Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Live With Kelly & Michael

Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Strahan…..Jay Pharoah
Robert Pattinson…..Bill Hader

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan”!

[ dissolve to Kelly and Michael waving from their set ]

Kelly Ripa: [ overly chipper ] Good morning, everyone! Hiiiii!

Michael Strahan: [ stiff and serious ] It is such a NICE morning! It is just so, so GORGEOUS!

Kelly Ripa: It’s been two weeks, and I just have to say: I LOVE my new co-host Michael Strahan! You’re GREAT!! [ she smacks him on the arm ]

Michael Strahan: [ chuckling heartily ] I mean, I am SO happy to BE here! I just can’t believe this is a JOB! You know, I woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’ll be dead asleep again in 45 minutes! You know, it’s like I’m living the life of a rich bear!

Kelly Ripa: I never sleep! One time I shut my eyes for a second and accidentally slept for a year-and-a-half! That’s why I stopped blinking!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I LOVE this girl! Look how SMALL she is! I mean, we look like the poster for “Blind Side”!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Stop it!

Michael Strahan: So, Kelly, how was your weekend?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I took it easy — I shot TWO washer-dryer commercials, packed my kids’ school lunches for an entire school year, did 10,000 push-ups, and went to a gay raid with Anderson Cooper! How about you?

Michael Strahan: [ he shrugs ] Well… I mostly just sat around and busted through the elbows of all my sweaters!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, and don’t forget you and I hung out!

Michael Strahan: Oh, that’s right! I think we have a PICTURE!

[ reveal photo of giant Michael pointing to Kelly in a baby sling around his chest ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] That was so FUN! Although, you are suprisingly HEAVY!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! I may look small, but I am DENSE as a moon rock! You know, when Andy cohen and I went to the Dead Sea, I sank right to the bottom! [ she shrugs ]

Michael Strahan: I mean, she is the STRONGEST tiniest person I ever met! You know, I just want to put her between my TEETH and carry her HOME!

Kelly Ripa: Quick, Michael! Favorite TV show — on the count of three!

Together: “THE BACHELORETTE”!! [ they high-five one another ]

Michael Strahan: [ holding his hand ] Oh, my God, it’s like slapping a piece of SHEETROCK!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, so we have some headlines to talk about! [ she holds up a newspaper with headline: “Emmy Fever” ] The EMMYS are this Sunday, and I just have to say: I’m EXCITED! [she puts the newspaper down ]

Michael Strahan: [ he grimaces ] Wha… wait. Is that all you’re gonna say?

Kelly Ripa: Yes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Oh, my GOD! This job is so EASY!!

Kelly Ripa: I know! I know!

Michael Strahan: I can’t believe I got smashed in the head every day for FIFTEEN YEARS while THIS was a JOB!

Kelly Ripa: Right! Why did you do that? Alright, our first guest is the star of the “Twilight” franchise — please welcome Robert Pattinson!

[ Pattinson gloomily steps out and sits beside his hosts ]

Robert Pattinson: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. As you can tell, I’m pretty excited to be here.

Kelly Ripa: Robert, a lot of reports are circulating that you and Kristen Stewart are finally back together.

Robert Pattinson: I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about my movie — “Cosmopolis.”

Kelly Ripa: Oh, THAT reminds me: Later in the show, Bethany Frankel will be showing us som new Cosmo recipes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Cosmo? That’s AMAZING! At my last job, I had to wear a CUP!

Kelly Ripa: So, Robert… how are you handling all the media attention?

Robert Pattinson: Oh… some days, I’m like… [ he part his hair to one side ] Then other days, I’m like… [ he parts his hair back in the other direction ] And sometimes, I’m all… [ he bunches his hair up the middle ]

Kelly Ripa: You know, Robert… when I’m down in the dumps — which has happened twice — I hit the gym for soem light exercise. That’s how I got these! [ she lifts her shirt to reveal washboard abs ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I mean, look at us TOGETHER! We’re like that thing in the news when elephants and dogs are FRIENDS!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] That is so true! Oh! Robert! Where do you and Kristen see yourselves in… wait. Michael, what is he doing?

Michael Strahan: I don’t know. I think he’s brooding.

[ reveal Pattinson standing against the wall with a pouty face ]

Kelly Ripa: [ hyperventilating ] That is SEXY! Ladies, can you believe I get PAID to DO this?!

Michael Strahan: Hold, on, wait! We’re getting PAID, too?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Michael Strahan: This just keeps getting BETTER! I mean, yesterday Mario Batali made me pasta, and all I had to say was: “Yummmmmmm!!”

Kelly Ripa: When we come back, a musical performance by me and Michael’s favorite band…

Together: TRAIN!!!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I’m gonna get in my P.J.’s!

Kelly Ripa: And…

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Hypnotist

Comedian…..Bill Hader
Tommy Bergamont…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Curtis…..Taran Killam
Sharee…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman in Audience…..Aidy Bryant
Man in Audience…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Whiskey Pete’s, Las Vegas ]

[ dissolve to interior, stage show ]

Comedian: …Turns out the keys were in my pants the whole time! [ the audience laughs ] Alright, everybody — that’s my set. Next on the Burgundy Room… please welcome the very best hypnotist this side of the strip — Tommy Bergamont! Here he is, alright!

[ Comedian exits the stage, as dramatic music plays and the intense Tommy Bergamont steps out ]

Tommy Bergamont: Thank you. Good evening. I am Thomas Bergamont, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what you will see is GUARANTEED to amaze! Now, I’m going to need a victim — I mean, a volunteer. Who will it be?

Sharee: [ grabbing her husband ] Oh, him! Pick him!

Tommy Bergamont: YOU, Sir! The gentlemen avoiding my gaze! Help me get him up here, folks!

[ the crowd cheers Curtis up to the stage ]

Tommy Bergamont: What is your name, friend?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Curtis.

Tommy Bergamont: And, Curtis — is this your first time being hypnotized?

Curtis: [ nervously ] Yes, it is!

Tommy Bergamont: Feeling a little nervous with all these people watching you?

Curtis: [ he chuckles ] A little bit, but as my wife, Sharee, will attest… I’ve always been a bit of a ham!

[ in the audience, Sharee laughs and smiles to the others ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well, I’m going to take GOOD care of you, Curtis! Now, have a seat… [ Curtis sits ] and close your eyes. Curtis! Listen only to the sound of my voice. I am going to count backwards from 3… and by the time I reach 1, you will be in a deep trance. Listen to my voice: 3… 2… and 1! Sleep! Pow! [ Curtis hangs his head ] Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis… has been hypnotized!

[ suddenly, Curtis raises his head and smiles at the audience while mouthing, “I’m not hypnotized!” ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis, in a moment, I will snap my fingers! You will remember NOTHING of this conversation, but every time you hear the word… “BUFFET”… you will feel the overwhelming desire to act like a dinosaur, a big, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex! [ behind him, Curtis laughs ] Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he hangs his head ] Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Very good! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] Hello, Curtis!

Curtis: Hi.

Tommy Bergamont: Do you remember any of the conversation we just had?

Curtis: Did we… hav a conversation?

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, yes, we did! But it was nothing important! I was telling you how you should try… THE BUFFET!!

[ Curtis jumps to his feet and screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! Isn’t he TERRIFYING? I thought he was EXTINCT! [ Curtis bounds and screeches across the stage ] If you ask me… I’d prefer BARNEY! And… [ he snaps his finger ] SLEEP!! POW!! [ Curtis hangs his head ] And just like THAT, ladies and gentlemen… he’s back in a trance!

[ Curtis lifts his head, laughs and mouths, “No, I’m not!” to the audience, then lowers his head ]

Tommy Bergamont: What do you say we have some REAL fun, Curtis? From now on, when you hear the word… PAI-GOW… you will suddenly become very hot. Unbearably hot! So hot, that you will do ANYTHING to cool down! Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Wonderful! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] And how are you feeling, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Just fine.

Tommy Bergamont: Well… maybe you should try your luck… at the PAI GOW table!

[ Curtis gasps and quickly unbuttons his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: [ he winces ] You okay, Curtis?

Curtis: Yeah… it’s just… very hot… [ he grins sheepishly at the audience from behind his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! What are you doing?! I don’t think this is very appropriate!

[ Curtis drops his pants ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! where’s your MODESTY?!

Curtis: It’s so HOT!!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! BUFFET!

[ now only in his drawers, Curtis screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, no! Curtis the Dinosaur is back! And THID dinosaur… is looking for a MATE! Aren’t you, Curtis?

[ Curtis screeches, then sniffs his way through the audience ]

Woman in Audience: Oh… oh, please don’t touch me…

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, Curtis — did I forget to tell you… you’re a FEMALE dinosaur?

[ Curtis stops, grimaches, then screeches in the face of a man in the front row ]

Man in Audience: Don’t do it, dude!

Curtis: [ whispering ] I’m not really hypnotized!

Man in Audience: Well — then, shame on YOU!

Curtis: It’s okay!

[ Curtis proceeds to dry-hump the man in the audience ]

Man in Audience: [ horrified ] Hey, man!! This man is not really hypnotized!!

Tommy Bergamont: What’s that you say?

[ Curtis laughs, then returns to the stage ]

Curtis: I’m sorry! I’m not really hypnotized.

Tommy Bergamont: I promise you — you ARE hypnotized!

Curtis: Ask them! I was goofing!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! When I snap my fingers, you will reveal your DARKEST secret! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Curtis: [ head down, in a trance ] I’m cheating on my wife with her sister.

[ Curtis lifts his head, horrified. Tommy is pleased. Sharee is also horrified. ]

Curtis: Uh… no! No, no… Sheri! Uh — uh — he TOLD me to say that! I WAS hypnotized! That was part of the show!

Sharee: Well, Happy birthday to ME!!

[ Sharee runs off crying ]

Curtis: No! Sharee! [ to Tommy ] My God! You RUINED my life!! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! [ he kneels down and cries ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well… this is unfortunate. But, as you can see, I DID, in fact, hypnotize Curtis!

[ suddenly, Curtis lifts his head and laughs. Sharee steps over and joins him in the joke. ]

Tommy Bergamont: Hopefully, he can repair things with the Missus! But THAT… is the POWER of suggestion!

[ Tommy turns to see Curtis and Sharee laughing at him ]

[ cut to exterior, Whiskey Pete’s ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Goodnights

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! That’s our show! How about Mumford and Sons? Let’s hear it for them!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Private Eye

Private Eye Sam Flint…..Bill Hader
Mr. Morelli…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on Sam Flint’s office ]

Sam Flint: [ pouring a drink ] Nature’s Little Helper?

Mr. Morelli: Uh — if it’s alright with you, Mr. Flint, I’d rather just get on with it.

Sam Flint: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Morelli — Do you love your wife?

Mr. Morelli: Of course, I do!

Sam Flint: Go home, turn on the ball game, forget you were hired.

Mr. Morelli: No, if something’s going on with Lana, I HAVE to know!

Sam Flint: Alright. Well, it’s your dime. Mr. Morelli… your wife’s cheating on you.

[ music sting ]

Mr. Morelli: How do you know that?

Sam Flint: I’ve been tailing Lana for the last couple of weeks. I’m afraid I have some pretty incriminating pictures.

Mr. Morelli: [ devastated ] I knew it! So STUPID, Clarence! I put my trust in that woman! Alright… let me see the pictures.

Sam Flint: Mr. Morelli, once you see these, you can’t UNsee them.

Mr. Morelli: Are you a P.I., or what?! Now, show me the pictures!!

[ music sting ]

Sam Flint: Remember last week, when your wife was… [ he makes quotes-signs with his fingers ] “visiting her sister”? She lied to you. I followed her to the park. It turns out… she was up to something VERY different! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a woman playing tennis ] Did you know your wife plays TENNIS, Mr. Morelli?

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait… what?

Sam Flint: Do you know she plays it… [ holds up cartoon drawing of a man on a scooter ] with this man?!

Mr. Morelli: Those are cartoons.

Sam Flint: Not cartoons. CARICATURES!

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait, I don’t understand… did you draw these?

Sam Flint: Guilty as charged! [ he chuckles ] But not as guilty… [ he holds up cartoon drawing on woman and man on scooter together ] as THESE two lovebirds! I should have mentioned this earlier, but, if you see anything you like, these ARE for purchase!

Mr. Morelli: I’m not here to talk about these cartoons! I want to hear more about this guy you saw with my wife!!

Sam Flint: I know. His name is… [ he holds a hand-drawn nameplate ] Kevin. [ music sting ] It’s a little hard to make out, but… it’s safe to say the guy loves dolphins! [ he holds up a bottle ] I suppose you’ll want that drink now?

Mr. Morelli: I don’t want no damn drink!

Sam Flint: Well, when you do, it’s five bucks.

Mr. Morelli: You are the lousiest detective I’ve ever seen! You can’t even take a photograph? Instead, you’re showing me doodles of tennis and bike rides? That don’t PROVE she cheated on me!

Sam Flint: Uh… you’re right. It doesn’t. But… THIS does. [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of himself in bed with the couple ] That’s your wife, that’s Kevin, and that’s me.

Mr. Morelli: Wha… why would you do that?

Sam Flint: I had to see how far they would take it.

Mr. Morelli: You’re a MONSTER!!

Sam Flint: I’m not the monster! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a monster ] THAT’S a monster! [ proudly ] I call ihm “Feebles”! I’m trying to get a little Sunday strip. Tough racket! No one wants anything original these days.

Mr. Morelli: This is INSANITY!!

Sam Flint: It’s not insanity! It’s Little Armenia!

[ cut to exterior, Little Armenia neighborhood ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 22nd, 2012

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Mumford and Sons

None

None

None
Live With Kelly & MichaelSummary: Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) gabs with her new permanent morning bo-host Michael Strahan (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa.

Transcript

Montage

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is excited about his recent slate of movies, but is most stoked about Channing Tatum’s role in “Magic Mike” and performs his own version of the “It’s Raining Men” sequence.

Transcript

Low-Information Voters Of AmericaSummary: America’s undecided voters have an extensive collection of unreleated questions to ask about this year’s Presidential election.

Transcript

Tres EquisSummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) lives vicariously in his father’s shadow.

Transcript

Private EyeSummary: Private eye Sam Flint (Bill Hader) has tailed his Mr. Morelli’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) cheating wife, but only has hand-drawn caricatures to prove it.

Transcript

Tres Equis IISummary: Son of the world’s most interesting man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) gets into a heated argument with his absentee father (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

HypnotistSummary: Curtis (Taran Killam) humors hypnotist Tommy Bergamont (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) into believing he’s put him under a deep, suggestive trance.

Transcript

G.O.B. TamponsSummary: The new tampon designed by members of the Republican Party.

Mumford and Sons perform “I Will Wait”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “What Are You Thinking?” after President Barack Obama makes an unnecessary verbal gaffe. Bashar al-Assad’s best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) whisper about him behind his back. Anne Romney (Kate McKinnon) insists that she and Mitt are more connected to the average American than the celebrity-friendly Barack and Michelle Obama. ESPN anchor Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) name-drops athletes he’s only vaguely connected to.

Recurring Characters: Anne Romney, Bill Perry.

LondonSummary: Bar buddies sing along to Hey Dude’s! (Mumford and Sons) cover version of “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” and reminisce about odd times on the eve of Chris’ (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Transcript

The Finer ThingsSummary: Hosts Swade (Kenan Thompson) and Fort Knox (Jay Pharoah) discuss fine things like handbags and long-stemmed wine glasses with Jake Thriller (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Teddy Graham (Bobby Moynihan).

Mumford and Sons perform “Below My Feet”

Our DaughterSummary: Mr. McKeon (Fred Armisen) sets up co-worker Tom (Tim Robinson) with his daughter Evelyn (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and introduces her awkwardly via an elaborate vocal performance.

Powers RealtySummary: Burt (Tim Robinson) and Blair (Nasim Pedrad) speak out against the pranksters who are drawing balls and weiners all over their open-mouthed bust stop advertisements.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts