Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14

92n: Bill Murray / Sting

The Whipmaster

Whipmaster…..Bill Murray
Cowboy…..Tom Davis
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Rich Man…..Phil Hartman
Becky…..Julia Sweeney
Old Man…..Rob Schneider

Jingle: “He’s an expert with a whip
and he rides the Mississip.
The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!”

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “The producers of the show would like to thank Todd Blanston for stepping in to play “The Whipmaster” during contract negotiations with our regular star. The producers would also like to point out that proficiency with a whip is very difficult to achieve and takes many years, and it is hoped that viewers will bear that in mind.”

[ dissolve to interior, River Queen steamship ]

[ Whipmaster enters ]

Cowboy: Say.. aren’t you the man they call the Whipmaster?

Whipmaster: That’s right. Some men use a gun.. some a knife.. others just use a big rock. I use a whip. [ steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: Well, if you’re the Whipmaster, then prove it.

Whipmaster: What’d ya have in mind?

Bartender: Knock this cigar out of my mouth! [ places cigar in his mouth ]

Whipmaster: Very well. If you insist. [ steps back, then repeatedly cracks his whip in an attempt to gain proficiency with it ]

Bartender: [ whip scars burnt on his face, as the cigar flies from his mouth ] Wow! That’s really amazing! You really are the Whipmaster! Allow me to.. buy you a drink. I’ll just get that bottle down there at the end of the bar.. [ starts to walk down there ]

Whipmaster: [ holds up his whip and stops the Bartender ] Why go all the way down there to the end of the bar? Why not make the bottle come to you? [ cracks his whip at the bottle repeatedly, finally taking his whip with both hands and wrapping it around the bottle to pull it closer ]

Rich Man: [ ambles into the bar ] Maybe you’ll let me buy you a drink.

[ Music sting ]

Whipmaster: [ turns and scowls ] Youuu..

Rich Man: You see, Whipmaster, I’m a very rich man. For one thing, I own a silver mine.

Whipmaster: [ angry ] My father owns that mine.. and you know it!

Rich Man: Oh, really? Well, that’s not what the law says! Not as long as I hold this deed. [ pulls out deed and holds it up ] And I intend to keep it.

[ Whipmaster repeatedly cracks his whip toward the deed, until the Rich Man lets go off it. The Cowboy jumps in to toss the deed to the Whipmaster before anyone else gets hurt by his poor aims. ]

Rich Man: You’ve made me your whipping boy for the last time, Whipmaster! [ points gun ]

Whipmaster: Not quite! [ cracks whip, aiming for gun, but hits Rich Man’s crotch instead ]

Rich Man: Owww!!

Whipmaster: [ grabs gun, as Rich Man stumbles out ] I guess he won’t be using that gun for a while!

Bartender: Boy, I’ve never seen whipping like that!

Becky: [ mad ] I thought we had a date, Whipmaster?

Whipmaster: Oh.. Becky.. darling.. sorry.

Becky: Why don’t you take that whip to the dance! [ trots off ]

Whipmaster: [ looks at the camera ] Why don’t I take both of you? [ cracks whip, knocking over fake dummy of Becky to the ground, then reaches over to pick the real Becky up ]

Becky: That whip is one smooth talker!

Whipmaster: [ wraps his whip around her ] That it is. That it is! [ kisses her, as the crowd laughs with him ]

Old Man: [ runs in holding dandelion ] Hey, everybody! Lookit here, the big ol’ dandelion I found!

Whipmaster: [ grins at the crowd, cracks his whip and hits the Old Man in the eye ]

Old Man: Oww!! Oww!!

[ the crowd laughs at the Old Man ]

Jingle: “The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14

92n: Bill Murray / Sting

Hibernol

Husband…..Chris Farley
Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Spokesman…..Phil Hartman

[Open to a bed at nighttime. Husband is coughing as he turns on the lamp at his dresser. He sits up as his wife sits up also.]

Wife: Are you sick again?

Husband: [congested] I’m sorry, honey.

Wife: You just got over the flu.

[Husband grabs a tissue and blows his nose.]

Husband: I guess I can look forward to another month of this.

Spokesman: [offscreen] Not anymore. You don’t have to suffer through cold and flu season this year, thanks to HiberNol.

Husband: Huh?

[Cut to Spokesman, who’s sitting at the foot of the couple’s bed.]

Spokesman: Other flu medicines let you sleep for 8 or 10 hours.

[The camera then pans over to reveal the bottle of HiberNol, which is much larger than a typical bottle of flu medicine.]

Spokesman: HiberNol lets you sleep through the entire flu season, usually between two and three months.

[He takes the measuring cap off the bottle and pours the medicine into it.]

Spokesman: You can’t buy stronger medication… in this country.

[SUPER: “Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage.”]

[He hands the medicine to the husband, who then drinks it.]

Spokesman: Unlike other medicines which contain small doses of mild sedatives, HiberNol contains a powerful narcotic, and plenty of it. HiberNol lets you sleep…

[Husband finishes the drink, starts to feel drowsy, then falls asleep, as his wife kisses him goodnight.]

Spokesman: …and sleep… and sleep… and sleep.

[Husband is then seen sleeping in his bed as outlines are animated over his body.]

Spokesman: While you sleep living off stored body fat, the cold runs its course. And in fact, other colds and flus may come and go, but you won’t even know it, because you’re out cold.

[Cut to the bedroom window, transitioning from a cold snowy day to a sunny spring morning.]

Spokesman: Month after month after month, nature works its healing magic.

Kids: Daddy, daddy!

[They enter the room along with the wife. The husband sits up, and we see that his hair and fingernails are long, and he’s grown a long beard.]

Wife: Feeling better, honey.

Husband: I feel great! The cold’s all gone! Did I miss anything?

Wife: Not much.

Husband: [disappointed] Oh, I missed the Super Bowl, didn’t I?

Wife: I’ve got it right here.

[She hands him a VHS tape of the Super Bowl and chuckles.]

Husband: I love you, honey.

Spokesman: HiberNol. It knocks your cold out while you’re out cold. From the makers of ComaDose.

[fade out]

Submitted by: Shane Jones

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14

92n: Bill Murray / Sting

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Claude Kaufman…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Adam Sandler
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney

Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. Again, filling in for Paul Baldwin, who, thank God, is on his very last cross of treatment for his shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. With me is a neighbor – I met him in the laundry room. He’s a tall drink of water. He lives in 4C, please welcome Claude Kaufman.

Claude Kaufman: Thank you, Linda.

Linda Richman: Give ’em a kick – tell ’em what you do.

Claude Kaufman: Well, I am a casting agent I cast real people for hidden camera and testimonial commercials, and I work mostly in grotesques.

Linda Richman: It’s god to focus. [ puts her hand on Claude’s knee ] May I tell the story? [ Claude nods ] Claude used to weigh seven hundred pounds.

Claude Kaufman: I got tired of weighing a metric ton, so I went on Deal-a-Meal. And, the night I reached my goal weight, Richard Simmons drove past my house, honked his horn and waved at me and pulled away.

Linda Richman: That’s a beatuful story. So, he really does do that. What a nice man. [ tries to hold back her tears ] I’m a little farklempt! Talk amongst yourselves. Here’s a topic: Did Truman drop the atomic bomb to defeat the Japanese or to scare the Russians? Discuss. [ she holds it all in ] There. I feel better. Okay, Tuesday night, right? I’m up all night, couldn’t sleep. And then, at 8:38, they announce the Oscar nominations.. and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated for anything.

Claude Kaufman: But, Linda, she didn’t do anything this year.

Linda Richman: Still, they should give her an Oscar just for keeping her nose. Claude, talk to me. Who’s gonna win what? Talk.

Claude Kaufman: It’s very hard to say. Oscar is a very fickle young man. Why wasn’t Jack Lemmon nominated for “Glengarry Glenn Close”?

Linda Richman: I don’t know. Did you see that movie? His performance was like butter. It’s true. He had “Hotel Bar” written all over it. It was a Land O Lakes moment. Okay, let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Give us a call, we’ll talk – no big whoop.

Caller #1: Hello? Claude? I’m a grotesque seeking employment, but that’s a separate call. Were there any surprise nominations for Best Actor?

Claude Kaufman: Yes. Martin Downey, Jr. for “Chaplin”. I never cared for his talk show, I thought it was too controversial. And I feel that Oscar is a moderate, and will ignore that.

Linda Richman: True. I like Al Pacino – he’s to die for! You know, he’s yummy.

Claude Kaufman: Strong.

Linda Richman: Yes. But all his shouting gave me ADJETA, I’m sorry. “I’m in the dark here! I’m in the dark here!”

Claude Kaufman: Screaming.

Linda Richman: P.S., long story – you’re blind, we know. Okay? Give the boy a break, he’s on SCULLISHE. Okay. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.

Caller #2: Hello? Uh, Claude’s cute! Is he available?

Linda Richman: No!

Claude Kaufman: Yes. Well, yes, I am open to beautiful, romantic adventure, and to sharing.

Linda Richman: [ feeling coy ] Okay, let’s get to Directors.

Claude Kaufman: Oscar, I think, is dying to give it to Clint Eastwood for “The Unforgiven”. And if he wins for Best Director, you have to win for Best Picture. It’s the law in the state of California.

Linda Richman: I have a question: How could they have nominated “Prince of Tides”, and not nominate Barbra.

Claude Kaufman: Oscar is only human, born to make a few mistakes. “A Few Good Men” is nominated, but Rob Reiner has to call his mother and say that she’s not going to the Oscars.

Linda Richman: How can they do that?

Claude Kaufman: It’s cruel, but I can sum it up with one word: “Meathead”.

Linda Richman: It’s true. They did it to Laverne and her baseball movie, with that kurva Madonna.

Claude Kaufman: We love Opie – Oscar does not. Go figure.

Linda Richman: Who knew? They did the same thing to Woody Allen.

Claude Kaufman: Don’t get me started. He’s a friend of a friend.

Linda Richman: What that man has gone through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s a SHANDA! [ near tears ] There. I’m ferklempt again. Alright, that’s all the time we have. I’m Linda Richman. Claude Kaufman, you are coming back.

Claude Kaufman: I told you, when you magically appeared with all those quarters, that there are two questions: What time? and: What do I wear?

Linda Richman: I’ll tumble for you. Okay, that’s all the time. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14

92n: Bill Murray / Sting

I’m Chillin’

Onski … Chris Rock
B Fats … Chris Farley

[The “I’m Chillin'” clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladiesin Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfitsshake their groove things as music plays and the “I’mChillin'” logo appears.]

Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”

Singers V/O: Hip-hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Hey!

[B Fats dances into the room and pauses with one armraised to herald the arrival of his smaller, thinnercolleague, Onski. The two sit down on the club sofa –but not until Onski has pulled a gun from his pantsand dropped it by the door. The dancing ladies exit asthe two guys, wearing shades, denim outfits andcolorful headgear, address the camera.]

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — what’s up! Welcome to “I’mChillin’!” I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree,to the T.O.P. Yo! It’s all about ME! And sittin’ by myside is my main man, the dapper rapper, thetoe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a,the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like youshops at the Gap-a! It’s B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell’em how you feel!

B Fats: Yo, I’m drivin’ my car, makin’ lots o’dough/Knockin’ suckers out like Riddick Bowe!

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Nowbefore I start the sh-iz-ow – before I start thesh-iz-ow – I want to say, “What’s up?!” to a newsponsor. That’s right! That’s right! I want to say,”What’s up?!” to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds upa bottle of the product] That’s right! You know, I puta little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thingyou kn-iz-ow, I’m in the middle of a house sandwich!Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!

B Fats: Naw, man, I don’t like Marky Mark.

Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heardyou got “Good Vibrations” on CD!

B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain’t nothin’ but VanillaIce in his drawers.

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — you got that right, yo man. Thatkid, Marky Mark couldn’t rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee!Yo, Bizee! It’s about that time!

B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onksi: Naw, Bizee.

B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?

[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other.B Fats just shrugs.]

Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It’s time for the Mother Joke ofthe Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that playsunder the following:] Yo! Today’s Mother Joke comes tous from Pam Brown — Br-iz-own — of the HorzyPr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know theone where they found that body at. And it goes alittle sumpin’ like this: “Your mother’s butt is sowide that when she backs up, it beeps!” Yo, Don Pardo,tell her what she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearinghair extensions] You win… hair extensions! Over ayear’s supply or three miles’ worth, whichever comesfirst.

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tellher what else she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-upcomic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone – his face isblanked out with an arrow labeled “YOU!” pointing toit] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impressyour relatives! Make fun of that white guy in theaudience! [rap beat out]

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo!Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere videofrom my man, Ice-T called “Fireman Killer” — right?[Onski’s pager, attached to his headgear, startsbeeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta dothat next w-iz-eek. You know what I’m sayin’? ‘Causeright n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby’s motherfrom her GED class. You know what I’m sayin’? She’sstudyin’ to be a doctor! But ‘member what I alwayssay.

B Fats: Always wipe!

Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone getsin your face, tell ’em “I’m Chillin’!”

[Music and dancing ladies in. Onski exits, apparentlyforgetting to retrieve his gun, and everybody elsedances as the “I’m Chillin'” logo kicks in and wef-iz-ade out.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 20th, 1993

Bill Murray

Sting

Father Guido Sarducci

Steve Martin

David Mandel
Beverly Hills Town MeetingRecurring Characters: Rod Stewart, President Bill Clinton, Tori Spelling, Michael Eisner, Michael Jackson.

Montage

Bill Murray’s Monologue

HiberNolTranscript

The WhipMasterTranscript

Frequent Flyer

Sting performs “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Hank Fielding, Father Guido Sarducci.

Men’s Jazz Dancing Ensemble

Coffee TalkRecurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Transcript

Sting performs “Love Is Stronger Than Justice”

I’m Chillin’Recurring Characters: Onski, B-Fats.

Transcript

Honker at McDonald’sRecurring Characters: Honker.

Sting performs “Every Breath You Take”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

Soap Opera Digest

Helen De Santo…..Julia Sweeney
Trent Derek/Dr. Johnasen…..Alec Baldwin
Nurse…..Melanie Hutsell
Taylor Middleton…..Phil Hartman
David Middleton…..Mike Myers

Helen De Santo: Good morning, and welcome to “Soap Opera Digest”.I’m your host, Helen De Santo, and with us today is actor Trent Derek, oneof the stars of “Doctors, Nurses, and Patients”, the new daytime drama seenweekdays, here on NBC. Welcome, Trent.

Derek Trent: Well, thank you very much, Helen. I’m sure you hearthis all the time, Helen, but you look ravishing!

Helen De Santo: Oh, thank you, Trent! Now, is that you saying that,or your character, Dr. Dirk Johansen.

Derek Trent: No, that’s my opinion, but I’m sure that Dr. Dirkwould agree!

Helen De Santo: Now, you’re best known for a character youused to play -racecar driver, Brace McFadden, on ABC’s “The Love Of Your Life”.

Derek Trent: Oh, yes.

Helen De Santo: Now, Trent, do you research your roles?

Derek Trent: Oh, yes, Helen. When I was playing the part of race cardriver Brace McFadden, I hung around with some auto mechanics so I couldlearn a lot about cars. I learned quite a bit, actually. For instance.. oilfilter, an air filter, the rack and pinion steering, the list literally goeson an on. I used to think that rack and pinion was one word!

Helen De Santo: [ laughs ] And your research of your role as Dr.Johansen?

Derek Trent: Oh, very, very different. Instead of talking tomechanics, I spoke with doctors.

Helen De Santo: Well, let’s take a look at you in action. This isfrom “Doctors, Nurses and Patients.”

[ cut to the scene on the monitor ]

Nurse: Dr. Johansen? Taylor Middleton is here to see you. He’s notscheduled for an appointment. Should I let him in?

Dr. Johansen: Yes, Harriet, by all means.

[ Taylor Middleton is shown in ]

Taylor Middleton: [ enters dramatically ] Hello, Doc. What’s theverdict?

Dr. Johansen: Taylor, I’m afraid we’ve received some very, very badnews. We got the results from your u-rine test. Remember, you toldme it had been some time since you had last evacuated your bowls.There appears to be some trouble with your colin.

Taylor Middleton: Is it –?

Dr. Johansen: Look, I’m going to be straight with you, Taylor. Webelieve it might be a poly-ip. It might be the Big C – Canker.Let’s not jump to any conclusions right now. It might be benig-n,it might be malig-nant. Let’s just hope it’s benig-n.

[ zoom out of TV screen back to Helen and Derek ]

Helen De Santo: Now, I’m not sure I understand what exactly was goingon in that scene, Trent.

Derek Trent: Well, Helen, if you watch the show, you’ll find outlater that it was benig-n, and not malig-nant. It was ContractNegotiation time for Vince Taylor, who plays the part of Taylor. They werethinking of writing him out of the series.

Helen De Santo: Interesting. Let’s take a look at another scene from”Doctors, Nurses, and Patients”.

[ cut to the scene on the monitor ]

Nurse: Dr. Johansen? David Middleton, Taylor Middleton’s son, is hereto see you. He doesn’t have an appointment. Should I send him in?

Dr. Johansen: Thanks, Harriet, send him in. [ Taylor Middleton isshown in ] Hello, David. Have a seat.

David Middleton: [ sits ] Look, Doc.. if there’s something wrongwith my Dad, I want you to tell me the truth, okay? I can take it.

Dr. Johansen: Alright, Son.. there is something wrong with yourfather’s anal canale. They found a poly-ip.

David Middleton: Look, I don’t know if I want to hear this!

Dr. Johansen: Dave, Dave, Dave! Your Mom needs you to be strong now,Son! David.. this is the part of the job I hate most. There’s no class at Yallie Medical School that can prepare you for this! David, I’ll do all I can, I promise you! [ David twitches and slumps over in his chair ] Harriet! [ Nurse rushes in as Dr. Johansen looks in David’s mouth ] We’ve got a emergency! There’s something lodged in his es-o-fay-gus! It may permanently endanger his larry-en-ex!

Nurse: Yes, Doctor.

[ zoom out of TV screen back to Helen and Derek ]

Helen De Santo: Well, thank you, Trent, for visiting with us today.We’d like to wish you the best in the future. By the way, what’s in storefor you?

Derek Trent: Well, Helen, actually I’ll be appearing in a motionpicture based on the story of composure Frederic Choppin’. Small part.

Helen De Santo: Good luck. [ to the camera ] And we’d like to thank you for joining us today. Bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Rob Schneider
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Paul McCartney

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! No, no, no, no! Thank you very much, it’s great to be back here in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the third time. And I want you to know that the great thing about doing the show three times, is that you really start to understand the way the show works. You begin to see that this show.. is truly the essence.. of the New York experience. Let me show you what I mean. I have to make a costume change for my next sketch – come with me! [ steps off Home Base and heads backstage, passing Wally the cue card man along the way ] Hey, Wally, how’s it going?

Cue Card Man: Fine, Mr. Baldwin. Hey, look, I printed your lines in blue, just the way you like ’em!

Alec Baldwin: [ takes a wad of bills from his pocket and distributes it to Wally ] Mmm.. beautiful.. hey, Wally, really.. you’re doing a great job, Wally! Thank you.

Cue Card Man: Thank you, Mr. Baldwin!

[ Alec passes Stage Manager Joe Dicso on his way to the hall ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey, uh, Joe, I just want to go backstage, is that all right with you?

Joe Dicso: Oh, sure thing. [ yelling at a group of crew members ] Hey, fellas! Get that outta the way for Mr. Baldwin! Right away!

Alec Baldwin: [ distributes a wad of bills to Joe ] Oh, hey, Joey.. thanks very much! Early Christmas for you and the boys, you know what I’m saying, Joe?

Joe Dicso: Ohhh, yes, sir!

[ Rob Schneider passes Alec in the hall ]

Rob Schneider: Hey, Alec, you got a minute?

Alec Baldwin: Walk with me here, Robbie.

Rob Schneider: Alright. I though about what you said, and, you know what? I think you’re right. So I had the writer make the change. And, you know what? It is better!

Alec Baldwin: Hey, that’s great! You know – Rob – it’s really, really great working with you! [ puts wad of bills in Rob’s hand ] I think you’re a very talented, man, too, and I mean that.

Rob Schneider: Hey, thanks, you know.. I do this.. it’s my job.

[ Melina Root enters to prep Alec for a costume change ]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! There we go. I gotta get this quick costume change.. let’s see that jacket here.. Yeah! Yeah, perfect, perfect! [ takes out a large bill ] Hey, Melina, can you break a fifty? Ha ha! Just kidding! [ hands her the bill ] Pick yourself up something nice for me, Melina, okay? [ enters Control Room ] Hey, everybody! He-ey!

Control Room: Hey, Alec!!

Alec Baldwin: Hey, Davy.. I’m not gonna get to see you right after the show is over, so I wanted to thank you in advance for all those juicy close-ups – you know how much I love those close-ups, Davy.

Dave Wilson: You know.. it-it’s gonna be impossible to get all the close-ups you asked me for, Alec.. This is live television, we have limitations.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, Davy, you think you might be able to.. [ hands over a wad of bills ] ..reposition the B camera? You know what I’m saying to you, babe?

Dave Wilson: [ chuckles ] I see what you mean!

Alec Baldwin: Ah! The rest of you people – thanks for a great week! Really! [ throws wads of bills through the air ] Thank you!! Yeah!!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels in the hall, talking to Paul McCartney ]

Lorne Michaels: I just assumed George would have given you the money..

Paul McCartney: No, I-I never even heard from George..

Lorne Michaels: I mean, I can’t be responsible for that. I mean, he said that he would take care of the band.. [ notices Alec enter ] Ah! Alec, how’s it going?

Alec Baldwin: Lorne. Everything is absolutely.. perfect! [ hands Lorne a wad of bills, which is graciously accepted ] And I mean that! And, hey, Paul, what can I say? It’s an honor, really! Thanks for doing the show! [ hands Paul a wad of bills ] Pick up a couple of drinks for the band for me, okay?

[ Alec returns to Home Base, to thunderous applause ]

Thank you! Thank you! Alright, we have a great show tonight.. if you could give me a little applause here, I’ll, uh, take care of all of you after the show! [ audience applauds wildly ] Paul McCartney is here! Yeah! Don’t go away, we’ll be right back! [ throws wads of bills toward the audience ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

The Gap

Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Customer…..Mike Myers
Todd…..Alec Baldwin
Todd’s buddy…..Tim Meadows
Cindy the Manager…..Chris Farley
Tracy…..Rob Schneider

[Establishment shot : a GAP boutique]

[GAP Girls are standing beside Customer, who’s wearing a huge oversized pair of pants]

Kristy : [Talking to Customer] Those… look great!

Lucy : Definitely!

Customer : Are you sure? They’re even bigger than the last pair I’ve bought and those were pretty huge….

Lucy : Did you stitched that?

Customer : …Mmm I’ve tried them it with a belt and–

Kristy : You can’t do that! You got to “finch’em”!

Lucy : Yeah! We told you to stitch’em!

Kristy : Yeah! You just paperbag’em out and stitch’em!

Customer : …Well, you know it’s just–

Lucy : Okay, you’re just gonna stitch‘em and then you’ll see…

Kristy : You’ll love’em!

Lucy : Okay? So-Bye!

[Customer leaves towards the cash register]

Lucy : [looking at customer leaving] He was so, not my type!

Kristy : Oh wait did I tell you? I finally saw “A Few Good men” last night.

Lucy : Oh really I haven’t seen that, how was that?

Kristy : Um okay, Tom Cruise, is like, a lawyer, or something, and he’s, he’s all: “I want the truth about the war!” and Jack Nicholson’s all: “Um you can’t handle the truth” and Tom Cruise was all:” But, I want it anyways”.. or whatever ‘t’was good!

Lucy : Tom Cruise is so yummy!