Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.

Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!

[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]

Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —

[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.

[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]

Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —

[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]

Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?

[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]

Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.

You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:

“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.

We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Thanks to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers! [ cups his hands ] and Steve Martin! Steve Martin! [ he waves goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Swim Team Awards

Soccer Coach…..Will Forte
Teacher…..Kristen Wiig
Coach Rooney…..Alec Baldwin
Mike Santoro….Bill Hader
Rachel Morris….Jenny Slate
Julie Duvenr….Abby Elliott
Bradley Cuffling….Andy Samberg
John Wentworth….Bobby Moynihan
Luke Summers….Fred Armisen
Pete O’Connel….Jason Sudeikis
Paul Williams….Kenan Thompson
Marigold Jennings….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with a shot of a building at night. Cut to the inside. A sign announces Hudson Valley High School Sports Awards. 7:00pm.]

[Cut to a proud as hell coach in mid-speech]

Soccer Coach: …and when we hoisted that trophy over our heads, I knew this was the greatest soccer team that I have ever coached. You’re warriors, you’re champions. And I love you guys. [pumps fist up]

[applause]

[Coach leaves, teacher goes to the podium]

Teacher: Hudson Valley Soccer State Champions yet again. Now we turn our attention to the swim team. I don’t think they won a single race this year. But on the plus side, nobody died. [embarrassing applause] Ok, so let’s welcome our most unique coach. Coach Rooney.

[applause, teacher sits, Rooney is up to the podium]

[Coach Rooney has longish blond hair, he’s in a bad mood and talks with a sort of Aussie accent]

Coach Rooney: All right. Let’s get this nightmare over with. I’m trying to keep my remarks brief. Considering I’m suppose to say nice things, it shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s start with the participation awards, AKA the losers. Mike Santoro, get up here. [gives trophy to Mike] Now get the hell away from me. [Mike leaves fast]

Rachel Morris. This kid couldn’t float in outer space. [gives her the trophy] She swallowed more water than the filter. [Rachel leaves embarrassed]

Julie Duvner? I call this kid the instant drowning victim, just add water. [gives her the trophy, she leaves with sad look]

Bradley Cuffling? Oh, my God! I actually encouraged him to pee in the pool, in hopes it would help propel him forward. [gives Bradley his trophy, Bradley embarrassed] But despite doing number one in the pool, he still swam like number two. [Bradley leaves]

Then we got John “Titanic” Wentworth. [overweight kid] He swam with his t-shirt on. That really struck fear in thehearts of our competitors. [gives the trophy, kid leaves pouting]

Luke Summers. [nerdy kid] The kid has two things in common with Greg Louganis: He hit his head on the diving board, and I’ll let you figure out the second thing. [Luke leaves with his trophy all ashamed]

Oh, and I almost forgot, Pete O’Connel. [Pete steps up, gets the trophy] Congratulations, Pete.[angry whisper] I hate you.

Pete O’Connel: Not as much as I hate you.

Coach Rooney: No, I hate you more, Pete. I promise you, I hate you more. Go. [Pete leaves]

All right, now it’s time for the most improved award. That goes to: My hatred for this children. [holds trophy up] Actually had that written on the plaque. [puts trophy down]

I also had to give the perfect attendance award, ironically, to Paul Williams. [black kid steps up] He didn’t come to a single practice. Until tonight, I didn’t even know he was black. Good work, buddy. [bumps fists with Paul]

Paul Williams: Ha, thanks Coach. [leaves]

Coach Rooney: Ok, I’m having an affair with the mother of this next kid. She’s the light of my life. Not the kid, the mom. The kid is a trainwreck. And to her father, I just would like to say: [into the audience] No, no, you just shut up, Jerry!! You just sit down! You’re a coward! You never appreciated her! Ok, Marigold Jennings come up here now. [Marigold shocked, embarrassed face steps up] You get the, uh, I don’t know. The spirit award, some b.s. [gives her trophy, she leaves] Just stay the hell out of your mom’s room.

And of course, there’s the MVP award. I can’t put enough sarcastic quotations marks around those three letters! [makes crazy quotation marks] You know, I never thought I’d pray for a kid to die until I met — until I met this next vulture. Hey, Wally! You want your award? [throws trophy to the side of the room] Go and fetch it, ok?! That’s all I got for you animals! There’s a surprise waiting for you in the parking lot. I just slashed all your tires. Have a great summer!

[Makes obscene gestures, slaps his ass to the crowd, he is hit with plastic cups]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Girl 1…..Jenny Slate
Girl 2…..Abby Elliott
Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Boy 2…..Andy Samberg
Boy 3…..Bill Hader

[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]

[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Dad!

Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?

Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!

Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!

Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!

Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!

Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]

Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”

Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!

[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]

Bedelia: Hi, guys!

Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.

Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!

Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?

Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!

[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]

Dad: Ow!

Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!

Dad: Hi, Sweetie.

Bedelia: Dad!

[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]

Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?

Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?

Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!

[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]

Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?

Dad: Bedelia!

Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!

Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —

Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!

Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.

Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!

[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]

Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!

Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!

Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!

Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.

Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?

Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!

Boy 2: Uhh…

Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!

Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!

Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?

Boy 1: Yeah, but still —

Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!

Dad: Honey!

Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?

Dad: Bedelia —

Bedelia: What’s up?

Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.

Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.

Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!

Bedelia: What are you trying to say?

Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!

Bedelia: Yeah! They’re classic J.C. Penney shorts.

Dad: I’m wearing sandals with socks!

Bedelia: It’s poison ivy season! You’re being sensible —

Dad: You’re missing the point! You’re missing the point! I want you to start having fun, making mistakes, and being an idiot — and NOT with me. Do you understand?

Bedelia: I think so. Loud and clear, Chief.

[ a third boy steps forward ]

Boy 3: Sorry to interrupt. I wonder if I could use your phone? Feels like a pretty sweet opportunity to check in with my parents, let them know I’m okay.

Bedelia: Wow! That’s super thoughtful!

Boy 3: I figured it takes me two seconds to make the call, and save them…

Together: A WORLD OF WORRY!!

Boy 3: Wow!

Bedelia: Courtesy’s contagious, huh? [ to Dad ] Hey, Dad! mind if I go show him where the phone is?

[ disappointed ] Nothing would make me happier.

Bedelia: [ to the boy ] Let’s do this! Hey! You play your cards right, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of my parents’ wedding album!

Boy 3: Sco-o-o-ore!!

[ they walk off, as Dad shakes his head ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

May 15th, 2010

Alec Baldwin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Steve Martin

Jorma Taccone

John Lutz

Jessi Klein

Paula Pell

Kent Sublette


Oil Spill Press ConferenceSummary: Representatives from British Petroleum (Bill Hader), Transocean (Fred Armisen), and Halliburton (Jason Sudeikis) offer lamebrained solutions for cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin delivers a commencement address for SNL’s 35th season.

Note: Alec Baldwin officially ties Steve Martin’s 15-episode hosting record.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Coked-up guy (Andy Samberg) paranoically sings about having a “Great Day”.

Transcript

Arizona EveningsSummary: A dramatic scene between actors (Alec Baldwin, Andy Samberg) is ruined by new script supervisor, Starfish (Kristen Wiig), and her big teeth.

Swim Team AwardsSummary: Infuriated swim coach (Alec Baldwin) hands awards to all the swim team members he hates.

Transcript

Bedelia’s Birthday CookoutSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad) would rather hang around her cool Dad (Alec Baldwin) than socialize with her peers at her own birthday party.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia.

Transcript

PrenivaSummary: Sally Field (Abby Elliott) promotes the bone loss health solution for middle-aged women who are needlessly scared by their doctors.

Transcript

Grady Wilson’s Intimate & InternationalSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of randy Greek Kostos (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “I Should Have Known It”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Orange-colored Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) promotes the second season of “Jersey Shore” and flirts with Seth Meyers. Stefon (Bill Hader) discusses more trendy vacation spots for families. Unprepared Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing more songs as though they were making them up on the spot.

Recurring Characters: Snooki, Stefon, Garth, Kat.

TimecrowaveSummary: Gram Lampton (Alec Baldwin) and Penny Schmeer (Kristen Wiig) show how you can save time, as long as you remember to send your lunch back from the future.

Transcript

Whistle If You CanSummary: Turner Classic Movies presents “Whistle If You Can”, a 1950’s film in which a businessman (Alec Baldwin) gets his kicks by pressuring a hooker (Jenny Slate) to open up about her past.

Transcript

SnipersSummary: Sniper (Alec Baldwin) orders his combat trainees (Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) to “Taaay the shaaa!”

Transcript

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers perform “Jefferson Jericho Blues”

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ScrotoxSummary: The injection that corrects sagging male skin.

Transcript

Teen IdolSummary: A grown woman (Kristen Wiig) finally receives a visit from her favorite teen idol (Alec Baldwin), many years after the fact.

Sex and the CitySummary: Mr. Big (Alec Baldwin) isn’t allowed to have sex.

Finders KeepersSummary: A man (Will Forte) finds a car with his metal detector and doesn’t want to give it back to the rightful owner (Alec Baldwin).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21













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09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

An SNL Digital Short

…..Betty White
…..Andy Samberg
…..Fred Armisen
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Abby Elliott
…..Will Forte
…..Tina Fey
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Bill Hader
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Molly Shannon
…..Jenny Slate
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig

FADE IN:

[ Andy escorts Betty to a single chair in an all-white colored studio. ]

Andy Samberg: Right this way…

Betty White: Where are we going?

Andy Samberg: Just have a seat right here.

Betty White: Okay.

[ Betty sits down. ]

Andy Samberg: Betty — you’ve given us so many memorable memories over the years. This one’s for you!

[ Andrew Gold’s THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND from “The Golden Girls” begins. ]

Maya Rudolph: [singing]
“Thank you for being a friend.”

Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon, Kristen Wiig: [singing]
“Traveled down the road and back again.”

Nasim Pedrad: [singing]
“Your heart is true.”

Tina Fey, Bobby Moynihan, Jason Sudeikis: [singing]
“You’re a pal and a confidante.”

[ Betty chuckles in delight. ]

Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler: [singing]
“And if you threw a party.”

Jenny Slate, Kenan Thompson: [singing]
“And invited everyone you knew.”

Betty White: Oh! I love it!

Will Forte, Ana Gasteyer: [singing]
“You would see the biggest gift would be from me.”

Abby Elliott, Bill Hader: [singing]
“And the card attached would say…”

All: [singing]
“Thank You for Being a Friend!”

Betty White: Oh, that was just lovely! But I think I prefer my version…

[ Betty dons a ski mask. She pops out of her chair with a microphone. ]

Betty White: 1, 2, 3, 4!!!

[ A hardcore, heavy metal version of THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND plays. Several biker boys are throwing down a mad mosh pit. Betty simulating humping on one of the bikers. The “SNL” cast is horrified and/or stunned. Betty smashes a 2 x 4 against one of the bikers, who spews blood on Nasim. Two of the bikers tackle Andy. Jason pulls out his iPhone to snap a photo. Everyone else seems to engage in a fist fight. An out-of-breath Betty pops a seat and removes her ski mask. ]

Betty White: Happy Mother’s Day, Motherfuckers!

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Scared Straight

Officer Sikorsky…..Jason Sudeikis
Lorenzo MacIntosh…..Kenan Thompson
Loretta MacIntosh…..Betty White
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer Sikorsky: All right, goofballs. I bet you think bullying your classmates is totally radical, huh? Well it’s not!

Teens: (looking disattached) Whatever.

Officer Sikorsky: Yeah, simultaneous “whatever,” Okay, alright, look. Somehow you still don’t get it, do ya, huh? So I invited two representatives from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you animals. Macintosh! Grand Mammie Macitosh! You wanna get In here?

(Lorenzo MacIntosh, a tough con wearing a brown prison uniform, a doo rag, and a weightlifting belt, enters with his grandmother, Loretta, another tough convict in a brown uniform and a shock of white hair.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Alright, here it comes! You alright, grammie? Alright now. My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.

Loretta MacIntosh: And I’m his grandmother Loretta Macintosh.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But you can call us yo’ wedding day. Cause you gon’ get something old, something new… (puts up fists)

Loretta MacIntosh: Something black and something blue! (throws a punch)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now what they in here for?

Teen 1: We beat up a kid cause he’s poor…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Shut yo’, shut yo’ damn mouth! (Pulls teen’s sweatshirt over his head) What you think we’ve never been poor? When I was young, my family was so poor that all four of my grandparents had to sleep head to toe on the same bed.

Loretta MacIntosh: I remember that!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Then one day, I was eatin’ a bar of chocolate and I found a ticket inside of it. I believe it was silver or bronze or something like that.

Teens: It was golden…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: That’s what I said! It was a golden ticket. Pretty soon me and four other kids are touring a funky candy factory and some little orange dudes are teaching us lessons via song! Is that what you want? Hmm? Hmm?? You almost die from fizzy lifting drink and Slugworth wants your everlasting gobstopper? Cause this here is real!

Teen 1: Okay, so yeah, that’s just Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo…

Loretta MacIntosh: Oh no…

Officer Sikorsky: (shaking his head) No way, no way…

(Teen 1, expecting this, takes off his shoe and Lorenzo slams it onto the ground.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo! Boy you better close yo’ damn mouth! Oh you be wonkin’ some willies alright and they gon’ be touring yo’ chocolate factory and giving you an everlasting buttstopper!

Teen 1: (disgusted) Noooooh!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Man they gon’ ride you like a wonka-vator. Sideways, slantways, three ways and ten ways!

Loretta MacIntosh: And the tiny people won’t be orange. They’ll be freaky Hispanic and Chinese dudes.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yea, they gon’ dance around you in the communal shower and sing (begins singing)
“Prison, prison, doo pah dee doo”
“A gang of Jamaicans is comin’ for you!”

Loretta MacIntosh: They’ll take ya to the boiler room and lay you down flat!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: “What does your rear end think…of…dat?”
“It doesn’t like the looks of it!”

Officer Sikorsky: Hey Macintosh! C’mon man, you can’t do that to a children’s song.

(The MacIntoshes return back to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh. That’s on me chief. Here’s the ocean and I crossed it. Now all the natives got small pox. Heh heh heh heh.

Officer Sikorsky: (trying to control laughter) Alright, okay.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now which one of y’all is the ring leader?

(Teens point to teen 2.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Get up here. (pulls Teen 2 in front of Loretta)

Loretta MacIntosh: Ah, soo you think you’re the bees’ knees? You hippie!

Teen 2: Yeah, so what? I’m fed up with this one horse town.

Loretta MacIntosh: Now hush up! You’ve never think of I’ve never felt stuck in a small town?

Teen 2: Uh huh.

Loretta MacIntosh: Well, I recall my childhood in rural Kansas. (fantasy background music begins) I was bored to tears! ‘Til all of a sudden, a twister hit. It carried me to a magical land full of witches and wizards. Is that what you want? Is it?! You’re following a lion, a tin man and a scarecrow down a yellow brick road…because this here. This right here. This is real.

Teen 3: Ok. (gets up, as background music ends) That’s Wizard of Oz!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Heeeeeeeeyyyy!!!! (Shoves teens 2 and 3 back into their seats and starts punching at them. The teens struggle to keep down the laughs) No! It’s not! Ain’t no wizard of oz! (starts gnawing on Teen 3’s jacket) No! You do not interrupt one of grammie’s stories.

Loretta MacIntosh: (Begins roughing up Teen 3, who can’t help laughing)You keep that up, and you’ll be playing twister on the floor of the prison bathroom! (A sneaker is thrown at them from offstage, Loretta throws it back.)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, thats right! And it won’t be no lion, a tin man and a scarecrow. It’ll be you, lying down, while ten men make you a scared ho!

Loretta MacIntosh: And don’t behind the shower curtain, you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Woah! Hey! Macintoshes! C’mon! Good Lord.

(The MacIntoshes return to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)

Officer Sikorsky: You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?

Loretta MacIntosh: Yes he does.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Aww. (Kisses his grandmother affectionately on the forehead and she pats his on the chest)

Loretta MacIntosh: I love you.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: I love you grammie. Alright, we out!

Officer Sikorsky: Uh huh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. (finds the sneaker on his desk and throws it back.) Good work.

Loretta MacIntosh: Wizard! Of! Ass!

Officer Sikorsky: Hey! Hey! Where you going?

(He follows her out. End of sketch.)

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

The Manuel Ortiz Show

Manuel Ortiz….Fred Armisen
Renata Montoyez….Maya Rudolph
Renata’s sister….Ana Gasteyer
Merlin….Bill Hader
Nelson Carreras….Will Forte
Sr. Carreras….Bobby Moynihan
Sra. Carreras….Betty White
Julisa….Kristen Wiig

[TV Dominicana logo]

Announcer: You’re watching Telecentro TV Dominicana. At 6:00 Fireworks. Followed by 10:00 JAG. But first The Manuel Ortiz Show.

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

Manuel Ortiz: Hola. Welcome to the show. I am Manuel Ortiz. I am here to listen and help you work with your problem. And if I cannot, I’m very,very sorry. My first guest today has lost all contact with her sister. Please welcome, Renata Montoyez.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel and Renata dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whips head to the side. Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Welcome Renata Montoyez.

Renata Montoyez: Oh, muchas gracias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: So, what has happened between you and your sister?

Renata Montoyez: [emotional] Oh, this is so hard for me.

Manuel Ortiz: Try.

Renata Montoyez: Ok. My sister, she sleeps with my husband. They say they just esleep but I am not there to make sure.

Manuel Ortiz: Well, guess who’s here? Your sister.

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Yes!

Renata Montoyez: No!

Manuel Ortiz: Let’s bring her out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata and Renata’s sister dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata’s Sister: Buenos dias Manuel.

Manuel Ortiz: Your sister is very upset with you.

Renata Montoyez: You sleep with my husband!

Renata’s Sister: So? We’re amigos with benefits.

Manuel Ortiz: I have a surprise for both of you. Let’s bring him out!

[Merengue music plays. Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister and Merlin dance the merengue. A couple of steps and whip the head to the side.]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Renata Montoyez: Merlin, why are you here?!

Manuel Ortiz: Merlin has something to say. He wanted to wait to tell you together in front of a studio audience.

Merlin: Yes. Both of you. Hold my hands. [Renata and her sister hold hands with Merlin] I think….I am gay.

Renata Montoyez: You did this to him!

Renata’s Sister: No! I did nothing to him. This is what has happened.

Manuel Ortiz: So, I have someone here who wants to see Merlin. Please welcome, Nelson Carreras.

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Merlin checks Nelson’s ass while dancing. A couple of steps, whip head to the side]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Nelson Carreras: Oh, a snap on everyone’s faces but Merlin’s.

Merlin: Te amo Nelson.

Nelson Carreras: Te amo Merlin.

Manuel Ortiz: Nelson, did Julisa the make-up girl, prepared you?

Nelson Carreras: No. Do I have a shine?

Manuel Ortiz: Yes, a terrible one.

Nelson Carreras: Ah!

Manuel Ortiz: Julisa, we need powder!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin and Nelson dance the merengue. Julisa dances and powders Nelson’s face. A couple of steps, whip head to the side. Julisa jumps out of camera range]

[Music stops, they sit down]

Manuel Ortiz: Now Nelson, there is something very special that you wanted to do today.

Nelson Carreras: Yes. My parents don’t know I’m gay.

Manuel Ortiz: Then let’s bring them out. Sr y Sra. Carreras!

[Merengue music plays]

[Manuel, Renata, Renata’s sister, Merlin, Nelson and Sr. and Sra.Carreras dance the merengue. A couple of steps, whip head to the side.]

[Music stops. They sit down, all except Sr. Carreras]

Sr. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay! There is no room for both me and my wife in this sofa.

Manuel Ortiz: I’m sorry but I need for one of you to volunteer to leave.

Renata’s Sister: I will. I am too don’t want to do this anyway.

[Renata’s sister gets up, merengue music plays for a little bit and leaves her in mid-dance. She pauses awkwardly, walks out]

Manuel Ortiz: Your son has something to tell you.

Nelson Carreras: Guess what’s ne-e-e-ew?

Sra. Carreras: You found a new girlfriend?

Nelson Carreras: No.

Sr. Carreras: You found a new place to buy juice?

Nelson Carreras: No. I am a gay top! Can you deal with this?

Sra. Carreras: Ay, yi, yay. That explains why he doesn’t like tacos!

Manuel Ortiz: I am being told from the control room that I need to take a break. When we return we have a special surprise. Sr and Sra. Carreras gardener!

Sr. Carreras: Ay, no!

Manuel Ortiz: Si!

Sr. Carreras: Ayyyy!

[Merengue music plays. They keep dancing the merengue]

[The Manuel Ortiz Show logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Betty White’s Monologue

…..Betty White

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Betty White!

Betty White: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I don’t believe this! I just can’t believe that I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Um, I’m not sure — you — many of you know that I’m 88 and a half years old, so it’s — well, it’s great to be here for a number of reasons!

You know, I’m not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was “Life with Elizabeth”. And, of course, back then we didn’t want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I don’t know what this show’s excuse is.

You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. [ the audience cheers wildly ] When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I didn’t know what Facebook was. And, now that I do know what it is, I have to say… it sounds like a HUGE waste of time. [ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ] I would never say that people on it are losers… but that’s only because I’m polite.

People say, “But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.” Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends… I need a Ouji board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had Phonebook, but… you wouldn’t waste an afternoon on it. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. And, when we were kids, we didn’t say we were single. We were just kids! It was weird if you weren’t single! Yes, we had poking… but… it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was — it was something you did on a hayride. Under a blanket. [ she strikes a nostalgic, faraway glance, then returns to Earth ] Oh! Sorry.

Things were a lot different when I was growing up. My father, Horace, was a traveling salesman, who moved our family to California during the Great Depression. I mean, that’s the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. And, to think, I’ve lived through a World War, worked on radio and films, on “Mary Tyler Moore”, and “The Golden Girls”… [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] And now I’m here tonight because you wanted me to be here. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I just want to say I feel so loved. Thank you. If I could, I would take you ALL on a big hayride. [ she gazes into the audience ] Starting with you, sir. No, not you. [ she cocks her head ] You.

[ she clears her throat ]

Guess what? Jay-Z is here! [ the audience cheers ] And if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that, I’d have one dime — which wasn’t anything to shake a stick at in my day! We have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s still working with his Grandma, but it’s gotten really teense!
MacGruber!
They haven’t really spoken for a couple of weeks now!
MacGruber!
He never had a breast reduction!”

[CUT to MacGruber’s Before-After breast reduction ad with a line through it.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a bobbytrapped bridge. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Nana: [lightly struggling with locked door] Vicky, the door’s locked. How many seconds before MacGruber fails to diffuse the bomb?

MacGruber: [ aggravated ] Okay, this has gone on far enough! Look, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day… I think it’s time to end our little feud. Nana… [ romantically ] You are so special to me. You’re my rock. You wonder why I’m in my early 40’s and still haven’t settled down? Well, first of all, I went through a little gay phase — it was very short, but… that ate up some time. But, after that, I just couldn’t find the right person. I mean, I’ve been searching my whole life for a woman who’s as amazing as you. But there’s nobody out there who even comes close. You set the bar too darn high. I love you SO much!

Nana: [ touched ] I love you, too, Poop-casso.

MacGruber: Happy Mother’s Day. You mean the world to me. And it’s just a sham that in our society, you can’t marry your own grandma!

[ everyone chuckles, as MacGruber’s facial expression turns grimly serious ]

MacGruber: Or can you? [ he drops to one knee ] Nana… make me the happiest grandson on the face of the Earth. Will you marry me?

Nana: Are you out of your fucking mind?! [ a beat ] Yes!

[ they lean in for a close-up kiss ]

[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts