks watch ] ..half-an-hour!

Jeff: Oh..

Sharon: Okay, Jeff, let’s go upstairs.

Jeff: Thirty minutes? Uh.. Mom, Dad, that’s okay?

Mom: Sure.

Jeff: Okay, let’s bolt!

[ Jeff and Sharon run upstairs, as the scene zooms out ]

[ SUPER: “Will Santa Claus Visit San Clemente?” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:







Bit Players:


December 17th, 1977

Miskel Spillman

Elvis Costello

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry

Joe Franken

Phoebe Franken

Miskel Spillman’s Graddaughter

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Cheryl Hardwick

Miskel’s JointSummary: Buck Henry and Laraine Newman are horrified to learn that John Belushi helped calm down the “Anyone Can Host” contest winner’s nerve by offering her a joint.

Transcript

Montage

Miskel Spillman’s MonologueSummary: Mellowed out thanks to John Belushi, “Anyone Can Host” contest winner Miskel Spillman guards her treasured fruit bowl from Buck Henry.

Transcript

Meat Wagon Action Track SetSummary: When racing cars wreck, the toy ambulance kit comes to the rescue.

American Date the Self-Concious AssociationSummary: American Date the Self-Concious Association spokeswoman (Laraine Newman) recommends that members of her organization pair off with members of the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious.

Transcript

The Gift Of The MagiSummary: Robert (John Belushi) sells his watch and donates a kidney for his ailing wife, Helen (Gilda Radner), but she only sells her hair brush in order to buy him a cheap watch chain for Christmas.

Transcript

Elvis Costello performs “Watching the Detectives”Also Performed: 88o, 90t.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydRecurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Sartresky & HutchSummary: The philosophical Sartresky (Dan Aykroyd) and the rough-and-tumble Hutch (John Belushi) mediate a hostage situation involving an old friend (Bill Murray).

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken sings a musical tribute to his parents, Joe and Phoebe, until a painful childhood memory brings out the worst in him.

E. Buzz Miller’s Art ClassicsSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) and co-host Christie Christina (Laraine Newman) look for naughty symbolism in classic works of art.

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christie Christina.

Transcript

Elderly GirlfriendSummary: Jeff (John Belushi) surprises his parents (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin) by bringing home an elderly girlfriend (Miskel Spillman) for Christmas.

Transcript

Santa Says NoSummary: A drunken department store Santa (Bill Murray) delights in denying a little girl (Gilda Radner) gifts for Christmas.

Transcript

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled KimonoSummary: In a scene reminiscent of Edward G. Robinson and Clair Trevor in “Key Largo”, Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) forces Laraine Newman to sing an aria from “Madame Butterfly” if she wants to hear his least-loved bedtime tale of how the Soiled Kimono drink got its name.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

Elvis Costello performs “Radio, Radio”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 7

77g: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Bellhop…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Eric Severeid…..Bill Murray

Jane Curtin: Tonight on “Weekend Update”: Anwar Sadat brushes up on Jewish expressions. This and more coming up on “Weekend Update”, next.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on news desk ]

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the Weekend Update news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Good evening, I’m… Dan Aykroyd. And sitting in for Jane Curtin…

Jane Curtin: Is Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: Under a federal government prisoner exchange treaty with Mexico, Americans in Mexican prisons are being sent back to prisons in the United States. The first group arrived in California yesterday, in keeping with the goodwill and spirit of the holiday season. The U.S. is sending Mexico an equal number of Santa Clauses, who will be thrown into Mexican prisons in time for Christmas.

Egyptian President Anwar L. Sadat, this week, attacked Arab nation critics of his Israeli peace proposal. He said those that are casting doubts on what is happening are dwarfs. Sadat is shown here addressing his critics face-to-face.

After fourteen years of controversy, Americans are still not satisfied that we have accurate understanding of how President Kennedy died. Admitting that they might need additional outside help in this investigation, the CIA has appealed, oddly enough, to the committee who conducted a recent inquest of the Steve Beego case in Pretoreous, South Africa. Their findings? Jhon Kennedy died of natural causes. His head wound was self-inflicted, and Lee Harvey Oswald died as a result of a hunger strike, clearing the Dallas Police Department of negligence, as originally reported. Thank God now we have the answers, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll say, Jane!

Well, NBC is reviving that classic comedy of yesteryear — “The Amos N’ Andy Show”. The TV program had been cancelled in the late 1950’s, due to objections from Black pressure groups. But the network now feels that the new show has changed the derogatory racial stereotypes to project a positive image of the Afro-American community. The series is retitled “To Be Young, Black, Gifted, and Funny.” Amos, a typical Black brain surgeon, and Andy, a gullible Olympic swimming coach, fall easy prey to the get-rich-quick schmes of the Kingfish, a wily Wall Street investment broker. One mahor change: Calhoun, the idealistic civil rights lawyer, is now a woman and will be played by Olivia Newton-John with shoe polish all over her face!

In a related story: Black Panther co-founder Huey Newton spoke to reporters and offered interesting insight into the Black movement of the 60’s, stating that originally the Panthers were going to be called The Ducks, an organization that Huey co-founded with his brithers Louie, Dewey, and Uncle Donald. [ cartoon picture appears ] And there’s that picture we were waiting for! Huey, Dewey, Louie, Uncle Donald. Duck bird. The Bleegle boys!

Jane Curtin: I sure do, Dan! Our next story comes…

[ a bellhop enters the set ]

Bellhop: Caaaaalllll foooorrrrr Garrrrrettttt Morrrrrrrissssss!! Call for Garrrrrrett Morrrrrrisssss!!

[ he exits the set ]

Jane Curtin: [ confused ] An Atlanta, Georgia urologist has announced that an operation to reattach the severed penis of a college student was a success. The lucky student reportedly commented that he’s glad to be back in school and able to cram for his midterm exams.

Now here’s correspondent Laraine Newman, with a special report on lie detection. Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Thank you, Jane. At Ohio University, Roger E. Bennett has tentatively proven that split-second facial expressions, known as micromomentaries, occur at the precise moment a person is telling a lie. He says he can catch the expressions on videotape and, consequently, catch a liar in the ACT of lying by spotting the almost invisible facial expressions. Right now, I shall demonstrate. I will make a statement, and see if you can detect the facial expression that tells you I am lying!

“I had a wonderful time tonight.” [ she rolls her eyes upward ]

“This is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this.” [ she opens her mouth and winks ]

“That was a lovely cologne you are wearing.” [ she scrunches her face and pinches her nose ]

And: “That was cerainly a delicious dinner.” [ she leans over and sticks in her finger down her throat ]

I know you didn’t notice anything to give away my true feelings, but Mr. Bennett’s videotape method would have revealed them to you immediately. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [ image: Adlai Stevenson ] Adlai Stevenson.

Dan Aykroyd: [ clears his throat ] In Madrid, last week… King Juan Carlos — excuse me — issued a royal decree, which abolished all film censorship, and paved the way for establishment of Spain’s first X-rated movie industry. Reaction from other Spanish officials was instant and widespread, except for Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who, after almost two years, was still too dead to make a statement.

Well,despite what we may be led to believe, things aren’t always that bleak behind the Iron Curtain. There was a festive ceelbration yesterday in Bulneck, Bulgaria, where the winner of the Balkan International Fancy Dress Ball claimed his prize of two tons of uncut beef jerky.

Jane Curtin: Last week, Eric Severeid, who gave nightly editorials on the “CBS Evening News” for fourteen years, retired from that program because he reached CBS’ mandatory retirement age of 65. Tonight, Mr. Severeid asked if he could be on “Weekend Update” to give one last editorial, on the question of Mandatory Retirement Age.

Eric Severeid: While it may not be true that, just as you cannot teach old dogs new tricks, so you cannot teach a generation of young video addicts to read. There is no small agreement among educators that television has REPLACED the written word, and that McKuen’s global village is, if not totally, illiterate, then certainly less literate than the world that existed before television.

What does this all mean? It means that a MAJORITY of Americans born after a war fought to preserve freedom of the press, cannot follow the words, phrases, sentences, clauses, and awkward speech patterns of a 65-year old broadcast journalist geared to literary constructions of an era gone by.

Mandatory retirement age is not really a question here. William Paley, than man who ultimately made the decision to retire me is my elder, and yet continues to chair the CBS board. Perhaps the very reason the network finds itself in the embarrassing position of third among three. What is a question is my relative viability as a television journalist. Some argue that I often make perfect sense, illuminating subtle nuances of conjecture upon the great problems of the day. Others would argue the opposite, that my use of tired syntax and sentence structure, coupled with the staccato and often singsong delivery, make these editorials incomprehensible and an exercise in futility, like so many grains of sand against he tides of the ocean. I have no strong argument with either proposition. I have always seen my primary duty as one of illucidation and not application, and so I accept the decision of CBS with the feeling that Adlai Steveson may have put best, when after his disastrous second defeat at the hands of Dwight David Eisenhower, said, “It hurts too much to laugh, and I’m too old to cry.”

From New York, this was Eric Severeid. Thank you… and goodbye.

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. [ as Dan holds up a cue card ] And to our cue card man Al Siegel: Get well.

Dan Aykroyd: Get well soon.

[ Dan puts the cue card down, then reaches over to shake Jane’s hand and collapses headfirst onto the news desk ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 7

77g: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

Pep Rally

…..Mary Kay Place
…..Bill Murray
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Laraine Newman
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi
…..Jane Curtin
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] “Grizzly Adams Sets Fire To His Head” will not be seen this week, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on back wall of studio, revealing the cast dressed in cheerleader outfits as Mary Kay Place bounces into position ]

Mary Kay Place: Okay, everybody! Let’s roll ’em up, move ’em in, rehearse the show, get ready to — Wait a minute! Where’s Belushi? [ no one seems to know ] Okay! Okay! Okay! Wait a minute! What are you doing? Now, let me tell you something: Belushi’s absence, all of this mish-mash here — All of this reflects an attitude that I have noticed ALL week, and that is lack of pep! Now, I wasn’t gonna tell you guys this, because the network asked me to host the show only because I could pump some pep into the show. Now, it is very, VERY difficult to pump pep into the show when the peppers are NOT participating! okay? Now — You all have NOT been partipating peppily!

Bill Murray: [ confused ] “Pep”? What do you mean, “pep”?

Mary Kay Place: I mean… pomp, enthusiasm, energy, verve, sass… You know! I just use “pep” as a catch-all phrase. Let’s be brutally honest: I want each and every one of you to look me right in the eye — Bill? Look. Right in the eye. Can you all look at me and say, “Yes, Mary Kay — Yes, I have been as peppy as possible this week!” Hmm?

Dan Aykroyd: I, for one, can’t. [ he hangs his head in shame ]

Laraine Newman: I’m sorry.

Gilda Radner: Well, I tried.

Bill Murray: I’ve had a lot of personal problems, Mary Kay.

Mary Kay Place: That’s what I though.

[ John Belushi finally shows up ]

John Belushi: Hi.

Mary Kay Place: John, where have you been, and where has your pep been?

John Belushi: “Pep”?

Mary Kay Place: Yeah. Pep. Mmm-hmm.

John Belushi: Did you say “pep”?

Mary Kay Place: Yeah. I said “pep”.

Bill Murray: That’s right, John — She said “pep”!

John Belushi: That’s what I thought you said. “Pep”. Why should I have pep? Why? I’m forced to wear this cheerleader outfit. It’s a STUPID outfit. I HATE this whole cheerleader metaphor!

Mary Kay Place: Oh.

John Belushi: Who thought of this idea, anyway? Danny?

Dan Aykroyd: Aw, come on…

Mary Kay Place: It was my idea. But the network made me do it!

Jane Curtin: I think it was a GOOD idea! There really isn’t enough pep around here, John, and YOU’RE the #1 offender! You’ve had disciplinary problems since the show began!

John Belushi: [ blowing a puff of smoke ] Well, I think you’re both FASCISTS!

Mary Kay Place: There is NOTHING fascist about PEP! I mean, you can go to ANY fascist country, and there’s hardly any pep there at all!

Jane Curtin: Yeah!

John Belushi: [ swigging a beer ] Look, I just think this whole pep things is really stupid and lame! That’s all, okay?

Mary Kay Place: Okay, okay, fine. I mean, if that’s the way you feel… I was just trying to do what the network asked me to do, I was just trying to pep things up… I don’t know, maybe for this show, lack of pep IS best! [ sobbing ] I’m sorry, I just wanted to do a good show…!

Garrett Morris: [ to Belushi ] NOW you’ve done it, man! You made the host CRY!

John Belushi: Gee, I’m sorry, Mary Kay — really. I’m sorry I made you cry. [ he grabs her shoulder] You all right, honey?

Mary Kay Place: Yeahhhh, I guess so…

John Belushi: I’ll tell you, Mary Kay — Maybe you’re right about pep. Maybe I haven’t given pep enough thought these past fifteen years or so. You know… maybe if EVERYBODY had a little more pep… there’d be less suffering in the world! Don’t you think?

All: Maybe… Yeah…

John Belushi: So, what do you say — Let’s make this the PEPPIEST show ever! What do you say, Gang?!

All: [ excited ] YEAH!!! LET’S DO IT!!!

John Belushi: What do you say, Mary Kay?

Mary Kay Place: I say let’s start the show!

[ she blows her whistle, as the cast all hump into place and a marching band appears below the balcony and marches onto the Home Base stage to stand around a circular “Saturday Night Live” banner ]

[ one by one, each member of the cast bursts through the banner ]

John Belushi: JOHN!!

Jane Curtin: JANE!!

Bill Murray: BILL!!

Garrett Morris: GARRETT!!

Dan Aykroyd: DANNY!!

Gilda Radner: GILDA!!

Laraine Newman: LARAINE!!

Mary Kay Place: MARY KAY!!

[ Mary Kay jumps to the top of a cast pyramid ]

Mary Kay Place: “Jump to the left, jump to the right!”

All: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

[ the human pyramid falls ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 7

77g: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

Mary Kay Place’s Monologue

…..Mary Kay Place

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mary Kay Place!

Mary Kay Place: Whoo! I’m not as young as I used to be with those C jumps. You know, a lot of things have happened to me this week in New York. It’s been kind of a crazy, wacky, madcap kind of week for me. Uh — a lot of new experiences, a lot of new feelings, and some of it I wanted to record and write down — kind of like keeping a diary again — and it’s something I really haven’t felt a need to do since Junior High School. And I guess adolescence and live television have a lot in common because they’re both potentially very embarrassing! THe last entry in my diary — before this week — was February, 1961. [ she holds up her diary ] Now, this is the actual diary that I kept in 8th Grade. Nightly notes on my daily doings.

[ she pulls up a stool and sits ]

I will now read from the 8th Grade diary… if I can only find the place. Here we go: [ reading ] “Dear Diary: Made an extra-credit poster in English on commas. Guess what? Girls Leader Court gonna have a sock hop — Neat-o, eh? Naturally, I’d love to ask Rob, but he’ probably wouldn’t go with me! Oh, he’s so CUTE! I can’t believe they create ’em like that. Went shopping, and FINALLY got a circle pan and a new autograph hound.” Bless my little heart.

[ she turns the page ]

“Dear Diary: Lost Comma poster. Will make new one on question marks and semicolons. But… the BIG news is this: I asked Gail if she would ask Bill if he would ask Rob if he would even consider going with me to the Leader Court sock hop. She did, and guess what? Bill said that Rob said that Bill said — or rather, that Gail said that Bill said that Rob said, “YES!” Found terrific new nail polish — Passionately Pink; great in store, but throw-uppy at home.”

[ she turns the page ]

“Dear Diary: Tomorrow I am gonig to ask Rob — What a babe and a half! Oh, God, I can’t believe Mom won’t let me go see “Psycho”. What a spaz!”

[ she turns the page ]

“Dear Diary: Babe and a half, my foot! Rob can’t go, and you know why? Get this: Bill says — He comes up to me, and he says, “Don’t ask Rob to the party, Mary Kay, because he won’t be able to go with you. He won’t go with you. God, I’m so embarrassed! I thought I was gonna DIE! I mean, I about had a COW! That really whacks me out, I think I’ll just die!”

[ she closes the diary ]

Mary Kay Place: Well… there you have it. A pathetic little teen trauma from yesteryear. I guess none of us really knew, way back then when I was in 8th Grade — and especially YOU, Rob, if you’re watching at home tonight — that some day, that same little gal who you so brutally refused to escort to the sock hop… would one day be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, and be paid a pretty penny for it, too, Rob! And another thing, Rob, uh — Danny Aykroyd has been kind of hitting on me all week, and, uh, not unsuccessfully!

We’ll be right back after this message.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 7

77g: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

Married in a Minute!

Bellhop…..Garrett Morris
Susie…..Mary Kay Place
Jane…..Jane Curtin
Laraine…..Laraine Newman
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Magician…..Dan Aykroyd
Magician’s Assistant…..Karen Roston
Prince of France…..Bill Murray
King of France…..Tom Davis
Cowboy…..John Belushi
Priest…..Jim Downey

[ open on stock footage of New York City in the 1960’s ]

Announcer: New York City, 1961. Soaring unemployment, plunging incomes, and inadequate housing. New York, where the ratio of available bachelors to bachelorettes is 35 to 2. And the odds of running into someone you can stand are a million to one. But despite this, New York, in movies like these, in which four young gals arrive with no money, no friends, and no place to go, they always end up getting rich, famous, and… “Married in a Minute!”

[ dissolve to swanky hotel room, as Bellhop drags in luggage followed by four young women ]

Jane: Can you believe it? The Imperial Royal Presidential Suite at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel! I can’t believe we loaned a Kleenex to that eccentric millionaire at the bus station, and he was so grateful to us that he told us we could have this suite for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!

Laraine: Wasn’t that nice!

Susie: [ to the bellhop ] Oh! Here’s a penny. I’m sorry it couldn’t be more, but we didn’t know that New York was gonna be so expensive. I mean, the cab ride from the bus statino was gonna cost $843!

Bellhop: [ smiling ] A penny. That’s okay. Your niceness makes up for it!

[ he exits ]

Gilda: Oh, nooooo! Here we are in New York City with NO money left– [ she glances at some flowers ] Oh, no! Behind the flowers — look! Here’s a million dollars!!

[ the girls scream with delight ]

Laraine: Wow! I guess our money problems are over! …For a little while, anyway.

[ the phone rings ]

Susie: I’ll get it! [ she answers ] Hello! Uh, no, I’m sorry, this isn’t Famous Actresses, Incorporated. Yuo musth ave the wrong num– Huh? Oh, yes! There IS an actress here! Well, of course, I could! You’re kidding! To play the LEAD in a Broadway show, in case the star gets sick! Well, of course, I’ll be– The star’s sick NOW?! OH, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! Oh, sure! I’ll be right down in a jiff! Oh, hey — Thanks!

[ the girls scream with delight ]

Gilda: [ picking up a card by some flowers ] Oh, look! There’s this card, and it’s addressed to ME! [ she opens the card ] “Saw you in the lobby. Won’t you be my date at the Coronation Ball? Signed: The Prince of France!” [ she swoons ] I can’t! All I have to wear is THIS old thing! [ she picks up a natty dress ]

Susie: Wait a minute! You’re just about my size! I think I have something that you can wear, if I can just find it! [ she roots through her luggage ] Here it is! [ she hands a package over ] It’s an old thing, but it MIGHT work!

Laraine: I’ve got some shoes! [ she hands a box over ]

Gilda: Oh, thanks!

Jane: Purse and accessories, right here! [ she hands a box over ]

Gilda: Oh, you guys are just the BEST friends a gal EVER had! [ she runs off to change ]

Laraine: But… how will I get my modeling career off the ground and meet the man of my dreams? I don’t even feel like trying any more…

[ a Magician and his assistant stumble into the room ]

Magician: Problems! Problems! We can’t even find the correct room! This is not my room! [ he sees Laraine ] Wait! There she is! The woman I have WAITED for… to be in my ads for my Hungarian perfume! A fashion model! I was looking for her! Out of 500,000 women, I’ve been looking for her! But this one here is the one I FOUND! The one I really want to MARRY because I was going to give up looking just a SECOND ago, but here she is!! [ he rushes over to her ] Here! A million-dollar contract! And… [ he removes his hat and kneels ] A marriage proposal!

Laraine: Oh! I’ll need a little time to think it over!

Magician: Take all the time you want! I’ll wait until the small second hand gets on the three! [ he looks at his watch ]

Laraine: Okay, I’ll do it! Okay!

Magician: Okay, great!!

[ he wraps her in his arms and crosses the room ]

Susie: Well, I’m off to the theater! [ she runs into the bellhop, who carries a trayful of dirt ] Oh! Excuse me! [ she picks up a note ] Oh, a note! Here! [ reading ] “Please accept this big pile of dirt. Love, A Secret Admirer!” Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept such a nice thing!

Bellhop: [ he smiles weakly ] Oh, well… I tried.

Susie: You mean… it was from you?

Bellhop: Well, I wanted to give you sometihng to express how I felt, and I-I-I can’t offer you very much, so…

[ Susie smiles with joy, as Gilda enters the room in her borrowed clothes ]

Gilda: Do I look all right?

[ the women squeal, as the Prince of France storms into the room ]

Prince of France: Oh, Father, I love her, even though I can’t marry her because she’s a commoner! Oh, PLEASE, Father! Can’t I give up the throne?! PLEA-EA-EA-EASE??! Even though it would mean the overthrowing of my government, the end of our coutnry, the free world, democracy as we know it, and KILL you from grief!

King of France: Well… alright!

[ the Prince hugs the King and kisses Gilda ]

Gilda: Oh! But what about my career as the person who comes to your house and rearranges mostly yellow flowers?

Prince of France: You can be that… AND a queen!

[ the Prince kisses Gilda again ]

Jane: Gee… things don’t seem to be working out for me. Maybe New York’s not my kind of town. I… think I’ll give up and go home…

Bellhop: [ pointing ] Look! On that ledge! That man’s about to jump, and he won’t listen to ANYBODY!!

Jane: Get in here! [ a beat ] Oh! It worked!

Bellhop: You get the TEN BILLION DOLLARS!!

Magician: A reward!

Jane: Yeah, but… what about a husband and a career? [ she looks down ] Wait! What’s this?! [ she opens the letter and reads ] “Whoever finds this note, gets a career and is PERFECT in it for the rest of her life! signed: GOD!!”

[ the group cheers ]

Gilda: Oh, well! THAT takes care of the career!

[ suddenly, a cowboy enters and walks up to Jane ]

Cowboy: I love you, Honey! What about you and me tie the knot?

Jane: Well… what the hay!

[ they laugh ]

Bellhop: [ to Susie ] Wait! I have a confession to make. I’m not really a Black bellhop; I’m a White millionaire posing as a Black bellhop. I’m trying to find someone who’ll love me for me.

Susie: Ohhhh…!

Jane: [ excited ] Let’s ALL get married, RIGHT NOW!!

All: HOW??!!

[ suddenly, a Priest stps out of the closet ]

Laraine: There’s a priest!

Bellhop: Yeah! And here are FOUR diamond rings I always carry with me in case I meet FOUR girls who want to get married right away all at the same time! [ he distributes the rings ]

Priest: I now pronounce you Man and Wife.

[ all the couples kiss ]

Laraine: Hey, come on! Let’s go see Susie on her opening night!

Cowboy: Yeah! And dinner here at the hotel’s on ME! I OWN THE PLACE!!

[ everyone cheers and exits the room ]

[ pull out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Luncheon Counters of the Third Kind” ]

[ fade ]

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