Cluckin’ ChickenSummary: The disembodied head of Clucky the Cluckin’ Chicken (Adam Sandler) narrates the tale of how chickens are chopped and prepared for mass consumption and excretion. Note: Repeat from 11/21/92.
The Mimic
The Chris Farley ShowSummary: A very nervous Chris Farley stumbles through an interview with Paul McCartney. He’s ultimately more at ease asking McCartney about the “Terminator” movie. Transcript
Paul McCartney performs “Get Out of My Way”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Adam Sandler performs his song “Red-Hooded Sweatshirt”, with audience participation from Paul and Linda McCartney.
Soap Opera DigestSummary: Helen De Santo (Julia Sweeney) interviews Trent Derek (Aec Baldwin), a soap opera actor who mangles the pronunciations of major medical terminology. Transcript
The GapRecurring Characters: Christy, Lucy, Cindy. Transcript
Naked Woman Theatre
Daily AffirmationRecurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.
Paul McCartney performs “Biker Like An Icon”
The BodyguardRecurring Characters: Whitney Houston.
…..Kevin Nealon Opera Man…..Adam Sandler Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers Keith Richards…..Mick Jagger
Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon.
Well, President Clinton went jogging Tuesday morning, and saw his shadow. Meaning six more weeks of a screwed-up White House transition.
And now, our top story: With the Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood controversies hardly over with, the Clinton administration was rocked by a third scandal this week, when Communications director George Stephanapolis was caught trying to buy beer with a fake driver’s license.
In light of Kimba Wood’s withdrawal from consideration as Attorney-General, the White house has added five new questions to its candidate-screening process. #1: Have you ever hired an illegal alien? #2. Are you sure? #3. Are you absolutely sure? #4. Seriously. Don’t jerk us around here. And #5. Alright, let’s move on now – True or False, I have hired an illegal alien.
The Clinton administration has narrowed its search for a possible Attorney General to those they definitely know never hired an illegal alien babysitter. Topping the list is David & Sharon “Home Alone” Shoe, of St. Charles, Illinois.
Former Vice-President Quayle has sold his memoirs for over one million dollars. The publishers said that the book will be titled: “Wow! I Sold My Memoirs For Over One Million Dollars!”
And, this week, J. Edgar Hoover’s application to the Army was posthumously rejected. That’s too bad.
The Los Angeles Federal Court is preparing for the trial of the L.A. police officers accused of beating Rodney King nearly two years ago. Although jury screening has begun, police are still out on the street rounding up potential jurors, just in case.
Kevin Nealon: And now, with a look at people and places in the news, here’s Weekend Update’s Opera Man.
Opera Man: Grazie, Kevin! Grazie!
[ “Gays In Military?” headline ] “Lifto ban-oh, limpa wrista Pentagon es mucho piss-dah Watchah da backah, watchah da crotchie Itssa Seargeant Liberace!”
[ Hillary Clinton ] “Hillary! La advisor! Hillary! Aggressivah! Hillary! Power trip-ah! El Presidente es pusso whip-ah!”
[ Superbowl ] “Buffalo destroyedo El choke-oh third yearo Operaman devestateoh Lose-oh mucho dinero! Ah ah ah ah ah ah!”
[ Al Gore dancing ] “Gore-oh, no more-oh! Stoppah! You scar-ah da bambinos!”
[ Harry Connick, Jr. ] “You unnah arrestah You unnah arrestah. Aero porto no sweet You pack-ah da heat You unnah arrestah.”
[ Prince Charles ] “970-CHARLES-oh Heavy breatho Get it on-ah En Camillah’s pantalones Senor Chucko is tampona!”
[ “Operaman” ] “Das all, datsa de endah! Operaman Bye-i-i-i-i-ye.. byyyyyyyyyye!”
[ roses are thrown at Opera Man ]
Oh, no! Grazie! Ohy, yes!
Kevin Nealon: Opera Man!
Dr. Jack Kevorkian helped two more patients commit suicide this week, taking them in his car and escorting them to the drive-in window of the local Jack-In-The-Box.
And a recent study indicates that cellular phone users may be more likely to develop brain tumors. The problem has gotten very little public attention, however, since most people don’t care if people who use cellular phones die.
Donald Trump, this week, announced plans to build the world’s largest casino in Israel – the Trump Taj Ma-Hava-Nagila.
Kevin Nealon: This week, Warner Brothers’ Records dropped rap artist Ice T from their label, after further controversy over his song “Cop Killer”. Was the decision justified? Here with a Point Counterpoint are Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.
Mick Jagger: It’s outrageous, man! It’s outrageous! Keith, all the dude wants to do is write a bloody tune, man. And these guys are gettin’ all cold for it, you know, it’s all about censorship, man. Censorship – it’s outrageous, it’s outside, man.
Keith Richards: Lemme tell ya something, Mick – that’s rubbish! The police, they serve and protect. They’re the backbone of our bloody society. You gotta stand up for the cats in blue, man! If you didn’t have rules, you’d have.. freakin’ anarchy!
Mick Jagger: It’s the bloody First Amendment, mate. I mean, if you can’t write a song about killing a cop.. I mean, what’s next? Won’t be able to write about killing security guards.. or what – those bloody doormen, with their costumes and their “Nice weather we’re having..” Or.. they want a bloody tip, man! When they really didn’t do anything, you know! I can open a bloody door, you know?
Keith Richards: Mick.. you ignorant slut! All the time, you liberal claptrap.. [ mumbles unintelligibly ]
Mick Jagger: That wasn’t English, Keith! I mean, you’re talking in Esperanto, or some language twins teach each other! I mean, the King’s English, man! I mean, throw us a bone man – alright!
Keith Richards: Listen, man, you’re going sillin’ go with the goin’ bean!
Mick Jagger: What’s that?
Keith Richards: You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.
Mick Jagger: [ singing ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Keith Richards: No, “Man.”
Mick Jagger: You don’t like the “Man”? It’s great, though. Just invert it, Keith.
Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”
Kevin Nealon: Well, Mick, Keith.. thanks for coming. Great! Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, with Point/Counterpoint.
During her performance at the Inaugural, soul singer Aretha Franklin wore a stunning Russian sable fur coat. The coat, made from the pelts of 65 sables that were killed by anal electricution, was set to be worth $60,000. [ Kevin spray paints the image of Aretha Franklin’s fur coat ] Did I say $60,000? I mean $2. I’m sorry.
According to a report in Physicians Weekly, there’s a new movement to replace the word “impotence” with a term that doesn’t benote helplessness. So, from now on, they’ll refer to an impotent man as “erectionally-challenged.”
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
Russell Clark…..Phil Hartman Christian Slater…..David Spade Marky Mark…..Adam Sandler Rick Schroeder…..Luke Perry
Russell Clark: Hello, I’m Russell Clark, Senior Editor of Sassy Magazine! With me in our studio are three of the sassiest young men in America today! Actor Christian Slater —
Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations.
Russell Clark: That’s sassy! Rapper Marky Mark —
Marky Mark: Yeah, come on, come on, come on! You know what it’s like, yeah!
Russell Clark: Very sassy! And actor Ricky Schroeder.
Rick Schroeder: Rick.
Russell Clark: So sassy! [ laughs ] Now, Christian, do you consider yourself “sassy”?
Christian Slater: I don’t know, you tell me.
Russell Clark: I’d say.. sassy! Well, how about you, Marky? Same question: are you “sassy”?
Marky Mark: Yeah, youknow.. come on, come on, that’s buggin’, yeah!
Russell Clark: Sassy, anyone? [ laughs ] Now, Ricky..
Rick Schroeder: Rick.
Russell Clark: Ricky..
Rick Schroeder: Rick.
Russell Clark: Okay, Rick Are you “sassy”?
Rick Schroeder: Sass.
Russell Clark: The French have a word for it – sassé! [ laughs ] Christian, tell me, please how do you explain your sassiness?
Christian Slater: Well, I always say life is like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride – we’re all just hanging on and someday it’s gonna crash.
Russell Clark: Somebody say “sassy”? Now, Marky, your brother Donny Wahlburg produces all your albums, so settle a question for us: between you and your brother, who would you say is the more “sassy”?
Marky Mark: Yeah, that is large, man, he’s on my jock, buggin’ with the three nipples.. Check this out! [ drops his pants and starts dancing ] Come on! Come on!
Russell Clark: The word “sassy” comes to mind. Now, Rick, I thought you were sassy back when I first saw you in “The Champ”, and yet, you were only six years old at that time.
Rick Schroeder: [ peeved ] Hey, that was Ricky Schroeder, that was a kid! We’re two different people! I’m Rick Schroeder now, I’m a man!
Russell Clark: [ holds up sign that reads “Sassy” ] Okay, Rick, tell us about your show “Silver Spoons”. Did you find that a “sassy” experience?
Rick Schroeder: It was okay.
Christian Slater: Ah, that was you in “Silver Spoons”? Hey, quite a performance, I found it riveting!
Rick Schroeder: Hey, I’m not that kid any more! That was Rick-y!
Russell Clark: I feel like I’m in a sassy sandwich!
Rick Schroeder: Who are you talking to, man, come on.
Russell Clark: No one. Never mind.
Marky Mark: Yo, come on, check this out! [ drops his pants and dances ] Come on! Come on! Come on!
Russell Clark: Let’s put it to a vote. Audience?
Audience: Sassy!
Russell Clark: [ chuckles ] Well, we’re almost out of time. I’d like to thank Rick, Mark and Christian for joining me today, and come back soon.
Rick Schroeder: Oh, thanks for having us..
Christian Slater: We must do this again sometime..
Marky Mark: Yeah, damn!
Russell Clark: If they’re not sassy, I don’t know what is. Good night!
Jack Handey V/O: I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks Guard…..David Spade Crazy Man #1…..Tim Meadows Alan Demming…..Rob Schneider Italian Prime Minister……Giorgio Armani Crazy Man #2…..Kevin Nealon Wrestler…..Chris Farley Lord of Destruction…..Adam Sandler
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, as President Bill Clinton speaks with Alan Demming ]
Alan Demming: Alright… these are my notes. Everything you need is in here. Be careful — [ he glances over his shoulder ] This is my only copy. [ he glances at Hillary ] Who’s that?
President Bill Clinton: [ proudly ] This is my wife Hillary.
Alan Demming: [ whispering ] Can she be trusted?
President Bill Clinton: I think so.
Alan Demming: “THINK so” doesn’t quite cut it! The takes are too high!
Hillary Clinton: [ extending her hand ] Hi! It’s good to meet you. How are you?
[ Bill takes the crumpled newspapers ]
Alan Demming: [ to Hillary ] Nice try. [ he storms off ]
Guard: [ leaning in ] A man proclaiming to be the Prime Minister of Italy.
[ the Prime Minister steps forward ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming, Mr. Prime Minister!
Italian Prime Minister: [ speaks in perfect Italian and kisses Bill’s cheeks ]
President Bill Clinton: This is my wife Hillary.
Italian Prime Minister: Hi, Hillary. [ he shakes her hand, then speaks more Italian ] Nice jacket. [ he fondles Hillary’s breast area ]
Hillary Clinton: Well… thank you for coming. We’ll wake up every morning thinking of you.
Italian Prime Minister: Grazi.
[ he walks off, as Hillary clutches onto Bill ]
Hillary Clinton: Honey, we’ve, uh — we’ve got a little problem here. I’ve just been told that the crazy people we’re talking to are NOT the crazy people who had tickets.
President Bill Clinton: What are you saying? That these crazy people are crashers?
Hillary Clinton: Well, apparently so. And now we’ve got several hundred very angry, very crazy people out on the lawn who feel that they’re being screwed and, frankly, I think they’ve got a point.
President Bill Clinton: Well, okay. Let’s just get through this group.
[ Bill turns to find a crazy man standing before him ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting.
Crazy Man #2: [ angry ] You BLACK son of a bitch!
[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: Later this week: In recognition of National Fitness Month, President and Mrs. Clinton hosted a group of 800 professional wrestlers.
[ dissolve to Bill and Hillary shaking hands with a line of wrestlers ]
President Bill Clinton: Thank you.
[ a second Wrestler lurches forward ]
Wrestler: [ in Bill’s face ] Alright, Clinton!! You did some pretty big talking during the campaign, when you were standing behind a woman’s SKIRT!! Your name should be Bill CHICKEN!! Not Bill CLINTON!! President Bill CHICKEN!!! ‘Cause that’s what you are!! A CHICKEN!!!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, thank you for coming.
[ the Wrestler hapily shakes Bill and Hillary’s hands and continues down the line ]
Guard: [ leaning in ] Lord of Destruction.
Lord of Destruction: LISTEN UP, BILL-O-METER!!! YEAH, BILL-O-METER!! NOT BILL!! THAT’S YOU…!!
[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: On Friday, President Clinton welcomed Italian Prime Minister Giuliano Amato, for talks on trade and currency stabilization.
[ dissolve to Bill Clinton seated with Giuliano Amato ]
President Bill Clinton: Once again, on behalf of all Americans, I want to apologize to Prime Minister Amato for the unfortunate mix-up on Tuesday… and the treatment he received from White House security. I’m sure the Prime Minister understands that, once he wandered onto the bus… there was simply no way, absent an interpretor, to verify that he was the Prime Minister of Italy and not a crazy person… many of whom claim to be visiting heads of state.
Italian Prime Minister: No problem.
President Bill Clinton: The shots he was given will have little or no lasting effect… and we believe he can return to Italy as soon as doctors say he is able to fly. [ he smiles ]
[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 6th, 1993 Luke Perry Mick Jagger None Giorgio Armani Jan Hooks David Mandel Andy Murphy Joe Dicso Open White HouseSummary: President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and wife Hillary (Jan Hooks) welcome an assortment of crazy people to the White House. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Barbra Streisand…..Mike Myers Whoopi Goldberg…..Ellen Cleghorne President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks Chelsea Clinton…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on the Clinton Inaugural Gala, Barbra Streisand finishing the song “People”. ]
Whoopi Goldberg: Barbra Streisand, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah! give it up! This is so nice – this is all for you, Mr. President! Inauguration! Now it’s a new beginning, because it’s like, Bush – he didn’t know, because we was saying, “The people are hungry!” and he was saying, “Barbera, where’s the dog?” You dig, you know? Alright! now, we got a psecial surprise for you – all the way from.. well, I don’t know where she come from, but you know the sister is bad! And she’s here tonight, for you! Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna!
Madonna: Mr. President.. this is for you. [ whispers in song ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”
[ Clinton claps wildly ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”
[ Clinton has a huge smile on his face; Hillary is angry, Chelsea is confused ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”
[ Clinton and Hillary are now fighting over the personal tribute ]
“How.. old.. are.. you now?”
[ Clinton smiles, as Hillary fumes some more ]
“How.. old.. are.. you now?”
[ Hillary gets up to leave, as Clinton persuades her to stay ]
“How.. old.. are.. you, Mr.. Pwesident?”
[ Clinton holds Hillary in his arms, while giving the “Call Me!” signal to Madonna ]
“How.. old.. are.. you now?”
[ audience gives a standing ovation ]
[ Clinton gives Madonna the “Call Me!” signal again, but she shakes hr fingers “No, no”, and acknowledges Chelsea instead, who is pleasantly surprised by the outcome ]
Madonna: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads
Insane Idiot…..Harvey Kietel
Insane Idiot: Hi. Welcome to my Deer Heads. [ stands in front of large Deer Head ] This first Deer Head is a real beauty, as you can see. Big fella, ten pointer, I got him about three years ago.
[ stands next to smaller deer ]
This is a smaller one I shot the next year.
[ stands next to even smaller deer ]
This is a baby deer.
[ stands next to even smaller deer ]
And this one is the baby of that deer.
[ stands next to small pet deer ]
This is a little miniature deer that I got as a pet.. then I got tired of it and shot it.
[ stands next to freakishly small deer ]
Now, this is a little freak deer. A scientist friend of mine developed it – the neighbor’s cat got a hold of it and, luckily, left the head.
[ stands next to a mouse head with fake horns ]
This is a mouse. But I put some little deer horns on it, and I don’t know why. A friend of mine asked me, “Is it a deermouse?” [ laughs ] I said, “I don’t know, but it’d be funny if it was, though!”
[ stands next to a toy deer head ]
This is what we call a toy deer. I bought it at Toys ‘R’ Us, then cut its head off and stuck it up there.
[ stands next to an any mounted on the wall ]
This is a really big ant I found.
[ stands next to three little white dots mounted on the wall ]
And these are its eggs.
[ stands next to a microscope mounted on the wall ]
Now, this. I don’t know if you can get your camera in there or not. Go ahead and look on in there. [ view shows amoeba flaoting around ] In the upper left hand corner – you see that thing? That is a deer – or, at least, that’s my theory. And, if I could get my hands on one of those electron scalpels, or whatever you call them, I think I could cut its head off. [ holds up his empty Scotch glass ] Well, it looks like I knew a refill. [ crosses his row of Deer Heads to his wet bar ]
Announcer: This has been “An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads”.
Jack Handey V/O: I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
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Air Date:
Dateline NBCRecurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.
Madonna, “Fever”