Month: October 2018

Simon

Simon…..Mike Myers
Vinnie Esposito…..Danny Devito

Announcer: It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5 o’clock. I hope you enjoyed all 11 hours of the ‘Norfolk Plowing Competition’, and before that ‘Let’s Have A Look At your Willie’ with Dick Smitten. And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend Simon.

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!”

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawerings. Today, I have an American friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas holidays in Atlantic City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? [Audience cheers] Okay, his name is Vinnie Esposito and he’s ever so friendly.

Vinnie: Yo, how you doin’?

Simon: My dad works for a big American company and might be getting into business with his dad.

Vinnie: My old man’s in construction.

Simon: Just like me, Vinnie doesn’t have a mummy. My mummy’s with the angels.

Vinnie: My mummy’s sleepin’ with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.

Simon: Vinnie, didn’t you think that Christmas in Atlantic City was ever so fun?

Vinnie: It didn’t suck.

Simon: I had a great Christmas. All Christmas day long I played the slot machines by myself, and every 2 hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilets.

Vinnie: Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking, I made.

Simon: I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey! Anyways, I did a drawering at the casino. Do you want to see it? Do you? Do you? [audience cheers] [Simon bends down to get drawing] Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don’t look. Okay, this is a drawering of my daddy at the Roulette table. He’s shouting for more credit. “Give me more credit”, he said. So I said, “All right then. I think you’re a great daddy, and I think this is the best Christmas ever”. But evidentaly, that’s not the kind of credit he needed, and he was wisked away into a darkened room. Do you have any Christmas drawerings, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yes I do. [Vinnie bends down to get drawing] Were you lookin’ at my ass? Don’t look at my ass! Ass-looker! [To Simon] They was lookin’ at my ass!

Simon: Don’t let ’em. Don’t let ’em. Don’t.

Vinnie: Okay. It’s a drawering of Joey “The Neck” Vatelli dressed up as Santa. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he told me sometimes Santa Claus gotta get wacked.

Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right then. This is a drawering of one of my Christmas presents from my Auntie Mollie. It’s a year’s membership to the Chocolate Bar of the Month Club. January is Cadbury’s Goosberry month.

Vinnie: Well, this is what I got. This is a BB gun. I use it for shooting rabits and other small vermin.

Simon: I got another present. It was from my former nanny, who’s a hippie. It’s a vest made out of ma-crah-me.

Vinnie: You mean macrame.

Simon: All she does is eat toffu all day long.

Vinnie: You mean tofu.

Simon: If you like. And she even grows her own ore-gahn-o.

Vinnie: That’s oregano, you limey freak!

Simon: My daddy says that Americans and British people are seperated by a common language.

Vinnie: All’s I know is that my dad could take your dad.

Simon: That’s probably true because sadly my dad doesn’t carry firearms. Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Vinnie. Have a happy new year!

Vinnie: Happy new year, Simon.

Simon: Did it just get warmer in here again?

Vinnie: Maybe.

Simon: Cheeky monkey! Bye Bye!

Vinnie: Bye!

[ Simon and Vinnie throw bubbles int he air, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.”

[ fade ]

Thanks to Kelly Bumford for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

“Sex” on Tape

Sound Operator…..Kevin Nealon
Al Goldstein…..Danny DeVito
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Book Executive…..Adam Sandler
Technician…..Rob Schneider

[ actor Charlton Heston and Screw magazine editor Al Goldstein are converting Madonna’s “Sex” book to tape ]

Sound Operator: Books on Tape. The book is “Sex”, by Madonna; text by Charlton Heston; and photo interpretation by Al Goldstein. Page 63. Okay, let’s try one.

Charlton Heston: Uh.. I’m having a problem with the word at the top of the page.

Sound Operator: Which one?

Charlton Heston: The “P” word. Couldn’t I just say “vagina”?

Al Goldstein: Heston, you sound like an old whore. Read it the way Madonna wrote it! Show some respect!

Charlton Heston: I’m sorry.. I’m just uncomfortable with it. I understand what you’re saying. You want something young and hip – I could say something like.. furburger?

Book Executive: [ to the Sound Operator ] No, no, no! Tell him that’s not going to work.

Charlton Heston: Gene Tierney had a funny word for it – the Erie Canal..? Or the Suez.. what was it..? [ reflective ]

Sound Operator: Hold on a second, Mr. Heston, we have to come up with a decision in here.. [ huddles up with the Book Executive and the Technician ]

Technician: Look, let him say what he wants. I can fix it in the post. I’ll sample the tape, we’ll build a word. Remember yesterday, on page 53, he said “thrust and push”? I’ll just use the syllable “push”, and I’ll add an “E” to it. Then, we’ve got our word.

Book Executive: Okay, whoa, whoa.. “Pushy“? He’s gonna be saying, “I like my pushy“? “I like to look at my pushy“? What’s that?

Technician: I can take the “H” out!

Sound Operator: If you say so. [ leaning up to the microphone ] Alright, Mr. Heston? “Vagina” will be fine. Alright, we’re gonna keep the tape rolling.. and, Al? When Mr. Heston is through reading on page 63, you can pick up with the photos on 64 and 65, down to.. “Two Scary Lesbos on a Raft.”

Al Goldstein: Down to the lesbos, alright.

Sound Operator: Okay, and then we’ll break for lunch. Let’s bring one down.

Al Goldstein: Got it.

Charlton Heston: [ reading ] “I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror, when I’m undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair. Sometimes I sit at the edge of my bed, spread my legs and stare into the mirror, and wonder what others see. I love my vagina. It is the complete summation of my life.” [ turns the page ]

Al Goldstein: [ taking over, describes the pictures ] Oh, man! This next page, I don’t believe what I’m looking at! [ laughs ] She’s completely naked. She’s got a full-length mirror on the floor.. and she’s sitting on it, like she’s getting ready to snap the ball to Warren Moon! Madonna, you are such a whore! [ turns the page ] On this next page, she’s sitting on the old guy’s lap. She’s wearing anklets, and white cotton panties with nothing on top! I’m telling you – this makes me soooo horny! And, I gotta tell you – there’s a difference between horny and horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: [ interrupting with his thoughts ] You know, Ernie Borgnine had a thing for white cotton panties..

Book Executive: [ annoyed ] What is he doing?

Sound Operator: [ into the microphone ] Mr. Heston, try not to ad-lib, okay?

Charlton Heston: Sorry.

Sound Operator: Hey look, as long as we’re stopped, let’s break for lunch. When we come back, we’ll pick up on page 66.

Charlton Heston: Page 66? That’s where’s she’s whipping a room full of naked men while wearing a formal?

Al Goldstein: [ excited ] Yeah, that’s it! It’s kind of horny, but not.. horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: Ah, yes..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,
and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body, looking down on it,
I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit
and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.
This would coax the spirit to return to his body.
If that didn’t work, I’d put the body’s hand
on the breast of a nurse.
That ought to do it.
In any case, I’d take the $100 bill back
before he woke up.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 9th, 1993

Danny DeVito

Bon Jovi

Mike Ditka

Jan Hooks

Bon Jovi, “Bed of Roses”

Swerski Protest Letter

Recurring Characters: Super Fans.

Danny DeVito’s Monologue

Canis

(Rerun) See: 09/26/92.

Aaron Spelling’s Amy Fisher, 10516

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

Masterpiece Theatre

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Shifty Eyes

Deep Thoughts

Coaxing a spirit.

Amy Fisher: One Messed-Up Bitch

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Bon Jovi performs “Bed of Roses”

Also Performed: 94m, 00s, 07c.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.

Gap Girls

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy.

Sex On Tape

Unbelievable New Breakthroughs

Secret Hitman

Bon Jovi performs “Wanted Dead or Alive”

Adults Still Living with Their Parents

SNL Transcripts

What’s the Best Way

Stanley Sperrow…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler
Katie McGregor…..Glenn Close
Wayne Dunbar…..Phil Hartman
Kalahari Bushman…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: From Boston Mass, right off the Mass Turnpike, it’s What’s The Best Way – All right, here’s your host, Stanley Sperrow –

Stanley Sperrow: Hello, welcome to What’s the Best Way, the only game show by New Englanders, for New Englanders. Ok folks, ready to play?

Contestants: Aya, aya.

Stanley Sperrow: Some weather we’re having.

Contestants: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Nor’easter.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, 1st question. How do you get from Providence Rhode Island, to Worchester Mass?

(Tony buzzes in)

Tony Vallencourt: Ok, whatcha gotta do is get on 95 north, follow that to 495, then ya take that for about an hour. Then your gonna see signs for the Mass Pike. Ok get into the far (fah) left lane, then take the Mass Pike west and you’ll see this WICKED huge Radio Shack. That’s where ya get off, and you’re in Worchester, you’re right there pal.

Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct, yep, ok, here we go. Ok, who’s got directions from Quincy Mass, to to Jordan Marsh (Jahdan Mahsh) department store in Bedford, New Hampshire?

(Katie buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Katie.

Katie McGregor: Ok, now you wanna take 93 north to Route 3, now the Jordan Marsh is off exit 6, and it’s one, uh two, um 3 traffic lights. But ifyou’re heading up there, you really ought to eat breakfast at Shirley’s Pancake House, now it’s close-by, and they have wonderful peach cobbler – but don’t go ona Sunday, cause the after-church crowd is bound to –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh, sorry, that’s more than we need.

(Wayne buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Wayne.

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok – from Quincy to the Jordan Marsh in Bedford, alright, well there are several ways to get there, lets see, well the old route 14 used to go straight there – you just follow the Merrimack River – but that was before the war – so – now you’d have to –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Sorry, we have a time limit.

Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.

(Tony buzzes in)

Tony Vallencourt: Ok, its 93 north to 3, but its four traffic lights, you hit a Chevron station, and a little past that there’s gonna be a retarded (retahded) kid selling fireworks. Hang a left by him you’re at the Jordan Marsh pal.

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Oh, sorry. The correct answer is 93 north to 3 north, exit 6, but you hang a right at the retarded kid, and if you cut through the Bedford Mall parking lot you save yourself 5 minutes.

Tony Vallencourt: Is that right pal?

Stanley Sperrow: Oh yeah. Ok, lets meet our contestants. First, Tony Vallencourt. You’re an electrical contractor, you enjoy that?

Tony Vallencourt: Oh yeah, pissah.

Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?

Tony Vallencourt: I snow plow the K-Mart plaza parking lot and, uh,candlepin bowling.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, Katie McGregor. You work at a wicker shop?

Katie McGregor: Aya, I’m part (paht) owner.

Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?

Katie McGregor: I like to make pottery, and I like to candlepin bowl.

Stanley Sperrow: Ah – and Wayne Dunbar, you’re retired?

Wayne Dunbar: Aya.

Stanley Sperrow: And in your free time?

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Oh, you know, go out on the porch – look out at the stars – and candlepin bowling.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok folks, back to our game. From Hartford to Sturbridge –

(Katie buzzes in)

Katie McGregor: Ok, now that’s straight on route 84, but you’re gonna want to avoid the tourist traps up there, now, if you go up Manhill Road,you’ll see a pretty Bed and Breakfast in Bradford – but that’s a little out of your way, but it’s very reasonable. And there’s a farm (fahm) down the hill where you can get fresh Maine blueberries, of course, but that’s only in the summer –

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Sorry Katie, I didn’t finish the question. From Hartford to Sturbridge, how many Dunkin Donuts along the way?

(Tony buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: Fourteen.

Stanley Sperrow: Correct! Bonus point for each drive-thru.

Tony Vallencourt: – Four

Stanley Sperrow: That’s right!

Tony Vallencourt: Yeah, and the one in Caucus got this WICKED fat kid workin’ there.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, from Boston (Bahston) Mass to Nashua New Hampshire.

(Wayne buzzes in)

Wayne Dunbar: Can’t get there from here.

(Wrong answer)

Stanley Sperrow: Sorry, you can.

(Tony buzzes in)

Stanley Sperrow: Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: Boston to Nashua? You goin’ up there to buy liquor pally?

Stanley Sperrow: Aya, no sales tax.

Tony Vallencourt: Alright, you just gotta shoot up 95, but watch your ass crossin’ over the border. Those state troopers are outa control.

Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct Tony!

Tony Vallencourt: Hey, I don’t care if you’re 1 mile over the speed limit, they’re haulin’ your ass into MuniCourt.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony.

Tony Vallencourt: I’m tellin’ ya pal, these guys got a quota and a WICKED radar (radah) gun.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony, the game’s still going here. Newport, Rhode Island to Roxbury Mass.

(Katie buzzes in)

Katie McGregor: What do ya wanna go there for?

Stanley Sperrow: That’s right, there’s no reason to go to Roxbury!

Tony Vallencourt: Hey you can go to Roxbury if you bring your nunchucks pal, I’ll tell you that much.

Stanley Sperrow: A whole lotta crack up there. Ok, homestretch.

Tony Vallencourt: Those maniacs’ll slice ya and dice ya pally.

Stanley Sperrow: Ok Tony. Ok – how do you get from Dorchester Mass, to Mike Bigelow’s house?

(Wayne buzzes in)

Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok, from Dorchester, oh dear, that’s uh,alright, well Dorchester’s south of Shrewsbury, so –

Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh sorry, we could see what was coming.

Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.

(sirens)

Stanley Sperrow: Ok, that means we’re out of time, so Tony, you’re the winner pal. (Music plays, curtain opens) That means you’ll be joining our bonus round over here, and you’ll be joining our Kalahari Bushman,and his innate sense of direction. Welcome back Zelma.

Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Good to be back.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, how do you get from New Milford Connecticut, to the biggest Waterslide in Boothbay Harbor Maine?

(Tony and Bushman give directions, Bushman finishes first)

Stanley Sperrow: The Bushman’s got it! The Bushman’s got it! – Well don’t feel bad Tony; you still win a quart of Block Island Honey.

Tony Vallencourt: That’s wicked good!

Stanley Sperrow: And Zelma, as always you win a pound and a quart of fresh Maine lobster.

Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Pissah.

Stanley Sperrow: Alright, see you next time on “How do You Get There?”.

Katie McGregor: You mean, “What’s The Best Way?”.

Stanley Sperrow: There ya go.

(fade)

Thanks to Victoria for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 12th, 1992

Glenn Close

Black Crowes

Jon Lovitz

Queen Elizabeth

Glenn Close’s Monologue

What’s The Best Way?

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Michael Eisner

Black Crowes perform “Sometimes Salvation”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

Scrooge Changes

Tori Fragrance

Orgasm Guy

Recurring Characters: Orgasm Guy.

Politically-Correct Holiday Gathering

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Black Crowes perform “Non-Fiction”

Drummer Boys

SNL Transcripts

Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High

Steven…..David Spade
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
Dad…..Tom Arnold
Andrew…..Mike Myers
Edward Osgood…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a production of WNET New York in cooperation with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting”

Narrator: And now we bring you the PBS Afterschool Special: “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High.”

[ open on suburban living room, teenager Steve preparing to go out as his parents sit on the sofa ]

Dad: Big date tonight,huh, Steve?

Steve: Yeah! [ laughs ] Dad? Just this once, can I stay out ’til 1 o’clock?

Dad: [ thinking ] How about 12:30?

Steven: Okay, 12:30 it is! Look, I gotta run, I’ll see you!

Mom: Have fun.

Steven: Okay! [ runs out the door ]

Mom: Honey, are you worried about this getting too serious?

Dad: Well, you know, Andrew treats him a lot better than Roger did.

Mom: I know, I never liked that creep Roger. But I am worried that Andrew’s too old for Steven. I mean, he’s a Senior, and he runs with a really fast crowd..

Dad: Honey, Steven is a smart kid, he’s gonna be okay.

[ dissolve to Steven with Andrew in his car, driving down the street ]

Andrew: My, uh.. my parents are out of town this week. Why don’t you stay over? I think it’s time we “go all the way”.

Steven: [ relunctant ] I don’t know..

Andrew: [ angry ] What do you mean, you don’t know?!

Steven: I mean.. I like kissing you and hugging you, and stuff, but.. I’m scared to all the way, I’ve.. never done it before, I’m only a Freshman.

Andrew: Look, everyone’s doing it, okay? It’s no big deal! If you love me, you’ll do it..

Steven: I do love you, Andrew, it’s just that..

Andrew: Hey! I don’t need to be wasting my time with Freshmen, okay? You know, there’s ten guys that would kill to stay with me at my parents’! I scored four touchdowns last week!

Steven: I know! I cheered the loudest! But.. this is all happening too fast.. I can’t think.. it’s too soon..

Andrew: Well, maybe I should just take you back to mommy and Daddy, and you can think about it!

[ dissolve back to the family living room, Mom and Dad still talking ]

Dad: But, you know, really, honey, Andrew, he seems like a good kid.. he’s got his feet on the ground, and he hear he’s quite an athlete. Steven tells me he scored four touchdowns last week!

Mom: Yeah, I suppose dating a big football player is a feather in the cap of a Freshman..

Steven: [ runs in crying, flops on the sofa ]

Mom: Honey, what happened?

Dad: What’s going on?

Steve: [ muffled ] Andrew told me that.. if I don’t do it.. I’m scared.. I don’t want to..”

Dad: Hey, hey, hold on, tiger.. is this about Andrew?

Steven: [ pulls his head out from behind the sofa cushion ] He wants me to.. go all the way.. I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do..

Mom: Well, I think I’d better leave you two.. alone. [ exits ]

Dad: You’re scared, aren’t you? Now, that’s only natural. Andrew means everything in the world to you, doesn’t he? You know, I never told you this, but.. I remember when I was in high school, and I had the biggest crush on Tab Hunter.

Steven: Who’s that?

Dad: Who’s that? Only the most gorgeous hunk of a movie star that ever lit up the silver screen, that’s who! Boy, I was just crazy about him – everything was just “Tab Hunter this..” and “Tab Hunter that..” I thought the sun rose and set around Tab Hunter. Anyway.. then, I met your mother, and, well, you know the rest..

Steven: So, I should do it? Dad, I don’t..

Dad: No, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that. It’s up to you. you’re a big kid, and you’ve got to make your own decisions. [ shakes Steven’s hand, passing a condom to him ]

Steven: Thanks, Dad.

[ cut to the PBS Pledge Studios, Edward Osgood in foreground ]

Edward Osgood: Hello. I’m Edward Osgood, Programming Director of WNET New York. The program you’ve been watching – “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High” – was made possible by a generous grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. But without your contributions, PBS can’t can’t continue to produce this and other fine programs. Programs like “Nude Black Man Today”, “The Fidel Castro 60th Birthday Gala”, and our award-winning 12-part “History of Police Brutality”, hosted by Ice T. Governemnt funding, through your tax dollars, isn’t enough. It’s barely $600 million. So, please call and pledge morem oney, operators are standing by. And, if you’re pledging $30 or more, specify whether you’d like the Robert Maplethorpe Tote Bag, or the Abortion Yes Umbrella! We now return to “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High”.

[ cut back to the program, Steven at hi hogh school locker with a friend ]

Friend: Hey, Steve. Did you and Andrew do it?

Steven: No.

Friend: [ suprised ] No-o? Why not? He’s so excellent!

Steven: I know.. I want to, but.. when he touches me, I get scared, I can’t think, it..

[ on the other side of the hallway, Andrew punches his locker ]

Friend: Uh-oh. I’d better get going. Good luck. [ continues down the hall ]

Steven: [ as Andrew approaches ] Hi.

Andrew: Hi.

Steven: So, is that offer still good for this weekend?

Andrew: [ surprised ] Yeah! Are you serious?

Steven: Yeah. You know.. I was nervous, because it’s my first time and everything, but.. you know, I think it’s right.

Andrew: I have a confession to make – it’s my first time, too.

Steven: [ surprised ] No way, not you!

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Steven: Well, then, you might need this. [ holds up his condom ]

Andrew: [ amazed ] Hey! You might be a Freshman, but you sure think like a Senior. Come on.. walk me to practice.

[ they walk off, screen freezes as Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” plays to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Dogs

…..Tom Arnold
Lead Singer…..Adam Sandler
Backup Singer….. Rob Schneider
Bassist….. Mike Myers
Rhythm Guitarist….. Rob Smigel
Drummer…..Dana Carvey
Fan #1 …..Melanie Hutsell
Fan #2 …..Chris Farley
Fan #3 ….. David Spade

Tom Arnold: You know, I’m a huge fan of the Seattle rock scene, and this
summer I spent a little time up there and I saw a band that really blew me
away. I’m honored to introduce them here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen –
Dogs!

[ Cut to the stage where Dogs performs-the backup singer and bassist are
wearing leash harnesses, the rhythm guitarist has a frisbee in his mouth,
the drummer on a pedestal resembling a doggie dish has a bow in his hair,
and the shirtless lead singer/lead guitarist wears a collar and tags and has
eight nipples. ]

Dogs:
“1, 2, 3, 4!”
[ they start playing as spectators watch on ]

“Well, I’m jumping on the table cause nothing seems quite as nice,
Now my face is in my poo, that’s your clever punishment device.
I slept on the couch,
I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE IT!
Brought you a dead bird,
I THOUGHT YOU’D EAT IT!
So now you’re like my nose, cold as iiiiiiiiiiice!

[ Fan #1 goes up and pets the lead singer’s hair, then walks off
triumphantly]

Cause I was baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on the wee-wee pad!

[ Fan #2 takes a doggie treat out of his pocket and feeds it to the bassist]

Oh what’s my name again?
I’m sorry I didn’t come running
No dinner for me? So sad
It makes its own gravy
Now I’m puking on the carpet,
I COULDN’T HELP IT!
I’m drinking from the toilet
IT’S JUST A HABIT!
I swear that smell you smell is not from meeeee!

But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!

[ Fan #3 scratches the backup singers neck]

Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t go on the wee-wee pad!

Have you ever tasted your brown shoes?
I think you might be surpri-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-sed”

[ guitar solo, during which Fan #2 rubs the lead singer’s belly]

“Squeeze toy!”
[Backup singer squeezes the squeeze toy ]

“Well, don’t you know it’s shedding season
Or is that a dirty word?
And weren’t you the one who said, “Stay inside!”
I’ll bring you the tennis ball
BUT YOU DON’T THROW IT!
I run for the tennis ball
BUT YOU JUST FAKED IT!
Oh you’re just way too smart for meeeee!

But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on your wee-wee pad!”

[A giant leg appears, which the lead singer, backup singer and rhythm
guitarist hump. End song ]

Clinton at McDonald’s

Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer…..Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Tom Arnold
College Student…..Julia Sweeney
Male Customer…..Rob Schneider

[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into aD.C. McDonald’s ]

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop here for a second. I’m alittle parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for threeblocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fastfood places.

Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talkwith some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something – there’s gonna be alot of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is theleast of our worries.

Cashier: Oh, my God! It’s Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to ayoung mother ] That’s an adorable baby. What’s your name, sweetheart?

Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.

Bill Clinton: Now, that means “African Princess”, doesn’t it?

Female Customer: Why, yes!

Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be aprincess. Are you gonna finish those fries?

Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?

Bill Clinton: Well, if you’re not gonna eat ’em.. [ grabs the friesand eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of yourmom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doingover here?

Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?

Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.

Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a networkof community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself.I see your boy doesn’t like pickles.

Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!

Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, goodluck to you. We’re gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missedone. [ grabs remaining pickle ]

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I’m Kevin O’Brien, the manager,and I just want to thank you for dropping by – again.

Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You’ve got a real Americanfamily place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?

Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..

Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.

Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of thosesausage patties.

Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you’d prefera McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.

College Student: Governor Clinton? I’m a sophomore in college, andI may have to drop out because my parents can’t afford tuition.

Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that’sone of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?

College Student: Would you like to try it?

Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that’snot bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every studentto.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh!That hit the spot!

Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and soursauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?

Manager: For your McMuffin?

Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.

Male Customer: You can use mine.

Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.

Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.

Bill Clinton: That’s it. Just pour it all on!

Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?

Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that’s a good question.Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we’re sending in..[ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ]..to Somalia.. but it’s not getting to the people who need it because..[ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it’s being intercepted by thewarlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it’s not just us. It’s othercountries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNuggetis aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles itdown ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone’s Filet-o-Fish ] Thisman’s Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ]..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs differentitems ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it’s just gonna end up with.. [ puts itall in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based internationalmilitary force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one andplaces it on someone’s tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picksit up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?

Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continueyour jog. We’ve only gone about an eighth of a mile.

Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?

Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.

Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!

[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald’s, as the Secret Service agents followright behind him ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 5th, 1992

Tom Arnold

Neil Young

Roseanne Arnold

Wayne’s World

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Tom Arnold’s Monologue

Sex & Peer Pressure at Valley High

Clinton at McDonald’s

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Neil Young performs performs “From Hank to Hendrix”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Super Fans

Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Connor.

The Dogs

Tales From The Ambulance

Porno Buyers’ Service Representative

Neil Young performs performs “Harvest Moon”

Night School Reunion

SNL Transcripts