Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 17th, 1988 Melanie Griffith Little Feat None Don Johnson Tom Davis Marc Shaiman Church Lady on Christmas EveRecurring Characters: Church Lady, Mesphistopheles.
Montage
Melanie Griffith’s MonologueBio: Melanie Griffith (1957-). Actress; daughter of Hitchcock actress Tippi Hedren; films include: “Body Double” (1984), “Working Girl” (1988); married to actor Don Johnson, 1976, 1989-96; married to actor Steven Bauer, 1981-87; married to actor Antonio Banderas since 1996.
First Guardian MetroCard
Miss Self-Esteem USA Pageant
CIA Christmas Party
Community ChapstickSummary: On a cold, blustery day, every disgusting person in town requests to borrow an uptight man’s (Dana Carvey) chapstick.
Little Feat performs “Let It Roll”Bio: Country rock and roll band, originally formed in 1969 by Lowell George and Bill Payne; band broke up upon George’s death in 1979, but reformed in 1989 with former Pure Prairie League founder, Craig Fuller, as their new frontman; other members include: Fred Tackett, Paul Barrere, Richie Hayward, Kenny Gradney, Sam Clayton.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 10th, 1988 Kevin Kline Bobby McFerrin None None Andy Murphy Bob OdenkirkA Trump ChristmasRecurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ivana Trump.
Montage
Kevin Kline’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Master Thespian. Bio: Kevin Kline (1947-). Actor; formed The Acting Company (nee: City Center Acting Company) in 1972 with fellow Juilliard graduates Patti Lupone and David Ogden Stiers; Tony Award winner for stage performances in “On The Twentieth Century” (1978) and “The Pirates of Penzance” (1981); received Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for “A Fish Called Wanda” (1988); married to actress Phoebe Cates since 1989. Also Hosted: 92t.
Game Breakers
Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, Jimmy Stewart, Jack Nicholson.
Bobby McFerrin performs “Drive”Bio: Bobby McFerrin (1950-). A capella vocalist.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Burns.
Alternate “Big Chill” Ending
Desert Island Agency
Bobby McFerrin performs “The Star-Spangled Banner”
Raspberry Response
Roy Orbison performs “Cryin'”Note: Repeat from: 86t.
Gariton…..Danny DeVito Bartender…..Tom Davis Patron John…..Jon Lovitz Cowboy #1…..Kevin Nealon Cowboy #2…..Dennis Miller Cowboy #3…..Conan O’Brien Cowgirl…..Jan Hooks Doctor…..Phil Hartman Patron John’s Wife…..Nora Dunn
[ The Old West, 1800’s, day. Mexican folk music plays as gunshots and a horse’s whinny are heard outside. Gariton, a bandito, enters with pistol in hand. ]
Gariton: ÁArriba, arriba! Ha ha ha! That’s right, it is me, Gariton! I am back from the hills! Ha! Aren’t you all happy to see me?!
Cowboy #1: Please, Gariton! We don’t want any trouble!
Gariton: Oh, but I didn’t come for trouble! I come for a DREENK! Which one of you nice people is going to buy Gariton a drink! [ shakes two patrons ] Huh?
Bartender: Why, why don’t you have one on the house? [ pours it ]
Gariton: [ walks over to the bar ] Aww … that’s more like it! BUT — [ grabs the bottle of whiskey and walks to the end of the room ] — when Gariton drink … he like to be entertained! Who ees going to entertain Gariton? Huh? [ points his gun at Patron John ] How about you, seor? Do you know how to dance? [ starts shooting at Patron John’s feet, making him dodge the bullets ]
Patron John: OW!! OW!! [ sits down, and everyone gathers around him ] Why, you SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh no — did I hit you? Where did I hit you?
Patron John: Oh, my foot! Oh, it burns! [ holds it in pain ]
Gariton: I shot you in the foot?
Patron John: Yeah, you shot —
Gariton: Oh no, let me see! Oh no! Oh, are you all right! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you! Are you okay?
Patron John: Get away from me! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Does it hurt? I’m so sorry! I don’t mean — let me help you!
Patron John: Go ‘way! You’ve done enough!
Gariton: Oh no …
Patron John: Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh, this is terrible. I should go get a doctor!
Cowboy #1: We just sent for a doctor, no thanks to you!
Gariton: Oh no, is it okay? I’m so sorry. Does it hurt? Oh, madre mia, why did this happen? I don’t know how it hap – are you going to be okay?
Doctor: Step aside. [ they all do so ] I heard there was an accident. What happened?
Gariton: [ sheepishly ] Well, heh heh, he was dancing, and we were playing around.
Bartender: That’s not what happened, you shot him in the foot.
Cowboy #2: Yeah, you were making him dance, and then you just shot him!
Doctor: Well why would you do a thing like that?
Gariton: I, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess, I, I didn’t think I was —
Cowgirl: [ hands on hips, in his face ] That’s it — yeah, yeah, yeah, you just didn’t think, did you?
Gariton: Oh, no, I’m so sorry, I mean, I didn’t mean for it to happen! If I could go back in time and change everything, I would … [ Cowgirl blows him off, walks over to Patron John ] … oh please, I’m so sorry, believe me, it was an accident! Oh, I did — why would anyone do that on purpose? I’m so sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry …
[ Exterior of a cabin. SUPER: “Later that day …” ]
[ Inside the cabin, Gariton paces back and forth in the hallway. The doctor emerges from the bedroom door. ]
Gariton: Oh, oh doctor, oh tell me, how is he? How is he?
Doctor: Well, he’ll be off his feet for a few weeks and he’s in a lot of pain.
Gariton: Oh, that is terrible! I am so stupid! [ sobs ]
Doctor: Well you said it, not me.
Gariton: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Doctor: A lot of good that does him now. [ walks off ]
Gariton: [ holds his head in anguish ] Oh no … oh God …
[ Exterior of the same cabin. SUPER: “The next week …” ]
[ John is still in bed. His wife stands by the door. ]
Patron John’s Wife: How’s your foot today, dear?
Patron John: Uh, it feels a little better, I guess.
Patron John’s Wife: Do you feel like seeing a visitor?
Patron John: Who is it?
[ She opens the door, and Gariton enters with a gift box wrapped in red paper. ]
Gariton: Hello! … Hello!
Patron John: You?!
Gariton: I, I just stopped by to see you, and see how you were …
Patron John: Get outta here!
[ His wife exits the room ]
Gariton: I, I, I have this for you, I hope you like it. [ lifts the box open ] It, it is a new boot. [ holds it up ]
Patron John: Well this, this is ni —
Gariton: You like it?
Patron John: [ throws the boot ] No! Get outta here! I don’t want that! You SHOT me!
Gariton: Well, well, seor, I have been doing some thinking. You know, that um, normally when, when people do the jig, like you were doing, they dance like this — [ demonstrates ] — see, but, but you, when you were dancing, you were dancing kind of like this — [ demonstrates ] — kicking feet like that — you see, so I’m thinking that maybe, we both are at fault, seor.
Patron John: No! No! It’s all your fault! You made me dance and then you SHOT ME! In the FOOT! YA SHOT ME!
Gariton: All right.
Patron John: Yeah.
Gariton: [ Danny tries not to crack up ] Well, then listen, listen, seor, all right, then, well, I am sorry, okay?
Patron John: No! No, it’s not okay! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Do you — do you not accept my apology, seor?
Patron John: No, I don’t accept your apology!
Gariton: But you must accept my apology —
Patron John: YA SHOT ME, YA SHOT ME! No!
Gariton: [ whips out his pistol ] You must accept the apology, [ says something in Spanish ] — I say, accept it! Accept it! [ starts firing shots into the ceiling ]
Patron John: [ throws his hands up in fear ] I accept! I accept! I accept! I accept!
Gariton: Bark like a dog!
Patron John: [ barks like a dog ]
Gariton: Now get out of bed! [ John does so, still barking ] And dance! Come on! Get up and dance! [ John hops on one foot ] Now act like a chicken! [ etc. etc. ]
Danny DeVito: [ excited ] Oh, thank you, thank you, oh thank you! Oh, my God, oh boy! Oh, this is it! This is it! This is what it’s all about, I mean this is why I do the show! Do you know what I mean? You hit those doors, they call your name, you guys are screaming! The adrenaline’s pumping out of me like crazy! I come to the Center Stage – yahoooooo!!! [ stops to reflect ] I want to do it again! Can I do it again? [ audience goes wild ] I’m gonna do it again!
[ runs to Arnold Schwartzenegger, seated next to wife Maria Shriver in the audience ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”
[ opening theme music and credits play, between shots of Danny DeVito watching from a monitor backstage with Stage Manager Joe Dicso watching for the cue ]
Announcer: It’s “Saturday Night Live”!
With: Dana Carvey!
Nora Dunn!
Phil Hartman!
Jan Hooks!
Victoria Jackson!
Jon Lovitz!
Dennis Miller!
And Kevin Nealon!
And featuring: G.E. Smith & the Saturday Night Live Band!
Musical guest: The Bangles!
And starring: Danny DeVito!
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito!
[ DeVito re-enters Center Stage, more excited than before ]
Danny DeVito: Oh, that was worth it, that was worth it, that was really worth it! Oh, my God.. oh, my God.. I’d come out a third time, but I don’t think I got it in me! I swear to God! Oh, man, that is the best! Excuse me a second.. I gotta sit down.. [ lies on his back on the floor ] Whoo! Oh, my God.. oh, yeah.. We got a really great show tonight! [ laughs ] Oh, God.. We got The Bangles! And a lot of funny stuff. [ catches breath ] Okay.. okay, I’ll just lay here for a little bit.. Okay.. alright, now, don’t go away, because.. we’ll be right back.
Announcer: Good evening. And welcome again to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Franz: Hello! We’re back!
Hans: I am Hans.
Franz: And I am Franz.
Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. you up!
Hans: Alright. But before we can pump you up tonight, we have to answer a piece of viewer mail.
Franz: Ya. Ya. This is a letter we received from a Bill Tompkins. I’ll only read an excerpt, so I don’t go into his loser details. “Dear Hans & Franz: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-“
Hans: Moronic.
Franz: “..Your moronic show, and have wondered why you don’t open your own gym. Maybe you are too stupid.” [ crumples letter ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make us angry; but it only makes us sad.
Hans: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us “stupid” is really just jealous. Because their girlfriend looks at us, then looks at him, and realzies she’s cuddling up with a little girly-man!
Franz: Ya. Ya, girly-man. Hear me now and believe me later – but don’t think about it ever, because, if you try to think, you might cause a flabulance!
Hans: Ya!
Franz: Poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house!
Hans: Sorry, Mr. Girly-Man, but here’s a treat for your girlfriend!
[ Hans & Franz flex their muscles egotistically ]
Hans: Alright.
Franz: Oh, and thank you so much for the letter. [ put crumpled letter in his mouth and swallows ]
Hans: Ya! Ya, don’t think for a minute he’s not eating it, because beleive me he is!
Franz: That was one delicious piece of girly-man.
Hans: Ya! You know, we’re not here to eat. We’re here..
Together: Pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Franz: Oh, and by the way, we’d like to take this time to announce the opening of our new gym in Wayne, New Jersey.
Hans: That’s right. Ya! It’s called the Pumpatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet Victor. He manages our new gym.
Franz: Ya, you know, because we don’t have time to babysit you losers. But believe me, we have trained him well.
Hans: Ya! And he’s one tough biscuit, believe me! Ya, come on out here, Victor!
Franz: Victor, come on out!
[ Victor runs onto the set ]
Victor: Hey, Hans! How you doing, Franz?
Franz: Yes! do you ever show pity on those flabby losers?
Victor: No! These losers, they need discipline! They’re fat, lazy pigs, who should be only dead! You hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead!
Hans: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, Victor, what would you do with a girly-man who wrote a baby letter?
Victor: Here me now, and here me now, girly-man! Don’t be thinking I can’t come to your house, and pummel your head with a 2×4 and knock some sense into your fat, lazy lard-filled ass! You should be dead! You hear me! Dead, dead, dead, dead!!
[ Hans & Franz subdue Victor ]
Hans: Alright. Alright.
Franz: Enough talk.
Together: We’re not here to talk. We’re here to pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright, Victor. Alright, thanks for coming down, Victor.
Victor: Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Arnold Schwartzenegger came by today.
Hans: Oh, don’t-don’t-don’t be joking us.
Franz: Ya. You’d better not be pulling my rock-hard leg.
Victor: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might see your show. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]
Franz: Arnold?
Hans: Coming here?
Franz: Today?
Hans: Today? Oh..
Franz: Oh..
Hans: Oh, I don’t believe this!
Franz: We are not properly pumped up!
[ Hans & Franz desperately start flexing and working out their muscles ]
Hans: I don’t believe this! Oh no, I can’t believe it!
[ Arnold Schwartzenegger enters the set, his pecs bouncing in rhythm ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Hello, hello. I am back!
Hans: Oh, Arnold, I can’t believe how properly pumped up you really are!
Franz: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect pumpitude!
Arnold Schwartzenegger: No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.
Hans: Hey, Arnold, look at this! [ flexes ]
Franz: Ya! Lok at this! [ flexes more vigorously ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates the proper way to flex his muscles ] That’s the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You know something? I hate the way you guys talk! What’s the matter with you? I mean, I sent you over here from Austria, to become real hard-core terminators, and look what you are – little termites! I wanted you to become real running men; but you are girly-men. Oh, come on, you make me sick! And look at those legs, they look like little skinny sticks! And those buttocks. Soft, like marshmallow. You huys are lucky you don’t have a campfire here in the background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What’s the matter?
Franz: It’s no use, Arnold. Compared to you.. we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.
Hans: Ya. You know, you could very easily flick us with your ltitlest finger, and send us flying across the room until we landed in our own baby poop.
Arnold Schwartzenegger: I know. I know, you’re right. But don’t be downing yourself too much now. Listen to me now, and beleive me later: it doesn’t matter how much you pump up those muscles, as long as you reach the full pumptential.
Franz: Oh.. okay..
Hans: Ya, I think I understand, Arnold. ‘Sank you.
Franz: Ya. Ya, Arnold. You’ve given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Ya. But now, hear this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 3rd, 1988 Danny DeVito The Bangles None Arnold Schwartzenegger Joe Dicso Tom Davis Conan O’Brien Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Transcript
Montage
Danny DeVito’s MonologueSummary: Because he loves the rush of coming out on stage, Danny DeVito requests the opportunity to do it a second time. First Hosted: 81s. Transcript
Sex TonightRecurring Characters: Jessica Hahn, Casey Kasem.
Reclino Love LoungeRecurring Characters: Wilford Brimley.
Bankrupt Scrooge
The Bangles perform “In Your Room”Bio: All-girl folk-rock/jangle pop band out of Los Angeles; members: Susanna Hoffs, Debbi Peterson, Vicki Peterson, Michael Steele.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Yasser Arafat.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 19th, 1988 John Lithgow Tracy Chapman None G.E. Smith Tom Davis Al Franken Conan O’Brien The Oprah Winfrey ShowRecurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.
Montage
John Lithgow’s MonologueSummary: John Lithgow makes sarcastic comments about Thanksgiving and plays a guitar tune with G.E. Smoth. First Hosted: 85d.
Long White Beard
St. Bernard’s ChurchSummary: A priest (John Lithgow) solemnly hears confessions from dog parishioners.
Tracy Chapman perform “Mountains O’ Things”Bio: Tracy Chapman (1964-). Singer-songwriter; romantically involved with author Alice Walker in the mid-1990’s. Also Performed: 89i.
The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Margaret Thatcher.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.
The AlamoRecurring Characters: Tarzan
Tracy Chapman perform “Freedom Now” & “Baby, Can I Hold You”
Keister Family ThanksgivingRecurring Characters: Marge Keister, Don Keister, Susan Keister.
…..Dennis Miller Imelda Marcos…..Nora Dunn …..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, what can I tell you?
The big story this week, of course – the election – and the next President will be George Bush, the Republican. I say this because a recent NBC News poll shows that 60% of “Saturday Night Live” viewers get all, or most, of their news from “Weekend Update”.
And now that the election is over, I think a little self-examination is in order – did we at “Weekend Update” contribute to a campaign that was dreadfully short on issues? A little mea culpa here – on the week that George Bush gave a major speech on trade policy, we did a joke comparing Marilyn Quayle’s hair to Laura Petrie’s. And the week Michael Dukakis outlined his defense strategy, we did a joke comparing Quayle’s head to a pumpkin with no candle in it. So, yes, we could have done better. But we’re only human, and all I can say is we’ll have to try harder.
In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. “This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest,” said Bush.
Dennis Miller: And now, “Weekend Update” has an exclusive interview with Imelda Marcos, as we go live to her home in Hawaii, via sattelite. Mrs. Marcos, can you hear me? This is Dennis Miller at “Weekend Update”.
[ Imelda Marcos appears on the screen behind him ]
Imelda Marcos: Yes, I can hear you.
Dennis Miller: Mrs. Marcos, how are you feeling now, faced with the possibility of going to prison?
Imelda Marcos: Prison? My God, I am a prisoner Now! Myhusband is very sick, we have been stripped of our dignity. My God! We have nothing!
Dennis Miller: What about those three big buildings in Manhatten?
Imelda Marcos: They are not that big. They are not that big!
Dennis Miller: Oh, come on, Mrs. Howell! Are we supposed to think that you and Thurston are helping the Professor make radio headphones out of coconut shells? Come on! This is Dennis, level with me, baby!
Imelda Marcos: Okay, we took the money, dammit! I admit it! We took it! And we knew what to do with it, man, you’d better believe it! We ripped off the whole Phillippine National Treasury, buster! We had a lot of money, you’d better believe it! And let me tell you something, I knew how to party. I was the party! I was hot! I could disco all night long and look like a million bucks the next day! Damn you! I partied with George Hamilton! I had a life, man, you’d better believe it! You can’t touch what I had! Now, all I have is my husband, Ferdinand. Hmmph, he’s some barrel of monkeys, yeah.. I’m a broken woman, I’m telling you, but I’m coming back, don’t worry, I’m coming back! I’m coming back! [ singing ] Fame! I’m gonna live forever! Light up the sky like a flame!” [ the satellite cuts her off ]
Dennis Miller: Well, I think we lost her. Thank you, Imelda. You know, you’re looking amazingly life-like as of late.
The Pillsbury Doughboy donned boxing gloves in recent financialads to show his company’s resistance to hostile corporate takeovers. The move brought fight promoter Don King to announce that Sugar Ray Leonard will meet the Doughboy for 15 rounds next month in Atlantic City. Leonard says his fight strategy is to go for the head, since every time you hit the guy in the stomach, he just giggles.
Long-distance runner Joan Benoit suffered a bad fall on the last miles of the New York City Marathon on Sunday, when she collided with a young spectator. The child was okay, but Benoit had to be destroyed.
Dennis Miller: She didn’t really, it’s a little joke. A lot of these are jokes.. You know, lately a lot of attention has been paid to stress and its effect on baby boomers. And now, with an editorial on the pressures of modern life in America, here’s “Update” correspondent Victoria Jackson. Hello, Victoria.
Victoria Jackson: Hi, Dennis! Thank you. Let me begin by saying that a new study shows that the thirtysomething generation, of which I am a member, is the most anxiety-ridden, emotionally-unstable generation in our nation’s history. In a recent issue of the Sunday New York Times, I read a very frightening statistic.. [ singing lightly ] ..“That my fellow baby boomers are so chronically-depressed.. we are more prone to suicide, divorce, drug and alcohol addiction, because of outside pressures and goals we have set up for ourselves which are highly unrealistic!“
“That’s why we’re all in therapy or going past aerobics. Or reaching out to anything that’s new But I have come up with a way to keep anxiety at bay and I would like to share them with you!”
[ jumps on top of the newsdesk and starts to tap dance ]
“I read the news and the press, Most of us will die of stress, Unless we dance ol’ chronic depression away.
We want power and control, That’s a really unhealthy goal, It’s time to dance ol’ chronic depression away.
If your back’s against the wall, ’cause your career’s in the stall, Don’t jump out the office window, ’cause that sidewalk will break your fall!
Take the blinds, take the chairs, Roll up the carpet and move the plants And dance, dance, dance depression away!”
[ Dennis hands Victoria a five-dollar bill ]
“If you want to shake the blues, Just turn off the evening news! Turn off the lights turn on the music!
And, you’ll stop feeling paranoid You won’t have to be Sigmund Freud Dance ol’ chronic depression.. Call the shrink and cancel your session! Dance ol’ Mr. Chronic Depression away! Yeah!”
I feel better already!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria. Hey, give me back that $5!
Another update on that whale story: the two whales surfaced again this week, as they popped up through the ice in somebody’s Big Gulp outside a 7-11 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
You know, the movie sequel “Ernest Saves Christmas” was released this week, one of the biblical signs that Armageddon is near.
And Meryl Streep’s new film, “The Life of Emo Phillips” was released yesterday.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I.. am..out of here!
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Air Date:
Church Lady on Christmas EveRecurring Characters: Church Lady, Mesphistopheles.
