For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men
Goodnights
…..Zach Galifianakis
Zach Galifianakis: Thanks to Of Monsters and Men, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Jon Hamm! Thank you very much to the cast and crew! Thank you so much, everybody!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men
Darrell’s House
Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
…..Jon Hamm
[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ]
[ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]
Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”
Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”
[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]
Darrell: …Hello!
[ jump cut ]
Darrell: …Let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to enter–
Wife V/O: What are —
Darrell: –TAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!
[ cut to an empty snack tray ]
[ jump cut to snacks now on the tray ]
Darrell: The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing…
Darrell V/O: [ as his lips move on-screen ] Al… Jolsen.
[ Al Jolsen music begins to play ]
Darrell: That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests!
[ jump cut as a doorbell rings ]
Darrell: I think one is here right now!
[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]
Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!
[ jump cut as the door opens and Jon Hamm steps in ]
Jon Hamm: How youdoing, Darrell?
Darrell: Thanks for coming! [ split-screen on Darrell shaking his friends hand, with Jon Hamm in the pother frame ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?
[ cut to close-up of Jon Hamm ]
Jon Hamm: If I told you… it wouldn’t be a secret!
Darrell: [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?
[ the two camera angles follow Darrell and Jon Hamm to thesnack area ]
[ cut to Jon Hamm putting a snack in his mouth ]
Jon Hamm: Excellent!
Darrell: [ with his Friend’s arm still in the shot ] Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!
Jon Hamm: They’re great!
Darrell: You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man!
[ cut to full-frame video footage of the “Showtime at the Apollo” audience whooping it up ]
Darrell: [ with his Friend still in the shot ] Thanks for stopping by, Jon!
[ jump cut to Jon Hamm, with Darrell checking his phone in the background ]
Jon Hamm: Thanks for having me!
[ Jon Hamm exits ]
Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success!
[ close-up of Darrell blinking, with a CGI of his right eye still open ]
[ jump cut to a freeze-frame of Darrell with the credits scrolling over him ]
[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]
Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”
Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men
Darrell’s House
Darrell Sparks…..Zach Galifianakis
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
Wayne Smote…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Knoxville Cable Access card ]
[ dissolve to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]
Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”
Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”
[ dissolve to Darrell standing in his living room ]
Darrell: Hi! Hello! [ he glances off-camera ] Okay, edit out the “Hi”, I just want to do it, okay? Just do it, Marcus, just do it! [ to the camera ] I’m Darrell, this is the first time I’m having house over to my people! [ he groans in disgust ] God! Cut that! Alright? Just CUT that part! [ to the camera ] But before my friends show up… let me tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Darrell Sparks, and I love to entertain…!
[ Darrell’s wife appears at the top of the stairs ]
Wife: What are you doing?!
Darrell: Honey, I’m filming a show.
Wife: It looks STUPID!
Darrell: [ he throws a plant at her ] YOU look stupid!!
[ she rushes upstairs in fear ]
Darrell: Just — Marcus, you GOTTA cut around all that, okay? No rage. No rage. I’ll say “Entertain” again, and just pick it up right after that! [ he smiles at the camera ] ENTERTAIN!! So what do I consider the three keys of entertaining? 1. Great snacks!
[ cut to an empty snack tray ]
Darrell: Marcus? I want a shot of snacks there, okay? Just a shot of snacks. [ to the camera ] The second key? Good music! That’s why I’m playing… [ he moves his mouth without speaking ] So, if we can find can artist there, we’ll clear his name, we’ll record that name over there, and then we’ll put in the music where we’re with my lips, okay? [ he smiles at the camera ] That sounds GREAT!! And last, but not least, great guests! [ he glances off-camera ] I want you to put a doorbell effect there, okay? Right after I say “guests.” MARCUS!! Okay, good. [ he smiles at the camera ] I think one is here right now!
[ Darrell walks over to the front door and opens it ]
Darrell: Mr. Jon Hamm!
[ Wayne Smote enters ]
Wayne: I’m not Jon Hamm.
Darrell: I know, but we’re here… and we’re gonna edit him in. You’re just here for the lighting and markers, okay? [ to the camera ] Thanks for coming! [ whispering ] Now, shake my hand…” [ they shake hands ] There we go… [ loudly ] You look AMAZING, Jon! What’s your secret?
Wayne: My secret is… I’m not Jon Hamm.
Darrell: [ glancing off-camera ] Marcus? Okay, listen, I’m gonna laugh really hard, in case, uh, Jon says something really funny, okay? I’m gonna do it right here. [ he laughs ridiculously over-the-top ] Oh, Jon! Care for some snacks?
[ Wayne shrugs his shoulders, then follows Darrell over to the empty snack tray ]
Darrell: Okay, pretend to take some snacks, please? And eat a snack.
[ Wayne pretends to eat snacks ]
Darrell: Why, thank you, Jon! I made them myself!
Wayne: Hey, if Jon Hamm is on this show, why isn’t he here?
Darrell: [ outraged ] BECAUSE WE’RE ON DIFFERENT SCHEDULES!!! [ he throws down his snack tray, then glances off-camera ] Hey, Marcus? Just edit that part out, okay? I’m gonna tell my joke now. [ he looks at the camera ] You look so happy, Jon, which is surprising — I always heard you were a MAD man! [ he smiles, then glances off-camera ] Insert a shot of, uh, “Showtime at the Apollo”, people laughing at the audience, okay? Audience — huge laugh, right there. [ to the camera ] “Thanks for stopping by, Jon!”
Wayne: Go?
Darrell: Yes! Go! Go!
Wayne: Hey, when’s this gonna be on? I want to tell my mom to watch.
Darrell: You’re not gonna be on! Jon Hamm is gonna be on!
Wayne: [ smiling ] I bet it’ll be me!
Darrell: Bye, Jon! You’re a friend!
[ Wayne quietly exits ]
Darrell: Well… For the first time I had someone to my house, THAT was a success! [ he glances off-camera ] So, what I want to do here is, I want to wink, but I can’t — I can only blink. So I’ll blink… but then CGI this eye open so it looks like a wink, okay? [ he blinks ] And now freeze-frame me smiling, and roll the credits over my face. [ he stands still as he smiles wide ] And then, we can just roll the song.
[ cut back to Darrell’s head bouncing around on blue screen ]
Jingle: “It’s the…
first time…
Darrell’s having people over to his house.”
Darrell V/O: “Hoo-ray!!”
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men
Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike Competition
Emcee…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Nevins…..Zach Galifianakis
Jackie Benning…..Cecily Strong
Ben Gables…..Bobby Moynihan
Vincent Smith…..Kenan Thompson
Mark Leonard…..Taran Killam
Gabby Franklin…..Nasim Pedrad
Diana Reynolds…..Vanessa Bayer
Radley Cooper…..Bradley Cooper
Ted Pelms…..Ed Helms
[ open on Marriott Ballroom ]
Emcee: Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the winners of the 15th Annual Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition, I’d just like to tell all eight of our finalists that, no matter who wins: [ singing ] “You are so Aniston…to meeeeee!” Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. And, please — Hold all applause until I read ALL the names. Now, in eighth and last place… it is Paul Nevins.
Paul Nevins: WHAT?!!!
Emcee: Uh… Congratulations to Paul. Uh… now…
Paul Nevins: No, no, no, no! [ he runs onstage ] I hate to interrupt, but obviously there’s been a mistake here!
Emcee: I’m afraid not, Paul. You’ve got Eighth place.
Paul Nevins: How is that even POSSIBLE?!! I mean, LOOK at me! I’m PERFECT!!
Emcee: Uh — well, you know, the judges didn’t think so!
Paul Nevins: Yeah? WHO were the judges?! Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller?!
Emcee: Hey, come on!
Paul Nevins: Oh, shut up!! She knew what she was doing! She was MILKING it!
Emcee: Paul!
Paul Nevins: Well, tell me this, then: What was my Hair score?!
Emcee: Come on, Paul…
Paul Nevins: What was my Hair score?! I want to know my damn Hair score, please!
Emcee: It was a 3.
Paul Nevins: A 3! That’d better be out of 2!
Emcee: It was out of 100!
Paul Nevins: Okay, fine! Read the rest of your little list there, Schindler! I am FASCINATED to know who BEAT me!
Emcee: Okay… Well, in Seventh place is Jackie Benning!
Paul Nevins: WHAT?!! WHAAAATTT?!! Jackie Benning?!! LOOK at her!!
[ reveal Jackie ]
Emcee: I think she looks very convincing.
Paul Nevins: TO WHO??!! HELEN KELLER??!!
Jackie Bennings: Hey! I helped you with your hair!
Paul Nevins: Yeah! And see how THAT turned out! Just GREAT!! Thanks a lot for the help, BEEN A BITCH Arnold!!
Emcee: Paul! Come on!
Paul Nevins: Fine! Who’s next?! I want to know!
Emcee: Alright. Well, Sixth place is Ben Gables!
Paul Nevins: Oh, Ben Gables! Now I get it! This is a joke! Ha ha ha! That’s HILARIOUS!!
[ reveal Ben ]
Ben Gables: [ deep-voiced ] Hey, I worked really HARD at this!
Emcee: Okay. Fifth place goes to Vincent Smith!
Paul Nevins: He’s dressed like Whoopi Goldstein!!
[ reveal Vincent ]
Vincent Smith: Oh, hush up, child!
Emcee: Alright, uh, Third place is a tie between Mark Leonard and Gabby Franklin!
[ reveal Mark and Gabby ]
Paul Nevins: THEM?!! Are you kidding me?!! I’ve taken FARTS that look more like Jennifer Aniston!! They’re not even wearing “Friends” T-shirts!!
Emcee: Hey, come on…
Gabby Franklin: Yeah, why would Jennifer Aniston wear a “Friends” t-shirt?
Mark Leonard: Yeah, it’s like the last thing she would ever wear.
Paul Nevins: Oh! WHY would she WEAR it?! Oh, I don’t know! Because she got it FREE at WORK?!! GOD!! Get a life, you dunce!!
Emcee: Okay, Paul? That’s enough, okay?
Paul Nevins: This competition is an entire sham!!
Emcee: Is there no Security here? Anybody?
Paul Nevins: I’M the Security!
Emcee: Oh, okay… that makes sense, then… Alright, well, in Second place, I have Diana Reynolds!
Paul Nevins: Oh, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Diana Reynolds?! THAT Diana Reynolds?!
[ reveal Diana smiling ]
Paul Nevins: Who did she promise NOT to blow to win Second place?!
Diana Reynolds: Hey!
Emcee: Come on…
Paul Nevins: Let’s see your famous IMPRESSON again, Diana!
Diana Reynolds: “Oh! Uh, oh! Uh… did you know that Ross and I used to, uh… uh… uh-uh… date? Oh! Oh…!”
Gabby Franklin: Yeah! I think it’s more like… [ parting her hair back ] “Oh! Okay! Yeah! Oh! Do you guys know Ross? He’s a good guy! Oh, oh! Hey!”
Mark Leonard: Uh, yeah, but maybe it’s more like… “Oh! Oh… uh… So you and Ross are, um… [ he flexes his arms ] Dating! [ he pulls his hair back ] Oh! Oh!”
Paul Nevins: Oh, my bad! I didn’t realize this was a Jabba the Hut competition! Also: Who the hell is ROSS?!!
Emcee: Okay. Come on, Paul! Come on!
Paul Nevins: Let’s just end this pathetic charade! Who’s the big winner? Come on, let’s hear it!
Emcee: Well, the WINNER… oof the Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition — Brought to you by SmartWater — Oh! And we actually have CO-CHAMPIONS! It’s RADLEY COOPER and TED PELMS!!
[ Radley and Ted appear onstage, as the audience applauds wildly ]
Paul Nevins: Why are people clapping?!! THESE two?!! Who did their make-up?! Helen Keller?!
Radley Cooper: Hey, hey, hey! You know something? You’re a real jerk! You know, you may look exactly like Jennifer Aniston…
Ted Pelms: [ missing his cue ] …On the outside! But on the INSIDE… you’re a total Helen Keller!
Radley Cooper: Yeah!
Ted Pelms: That’s why you got Eighth place!
Paul Nevins: [ thinking ] You know what? [ he looks at them ] You know what?
Radley Cooper: What?
Paul Nevins: You’re right. You’re right, Radley.
Radley Cooper: Yeah!
Paul Nevins: You’re right, Ted. I’ve been a monster here tonight. The truth is… This hasn’t been my day… my week… my month… or even my year.
Radley Cooper: I’ll be there for ya’.
Ted Pelms: And I’ll be there for you, too, because… in the immortal words of the “Friends” theme song: [ singing ] “Keep smiling…”
Radley Cooper: “Keep shining…”
Paul Nevins: “Knowing you can always count on me…”
Emcee: That’s not the “Friends” theme, guys.
Radley Cooper: It’s not?
Together: “That’s what friends are forrrrrrr!!!”
Emcee: That’s Dionne Warwick.
Together: “In good times…”
[ the other winners appear onstage ]
Everyone: “In bad times,
I’ll be on your side forevermorrrrre!!
That’s what friends are forrrrr!!!!!”
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 19
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:Guest Writer:
May 4th, 2013
Zach Galifianakis
Of Monsters and Men
None
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Bradley Cooper
Ed Helms
Jon Hamm
None
None Fox & Friends
Summary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) joke around with an oversized Big Gulp container while interviewing New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Michael Bloomberg.
Montage
Zach Galifianakis’s Monologue
Summary: Zach Galifiankis tells jokes, plays piano, then tries out a new character.
Transcript
Game of Game of Thrones
Summary: Nerdy “Game of Thrones” fan Duncan (Zach Galifianakis) is flustered when his quiz questions all revolve around real-world phenomena.
Match.com
Summary: Not only can you can find love and romance on Match.com, but you might even find it with Martha Stewart (Kate McKinnon)!
Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike CompetitionSummary: Seventh-place contestant Paul Nevins (Zach Galifianakis) is miffed that he didn’t take the crown because he’s convinced he looks the most like Jennifer Aniston.
Transcript
Of Monsters and Men perform “Little Talks”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on President Obama’s push for tighter gun control laws. Tech expert Randall Meeks (Fred Armisen) has nothing but high praise for the awkward usability of Google Glass. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) outlines her summer vacation plans.
Recurring Characters: James Carville, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.
M&M Store
Summary: After his first day on the job, Racist Jim (Zach Galifianakis) apologizes to all the co-workers he offended.
Transcript
Darrell’s HouseSummary: Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifiankis) attempts to welcoem Jon Hamm into his home, despite their differing schedules and frequent production cuts.
Transcript
Of Monsters and Men perform “Mountain Sound”
Michael Jordan’s Wedding
Summary: Leslie (Zach Galifianakis) and Lee Ocean (Jason Sudeikis) emcee Michael Jordan’s star-studded wedding party
Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.
New Balance
Summary:
Darrell’s HouseSummary: After applying hastily-assembled edits, it’s like Darrell Sparks (Zach Galifianakis) actually welcomed Jon Hamm into his home.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
KanishSummary: A retro presentation of a short-lived TV series that suffered from poorly-time freeze frames.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
Roundball Rock
Executive…..Kate McKinnon
Reggie…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Lavender…..Vince Vaughn
Secretary…..Aidy Bryant
John Tesh…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Tesh…..Tim Robinson
[ open on NBC Sports Office, 1990 ]
Executive: And then on Sunday, we’ve got the BUlls and the Trailblazers — it’s Jordan vs. Drexler.
Reggie: Ohhhh!
Mr. Lavender: Oh. that’ll be a GREAT match-up — two world-class athletes.
[ extended beat, as everyone waits for the Secretary to enter ]
Secretary: Uh… excuse me, Mr. Lavender. John Tesh is here.
Mr. Lavender: Oh, great! Send him in!
Secretary: Okay! [ she exits ]
Mr. Lavender: You guys know Tesh. This guy is AMAZING! You know, he wrote the theme to “Entertainment Tonight”.
John Tesh: [ entering ] KNOCK-KNOCK! Hello!
Mr. Lavender: There he is — Mr. Entertainment Tonight!
John Tesh: [ laughing ] How you guts doing? Hello, everyone! This is my brother right here — Dave Tesh!
Dave Tesh: Pleasure! Pleasure!
Mr. Lavender: I did not know that you had a brother!
John Tesh: Oh, yeah, I know. He’s not just my brother, he’s also the GENIUS in the family!
Dave Tesh: Meanwhile, I’m blushing!
[ the two Teshes laugh ]
Mr. Lavender: Well, John, when my boss told me that we need a new theme song for “The NBA On NBC”, I knew what time it was: Tesh-Thirty!
[ they all laugh ]
John Tesh: That’s very good! Okay, well, let’s see what we’ve got for you. We’ve written a song that we like to call “Roundball Rock”. Now, it started as one of David’s poems here, but then it just grew into something bigger than both of us could ever imagine. It’s me on keys… and Dave singing.
Mr. Lavender: Can you believe this is our job? Alright, fire away!
John Tesh: Alright, ready to do this?
Dave Tesh: Uh, yes, I am!
John Tesh: Alright!! 2, 3, 4! [ he bangs on the keyboard ]
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: WHOO!!
[ they high-five ]
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: YEAH!!
[ they high-five ]
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!
Gimme gimme, gimme the ball!
Because I’m gonna… DUNK IT!!”
John Tesh: DO IT!!
[ they high-five ]
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]
“Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball….!”
Mr. Lavender: Hold on, guys! Please stop!!
John Tesh: WHOO!! Alright, now THAT’S how you do it, baby!
Dave Tesh: That was JUST getting hot!
John Tesh: You are in SUCH good voice today, Buddy!
Dave Tesh: Thank you, Brother!
Mr. Lavender: Wow! I mean, that was great guys, but… You know what? I was wondering: Could we hear it again, but… you know, with the lyrics separated out?
John Tesh: Huh? Really?
Dave Tesh: Uh… okayyyy…
John Tesh: That’s weird! Uh — are you okay with that?
Dave Tesh: If… you are… I guess…?
John Tesh: Uh… yeah! Sure, we can do that. Alright, here we go. Uh… [ he clear his throat ] Alright — 2, 3, 4!
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!Gimme gimme, gimme the…”
[ the executives stop him ]
Executive: I’m sorry! [ she laughs ] I think we weren’t clear. We actually meant, could we hear it with just the music?
John Tesh: Oh. Uh… I defer to you, I…
Dave Tesh: Uh… my gut is “Nooooo.”
Mr. Lavender: I understand. You’re an artist, and I get that. But I think we’re just curious what it would sound like… without the lyrics.
John Tesh: [ stunned ] Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, it… it feels crazy… but, uhhh… sure, alright. 2, 3, 4! [ he half-heartedly runs his hands along the keyboard as the music plays ] I don’t know… it has no pop.
Dave Tesh: [ singing ]”Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba basketball!!”
Mr. Lavender: STOP!! Please! Please! Dave! I couldn’t help but notice that the singing came back in there!
Dave Tesh: I’m sorry, it just seems incomplete!
John Tesh: It is! It is! I mean, it’s a lyrics-first song! I mean, what’s the problem?
Executive: Well, the lyrics are a little repetitive.
Dave Tesh: Uhhh… basketball’s a little repetitive!
Reggie: I-I… I feel like we just prefer the song better without the lyrics.
Dave Tesh: Uhhh… okay! [ he scoffs ] Okay, but without the lyrics, how will people know it’s about basketball?
Executive: Well, we’ll be playing it over clips of basketball.
John Tesh: That’s not an answer.
Dave Tesh: What about… blind people?
John Tesh: Exactly!
Dave Tesh: They’re gonna be, like: [ waving his hands ] “Well, what the heck is this song about…?”
John Tesh: Come on! Our music is for ALL people!
Mr. Lavender: Okay, look… Teshes. I get it. I love your guys’ spirit. But here’s the situation: If we can buy the instrumental version, it’s a deal. If there are lyrics… it’s no deal.
[ Dave sighs heavily ]
John Tesh: Wow…
Dave Tesh: Wowwwwwww!!
John Tesh: Wow! Okay. Alright. Well, uh… You know what, then? NO DEAL!!
Dave Tesh: I cannot believe this!
John Tesh: YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE!! YOU GUYS STINK!! And this network is a DUMP! Hey, you know what?! In fact, I say we make it look MORE like a dump!! [ he grabs a vase and shatters it ] How about THAT?!! What do you think, Dave?
Dave Tesh: I am one step ahead of you, Brother! [ he whips out a tiny hammer ]
John Tesh: Mmm-hmm! HAMMER TIME!!
[ they use their tiny hammers to shatter vases and glass-framed photos around the office, as the executives watch with stunned horror ]
Dave Tesh: [ smashing Mr. Lavender’s coffee mug ] Yeah!! Thatta boy, Johnny!! Thatta boy!!
[ cut to John Tesh gleefully dousing a can of gasoline over his keyboard ]
Mr. Lavender: What are you doing?! What are you doing?!
Reggie: [ into it now ] That’s right!! Burn it down, Teshes!!
Mr. Lavender: No, Reggie!! Don’t encourage them!! Teshes, STOP!!
Dave Tesh: Johnny!! Johnny!! [ he swats the lighter out of John’s hand ] Snap out of it, boy!! [ he slaps him in the face ] Get with me!! Get with me!!
John Tesh: Oh, my God…!! What have we done?! We did it again…!
Dave Tesh: Yeah!
John Tesh: Ohhhhh, no!
Dave Tesh: Look — We did NOT want this to GO this way!
Mr. Lavender: Then why did you bring little hammers and a can of gasoline?
John Tesh: Because we thought it might go this way… Yeah.
Dave Tesh: You know what?
John Tesh: What?
Dave Tesh: You take this one alone, Johnny.
John Tesh: But what about you?
Dave Tesh: Don’t you worry about ME!! [ John plays a soft ballad on the keyboard ] This isn’t the last you’re gonna hear of ol’ Dave Tesh! Besides — I’ve got the BEST brother in the world!
John Tesh: [ he breathes deeply ] I love you, Dave!
Dave Tesh: And I love you, Brother!
[ they hug ]
Reggie: [ smiling ] Now, that’s what I call… a SLAM DUNK!
[ Reggie holds a thumbs-up, as “Roundball Rock” blasts and Mr. Lavender waves his hand in front of his face ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Announcer: This May on HBO: You loved Al Pacino as Dr. Kevorkian in “You Don’t Know Jack”.
[ cut to Pacino as Kevorkian in a courtroom setting ]
Dr. Jack Kevorkian: I didn’t kill NOBODY!! They WANTED To die!
Announcer: Then you loved him in ANOTHER bio-pic about ANOTHER convicted murderer: Phil Spector!
[ cut to Pacino as Spector in a courtroom setting ]
Phil Spector: These cats… are trying to SET! ME! UP!!
Announcer: Now: Get ready for a whole SERIES of bio-pics about accused murderers, ALL played by Al Pacino! Starting with Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber!
[ cut to Pacino as Kaczynski holding a bomb in his shack ]
Ted Kaczynski: Geez Louise! I gotta put, like, 30 steps on this thing! And I’m the crazy one?!
Announcer: Then: Watch him transform into tabloid sensation Amanda Knox!
[ cut to Pacino as Knox in a courtroom setting ]
Amanda Knox: I may be a SEX maniac… but I ain’t no murderer! [ he pats his hair down ] I’m a girl…
Announcer: Then: Pacino does DOUBLE-DUTY, playing BOTH Menendez Brothers! And he makes a VERY strong choice for the accent.
[ cut to Pacino as the Menendez Brothers in a courtroom setting ]
Menendez Brother #1: [ in a Scarface accent ] Hey, Bro! This trial is loco, man!
Menendez Brother #2: [ in a Scarface accent ] Dios mio! Dis is what dey mean by GRINGO JUSTICE!
[ they both turn to face the camera ]
Menendez Brother #2: TA-KEEL-AHHHHH!!! [ they tango ]
Announcer: It’s like you’re RIGHT there in the courtroom, along with — you guessed it — Captain Franscesco Schettino… that Italian ferry captain who drove a cruise ship onto the rocks.
[ cut to Pacino as Schettino being led out of the courtroom ]
Captain Franscesco Schettino: [ in thick Italian accent ] Now that’s a spicy BOAT TRAAAAPP!!
Announcer: Then: Watch him disappear into the role of Conrad Murray, the DOCTOR who KILLED Michael Jackson!
[ cut to Pacino as black-faced Murray in a courtroom setting ]
Dr. Conrad Murray: I didn’t kill NO ONE, mon! [ he looks off-camera ] Is this cool? I don’t know, is this cool? [ he turns to face the Black actor playing the judge ] Is this alright? [ the actor nods ] You cool with this? [ the judge shrugs his shoulder ] Alright, heyyyy! [ they fist-bump ]
Announcer: And with performances like THESE, Oscar is SURE take note! Oscar Pistorius, that is — who Pacino ALSO plays in his upcoming biopic ]
[ cut to Pacino as Pistorius in a courtroom setting ]
Oscar Pistorius: Say Hello… to my LITTLE LEGS!! [ he raises each prosthetic blade leg ] BOOM! BOOM!
Announcer: The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic Series!
Second Announcer: Paid for by the National Wig Alliance.
[ cut to Pacino in a Pippi Longstocking wig seated in the judge’s chair ]
Al Pacino: I order YOU… to see these movies!
[ his pigtails rise ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
A Message from the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Sen. Joe Manchin…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. Patrick Toomey…..Bill Hader
Announcer: [ over Presidential Seal ] And now, a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama at podium ]
President Barack Obama: Uh — Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. As you know… over the past few months… I have made gun control legislation… a top priority for my administration. Which is why I am so excited to annouce that, this week, the Senate voted 68 to 31… to begin debating… the IDEA… of discussing un control! Uh — uh — uh, let me say that again: They’ve agreed to THINK ABOUT… TALKING about gun control! Amazing! Nowwwww… with me tonight are Democratic Senator Manchin and Republican Senator Patrick Toomey.
[ the two senators appear next to Obama ]
Sen. Joe Manchin: They both worked very hard — TOGETHER! — to bang out a bipartisan agreement. These men risked EVERYTHING… for this bill. I mean, Senator Manchin represents West Virginia! And he’s proposing gun reform? He’s gonna lose a job! And Senator Toomey… This man is a Republican who is willing to make just the slightest compromise on gun control? He’s gonna lose a job, too! But that’s what it takes to achieve COMPROMISE! So… why don’t you tell the folks at home, uhhh, what you’ve accomplished?
Sen. Patrick Toomey: We — we’d rather not.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Ohhhh, no! Go ahead! Tell them!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Uh, well, uh — First of all, most Americans agree we need stricter background checks. If our bill passes, no individual can purchase a handgun from a private dealer without being asked: “Are you a good person?” As well as the follow-up question: “Seriously, are you?”
Sen. Joe Manchin: Uh, we’re also hoping to limit the amount of ammunition you can carry in magazines. Uhhh — we did not do that. No.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: But, uh — we HAVE to agreed to limit the number of guns you can shoot at once… to two.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Anyone caught shooting more guns at the same time, we prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. Unfortunately, the punishment os we give you a fourth gun.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know how that happened…
Sen. Joe Manchin: It was a compromise, I think… yes.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Also — We’re very proud of this — We were able to ban AK-47s from all coin-operated vending machines. And the Papa John’s promotion — Buy 2 medium pizzas, get a free gun — has been COMPLETELY outlawed!
Sen. Joe Manchin: Mmm-hmm. That’s right. Oh — except on weekends! And, uh, during the Super Bowl.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Of course, this might go without saying, but… none of these restrictions would apply to Florida. Uhhhh… we don’t know why.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It definitely should…
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: But they just don’t. I don’t know, it’s a weird…
Sen. Joe Manchin: It is weird!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s weird.
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, it’s weird! ‘Cause I know we typed, you know, Florida, into the bill, but when we printed it out, you know, I mean, it’s just not there!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s spooky!
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah!
Sen. Patrick Toomey: A spooky thing.
Sen. Joe Manchin: So, is this bill what we wanted? No. Is it what the NRA wanted? No. But does it at least help in some small way?
Sen. Patrick Toomey: No.
Sen. Joe Manchin: No. Probably not.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It doesn’t. We are confident that this bill will pass the Senate, and will then go to the House of Representatives where it will IMMEDIATELY get shot down.
Sen. Joe Manchin: That’s right. And that is not a metaphor. They will literally THROW the bill up in the air and SHOOT it with a gun! I’ve seen it done.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: Yeah!
Sen. Joe Manchin: C-Span gets a little rowdy sometimes.
Sen. Patrick Toomey: It’s a sight! So, in summary, uhhhh… [ he shrugs his shoulders ] You’re welcome?
Sen. Joe Manchin: Yeah, I guess…
Sen. Patrick Toomey: So we turn it back to you, Mr. President.
[ they step aside ]
Sen. Joe Manchin: You see? That’s what I’m up against, America. Plus: Jay-Z keeps rapping bout how I let him go to Cuba. I thought that guy was on my side? Allow me to re-intoduce myself: I’m the President! [ he shakes his arms and shoulders ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiighttttt!!!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
Vince Vaughn’s Monologue
…..Vince Vaughn
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Vince Vaughn!
Vince Vaughn: Yeah! Alright! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s great to be with you guys. This is my second time hosting the show. My first was a long time ago — It was 1998. But I do remember what I think is the MOST important lesson that I learned from that show, that the most important people that are here tonight — It’s not the cast… it’s not the writers… it’s not the crew… and, contrary to popular belief, it’s not even me. I know what you’re thinking — and I like it! — but the most important people here tonight… is the AUDIENCE! It’s YOU GUYS! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not sucking up to you caged animals — I love your energy! And that’s exactly what we’re gonna need tonight. Because the fact of the matter is — Where you guys go, the show goes. We FEED off your energy! You are the fuel for the rocketship which is “Saturday Night Live”.
So with that in mind, I want to make sure that we’re all on the same page… I’d like to step into the audience, kick the tires a little bit, and just make sure we’re all to the right start. Are we comfortable with that?
[ the audience cheers wildly, as Vaughn steps into the audience an approaches a young woman in the front row ]
Vince Vaughn: Please stand up, please. [ she stands ] This is live television, and you are an angel. You’re made of nothing but sugar and breakaway glass. Now, what is your name?
Paige: Paige.
Vince Vaughn: Paige! Paige, everybody. Now, Paige, uh — I find it to be a beautiful name and, might I add, that you’re also a beautiful lady.
Paige: Thank you very much!
Vince Vaughn: Now, how are you feeling this evening?
Paige: I’m feeling… very excited to be here.
Vince Vaughn: Well, I’m glad that Paige is feeling excited to be here. Paige, I’m gonna go ahead, and I’m just gonna put this out there: I like your face. I do. I like the energy that comes off it, and the kindness in your eyes, the experience that you have underneath those eyelids, and, uh… I’m gonna need that face to be here for me all night long. I want you to be my angel in the outfield.
Paige: I’m there!
Vince Vaughn: Okay, good. Now… what do I mean by that? It means I’m gonna need your focus. I’m gonna need your support. I’m gonna need your belief. And that doesn’t just go for me — It goes for Mr. Hader, for in this scene, for everyone on that stage. Can we count on you?
Paige: Absolutely!
Vince Vaughn: Now, Paige — If I look out in the audience… and you are daydreaming and you’ve lost your focus… you’re gonna put this tall drink of water into a tailspin. That’s a promise. It’s gonna be Meltdown City. I don’t want to put the pressure on you, or — or — or transport my anxiety on you, but I need a wonder tremor. Are you gonna be there for me?
Paige: Yes! Absolutely!
Vince Vaughn: I can count on that. And I dig you in a VERY serious way. And the last thing I want to say to you is: I’m gonna move on… but you’ve made your mark. Okay? You sit it down. You’re gold, you’re SOLID gold! [ she sits, as the audience applauds wildly ] Let’s see what else we’ve got. I like what’s happening so far! [ he approaches a young man ] Sir! Stand on up, please. [ he stands ] Let’s get the fellas involved. How are you?
Eric: Great. I… I’m very nervous!
Vince Vaughn: Well, I don’t want you to be! Because that’s what we have to get out of the way, right? We’re a team. We’re a tram on this thing. Now, what is your name?
Eric: Eric.
Vince Vaughn: Eric. That’s a fantastic name, so, right off the bat, you’re doing terrific. Now, here’s a question: Have you been drinking?
Eric: No.
Vince Vaughn: Okay.
Eric: But I plan to.
Vince Vaughn: You plan to? Like a fun night out, or like I just got the ankle bracelet off? What kind of drinking?
Eric: Uh… the ankle bracelet off.
Vince Vaughn: Got the ankle bracelet off. Let’s keep it together until then. Now, Eric, in knowing that, I have to ask you: Do your friends often ask you at events to turn off your cellphone?
Eric: No.
Vince Vaughn: They don’t? Okay, and why is that?
Eric: Uhhhhh… I don’t know.
Vince Vaughn: Because it’s probably off. Now, you’re scaring me. Let’s look. Pull it out. Well, now I want to see if they do want to talk to you. I want to turn that tape around. If we do one thing tonight — we’ll stay here all night, this’ll become a one-man show with you, Eric. Oh, yeah. We’ll get you naked in a bath tub, we’ll break down some walls. Can I see your phone, please? I want to make sure this is off. [ Eric hands his cellphone over ] Okay… it is off. That’s a good sign. Now — I want you to treat tonight like a live performance that you’re a part of. This is like a sporting event, where you want to, like, get a photo of the touchdown, so you can prove to your friends that you were there. These cameras are better at capturing what’s gonna happen on stage than this thing ever is. I’m not saying it’s a bad-quality phone — I don’t want a lawsuit — I’m just saying, these guys do a great at capturing things. And I also believe it’s better, sometimes, to take the memories with our hearts and with our minds. That’s not just for Eric — That’s for all you kids out there tonight. It’s okay to put down the phones and be a part of the memory. That lasts a lifetime as well. Eric, here’s what I’m gonna have to say to you: I don’t know if you’re capable of making good decisions. I’m gonna keep the phone for the show. I’m gonna give it back you — if you give the right energy, which I know you’re gonna do, so this is a foregone conclusion. This has already happened. Picture me — The show went great, and I’m handing you the phone. But that’s not happening now. I’m keeping the damn phone until the show is over, okay? You’re gonna get it back. If things go bad, I’m gonna text some people, I might break it. Sit down, I dig where you’re coming from. [ Eric sits ] Guys, let’s fill his cup with love– This is a man who deserves it. [ the audience cheers ] Paige, how you doing? Still my Number One. Still my NUmber One. I say: As Paige goes, the show goes. Yuo guys feel me on that? [ the audience cheers, as he aproaches an older man ] Alright, what’s your name?
Adrian: Adrian.
Vince Vaughn: Adrian, stand on up. [ he stands ] You look like a sailor and a gentleman. How are you, Adrian?
Adrian: Doing fine.
Vince Vaughn: Okay, Adrian’s doing fine. Now, Adrian, let me ask you a question: Are yuo excited to see the show?
Adrian: I couldn’t be more excited!
Vince Vaughn: That’s very nice to hear. Now, how long have you been waiting to get in?
Adrian: Three years.
Vince Vaughn: I — Are you being serious?
Adrian: Yeah.
Vince Vaughn: What’s been the process?
Adrian: It’s been e-mail after e-mail.
Vince Vaughn: Okay…
Adrian: Lots of pressure.
Vince Vaughn: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. We’ve gotta get this guy out of here. Ha ha ha? Ha ha ha? [ Bobby Moynihan appears ] Get him out of here, Bobby. Take him out of here. I’m serious. We’re not gonna deal with security, I’m gonna let Bobby do it. With a nice consolation — Give him a Drunk Uncle on the way out, make him feel good about it. That guy has a darkness about him. Theres a darkness inside that man, theres a scary energy in that man… there’s someone you’re gonna read about inside that man… Were not about that tonight! Now, even in the movie “Patton”, you had to shoot a couple mules — I’m not saying Adrian’s a mule, I’m not saying he’s not a mule. But you had to shoot them for the whole company to accomplish what they wanted to accomplish, right? [ he sighs heavily, then glances down at Paige ] There you are, baby! I gotta tell you: [ a beat ] I feel like you let me down, Paige. I feel like you’re supposed to protect me from the worst me… and here I fell apart, and this nice man, Adrian, I went and threw out and I feel AWFUL about it. Bobby, can you go ahead and bring Adrian back? [ Bobby returns with Adrian ] And get Paige out of the building — Get her the hell out of here! Get her out of here! She’s a DISEASE, Bobby, get her out of here! [ Bobby escorts Paige away ] Bring her back! Bring her back! Bring her back! [ Bobby returns with Paige ] Bring her back! And not because I should, Paige — Not because I should. Stand up here. We’re gonna have a little heart-to-heart before we start this. [ Paige stands ] I think the entire audience is bhind me when I say I should throw you out of here in that lovely dress. But — I’ve fallen in love with Paige in this short time… and I’m not capable of it. I don’t have the skills to navigate this relationship in a way that’s healthy for me. So, Paige, I’m gonna count on you. Hopefully, you’ve read some books and watched some shows, and you know how to put up some boundaries with a man. Is that true?
Paige: Absolutely!
Vince Vaughn: Okay. Then, I’m gonna count on you. Guys, let’s learn from this together. We went through something tough tonight. Paige, sit down. [ she sits ] Thank you for being my concubine. Adrian, Eric, all of you…
[ Vaughn returns to Home Base, as the audience cheers wildly ]
Vince Vaughn: No, no! No, no! That’s not what we’re about here. The applause don’t start yet, because you’re PART of the team. And that goes for everyone at home, too. Let’s get some focus tonight, guys. You don’t think we can feel it through the lens? Ha ha! Guess again. ‘Cause we can. Turn on your heartlights. Feed us the fuel for this plane to take off. And we’re gonna have a great show. I think we can light this thing up tonight! Am I right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] Guys, we have a great show! Yuo guys are a great audience! Miguel is here! We’ll be right back! Let’s ROCK this thing!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 17
Goodnights
…..Vince Vaughn
Vince Vaughn: Thank you, guys! As promised — [ he pulls out Eric’s cell phone ] Eric, you’re a gem. Here you go, thank you very much! [ he hands the cell phone back to Eric, then returns to Home Base ] Thank you very much to Miguel! Most importantly — Thanks to all of YOU GUYS, and to you at home! Thank you so much! Appreciate it! Good night! [ he blows a kiss ]