Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Visiting the Queen

Prince William…..Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth…..Fred Armisen
Prince Philip…..Bill Hader
Kate Middleton…..Anne Hathaway
Servant…..Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ]

[ dissolve to interior, Queen’s parlor ]

Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.

Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.

Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.

Kate Middleton: It’s a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.

Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes…

Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.

Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.

Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and I’m honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.

[ Servant enters ]

Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.

Prince William: Ah well, I’ll only be a moment; do chat until I return.

[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, it’s all so brilliant and exciting!

Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!

Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?

Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]

Prince Philip: What do you want?

Kate Middleton: I’m sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?

Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, you’ve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?

Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?

Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?

Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?

Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, don’t it?

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I don’t want a piece of your action, I want to marry William

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.

Prince Philip: I’m not talking about about salad forks, love. This ain’t “The Princess Diaries.”

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, ‘cause that movie’s crap, ain’t it?

Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but… what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?

Queen Elizabeth: A’ight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, don’t go asking questions like “Where d’you get this vase?” or “Where that throne from?”

Prince Philip: ‘Cause chances are we nicked it.

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.

Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.

[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?

Prince Philip: Piss off!

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.

[ Servant exits ]

Queen Elizabeth: It’s not bad, is it?

Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to… piss off?

Queen Elizabeth: ‘Cause we do whatever the hell we want!

Prince Philip: Yeah!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Prince William: I’m back.

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time I’d ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we we’re just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.

Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! I’ll be back!

Kate Middleton: Don’t…

[ Prince William exits ]

Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isn’t he? He used to be better-looking, but still.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties…

Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.

Kate Middleton: Alright… Debra…

Queen Elizabeth: Well, it’s a clever girl, that’s good.

Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when you’re out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.

Kate Middleton: Oh my God, that’s horrible!

Queen Elizabeth: Well we’re horrible people, aren’t we?

Kate Middleton: Where’s William? Where’s William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!

Queen Elizabeth: No no, you can’t get away from me ‘cause I’m on the money, ain’t I? I’m on the money, I’m in your wallet. I’m in your wallet…

Kate Middleton: William!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.

Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Let’s go my love.

Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.

Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.

Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes… Goodbye Debra!

[ Prince William and Kate exit ]

Queen Elizabeth: I’ll bet I’ll kick your arse, you git!

[ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Penelope

Mary…..Anne Hathaway
Lisa…..Nasim Pedrad
Lou…..Kenan Thompson
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Homeless Man…..Bobby Moynihan
Pastor Mike…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Lutheran Church: sign advertises “FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER” ]

[ dissolve to interior ]

Mary: [ giddy ] Hi, everyone. I’m Mary! I just want to thank you SO much for volunteering at St. Angel’s Thanksgiving soup kitchen! These dinners… are so fun! Last year, we ate… and laughed… and partied, and, and, and… it was so hard, that we — we didn’t get out of here until, like, 8:30! I’m talking P.M.!

Lisa: Well… I’m Lisa, and it’s my first time doing this! I’m excited!

Lou: And I’m LOU!! And seeing all these wonderful faces here today, it really warms my heart.

[ suddenly, from out of nowhere, Penelope leans into the frame ]

Penelope: It warms my heart, too! Soooo… that’s okay. Mine’s burning a lot, though — it’s like a little ball of fire under my bra! I can’t say the Pledge of allengiance without burning my hand, soooo… I guess my heart’s a little warmer than yours!

Mary: Thank you, uh, Penelope, was it?

Penelope: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Mary: Oh, good. Well, um — as I was saying, Thanksgiving is a special time for me. Interesting fact: Thanks to Ancestry.com, I just found out that I had relatives come over on the Mayflower!

Penelope: My relatives came over on the April Flower, soooo… I guess they got here one month before yours did.

Mary: Alright. Good to know. Uh — oh! Well! I can see that people are starting to arrive, so I’m gonna open the doors, and, uh, everybody, let’s get our aprons on!

[ Lou puts a “WORLD’S GREATEST CHEF” apron on ]

[ Penelope puts a “UNIVERSE’S GREATEST-EST CHEF SO….” apron on ]

Mary: [ as she opens the door for the homeless ] Aw, come on in! Come on in! Happy Thanksgiving, everybo —

Penelope: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Mary: Happy Turkey Day —

Penelope: HAPPY TURKEY DAY!! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Birthday! Happy Fourth of July! You’ll probably get to see a lot of fireworks, because you live outside.

Mary: [ stunned ] Penelope! Uh — you know what? I-I think I’ve got this covered, alright? Why don’t you go over there and serve some corn?

Penelope: Mmm-hmm.

[ Penelope takes her place behind the serving table, as a homeless man steps forward ]

Lisa: Mashed potatoes?

Homeless Guy: Yeah, please! They’re my favorite!

Lisa: Ohhhh, well, maybe I can sneak you a little extra!

Homeless Guy: Whoa!

Penelope: I’ll sneak you a little extra, too. [ she holds out an oversized spoon filled with niblets ] Some corn, uh? I’m just gonna give you a little more than she did, sooo… I’m gonna give you a little more than she did.

Homeless Guy: Oh, WOW!! I am thankful for YOU, lady!

[ he moves along ]

Mary: [ running forward ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Penelope! What are you doing? you can’t give that much corn to one person! HERE! [ she hands Penelope a normal-sized spoon ]

Lou: Don’t be so hard on her. She means well.

Mary: Well… fine! But just don’t bring out any more BIG silverware, okay? [ she looks over ] Pastor Miiiike! It’s so good to see you!

Pastor Mike: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Wow, look at all these turkeys — hey, there’s food here, too! [ he laughs ]

Mary: Oh, Pastor Mike! You tell SUCH good jokes!

Pastor Mike: Thank you very much!

[ suddenly, Penelope appears with a microphone standing before her ]

Penelope: [ tapping the microphone ] Is this thing on? I tell good jokes, too! Did you guys hear the one about the peanut? The one who went to Central Park? It was a salted! That’s my time, you’ve been a great crowd! [ she sidles off ]

Mary: Thank you, Penelope. Anyway, Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick!

Pastor Mike: Ohhh! don’t mind if I do! And, when you have a chance, come by my table and say “Hi”. THe whole family’s here — all three of us!

[ Penelope rises up from the floor ]

Penelope: My family’s here, too, sooo… There’s six of us, so, like, double-bigger than yours. They’re right over there, sooo…

[ reveal a weird-looking sextet standing against the wall mimicking Penelope’s mannerisms ]

Lisa: Excuse me, uh, Mary?

Mary: Mmm-hmm?

Lisa: Some of the people are wondering if you could turn up the volume on the football game?

Mary: Oh, of course! No problem! I’d be happy to do that!

[ reveal Penelope beneath the wall-mount television ]

Penelope: I’m already doing it, so. I’m just gonna turn it up a little bit louder than you would have. I’m just turning it up!

Mary: [ smiling ] Hmm. If Pastor Mike wasn’t here, I’d kick that girl in the giblets!

Lisa: Oh, she’s just being helpful!

Mary: Well…

[ the crowd reacts to a play ]

Lou: That’s the LONGEST pass I’ve ever seen! What’s Sanchez doing? There’s no one in the end zone!

Lisa: [ squinting at the screen ] Who is that?

[ reveal Penelope at the end zone on the television, as she catches the pass ]

Penelope: It’s me, I caught it, sooo… Touchdown! Thank you, Lord! [ she kisses the football ]

Mary: [ incredulous ] What is happening?!

[ Penelope reappears in the dining area ]

Penelope: Does anyone want this football? I can’t play any more, I just tested positive for steroids.

Mary: She’s RUINING this entire day! She’s acting like she’s the, the Queen of Thanksgiving!

Penelope: [ holding a sceptor over a turkey centerpiece ] I AM the Queen of Thanksgiving, so… I now dub thee Sir Waddle Gobble Lot! So, congratulations!

Mary: Really, Penelope? Really? You are the… Queen of Thanksgiving? Well — [ she chuckles ] I’m the, uh, PRESIDENT of WEDNESDAYS! And, uh — and, and, and you know what else? I drive a tanning bed to work! And, and, and, if I clap three times, a weiner dog appears, and — OH! My dad’s a chocolate chip! And, you know what else? If I want to relax, I just turn myself into a pot of soup! So… [ she mumbles and begins to pull at her hair ]

Penelope: Well… I guess all I can say is: My tanning bed drives me to work, so I can read the paper and have my coffee. And if I clap twice, all the dogs in the world get next to a weiner. And my dad’s a chocoalte chip cookie, so your dad’s baked inside. And when I want to relax, I shrink into a pot of soup and float around and use a celery stick as a raft. So… [ she pulls at her hair ]

Mary: I don’t even know why I am WASTING my time with you! This is a day of thanks and… you made it all about YOU!!

Lisa: Mary, calm down. Just try to have some food and relax.

Mary: You’re right. I’m sorry. I — [ she laughs at herself ]

Lou: Uhhh, Mary? I think we have a situation over here.

[ Mary peers into the soup pot ]

[ reveal a shrunken Penelope usinf a celery stick as a raft ]

Penelope: Happy Thanksgiving! I’m not thankful four anything — I’m thankful five, so more than you! I’m more thankful than eveyone else! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Happy Turkey Day…

[ pull back, as the bluescreen floor and celery stick prop is revealed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Anne Hathaway’s Monologue

…..Anne Hathaway
…..Andy Samberg
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anne Hathaway!

Anne Hathaway: Thank you SO much! It is SO great to be hosting “SNL” again! Ladies and gentlemen — IT’S THE THANKSGIVING SHOOOOWWW!! [ the audience cheers ] Alright, I am — I am SO excited because my new movie “Love and Other Drugs” opens Wednesday. Uh — [ the audience cheers ] Thank you. This movie, it’s a real departure from the kinds of movies that I’m known for, in that in contains a… substantial amount of nudity. And, uh, I have to say, the Press has been all over it. I mean — well, here I am with my co-star, Jake Gylenhaal, on the cover of this week’s Entertainment Weekly. [ reveal cover ] And… we were also on the cover of Jet. [ reveal cover ] And the children’s magazine Highlights. [ reveal cover ] Aw, that was a FUN shoot!

Um — okay, let me just get this out of the way. Yes. It’s very nervewracking to do nude scenes. But, I believe that, if it’s worth the integrity of the story, an actor should go for it.

[ Andy Samberg enters ]

Andy Samberg: Hi, Anne, sorry to interrupt.

Anne Hathaway: Oh! It’s okay, Andy!

Andy Samberg: Sorry. I have a couple of changes in the Boardroom sketch.

Anne Hathaway: Uh-huh?

Andy Samberg: We’re putting you in a curlier wig, and we’re changing the name of the company to TechnoTech.

Anne Hathaway: Oh. Okay! That’s better! Yeah!

Andy Samberg: Yeah. Oh, and, uh, also — we’re gonna need you to be naked.

Anne Hathaway: Oh. Um… is it important to the scene?

Andy Samberg: [ bluffing ] It is… SO important.

Anne Hathaway: Then, I’ll do it!

Andy Samberg: Thank you.

[ Andy makes an ecstatic face and exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: Okay, now where was I? Oh, right, right! Serving the story.

[ Bobby Moynihan rushes on stage ]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Anne!

Anne Hathaway: Hey, Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, how are you?

Anne Hathaway: What’s up?

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, uh, in the Turkey Family sketch?

Anne Hathaway: Mmm-hmm?

Bobby Moynihan: Uh, we made a few changes. Uh — you’re still gonna have the beak and the wattle, but, uh, other than that, you’re gonna be naked.

Anne Hathaway: [ confused at first, then smiles ] Oh! Like, like, like — [ she laughs ] a turkey that’s had all its feathers plucked! Gosh, that’s hilarious!

Bobby Moynihan: [ humoring her with a loud guffaw ] Yeah! Wait — so, wait — you’ll do it?

Anne Hathaway: Yeah!

Bobby Moynihan: GREAT! [ looks offstage ] Andy! It worked!

[ Bobby rushes offstage to join Andy ]

Anne Hathaway: Everyone is so great here! So, anyway, if the story —

[ Kenan Thompson suddenly appears onstage ]

Kenan Thompson: Heeeey, Anne! In the, uh, Funeral sketch —

Anne Hathaway: Get naked?

Kenan Thompson: Great minds!

[ Kenan exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: anyway, “integrity” is probably my favorite word.

[ Kristen Wiig suddenly appears onstage ]

Kristen Wiig: Anne, Anne, Anne, Anne! Oh. Anne. Um… [ pause ]

Anne Hathaway: [ filling the gap ] Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hi. You don’t have to take — to be naked to be taken seriously as an actor.

Anne Hathaway: That’s not why I do it, Kristen. Like — like I said, it’s about the craft, it’s about art, it’s about trust. And I really trust these guys.

[ reveal Kenan, Andy, and Bobby holding up mini-camcorders with their tongues wagging ]

Kristen Wiig: Yeah… you were never gonna get naked, were you?

Anne Hathaway: Nah! I wasn’t. I just lied to make them happy!

Kristen Wiig: [ to the audience ] And that’s what Thanksgiving is all about!

[ Kristen exits the stage ]

Anne Hathaway: It sure is! We have a GREAT show for you tonight. I’m SO excisted to be hosting again! Florence and the Machine is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie Holmes…..Anne Hathaway
Batman…..Andy Samberg

[ opening logo ]

Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!

Jingle:
“I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”

[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]

Miley Cyrus: Shello! It’s Miley, y’all! So, this is, like, my show where I, like, talk to people, I’m pretty cool, and we’ll, like, talk about things like I’m pretty cool. So, yeah — it’s pretty cool! Heading up the Miley Cyrus Band over here, we’ve got my dad — Billy Ray Cyrus!

[ cut to Billy Ray and the band ]

Billy Ray Cyrus: [ laughing ] Hi! Hey, Miley! It’s an HONOR to share the stage with my baby giiiiirl!

Miley Cyrus: Thanks, Dad! [ she comically puts her finger in her throat like she’s gagging ] Okay! So, like, I thought I’d do something new on my comedy monologue this week! [ she holds up a puppet ] So! This is my little sister Smiley! And she’s gonna help me with my comedy monologue! Hey, Smiley! did you know that the average American woman spends TWENTY hours doung holiday shopping? [ as Smiley: ] Twenty hours?! That’s, like, a full day! That’s CRAZY! [ as herself: ] I know!! That’s CRAZY, right! [ she smiles ] That was ME doing the voice of Smiley, y’all! She’s not my sister — she’s actually a PUPPET!

[ cut to Billy Ray cracking up laughing ]

Billy Ray Cyrus: Oh, you had me FOOLED, Sweetie! I talked to Smiley for a HALF-HOUR backstage! [ he laughs ] I thought she was just shyyyyy!

[ cut to Miley seated on her main set ]

Miley Cyrus: Dad? Schnock it off! Okay! So, as y’all probably heard — I’m SEXY now! So, we’re gonna do a segment now, where we show pictures of me… BEING SEXY! Like, here’s one of me getting steamy with a male model!

[ reveal photo of Miley placing rabbit ears over the head of a topless male model ]

Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing, like, a sexy, flirty wink.

[ reveal photo of Miley giving an awkward wink ]

Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing a sexy pose with a snake, like Britney Spears!

[ reveal photo of Miley in dire panic as a snake wraps around her neck ]

Miley Cyrus: And here’s me as Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct”!

[ reveal pixelated photo ]

Miley Cyrus: That’s pretty sexy, right!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Whooooo! My little girl’s gorwing up! [ he laughs ]

Miley Cyrus: Soooo… my guest tonight is a very sexy lady — just like ME! So, please, give a big Shello! to Katie Holmes!

[ Katie Holmes enters the set, swaps cheek-kisses with Miley, then sits ]

Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You used to be on a show called “Dawson’s Creek”, back in the 1900’s! so that must have been… pretty cool!

Katie Holmes: Oh, it was… [ she struggles to find the word ] great! And my character, Joey, was such a joy to play. On the surface, she just seemed like another cute, popular girl, but… [ struggling ] beneath it, she was this incredibly complicated and intelligent woman.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah! Like ME! So! There is something I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how did you transition into doing more adult roles, and, like, What’s the sexiest role you’ve ever done, and, like, How many boys have you kissed on screen, and, like, Who’s your best friend, and, like, Who’s Tom Cruise’s best friend, and Why does your baby wear high heels, and What does Jesus think of Scientology?

Katie Holmes: Wow! That is such an interesting array of… [ struggling ] complex questions.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Whoo-hoo-hoo!! Great job, baby!! You’re like a pretty little Regis!! [ he laughs ]

Miley Cyrus: Dad!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey… hey… [ meekly ] you’re my role model.

Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You played Batman’s girlfriend in the first ever “Batman” movie, in 2005! Which is pretty cool, ’cause I just auditioned to play his girlfriend in the NEXT “Batman” movie! So, like, do you want to see my screen test?

Katie Holmes: Uh… sure… okay…

Miley Cyrus: OKAY, LET’S ROLL THAT CLIP!!

[ cut to clip from “Batman’s Back” ]

Batman: We need to get out of here! This whole place is gonna blow!

Miley Cyrus: Oh… my… God! This is SO scary and suspenseful, and stuff like that! And I mean, like, all this danger, and stuff like that! And you’re, like, Batman, so you’re kind of like a bat, and you’re kind of like a HOT guy, you look, like, really sexy, and it’s really scary, and it’s really suspenseful, and I might DIE! [ she smiles at the camera and holds the pose ]

[ return to talk show set ]

Miley Cyrus: So! What do you think!

Katie Holmes: Yeah. There’s a lot of… [ struggling to the point of hyperventilating ] interesting complexity there.

Billy Ray Cyrus: [ crying ] And the Oscar goes to my baby girl! [ he shakes his head ] I mean… you melt my heart! My achy-breaky heart!

Miley Cyrus: Well! That’s our show! My thanks to Katie Holmes!

Katie Holmes: [ weakly ] Thank you! The pleasure was… [ she struggles, but never completes her thought ]

Miley Cyrus: Okay! Thanks for watching, y’all! Come on, Dad! Let’s do our song!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Yeah-ah!

Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus: [ singing ]
“I got guests, and a showAnd we’re ready to go!So I guess that’s… pretty cool.It’s pretty cool!”

[ Miley peaces out, y’all ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Mega-Mart

Spokesman…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer…..Anne Hathaway

Spokesman: Clear your calendars! Chug that coffee! And wake the kids! Because THIS Friday is BLACK Friday at Mega-Mart!

[ stock photo of Mega-Mart exterior ]

Announcer: BLACK FRIDAY!!

Spokesman: It’s the biggest shopping day of the year, and we’re giving you INCREDIBLE $aving$, with:

Announcer: MEGA-MART!! 12 MINUTE MADNESS!!

Spokesman: This is the shortest, craziest, sale in retail history!

[ stock footage of crazed shoppers trampling over one another as they rush into the store ]

Spokesman V/O: You have just TWELVE minutes to rush in, and grab all the deals you can carry!

Spokesman: It’s gonna be a Savings Stampede!

[ speeded-up stock footage of cattle running through their pen ]

Announcer: SAVINGS STAMPEDE!!

Spokesman: Door buster specials like: iPads for $39.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: 3D Televisions for $71.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: And a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel — Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space — it’s available for only $6! And there’s ONLY seven left! So line up early, because we’re starting at 4 a.m.!

Announcer: CRACK ‘A DAWN!!

[ a rooster appears over the words and crows ]

Spokesman: That’s right, Coked Up Rooster!

[ stock footage of crowds lined up outside ]

Spokesman V/O: At 4 a.m., we will SWING our doors open to anybody and EVERYbody!

Spokesman: JUST as soon as we finish waxing and mopping our floors!

[ reveal store aisle with a WET FLOOR sign ]

Announcer: SLIDE INTO $AVINGS!

[ speeded-up footage of a narrow aisle ]

Spokesman V/O: ALL the best deals are located at the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!

Announcer: FIRE HAZARD!!

Spokesman: And, to make room for more customers, we’ve removed our security guards!

[ superimposed footage of a security guard blasting into space ]

[ stock footage of tents set up outside the store ]

Spokesman V/O: People have already started camping out in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko — America’s premier hillbilly and cholo fuel!

Spokesman: If you show up too late, you will be HUMILIATED!

[ cut to customer Janice Wrust standing in a line ]

Janice Wrust: [ freaking out ] I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I’ll steel myself, my stakes’ in order, and I’ve made peace with my God and those around me, so I’ll get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit, JUST YOU WAIT! Whoo, what a day for shopping!

Spokesman: Your shopping carts can only be slowed by ONE thing: BOXES!! So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-minute frenzy will get a FREE box cutter at the door!

Announcer: FREE BOX CUTTER!!

Spokesman: And, to keep the energy up, we’ve hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the TOP death-metal DJs in the tri-state area! He’ll be playing music SO loud…

Announcer: NO ONE!! CAN HEAR YOU!! SCREAM!!

Spokesman: Finally, we’re proud to have 93-year old actor Kirk Douglas on hand, to sign copies of his book — The Ragman’s Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find and touch him, will win ONE FREE KINDLE!!

Announcer: CATCH HIM!! TOUCH HIM!! WIN!!

Spokesman: So strap on yuor combat boots, and start running for Black Friday’s 12-minute madness at Mega-Mart!

[ a superimposed crowd runs past on a loop ]

Spokesman: This is happening!! Ha ha!!

[ close-up of Spokesman’s frenzied face ]

Spokesman: THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

Announcer: GET IT!! DO IT!! OWN IT!! MEGA-MART!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

The Rachel Maddow Show

Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott
John Boehner…..Bill Hader
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Charles Rangel…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on MSNBC graphics ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Rachel Maddow: Hello, and welcome to “The Rachel Maddow Show”. I’m Rachel Maddow, and, in a cross promotion with the new “Harry Potter” movie, my haircut will look like this forever. Joining us today: new Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner.

John Boehner: Thank you for pronouncing it right. You can imagine people have a lot of fun with it.

Rachel Maddow: Current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel. Hello, Boner.

Rachel Maddow: And last but not least, a man recently found guilty of 11 ethics violations, Charlie Rangel.

Charles Rangel: I am… somewhat innocent!

Rachel Maddow: John Boehner, we start with you. Your party claims it wants to lower the deficit, but won’t extending the Bush tax cuts to the top earners add $700 billion to the deficit?

John Boehner: Rachel, on election night, the American people spoke and they spoke loudly. And the words they spoke were: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: But, surely you don’t think you can close the deficit gap solely with cuts in spending?

John Boehner: Rachel, the American people could not have been louder or clearer. True story — On election night, I was asleep, and suddenly I heard voices. I went to my window and I opened it up. It was the voices of the American people, and they were saying loudly and in unison. like a great big barber shop quartet: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: So if your only measure to lower the deficit is reducing spending, what are some of the programs that you would be willing to cut?

John Boehner: Uh, on this, sadly, the American people were not clear. I yelled from my window: “American people, what specific programs should we cut?” Their voices faded away into the night. The last thing I heard was: [ whispering ] “Stop the tax hikes. Stop the spending.”

Rachel Maddow: One last question: “Orange” you glad I didn’t mention the color of your face? [ she laughs ]

John Boehner: Very funny.

Rachel Maddow: We turn now to the current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel.

Rachel Maddow: Madam Speaker, Republicans are saying that America spoke in the midterm elections, and Democrats need to completely change the way they do things.

Nancy Pelosi: And it’s such a good point, Rachel. And I do intend to follow the wonderful example of Republicans who, after the 2008 elections, when the Democrats took the presidency and both houses, completely changed the way they did things. I think we all remember how helpful they became, so willing to reach across the aisle. Oh wait, I have that backwards. They turned into a pack of ferrel dogs guarding a turned over trash can.

Rachel Maddow: This week, you held off a challenge from within your own party for your own leadership position. Does that bother you?

Nancy Pelosi: Nothing bothers me, Rachel. That’s why I always have the same expression. [ she holds her pose ] But I want to assure my enemies that it will take more than one election to take me down. If you want to get rid of Nancy Pelosi, you better be ready to cut off my head and bury it separately from my body.

Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi. A woman who always looks like she’s watching someone not use a coaster. Joining us now, the Democrat who had the toughest week, Charlie Rangel. Welcome, Congressman.

Charles Rangel: Hello, young man.

Rachel Maddow: Congressman, what was your reaction to Thursday’s censure?

Charles Rangel: Rachel, I did not deserve this treatment. I am a 20-term congressman. I’m a decorated war hero. I was awarded both the Bronze Star, as well as the Silver Pompadour. [ he runs his hand through his hair ] Yet, still I am attacked.

Rachel Maddow: Well, you’re under attack for your legal troubles.

Charles Rangel: I-I’d like to make a distinction. People keep saying I’m having “legal” troubles. These are ethics violations. I did nothing criminal. I just did things that were unethical. Did I kill someone? No. Did I lie for the purposes of getting money? Perhaps. When I say “perhaps”, do I mean “yes”? I do. But I am not a criminal. I am just a person that can — and should — not be trusted.

Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel, if you lived in the Old West, you’d be the bartender.

Charles Rangel: You got me!

Rachel Maddow: Final thoughts, John Boehner?

[ reveal Boehner speaking on the telephone ]

John Boehner: Excuse me, Rachel — it’s the American people. [ into the phone ] Stop taxes. What else? Stop spending? Well, what spending? Hello, hello? You’re breaking up. Hello? Ehhhh… lost them. [ he hangs up ]

Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi?

Nancy Pelosi: [ frantically feeling around her neck ] I-I’m sorry, Rachel. It seems my necklace has gone missing.

Rachel Maddow: John Boehner?

John Boehner: Don’t look at me.

Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel?

Charles Rangel: [ wearing the necklace ] What?

Rachel Maddow: Give that back!

Charles Rangel: No, thank you. Rachel, in closing, I just want to say I’m proud to live in a country where a man like Charlie Rangel can be a congressman, and a 12-year-old boy like yourself can have his own TV show.

Rachel Maddow: And that’s all the time we have — and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Goodnights

…..Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway: Thank you SO much to Florence and the Machine! Thank you to the cast, the crew — oh my gosh! The pages! Oh — to Lorne! To Higgins! To everybody! This was quite a week! I don’t want it to be over, let’s do it all again! Thank you so much, everybody — you’re incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Camel Tame

Businesswoman…..Kristen Wiig
Female Employee…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Employee…..Bill Hader

[ open on work meeting ]

Businesswoman: Okay, people, we are working through lunch today and I’d better start hearing some good ideas.

Male Employee: I’m sorry — I ordered chicken fingers, not camel toe.

[ the other employees begin to snicker among themselves ]

Businesswoman: What? Camel toe? Not now!

Female Employee: Camel toe got you down?

Businesswoman: You know it.

Female Employee: You’re not alone.

Businesswoman: You, too?

Female Employee: [ nods ] Camel toe affects millions of women every day. It’s the result of wearing tight-fitting clothes like leggings, tights and other activewear. Camel toe puts your private parts on public display.

Businesswoman: How do you handle it?

Female Employee: With this. [ she holds up the product ]

Businesswoman: Camel Tame?

Female Employee: Camel Tame, with its Sure Fit strip, creates a protective layer between your clothes and your business that ensures you’ll never have to face the embarrassment of camel toe again.

[ cut to another woman demonstrating by placing the bulging product into her pants to create the female version of an erection ]

Female Employee: Camel Tame is comfortable, easy to use and one hundred percent effective every day.

[ other demonstrations include a woman working out while using Camel Tame, and another woman trying on a pair of shoes at a department store ]

Female Employee: You’ll get noticed for all the right reasons.

[ cut to a later business meeting, as K speaks to her employees ]

Businesswoman: Okay people, listen up —

Male Employee: I’m sorry, but —

Businesswoman: Yes?

[ she turns to reveal the erotic bulge in her pants ]

Male Employee: [ turned on ] You have my full attention.

Two Women: Thanks, Camel Tame!

Announcer: Got camel toe? Get Camel Tame.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

November 20th, 2010

Anne Hathaway

Florence and the Machine

None

None

None

John Lutz

The Rachel Maddow ShowSummary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) discusses the mid-term election results with John Boehner (Bill Hader), Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig), and Charles Rangel (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Rachel Maddow, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

Montage

Anne Hathaway’s MonologueSummary: Because Anne Hathaway is willing to do nude scenes in her movies, male cast members have rewritten their sketches so they can glimpse her naked up close.

Transcript

TSASummary: The Transportation Security Administration looks forward to checking you in a most seductive way this holiday season.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Katie Holmes (Anne Hathaway).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Transcript

PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) ones-up the fellowship members handing out a free Thanksgiving dinner at the Lutheran Church.

Recurring Characters: Penelope, Lou.

Transcript

Visiting the QueenSummary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) feel threatened when Prince William (Andy Samberg) becomes engaged to commoner Kate Middleton (Anne Hathaway).

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.

Transcript

Florence and the Machine perform “Dog Days Are Over”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) raves about alcohol-soaked Thanksgiving delicacies. Seth Meyers chides “Come On, Dictionary” when a Sarah Palin spelling error joins the ranks of real words. Four Loko creator Chris Hunter (Jason Sudeikis) comments on the banishment of his caffeinated alcohol drink. Jay Pharoah does impressions of rappers performing hip-hop flavored Thanksgiving Day songs.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal when Jon Hamm hosted last month.

Transcript

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote.

Transcript

Mega-MartSummary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) pitches the extreme Black Friday deals that will only last 12 minutes and are guaranteed to cause mass hysteria.

Transcript

Camel TameSummary: Businesswomen (Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad) avoid embarrassing camel toe by wearing a padded bulge in their tight clothing.

Note: This ad parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Florence and the Machine perform “You’ve Got the Love”

Horse PlaySummary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Horse Play”.

Recurring Characters: Randy Newman, Alanis Morissette, Adam Lambert.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Thanksgiving AwardsSummary: Culled fom videos of family Thanksgiving feasts, awards are passed out for categories like “Most Uncomfortable Grace”, as well as a Lifetime Achievement Award to Grandpa (Bobby Moynihan) for his annual outbursts.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 6

10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

Unstoppable

Denzel Washington as Frank Barnes…..Jay Pharaoh
Chris Pine as Will Colson…..Taran Killam
Rosario Dawson as Dispatcher Connie Hooper…..Scarlett Johansson
Co-worker…..Paul Brittain

[ SUPER: “THIS NOVEMBER” ]

[ SUPER: “ALL HOPE RIDES” ]

[ dissolve to forward view of train ]

[ SUPER: “ON THE COURAGE OF TWO MEN” ]

Frank Barnes: So you’re my new partner, huh? I didn’t know I was runnin’ a day care center!

[ SUPER: “DENZEL WASHINGTON” ]

Will Colson: Yeah, well, I didn’t know I was working in a retirement home, so —

[ SUPER: “CHRIS PINE” ]

[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: All-right!

[ intercuts of the train barrelling forward and Connie Hooper and co-worker in the dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: We have an unmanned train with eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals with no air brakes! It’s not a train — it’s a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ cut to the train ]

Frank Barnes: [ chuckling ] Let’s do this, Rookie!

Will Colson: Don’t call me “Rookie”, Old Man! I KNOW trains!

Frank Barnes: Where’d you learn trains, huh? “Thomas the Tank Engine”?

Will Colson: Yeah, where did YOU learn trains, Old Man? From inventing them?

[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: Ha ha haaaaa! LOVE IT!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Guys! We need you to STOP that train… NOW!

Co-worker: It gets worse!

Connie Hopper: It’s on a collision course with a train full of kids on a field trip!

Co-worker: It gets worse!

Connie Hopper: The field trip was to a petroleum refinery, and they all brought home souvenier gasoline! That’s enough flaming kids to hold hands in a circle around the Chrysler Building!

[ cut to the train ]

Will Colson: What are we gonna do?

Frank Barnes: Relax, Rugrat — don’t soil your diaper, huh!

Will Colson: Don’t soil your Depends, Old Man!

[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! ALL-RIGHT!! You see, he’s insulted me and I’m ALLOWING it!!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Guys! What’s the status?!

Frank Barnes: It seems we’re coming to a begrudging respect for one another! When we met, we focused on our differences!

Will Colson: But now it appears that we have more in common than we thought.

Frank Barnes: Now! What did you want to say?

Connie Hopper: A nursing home shuttle bus got stuck on the track —

Frank Barnes: BOOM!!!

[ an explosion, as the train crashes through the shuttle bus ]

Will Colson: There’s gotta be a way to stop it!

Connie Hopper: We’re trying to figure that out, but we’re going through a hundred years’ of files! It’s like trying to find a needle… in the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ SUPER: “INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS” ]

Frank Barnes: You’re too YOUNG!!

Will Colson: You’re too OLD!!

[ they rush one another and hug ]

Frank Barnes: I LOVE this guy! [ he cries ] O-kay!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Here’s the WORST news yet — there’s a train ON TOP OF the runaway train! That’s like a CHRSYLER BUILDING on top of a CHRYSLER BUILDING!

Frank Barnes: Chugga-chugga CHOO-CHOO! Ha haaaa! BOOM!!!

[ an explosion as the train crashes vehicles on the tracks ]

[ a helicopter choppers above the train ]

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Good news! We’re able to get the runaway on the emergency track!

Will Colson: Where does that go?

Co-worker: [ looking in the files ] 42nd and Lexington — New York.

Connie Hopper: That’s the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ cut to exterior, Chrysler Building ]

[ train horn sounds ]

[ the Chrysler Building explodes ]

[ SUPER: “UNSTOPPABLE” ]

[ SUPER: “IN THEATERS NOW” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts