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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Desi Arnaz’s Monologue

….. Desi Arnaz

Desi Arnaz: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Oh, aren’t you nice, God bless you. It’s really a great pleasure for me to be hosting NBC’s Saturday Night. Not only cause it’s one of my favorite shows, but also because it is the first time I’ve been live since I was Cuban. Working with this group here, I haven’t had a week like this in a long, long time. I mean, it’s just great fun. And the players – you know, Es Que No Estan Listo Prime Time Yet – they’re wonderful. And don’t let them kid you, they’re ready for anything, these kids. And they’re so sweet, besides. You see, they knew that I like cigars. So the first day of rehearsal they got together and presented me with a box of cigars. I had never heard of the brand before: Acopolco Gold.

[ The audience laughs and applauds as Desi takes a drag off one of his “cigars” ]

Desi Arnaz: I haven’t smoked anything else since! And as soon as I pass it around, we’ll be right back.

[ As the camera pulls back and the audience applauds, Desi takes another puff from his Acopulco Gold and makes a wide-eyed “Reefer Madness” face ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Understanding Men

Waiter ….. John Belushi
Judy ….. Laraine Newman
Matt ….. Chevy Chase
Diners in background ….. Neil Levy, Michael O’Donoghue, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Tom Schiller

[ OPEN in a restaurant, where a waiter walks over to a young couple’s table ]

Waiter: How’s everything? How’s the meal? Good?

Matt: (quietly) Great.

[ The waiter exits ]

Judy: Matt, there’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s a problem I feel in our relationship and it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’d just kind of like to get it out in the open and express it to you.

Matt: All right, what’s the problem?

Judy: I think the problem is that…I don’t know, that we just don’t communicate. Now, maybe it’s just because your a guy and I’m a girl. But it’s like when you talk to me, I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Matt: Well, I don’t think that’s the problem, Judy. I think the problem is your cromzoid attitude.

Judy: What?

Matt: Your cromzoid attitude. Your incredibly blon-snark, cromzoid attitude.

Judy: Matt! (frusteratedly puts her head in her hands)

Matt: You are constantly, constantly into your own greebplarts! It drives me nirkskill, and I can’t take it.

Judy: This is just what I’m…

Matt: (interrupting) In addition to which, I have to deal with your incredibly overblown roofkies!

Judy: My roofkies?

Matt: Your ridiculous gripthoids.

Judy: My gripthoids?

Matt: And your unbelievably outrageous peep snappers!

Judy: My peep snappers?

Matt: (shouting) Yes, and I’m sick of it! Cromzoids, blon-snark, roofkies, gazornoplats! (hushed) And people wonder why I’m going crazy with you.

Judy: (aggrevated) What’s a gazornoplat?

Matt: I cannot take it anymore. I have a kistritsky too, did you know that? I have lunglubs, don’t you know that? Look, you have to take into consideration my lamzoids, my gleebfreebs, my normkrub, my troigs!

Judy: I was…

Matt: (shouting) So when you talk about the problem in our relationship, don’t lay it on my frigga-hoy-hoys, darling! Look inside your own groovy grumba-ho-hos, huh? I’m gonna go take a wappy-wip.

[ Matt crumples up his napkin, throws it on the table, and leaves while the other diners stare at him. The waiter returns to the table ]

Waiter: What’s the matter, sweetheart?

Judy: Oh Adolfo, sometimes I feel like I’ll just never understand men.

Waiter: Well, don’t worry. Everything will be coopercrippi.

[ Judy nods. Applause, fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Failed “I Love Lucy” Pilots

…..Desi Arnaz
Ricky Ricardo…..Desi Arnaz Jr.
Louis Armstrong…..Garrett Morris
Lucy…..Gilda Radner
Ricky Ricardo #2…..Tom Schiller

Desi Arnaz: You know, it’s no secret that “I Love Lucy” was a very successful show on television. But it has been on for so very long now.. and I want to tell you the story about that. It’s been on for so long now, and in so many forms, that I almost forgot, the,n how we arrived at the idea. You see, uh.. first, you try a lot of different things, and for the pilot.. and, if the pilot sells, then it becomes a series. So we try – this is really a matter of trial and error – you know, and we had to find something that would really present Lucy the right way. And we tried several ideas, and, uh.. we were very fortunate.. to find.. a print of some of those early pilots. So, Dave, if you’re ready, will you run the first one, please?

[ dissolve to “I Saw Lucy” title card ]

Announcer: “I Saw Lucy”.

[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]

Ricky Ricardo: [ runs to open window ] Lucy! honey, it’s me, Ricky! Can you hear me! Lucy, I’m up here! [ sits on couch ] Shucks! She never looks up! [ dials phone ] Hello, Fred? Oh, Ethel – hi, hi! Is Fred there? Let me talk to him! Yeah, you too. Yeah, I-I-I just saw Lucy again Fred, huh! Yeah, down in the street! no, she didn’t say anything, she didn’t even see me! Yeah, she was just walking by. Okay, bye-bye. [ hangs up phone ] Well, maybe if I go down to the club with Little Ricky, I’ll see her hanging around on the sidewalk, or something.

[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]

Desi Arnaz: The problem with “I Saw Lucy” seemed obvious after the first filming. We never actually got to see Lucy, and we felt that that would probably work againstus. So, I didn’t give Lucy a fair crack at the show.. so, we tried another idea.

[ dissolve to “I Loathe Lucy” title card ]

Announcer: “I Loathe Lucy”.

[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]

Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, honey, I’m home!

Lucy: Hi, honey!

Ricky Ricardo: Hi, honey! [ they kiss ] You look pretty.

Lucy: How are things at the club, honey?

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, great! You know, Maurice Chevalier’s gonna be on the show tonight, and he’s rehearsing right now!

Lucy: Oh, that’s great, honey!

Ricky Ricardo: Yeah, isn’t that great? Yeah! [ shoves Lucy to the floor ] Get me a drink, will you, honey?

Lucy: Oh, sure thing, honey, sure.. [ brings Ricky his drink ]

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, thank you. You know, I think I’m gonna ask Fred and Ethel to come see the show tonight! You can stay at home and be very lonely, huh.

Lucy: [ resolved ] Okay.

Ricky Ricardo: Hey, how’s Little Ricky’s cold?

Lucy: Oh, it’s much better.

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, good, good. [ sips his drink ] You know I don’t like Scotch!

Lucy: You don’t?

[ Ricky tosses the Scotch in Lucy’s face ]

Lucy: Honey, I’ll get you another drink.

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, thank you. Oh, come here, baby. Come here! [ kisses Lucy, then shoves her to the floor again ]

Lucy: [ jumps up and runs into the kitchen ] Ethel! Ethel!

[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]

Desi Arnaz: Um.. the wear and tear.. was too much for Lucy, you see. Exhausted, she came t us and asked us to come up with something – another vehicle – something less demanding.

[ dissolve to “I Love Louie” title card ]

Announcer: “I Love Louie”.

[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]

Ricky ricardo: Honey, I’m home!

Louie Armstrong: [ playing trumpet ] Hi, honey! You want dinner now, or should I play a number first? [ plays “A Kiss To Build A Dream On” on the trumpet ]

[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]

Desi Arnaz: [ laughs ] Oh.. of course, “I Love Louie”, uh.. had its share of problems, you see. Contractually, Louie Armstrong.. belonged to another studio, and it was almost impossible to get him every week. So.. we tried another idea.

[ dissolve to “I Love Asparagus” title card ]

Announcer: “I Love Asparagus”.

[ dissolve to close-up of plate of asparagus, as Ricky hovers over it ]

Ricky Ricardo: Honey, I’m home! I bet you can’t guess who’s gonna do the show tonight, huh! No.. it’s Ernie Kovacs. Yeah, yeah.. he said he’d do the show if he can get a chainsaw and a cardboard mock-up of a grand piano. Mmm-hmm.. Gee, honey, you know, you look great! Huh? [ starts to eat the asparagus ]

[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]

Desi Arnaz: The, uh.. the main problem with this one was keeping the vegetables fresh uner the very hot studio lights. And the budget was overwhelming. We tried, later, some broccoli.. again, they all kept shriveling and wilting away. And, again, no Lucy. So, finally, we hit on this!

[ dissolve to “I Love Desi” title card ]

Announcer: “I Love Desi”.

[ dissolve to Ricky’s empty apartment, as he comes running in ]

Ricky Ricardo: Honey, I’m home!

Ricky Ricardo #2: [ enters ] Hi, honey!

Ricky Ricardo: Hi!

Ricky Ricardo #2: Hi!

Ricky Ricardo: Heeeeeyy! Guess what? Is dinner ready, because, if it is, Cesar Romero’s on hid way here!

Ricky Ricardo #2: Cesar Romero coming here?

Ricky Ricardo: Yeah! Isn’t that terrific?

Ricky Ricardo #2: Yeah!

Ricky Ricardo: If you can make a fantastic dinner for him tonight, I think we can get him on the show!

Ricky Ricardo #2: Don’t worry about it, I’ve been cooking all afternoon with this new French cookbook that Ethel gave me. We’re having Beef Stroganoff, Beef Wellington, and Chocolate Mousse! I had a heck of a time getting the moose through the kitchen door!

Ricky Ricardo: Oh, no! That book! That was a joke cookbook I gave Fred as a practical joke!

Ricky Ricardo #2: Oh, no! Oh no, what do we do?

[ doorbell rings ]

Ricky Ricardo: Uh-oh! That’s Cesar!

Ricky Ricardo #2: Uh-oh!

[ dissolve back to Desi Arnaz ]

Desi Arnaz: We tried everything: “I Love Fred & Ethel”.. “I Love Loose Change”.. “I Love Casterbind Engines”.. “I Married Lucy”.. and even “Our Miss Lucy”. None of them worked. But the answer was obvious – a show with my wife called.. “I Love Lucy”. And now, I’ve got a wonderful surprise for you. Perhaps some of you are a little bit ahead of me, so, uh.. no use waiting any more. Let us introduce him right now. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome.. Mr. Willie Day!

[ Willie Day steps up on stage to decent applause ]

Desi Arnaz: Willie is the Prop Man on NBC’s Saturday Night! [ band breaks into “I Love Lucy” theme ] We’ll be right back after this message!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Ford’s Psychiatrist

Dr. Speck ….. Dan Aykroyd
Gerald Ford ….. Chevy Chase

[ FADE IN on Dr. Speck seated in his office. He dusts off a pillow with the Presidential seal on it and puts it on the couch next to him. There is a knock at the door ]

Dr. Speck: Come in.

[ Speck stands up to greet his patient, President Gerald Ford ]

Dr. Speck: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: Good afternoon, Dr. Speck.

[ Speck extends his hand for a handshake, but Ford uses the wrong hand ]

Gerald Ford: You know, I just want to tell you that these sessions have been great for me and I’m much more clearheaded already.

Dr. Speck: Well, I’m very glad to hear that, Mr. President. If you’d just like to lie down we can get on with the session.

Gerald Ford: Wonderful. Thank you.

[ Ford takes a few steps towards the couch but lies down on the floor ]

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, it might go a little easier if you just lie down on the couch as you usually do.

Gerald Ford: Ah.

[ Ford gets up and lies down on the couch the wrong way, horizontally rather than vertically ]

Dr. Speck: Might I suggest, Mr. President, that things might flow a little easier if you lie down with your head up here (motions toward pillow) and your body lengthwise on the couch.

Gerald Ford: Very good, doctor.

[ Ford finally lies down the correct way ]

Dr. Speck: Now, we talked about dreams last time. I want you to remember to your last dream, either last night or the night before. Just lay back and tell me what you see.

[ Speck starts taking notes as Ford looks upwards and tells the doctor what he sees ]

Gerald Ford: I see…white squares…black dots…kind of forming a pattern…the dots and the squares…

[ Speck stops taking notes and slowly and looks up at the ceiling ]

Gerald Ford: The sqaures seem to be like white tile…

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, that’s the ceiling I believe your looking at.

Gerald Ford: Ah, yes.

Dr. Speck: Let’s try a little free association, okay? Do you know what that is?

Gerald Ford: That’s when you don’t have to pay for it, isn’t it?

[ Ford laughs heartily at his joke while Dr. Speck feigns a few chuckles ]

Dr. Speck: That’s very, very funny, Mr. President. All right now, free association means that I’ll say a word and then you’ll say a word. Whatever word pops into your head, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Okay. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apple.

Dr. Speck: House.

Gerald Ford: House.

Dr. Speck: No no no, you can say a different word that the one I say, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes, of course.

Dr. Speck: Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apples.

Dr. Speck: It can be a completely different concept, you know.

Gerald Ford: Different word?

Dr. Speck: Yes, completely different. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Cider.

Dr. Speck: Good…

Gerald Ford: Bad.

Dr. Speck: No.

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Stop!

Gerald Ford: Go.

Dr. Speck: (pauses, then resumes the free association) Rug.

Gerald Ford: Trip.

Dr. Speck: Carpet.

Gerald Ford: Spill.

Dr. Speck: Car.

Gerald Ford: Crash.

Dr. Speck: Head.

Gerald Ford: Bump.

Dr. Speck: Snow.

Gerald Ford: Slip.

Dr. Speck: Primary.

Gerald Ford: Lose.

Dr. Speck: Reagan.

Gerald Ford: Hair dye.

Dr. Speck: China.

Gerald Ford: Pardon. Dr. Speck, I’m not feeling too well today. Got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe we could continue this tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Certainly, certainly.

Gerald Ford: Thank you, doctor. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Fine.

[ Ford gets up on the wrong side of the couch and crashes through the wall ]

[ CUT to Ford standing behind the set. He looks into the camera ]

Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

National Express Card

Rubin Carter…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Rubin Carter seated inside a jail cell. He rises and steps closer to address the camera. ]

Rubin Carter: Hi. You may not recognize my face. I was a top middleweight contender, and I’ve spent the past deven years in jail for something I didn’t do. I’ve gotten a lot of publicity lately: Joan Baez is my friend, and Bob Dylan writes songs about me. But, still, a lot of people don’t know who I am. That’s why I carry this: [ he holds up his National Express card ] A National Express card. The most honored credit card the world over. And if I ever get out of here, I’m gonna use it at hotels, restaurants and airports all over the world. Look — Harry Belefonte may not need identification, but you and I do. Don’t go any place without it. I know I don’t.

[ dissolve to close-up of his National Express card, as “Rubin “Hurricane” Carter” is typed across it ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Desi’s Book

Lucille Ball…..Gilda Radner

Lucille Ball: Desi has written a new book. It’s called “A Book”, by Desi Arnaz. And there’s a lot in here about me!

[ the thought of that suddenly makes her wail like Lucy Ricardo ]

[ cut to Desi Arnaz performing his next number ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Bisexual Minute

…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Jane Curtin ]

Jane Curtin: Hello. 200 years ago today, a young woman named Hester Catchbull put down her butter churn and picked up a musket. She raised her weapon in the cause of freedom, and leveled it at her husband Dan Catchbull, who was attempting to prevent her from leaving him. When he found himself staring down the barrell of his grandfather’s Blunderbuss, Dan soon relented, and Hester ran off with an itinerant lacemaker named Maryann Mackleroy. Hester and Maryann set up housekeeping over a dressmaker’s shop in Boston. Later, Hester’s daughter Margaret came to live with them. But Hester always regretted that the laws of the day kept them from having a church wedding. In a letter to her mother, explaining how she could abandon her husband for another woman, Hester confided: “One day, as I was emptying out the butter churn and the chamber pots, something in my head suddenly went “Click!”

And that’s the way it was, 200 years ago today.

[ dissovle to art card ]

Announcer: The preceding has been a Bisexual Minute.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty Regimen

Luciana Vermicelli…..Laraine Newman

[ open on a white casket, open to reveal the woman inside ]

[ suddenly, the woman rises to address the camera with a smile ]

Luciana Vermicelli: Hello! I am Luciana Vermicelli! I was an ugly child…

[ she motions hr hand toward a framed photo of a little girl with a moustache and beard ]

…a hideous teenager…

[ the next framed photo reveals a teenaged girl with a long snout ]

…fur on my ears and webbed fingers. But now I am young and beautiful. How did I do it? The answer is in this: [ she holds up a book ] My Beauty Regimen book. My book tells how I drink the blood of girl scouts and brownies. It tells how I eat the face of young virgins. It even tell how I have all my bones replaced with bones of cheerleader and pom-pom girls! Yes, for over 5,000 years, an Egyptian priest has kept all of my body intact — and some of my mind.

[ she glances off-screen in both directions ]

Kazakhan… the moon is over the valley of the jackals! Kazakhan? You can ignite the eterna-leaves now. Kazakhan? Give me a sign, I’ll cut the bird in two —

[ she clutches her throat and falls back into the coffin ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

40th Birthday

Husband…..Chevy Chase
Wife…..Jane Curtin
Friends…..John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Alan Zweibel, Tom Schiller, Michael O’Donoghue, Neil Levy

[ open on couple sitting up in bed, lighting cigarettes in the dark ]

Wife: Look — it wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to feel bad about it.

Husband: [ scoffs ] You know, you don’t have to say that — I know what you’re thinking.

Wife: These things happen to ALL men.

Husband: [ he sighs ] Well, it’s never happened to me before.

Wife: Maybe you shouldn’t have had that extra drink on the way home.

Husband: Listen — if all it takes is one extra drink, I must be getting pretty old, don’t you think?

Wife: Well, what do you expect? You work too hard, you never get enough exercise — no wonder you couldn’t do your best.

Husband: Look, I’m 40 years old today. Maybe I just wanted to prove I can still —

Wife: Well, I just didn’t think it had anything to do with ME!

Husband: Come on… I came home early, I saw you standing here, your dress is half unzipped —

Wife: Yeah, but you picked the wrong moment.

Husband: What’s wrong with a little spontaneity?

Wife: You THREW me! That’s all! I just wasn’t in the mood! I had plans for this evening! But, NO — you come in here, you BURST in here, you throw me on the bed, and you just expect me to respond! Yuo just don’t understand. I wanted today to be special.

Husband: [ thinking ] Well… come on, it’s not over yet. There’s still a few hours left.

Wife: I thought maybe we could have some friends over, maybe have a little celebration.

Husband: I’m sorry if I spoiled your plans. I guess it was kind of the wrong time.

Wife: I’m sorry, too. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

Husband: Thanks.

[ they kiss, as the lights suddenly turn on and their friends pop out of hiding ]

Friends: SURPRISE!!!

[ zoom in on Husband’s stunned, embarrassed face ]

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Sammy Davis Jr. Asks: Is There Showbusiness After Death?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 24th, 1976

Peter Cook

Dudley Moore

Neil Sedaka

None

George Coe

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Willie Day

Richard Belzer

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Michael O’Donoghue



Season 1: Order Now! Ford’s PsychiatristSummary: President Ford’s (Chevy Chase) psychiatrist (Dan Aykroyd) administers a word association test prior to Ford’s crashing through the office wall.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Desi Arnaz’s MonologueSummary: Desi Arnaz raves about the “special” cigars given to him by the cast.

Bio: Cuban musician Desi Arnaz (1917-86) founded Desilu Productions with wife Lucille Ball, where he developed the multicamera setup production style that would become the sitcom standard. He produced “I Love Lucy”, “Make Room For Daddy”, the pilot episode of “The Untouchables”, and a handle of other programs. He and Lucille Ball divorced in 1960.

Transcript

National Express CardSummary: His National Express Card enables Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris) to be recognized in prison.

Recurring Characters: Rubin Carter.

Transcript

40th BirthdaySummary: A husband’s (Chevy Chase) plans for fabulous sex on his 40th birthday turn sour in the bedroom, so his wife (Jane Curtin) and their guests gather together to try and cheer him up.

Transcript

Luciana Vermicelli’s Beauty RegimenSummary: Luciana Vermicelli (Laraine Newman) pops out of a coffin to tell viewers the secret of her beauty regimen.

Transcript

Literary RecitalSummary: Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky is butchered when Desi Arnaz reads it in his Cuban accent.

Very WhiteSummary: Preppy performer Very White (Chevy Chase) delivers a soulful narration of his love for his woman.

Transcript

Failed “I Love Lucy” PilotsSummary: Desi Arnaz shows the audience clips of himself (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) and Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) in some oddly-titled “I Love Lucy” pilots.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: An artist’s rendering of the Patty Hearst trial is comprised of a Betty Boop cartoon.

Transcript

SpeedSummary: Diet pill lets housewife (Anne Beatts) get lots of work done.

Note: Repeat from 11/22/75.

The UntouchablesSummary: Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) successfully captures drug kingpin Raoul Nitti (Desi Arnaz) when his wife, Lucy (Gilda Radner) packs the wrong machine gun.

Transcript

Lucy & EthelSummary: Lucy Ricardo (Gilda Radner) shows Ethel (Jane Curtin) various costumes she’ll use to sneak into Ricky’s club.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Desi Arnaz & Desi Arnaz, Jr. perform “Cuban Pete”Bio: The second child of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, Desi Arnaz, Jr. (1953-) was worked into the storyline of “I Love Lucy” during Ball’s pregnancy, which broke new ground in allowing a character to be pregnant on television. As a newborn baby, he appeared on the first cover of TV Guide.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: “Taylor’s Cat” features Taylor Mead’s cat getting high on catnip.

Cuban AcupunctureSummary: A Cuban acupuncturist (Desi Arnaz) uses cigars to cure his patient’s (John Belushi) headaches.

Understanding MenSummary: A frustrated Judy (Laraine Newman) cites poor communcation as a reason to break up with Matt (Chevy Chase), who uses a series of nonsense words she can’t understand in order to break up with her first.

Transcript

Bisexual MinuteSummary: Jane Curtin recalls one of America’s earliest lesbian affairs.

Transcript

Desi’s BookSummary: Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) comments on Desi Arnaz’s new book.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Desi Arnaz & Desi Arnaz, Jr. perform “Babalu”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts