Month: October 2018

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. Here, now, ourtop story.

This week President Clinton took his first tour of the White House asPresident-Elect. On the tour were the historic Lincoln Room, where AbrahamLincoln slept; the Truman Room, where Harry Truman slept; and the OvalOffice, where Ronald Reagan slept.

Barbara Bush welcomed Hillary Clinton to the White House this week, greetedher with a warm, motherly embrace, took her into the Executive Mansion, andthen gave her a spanking she’ll never forget.

After news photographers lured Chelsea Clinton’s pet cat, Socks, out ofthe Governor’s Mansion for a photo shoot, President-Elect Clinton angrilyordered them not to do it again. Meanwhile, Socks, who had nothing elseto do, decided to kill some time fooling around with Gennifer Flowers’cat, Blondie.

A statistic in U.S.A. Today revealed that 1 out of every 3 smokerstry to quit smoking each year. The other 2 quit breathing.

Remember: immediately following tonight’s boadcast, there will beanother TV show.

The high ratings of the miniseries “The Jacksons” on ABC, and “Sinatra” onCBS, have prompted third-place NBC to announce plans for its own miniseries”The Cowsills”.

Kevin Nealon: Tonight, we start what we hope will become a “WeekendUpdate” tradition. Every Thanksgiving from now on, a different “SNL”performer will compose and sing an original song to commemorate theholidays. We couldn’t think of a better person to begin this tradition thanour own, Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Oh, thank you.. thank you, Kevin!

Kevin Nealon: Alright, Adam, are you ready?

Adam Sandler: Yes, I am, Kevin. I’ve worked all week on my song,and I hope you’ll be entertained and a little moved.

[ singing ]“Love to eat turkey, love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey ’cause it’s good
Love to eat turkey like a good boy should
Cause it’s turkey to eat, so good

A turkey for me, turkey for you,
Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe.

Love to eat turkey at the table,
I once saw a movie with Betty Grable.
Eat that turkey all night long,
50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.

Turkey turkey dee, turkey turkey dap,
I eat the turkey and I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmie Walker used to say “Dynomite”
That’s right!

Turkey with the gravy and the cranberry
Can’t believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry

Turkey for you, turkey for me,
Can’t believe Tyson gave the girl V.D.

Gobble gobble dee, gobble gobble dawkie,
I used to go to camp at Lake Winnepesaukee”

Adam Sandler: Come on, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: No, that’s okay.
Adam Sandler: Oh, it’ll be fun.
Kevin Nealon: Okay.

Together:
“Turkey turkey dee, turkey turkey duffin,
Love to eat turkey with a lot of stuffin’
Turkey for me, turkey for you,
Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe.

Turkey and sweet potato pie,
Sammy Davis Jr. only had one eye
Turkey with the girls, turkey with the boys,
My favorite kind of pants are corduoroys

Gobble gobble gee, gobble gobble gickle
I wish turkeys could only cost a nickel.

Oh, I love turkey .. on Thanksgivingggggg..”

Adam Sandler: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Adam. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

Superman’s Funeral

Jimmy Olson…..Rob Schneider
Hawk Woman…..Melanie Hutsell
Lex Luthor…..Al Franken
Aquaman…..David Spade
The Flash…..Adam Sandler
Green Lantern…..Tim Meadows
Lois Lane…..Julia Sweeney
Batman…..Dana Carvey
Robin…..Chris Rock
Black Lightning…..Sinbad
Mister Fantastic…..Tom Davis
Incredible Hulk…..Chris Farley
Perry White…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Superman’s Funeral, Jimmy Olson and Lex Luthor working the door as Hawk Woman and Hawk Man enter ]

Jimmy Olson: Hawk Woman. Hawk Man. Jimmy Olson. Superman’s pal.

Hawk Woman: Don’t be silly. Of course we know you. Jimmy, it’s a terrible thing.

Jimmy Olson: I know. I’m just kind of numb. It’s Miss Lane I’m worried about. We’ll talk later. [ turns ] Lex, will you seat the Hawks over by the Teen Titans?

Lex Luthor: Certainly. Right this way. [ leads the Hawks through the procession ]

[ Aquaman enters ]

Jimmy Olson: Aquaman! Glad you could make it.

Aquaman: [ holding bowl ] I brought some shrimp. If you need anything else – kelp, seaweed, anything – you just name it.

Jimmy Olson: Thanks so much. [ Aquaman walks off, as The Flash and Green Lantern enter ] Oh, Flash! Green Arrow! I mean.. Green Lantern.. I’m sorry, I’m just barely keeping it together..

The Flash: Tell me about it. Life is so unfair. You know, Superman could do anything. He could fly, X-ray vision, super-strength.. all I can do is run fast.

Jimmy Olson: Don’t say that..

The Flash: No, no, no, it’s true! All I canb do is run fast! He can run as fast as me, but he never mentioned that in all these years. Supe, he’s a real man, I like that.

Lex Luthor: [ walking up ] Uh, gentlemen, may I show you to your seats?

Green Lantern: [ outraged ] Lex Luthor! What are you doing here!

Lex Luthor: [ trying not to smile ] Uh, it’s a.. it’s a tragedy. a real tragedy.. a great loss.. just a pity.. just.. tragic..

Green Lantern: You don’t mean that, do you, Luthor?

Lex Luthor: [ smiling ] Alright, you got me, I’m glad he’s dead! He was a worthy arch rival, and I’m here to show my respect, but I gotta tlel oyu, I’m happy he’s gone – this should be a great year for me! Right this way. [ shows them to their seats ]

Lois Lane: Jimmy, they’re about to start.. still no sign of Clark?

Jimmy Olson: No. Sorry, Miss Lane, looks like Mr. Kent’s a no-show again..

[ Batman takes the podium ]

Batman: [ suppressing tears ] Uh.. I’m Batman. Thank you for.. for coming.. I.. I said I wasn’t gonna cry! I was fine.. until about a minute ago.. There’s nothing more important to Superman than his friends. And looking out at all your.. [ weeps ] fa-aces.. makes me realize.. I’m sorry!

Robin: [ jumping forward ] It’s okay, Batman!

Batman: Sorry, Robin.. I can’t help it..

Robin: [ weeping ] Oh, man.. here I go.. when I see you cry, it makes me cry-y-y…

[ Black Lightning enters ]

Jimmy Olson: EXcuse me.. excuse me, this is a private service.

Black Lightning: Uh-huh.. no, man, I’m Black Lightning!

Jimmy Olson: Black Lightning?

Black Lightning: Black Lightning! You know me! Me and Superman were like this! [ crosses fingers ] We were tight! I had my own comic book back in the 1970’s! i’m the one that taught him how to fly!

Jimmy Olson: Look, I’m sorry.. I’m Superman’s pal, I’ve never heard of you..

Black Lightning: Come on, man.. Black Lightning! I shoot electric charges. There’s Batman – he knows me! Yo! Batman! What’s up, man! It’s me!

[ Batman doesn’t recognize him ]

Jimmy Olson: Sorry, Mr. Lightning, uh.. if it were up to me, it would be no problem.. but, you know..

Black Lightning: Oh, it’s like that, huh? It’s like that?

Jimmy Olson: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to go..

Black Lightning: Alright, man! Why don’t you eat some lightning bolts, chump! [ zaps Jimmy with a lightning laser ]

Jimmy Olson: Ow! Alright, man! GET OUT!!

Black Lightning: Hey, man! Get off my case! Chump! [ zaps him again ]

Jimmy Olson: Hey! That stings! NOW, GET OUT!!

Black Lightning: [ yells ] Hey, yo! Black Lightning! [ motions, then exits ]

Batman: [ continuing his eulogy ] Uh.. some people here, from Marvel Comics, have come to pay their respects..

[ Spiderman, Incredible Hulk and Mister Fantastic step up to the podium ]

Incredible Hulk: I.. I wish I.. Hulk not good with words. Hulk write it down. [ takes out sheet of paper, then puts on reading glasses ] “Superman was that rarest of things. Every superhero owes him a debt of gratitude and homage. His life was a super-human expression of the noblest asperations of man. And, in death, he has become the ideal. Of my friend Superman, I can only say this: he was.. my.. hero!” [ removes glasses, near tears ] I.. Hulk.. just.. Hulk.. Hulk just not the same! [ smashes podium to bits ] Enough said.

Jimmy Olson: [ runs up, excited ] I just heard from the Chief of Police! The Legion of Doom’s attacking Metropolis Civic Arena!

Perry White: [ jumping up ] Great Caeser’s ghost!

Jimmy Olson: You know, I can’t help thinking: this looks like a job for Superman..

Batman: Okay. Thank you, Jimmy. We’re gonna have to try to carry on without Superman. You understand me okay? Who can fly? [ hands are raised ] Okay, get going! Anybody have super strength? [ hands are raised ] Okay, great! Can anyone here change the rotation of the Earth on its axis? [hands are raised ] Really? That’s great! Come on, let’s go! Let’s do it fdor Superman! runs out with everyone else ]

[ show Black Lightning in the back corner quietly pocketing Aquaman’s shrimp for himself ]

Lois Lane: [ close- up ] Oh, that Clark Kent! Where can he be? He’s missing Superman’s funeral!

[ image of Lois transforms into a coimc book page, as the issue is closed ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 7

92g: Sinbad / Sade

The Proud Pattersons

Mr. Patterson…..Sinbad
Renee Patterson…..Ellen Cleghorne
Young Patterson…..Chris Rock
Adrian Patterson…..Tim Meadows

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD DISPLAYS “THE OVERACTING NEGRO ENSEMBLE”

Announcer: The Overacting Negro Ensemble proudly presents…

DISSOLVE TO A FAMILY PORTRAIT OF THE PATTERSONS, A MIDDLE-AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILY, POSING DIGNIFIED IN THE PHOTOGRAPH.

SUPER: The Proud Pattersons

Vocalist: [singing]
“Ain’t got much,
but we got our pri- – de.
Mmm-mmm.”

SUPER: Starring Ossie Davis Jr. & Rubilette Dee.

INT. PATTERSON LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

MR. PATTERSON, late 50’s, slight gray hair, plaid shirt, chit-chats with his SON on the couch while they watch television and enjoy dinner.

Mr. Patterson: Renee! Bring over some salt!!

RENEE PATTERSON, in floral dress, gray hair, cardigan, sweeps in and raises her arms in the air.

Renee Patterson: MY CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK DON’T NEED NO SALT!!

Mr. Patterson: Listen, woman!! My taste buds want salt!! And this is one man who ain’t going to deny his taste buds!!

Renee Patterson: Then you get up! And you get that salt yourself!

Renee trembles in tears and clutches her hands to her chest.

Mr. Patterson: I! Ain’t! Getting! Up! What you watching, son!?

Young Patterson: I’m just flippin’ around, daddy!

Mr. Patterson: MY! Boy! Doesn’t flip around! You going to turn that TV! To! “Rescue 9-1-1!!” And we going to keep it on “Rescue 9-1-1!!”

Renee moves closer to the man, shaking her hands over and over again.

Renee Patterson: We ain’t going to watch no “Rescue 9-1-1!!” Not under this roof!! Not this family!!

Renee points to her son and clenches her fists.

Renee Patterson: You going to turn that channel and we going to watch the movie-of-the-week!! About the serial killer woman in Florida!!!

Renee tilts her head to the roof, eyes blood-shot red and watered.

Renee Patterson: And you going to like it!!

Mr. Patterson rises from the couch.

Mr. Patterson: I! Am! A! Man! I work 14 hours a day! I paid for that TV! With my sweat! And when I come home, I want to see Captain Kirk on that screen!

Young Patterson rises from the couch.

Young Patterson: What’s happening to us?!?! This ain’t a family no more!! Why can’t we just agree!?!?

Young Patterson reaches onto Renee’s arms and they both cry in exaltation.

Mr. Patterson: MY! Son! Does not cry!

Renee slaps Mr. Patterson.

Renee Patterson: I ain’t raising no more sons! That! Can’t! Speak their mind!

ADRIAN PATTERSON, early 30’s, in trench coat and suit, ENTERS.

Adrian Patterson: Hey, folks!

Renee Patterson: ADRIAN! Oh, my baby! You came home!! Where you been!?!?

Adrian Patterson: In Cleveland. Remember? I have a job there. It’s Thanksgiving. I’m visiting.

Mr. Patterson: Why you always running away, boy!!!

Renee Patterson: My boys! Don’t have to run out of town! You stand and be strong and tall!!

Adrian Patterson: What do you mean? I’m an engineer. It’s a great job.

Mr. Patterson: Don’t! You! Talk! To your mother like that! You! Raise! Your voice when you speak to you mother!

Adrian Patterson: Man, just relax a little bit. You guys expend so much energy that maybe if you calmed down, you’d get somewhere.

Overacting Pattersons: Oh! Oh!

All of them corner Adrian to the wall, pointing at him.

DISSOLVE TO THE FAMILY PORTRAIT OF THE PATTERSONS

SUPER: The Proud Pattersons

Vocalist: [singing]
“Yes, we got our pr-id-id-e!”

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Thanksgiving Party

Friend…..Dana Carvey
Larry…..Sinbad
Martin…..Phil Hartman
Female Co-Worker #1…..Melanie Hutsell
Male Co-Worker #1…..Rob Schneider
Male Co-Worker #2…..David Spade
Female Co-Worker #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Retarded Co-Worker…..Adam Sandler
Male Co-Worker #3…..Tim Meadows
Female Co-Worker #3…..Julia Sweeney
Male Co-Worker #4…..Kevin Nealon

Tim: So, this is where you work, huh, Larry?

Larry: Yeah, we have this Thanksgiving party every year.

Tim: Well, thanks for inviting me. It looks like fun.

Martin: [ approaching ] Hey, Larry!

Larry: Hey, Martin! This is my buddy, Tim.

Martin: How you doing, Tim? [ turns to Larry ] Hey. Cherry on top,Larry?

Larry: Hey, I always love a cherry on top!

Martin: Cherry every time! [ laughing, exits ]

Tim: [ confused, curious ] What was that about?

Larry: Oh. He brought his kids to the office yesterday, and I boughtsome ice cream sundaes for them, and they wouldn’t eat ’em because I didn’tput cherries on top.

Tim: [ assured, relaxed ] Oh! That’s funny!

Female Co-Worker #1: [ enters ] Larry! Was that you who shot theold woman, and blew up the school bus?

Larry: Yeah. Was that a problem?

Female Co-Worker #1: No! Good job! [ laughs ] Nice going, man![ exits ]

Larry: Thanks. [ Tim looks over curiously ] Oh! Oh, I had toenlarge some photos, man, for a brochure we’re doing on school safety, man.[ laughs ]

Tim: Oh, of course. [ laughs ]

Rob: [ enters ] Hey, Larry. That stinker of yours really cleared the roomthis morning.

Larry: [ laughs ] I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to happen.

Rob: Just try to warn us next time. [ exits ]

Tim: [ confused again ] What was that?

Larry: Oh, my District Manager, Fred Stinker, paid a surprise visitthis morning. Everybody just ducked out of the office.

Tim: Ohh.. okay.

David: [ enters ] Hey, Larry. Hey, I hope your butt’s okay from the othernight. You know.. uh.. you should have told me you were a beginner.

Larry: Hey, I asked for it. It hurt, but it felt good to finally goout and do it.

David: Well, if you ever want to do it again, let me know. And your friend’sinvited, too. [ exits ]

Tim: [ Starting to interpret for himself ] Horseback riding?

Larry: Yeah, horseback riding!

Female Co-Worker #2: Hey-ey, Larry.. Listen: “If you wanna be insideof me, you can be inside of me anytime you want. [ laughs ] Ready when youare!”

Larry: Sounds good to me. [ laughs as she exits, then turns backto Tim ] Oh! Lisa and I are working on this new slogan for a 24-hourshopping mall. [ laughs ]

Retarded Co-Worker: [ enters, making unusual hand and facialgestures ] Hebby-hebby-hooooo! Hebby-hebby-hoooo! [ exits ]

Tim: What’s that about?

Larry: Oh, he’s retarded. He works in the office once a week. He’sa nice guy.

Male Co-Worker #3: [ enters, makes the same hand and facial gesturesas Adam ] Hebby-hebby-hoooo! Hebby-hebby-hoooo! [ exits ]

Tim: [ concerned ] Is he also, uh..?

Larry: Oh, no, no, no. He’s just making fun of the retarded guy.

Female Co-Worker #2: How’s it going, Larry?

Larry: Fine. [ she walks away ] Uh.. we had this wild affair lastsummer.

Tim: I figured..

Male Co-Worker #4: [ enters, ecstatic ] He-ey, how you doing, Larry?

Larry: Hey, how you doing?

Male Co-Worker #4: [ laughing ] Pretty crazy the other night, huh?

Larry: Aw, crazy, you know it!

Male Co-Worker #4: I do, man! You’re the wild man!

Larry: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Male Co-Worker #4: When she did that – you were running!

Larry: Oh, I was, man!

Male Co-Worker #4: [ jumping hysterically ] Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!

Larry: [ jumping hysterically with him ] Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!

Male Co-Worker #4: Hey, next week, I’ll be wearing my thumbcap!

Larry: Oh, don’t say it!

Male Co-Worker #4: [ laughs and exits ]

Tim: [ more confused than ever ] What was that all about?

Larry: I have no idea. I don’t even know that guy. Come on, let meshow you the rest of my office..

[ Larry and Tim leave the party ]

SNL Transcripts

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Joe Jackson…..Sinbad
Sandman…..Chris Farley

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV – that’s BlackEntertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side with Nat X”. The onlyshow on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly forthe brothers. Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, his shadowstill can’t find him. Step back, ’cause here comes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I’m Nat X, and welcome to”The Dark Side”, the only five-minute show on TV! Why only five? Becausethat’s all the time I’ve got between the showings of “Malcolm X”. Now, a lotof people think “Malcolm X” might cause riots. I’ll tell you what movie’sgonna cause riots – that one where Whitney Houston’s hugging up on thatwhite boy, Kevin Costner! What’s the matter, Whitney? You can’t get ablack bodyguard? Why don’t you go borrow one from Eddie Murphy?! Anyway,I give “X” two thums up. Why only two? ‘Cause that’s all the thumbsthe Man would give me! Now, before we bring out my first guest.. [ theWhite-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, andplacing the image of jailbars in front of him ] Hey, stop that! Get thataway! White-Man Cam! You ain’t gettin’ me! [ White-Man Cam cameramanwalks away ] Boy, I have’nt had that much fun since I did the Wild Thingwith Weezy Jefferson! Now, my first guest tonight is the envy of most menin America, because he is known to have slept with Janet Jackson. Pleasewelcome her father – Joe Jackson! [ Joe steps out and stands in front ofNat’s desk ] Sit your “I-Don’t-Believe-in-Birth-Control-Ass down![ Joe sits down ] Now, Joe, why don’t you tell the people why you’rehere?

Joe Jackson: I’m here to tell my side of the story againstthe miniseries “The Jacksons: The American Dream”. Did you watch it, Nat?

Nat X: Yeah, I watched it! I was amazed at your talent!

Joe Jackson: [ intrigued ] Oh? Did you like my guitar playing?

Nat X: No! I’m not talking about your guitar playing! I’m talkingabout your left hook! I mean, I saw you smack Jackie so hard, his afro cameoff!

Joe Jackson: Look, Nat.. I had some problems back then..

Nat X: Well, your problem must have been your jab.. ’causeyour left hook was workin’ fine!

Joe Jackson: Nat! Sometimes the kids brought it upon themselves.

Nat X: Now I can understand smacking LaToya.. but why would you hitTito? He never hurt nobody!

Joe Jackson: Nat, I suggest we talk about the show, before I goupside your head.

Nat X: [ agreeable ] Okay. [ pause ] Now, tell me the truth aboutMichael – was it all surgery, or did you smack the black off him?!Sandman, get him out of here!

[ Sandman rushes toward Joe with the broom to sweep him off the set, butJoe stands up and smacks Sandman on the nose ]

Joe Jackson: Hey, get up, boy! Get up!

Nat X: Hey, come on, Joe! He’s just a clown! Why don’t you gobeat up the Sylvers for singing “Boogie Fever”? [ Joe smacks Nat in thenose, stunning him ] Alright! That’s all the time we got! We gottaget out of here and go see the movie! Come on, let’s go see “X”!

[ Nat and his studio audience run off the set ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
The crows seemed to be
calling his name,
thought Caw.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Whenever someone asks me
what it means to love,
I spin around
and pin the guy’s arm
around his back.
Now who’s the one
asking the questions?

SNL Transcripts

Cluckin’ Chicken

Clucky Chicken…..Adam Sandler
Dad…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, Cluckin’ Chicken fast food restaurant ]

Jingle: “Something’s cookin’ at the Cluckin’ Chicken”

Clucky Chicken: [ popping into the front of the screen ] That’s me! [ flies up to a table flled with kids and their Dad ]

Dad: Hey, Clucky – why’s the Cluckin’ Chicken so chick-a-licious?

Clucky Chicken: Everybody knows why. It’s ’cause I’m flame-broiled! Yow-zee-yow-dow! But that’s not all – I’m cooked fresh! First my head’s cut off! [ the cook chops Clucky’s head off and send it flying through the restaurant ] Heads up! [ Clucky’s head appears before another chicken being gutted ] Then I’m plucked and gutted – my intestines are pulled out. Trust me, you don’t want ’em! Whee! Look at me! I’m gettin’ quartered and split breasts, wings, the whole nine yards! Chopitty, chop! Then the pieces of me get flame-broiled. Hear that sizzle? That’s me! 550 degrees! Good thing I’m dead, or yow-wee! Then I’m seasoned just right, and ready to go! [ takes a bite of a piece of chicken ] Hey, I’m good! Finally, I’m served to you, so you can chew me, swallow me, and convert me into waste matter. [ peers into the toilet ] Ga-ga-ga-gooey!

[ returns to the kids and their Dad ] Hey, kids, how’s the meat?

Kids: [ chewing ferociously ] You taste great, Clucky!

Clucky Chicken: [ head spinning around the restaurant ] Holy fanoley! The oxygen’s leaving my brain!

Dad; Any last words, Clucky?

Clucky Chicken: You betcha! [ singing ] “If you want a place for the greatest chicken, take it from my head, it’s easy pickin’, ’cause..“

Jingle: “Something’s always cookin’ at the Cluckin’ Chicken!“

Clucky Chicken: Being dead never tasted so go-nobbity good!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 21st, 1992

Sinbad

Sade

None

Bush & Clinton in the Oval Office

Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Bill Clinton.

Sinbad’s Monologue

Cluckin’ Chicken

The Gloria Brigade

Black Motorist Today

Deep Thoughts

How to define love.

Sade performs “No Ordinary Love”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Superman’s Funeral

At Home With Monica Seles

Bram Stoker’s Blacula

Gilligan’s Biosphere

The Dark Side with Nat X

Recurring Characters: Nat X.

Deep Thoughts

The crows calling Caw.

Sade performs “Cherish The Day”

The Proud Pattersons

Office Thanksgiving Party

SNL Transcripts

The New Suzanne

Suzanne…..Julia Sweeney
Robert…..Michael Keaton
Waiter #1…..Rob Schneider
Waiter #2…..Tim Meadows
Allan…..Phil Hartman

Suzanne: This place is very nice.

Robert: Yeah. Yeah, it is. And the food’s great, too.

Suzanne: Oh.. how do you know Steve, Dan and Rick?

Robert: Well, I work with Steve and Rick, and Dan lives across from me.

Suzanne: Really?

Robert: I’m really glad they set this thing up tonight, because.. well,they said you were a lot of fun.

Suzanne: [ laughing ] Oh, really?

Robert: And you know, we were probably gonna have.. you know.. well, theysaid, you know.. a wild time! So, I took the night off, you know,because they said it would be “worth it”.

Suzanne: Oh, is that what they said? Oh, that’s sweet! I’m surewe’ll have a nice evening.

Robert: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, yeah! I think we’re gonna have a prettyamazing night! In fact, they said that you really like your Jack Daniels, solet’s get this party rolling and get a couple Jacks, huh? [ Waiter #1 walksby ] Uh, waiter?

Waiter #1: Uh.. yes, sir? I’m not your waiter, but I’ll tell himwhat you want.

Robert: Oh. Thanks. A couple of Jack Daniels on the rocks.

Suzanne: I’m sorry. Just a Perrier for me.

[ the waiter makes a mental note, then starts to walk off. Robert grabs thewaiter and pulls him back for a second, so he can discuss the drinks withSuzanne ]

Robert: Huh?

Suzanne: I’m.. I’m not a big drinker anymore. I really can’t holdmy booze too well. I get a little.. anyway, Perrier would be fine. Thanks!

Robert: Okay. [ sends the waiter on his way ] So.. you don’t drinkanymore?

Suzanne: Oh, no! I used to be such a big partier! I used to loveto drink! The problem was, I’d get really, you know.. horny! [ laughs ]

Robert: ] trying to digest this sudden information ] Yeah.. Yeah, wedon’t want that..

Suzanne: Thank God that’s over with! I stopped drinking, and you knowwhat? I’ve never felt better!

Robert: That’s great.. you should really be proud of yourself..

Suzanne: Well, I am! You know what? I think I’m going to go all outand get the Lobster Special!

Robert: [ sensing his dilemma ] Yeah.. it’s a good choice.. good choice..

Suzanne: You know, it’s funny – when I’d go on a first date before,I’d be really insecure, and I’d order, like, the least expensive thingon the menu. Now, I think, “Hey, this guy asked me out! He mustlike me! I’m gonna order the best thing on the menu, because Ideserve it!” [ laughs ]

Robert: [ starting to grow uncomfortable ] Yeah.. that’s a good rule..a very good rule..

Suzanne: Can I tell you something? Um.. this is kind of embarrasing,but.. I used to be so wild that, if I went on a first date, half thetime we wouldn’t even make it to the restaurant. I mean, I’d meet him atthe door in a raincoat, with nothing underneath, and just drag himinto the bedroom! We wouldn’t even spend a dime![ laughs ]

Robert: [ really disappointed, but trying not to show it ] But.. that’sthe old you?

Suzanne: Oh, yeah. I was crazy back then! I would do crazy stuff likethat all the time!

Robert: Now, this all stopped how long ago?

Suzanne: Five weeks ago.

Robert: Interesting. Interesting.

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh, I was a mess! I’d do anything! I remember onceI woke up in bed with three guys! [ thinking ] Actually, it wasyour friends – Rick, Dan and Steve! Wow! I just remembered that! Isn’tthat funny?

Robert: [ tries to laugh, but can’t ]

[ Waiter #2 brings their drinks to the table ]

Waiter #2: Alright.. a Jack Daniels on the rocks, and a Perrier forthe lady.. [ recognizes her ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh! Kenny?! [ laughs and gets up to hug him ]

Waiter #2: It’s so good to see you!

Suzanne: Yeah!

Waiter #2: Look, I gotta take these orders, I’ll come back and getyours. Okay?

Suzanne: Okay!

[ Waiter #2 steps aside ]

Robert: [ greatly distressed ] Yuo know him, Suzanne?

Suzanne: Oh. Well, the old Suzanne dated him once!

Robert: Oh. What’s the old Suzanne doing now?

Suzanne: Oh, you wouldn’t want to meet her! She was crazy! I’mglad I’m telling you this, because I wouldn’t want you to worry I’m like thatanymore. I mean, that is so over, I promise you. Please don’t thinkill of me.

Robert: No, no! I don’t actually, I don’t at all. Actually, I thinkyou’re being a little too hard on yourself. You know, sometimes when youhave a bad habit like that.. or smoking, or something.. you don’twant to quit cold turkey. You know? And this isn’t me just talking,either.. it’s medical journals, it’s things I’ve read.. They say it’s just alot smarter if you just taper off. You ever read that?

Suzanne: No. This is better, believe me. I mean, a kiss on the cheekis so much more romantic to me than a night of wild sex!

Robert: [ he wishes ] Yeah.. yeah.. Yeah, I guess, in a way..

Suzanne: I mean, really.. Could you go out with a girl who, twomonths ago was dating a guy and decided to give him a little surprise becauseit was our one-month anniversary, so she crawled under the table and gavehim the best time he ever had? In a ppublic place! I mean,would you really want to date someone like that?

Robert: [ lustful, confused ] No?

Suzanne: That’s right! You wouldn’t! You know what? It was thisrestaurant, and I even thin it was this table! [ laughs ] Oh, gosh![ sees her date looking pale ] Are you okay?

Robert: Uh.. yeah.. To tell you the truth, I’m not okay. I’m justnot feeling very well..

Suzanne: Oh, well, you want to take a raincheck on this? I mean,that’s okay with me.

Robert: You sure you don’t mind? Because, maybe we should..[ looks offscreen ] Waiter, could we get our check? [ looks at Suzanne ]Let’s go, huh?

Suzanne: Alright.

[ the both get up ]

Robert: [ looks offscreen, panics ] Oh, my God..

Allan: [ offscreen ] Robert?

Robert: It’s my Dad and his new wife.

Allan: [ walks up to the table ] Robert! Son! What are you doinghere? I thought that maybe.. [ notices Suzanne ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Allan?! [ laughs and rushes to hug him ]

Allan: [ glancing at table ] Hey! Our table!

[ Robert reaches the height of his discomfort as the scene ends ]

SNL Transcripts