Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Merryville Trolley Ride

Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Girl…..Kristen Wiig
Robots…..Jim Carrey, Taran Killam, Bill Hader
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Girl: Yay! The Merry-Go-Trolley ride! Honey, I haven’t been on this in forever!

Guy: [ chuckling ] Yeah, your sister told me it was your favorite.

Girl: [ pointing ] Oh, look! Here come the Merry-Go-Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with a guitar and tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Girl: Oh, my God! Aren’t they great!

Guy: I don’t know… they actually creeped me out a little bit.

Girl: Ohhh! They’re not creepy, they’re cute!

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Guy: Wha — what was that?

Girl: Hmm… I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. It’s a little issue with the track. Uh, we should be up and running in no time.

[ he exits ]

Guy: You better be quick!

Girl: [ playfully ] Don’t say that!

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the third robot rises to bang a triangle, then they all slowly turns their gazes toward the guy ]

Guy: [ uneasy ] Why — why aren’t they going away?

Girl: What?

Guy: [ freaking out ] Did you see him WINK at me?!

[ the robots lower back behind the wall ]

Girl: Honey! [ the ride kicks into gear ] There! That’s so cute!

Guy: Oh. Well, at least we’re moving.

[ the ride shorts out again ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the guy as he freaks out ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day –!”

[ the robots short out and lock into position ]

Guy: [ sweating ] Well — why’d they stop?!

Girl: Oh… nothing. [ she smiles ]

Guy: [ sobbing ] I — I think it’s coming for me!

[ the second robot reaches forward to brush his hand against the guy’s cheek ]

Guy: [ he screams ] IT CAN REACH MY FACE!!

[ the robots kicks back into gear ]

Jingle: “– that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the third robot rises headless to bang a triangle ]

Guy: Oh, oh…! Get me out of this car!!

Girl: Honey, will you calm down?

[ the robots finally lower back behind the wall ]

[ the Repairman returns ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. This is a real mess! You know, everyone’s gonna get a FULL refund. The bad news is: We have to evacuate the ride, but I can take one of you at a time. So, Miss, come with me?

Girl: Oh! Okay. Alright. Well, I’ll be outside, honey.

Guy: WAIT!! Wait! Take MEEEEE!!!

[ she follows the Repairman away from the car ]

Guy: Don’t just leave me here!

[ suddenly, the two robots rise again, this time wielding machetes ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the robots climb over the wall and advance upon the guy and put him in a chokehold ]

Guy: HEYYY!!! THEY GOT KNIVES!!! Actually… that’s a MACHETE!! NO!! NO!!

[ the robots begin to push the guy’s car forward, as the third robot rises with his head in place ]

Guy: Hey, that’s ME!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n Tasty

Grady Wilson…..Kenan Thompson
Leelicious…..Jim Carrey

Grady Wilson: Well, hello! Let me ask you a personal question. How’s your love life? A little stale? Well I’m Grady Wilson here to say that variety makes everything most spicy. You and your spouse wouldn’t have the same meal every day for dinner. So why do the same thing over and over in the bedroom? Get the full spectrum with this DVD, “Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n Tasty.” I’ve been all over the world exploring new sexual techniques for your marriage. I’m ready to share them with you!

With moves like “The Ben & Jerry’s.”

(cut to Grady demonstrating in his garage)

Grady Wilson: Now you wanna walk up to the counter, pick yourself out a flavor, and then just scoop it out, (he thrusts) scoop it out, oh, that’s good. Scoop it out!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Mission Impossible.”

Grady Wilson: Don’t touch the floor, now! Don’t touch it! Ahhhh!!!!! Alert! We-ooo-we-ooo-we-oo! Lock it down!

Grady Wilson V/O: And “The Slumdog Millionaire.”

Grady Wilson: Ji ho! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ji ho! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

(cut back to Grady hosting the infomercial)

Grady Wilson,/b>: Mmm! Tasty! You’re asking how did I learn all of these moves? Well it came from a special friend. Come on in here. This is Leelicious!

Leelicious: Nom-ous-a!

Grady Wilson: It is nasty! Lee is an erotic sholmen. We met at the Baltimore Podiatry Institute when we both audited in a class in ladies foot care. Lee has been to India three times.

Leelicious: Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo whoo! Mishanicosros.

Grady Wilson: And he can show you some of the freakiest eastern techniques ever! Things like…

(cut to Grady and Leelicious demonstrating in his garage)

Leelicious V/O: “The Oil Rig.”

Leelicious: Now for this one we go just off the coast. And put our driblet down. Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Lot of fun, but, if it bursts you’re going to need a lot of clean up.

Leelicious V/O: “The Market Fluxuation.”

Leelicious: Stocks are rising and then they plunge. Stocks are rising and then they plunge. You think you’re safe and then you’re screwed. And over and over and over and over!

Leelicious V/O: “The Sneaky Baboon.”

Leelicious: Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Do pop in for a kwiki and then hoo hoo hoo hoo! And you’re back in the trees!

Grady Wilson: Woo! Now that’s taking the bootie to exotic places! There’s even techniques for groups.

Grady Wilson V/O: Like the “Two Lumberjacks.”

Grady Wilson: Okay, now for this one you wanna put your partner in the middle grab hands and then use yourself. Cut right through that! Cut it down! Is your tree down yet?

Leelicious: No!!!!

Grady Wilson: Is the tree down yet?

Leelicious: Almost!!!!

Grady Wilson: Aww!!! There she goes!!

Grady/LeeTimber!!!!!!!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Endless Clown Car.”

Grady/Lee: Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee!

Leelicious: So many clowns!

Grady/Lee: Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Elliptical Machine.”

Grady Wilson: Alright now for this one someone has to be the elliptical. You put your partner in the middle, climb on and grab the legs and just climb the heat climb the heat now you’re getting to cross country!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Wrath of Ganesh.”

Grady Wilson: Oh! You have anger, Ganesh?

Leelicious: Now you will get the truck.

(return to Grady and Leelicious hosting the infomercial)

Grady Wilson: Hahaha! Now, that’s tantric tastic! Call today for Grady Wilson’s “Tantric ‘n Tasty.” And stimulate your stockman’s today. O!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Goodnights

…..Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey: Thank you! Thank you, Black Keys! Thank you, wonderful cast! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! Thank you for all my friends who are here, I love you all! You are my favorite, I love it! Hey! Never lose your boing!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

A Message from the Mayor of New York City

Mike Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: The following is a message from a New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg.

Mike Bloomberg: Hello! I’m Michael Bloomberg. Two weeks ago tomorrow, on December 26th, New York City was hit by what would be forever known as the Great Blizzard of 2010. The snow began to fall and by the time it stopped the next day, it was snow everywhere! On the streets. On the ground. In the trees. Even on those big rocks or whatever in Central Park. It was so deep, some city residents said they couldn’t even see the sidewalk in front of their apartment, until the building super shoveled it. It was, in short, a catastrophe. It brought this city to a complete standstill. Today, as we continue to dig ourselves out from this horror, many New Yorkers are left stunned, bewildered, and overcome with feelings of despair and hopelessness. Above all, we have questions:

1. Where does snow come from?

2. Is it dangerous?

3. Will the snow stay forever?

4. How do I get snow off my car?

5. And, what happens if snow touches suede?

Rest assured, my office is working to find answers to these questions. And many help professionals are standing by for those who find themselves overwhelmed by the enormity of this event. In the meantime, we continue to urge all of New Yorkers, as we have throughout this crisis, not to leave your apartments. Unless it’s absolutely essential. Don’t even look out your windows. If you run out of food, please don’t try to run out and get some. Don’t be a hero. Simply call a restaurant that delivers, and the Mexicans will bring you food.

Now the big question: What are we doing about removing the snow?

Tonight, I am pleased to report that, even as we speak, thousands of city sanitation workers are out on the plows. They’re not plowing yet. Right now, they’re playing cards. That’s in their contract. After they’re done playing cards, they’ll look at internet porn for an hour or so. Then stop for lunch. After that comes a two-hour break. Then we’ll send them home early. Also in their contract. But they’ll be back at noon when overtime kicks in. And do some snow renewal for about an hour. Followed by a 90-minute stoppage to protest department layoffs. After that, they’ll be extremely intoxicated. So our attorneys have advised us just to send them home early with pay rather than risk liability. On a related note, I am pleased to report 16th St., between 6th and 7th avenues, is now completely clear of snow. That’s because of a gas explosion and fire caused by one of our city snow plows hitting a propane truck. And let me assure you, the driver in question, who wasn’t intoxicated, will not be at the wheel again. He has been promoted to supervisor.

Before concluding, I wanna take a moment to thank every New Yorker for the astonishing courage and resolve you have displayed throughout this whole ordeal. And also to remind you that no natural disaster, even one as devastating as this, is ever an excuse for domestic violence. Or for smoking. At some point, we will overcome this crisis. However long it takes, however much it costs, I promise you, we will clear New York City of snow. And then, God willing, we can start on Queens.

Thank you, AND “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 8th, 2011

Jim Carrey

The Black Keys

None

None

None

A Message from the Mayor of New York CitySummary: New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) addresses contingency plan for the recent once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm that hit the city.

Transcript

Montage

Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Jim Carrey is thrilled to start the final year before the 2012 apocalypse, then tries to talk an audience member into marrying him before it’s too late.

Transcript

Bosley Hair RestorationSummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Black SwanSummary: Nina (Nasim Pedrad) wants to play the lead in “The Black SWan”, but the director (Bill Hader) reveals that she has stiff competition from Lily (Jim Carrey).

Transcript

Finding Your PowerSummary: Although a panel of guests (Andy Samberg, Vanessa Bayer, Jim Carrey) swear to having taken an assertive stand against their enemies, hidden camera footage proves otherwise.

Transcript

Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n TastySummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques from around the world with the aid of randy Lee Licious (Jim Carrey).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

Transcript

The Worst of Soul TrainSummary: A highlight compendium of some of the worst acts to perform on “Soul Train”.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Howlin’ For You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig) passes the gavel to new House Speaker John Boehner (Bill Hader) and enjoys conjuring up patriotic images to make him cry. Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delivers more erronous secondhand news. Following a report of dead birds falling from the sky, Cameron the Red-Winged Blackbird (Andy Samberg) warns of the Aflockalypse, as Everett the Fish (Taran Killam) warns of the Apocafish.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner.

Merryville Trolley RideSummary: When the trolley ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Kenan Thompson) is freaked out by the animatronic robots (Jim Carrey, Taran Killam) who seem to be stealthily stalking him.

Transcript

PsychicSummary: Now working as a psychic, former 80’s comic impressionist (Jim Carrey) can only conjure up the “spirits” of celebrities whose impressions he is able to perform.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Tighten Up”

A Taste of New YorkSummary: Junkie-strewn Marriott Hotel house band (Fred Armisen, Jim Carrey, Kristen Wiig) ignores requests to perform upbeat songs about New York.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ExtenzeSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) plugs the penis enhancement pill that doesn’t work for him.

Playboy MansionSummary: Playboy bunny (Abby Elliott) sings “Then He Kissed Me” after receiving marriage proposal from Hugh Hefner (Jim Carrey).

Game Time with Randy and GregSummary: Randy Dukes (Kenan Thompson) insists that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien, even as he ,ates with another alien (Jim Carrey).

Recurring Characters: Randy Dukes, Greg, Brett Favre.Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) plugs the penis enhancement pill that doesn’t work for him.

Sky DiversSummary: Sky diving instructor (Jim Carrey) tries to steal fellow jumper’s (Bill Hader) girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad) in mid-air.

Retirement PartySummary: Madness ensues when speeches are made at a business executive’s (Fred Armisen) retirement party.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Julian Assange

Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg.

[ dissolve to Mark Zuckerberg seated in profile at his computer ]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. I’m Mark Zuckerberg. On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. While this a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook’s social network —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in his home ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’m o-o-o-o-outtt! [ he sips his brandy ] As you may have heard, I was released from a British prison on bail, Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as Person of the Year. [ mockingly ] Time Magazine. Always on the cutting edge. Discovering Facebook only weeks after your grandmother!

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Ah! What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? Let’s take a look: I give you private information on corporations for free… and I’m a villain; Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations FOR money… and he’s Man of the Year.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows… and then lie to those who elect them; Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which “Sex and the City” character you are. I’m a Samantha. But, if the Swedish police ask — I’m a Charlotte.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg interesting, they had to make stuff up; In order to make a movie about me — just rated “R” — they’ll have to leave stuff out.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Perhaps, in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because… he was the more dynamic choice. Let’s check back in with him.

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to Mark Zuckerberg ]

Mark Zuckerberg: — And I think we can ALL agree… that’s an algorithm for FUN! [ he laughs like a dork ]

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to the image of Julian Assange shaking his head ]

Julian Assange: In conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die — even if there’s a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes — it was murder. [ he grins ] And here’s a status update: Democracy is dead. Happy Holidaaaayyys!!

[ he sips his brandy as the picture turns snowy again and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Tunstall General Store

Corvis….Jeff Bridges
Wrapping lady….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Shipley….Bill Hader
Scootch….Bobby Moynihan
Ms. Dawkins….Vanessa Bayer
Common James….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with an Old West store. A pretty young lady approaches the counter]

Ms. Dawkins: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Hi, Ms. Dawkins. I got that sterling silver comb you wanted for your mama for Christmas.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, goody. She’ll love it.

Mr. Shipley: All right. That’s gonna be 22 cents. Now, do you want that gift wrapped?

Ms. Dawkins: Gift wrapped? What’s that?

Mr. Shipley: Little service I’m trying out for the holidays. My cousin and her special friend thought it up. Save yourself time to wrap it at home. You’ll be their first customer.

[Ms. Dawkins goes to a table with Corvis, a flamboyant gay cowboy and his assistant wrapping lady]

Ms. Dawkins: I’ll reckon that sounds all right. So, I give this to you?

[gives comb to the wrapping lady]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Oh, wow!

Corvis: Fancy comb!

Wrapping Lady: Neat comb!

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: So neat!

Corvis: This is over the top neat! If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Corvis!

Corvis: What?!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, come on. Get to wrapping.

Ms. Dawkins: Oh, you know what? I’m in a hurry. Maybe I should get.

Corvis: Don’t get without this.

[gives the comb all wrapped up in pretty designs, shiny paper]

Ms. Dawkins: It’s awfully flashy. I don’t know what to say.

Corvis: You don’t have to say anything. Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Corvis: Bye. Thank you.

Wrapping Lady: Bye, thank you, bye.

[Ms. Dawkins leaves]

Wrapping Lady: Oh, she was great.

Corvis: Her outfit could’ve used a bout of color.

[A good old boy cowboy enters the store]

Scootch: Howdy, Mr. Shipley.

Mr. Shipley: Howdy, Scootch. What can I do you for?

Scootch: I got to get me a Christmas present for my wife.

Mr. Shipley: How about this padded milking stool? My last one.[gives Scootch the milking stool]

Scootch: Ha,ha. Well, what would they think of next? I’ll take it.

[Corvis and the wrapping lady look for attention]

Corvis and Wrapping Lady: Ahem! Ahem!

Mr. Shipley: Would you like that gift wrapped?

Scootch: Well, I do not know what that means.

Mr. Shipley: Just take it over there.

[Scootch goes to the wrapping table]

Wrapping Lady: Oooh!!! A milking stool! I smell romance!

Corvis: If I got this for Christmas I’d shoot stuff out of my fanny!

Wrapping Lady: Stop.

Corvis: I really think I would.

Scootch: Well, its getting dark and I’m gonna have to get. You see, my horse is sick…

Wrapping Lady: Here you go!

[Milking stool is inside a big, shiny, flashy box with bows]

Scootch: I’m at a loss for words!

Corvis: Who needs words? Just make your face go like this.[silly O face]

Wrapping Lady: Or like this. [sillier face]

Scootch: I can’t walk down the street carrying this! I will get shot!

Wrapping Lady: [snippy] How about “thank you”?

Corvis: You are rude.

Scootch: Well, I guess I’ll just have to hope for the best.

[Scootch leaves the store with the shiny box. 4 to 5 gunshots ring out]

[BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!]

Mr. Shipley: [looks out the window] He got shot! Good job you two. This whole gift wrapping thing ain’t really panning out.

[A desperate bandido cowboy enters the store, guns blazing up into the ceiling]

Common James: Whooooo!! Whooo!!![BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] That’s right! I’m Common James! Now give me all your money unless you want to end up like that fella I just shot outside!

Mr. Shipley: He was getting a Christmas present for his wife!

Common James: I don’t care about Christmas! No one ever gave nothing to me!

Wrapping Lady: We got to do something!

Corvis: I got an idea. Hey! Can we talk to you over here in the gift wrapping department?

Common James: What department? Where? You best just shut your trap while he fills up them bags over there!

Corvis: Hey, you! We’ve had about enough of this. [reaches for Common’s gun]

Common James: What the…?

Mr. Shipley:[scared] Oh, we’re gonna get it! Get it good! Oh, no!

[Common James’s gun is gift wrapped in shiny, flashy paper]

Common James: Oh, my God! This is the first gift I’ve ever done got given to me inside my hands here! Its so beautiful. [cries] This entire meaning of Christmas flashed before me. Thank you weirdoes! [leaves the store]

Wrapping Lady: You did it, Corvis!

Corvis: Now that is the magic of Christmas!

Wrapping Lady: Oh, I think I love you Corvis.

Corvis: You know that’s not happening.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Akiva Schaffer
…..Akon
…..Blake Lively
…..Jessica alba
…..John McEnroe

[Open to Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and Akon standing on a stage]

(singing)

Andy Samberg: Sometimes, something beautiful happens in this world…

Akon: Akon!

Andy Samberg: And you don’t know how to express yourself, so…

Akon: And Lonely Island!

Andy Samberg: You just gotta sing.

Akon: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I just had sex and I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.

Andy Samberg: Have you ever had sex? I have; it felt great. It felt so good when I did it with my pen*s. A girl let me do it. It literally just happened.

[Show Blake Lively covering up after sex with Andy Samburg]

Andy Samberg: Having sex can make a nice man of the meanest.

[Cut to “before” and “after” sex pictures of John McEnroe]

Jorma Taccone: Guess where I just came from. I had sex. If I had to describe the feeling, it was the best.

[Jorma gives a thumbs up as Jessica Alba gives a thumbs down]

Jorma Taccone: When I had the sex, man my pen*s felt great and I called my parents right after I was done.

[Show Jorma hugging his parents]

[Samberg comes out of a restroom]

Andy Samberg: Oh hey, didn’t see you there. Guess what I just did. Had sex undressed, saw my poopies and the rest.

Jorma Taccone: Was sure nice of her to let you do that thing.

Andy Samberg: Nice of any girl ever. Now sing.

Akon: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I wanna tell the world…

Andy Samberg: To be honest, I’m surprised she even wanted me to do it.

Jorma Taccone: Doesn’t really make sense, but man screw it. I’m not really one to argue with a good thing.

Andy Samberg: She could be my wife.

Jorma Taccone: That good?

Andy Samberg: The best thirty seconds of my life.

Jorma Taccone: I’m so open to a girl’s ability to let me do her.

Andy Samberg: ‘Cause honestly I’d have sex with a pile of manure.

[Show Andy Samberg in bed with a pile of manure]

Andy Samberg: With that in mind I know the smell of a girl’s better.

Jorma Taccone: ‘Cause she let me wear my chain and my turtleneck sweater.

[Jessica Alba is weirded out by Jorma in his Blue Turtleneck and chain.]

Akon: So this one’s dedicated to them girls that let us f*ck around on top of them. If you’re near or far, whether short or tall, we wanna thank you all for lettin’ us f*ck you.

Jorma Taccone: She kept looking at her watch.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Andy Samberg: But I cried the whole time.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Jorma Taccone: I think she might have been a racist.

Akon: Doesn’t matter, you had sex.

Andy Samberg: She put a bag on my head.

Akon: Still counts! I just had sex and my dreams came true. If you had sex in the last thirty minutes then you’re qualified to sing with me.

People from all over the world: I just had sex and it felt so good. I wanna let me put my pen*s inside of her. I just had sex and I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.

[Fireworks]

Submitted By: Adam Rap

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Jeff Bridges’ Monologue

…..Jeff Bridges
Cookie Monster…..David Rudman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jeff Bridges!

Jeff Bridges: It’s great to be here! You know, the last time I hosted this show was in 1983. Can you believe that? I guess I did a pretty good job, considering how fast they had me back!

Mostly I’ve been making movies for the last 27 years. And I’ve been bless to play a lot of amazing roles in some great films. But, of all those roles, the one I get recognized for the most is “The Dude”. But I got to say, it’s king of a bummer man ’cause, you know, that not me, right? Because “The Dude”, he’s a character, right? And I’m… I’m Jeff Bridges. A real person! Yeah? For instance, “The Dude”, he has uh… he has trouble expressing himself, right? And I … I don’t!

So yeah! I’m back, I’m excited, and I’m even more excited that it’s Christmas, and Christmas, it’s about giving, it’s about friends, right? And I’ve got a really dear friend who always wanted to be on this show, and I thought it would be really nice if we made his Christmas wish come true. Some come on out buddy. Come on out.

(Cookie monster appears next to Jeff)

Cookie Monster: Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum! Hey! Hi!

Jeff Bridges: It’s the cookie monster!

Cookie Monster: Hey, What’s up, “The Dude”!

Jeff Bridges: Come on! I’m not “The Dude”!

Cookie Monster: Me joking! Me joking!

Jeff Bridges: Nah, he’s always bustin’ my chops. Hey, Cookie! You want to do a tune?

Cookie Monster: Oh, me would love that!

(Jeff Bridges gets a guitar, Cookie Monster gets his harmonica, they start playing “Silver Bells”, and sing at the same time)

Jeff Bridges: City Sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style.

Cookie Monster: (Spoken) yeah.

Jeff Bridges: (sung) in the air there’s a feeling of Christmas.

Cookie Monster: (spoken) very nice.

Jeff Bridges: (sung) Children laughing,

Cookie Monster: (sung) People passing,

Both: Meeting smile after smile
And on every street corner, you hear:

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Both: It’s Christmas time in the city

Jeff Bridges: Ring-a-ling

Cookie Monster: Ring-a-ling

Jeff Bridges: Hear them ring

Cookie Monster: Hear them ring

Both: Soon it will be Christmas day!

(music continues playing)

Jeff Bridges: (Spoken) So Cook,

Cookie Monster: (Spoken) Yeah?

Jeff Bridges: What do you want for Christmas, man?

Cookie Monster: An iPad!

Jeff Bridges: Really!?

Cookie Monster: No me kidding! A COOKIE!

Jeff Bridges: (sung) Streets of streetlights, even stoplights, blink bright red and green

Both: (sung) As the shoppers run home with their treasure

Jeff Bridges: Hear the snowcones

Cookie Monster: See the kids’ bunch

Both: This is Santa’s big scene
And above all the bustle you’ll hear:

Cookie Monster: (spoken) What?

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: BOINGBOINGBOINGBOINGBOING!

Jeff Bridges: Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: BONGBONGBONGBONGBONG!

Both: (sung) It’s Christmas time in the city

Jeff Bridges: Ring-a-ling

Cookie Monster: A-Ring-A-Ring-A-r=Ring-A-Ring-A-Ring!

Jeff Bridges: (with Chorus) Hear them ring

Cookie Monster: Ring-a-ding-ding!

Both: (with Chorus) Soon it will be Christmas day!

Jeff Bridges:(without Chorus) Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Jeff Bridges: (with Chorus) Silver Bells

Cookie Monster: Silver Bells

Both: (Without Chorus) Soon it will be Christmas Day!

(end of song)

Jeff Bridges: (spoken) Hey Cookie!

Cookie Monster: (spoken) what?

Jeff Bridges: I got a present for you man.

Cookie Monster: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy a present! Oh boy oh boy oh…

Jeff Bridges: (he presents one half of a chocolate chip cookie taken out of his back pocket, Cookie monster gasps as he sees it) What do you think huh? Not only half, but a whole cookie!

(He gives both pieces to Cookie Monster)

Cookie Monster: Twice as good! Cookie! (He eats the cookie. Jeff Laughs.)

Jeff Bridges: We got a great show for you tonight! Eminem and Lil’ Wayne are here!

Cookie Monster: Me love Eminem!

Jeff Bridges: Oh well! You’re in luck! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Raffi

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Goodnights

…..Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges: Thanks to Eminem, Lil Wayne, Cookie Monster! Rest in Peace, Captain Beefheart! Happy Birthday, Brandon! Here comes a great day! Lorne and the “Saturday Night Live” crew and cast, thanks for making — [ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts