Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Alcohol and Firearms Don’t Mix

Anne…..Jane Curtin
Michael…..Chevy Chase
Duke…..John Belushi
Patty…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Anne talking on the telephone and leaning over an intable.]

Anne: I couldn’t be happier, Margie. He’s too good to be true! He’s, he’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s rich, exciting… Definitely the best thing that’s happened to me since George died. I’m not gonna lose him, either. I’m reading this book called “The Total Woman.” Oh, yeah, he is a bit clumsy, but let’s face it, an old broad like me with two kids can’t be too choosy. Heh. No, no, the kids haven’t met him yet. They will later, though. He’s out duck hunting, he said he’d drop by afterwards. Oh, Marge, I like a man who hunts ducks.

[laughter]

Anne: [grins] Yeah. He said he was coming by because he said he had something very important to say to me. Yeah, I–Marge, I think he may even pop the question.

[doorbell rings]

Anne: [quickly] Oh, wait a minute, that might be him now, I’ll talk to you later, bye.

[She hangs up and turns toward the door.]

Anne: Coming!

[As she rushes to the door, a loud report is heard from offstage. She pauses an instant, then opens the door to reveal Michael in red plaid and khaki hunting gear, a rifle in his hand.]

Anne: [happily] Hi, Michael!

Michael: Hi, Anne, how are ya?

Anne: I just made some martinis just the way you like them!

Michael: Oh, great.

Anne: Did I just hear a shot?

Michael: Yeah, it’s a funny thing. I was walking up the driveway, and my gun kind of went off accidentally, and I shot a rabbit! [laughs] He was digging up your garden.

[Anne peers out through the front door and then turns back while Michael walks in and sits down.]

Anne: Uh… Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Anne: [dryly] Um, that wasn’t a rabbit… that, that was Skippy, my dog.

[laughter]

Michael: Oh, Anne, I’m terribly sorry, I–

Anne: [rushes to him] No problem, Michael, no problem, he… was getting old anyway.

Michael: You sure?

Anne: My God, in dog age, he was close to seven. [eagerly] Sit down, Michael! [pushes him into easy chair] Ah, I forgot to ask, how did duck hunting go?

Michael: Oh, well, it’s not really duck hunting, it’s, uh, well, it’s kind of deer hunting, even though I didn’t shoot a thing. I am getting better.

[His gun suddenly goes off, and the windowpane in the front door shatters with a jagged hole in the center.]

Michael: [stands up] Oh, Anne, I’m very sorry, uh–

Anne: No problem, these things happen, it was, uh, getting dirty anyway. [smiles]

Michael: I can’t believe, uh–

Anne: Y’know, Michael, I’m reading this book, called “The Total Woman.”

Michael: Yes.

Anne: It really makes a lot of sense. It says that, well, uh… A woman’s man comes first, he… he’s the most important thing in her life.

[The door suddenly jangles and opens as Anne’s son Duke walks in.]

Anne: Oh, hi, Duke, you’re home from school early!

Duke: Yeah, we had half a day.

Anne: Oh!

Michael: Hello, son. [extends his hand] How are you?

Duke: Hi. [shakes Michael’s hand]

Anne: Duke, why don’t you go upstairs and wash up, and then come down, and we’ll all get acquainted.

Duke: Sure. Say, what’s wrong with Skippy? He looks sick.

[laughter]

Anne: No, no, Duke, he’s tired, he’s sleeping.

Duke: Oh, that’s strange. The mailman’s lying in the lawn.

[laughter]

Duke: He must be sleeping too.

[Duke cheerfully heads up the stairs.]

Michael: Bright young boy.

Anne: I don’t like to talk about death in front of the children, it upsets them.

Michael: I can understand–

Anne: They still think my late husband is at the polls. Voting for Lyndon Johnson.

[laughter]

Michael: Y’know, I had no idea you’d been widowed that long?

Anne: [dreamily] Yes, the Lord took George away from me in 1964. It’s been twelve years. Twelve lonely years. But that’s all over now, isn’t it, Michael?

Michael: [pulls her close] Yes, it is, Anne.

Anne: I’m so happy.

[She presses her face passionately against his chest for a moment, then skips over to the foot of the stairs.]

Anne: DUKE?! Duke, come down, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about!

Duke: Sure.

[Duke obediently clambers downstairs while Michael cleans his rifle off to the side.]

Duke: Hi, Mike.

Michael: Hey, Duke, how ya doin’?

[Just when Duke reaches the landing, Michael points the gun straight at his chest, and a shot rings out. Duke crumples to the living room floor. A chair spins slightly as he lands. Anne and Michael watch in disbelief for moment.]

Michael: [horrified] Oh. Oh, my Lord, I–

[Anne rushes up and stop Michael in mid-stride.]

Anne: [passionately] No problem!

[laughter]

Michael: Anne… that was your son!

Anne: That’s right–it was my son. But we can’t live in the past, now, can we? We must live for today and… tomorrow. Our tomorrow. [slowly pushes him into chair] Right, Michael?

Michael: [sits down with her on his lap] Yeah, I guess so. You’re so understanding, I…

Anne: Well, I try not to be bothered by trivialities, and you should too. I can help you relax. Like it says in the book, “The Total Woman.” There’s an entire chapter on whipped cream.

Voice: [off camera] Mommy, am I crazy, or did I just hear shots?

Michael: [casually] Say, who is that?

[CUT to Patty walking down the stairs in a robe and drying her hair.]

Patty: I was in the shower, I could’ve sworn I–

[Michael lifts up his rifle reflexively and fires another perfect shot.]

Patty: Uhhhhhhh… [drops to the floor]

Anne: [closing her eyes] My late daughter.

Michael: [stands up] Oh. I, I am, now, am very sorry…

Anne: [grabs his arms] No problem, Michael, no problem. Look, Patty was young, but those were nineteen fruitful years.

Michael: Yes, but…

Anne: She even went to Europe last summer!

Michael: Well… [walks away in stunned disbelief]

Anne: Getting back to the book, Michael… you know, it says… It says that a woman should help her man feel less uptight–he should be catered to when he comes home. [pushes him gently down into the easy chair] Don’t you agree?

[Michael sighs and takes her hand.]

Michael: I guess I do, Anne. Listen, um… Well, now that we’re alone, as it were… [glances in Duke’s direction] Well, there’s something I, there’s something I wanted to ask you.

Anne: [with baited breath] Really?

Michael: [nervously] Yeah. Um… I’ve never asked anybody this before, I’m kind of nervous–

Anne: Take your time.

Michael: Anne… will… [sighs] Uhhh. I’m so old-fashioned. Look, look… [stands up] You sit here.

Anne: Okay.

Michael: I guess… I just wanna do it the right way.

[He drops to one knee as she sits in the chair.]

Michael: Look–

[His rifle goes off and shoots Anne point-blank in the right lung. Anne grimaces and glances down.]

Michael: Anne? Anne. Are you all right?

Anne: No problem, just hurry up, what was it that you wanted to ask? [stifles a laugh]

Michael: You sure you’re all right–

Anne: I’m fine, Michael.

Michael: Oh. Um… [snickers] You look nervous too–I’m so nervous, you know. Uh, uh. Y’know, I could really use that martini now, I’ll tell ya.

Anne: Now?

Michael: Yeah, it’d probably help me pop the– well! [gestures awkwardly]

[Anne nods obediently and struggles to rise from her chair, leaning on Michael for support.]

Michael: Y’know, as I was saying, I… well, we’ve known each other for a little while now, Anne, and, uh…

[She lurches toward the intable for his drink and manages to serve it neatly to him.]

Michael: Oooooh, did you think I could have a twist? Just a little drier.

[Anne reaches stiffly for an olive and plops it into his martini.]

Michael: We’ve known each other for, I guess, a few, months–

Anne: Is that okay?

Michael: That’s fine, that’s perfect. No problem.

[Anne finally collapses at his feet. After regarding her for a moment, Michael stands up and sets the rifle back at his hip. CUT to a closeup of Michael with his martini in the other hand.]

Michael: [in a spokeman’s voice] This message has been brought to you by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

[SUPERIMPOSE “A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE” at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael: Hello. You know… a gun is only as dangerous as the man who uses it. [doffs his hunting cap] Bullets and alcohol don’t mix. [confused] Or is it bullets and tobacco? No, wait… [puts cap back on] If you don’t drink, don’t shoot. [confidently] Don’t smoke while you’re loading your gun!

[Struggling to remember his tagline, he sets the down the gun pointing up at him, and it promptly fires once more.]

Michael: Oh, boy.

[FADE to a slide reading, “Presented by THE PRESIDENT’S COUNCIL FOR CLEAR THINKING.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Goodnights

…Dick Cavett

[Dick is standing on home base alone]

Dick Cavett: You don’t see acts like that last one on the Family Hour, you’ll admit that. This show is a lot of fun to work- by the way, I want to thank everybody- It will be on next on Valentine’sweekend, that- that Saturday, and if our show was not seen in yourcity tonight, please write, and let us know what you thought of it. [bemused smirk, as if waiting for the audience to get the joke]. Night. [Turns around to walk upstage, starts to take off suit jacketagressively as if annoyed as closing theme begins to play. No creditsroll- all that shows is the Delta Airlines and Brooks Van Horncredits]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dance to the Nation

Announcer…..Chevy Chase
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin

[ open on apron of Home Base, with title card on screen, a flautist and pianist on either side ]

Announcer: Time, once again, for “Dance to the Nation”, the dance/advice show starring the First Lady herself. And now, here’s Betty!

[ Betty Ford runs onstage in leotards and waving a silk scarf as she dances ]

Announcer: Our first letter is from a Mrs. Arnold Wilson of South Philadelphia. Mrs. Wilson writes: “Dear Betty: My son, Arnold, Jr., is always tired and can’t seem to do his homework. Also, his room is usually full of different expensive stereo systems and TV sets, he claims he is just “keeping for a friend.” Do you think he’s smoking marijuana, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! Times have changed, you know, and young people have changed with them. [ she does a spin ] Even as we stand still! Leave him alone, and chances are he’ll grow out of it. Now that my son Jack has realized pot isn’t for him, we’re closer than ever. Why, just the other night, I found myself in the White House kitchen at two o’clock in the morning, baking chocolate chip cookies because Jack said he had a case of the “Munchies”! Isn’t that cute!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: [ chuckling ] Mrs. Eileen Crosby of Garden City, New Mexico writes: “Dear First Lady Betty: I recently discovered that my daughter’s roommate is a married man, and that the college she has been attending for three years is a school for topless croupiers. What would you do if you were in my shoes, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! And yet, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation. I know I was concerned after calling Susan late at night and not getting any answer. But she explained my fears away when she told me about the long showers she likes to take at three or four in the morning! And now we’re closer than ever!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: Our next letter is from a Mrs. Janice Hirsch of New York City. She writes: “Dear Betty: My husband, despite his high office, is an inept man. I have tried for years to pretend otherwise, but now he’s embarrassed me in public once too often. I have to face the facts, Betty, that I am married to a turkey. What would you say if a woman you knew personally were in this situation?”

[ Betty stops dancing and stares blankly]

Announcer: Betty?

[ Betty awkwardly begins dancing once more, still staring blankly ]

Announcer: Betty, the question? Do you care to answer the question, Betty?

Betty Ford: [ glancing offstage ] What’s that, Susan? He’s got his toes stuck in the tub again? Oh, it’s stuck in the sink. I’ll be right there!

Announcer: Betty, what is your answer to the question? Betty?

[ Betty rushes offstage ]

Announcer: Uh… we’ll be back next week for “Dance to the Nation”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock III

Lowell Brock…John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock sitting in his chair in office]

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, instead of H&R Block.

[SUPER: “REASON #5: WE HAVE CLOSE TIES WITH THE UNDERWORLD”] Reason number five: we have [smile starts to creep across John Belushi’s face as he reads lines, and he struggles to keep in character throughout the rest of the sketch] close ties with the underworld. Say an IRS official decides to audit you. An H&L Brock representative [takes off glasses] will accompany you to the IRS office and personally threaten the official. [SUPER: “REASON #6: EASY LOANS, CHEAP GOODS”] Reason number six: in addition to great breaks on taxes, [folds glasses] H&L Brock, you’ll get cheap stereo equipment, and easy term loans. Oh! Remember- [suppressing laughter] if I don’t worry about a crackdown, you shouldn’t. [scrunches cheeks with his fingers and makes faces]

[Cut to side camera angle where Lorne Michaels is seen crawling away from the chair in which Belushi is seated. Applause; Belushi rises and starts to walk away from the chair but is jerked back as his shoelaces are tied together. Belushi mutters ‘what the fuck’ and ‘goddamn’ as Bob Van Ry helps him out; Lorne rises from the ground on the edge of the set and retrieves his wineglass from the floor. Fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock II

Lowell Brock…John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock’s office. Lowell is sitting in his chair, ripping scraps of paper out of a document with the header ‘TAX LAW’. He licks the scraps and puts them on his cheeks before noticing the camera, and quickly removes them].

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, instead of H&R Brock [Belushi muffs the last part of the line].

Reason number three: [SUPER: “REASON #3: WE PAY OFF IRS OFFICIALS”] we pay off Internal Revenue Service Officials. H&L Brock has been greasing palms in Washington for over 20 years, and all for your benefit. Take, for example, [SUPER: “REASON #4: THE H&L BROCK DEDUCTION”] reason number four: the H&L Brock Deduction. [removes glasses] In 1957, an H&L Brock-owned congressman wrote into law a special $1000 deduction which can be claimed by people who have their taxes prepared by (pause) H&L Brock. You don’t have to be wealthy to use tricky loopholes; bring your taxes to H&L Brock- make the system work for you. [Brock puts the frame of his glasses in his mouth, letting them dangle] [SUPER: “H&L BROCK: THE TAX FRAUD PEOPLE]

[applause and fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock I

Lowell Brock … John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock standing behind his chair in his office, reading a folder]

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, insa- instead of H&R Block. [he sits in the chair]

Reason number one: [SUPER: “REASON #1: WE CHEAT FOR YOU”] we are willing to cheat for you. Take for example, this little item [indicates folder]- reason number two: [SUPER: “REASON #2: BOGUS RECEIPT SERVICE”] our bogus receipt service. [Spreads folder to show various fake receipts]. We can fabricate entire business trips using our collection of all the standard receipt forms used by [points to various receipts] legitimate restaurants, airlines, car rentals, or any expense remotely related to your business. [closes folder]

Why pay costly taxes [removes his glasses] when you don’t have to? [SUPER: “H&L BROCK: THE TAX FRAUD PEOPLE”] Bring your taxes to H&L Brock and don’t you be a chump this year.

[applause and fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Looks at Books

…..Chevy Chase
…..Dick Cavett

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, and welcome, once again, to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is Dick “The Stick” Cavett, author of Nebraska Pimp, a look at the secret world of the midwestern man of leisure. Dick, welcome.

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Mr. Chevy, and… and… [ rubbing his pants leg ]

Chevy Chase: It’s gonna be fine.

Dick Cavett: It’s very fine to be here.

Chevy Chase: Maybe we should begin by describing — in layman’s terms — uh, what, uh — well, what exactly is a pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh, Chevy, let me just say that, uh… well, men want females to accept their companionship, and I can provide that. So, therefore, me.

Chevy Chase: Oh! So, then, the Nebraska Pimp in the book is you, and not some other Nebraska Pimp?

Dick Cavett: Uh, yeah. Uh, in fact, there’s only one other pimp in the whole state. Uh, my turf covers the whole eastern half of Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: I guess that would give you a lot of territory, huh?

Dick Cavett: Mmm, about 15,000 square miles, that’s correct.

Chevy Chase: Which, according to your book, you cruise in your pimpmobile, is that correct?

Dick Cavett: That is exactly correct. Yes, I have a ’73 Impala with customized light guards, yes.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: Mmm-hmm. Now, my base of operations, however, is still my hometown — that’s Grand Allen, Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Dick ,how exactly did you becoma a… pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s an interesting story. Can I take my hat off a little bit?

Chevy Chase: Please do.

Dick Cavett: It’s very hot in here. – he removes his hat ] It’s a lovely thing here.

Chevy Chase: It’s very nice.

Dick Cavett: I got that at Chateau Pimp, here in New York.

Chevy Chase: Ah, yes!

Dick Cavett: Uh — well. How did I get started? I was sixteen, and I was, uh, you know, “messing around” with my girlfriend, Mary Lou Difanisan, in the back seat of her old De Sota. And, uh, I said, you know, “I have a brilliant idea.” I said to myself, “Why, there’s guys who would pay good money for what I’m doing right now.”

Chevy Chase: [ he chuckles heartily ] Well… you know, Dick, if I were in Grand Allen and wanted to have a good time, uh, where do you think I might go?

Dick Cavett: Well, there’s the bowling alley, and, uh… and, uh…

Chevy Chase: No, no…

Dick Cavett: …there’s that “Billy Jack” movie at the Capitol Theater…

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I mean, if I wanted to get some… some action.

Dick Cavett: Some “action”?

Chevy Chase: You know — if I wanted to “mess around”.

Dick Cavett: Oh! With Mary Lou? [ he chuckles ]

Chevy Chase: Oh. You mean, you only have one girl?

Dick Cavett: Y-yeeah. But Mary Lou’s pretty, uh… I think they say “far out”. She don’t wear a bra!

[ they both laugh ]

Chevy Chase: Well, w-w-where would I find you to set this up?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh… I work out of Mel’s Mr. Donut. And, uh, you’d have to meet me there, but, uh… you’d have to wait for me to close up, of course.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: And then, you’d just go out… and I’d drive you to a point just outside of town…

Chevy Chase: This would be, uh, where Mary Lou lives, then?

Dick Cavett: No, not exactly. See, she meets us in her old De Sota, and, uh… you get out of my car, join Mary Lou in the back seat of her car, and then I sit by and I blink the lights in my car if the cops come. [ he laughs ] It’s like that, it’s easy.

Chevy Chase: H-h-h-how much cash would I-I drop for these services, Dick?

Dick Cavett: Well, that depends on whether you want a, you know, a adventure to first, second, or third base — uh, whatever it is.

Chevy Chase: Well, what about… home plate? [ he laughs ]

Dick Cavett: You do that, I’ll bust you right in the mouth! My Mary Lou don’t mess — she just “messes around”, she don’t go to first, second, third — none of that fancy city stuff!

Chevy Chase: Wait, wait, wait! I think I’m beginning to understand. When you say “messing around”… you actually mean… just messing around? I mean, uh — that’s all you mean! I mean, don’t a lot of guys get angry when they find this out?

Dick Cavett: Well, only the ones from out of town.

Chevy Chase: Dick, now I-I-I can’t imagine you make much… you make much money doing this…

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s why I tried to supplement my income by coming on your show and trying to sell that book. [ acknowleding the audience ] And these people have been awful nice — they haven’t laughed at us or anything.

[ the audience laughs at this ]

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Mr. Cavett, uh… if you write as well as you pimp… [ he laughs, losing his thought ]

Dick Cavett: [ equally amused ] If I write as well as I pimp?

Chevy Chase: If you write as well as you pimp… I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot less of you!

Dick Cavett: Thank you, I suppose.

Chevy Chase: Thank you.

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m very happy, and I’m sorry I got upset there earlier.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s all right. I love the shoes, too.

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s right there yours.

Chevy Chase: [ to the audience ] Be sure to join us next week, when we take a look at a book about Jewish farmers. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Doesn’t Understand Young People Today” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: [in an office, sits on edge of desk andaddresses camera] Hi, I’m Dick Cavett. You know, for along time I made my living as a broadcaster and TVpersonality. Sure, it was good but now I know wherethe real money is: auto refinishing and upholstery.The big three car makers turn out millions of unitsper year but many don’t have the opera windows andlouvered vinyl roofs that American car buyers aredemanding. That’s where you come in with your diplomafrom any one of the three hundred Dick Cavett-approvedschools of auto refinishing and upholstery. [Dissolvebriefly to a doctored photo of a mechanic working on acar, with Cavett’s head pasted to his body.] With theproper skills and tools, you can make steady cashcustomizing and restyling sedans, vans and coupes madesince 1960. So, enroll now and you’ll receiveabsolutely free my three hundred page booklet MentalEquilibrium and Vinyl Spray Technique.

Don Pardo: That’s the Dick Cavett School of AutoRefinishing and Upholstery, Box 39, Long Island City,New York.

Dick Cavett: Remember — [sings] Opera windows justdon’t have it/Unless they’re made by Cavett — Mmmm.

[dissolve to audience member with SUPER: “Says He “Never Saw” Deep Throat” ]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 31st, 1976

Dick Cavett

Jimmy Cliff

Marshall Efron

Al Alen Peterson

None

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller VoodooSummary: Bothered that Chevy Chase gets all the attention on “SNL”, Garrett Morris uses a voodoo curse to manipulate his fall.

Transcript

Montage

Dick Cavett’s MonologueSummary: Dick Cavett tells a few jokes to the audience before “dropping the show.”

Bio: Dick Cavett (1936-) held jobs as a magician, stand-up comedian and writer/talent coordinator for “The Tonight Show with Jack Parr” before landing his own talk show in 1969.

Transcript

Alcohol & Firearms Don’t MixSummary: Anne (Jane Curtin) is so excited at the prospect of getting married that she ignores the accidental firings of her hunter boyfriend (Chevy Chase).

Transcript

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing & UpholsterySummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn how to install opera windows on American cars.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “The Harder They Come”Bio: Jimmy Cliff (1948-) helped introduce reggae music to America with his performance in the 1973 Jamaican film “The Harder They Come.” Cliff’s first two performances in this episode come from that film’s soundtrack.

H & L Brock ISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team are willing to cheat for you.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Australian mercenary (Dan Aykroyd) in Angola wants sex with Laraine Newman. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) disagrees with an “eagle” rights amendment. Tom Schiller repeats the top story for “I Love Lucy” fans.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Felina Cat FoodSummary: Test proves it’s different than regular tuna.

Note: Repeat from 10/25/75.

Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane OperationSummary: Enroll in Dick Cavett’s school to learn the ins and outs of hydroplane operation.

Transcript

Our TownSummary: Stage Mananger (Dick Cavett) describes his town to the audience.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Many Rivers to Cross”

Dick Cavett Lookalike ContestSummary: The winner of the Dick Cavet Lookalike Contest (Marshall Efron) hardly resembles Dick Cavett at all.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: A tailor and a plastic surgeon make alterations to one another.

Dance To The NationSummary: Betty Ford’s (Jane Curtin) dispenses common-sense advice while performing dance moves on stage.

Transcript

H & L Brock IISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team will pay off IRS officials and find tricky loopholes that will work in your favor.

Transcript

Looks At BooksSummary: Dick Cavett plugs his book detailing his lifestyle as a Nebraska pimp.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Wahjaka Man”

H & L Brock IIISummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) and the H & L Brock tax team’s ties with the underworld can be an asset to you this tax season.

Note: Lorne Michaels plays an off-screen joke on John Belushi during this sketch, by tying Belushi’s shoelaces together below his chair.

Transcript

“The Apple Follies”Summary: Harry McDevitt’s film features a police raid following an apple’s strip tease.

“I Gotta Be Me”Summary: Hardhat Al Alen Petersen is transformed into a blonde woman.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
Man…..Garrett Morris
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Alan Zweibel

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Honey… you’re talking too fast. What did she tell you? Yes… at the right moment. Yeah? Well, who yanks the beads out? I — [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go!

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and… you’re not.

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks. And his doctors refuse to speculate on how long he can last in his present condition.

This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent is suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan revealed he was undergoing treatment for cancer of the hair.

After the treatment, Reagan met at a reception with the three most popular conservative party majors to discuss burning the edges of government documents brown to make them look old and really neat. And the potential use of the musket in CIA-financed foreign wars.

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among those listed are Elliott Richardson, Charles Mercy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brook of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brook, a Black man, will not actually be the choice for running mate, but that “The President put his name on a list as a token…” [ flips page ] “of his appreciation.”

Chevy Chase: Because it has been so difficult reaching our correspondent in Angola, via satellite, during the heavy fighting there in past weeks. I will dial directly for a live telephone hook-up with “Update” reporter Luwanda Angola. [ he dials the phone ]

[ on the monitor, the phone rings at Jane Curtin’s residence ]

Jane Curtin: [ she answers ] Hello?

Chevy Chase: Hello, Angola!

Jane Curtin: Angela’s not here right now. Who’s this?

Chevy Chase: This is Chevy Chase, “Weekend Update”.

Jane Curtin: [ elated ] Chevy, what are you doing calling me! Aren’t you supposed to be doing the news?

Chevy Chase: Who is this?

Jane Curtin: This is Jane! How are you!

Chevy Chase: Ah, Jane… hi… how are you? I-I must have dialed the wrong number. I wanted Angola.

Jane Curtin: Angela’s over at your house, stringing the beads. You know that.

Chevy Chase: [ blushing ] Good night, Jane! [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luwanda Angola!

State Department officials have denied that the revolution-scarred nation has been signed for a two-week engagement at New Yokr’s Apollo Theater.

Patricia Hearst’s lawyers have been charged with trying to stop doctors from trying to examine her, and possibly using sodium-pentathol administered by a hyperdermic. Patty is reputed to have a long-standing fear of needles, dating back to the time when she was an only child in San Francisco — THE only child in San Francisco — who had to — who had to snort her polio vaccine. [ Chevy crumbles the report and flicks it off the news desk ]

Pugi, the hot, new Israeli rock band of southern men, will visit the U.S. and perform in New York City’s Town Hall on February 22nd. The group will feature their new hit single: “Palestine, My Buns”.

Following reports of swarms of so-called killer bees from South America, crossing the border into Texas and California, the Department of Agriculture has warned of dangerous apartment-eating cattle, seen roaming loose in North Carolina.

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” is proud to announce a new weekly feature on today’s woman. To kick it off, Laraine Newman is in Times Square with a live remote interviewing people on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” Laraine?

Laraine Newman: [ in times Square ] Thank you, Chevy. I’m stopping people on the street at random, and getting their views on “Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?” [ she stops a Black man ] Oh! Excuse me. I’m Laraine Newman, from NBC’s “News Update”. Could you answer just a couple of questions?

Man: Sure.

Laraine Newman: 1: Have you ever had an abortion?

Man: Uhhhh, no… I haven’t.

Laraine Newman: And, Number 2: if, under the right circumstances, would you have an abortion?

Man: Naaahhhh, I wouldn’t… no.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. [ the man walks away, confused and bewildered ] This has been Laraine Newman, in Times Square. Back to you, Chevy.

[ Chevy shakes his head ]

Walter Cronkite admitted today that he would have informed the FBI if John Chancellor was indeed a CIA informant, had the CIA not asked the former not to disclose the FBI’s associations to the CIA, as long as the FBI and the CIA were connected with the Chancellor investigation, and if Cronkite’s CIA-sponsored activities uncovering Chancellor’s FBI-NBC connections with the AF of L CIO, CBS, J-E-double-L-O. [ a beat ] M-O-u-S-E.

Great Bitten — Britney! [ Chevy speaks sudden gibberish, then starts over ] Great Britain’s conquered SST flew her maiden passenger flight, Monday, from London to Rio de Janiero in a record seven hours and fifty minutes. The record time included a one-hour refueling and forty-minute delay when the pilot overshot South America.

Chevy Chase: Still To Come: David and Julie Eisenhower openly discuss David’s sexual fantasies. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Middle American Van Lines ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this FUSS I hear… about saving Soviet jewelry? Now… what makes Soviet jewelry so special? Will it be worth more in a few years? Why… prices what they are today… ALL jewelry will be worth more! now, if I recall correctly, Mrs. Kruschev didn’t wear very much jewelry… and her husband, the Premier, didn’t even wear a watch! Not the mickey mouse watch, anyway. Why, they wouldn’t even let him into Disney Land! And now he’s DEAD!! Well, I’m infuriated! Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers! Let them keep their own jewelry AND their own ballet dancers! As a matter of fact, why don’t get the ballet dancers to save the jewelry?! Americans have more important things to save! And electricity! And what about our fuel? Now, THAT’S important! Not jewelry!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella. Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: It’s Jewry. Jewry. Not jewelry.

Emily Litella: It’s what?

Chevy Chase: Soviet Jewry. The editorial was about Jewry, not jewelry.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very important.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: In reviewing “Weekend Update” for the past twelve editions, we find we may have been unreasonably unfair to President Gerald R. Ford. Beginning tonight, “Weekend Update” declares a moratorium on stories which might be interpreted as accusing the President of stupidity and clumsiness. In the future, we shall treat the Office of the President with the respect it deserves, and eliminate ALL questionable references to our Chief Executive.

This morning, an unidentified man fell out of a second story window of the White House and landed headfirst in the Rose Garden. Whoever it was somersaulted to a waiting helicopter, bumped his head on the rotor blade, and was carried into the craft by Secret Service agents, then took off for Andrews Air Force Base for the first leg of a trip to Veil, Colorado.

We’re running out of time, so I’ll just have to combine the last two stories: This afternoon, George foreman knocked out the capitol city of Beirut, Lebanon, where he found guerilla warfare in that heavyweight Mediterranean prizefight. That report from correspondent Ron Lyle, in battle-torn Las Vegas, Nevada, in the Middle East.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been in the shower earlier in the broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of Wet Americans for a Cleaner Nation, Alan Zweibel. The top story tonight:

Alan Zweibel: Tonight’s top story:

Together: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks.

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Alan Zweibel: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts