Woody…..Dana Carvey Mr. Callahan…..Kevin Nealon Sen. John Tower…..Phil Hartman Sam…..Ted Danson Gov. Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks
Voiceover: “Cheers” is taped before a live audience.
[ open on the Cheers bar, with Woody behind the counter ]
Mr. Callahan: [ puts a tip on the counter and gets up to leave ] Thanks, Woody.
Woody: [ approaches the counter ] Oh, yeah, thanks Mr. Callahan.
John Tower: Woody.. [ points to his glass ] ..fill ‘er up.
Woody: Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.
John Tower: Then give me the bottle!
Woody: Geez, well, don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?
John Tower: Let me tell you something. You want to know something? The only drinking problem I have is drinking too much. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going to be confirmed.
Woody: Oh really? Geez, I was confirmed, when I was 13. You know what my confirmation name was? Paul. They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle!
John Tower: [ peeved ] Woody, I could have you killed. Bring me the bottle.
Woody: [ calling ] Sam!
[ Sam Malone enters from the back room and approaches Woody and Senator Tower ]
Sam Malone: [ in disbelief ] Oh, Senator Tower!
John Tower: [ innocently ] Come on, Sam, all I want is another drink.
Sam Malone: Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after two, especially alcoholics.
John Tower: Look, tell ya what, let’s make a deal. You give me another drink, and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.
Sam Malone: Woody, give me the bottle. All right, but just one drink here, Senator. [ he takes a bottle and pours it into Tower’s glass ]
John Tower: You’re not gonna regret this. Okay. [ Sam withdraws the bottle after filling it halfway ] Keep it coming! Level it off, come on, don’t be stingy. [ Sam keeps filling the glass to the top. Tower sips from it as it overflows. ] That’s it, keep it comin’!
Sam Malone: No, Senator, that’s it. That’s enough. That’s it.
John Tower: Okay, okay. The secret to picking up women: tell them Defense secrets. [ he takes a drink as Sam looks away disappointingly ]
Woody: Well, what if you don’t know any?
John Tower: Okay, here’s one to get you started. Our Trident submarines? They can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha! [ he takes another drink ]
Sam Malone: Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be telling us stuff like that. Now it’s closing time and I’m gonna have to ask you to go. I want everybody to go now.
John Tower: Well, what about him? [ points to a figure slouched over the counter at the other end of the bar. Sam approaches the figure ]
Sam Malone: Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home? [ Dukakis rises, with a dazed look ]
Michael Dukakis: Sam, did I tell you that I came in second forPresident of the United States?
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did.
Michael Dukakis: Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants! [ he takes a drink ]
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did. Governor, it’s closing time.
[ Kitty Dukakis enters the bar through the main entrance ]
Kitty Dukakis: Michael? [ sees him at the bar and smiles ] I have been looking all over for you.
Michael Dukakis: Kitty, you’re out.
Kitty Dukakis: And you’re drunk! [ she walks over to him ]
Michael Dukakis: Yes, I’m drunk and.. I’ve had some mixed drinks. I’ve had some cocktails, some shots, and highballs, and.. ehhhh.. chasers, and I’m flying, I’m blind, stinking drunk!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael, come home with me.
John Tower: I’ll go home with you!
Michael Dukakis: [ angrily ] Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talking to!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael!
Michael Dukakis: I’m sorry, that was the.. ehhhh.. liquor talking.
John Tower: Yes? No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry. [ sobs ] It’s just that I need a women so bad!
Kitty Dukakis: [ approaching Tower ] Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here. You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow! What are you gonna tell that committee?
John Tower: I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say, “Live, from New York..” [ he passes out and falls over the counter ]
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] “It’s Saturday Night!“
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 11th, 1989 Ted Danson Luther Vandross None None Tom Davis CheersRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis, Kitty Dukakis. Transcript
Montage
Ted Danson’s MonologueBio: Ted Danson (1947-). Actor; on television, plays Sam Malone on “Cheers”, 1982-93, Dr. John Becker on “Becker”, 1998-2004; films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “Three Men and a Baby” (1987); while romantically involved with Whoopi Goldberg, garnered negative press when he appeared in blackface at a Friar’s Club Roast in her honor; married to third wife, actress Mary Steenbergen, since 1995. Cameos: 91c.
Rudy…..Tony Danza Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz Aide…..Kevin Nealon The President…..Phil Hartman Einstein…..Dana Carvey Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.
[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]
Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!
Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.
Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.
Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!
Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!
Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!
Rudy: I think dey are martians!
Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!
Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!
[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ]
[ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]
Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.
The President: Whatta dey want?!
Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.
The President: Martians? You better show dem in!
Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!
The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]
Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.
The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!
Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!
The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!
Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.
The President: Bowling?!
Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.
The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!
Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!
The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!
Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?
Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!
Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!
The President: Let’s haul it!
[ they exit the Oval Office ]
[ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ]
[ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ]
[ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]
The President: Perfessor Einstein?
Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?
The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.
Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]
The President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!
Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!
Rudy: Yeah!
Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!
Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!
Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!
[ they collect their money for a deposit ]
[ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ]
[ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]
Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!
Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!
Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!
[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]
Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!
Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.
The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!
Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!
Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!
[ President and his men cheer ]
Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!
The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!
Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!
The President: And visa-versa!
Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!
Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.
[ open on Ted Bundy, hair standing on end, smoke rising from his tattered clothes ]
Ted Bundy: Hello, I’m Ted Bundy. Thank you. You know, all too often, we Americans take electricity for granted. We assume that when we flip that switch, the power will just be there. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. And I learned that the hard way on Tuesday, when a brownout in central Florida turned a routine execution into an embarrassing and painful farce. And now, I’ve gotta do it all over again.
And that started me thinking: does America have all the energy reserves it needs to carry it through the nineties? And if not, what are the alternatives? Nuclear? Perhaps.. but is it safe? Coal is plentiful.. but I worry about the environment. Solar? Well, let’s be frank, it’s years away. The fact is, no one energy source alone can meet America’s energy needs. [ holds up lightbulb, which lights up in his hand ] As we head into the next decade – or, as you head into the next decade – we must rely on a combination of sources – coal, hydroelectric, and nuclear, conservation, and hanging.
This has been Ted Bundy, temporarily “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Tony Danza: Sure, sure, anybody’s good after Ted Bundy, I know!
Well, here I am back in New York, my hometown.. and hosting my favorite show “Saturday Night Live”! And, let me tell you, it’s been three years since the last time I was here. You know, I was here three years ago, and a lot has changed for me in three years. I mean, the biggest thing that’s changed for me in three years is, I was single then and I’m married now. And I like marriage, I really like marriage, because in the morning now, I’m waking up instead of coming to! No, really, really, I do, I love marriage, I think it’s my favorite institution! There, honey, I said it, okay?
Also, I have a 20-month old baby girl named Katie. She’s terrific, and tomorrow my son Mark, who’s also terrific, will be 18 years old. 18! Now, look here – 20 months, and 18 years. Is that spacing them out? I’m telling you!
Alright, listen, let me tell you something: it’s the thing that you worry about the most when you do this show, and the thing I worried about most when I hosted last time ws the Monologue. You know, you’re up here all by yourself, and you’re scared, you’re afraid. But the writers told me last time, “Don’t worry – we’ll write something for you, it’ll be funny, you’re gonna love it.” And then, of course, I ended up tap-dancing. Well, this time, I said, “No way, that’s not gonna happen.” I grabbed the writers, I worked with them all week, and so we’re gonna get to the tap-dancing a lot faster this time, alright? So, are you ready for the tap-dance?
[ as audience cheers him on, Danza does his little tap-dance on the stage ]
Okay! Well, look, that’s it, we’ve got a great show tonight, we got John Hiatt and the Garners. So don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back!
Jesus Christ CelebrityRecurring Characters: Jesus.
John Hiatt performs “Paper Thin”Bio: John Hiatt (1952-). Rock guitarist; as a songwriter, he penned the song “Sure As I’m Sitting Here”, which charted by Three Dog Night in 1974; gained prominent success with the release of his eighth album, “Bring the Family”, in 1987.
As World TurnRecurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Maydenform
Sing Along With Tonto, Tarzan & FrankensteinSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) perform their rendition of “Oh, Suzanna”. Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jeanne Dixon, Stuart Rankin.
Lady Tewksbury…..Jan Hooks Lord Edmund…..John Malkovich Servant #1…..Jon Lovitz Servant #2…..Dana Carvey Doorman…..Tom Davis Royal Artist…..Phil Hartman Nigel the Groundskeeper…..Mike Myers
[ SUPER: “Brighton House – Sussex, England 1635 ]
[ Lady Tewksbury enters Lord Edmund’s sitting room to talk with him ]
Lady Tewksbury: Edmund! Finally we are together. I have a long-lost resort to speak my deepest secret. Oh, my God, Edmund, I love thee. I do so love thee!
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Lady Tewksbury: Edmund, nothing could be further from the truth! I adore you.. I worship you!
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Lady Tewksbury: Mock you? Why, Edmund.. how could I mock no noble and honorable a man? A man so completely unworthy of mockery.
Lord Edmund: [ stands ] If you truly love me, then why do you insist on mocking me so?! Now! Away with you!! Go on, go! Leave at once!
Lady Tewksbury: [ in tears ] Very well! But if you will not requieth my love.. I shall kill myself!
Lord Edmund: You mock me! [ chases her out ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold affrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?
Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lord. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious impertinence of her bold ignorance! [ to Servant #2 ] Would you promise?
Servant #2: Oh, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauture!
Lord Edmund: I thought so.
Doorman: My Lord! The Royal Artist has completed his portrait of your Lordship, he seeks your approval.
Lord Edmund: Show him in.
Royal Artist: [ enters with painting ] Master, I humbly present the fruit of two years’ labor.. [ displays painting ] The Royal Portrait!
Lord Edmund: [ examines it disapprovingly ]
Royal Artist: My Lord is not pleased with the portrait?
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Royal Artist: My Lordship, quite the contrary.. The portrait celebrates your noble bearing! I put you in uniform to capture the lion heart that beats within your heroic breasts!
Lord Edmund: Will this mockery never cease? Away with you. If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is being mocked! now, go! And take your grotesque caricature with you! [ runs Royal Artist out, as the Servants mock his running ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks across the room, as the Servants continue to mock his movements ] Was I wrong?
Servant #1: Heavens no, your Highness. His most contempt was rendering. The talks on canvas. Wouldn’t you say so, Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, yes.. The affrontary of his derisive painting was surpassed only by his brazen gall!
Lord Edmund: Exactly!
Doorman: My Lord, Nigel the Groundskeeper seeks a word with you.
Lord Edmund: If he must..
Nigel the Groundskeeper: [ runs in ] Excuse me, Squire, I hate to bother you, but we’ve been having some problems with some poachers. We’ve noticed twelve wild pigs missing, and several pheasants as well. I would like to request a detachment of your guards to help find the trespassers.
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Nigel the Groundskeeper: I’m sorry, Squire?
Lord Edmund: You.. mock.. me.
Nigel the Groundskeeper: As.. I was saying, Squire, if we could deal with this poacher matter, then..
Lord Edmund: I find it most baffling that one so low would hope to gain from mocking one so high!
Nigel the Groundskeeper: Excuse me, Squire.. I don’t mean to talk out of turn, but with respect to this mockery, sir, I would imagine if anyone was mocking you, it would be the poachers themselves..
Lord Edmund: They mock me! But not to my face! Now, away with you!!
Nigel the Groundskeeper: Right away, Squire! [ runs out ]
Lord Edmund: [ chases him out ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks around, as the Servants continue to mock him ] I grow weary.. [ looks out the window ] The moon is out. I say, the moon is out, and yet it is day. The moon mocks me.. and I will not be mocked!
Servant #1: Yes, yes! The crescent moon lets its lunar contempt be seen for what it is – a brazen canopy of affrontary! Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, of course! The impudence of the moon’s bold audacity!
Lord Edmund: [ walks away, as the Servants mock him behind his back ] I will retire now to my chamber, where there are only my bed and my dreams to mock me. [ exits room ]
[ the Servants starts mimicing Lord Edmund’s every expression ]
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
[ Lord Edmund re-enters unnoticed to gather his smoking jacket, watching sadly as the Servants mock him ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 21st, 1989 John Malkovich Anita Baker None None Christine Zander Tom Davis Bush’s Super Bowl CallRecurring Characters: President George Bush, Ronald Reagan, Marv Albert.
Montage
John Malkovich’s MonologueBio: John Malkovich (1953-). Actor; films include: “Places in the Heart” (1984), “Dangerous Liaisons” (1988), “Of Mice and Men” (1992), “In the Line of Fire” (1993), and “Being John Malkovich” (1999). Also Hosted: 93d.
First Citiwide Change Bank ISummary: Bank representative Paul McElroy (Jim Downey) explains the process by which First Citiwide is able to distribute nothing but loose change. Repeat from: 88a.
Nancy Reagan Leaves The White HouseRecurring Characters: Barbara Bush, Nancy Reagan.
First Citiwide Change Bank IISummary: More testimonials from customers who were glad to be able to acquire exact change when they needed it most. Repeat from: 88a.
AttitudesRecurring Characters: Linda Dano, Nancy Glass.
Gary Busey Motorcycle HelmetsRecurring Characters: Gary Busey.
Anita Baker performs “Giving You The Best That I Got”First Performed: 86p.
Mocking Lord EdmundSummary: Snooty Lord Edmund (John Malkovich) accuses his servants of mocking him behind his back. Transcript
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle, Sandra Day O’Connor, Marilyn Quayle.
[ SUPER: “Jan Hooks and Phil Hartman in: ‘Love is a Dream'” ]
[ open on elderly Janice walking into a bank, let inside by Phillip thesecurity guard. She sits at a table to examine the contents of her safety deposit box, one of which is a tiara. She places it on her head, and suddenly, she is young again. She is approached by a young Phillip, who takes her hand and begins to dance with her. ]
Phillip: [ singing ] “Love is a dream, yet it’s so real. Hard to explain, just how you feel. Deep in your heart, joy seems to dwell. Like poets say, it’s perfectly swell.”
[ Janice dances with Phillip ]
Janice: [ singing ] “In every step, of this old dance, There is delight, love and romance. If you are the one, give me the few, And I am sure there’s no one like you. You are all I dream. You are a part of my heart and esteem. And since I’ve met you, Now I know that dreams do come true.”
[ they walk hand-in-hand between soldiers holding their swords up high ]
Phillip: [ singing ] “Love is a dream, yet it’s so real. Hard to explain, just how you feel. Deep in your heart, joy seems to dwell. Like poets say, it’s perfectly swell.”
[ Janice returns to the table, takes off her trinkets, puts them back in the box, and leaves the safe. As she leaves, she turns around to see an older Phillip silently saying goodbye. She blows a kiss and departs, knowing that dreams do come true. ]
Denise O’Donnell, Miss New York…..Melanie Griffith Blaire Dixon, Miss Georgia…..Jan Hooks Cindy Barlow, Miss Wyoming…..Victoria Jackson Jamie Farr…..Jon Lovitz Michael Gross…..Kevin Nealon
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from Mobile, Alabama, it’s the third annual Miss Self-Esteem USA Pageant, with fifty young women who know, like, and respect themselves, one of whom is going to be Miss Self-Esteem USA 1989.
[ Lights up! The contestants dance on stage and sing to a variant of “Let’s Hear it For the Boy” ]
Contestants: [ singing ] Let’s hear it for myself! Let’s give myself a ha-a-a-a-and! I may not be a Juliet, But what you see is what you get! Wo, wo-o-oh, let’s hear it for myself!
Don Pardo V/O: And now, here’s your Miss Self-Esteem master of ceremonies, “Family Ties”‘ Michael Gross!
[ Applause; the contestants leave as Michael takes center stage ]
Michael Gross: Thank you! Thank you. I have to tell you that I’ve been here in Mobile all week, and these young ladies are the most centered, self-respecting, happiest young people I have ever met. Just being here has made me feel better about myself. And I think you’re gonna feel better about yourselves when you meet our three finalists, as they promenade down the evening gown competition. First, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia, Blaire Dixon!
[ Blaire emerges dressed in blue, and steps up to the mic ]
Blaire Dixon: It is only possible for me to love others once I have loved myself. And since I truly do love myself, I am able to give love to others, such as my family, and those less fortunate than myself. Because I do love myself, so very very much. Thank you. [ walks offstage ]
Michael Gross: [ from off-stage ] Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow!
[ Cindy, in a pink gown, steps up to the mic, trying really hard not to cry as she speaks ]
Cindy Barlow: My boyfriend encouraged me to enter the Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming pageant, to help me raise my level of self-esteem. You might think that winning Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming would have done that, but I was the only person who entered the contest, so it didn’t really mean that much, except to me, which I think is what self-esteem is all about. Thank you.
Michael Gross: [ from off-stage ] And finally, Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell!
[ Denise emerges to wolf-whistles, wearing a black one-piece bathing suit ]
Denise O’Donnell: I know that uh, we’re supposed to wear an evening gown here but, since there’s no swimsuit competition, I thought I would just take this opportunity to show off my killer bod. I figured, I’m comfortable with it, so youse would be too. It’s fine. Enjoy. [ struts away ]
Michael Gross: Boy, that kind of woke things up, didn’t it?
Blaire Dixon: [ walks up to Michael ] Excuse me, excuse me, I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but that’s not fair. I mean, I think it shows a lot more self-esteem to wear the appropriate garment. I do. [ the next fanfare drowns her out ] I really do! [ shrugs, walks away ]
Michael Gross: And now, let’s meet the judges, who have the nearly impossible task of determining which one of our contestants have the most self-esteem … [ the camera pans across each of the judges ] … Dr. Thomas Harris, author of I’m Okay, You’re Okay … author of Smart Woman, Foolish Choices, Connie Cohen … Robin Norwood, author of Women Who Love Too Much … and actor Jamie Farr. [ Jamie waves and grins ] Jamie, I don’t envy you one bit. Okay, and now, to kick off the talent competition, here is Cindy Barlow, Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, offering her dance interpretation of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors.”
[ As an arrangement of the song plays, a nervous Cindy, dressed in rainbow spandex, twirls some rainbow ribbons on a stick. She fumbles, and accidentally destroys one of the sticks. She runs off stage, sobbing. ]
Michael Gross: Gee, that was a shame! She was doing so well! All right, let’s hope that Miss Self-Esteem Georgia fares better, as she delivers her dramatic interpretation of Nora’s climatic speech from A Doll’s House, Henrik Ibsen’s classic story of one woman’s struggle for her identity.
Blaire Dixon: [ on the floor, in costume as her character ] I believe that, before anything else, I’m a human being … [ stands up ] … just as much as you are. Or at least, I’m going to try to turn myself into one. I know most people would say you were right, Torvald, and I know you’d be backed up by all sorts of books! But what most people say, and what you find in books, it just doesn’t satisfy me anymore! I want to seek everything out for myself … and I want to make my own decisions! [ Fanfare; she bows and walks to Michael ]
Michael Gross: Blaire Dixon, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia! Blair, it looks like you really put a lot of work into that interpretation.
Blaire Dixon: Well, thank you. I believe that hard work is a way of saying I care about myself. I care enough to take pride in whatever goal I set for myself, [ glances at the judges ] and that is why I put in over TWELVE HUNDRED HOURS rehearsing Nora’s admonition to Torvald. Thank you! [ walks away ]
Michael Gross: Wow! She was prepared! Okay, now Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York, will play “Jingle Bells” on the xylophone.
[ Denise, wearing a skimpy red sequined skirt and matching top, plays the first part in G ]
Denise O’Donnell: Key change … [ finishes the song in C. Wild applause! ]
Michael Gross: Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York! Denise O’Donnell! [ she walks over to him ] Very nice. Denise, how long have you been playing the xylophone?
Denise O’Donnell: Oh, about five years now. But uh, you know, I don’t take it too serious, I mean, like I’m gonna be a professional xylophone player? I play for fun. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, right?
Michael Gross: Are you ever! Huh? [ applause, she walks away ] Now that is self-esteem! She plays terribly, and yet she feels great about herself! Huh? [ Blaire re-emerges in her blue gown ]
Blaire Dixon: That’s not, that’s not self-esteem! No one with self-esteem would come out and do that! She played the xylophone and she was awful! And I practiced over twelve hundred hours on my speech —
Michael Gross: [ interrupts her ] Please, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia —
Blaire Dixon: Well, I did! I did — [ storms off ]
Michael Gross: — we have to move on now to our final category. Okay, here’s where we ask each of our finalists a question to test her poise and self-esteem. First, we have Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow. [ she re-emerges in her pink dress, still trying not to cry ] Cindy, that was too bad about the talent competition. But don’t worry — the question-and-answer category is worth twice as much.
Cindy Barlow: Twice as much? Nobody told me that.
Michael Gross: Well anyway, here’s your question: what three things in life are you most proud of?
Cindy Barlow: My boyfriend … and … my self-esteem … and … my boyfriend … [ runs off-stage, sobbing ]
Michael Gross: Oh gee, that’s too bad! All right — next is Miss Self-Esteem Georgia, Blaire Dixon! [ she comes back out ] Blaire wants to be a mother and a pop psychologist.
Blaire Dixon: That’s right, Michael.
Michael Gross: Okay. Blair, in the evening gown competition, you said that you could love others only if you could love yourself. Why?
Blaire Dixon: [ trying hard to look confident ] In the evening gown competition, I said that I could love others only if I love myself because, if I do not love myself then I cannot love others, but because I’m capable of loving myself, I do have the capability, you know, of loving others … because I love myself.
Michael Gross: All right! And finally, Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell! [ Denise re-emerges, in a proper green gown this time ] Denise, the Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am for myself alone, who am I?” What do you think Hillel meant by that?
Denise O’Donnell: Well I guess when he says if, uh, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me,” he could be talking about this girl in my neighborhood, Donna? Well, she married this alcoholic, and she does whatever this guy says. She doesn’t stand up for herself. And uh, when he says um, “If I am for myself alone, who am I,” he could be talking about her husband Duke, who’s a real, totally selfish pig. [ to camera ] That’s right, Duke, you are a totally selfish pig! Um, and I guess, Hillel?
Michael Gross: Right.
Denise O’Donnell: Um, Hillel wants us to live like my friend Brenda — she always knew what she wanted to be, and she’s an x-ray technician. And she always wanted to be that. And she helps people, and she’s real happy. And I hope that I’m like Brenda. Thank you. [ Applause ]
Michael Gross: Boy, Denise, you are amazing! Isn’t she? All right!
[ Denise, Blaire and Cindy line up next to each other ]
Michael Gross: Well — I’m tellin’ ya, you could cut the suspense in this room with a knife, huh? Well, while the judges tally their final results, let’s take our final look at our three finalists. Cindy Barlow, Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming … [ she’s still crying ] … Blaire Dixon, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia … [ she briefly sneers at Denise ] … and Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York. All right, I think our judges are just about finished tallying up their results — [ they give him a piece of paper ] — and let’s see what we have here. [ Drumroll ] The first runner-up … the first runner-up … hold on a second … let’s go with the second runner-up first, huh? The second runner-up is Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow! [ she is handed a bouquet and escorted to center stage. Denise tries to hug Blair, but Blaire pushes her away, still trying to maintain a smile ] All right! And now it’s down to these two. Before I announce the first runner-up, I wanna emphasize how important she is. Because, should our winner lose her self-esteem, and thus become unable to fulfill her duties, the first runner-up will assume the title of Miss Self-Esteem USA. [ Drumroll ] The first runner-up is … Miss Self-Esteem Georgia! [ Blaire storms off-stage ] The new Miss Self-Esteem USA is Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell! [ the contestants gather around her and give her a bouquet and tiara ] All right! Denise, before you take your victory promenade, is there anything you’d like to say?
Denise O’Donnell: Um, yeah, I would actually. You know, I really don’t need this award to make me feel any better about myself, but I think Miss Georgia could really use it, so I would like to give it to her.
Michael Gross: Oh, you are amazing! That is — [ Blaire comes back and snatches the bouquet; Denise gives her the tiara ] Judges? Can — can they do that? Aww — no, you can’t do that. I’m sorry. [ Blaire hands back the bouquet and walks off in disgust ] Well, Denise, it’s time for your victory promenade, and the Miss Self-Esteem song, sung by Mr. Jamie Farr. Jamie?
[ Denise walks and blows kisses as Jamie sings ]
Jamie Farr: [ singing ] She believes in herself, But she’s not stuck-up at all. She’s a winner, though she may fall, To pick herself up and pursue her dream. Because she knows, She’s Miss Self-Esteem!
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