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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Lie Detector Test

Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of polygraph machine ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, David, are you ready to get started?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes! I’m ready to get started!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright. Now: Is it true that your name is David Eisenhower?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ annoyed ] Julie, why can’t you just trust me? Why do I have to take a lie detector test?! Why couldn’t I just —

Julie Nixon V/O: David, just answer Yes or No!

David Eisenhower V/O: [ irritably ] Yes! My name is David Eisenhower!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re 29 years old?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you’re the son-in-law of Richard Nixon?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: And is it true that you were privy to a lot of family secrets during my father’s term in office?

David Eisenhower V/O: Well, sure! But I —

Julie Nixon V/O: Do you know Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yeah. But I know a LOT of reporters!

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy was going bananas?

David Eisenhower V/O: NO!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Dad used to say “Good night” to the portraits hanging in the White House?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ innocently ] Did he do that?

Julie Nixon V/O: [ sternly ] Yes or No, David!

David Eisenhower V/O: No! Never!

[ the needles jump a little higher ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy and Mommy never — well… you know — for fourteen years?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ aggravated ] Didn’t what for fourteen years?!

Julie Nixon V/O: Well… what you and I did on our honeymoon.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ thinking ] Watched “Adam-12”?

Julie Nixon V/O: Noooo. After that! At night. You remember.

David Eisenhower V/O: Gosh… no. I wouldn’t tell anybody anything like that.

[ the needles jump higher ]

David Eisenhower V/O: H-how’m I doing?

Julie Nixon V/O: Fine.

David Eisenhower V/O: Good!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, one more question.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ relieved ] Only one more? That’s too bad! This is fun!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: David… do you want a divorce?

David Eisenhower V/O: No.

[ the needles jump, roughing up some of the edges of the printout ]

Julie Nixon V/O: You twerp. We could never get divorced, anyway.

David Eisenhower V/O: Why not?

Julie Nixon V/O: It would be terrible for Daddy’s image.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Jam Hawkers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Jane Curtin
…..Chevy Chase
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: . . . And so, with a name like Fluckers, it’s got to be good

Chevy Chase: Hey, hold on a second, I have a jam here called Nose Hair. Now with a name like Nose Hair, you can imagine how good it must be. MMM MMM!!

Dan Aykroyd: Hold it a minute folks, but are you familiar with a jam called Death Camp? That’s Death Camp! Just look for the barbed wire on the label. With a name like Death Camp it must be so good it’s incredible! Just amazingly good jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute . . . Dog Vomit, Monkey Pus. We offer you a choice of two of the most repulsive brand names of jams you’ve ever heard of. With names like these, this stuff has got to be terrific. We’re talking fabulous jam here!

Chevy Chase: Save your breath fella! Here’s a new jam we’ve just put out. It’s called Painful Rectal Itch. You’d have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that it’s great . . .

Dan Aykroyd: Mangled Baby Ducks. That’s right, Mangled Baby Ducks! Picture a jam so good that you’d dare to call it Mangled Baby Ducks! Great Jam! It’s beautiful jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is it – 10,000 Nuns and Orphans.

Jane Curtin: 10,000 Nuns and Orphans? What’s so bad about that?

John Belushi: They were all eaten by rats! Oh, it’s so good! MMM!

Garrett Morris: Hold it, hold it everyone, your attention please, I have here a jam called, Oh God, [mumbles] Ick! Yecch!

Dan Aykroyd: It’s so good it’s sick making!

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s gotta be great jam!

Jane Curtin: So if it’s great jam you’re after, try this one, the brand so disgusting you can’t say it on television. Ask for it by name!

Submitted by: Lisa Kemper

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Gary Weis Film: Garbage

[Gary Weis film in which New York sanitation workersare interviewed on the job:]

1st Man: Well, I feel the men should be called”sanitation men” – not “garbage men.”

Man in Truck 1: Eh, sanitation engineer’s alittle too high. But “garbage man” — it – it – it -it’s describing the person. I don’t think that’sright.

Man in Truck 2: You can call me anything aslong as I get paid every week!

Man in Truck 3: It doesn’t make a differenceone way or another, doesn’t matter. You are what yaare.

[We hear folk singer Pete Seeger’s recording of BillSteele’s 1969 song “Garbage” over a montage of garbagetrucks. The 1st Man directs the trucks. We see anenormous amount of trash being emptied from trucksinto garbage scows.]

Pete Seeger: [sings]
Mister Thompson calls the waiter, orders steak andbaked potater
Then he leaves the bone and gristle and he never eatsthe skin
The busboy comes and takes it, with a coughcontaminates it
He throws it in a can with coffee grounds and sardinetins
Then a truck comes by on Friday – carts it allaway
And a thousand trucks just like it are converging onthe Bay
[sings the refrain]
Garbage

Chorus: Garbage, garbage,garbage

Pete Seeger: Garbage

Chorus: Garbage, garbage,garbage

[Song ends. Interviews continue:]

1st Man: Around springtime, bodies startpoppin’ up. Usually, uh, they fall in around fall orwintertime. Whatever the reason is I don’t know, theydon’t come up till spring. Whether it’s the waterheatin’ up and the chemicals in the body, I dunno butthey pop up around spring. We got four or five of ’emaround here. Fact is, between us and the fireboat oneday, I spotted somethin’ I thought was a leg and afterI got the police harbor boat on it, turned out to be,uh, an arm. The hand was missin’ but the rest of itwas there.

Man in Truck 2: Sometimes we find guns in the -in the hopper when we dump the cans.

Man in Truck 4: Found a diamond ringonce.

Man in Truck 5: That depends on what’s valuableto you, you know? I read a lot, I find a lot ofbooks.

1st Man: [points] Then we found a [clearsthroat] guy dead over here on the other pier. Turnedout to be a reporter and he’s supposed to have blownhis head off.

[Brief shot of trash falling into scow.]

1st Man: [points] Well, that dark land you seegoin’ across the whole of the river down there –that’s Staten Island. On the far side from here,that’s where the scows go.

[We hear bluesman Jimmy Smith’s version of “Got MyMojo Working” as we see a tugboat ferry a scow to thedump and various heavy machinery at the dump haulinghuge metal dumpsters of garbage.]

Jimmy Smith: [sings]
Well, I tried in New York City!
Oh ho, oh, I’m gonna try it on you!
Oh, yeah — work my rooster!

[At a salvage yard. Piles of salvageable material infront of a trailer.]

Salvage Worker 1: We have a contract with thecity of New York. We have men pickin’ – pickin’material right up – right off the dump, right out o’the dump. Glass, ferrous metals, non-ferrous metals,you know, brass, copper, steel, iron.

John: [leaning on a truck marked “sanitation”]Ah, this is part o’ the scrap that we get down at thedump. Eventually, it’ll be cut up, sold forscrap.

Salvage Worker 2: [petting a dog] We found himout here on the dump. Somebody dropped him off. He’sonly five months old now. He was a pup when we raisedhim – from out here. Well, we got him out o’ the dumpand, first thing that came to us, we called him”Dumpy.”

[Dissolve to a long panning shot of a gigantic garbagedump in Staten Island — nothing but garbage as far asthe eye can see. Over this, we hear voices:]

Interviewer: What do they call this up here,John?

John: This is the Brookfield Land Dump.

Interviewer: You know how wide it is?

John: It’s about six miles around.

Interviewer: Now, they say it’s the largest,uh, landfill dump in the world, right?

John: It is. It is. The largest in theworld.

Interviewer: You been in business about twentyyears now.

John: About twenty years.

[Finally, the pan ends on the Interviewer wearing aface mask. He talks with John who stands nearbywithout a mask.]

Interviewer: Tell me, John, how do you standthe smell here?

John: Smells good today. Wait till the summerwhen it gets real hot and it’s– Stuff starts cookin’up a little bit. That’s when you can’t stand it. Now,it’s nice.

Interviewer: This doesn’t smell so bad rightnow?

John: Nah. Ain’t that bad.

[Film ends.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Autumn Fizz

Written by: Gilda Radner & Alan Zweibel

Woman…..Gilda Radner
Man…..Chevy Chase

[ open on Woman dressed finely as she sits on her bed ]

Woman: I love being a woman. Feeling fresh, soft, and fragrant makes me glad I’m myself. I like to be pampered in silk and flowing chiffon. THe finer things of life. And being feminine means being fresh and clean. When I think of the finest in jewelry, I think of Tiffany and Cartier. And, when I think of feminine hygeine, I think of Autumn Fizz — [ she holds up the product ] the carbonated douche. Autumn Fizz gives me the confidence a woman needs in today’s hectic world. It brings out the naturalfragrance of feminity, with the effervescence of uncola.

[ her boyfriend enters, dressed in a tux, and sits on the bed behind her ]

Woman: Autumn Fizz — [ she burps ] the carbonated douche. [ they exchange glances ] Don’t leave him holding the bag.

Man: Thank you.

[ she hands each bottle to her boyfriend ]

Woman: Now, in strawberry… lemon… and egg cream.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

The Dead String Quartet II

First Violinist…..John Belushi
Second Violinist…..Laraine Newman
Third Violinist…..Garrett Morris
Cellist…..Chevy Chase

[ open on three violinist and one cellist seated in the middle of the apron the stage, seemingly asleep ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again — the Dead String Quartet.

[ SUPER: “The Dead String Quartet” ]

[ the audience slowly claps in recognition of this bit ]

[ Dead String Quartet remains perfectly still for a number of seconds, until First Violinist slowly keels over to his left, sound of his reed slipping across the violin strings as his body keels over ]

[ First Violinist bumps into Second Violinist, causing a similar reaction from her, as her reed slips over the violin strings and she keels into Third Violinist ]

[ Third Violinist’s body keels on into the Cellist, whose body and cello lean over to the edge of the stage ]

[ Cellist balances between his cello and the floor for a few seconds, before finally toppling over the apron and landing with a thud in the middle of the audience ]

[ cut to pre-taped footage of President Gerald R. Ford ]

President Gerald R. Ford: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Billy Crystal Stand-Up

… Ron Nessen
… Billy Crystal

Ron Nessen: Ladies and gentlemen, here is BillCrystal.

[Applause. Young Billy Crystal enters. Nessen,applauding, exits.]

Billy Crystal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you forthat warm welcome, uh, very often, new comedians likeme, uh, we have a rough time, especially in bigconcerts. Often, we’ll get no billing. The audiencewill have no idea there’s an opening act. And it’s notfair. I come out, three thousand people have timedtheir drugs for the headliner. Whoa! Can be difficult.But, uh, I started performing when I was a little boy.My family was in the jazz recording business. We owneda label called the Commodore Jazz label. We recordedall the great people like Billie Holiday, EddieCondon, all the great old players and my dad used toproduce them in concert and that’s where I was broughtup, backstage, and these old players were my friends.Uh, it was a great period in my life. They alwayscalled me “Face.” “Face” is a hip jazz term for cutekid or really pretty lady. They always called them”Face.” And I hadn’t seen any of them in about fifteenyears till, about two months ago, I was passing alittle club in the Village, recognized the name of areal old great friend of mine. I went to see him. Senthim a note. And we had a real sweet reunion backstage.

[Lights go down, shrouding the studio in darkness.Jazz saxophone plays a mellow tune. A lone spotlightshines on a stool on the walkway that juts out intothe audience. Crystal, imitating an old jazz musician,walks into the spotlight and sits on the stool.]

Billy Crystal: [in character, raspy voice] Yes, yes,yes, yes, yes. The Face! Yes, yes, yes, yes. This isheavy. This is heavy. Yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knewthat you could. Yes, yes, yes. You’re lookin’ so nice,Face. Just so nice to see ya. … I’m okay. I’mfeelin’, uh, copacetic. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Canyou dig it? I knew that you could. Yes, yes, yes, yes.Yeah. You been doin’ so many things. I been seein’ yapoppin’ up on the tube. It’s lovely to see ya,absolutely charming. Hey, Face, do you remember thefirst joke I ever did tell you? You do? Do it with me.It’s about old Zooty. Yes. Do it. Zooty goes into thebarbershop and he says, Hey, man, how much is ahaircut? And the haircut man he says, “Haircut’s twodollars.” Zooty says, “Wow! How much is a shave?”Says, “Shave’s a dollar.” Zooty says, “Wow, baby.[points to head] Shave it!” Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.That’s lovely. Yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knew thatyou could. Yes, yes. … I’m okay. I’m giggin’, I’mgiggin’ all the time, all the time. I had some problemwith my teeth a while back. Yes, yes. Didn’t havenone. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It was low, it was low. Ihad to get some new dental work done on my chops, yes,so I had no bread, you know, so I had to hock my horn,you know, to get my teeth fixed. Yeah but then I waslookin’ good. I was lookin’ sassy. Like Jaws, yas,yas, yas, yas. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.Yes, yes, yes. … What? Huh? No. That’s – that’scool, I thought you was gonna say something. I was inItaly. Yeah, I – I was there with old Pops BenWebster. We had a lovely time. Love the Italian folks,they’s charming. Absolutely lovely. We went to aconcert that was given by Romano Mussolini. Yassss,yes, yes, yes. He’s the son of Il Duce. Yasss, yes,yes, yes. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. Yes,yes. Romano, he don’t play too good. He stunk up thejoint. And we was nervous ’cause we know, we’s gonnago backstage and he’s gonna say, “Hey, Pops, what’dyou think about the set?” And Webster, he’s too kindto tell him that he stunk up the joint, you know whatI’m talkin’ about? Yes, yes, yes. Sure enough, wewatch him. He’s lousy. We go backstage and he says,”Hey, Pops, what’d you think about the set?” AndWebster, he don’t know what to say and he goes, uh,”Hey, man, it was a drag what they did to yourfather.” We just laughed and laughed, yes. Can you digit? I knew that you could. Yes, yes, yes. [turns andtalks to someone behind him] What? I’m – I’m comin’.[sadly, to Face] I gotta go do the second set. Yes.Ain’t nobody there but we gonna do it anyhow. Hey,Face, it was so lovely to see ya. Absolutely charmingto see ya. Keep it together. Yeah, don’t ever stop.It’s happenin’ now and it’s so lovely to see. Yeah.Never quit. Maybe … get a teaching gig to fall backon, you know, just in case the gig don’t happen, youknow, you know what I’m talkin’ about? Yes. Can youdig it? I knew that you could. Yeah. It can be a sweetlife, Face. I got all that I need. God bless us, stillgot my old lady. And my horn. And you know I got themusic. Hey, Face, wherever you go, just remember that,well … love you madly.

[Saxophone winds down as Crystal waves goodbye, wipeshis brow, and remains seated quietly on the stool.Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Supreme Court Spot Check

Rhonda ….. Chevy Chase
Dwayne ….. Jane Curtin
Judge #1 ….. John Belushi
Judge #2 ….. Dan Aykroyd
Judge #3 ….. Garrett Morris
Judge #4 ….. Michael O’Donoghue
Judge #5 ….. Alan Zweibel
Judges ….. Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy

[ Fade in on a couple, Rhonda and Dwayne, caressing each other in bed in a darkened room ]

Dwayne: Aw, you drive me crazy when you do that…

Rhonda: That’s why I do it!

[ They both start giggling, as Dwayne reaches further under the blankets ]

Rhonda: Oh no you don’t, I told you last time I didn’t like…(starts laughing)

Dwayne: Come on, don’t go Puritan on me! You love it!

Rhonda: (laughing) Don’t tell me what I love.

Dwayne: Ah, go tell it to the Supreme Court.

[ A group of men enter the room. The lights turn on, revealing the nine Supreme Courtjustices ]

Rhonda: Oh my God! Who are you?

Judges: We’re the Supreme Court!

Judge #1: On behalf of the highest court in the land I feel it is only fair to warn you thatyou can get five to ten years for where your hand is right now!

[ Dwayne holds his hands up above the blankets ]

Dwayne: No problem.

Rhonda: What-what are you doing here?

Judge #1: Well, according to the recent Supreme Court ruling, the government can claimcertain unorthodox sexual acts as crimes against nature and the state.

Dwayne: Wait, wait a minute, we’re consenting adults.

Judge #2: Even when both adults are consenting and the act occurs in private.

Judge #1: And legally, you’re entitled to hear your rights

[ Rhonda starts laughing nervously as Judge #1 leans in to whisper in Dwayne’s ear ]

Rhonda: They must be…(trails off into awkward laughter)

[ Judge #1 whispers into Dwayne’s ear, then Dwayne whispers into Rhonda’s ear ]

Rhonda: (laughing) They must be joking! (serious) Look, we don’t want to breakany laws!

Judge #1: Mm-hm.

Dwayne: We’re just a couple of normal heterosexuals. I mean, uh…there’s, uh, there’snothing kinky here!

[ Rhonda and Dwayne laugh wholesomely. Rhonda displays her engagement ring ]

Rhonda: We’re engaged!

Dwayne: Yeah, a diamond!

[ The judges look at each other and shake their heads, mumbling to one another ]

Dwayne: Look, what brings you to our bedroom?

Judge #2: Don’t take it personally, just look upon it as a random spot check.

Dwayne: Guess it’s kind of like being audited, honey, I don’t know…

Rhonda: Well, in that case I’m Rhonda Gwen Phillips and I’d like you to meet myfiancee Dwayne Gretson. How do you do?

[ Rhonda and Dwanye shake hands with all of the justices in a jumble of arms andgreetings ]

Judge #1: (banging his gavel on the bed) All right, order, order. OK then, why don’tyou just go ahead and proceed with whatever you were doing, and we’ll just proceedwith whatever we’re here to do. So, why don’t we just spread and we’ll watch it, OK?

[ The justices spread out, positioning themselves around all corners of the bed ]

Judge #1: Just go right ahead.

Rhonda: Uh…

Judge #1: Just go ahead.

Rhonda: …how will we know if we’re doing anything unnatural?

Judge #2: We’ll let you know.

Judge #1: OK, come on, just pretend we’re not here, relax…

Judge #3: Go on and have fun with it.

[ Dwayne and Rhonda begin moving around underneath the blankets while the SupremeCourt watches them intensely. Judge #4 lifts up the blankets and looks underneath ]

Judge #4: Listen, I need another opinion here. Now, is that legal or what? Uh…

Judge #2: Concurrence?

Judge #1: Concurrence. Gentlemen, gentlemen…

[ The judges gather at the end of the bed and discuss the matter amongst themselves ]

Judge #1: All right, all right, come back.

[ The judges return to the bedside ]

Judge #1: All right, OK, we’ve reached a decision. (bangs gavel on bed) We havereached a decision.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne poke their heads out ]

Judge #1: You’re going to have to lose the high heels.

[ Rhonda reaches under the covers, removes her high heels, and throws them offthe bed. Dwayne also reached under the covers and removes his high heels. Judge#1 makes hand motions urging Rhonda and Dwayne to continue, and they do asthe Court monitors ]

Judge #5: Fine, fine, so far that’s fine…

Judge #2: No no no, unlawful fondling.

Judge #1: What?

Judge #4: Well, I don’t know…

Judge #2: No, no, no, no!

[ Judge #2 forcibly removes Dwayne’s hand from underneath the blankets ]

Judge #2: That’s a no-no.

[ Judge #1 angrily slaps Dwayne’s wrist. Rhonda and Dwayne resume ]

Judge #4: Hey hey hey, if that elbow was any lower you’d be pressing license platesin Levittworth, OK?

Judge #2: I don’t like those breathing patterns one bit.

Judge #1: Oh, I’m a little nervous about where that mouth is heading.

Judge #3: Would your Honors deliberate with me on how low Rhonda’s teeth may goon Dwayne’s trunk?

[ The justices again gather at the foot of the bed for an almost inaudible discussion ]

Judge #1: All right, all right!

[ The judges return to the bed ]

Judge #1: Rhonda, Dwayne. The high court is going to hand down a ruling.

[ Rhonda and Dwayne emerge ]

Judge #2: Rhonda honey, place a moritorium on the butterfly flick and stay out of theslammer, OK? What do you say?

Judge #5: Hey, believe me it wasn’t unanimous. It was the Nixon appointees. Ithink you’re both beautiful.

Rhonda: Oh, thank you. But can I ask a question about the Supreme Court?

Judge #1: Sure.

Rhonda: Why aren’t there any women?

Dwayne: Yeah.

Judge #1: Ah.

[ The justices nervously clear their throats ]

Judge #1: Why aren’t…there any women? (pause) Huh, women…huh?

[ Rhonda nods ]

Judge #1: Ah. Well, that’s not strictly true. Uh…there are women. Of course, right?There just aren’t any in the Supreme Court!

Judge #2: Precisely, exactly!

[ The judges all agree, relieved ]

Judge #3: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dwayne: Well, uh…we must do this more often. Thanks for coming by.

Rhonda: (forcing a friendly laugh) Thanks.

Judge #1: If you ever need us again just give us a call.

[ He hands Rhonda a business card ]

Judge #1: OK? Cause we’re the Supreme Court!

[ The judges burst into a sing-songy chant ]

Judges: We’re the Supreme Court / We’re the Supreme Court…

[ They sing the one-line tune as they proudly march out of the bedroom. Judge #3flashes Dwayne and Rhonda the “OK” sign as he walks out ]

[ Applause. The camera pulls back to reveal the entire set, the audience, and RonNessen preparing for one of the Press Secretaries Throughout History bits ]

[ Superimposition –
“COMING UP NEXT…
IS LASSIE’S REAL NAME
ELAINE HOROWITZ?” ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Super Bass-o-matic ’76

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd
Bass-Drinker…..Laraine Newman

Available on: The Best of Dan Aykroyd

[ open on manic Spokesman standing before his product, which rests on a table in fronr of him ]

Spokesman: How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you’re trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass’ tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco’s amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic ’76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting.

Here’s how it works: Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass -that’s the whole bass – into the Super Bass-o-Matic ’76. [ drops the bass into the blender ] Now, adjust the control dial so that the bass is blended just the way you like it. [ turns blender on and grinds it to a pulp ] Yes, it’s that simple!

[ cut to Bass-Drinker on another part of the set ]

Bass-Drinker: [ drinks a glassful of bass ] Wow, that’s terrificbass!

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: We’ve got fish here, fast and easy and ready to pour,mmm-mmm! Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a nine-month guarantee, and a booklet: 1,001 Ways to Harness Bass. Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 works great on sunfish, perch, sole, and other small aquatic creatures. [ blends one of each ]

Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 – it’s clean, simple, and after five or ten fish, it gets to be quite a rush! Super Bass-o-Matic ’76 – you’ll never have to scale, cut or gut again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 17th, 1976

Ron Nessen

Patti Smith Group

Bill Crystal

President Gerald Ford

Neil Levy

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel



Season 1: Order Now! The Dead String Quartet IISummary: Members of the Dead String Quartet (John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase) give a silent performance punctuated by their keeling over onto one another.

Transcript

Montage

Ron Nessen’s MonologueSummary: Ron Nessen comically details his job as President Ford’s press secretary, then is promptly fired over the phone by his Commander-in-Chief.

Transcript

Super Bass-O-Matic ’76Summary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) advocates an easier way to enjoy the taste of bass.

Transcript

Ford/NessenSummary: Ron Nessen talks President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) into allowing him to host “Saturday Night Live” this week.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Jam HawkersSummary: With tasteless and obscene names like Fluckers and Monkey Pus, these have to be the best jams on the market!

Transcript

Patti Smith Group performs “Gloria”

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Catherine the Great’s press secretary, Leonid Pushnev (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing upon her death.

Transcript

Lie Detector TestSummary: Julie Nixon (Gilda Radner) uses a lie detector to test David Eisenhower’s (Dan Aykroyd) loyalty to her family.

Transcript

The New ArmySummary: Pot-smoking Lt. Col. Scott Shuman (John Belushi) promotes the new Army for today’s counterculture youth.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman interviews Generallisimo Francisco Franco’s press secretary (Ron Nessen), regarding the current state of his death. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) discusses “presidential erections”.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Up Against the WallpaperSummary: Jerry Rubin pitches grafitti wallpaper.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.

Transcript

Autumn FizzSummary: Fashionably chic woman (Gilda Radner) uses the carbonated douche.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Manic Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Ron Nessen about life in the Ford White House.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Singing at the UrinalSummary: A trio of men sing while using the urinals in a film by David Massar.

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Oedipus’ press secretary, Julius Marcellis (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding the new queen.

Supreme Court Spot CheckSummary: Members of the Supreme Court (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy) monitor the sexual behavior of a cohabitating couple (Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin).

Transcript

Press Secretaries Through HistorySummary: Thomas Jefferson’s press secretary, John Quincy Ross (Ron Nessen), gives a briefing regarding Jefferson’s non-slaves.

Billy Crystal Stand-UpSummary: Billy Crystal performs a stand-up monologue about a jazz musician he knew while growing up.

Transcript

Try-Hard 1-11Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

MisconceptionsSummary: A dramatization proves that too many cooks don’t really spoil the broth.

Patti Smith Group performs “My Generation”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Goodnights

…..Anthony Perkins

Anthony Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, we ran a little late tonight —

[ suddenly, Scred and Ploobis push their way through the cast ]

Scred: Hey hey hey! Are we supposed to be on?

: Yeah, aren’t you going to do a, uh..?

Anthony Perkins: Oh, yes! I almost forgot. Ladies and gentlemen — The Muppets!

[ the audience applauds gamely ]

Ploobis: Oh, thank you! You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio —

[ suddenly, the closing theme begins to play and the credits start to roll ]

Ploobis: Hey, wait a minute!

Don Pardo V/O: The Muppets are: Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. This is Don Pardo — Good night!

[ Scred and Ploobis try desperately to gain attention from the camera, as the cast mocks them in the background ]

[ camera pans wide to the audience, then zooms in on a sedate Mighty Favog seated among the crowd ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts