You know, it’s really good to be here tonight, you know, for the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. The show’s been on for 17 years – which is interesting, because 17 years ago today.. I was 13. Anyway, uh.. you know, I wrote a song for “Saturday Night Live” to thank then for the honor of letting me do the show, and for the pleasure they’ve given me over the years. Uh.. G.E.?
[ G.E. Smith steps forward to hand Harrelson a guitar ]
G.E. Smith: Here you go, buddy.
Woody Harrelson: Thank you, G.E.! Alright! [ sits on a stool, holding the guitar in his lap ] You know, a lot of hosts come out here, and they use this opportunity to talk about what they’re doing.. or promoting a movie, or.. you know, whatever. And I’m not saying those people are vain.. you know, but, sometimes, they get a little self-involved.. a little consumed with their success, you know, with the Hollywood lifestyle.. material stuff, you know? But I’m not about that. You know, my life is about entertaining people, about making people laugh, and that’senough for me, alright?
[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]
You know, just to be doing a show like “Cheers”.. which is considered one of the greatest shows in the history of television is plenty! Uh.. I don’t feel the need to have my ego stroked.
[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]
You know, for example: you know, I don’t know why actors are so infatuated with awards. I mean, you can go to my house in Beverly Hills, and you could search through after room after room after room after room.. and even check the guest house in the back, and you wouldn’t find.. my America Comedy Award or my Emmy for Best Supporting Actor. You know, it’s not like I put them up on my mantel. [ a beat ] They’re in my mountain home.
[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]
You know, a lot of people think, because “White Men Can’t Jump” was a box-office smash, that suddenly I’m gonna be less approachable. You know what I mean? There’s no way. I treat everyone.. like I want to be treated, and I insist.. that my bodyguards do the same.
[ strums a few chords on the guitar ]
So.. what I’m saying.. is.. it’s good to be on “Saturday Night Liive”.. it’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon.. I love these people, they’re almost like family.. and that’s why I wrote this song.
[ strums the guitar and sings ]
“It’s good to be on “Saturday Night Live” It’s been on the air for 17 years, and it’s a television phenomenon. I love these people, they’re almost like family And that’s why I-I-I-I wrote this song.”
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, you people have impeccable taste! You know, that’s all I had time for, but, you know, I’m an artist, and you can’t force the creative process. You know, we’ve got a great show tonight – Vanessa Williams is here, and we’ll be right back!
Woody Harrelson: Thank you, everybody. I’d like to thank the cast and the crew of “Saturday Night Live”, and, of course, Vanessa and the band. Everybody take care!
Dr. McAndrews…..Julia Sweeney Raymond…..Phil Hartman Frank Gannon P.I. P.I……Kevin Nealon Rudy…..Woody Harrelson Dr. Griffin…..Ellen Cleghorne Co-Ed…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on exterior, Oak Hills Women’s Health Clinic ]
[ dissolve to interior office, the room is in disarray with furniture and papers thrown everywhere, and the words “Baby Killers” spray-painted in red across the back wall ]
[ Dr. McAndrews and her personal secretary Raymond enter the room, amid crime investigators searching for clues and taking pictures ]
Dr. McAndrews: I just can’t believe this! They’ve vandalized our clinic again, they even destroyed our files! When will it stop?!
Raymond: I’m sorry, Catherine.. there’s so many narrow-minded, hateful people out there.
Dr. McAndrews: We can’t let them get away with this! We’ve gotta find these bastards, Ray, and put them behind bars!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: That’s what I’m here for, Ma’am. Gannon. P.I. P.I.
[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: Frank Gannon. P.I. P.I. Politically Incorrect Private Investigator.
[ return to full shot of the scene ]
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Ah, now let’s have a look at the damage.. [ looks around, taking notes ] Hmm.. ahh.. it’s terrible. Well, you’re lucky about one thing – at least whoever did his had the decency to leave the Baby Killer sign untouched.
Dr. McAndrews: Sign? What are you talking about, sign?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, your sign that says what you do here at the clinic. [ points to “Baby Killers” grafitti on the wall ]
Dr. McAndrews: That isn’t a sign! That’s a criminal act! An outrage!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, you know, I admit that that.. “S” in “Killers” is a little crooked.. but, uh.. look – I’m not here to argue the asthetics of the sign. I’m here to solve a crime. Now, I was told to talk ot the Secretary.. [ checking his notes ] ..of the clinic’s governing board. So, uh.. if you could direct me to him, maybe we could get to the bottom of it.
Dr. McAndrews: I am the Secretary.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. Ah, you see.. people often assume the word secretary to mean a girl – such as yourself – who answers the phone and takes dictation. It’s a common mistake. Ahh.. but in this case, what I mean by “secretary” is the man who asks as the executive.. or the administrator of the clinic.
Dr. McAndrews: I am Dr. McAndrews, the Secretary of the Clinic’s governing board, and this is my secretary – Raymond.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: [ pleased ] Ah, good! The man I want ot speak to! Now, Raymond-
[ Gannon’s assistant Rudy suddenly enters the office ]
Rudy: Sorry, I’m late, Gannon. I didn’t realize that when you got out of the car, I was supposed to get out and follow you in.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, don’t feel bad, Rudy, that’s a.. common rookie mistake. [ to Raymond ] This is, uh.. Rudy, my assistant.. [ to Rudy ] This is the Secretary of the clinic.
Raymond: Uh, I don’t think you understand.. Dr. McAndrews is in charge here. I am her secretary! I answer the phones!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, if you people would get your act together, maybe we can get this thing solved already! Let’s review, Woody.. alright.. let me tell you what we’ve got here. [ reads from his notes ] It appears that a mob of young black men, angry over the Rodney King verdict, looted the clinic and stole the files.
Rudy: A-ha.. but, Gannon, why would they steal the files of an abortion clinic?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now your inexperience is showing, Rudy. Obviously, they were looking for names and addresses of the loose owmen in the neighborhood.
Rudy: In order to impregnate them?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Bingo!
Dr. McAndrews: Are both of you insane?! Can’t you see that this is the work of a militant anti-aboryion group?!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Alright, doctor, if you know so much, tell me this: why would a mob of young black men join an anti-abortion group?
Dr. McAndrews: There were no black men!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Then, how do you explain the damage here to your clinic?
[ Dr. McAndrews throws her arms up in disgust ]
Rudy: It sounds like someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news lately.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Good point, Rudy.
[ Dr. Griffin enters, alarmed at the scene ]
Dr. Griffin: Catherine! I came down as soon as I heard! Oh, my God! This is awful..
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Whoa-oa-oa, hold on there, Miss. Would you please state your name?
Dr. Griffin: Um.. I’m Dr. Janice Griffin.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Oh.. oh, a doctor. So you have a PHd in African-American Studies? Or, perhaps, Jazz History?
Dr. Griffin: Excuse me, but I’m a board-certified gynecologist. A medical doctor.
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Well, tell me, doctor.. do you have any young black men in your family that were angered over the Rodney King verdict?
Dr. Griffin: Of course! We were all angry. But why?
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: I see. Rudy? Care to do the honors?
Rudy: [ as he handcuffs Dr. Griffin ] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney.. [ sounds fades out ]
[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: And now a scene from next week’s episode of “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.”
[ dissolve to Gannon taking notes while speaking with a distraught Co-Ed in her college dorm ]
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: And.. can you describe the man who tried to attack you?
Co-Ed: Describe him? I know his name.. I know where he lives!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Wait a minute.. you know this guy?
Co-Ed: Yes! I told you we were on a date!
Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Now, why would you date an attempted rapist?
Co-Ed: You’re an idiot!!
[ close-up of Gannon’s face as he looks directly at the camera, the title “Frank Gannon: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator” superimposed on the screen ]
Announcer: Next week on “Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.: Politically Incorrect Private Investigator!”
Jack Handey V/O: Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
Cowboy Woody … Woody Harrelson Cowboy Dana … Dana Carvey Cowboy Phil … Phil Hartman
[Three cowboys ride, side by side, atop their fakehorses across a Western landscape while singing thissong:]
Cowboy Woody: Oh, I’m glad that I’m a cowboy It’s the cowboy’s life for me There’s not another kind of boy That I would rather be
All: Not a rich boy or a homeboy Or a playboy out at night
Cowboy Woody: I’m just glad that I’m a cowboy
All: And I’m just as glad I’m white [singing the refrain:] Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re glad God made us cowboys Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re cowboys and we’re proud
[Slight pause before the next verse as a horseneighs.]
Cowboy Woody: Oh, I’m glad I’m not a city boy ‘Cause city boys ain’t macho
Cowboy Dana: And I’m glad I’m not a bus boy Like some Mexican muchacho
Cowboy Phil: They say errand boys are underpaid Whipping boys are bitter
Cowboy Woody: I’m just glad I’m not a bat boy For some Puerto Rican hitter
All: Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re glad God made us cowboys Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re cowboys and we’re proud
[Slight pause before the last verse as a horseneighs.]
Cowboy Dana: Now, colored boys don’t like to work
Cowboy Phil: And sissy boys love clothes
Cowboy Woody: You can always spot a Jew boy By his great big Jew boy nose
Cowboy Dana: I would hate to be a fat boy
Cowboy Phil: Or a Chinese boy from China
Cowboy Woody: I’m just glad I’m not a girl boy With a big ol’ girl vagina
All: Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re glad God made us cowboys Whoopee-ti-yi-yi yippie-i-o We’re cowboys and we’re proud
[Song ends]
Cowboy Woody: Giddyap, hoss boy! Comeon!
[Cheers and applause as we pull back to reveal theprop men below, rocking the prop horses – as well asthe sodium screen providing the Western landscape. Thestage manager rushes in to lead Woody Harrelson offstage.]
[ open on a group of guys standing and sitting along parts of a boardwalk along the beach ]
Brian: Ahhhh.. what a perfect day! [ the other guys agree ] It’s beautiful! Time to catch a few rays, huh? [ removes his shirt, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest ] Ah, that feels good! [ looks at Sully, who appears to be feeling glum ] What’s the matter, Sully? Take your shirt off. I mean, don’t you want to get some color?
Sully: Uh.. I don’t know, I, uh..
Brian: Come on! The sun’s boiling!
Sully: ell, as you know, I have a slight weight problem.. and, uh.. I don’t exactly love the idea of taking my shirt off and exposing my fatty pads to the rest of the beach.
Brian: Get out of here! No one would even care! I mean, come on, the beach is for getting tanned! You gotta take your shirt off – and, believe me.. you’re not that heavy. And i’m sure you’d look just fine with your shirt off.
Sully: You really think so, Brian?
Brian: Yeahhh, of course! Come on, take your shirt off, enjoy. Huh?
Sully: Okay, Brian, I will.. [ removes his shirt, letting his flabby skin soak up the sun ]
Brian: Hey, hey! You look great!
Sully: You know something, Brian? I feel great! [ gives Brian a bear hug ]
Brian: [ frees himself from Sully’s grip ] You nut!
Jerry: [ moves toward Sully ] It feels good? The sun?
Sully: It feels warm.. warm on my skin.
Jerry: Warm on the skin?
Sully: Yeah.
Jerry: Must feel great.
Brian: Well, take your shirt off – find out!
Jerry: [ blushing ] No, no, no, I can’t! Thanks, that’s alright, though..
Brian: What do you mean? Take off your shirt, it’s too nice out here!
Jerry: Oh, no, no.. I’d rather not..
Brian: What?!
Jerry: Ah, it’s just that, you know.. my body is kind of hairy, it’s a little embarrassing..
Brian: Hairy?! So what?! Girls love hair on guys!
Jerry: Uh.. I’ve got a lot of hiar.
Jerry: The more the merrier! Look at Andy Garcia or Alec Baldwin. Total hair!
Jerry: [ curiosity piqued ] Really? Girls.. girls like hair?
Brian: Yeah!
Jerry: So hairy bodies are good?
Brian: Definitely!
Jerry: Then.. why should I keep my shirt on? [ unzips his windbreaker and removes it, revealing massive thick hair pouring from every inch of his body ] Does that look hairy?
Brian: [ shakes head ] Did Burt Reynolds just ask me a question!
Jerry: [ confused ] No..?
Brian: ‘Cause you look just exactly like Burt Reynolds!
Jerry: [ brimming with newfound confidence ] I am! I am Burt Reynolds!
Brian: I thought you were!
Jerry: [ snickering, unable to keep from blowing his cover ] I’m just kidding, Brian – it’s me! Jerry!
Brian: Aw, Jerry, you got me! [ laughing ]
Jerry: I love the sun on my skin! I just love it!
Charlie: [ looking over at Jerry ] Hey, it looks like it’s, uh.. fun having your shirt off in the sun..
Jerry: Oh! It is fun, Charlie! It’s a whole lot of fun!
Charlie: Oh boy, I don’t know what to do..
Brian: What do you mean you don’t know what to do? What you do is, you take your shirt off! It’s as simple as that!
Charlie: [ stammering ] Aw, no no, not me! Thanks, but no thanks! That’s-
Brian: Charlie, take off your shirt! What’s with you?
Charlie: Well, I-I.. [ whispers ] I just have a kind of funny belly button.. [ laugh ] I don’t think that-
Brian: What?
Charlie: Well, it’s kind of an outie.. [ laughs ] I don’t think I sh-
Brian: An outie?! Who’s even gonna at your bely button, Charlie? I mean, come on!
Charlie: Well.. okay, here we go.. [ laughs ] ..but this feels silly.. [ removes his shirt, revealing an outie belly button sticking out at least 12 inches ] Does it look bad?
Brian: [ trying not to look ] Does what look bad? [ points at Charlie’s outie ] Oh, that? No! What, no, it looks fine, you can’t even notice it!
[ shirtless Male Passerby walks past the boardwalk, stops to point at Charlie’s outie ]
Male Passerby: Hey. Can I put a bun and some mustard on that thing? I’m gettin’ kinda hungry.
Charlie: Heeey!
Brian: Come on, pal, beat it!
Male Passerby: Later, freaks! [ walks off ]
Charlie: [ ashamed ] Maybe I should put my shirt back on..
Brian: No, no, no, your outie is cool!
Jerry: Yeah. It’s very European.
Charlie: It is cool, my outie. It’s the coolest outie in the world!
Brian: Yeah, yeah.. finally, you’re getting a little sun on your outie.
Steve: [ calling from the bottom of the boardwalk ] Hey, Brian! Brian! Do you think I should take my shirt off?
Steve: Okay.. [ removes his shirt, revealing two giant man breasts encompassed by thick hair ] Do they look funny? My breasts?
Brian: What? No, they look great.
Steve: No, they don’t. They look funny!
Brian: These are.. incredible ariolas. Do you have any idea how much a woman pays for those?
Steve: I know.. But they look pretty on women, not on men!
Brian: Well, now that is.. that is sexist, Steve! Are you a sexist?
Steve: Well.. no.. but-
Brian: Well, what you’re saying to me makes me think you’re a sexist!
Steve: Well.. I’m not a sexist.. [ triumphantly ] I’m a man, and I have breasts!
Brian: Right!
Steve: Yes! And the sun feels pretty darn good on my breasts! Real good!
Brian: Good!
Steve: Yes! Long live men with breasts!
Brian: Yeah!
Steve: Yea-ah! Yeah!
Brian: Hey, Brad? Why don’t you take your shirt off?
Brad: Uhhhh.. no.. I just had an operation, and.. you know.. it looks.. it looks a little messy.. [ chuckles ]
Brian: Oh yeah, yeah.. that baboon heart transplant, yeah.
Brad: Yeah, yeah..
Brian: Well, hell! I mean, you gotta take your shirt off sometime, why not now?
Brad: [ relunctant ] Do you think so?
Brian: Definitely! I mean.. look how much fun the other guys are having with their shirts off!
[ show the other guys rubbing lotion on their grotesque bodies, Charlie rubbing lotion back and forth on his extended outie ]
Brad: Yeah! I think.. I think you’re right! I’m gonna take off my shirt! [ removes his shirt, revealing babboon heart pumping on the left side of his chest ] Ohh.. ohh.. the sun feels good on my babboon heart!
[ a pair of women in bikins walk past the men ]
Female Passerby #1: Eeuuugghh!
Female Passerby #2: I am gonna be sick! What the hell is that?!
Brad: It’s my heart.. I got it from a babboon!
Female Passerby #1 & #2: Eeeuuugghh!!
Female Passerby #1: Well, why don’t you give it back to that ape over there?
Brad: Heeey!
Steve: Ladies.. just leave us alone!
Female Passerby #2: Hey? Weren’t you the on the cover of Jugs Magazine this month? Congratulations!
Sully: Hey, that’s not fair!
Female Passerby #2: Ugh!
[ the two women walk off ]
Brian: Hey.. guys, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that would happen. It’s not your fault..
[ David runs up to the guys ]
David: Hey, you guys.. what are you doing? You’ve gotta keep your shirts on.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 17: Episode 20 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 16th, 1992 Woody Harrelson Vanessa Williams None Andy Murphy Jon Lovitz
The Tonight ShowSummary: Frequent guests make surprise visits during Johnny Carson’s (Dana Carvey) final night as host of “The Tonight Show.”. Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Jay Leno, Arsenio Hall, Dennis Miller, David Brenner, Joan Embry. Transcript
Montage
Woody Harrelson’s MonologueSummary: Woody Harrelson proceeds to sing a song about how he hasn’t let fame go to his head. Also Hosted: 89f. Transcript
Take Your Shirt OffSummary: While on the beach, a hunky guy (Woody Harrelson) convinces his friends who have grotesque bodies to remove their shirts. Transcript
Deep Thoughts by Jack HandeySummary: Jack Handey reflects on having “impressions” during a math test. Transcript
Vanessa Williams performs “Save the Best for Last”Also Performed: 98i.
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: The Super Fans comment on the Bulls-Knicks NBA Play-Offs. Opera Man (Adam Sandler) sings about people in the news. Recurring Characters: Todd O’Connor, Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, Opera Man.
Delta Delta DeltaSummary: Frat boys (Woody Harrelson, David Spade) try to copy homework off of Pam (Beth Cahill), Meg (Siobhan Fallon) and Di (Melanie Hutsell). Recurring Characters: Pam, Meg, Di.
Zoraida & Woody HarrelsonSummary: NBC page Zoraida (Ellen Cleghorne) thinks Woody Harrelson doesn’t like Puerto Rican girls. Recurring Characters: Zoraida.
Frank Gannon, P.I. P.I.Summary: Politically Incorrect private eye Frank Gannon (Kevin Nealon) and his new sidekick, Rudy (Woody Harrelson), try to solve the case of an abortion clinci vandalism. Recurring Characters: Frank Gannon. Transcript
Vanessa Williams performs “The Comfort Zone”
The Sensitive Naked ManSummary: Jeff, the Sensitive Naked Man (Rob Schneider), embarrasses his son by being naked during their day at the baseball game. Recurring Characters: The Sensitive Naked Man.
Bad Expectant MotherSummary: An expectant mother (Victoria Jackson) puts her unborn baby through various perils around the kitchen. Transcript
Narrator: Good evening and welcome to Showcase Playhouse Theater. Tonight were pleased to present They Wanted To Fly, a 3 acts play by Cameron Hormel. Wed like to welcome our new sponsor, Nice ass, baby panties. When you hear nice ass, chances are its nice ass, baby. And now Act 1 of They Wanted To Fly.
[pleasant music, comes to scene with Myers and Sweeney]
Janet: What are you thinking about?
Toby: Oh you wouldnt understand, youre just a girl.
Janet: Im also you best friend.
Toby: I was thinkin, I wish I could fly.
Janet: You do? So do I!
Toby: Really?
Janet: More than anything.
Toby: Maybe if we both push hard enough, we really can fly.
[music, fades away to Narrator]
Narrator: That concludes act 1. Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize most sincerely as apparently there is no such product as Nice ass, baby panties. I have been a victim of a hoax. In act 2 of They wanted to fly, Toby and Janet have grown into teenagers. Their friendship has blossomed into sexual awareness, but 1 thing has remained the same: their desire to fly. [music, jumps to scene]
Janet: Boy when you stand up here and wave your arms, it almost feels like youre flying.
Toby: It does doesnt it? [laughs]
Janet: That was fun.
Toby: Janet, do you think that maybe somehow we really could fly?
Janet: You mean just lift off the ground up into the sky?
Toby: Yea thats exactly what I mean.
[music, fades away]
Narrator: I would like to apologize to the good people at nice ass, baby pantyhose. Their product is very real and Im sure an excellent value. In the 3rd and final act of They wanted to fly, many years have passed. Toby and Janet and gone their different ways, but they agree to meet once more at their favorite spot.
[music, fades away]
Toby: [in wheelchair] Hello Janet.
Janet: Hello Toby.
Toby: I guess you hear about this.
Janet: You tried to fly didnt you?
Toby: They called it attempted suicide.
Janet: Toby, remember when we used to wish we could fly? Maybe we really can.
Toby: Dont make fun damn it! Im stuck in this wheelchair.
Janet: Well maybe that doesnt matter. Maybe nothing matters except that if we want it bad enough, we can fly off together into the sky.
Toby: Wouldnt that be something?
[music, fades away]
Narrator: [as he is pulling off his fake moustache] Well that concludes Cameron Hormels They Wanted To Fly. Join us next time for Mr. Hormels latest play, They wanted to get totally nude. Goodnight.
Harvey: Live from 47th Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue-you can’t miss it!-it’s SABRA PRICE IS RIGHT! Alright so let’s go with the game then. Here is the host, URI SHURINSON!
[Uri enters set]
Uri: Alright-alright-alright! Good-good-good! Yes-yes, welcome-welcome to Sabra Price Is Right! I am Uri! Okay so we show you beautiful merchandise; and you people, you guess price. So okay let’s look at first merchandise!
[Shot: cheap-looking clock-radio]
Harvey: Alright is Summit clock-radio! Clock-radio from Summit! Is good!
Uri: Okay-okay now who can tell me the correct price for the clock-radio? [To Contestant #1] You!
Contestant #1: I’ll guess $25.
Uri: What-what-what-what!? What you mean!? What you mean $25!?
Contestant #1: I don’t know-
Uri: Is a Summit clock-radio! Is great merchandise!
Contestant #1: Okay-$35?
Uri: Oh, $35! I don’t believe this! Alright-alright someone else! [Moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!
Contestant #2: I don’t know.$40?
Uri: $40 for a clock-radio!!??
Contestant #2: Uh, it doesn’t seem like-er-what’s it worth, really?
Uri: What is it worth!? Over $200! I sell it for less, you see!
Contestant #2: Okay, $75.
Uri: Oh! This is an insult, an insult! [moves on to Contestant #3] Okay, you! You!
Contestant #3: So it’s worth more than $75?
Uri: Yes-yes! At least $150!
Contestant #3: How about $80?
Uri: Alright-alright-alright $80. Is good, is good. [Takes Contestant #3 by the arm and drags him onstage.] Okay congratulations. [They are joined by two Stagehands, who bring on the clock-radio.] Nice clock-radio; and you give a check to my wife backstage.
Contestant #3: No, no, no-what check? I don’t want to buy it!
Uri: What do you mean? You asked for a deal!
Contestant #3: No, no, no. This is a game show-!
[Uri and the Stagehands chatter in Hebrew, while Contestant #3 is escorted backstage.]
Uri: Okay Harvey we need a new contestant!
Harvey: Okay so Jennifer Hughes, come on let’s go!
[Jennifer Hughes, AKA Contestant #4, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #3’s mark.]
Uri: [cutting her off] No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no; please, this we do not care about. Just look at the item and guess price, alright?
Harvey: Is satellite dish from Pinnacle!
[Shot: worn-out and rusted V-aerial]
Uri: Pinnacle satellite dish, beautiful, for TV! Who is guessing, huh? Who, you? Let’s go, let’s go!
Contestant #1: I don’t think that looks like a satellite dish.
Uri: What-what-what you don’t think?! Huh?!
Contestant #1: Don’t they rotate?
Uri: Oh so now I have to explain how a satellite works?? Now come-on-come-on this is thousands of dollars! I don’t have time! [moves on to Contestant #2] You-you-you!
Contestant #2: Well, thousands?
Uri: Yes-yes of course!
Contestant #2: It’s just.. I never heard of the company Pinnacle.
Uri: So? Pinnacle is good company! Inside is same as Toshiba! TOSHIBA GUTS! Is same thing!
Contestant #2: Will it help me get channels?
Uri: It won’t hurt you getting channels. It won’t hurt-this is Pinnacle! Why should it? Now-now come on, come on! So make a bid, come on!
Contestant #2: Okay, $200.
Uri: No-no this is an insult; I quit this game show.
Contestant #2: $220?
Uri: Alright, price is right; very good, very good. [Taking Contestant #2’s arm, Uri herds him onto the stage, where both Stagehands rejoin them.] Come on, come on; get up here; let’s go, let’s go. Nice satellite dish; and you give a check to my wife backstage.
Contestant #2: But I don’t want to buy it!
Uri: It’s already wrapped!
Stagehand #2: It’s already on the truck!
Contestant #2: Yeah, well, I don’t want to buy it!
Stagehand #1: It’s wrapped and on the truck!
Uri: Look-look-look-look-look, you just go backstage and give a check to my wife okay? Alright Harvey next person!
[Contestant #2 continues to protest as both Stagehands, jabbering in Hebrew, escort him backstage.]
Harvey: Okay so Kevin Stubbs, come down let’s go!
[Kevin Stubbs, AKA Contestant #5, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #2’s mark. Uri gazes at Contestant #5 suspiciously, while summoning Stagehand #1. Stagehand #1 comes over to stand at Uri’s side.]
Uri: [to Stagehand #1, indicating Contestant #5] Watch him. [Stagehand #1 just stands there looking at Contestant #5] Well? Go-go-go now! Go now! [Stagehand #1 moves back from Uri’s side and goes over to stand near Contestant #5.] Okay let’s see next beautiful item!
[Stagehand #1 stands right by Contestant #5, just staring right at him.]
Contestant #5: What are you looking at?
Stagehand #1: Nothing; I’m just standing here that’s all.
Uri: Come on come on, alright item please!
[Shot: rotary phone; the cord for its receiver has been ripped out]
Harvey: Is cordless telephone! No more cord for telephone!
Uri: [to Contestant #4] So you are very, very pretty so let’s go out.
Contestant #4: Oh, uh.I-I’m really here more to-
Uri: What, you don’t want to go out? Come on let’s go! We’ll go Disco!
[Both Stagehands walk up and begin adlibbing “Let’s go disco! We’ll goDisco!”]
Contestant #5: Uh, I got a guess-!
Contestant #1: My buzzer’s not working.
Uri: What-what-what you mean your buzzer? What happened, what happened to your buzzer? What happened, you broke buzzer? Okay, now you pay for.
Contestant #1: Pay for it!?
Uri: Yes-yes! You-Broke-You-Buy, it’s the rule!
Contestant #1: What am I going to do with a buzzer from a game show!!??
Uri: [demonstrating for her] Well why did you push so hard!? You push so hard!! Why did you push so hard!? You don’t have to push so hard!! You just tap; see, you just tap; see, you tap. But you, you push; you break it, you break it! [Pulls her onstage by the arm] Okay come on; you go give a check to my wife backstage. That’s a brand new buzzer!
Contestant #1: I thought this was supposed to be The Price Is Right!!
Uri: Is SABRA Price Is Right! Is same thing!
Contestant #1: What happened to Bob Barker!?
Uri: I am same person!! [Turns her around and sends her backstage]Alright-alright-alright new contestant Harvey!
Harvey: Alright so Eric Stegman! Come down let’s go!
[Contestant #6, AKA Eric Stegman, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #1’s mark; he is carrying a cheap-looking CD player. A look of recognition crosses Uri’s face.]
Uri: Now you look familiar.
Contestant #6: Yeah well, uh, I’m really just here to return something.
Uri: What-what-what you mean? What-what-what return!?
Contestant #6: Well, uh-I “won” this CD player. [shows it to Uri].
Uri: Yes-yes, beautiful, yes!
Contestant #6: Yeah, well it cost $500. Now I checked around, okay, and it retails at $216.
Uri: Oh, we are not retailers.
Contestant #6: Yeah, okay, yeah.and it doesn’t work. Also, you said it had Sony guts.
Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. What I said was, is like Sony guts. That was what I said.
Contestant #6: No, sorry; no, no, no.
Uri: Well what is your point!? When did you drop it?
Contestant #6: No, no.I didn’t drop it, okay? It’s not even a CD player. It’s a child’s bank!
Uri: Well this is what I told you, that it’s a display model. Yes!
Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no; you didn’t tell me; no, no, no, no, no, no.!
Uri: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, I did.Look-No, I did-I remember what I told you. I told you it was a child’s bank, not real CD!
Contestant #6: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sorry!
Uri: I remember distinctly! Look-look-look-look, you are here to play the game. Harvey next item please!
[Shot: cheap-looking toaster-oven]
Harvey: Microwave from GE! Is General Electric! Very good!
Uri: [to Contestant #4] So when are we going to disco? Hm?
Contestant #4: Oh-uh, we-we’re not going.
[Uri is joined by both Stagehands, who stand behind and to the side ofContestant #4.]
Uri: What do you mean? To disco!
Stagehand #1: Disco!
Uri: Good!
Stagehand #1: Good!
Uri: Disco!
Stagehand #2: Disco!
Uri: Good!
Stagehand #2: Good!
Uri: Disco!
Harvey: Disco!
Uri: Good!
Harvey: Good!
Uri: Disco!
Both Stagehands: Disco!
Uri: Good!
Both Stagehands: Good!
[They continue chanting and disco-dancing for several more seconds.]
Uri: Alright, alright; alright, alright-Microwave, very expensive! Who is guessing?
Contestant #5: Hey, uh, what happened to the cordless phone?
Uri: Alright look-look-look just take it okay? Just take it, take it; you win, you win. [He shoves the phone into Contestant #5’s hands.] Yes okay go-go-go-go; out! [He rushes him from the buzzer toward Stagehand #1, who catches the Contestant by the shoulders.] Goodbye-goodbye-goodbye-goodbye!
Contestant #5: [to Stagehand #1] you don’t have to touch me! [He is led off by the Stagehand.]
Uri: Alright Harvey next person!
Harvey: Kalid Abdul Adiz!
[Contestant #7, AKA Kalid Abdul Adiz, emerges from the audience and takes what was Contestant #5’s mark; Uri wonders how an Arab got on his show.]
Contestant #7: Alright!
Uri: What-what is this!? How can you get to play!!??
Contestant #7: I am in audience!
Uri: Alright okay look-Microwave?
Contestant #7: $20?
Uri: What you mean, $20!? This is microwave! You are crazy!! This is General Electric microwave!!
Contestant #7: No it is not! Impossible!
Uri: Oh I don’t believe this! I don’t want to play. [Both he and Contestant #7 throw their hands up in disgust.]
Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!
Uri: I don’t want to play!!
Contestant #7: I don’t want to play!!!
Uri: Alright so let’s disco! [He starts dancing.] Disco-disco! Good-good! Disco-disco good-good! [He is joined by Contestant #7, and by both Stagehands.]
Harvey: This has been Sabra Price Is Right! See you next time!Disco-disco-good-good!
[Uri, the Stagehands and Contestant #7 continue disco-dancing on the set.]
Ross Perot: Good evening, I’m Ross Perot. And I gotta tell you something. Now, what happened last week in Los Angeles scared me half to death! I’m telling you. Because what I saw was a country coming apart at the seams. And what I didn’t see was President Bush doing much anything about it. Now, first thing I would have done os got on a plane and gone straight to Los Angeles. ‘Cause I can’t deal with a problem unless I can feel it, touch it, taste, and touch it a little more. That’s right.
Now, at last count, there was $712 million in damage done during the L.A. riots. Well, see this right here? [ holds up check ] Now. alright. See, this here is a check for exactly $712 million. That’s right. It’s good, too. Now, I’ve got $3 billion more sitting back at home. So here it is, in cash, I’m taking care of everything. Everything’s covered, done deal, it’s over. What I’m saying right now is, “South Central L.A., problem’s solved!” This is a one-time deal. If you burn down a building tomorrow, that’s your problem! Okay.
Now, here’s what I’m gonna do – I’m gonna rebuild every building, state-of-the-art technology, put computers in every one of them, train the Crips, train the Bloods to operate the computers, put them to work competing against the Japanese. Now, this ain’t charity. Charity has its place, but not here. This here’s a business operation. You see, because I’m gonna take 5% of everything that goes through this operation from now through perpetuity. 5% right off the top. Business proposition, pure and simple. Same thing if you elect me President. Now, see here, Preident Bush gets $200,000 a year – forget it! If I’m President, we get 0% growth, you don’t pay me nothing. 1% growth? Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country and make 1% growth! So you don’t pay me dime one. Got my own plane, don’t need Air Force One. State Dinners? I’ll pay it, it’s nothing to me, sand on the beach! Now, don’t worry about ol’ Ross Perot, I got $3 billion back at home.
Now, here’s the deal. Here’s what I’m trying to tell you. 3% growth in our economy, $120 billion growth in our GNP – I get a billion dollars. Now, think about it, that’s a bargain! You’re up $119 billion. I’m telling you, 2.99% growth, I don’t see a penny, not one red cent. But don’t feel sorry for me – I got $3 billion. I’m gonna be fine.
Now, this here’s a business proposition. Now, see, 4% growth, you pay me $20 billion. The way I see it, you’re ahead $140 billion, see? Now, this ain’t no golden parachute, this isn’t the President GM giving himself a big bonus when the company’s losing money sending jobs to Mexico. I get my money if and when you get yours.
Now, 5% growth, I get $50 billion. Everybody’s happy, see? See, that’s it, it’s all right there just lied out on the table, you can take it or leave it, I don’t care. I’m gonna do fine, I got $3 billion sitting in the bank.
Now, I bought four minutes of national airtime to lay this out for y’all, and I see I got about 30 seconds left here, which I sold on contingency to the Munsenwear people. [ reads from card ] “Munsenwear, the underwear for the active man. Cut generously with a double-flap pouch for extra comfort. 100% cotton to prevent shrinkage. Munsenwear, because you don’t want your underwear to be like an Apache creeping up on you when you least expect it.” Thank you.
Announcer: Paid for by the Perot For President Committee, and Munsenwear.
Ross Perot: Now, I see I still have five seconds left, and I can’t deal with five seconds unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, eat it, and pass it through my lower intestine. But, you know what? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiigghhhhttt!!“
Air Date:
