Jack Handey V/O: If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.
Announcer: They’ve entartained audiences for years, and now PioneerRecords is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They’renot gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!
[ SUPER: “Where Is The Love” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “Where is the love you said you’d give to me?”
Jones: [ singing ] “As soon as you were free was it up to me?”
Together: “Where is the love?”
[ SUPER: “Solid As A Rock” ]
“Solid! Solid as a rock. That’s what this love is And the feeling’s so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!”
[ SUPER: “Wedding Bell Blues” ]
Bill! I love you so and I always will”
Eager: I look at you and see the passion I’ll find someday.”
Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?”
Together: “Won’t you marry me, Bill?”
Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices inthe world, and two of the straightest guys you’d ever want to meet, singyour favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that’s not all, becausethey also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:
[ SUPER: “It Must Be Him” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “It must be him, it must be him Oh dear God, it must be him Or I would die Yes, I will die”
[ SUPER: “He Touched Me” ]
Jones: [ singing ] “He touched me! He touched me! And nothing, nothing is the same!”
Announcer: And, if you order now, you’ll recieve, as an additionalbonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: “Songs As If They Were Really,Really Gay.”
Eager: [ singing ] “Let’s get it on!”
Jones: “Oh baby!”
Eager: “Let’s get it on!“
Jones: “Let’s love, sugar!”
Announcer: Eager and Jones. They’re hot, but not for each other!To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.
Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.
Eager: We know our wives will.
[ SUPER: “Do That To Me One More Time” ]
Together: [ singing ] “Do that to me one more time Once is never enough with a man like you!”
[ they lean close as if they’re about to kiss, then turn their heads to thecamera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]
Mabel Blaster: Good evening, and welcome to “Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies”. I’m your host, Mabel Blaster. My guest tonight is producer Jeremy Hoffman.
Jeremy Hoffman: Thank you, Miss Blaster.
Mabel Blaster: Please, call me Mabel!
Jeremy Hoffman: Okay.
Mabel Blaster: Now, Jeremy, you are known as the moving force behind the classic futuristic science-fiction movie “Soylent Green”, in which people are given a mysterious food substance by the government.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes, I’m very proud of “Soylent Green”, which starred Charlton Heston. In fact, I brought a clip of the dramatic conclusion.
Mabel Blaster: Oh, great, let’s take a look at it, then! The dramatic conclusion to “Soylent Green”.
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is made of people! People!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Boy, it just gives you a chill to realize that Soylent Green is made of people, doesn’t it?
Jeremy Hoffman: It does.
Mabel Blaster: Now, a couple of years later, you made a sequel to “Soylent Green”?
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as successful. That one was called “Soylent White”.
Mabel Blaster: Oh. I understand we also have a clip from that film..
[ clip opens on two Executives typing, with huge stacks of typing paper behind them ]
Executive #1: You know, even in our modern and futuristic world, I’m surprised at how much paperwork there is.
Executive #2: Hmm.. me, too.. But at least we have a cheap and virtually inexhaustible supply of typing paper, now that it’s made out of Soylent White.
Executive #1: Do you ever wonder what’s in Soylent White?
Executive #2: No.
Executive #1: Me, neither.
Charlton Heston: Soylent White is made out of people! It’s made out of people!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Well, that gave me a chill, too, but not quite as much.
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, I’d like to point out that “Soylent White” was not pure fantasy. We did talk to a scientist who told us that if you use the right bleach and enough wood pulp, you actually could make a kind of paper out of people.
Mabel Blaster: Oh.. Well, after “Soylent White”, you made “Soylent Teal”, in which people turned into popular colors of indoor house paints.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah, we did.
Mabel Blaster: And that was followed by a sequel that lost even more money?
Jeremy Hoffman: That would be “Soylent Cow Pies”. I guess you could say that one was a flop.
Mabel Blaster: Here’s a clip.
[ clip opens on a futuristic couple eating a dinner of Soylent Cow Pies ]
Future Man: What a grim world it is here in the year 2527, when the only thing the government gives us to eat is “SCP”
Future Woman: Well, at least it’s hot.
Charlton Heston: Soylent Cow Pies are people! They’re people!!
Future Woman: We though we were eating cow slop!!
Charlton Heston: Noooooo, it’s people!!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: I have to be totally honest – that didn’t give me a chill at all.
Jeremy Hoffman: Uh-huh.. After that, we tried a comedy called “Soylent Stooges”. I don’t even want to discuss that one.
Mabel Blaster: Well, where next for the Soylent pictures?
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, we’ve decided to go back to what got us here in the first place, Mabel. We just finished production on “Soylent Green II”, and I think we have a clip, Mabel..
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn’t change the recipe like they said they were going to! It’s still people!!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Now, that gave me goosebumps!
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah!
Mabel Blaster: Yeah! Thank you for joining us tonight, please stay tuned for “The Big Fat Stinking World of Nature”. I’m Mabel Blaster.
David Koresh…..Mike Myers Richmeister…..Rob Schneider Becky…..Melanie Hutsell Lisa…..Reese Witherspoon
[camera pans outside Mount Carmel Center]
[open on David Koresh, who is using the telephone]
David Koresh: Sir, sir, I am talking about the Seven Seals. Whats not to understand, Mr. Koppel? If the Bible is true, I am Jesus Christ. And it is, in Revelations 10:7, that the mystery of Gods declare to His servants the Prophets, that mystery being the knowledge of the Seven Seals. Now, Mr. Koppel, hear this. If they want a conflagration, then so be it. But that not need come to pass. If my statement is read on all 500 radio stations throughout the Southwest midnight tonight, I will release my followers come out peacefully. Copies of the statement will be delivered to the press outside the compound as soon as theyre available. [hangs up phone, sighs, and enters the Copy Room where he begins to make copies]
Richmeister: Jesus! Makin copies!
David Koresh: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: The Christmeister! 500 copies for the Lamb of God!
David Koresh: These have to go out to all the radio stations.
Richmeister: Important statement from the new Messiah! The man with the plan! The Nazarene! Jesus H. Christ!
David Koresh: Just makin copies.
[Becky enters the Copy Room]
Becky: [to Koresh] Hi, honey.
Richmeister: Becky! Wife #5 of the Son of God!
Becky: [to Koresh] Oh, uh, honey, do you need to make a lot of copies?
David Koresh: Yeah, a whole bunch.
Becky: Well, Ill come back.
David Koresh: Okay.
Richmeister: Mrs. Jesus cant make her copies! Christ hogging the machine!
David Koresh: Gee, you know, uh, these copies are coming out so light, you know, I need some toner.
Richmeister: More toner for the Man from Galilee.
[Lisa enters the Copy Room]
Lisa: David
Richmeister: Lisa! Wife #12! Also her age!
Lisa: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: Child bride of the Lamb of God! No age minimum for the King of Kings!
David Koresh: Hey Rich, you wanna hear the statement?
Richmeister: J.C. likes the sound of his voice!
David Koresh: Alright, here it is. Good evening. The living God has something that we need to know and the Seven Seals have seven angels and seven trumpets and they will know
Richmeister: Cut to the chase! Snooze-a-rama! Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
John Goodman: Thank you! It’s great to be back at “Saturday Night Live”, hosting the show during the Storm of the Century!
You know, this is my fourth show, and I want it to be something special..
Anonymous Audience Member: You are special!
John Goodman: [ outburst doesn’t phase him ] On Thursday, I was given a monologue, and the writers said it was perfect for me. It was one of their “abstract comedy concepts”. Well, I kept looking for a way to say, “This isn’t right for me, I’m not an intellectual.” But I couldn’t think of how to tell them without hurting their feelings. Because even though the writers are unfeeling, they’re still pretty sensitive. Anyway, last night after rehearsal, I headed for home and I thought, “How can I tell them that that’s not who I am, that I’m not a New York sophisticate?” So I ended up riding the subway all night, just trying to get my head straight. The guy in the seat next to me said he’d be glad to help me kill the writers. But I thought, “Nah, that’s not me, either!” I guess I was on the D Train when I got off at Columbus Circle, and I heard these four guys at the turnstile, and suddenly it came to me – tonight, I just have to be who I am..
[ The Bravados emerge from the shadow, and begin to sing “So In Love” with John ]
“As we stroll along, together Holding hands, walking all alone (wee woo wee oo) So in love are we two that we don’t know what to do. So in love (so in love) so much in love (so in love)
We stroll along, together I tell you, I need you oh so much I love, I love you my darling can you tell it in my touch?
When we stroll down the aisle, together We will vow to be together till we die (wee woo wee oo) so in love are we two, just can’t wait to say I do so in love, (so in love) so much in love (so in love) so in love (so in love) you and I (you and I)”
Ladies and gentlemen, The Bravados! Alright, we’ve got a great show, Mary J. Blige is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ open on Spokesman walking through a manufacturing plant ]
Spokesman: Hi! Does this ever happen to you?
[ mechanical equipment malfunctions ]
Engineer #1: Looks like the countersink flange went out on the CD-7 unit multiplier, knocking out hydraulic torque to the electric heat riser.
Engineer #2: Again?
Spokesman: Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Most countersink flanges will experience hydraulic torque leak throughout their less than 7,000 RQMs. Especially when coupled with the double-flux lumen switcher. But with Wilson Countersink Flanges and Dorry Flanges, hydraulic torque is allowed to bypass the settling clutch, providing steady wall pressure to the lug manifold and all the seismic rotors. And that goes for 7,000 RQMs, 8,000 RQMs, even up to 10,000 RQMS. That’s right! 10,000!
Engineer #1: There, that does it! With that new Wilson Countersink Flange, this CD-7 should be able to handle vacuum-kickback on all 22 blossom valves!
Engineer #2: Now, if I could just get my kid to mow the lawn!
[ they laugh ]
Spokesman: Wilson Countersink Flanges and Dorry Flanges. Because when you’ve got hydraulic torque leakthrough, every second can mean lost pranktens!
Jack Handey V/O: The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”
Jack Handey V/O: I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 13th, 1993 John Goodman Mary J. Blige None The Bravados Andy Murphy Richmeister in WacoSummary: Self-proclaimed Messiah David Koresh (Mike Myers) will enforce God’s will in Waco, Texas, but first must contend with his copy guy, Richard Laymer (Rob Schneider). Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: With backing vocals from 60’s group The Bravados, John Goodman sings their classic hit “So Much In Love.” Transcript
Wilson Countersink FlangesSummary: The technical jargon is self-explanatory. Transcript
Bear and The BrainSummary: In high school, Bear (John Goodman) acted as bodyguard for the Brain (David Spade). But when Bear visits the Brain in college, he finds that Ox (Chris Farley) is the new protector in town.
Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk About the MoviesSummary: Mabel Blaster (Julia Sweeney) interviews Jeremy Hoffman (John Goodman), the producer of a series of sequels to the sci-fi classic “Soylent Green.” Recurring Characters: Charlton Heston. Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey expresses his annoyance for cheap people. Transcript
Mary J. Blige performs “Reminisce”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Buster Jenkins.
How’d You Do That?Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Linda Richman’s CruiseRecurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Block PartyRecurring Characters: Mr. Henry, Canteen Boy.
Mary J. Blige performs “Sweet Thing”
Turkish Storekeeper
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey compares wise men to stupid men. Transcript
Air Date:
