[ open on a starry night – camera pans down to find Hans & Franz on their sleeping bags gazing into the night ]
Hans: Franz? Are you sleeping?
Franz: No, Hans. I was just counting stars.
Hans: Listen to me now, and believe me later: you can’t count all the stars, Franz. It’s like trying to count all your muscles.
Franz: Yes, you are right.
Hans: The universe is so vast.
Franz: I was just thinking, Hans: suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle, inside a larger muscle, inside an even larger muscle. It boggles my mind just talking about it.
Hans: Okay, then, enough talk. We’re not here to talk, we’re here to..
Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.
Franz: Hans? Are you sleepy?
Hans: No, Franz. I was just thinking: if the universe is neverending, that means, if we took our properly pumped-up muscles and lay them end to end.. still they would not reach the end!
Franz: That is very hard to comprehend. Hans, would you ever go up to Mars in a rocketship?
Hans: No, Franz. Because then I would be veightless, and that is my worst nightmare.
Franz: Yeah, good thinking, Hans. You know, they could never have a veight-lifting competition on Mars, because even a puny-sized man could lift a man-size weight.
Hans: Ya. In veightlifting competitions of the future, they’regoing to have to watch that very carefully.
Franz: Hans, I cannot sleep. I’m going to get up and have a nice hot cup of protein drink. [gets up ]
Hans: I think I vill join you. [ also gets up ]
[ a wolf howls ]
Franz: Vhat was that?
Hans: Vhat was vhat?
[ a cat screams ]
Franz: That!
Hans: I don’t know.. but if I was a wild bear thinking aboutattacking a certain campsite, I would think twice now and think about it again later!
Franz: Listen to me now, and hear me later, Mr. Bear: if you think that ve are easy prey, then take a look at this!
[ Hans and Franz flex their muscles for all the wild forest animals to see ]
Hans: Listen!
Franz: Listen to me now! Ve can.. ve can..very easily..
Forest Ranger: Hi, fellas! How’s it going? [ Hans and Franz scream in surprise ] Oh. Sprry to scare you guys. I’m just doing the rounds. It’s going to be $5 for the campsite, but you can pay on the way out.
Franz: You did not frighten us! We do not scare that easily!
Hans: No, you are entirely mistaken, my friend!
Forest Ranger: Well.. whatever. Oh, by the way, the showers are up at the top of hill there, and the snack bar’s closing in about ten minutes, so if you need anything.. hey, wait a minute.. aren’t you those two guys on the cable thing? The exercise thing..?
Hans: Ya. I am Hans!
Franz: And I am Franz!
Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Ya, that is us!
Forest Ranger: I thought so. Well, have a good night.
Franz: I suppose you want our autographs, huh?
Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay.
Hans: No, don’t be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger. You know, we get that stuff all the time!
Forest Ranger: No.. what would I do with an autograph out here?
Hans: Vhy don’t you get it for your girlfriend?
Forest Ranger: No, that’s okay. And once again, I’m sorry if I.. scared you guys. [ walks off ]
Franz: He did not scare us..
Hans: No, I was not scared..
Franz: Don’t give yourself too much credit, Mr. Out-of-Shape Ranger Man!
Hans: Ya, Mr. Smokey the Bear Man! You know, if you thinkyou scared us, my friend, then you are a dreamer!
Franz: Ya, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening!
Hans: Ya, you know, maybe we should wake you up by putting a bear trap in your bed, and then having it snap your flabby fanny!
Franz: Ya, and you would not even feel it, and then we’d bestuck with some trapped flab!
Hans: Ya, that’s right! Hear me now, and believe me.
[ other campers start to complain behind the bushes ]
Hans: Hey, don’t be telling us what to do, campers! You know, where do you get off yelling at us?
Franz: Ya, you know, if we have to come over there, you will bebetween a rock and a hard place!
Hans: Ya, that’s right! In other words, between Hans and Franz!
Franz: [ calm ] Alright, alright.. enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..
Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.
[ they return to their sleeping bags and gaze at the stars ]
Franz: Hans? Are you asleep?
Hans: No, Franz.
Franz: I was just wondering: what, if at the end of the universe, there was this big wall of muscle?
Hans: Ya. And what would be on the other side of that big muscle wall?
Dan’s Wife…..Demi Moore Dan…..Phil Hartman Demon #1…..Dana Carvey Demon #2…..Jon Lovitz Daughter…..Victoria Jackson Dr. Gould…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on Dan and his Wife in his living room ]
Dan’s Wife: Well, you’re certainly quiet tonight.
Dan: I am? Don’t mean to be. I’m just trying to finishthis report.
Dan’s Wife: [ struggling with file cabinet ] Oh, this thing! Dan, will you look at this?
Dan: What?
Dan’s Wife: This drawer! Would you fix it? It’s driving me crazy!
Dan: [ solemn, as the helpful demons pop into his head ]
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it!
Dan: [ get up to help ] Sure, sweetheart.. it’s probably just slipped off the track! [ pulls it free ] Yes, that’s all it was!
Dan’s Wife: [ standing on chair reaching at shelf ] Oh, I wish you wouldn’t pull my letters up here! They’re so hard for me to reach!
Dan: [ summons his demons again ]
Demon #2: Help her!
Demon #1: Kill her!
Demon #2: Help her!
Demon #1: Kill her!
Demon #2: Help her!
Demon #1: Kill her!
Demon #2: Help her!
Demon #1: Kill her!
Demon #2: Help her!
Demon #1: Kill her!
Dan: Be careful, honey! Let me help you.. [ grabs for her ]
Dan’s Wife: Oh, well, thank you.. It’s so nice to have a big strong man around! It could give a girl ideas!
Dan: [ demons to the rescue ]
Demon #1: Do it!
Demon #2: Do it now!
Demon #1: Do it later!
Demon #2: Do it now!
Demon #1: Do it later!
Demon #2: Do it now!
Demon #1: Brush your teeth!
Demon #2: Brush your teeth!
Dan: Well.. maybe we could have a little rendezvous.. say, around 11?
Dan’s Wife: Oh, okay. [ changing subject ] Oh, honey, did you get that present for your uncle yet?
Dan: Oh.. no. But there’s plenty of time.
Dan’s Wife: Yeah, but you know how the mail is at Christmas. If you just tell me what to get, I’ll go out and buy it.
Dan: [ considers his options ]
Demon #2: Red rum!
Demon #1: Red rum!
Demon #2: Red rum!
Demon #1: Red rum!
Demon #2: Red rum!
Demon #1: Red rum!
Demon #2: Red rum!
Demon #1: Red rum!
Dan: Well, uh.. I know he liked a bottle of red rum.. But I-I-I’ll take care of it.
Dan’s Wife: Oh, would you please? That would be great.
Dan: [ walks across and notices videotape ] Oh, what movie did you rent?
Dan’s Wife: Uh.. it’s an old Western with that actor you like..
Dan: [ laughing ] What actor?
Dan’s Wife: You know, uh.. the one who’s in all those musicals..
Dan: [ massages his wife’s shoulders and summons his demons for the answer ]
Demon #1: Keel!
Demon #2: Keel!
Demon #1: Keel!
Demon #2: Keel!
Demon #1: Keel!
Demon #2: Keel!
Demon #1: Keel!
Demon #2: Keel!
Dan: You mean.. Howard Keel?
Dan’s Wife: Yeah. That guy.
Dan: Oh. I don’t like him!
Dan’s Wife: Oh, I thought you did..?
Dan: I mean, he’s done some good work..
Daughter: [ enters, whining ] Dad, you can’t use the VCR! [ grabs his video ] I have to watch “Wuthering Heights” for my book report!
Dan: Fine. Go ahead.
Daughter: [ by the VCR ] Mom! Look what did to the machine! Healways does this! [ bends over ] Now I can’t push fast-forward! Why do we have this stupid old machine, anyway? No one has a top-loading machine anymore! You’re just too cheap to buy a new one!
Dan: [ almost kicks her in the rear, but his demons intercede ]
Demon #2: What are you waiting for?
Demon #1: Give her a hug!
Demon #2: Give her a hug!
Demon #1: Give her a hug!
Demon #2: Hug her!
Demon #1: Hug her!
Demon #2: Hug her!
Demon #1: Hug her!
Dan: [ hugs his Daughter ] Sweetie.. ah, just calm down. I know it’s an old VCR.. maybe we’ll get a new one from Santa!
Daughter: [ excited ] Really! Yay! Oh, with a remote! I’ll goget the catalogue! [ runs out of the room ]
Dan: [ shivering ] It’s freezing over here.. [ moves close to the front door ] ..oh, no wonder.. look, there’s cold air rushing in..
Dan’s Wife: Oh, well, no wonder it’s chilly in here. What can we do about it?
Dan: [ contemplates the situation, with a little help from his demons ]
Demon #1: Weatherstripping!
Demon #2: Weatherstripping!
Demon #1: Weatherstripping!
Demon #2: Weatherstripping!
Demon #1: Weatherstripping!
Demon #2: Weatherstripping!
Demon #1: Weatherstripping!
Demon #2: Weatherstripping!
Demon #1: Weatherstripping!
Demon #2: Weatherstripping!
Dan: No problem! I’ll just put in some weatherstripping!
Dan’s Wife: Oh, but honey, you’ve been working so hard. Are yousure you’ll have time?
Dan: [ thinking ]
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!
Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!
Dan: [nodding ] Mmm-hmm!
Dan’s Wife: Oh.. well.. if you’re sure.. [ doorbell rings ] Oh. I’ll get that. [ answers door, lets in Dr. Gould ] Oh, hello, Doctor.. come in. Dan, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is Dr. Gould.
Dr. Gould: Hello, Dan. Nice ot see you. [ sits down ] Dan, your wife and I were speaking yesterday, and she mentioned that you’ve been under a lot of stress lately. I’d like to try to help.
Dan: You mean.. you’re a psychiatrist. Nancy, did you call?
Dan’s Wife: Well, sweetheart.. you haven’t been acting yourself lately. You’ve been so thoughtful and considerate, I just thought I should talk to someone..
Dr. Gould: Dan, many people find that in a new setting, away from the distractions, they’re able to focus better.
Dan: Well, wait a minute.. you’re talking about.. putting me in a hospital..? [ his demons rise ]
Demon #1: Thank her!
Demon #2: Thank her!
Demon #1: Thank her!
Demon #2: Thank her!
Demon #1: Do it now!
Demon #2: Do it now!
Demon #1: Thank her now!
Demon #2: Thank her now!
Demon #1: Thank her now!
Demon #2: Thank her now!
Dan: Well, thank you, honey.. thank you for caring enough to do this. Will you pack a suitcase for me?
Dan’s Wife: Well, of course I will! And I’ll come to visit youeveryday! [ walks Dan to the door ]
Daughter: [ rushes in, sees her father leave with Dr. Gould ] Mom, where’s Dad going? Is he going to that place again?
Dan’s Wife: It’s going to be a tough few weeks, honey.. I hope we can get through it.. [ summons Dan’s demons ]
Demon #1: Take a class!
Demon #2: Take a pottery class!
Demon #1: Bring the girl!
Demon #2: Bring the girl!
Demon #1: Bring the girl!
Demon #2: Bring the girl!
Demon #1: Bring the girl!
Demon #2: Bring the girl!
Dan’s Wife: Hey! How about if we take a pottery class? You and me!
Daughter: Yeah!
[ they exit the room ]
[ dissolve into title graphic: “One Man’s Demons” ]
George Bush…..Dana Carvey Granddaughter…..Kirsten Dunst
Announcer: On November 8th, Americans narrowly averted making adisastrous choice that would have led us on a path of irreversible despair. That choice was Michael Dukakis.
[ show George Bush sitting in his living room ]
Bush: Hello, I’m George Bush. You know, it was a great littlecampaign, and we’re very grateful. We won the election, and we raised, as it turns out, a great deal more money than we needed. More than we could have possibly spent in the time allowed. Now, federal campaign finance laws say we must spend this money, or it reverts to the Federal Treasury. To avoid that terrible waste, we’ve decided to spend the money on one last, beautifully produced, negative ad. It’s our way of saying Thank You to all the many many thousands of people who touched our lives during this very long and very tough campaign. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this final negative ad. C’mon kids, come in here and enjoy! [ his grandkids jump on the couch with him as the ad plays ]
Announcer: Last Tuesday, Americans might possibly have chosen the candidate of.. Willie Horton.. Boston Harbor.. flag-burning.. and Jimmy Carter!
[ show Bush speech ]
Bush: “What is it about the Pledge of Allegience that upsets him so much?”
[ show another Bush speech ]
Bush: “..New Jersey, and talks about the pollution in New Jersey.. look over his shoulder, there’s Boston Harbor.”
[ show Arnold Schwartzenegger giving a speech ]
Schwartzenegger: “When it comes to America’s future, Michael Dukakis will be the real Terminator!”
Announcer; Last Tuesday, you made the right choice. You voted against runaway spending, you rejected a weakened defense, you said no to rape, taxes, child pornography, and filthy water. On November 8th, you dodged a bullet. Bush: He beat a bad man.
[ cut back to George Bush and the grandkids ]
Bush: Did you like that, kids? Did you like that?
Kids; Yeah.
Bush: God bless you, everybody! I’ll see you in January, but until then, from all of us..
Bush & Grandkids: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Vincent…..Phil Hartman Catherine…..Jan Hooks Bartholemew…..Jon Lovitz Jennifer…..Demi Moore
[ open on drive-in movie theater – Vincent and Catherine snuggling in the back seat of Vincent’s cousin Bartholemew’s car ]
Vincent: I promise you, Catherine, as soon as we buy the food, I will return to your side. Farewell for now. [ steps out of car and walks off ]
Catherine: Don’t be long, my love.
[ pan to full view of car – Jennifer Bartholomew in the front seat ]
Bartholemew: I might have to help Vincent carry the food, so.. okay.. I’ll be back.. [ exits car and follows Vincent ]
Catherine: So? Come on, Jennifer, what do you think? We didn’tdrive all the way out here just to see the movie! What do you think of him?
Jennifer: Batholemew? He’s okay.. I guess..
Catherine: [ sighs ] Oh, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so sweet and intelligent, and I think he likes you-ou!
Jennifer: Oh, that’s nice.
Catherine: Yeah. You know, Bartholemew’s a lot like Vincent – his beauty is inside, in his soul. And that’s where you must look.
Jennifer: Mmm-hmm..
Catherine: You know, sometimes I’m amazed at Vincent’s wisdom and inner calm, it’s so inspiring.
Jennifer: Yeah, it sounds inspiring.. Listen, I reallyappreciate you trying to set me up with a boyfriend, but.. I-I-I don’twant to ruin your night. I saw a bus stop back there, I think I’lljust..
Catherine: No. No.
[ Vincent and Bartholemew return with the snacks ]
Vincent: [ to Bartholemew ] Oh.. uh, could you get the door, please?
Catherine: Here, let me take that. [ reaches for the trays ]
Vincent: Oh, would you please, darling? Thank you so much. [ steps into the car ] Let me just walk past you here.. [ sits down ] For a minute, we were lost. But the beauty in this car was our beacon.
Catherine: No, Vincent. What you saw was my love for you.
Vincent: Promise me, Catherine, that you will never extinguish that love. [ they embrace ]
Bartholemew: [ sits next to Jennifer ] Here are your nachos.
Jennifer: Thanks.
Bartholomew: You know, when I was at the cheese pump, I didn’t know how much cheese you wanted.. so I put some on the nachos, and I put some on the plate.
Jennifer: Uh.. Thanks. How much do I owe you?
Bartholomew: Well.. it was 80 cents for the Coke.. $1.50 for thenachos.. but, maybe I should pay..?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. I would really rather you didn’t. [ hands him some money ]
Catherine: [ still in the embrace ] It feels so good with your arms around me. Vincent. You are everything to me.
Vincent: Without you, my love, there is no me.
Bartholomew: [ turns to Jennifer ] This tastes like Diet – I think it’s yours! [ thrusts the cup toward her ]
Jennifer: [ startled ] Oh.. oh.. oh, okay..
Vincent: Hey, you two. How’s everything in the front seat?
Bartholomew: Fine.
Jennifer: Great.
Vincent: No one’s watching the movie, I hope! [ laughs ]
Catherine: You guys should be getting to know one another, huh?
Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city’s sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He never mentioned that..
Bartholomew: Well, yeah.. the sewers. That’s where I live.. right? So.. you know, I use them to get around a lot, so.. well, you know, it’s funny.. but you learn a lot about the city that way.
Vincent: [ pleased ] There you go!
Bartholomew: Okay, uh.. I’ll show you. Where do you live?
Jennifer: Uh.. the East 60’s.
Bartholomew: Yeah, but where exactly?
Jennifer: Uh.. 62nd and 3rd.. 202 E. 62nd.
Bartholomew: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. there are a lot of toilets in that building!
Vincent: I think we should retire, and leave these two totheir privacy. But first.. Jennifer, would you mind turning down thespeaker? Bartholomew, why don’t you try to find 102-FM? Let’s get alittle mood music going..
Catherine: [ grabbing Vincent ] Come here, you!
Vincent: I can think of nothing I’d rather do! [ growlsplayfully, as they make out in the back ]
Bartholomew: [ fumbling for something to say to Jennifer ] So, uh.. do you ski?
Jennifer: Look, um.. I-I-I gotta go.. I forgot.. there was some.. “stuff”.. I was supposed to get..
Bartholemew: Oh, alright. When can I see you again?
Jennifer: Don’t do that. That’s not.. let’s just let it go.. Ican get a bus, and.. uh.. oh, well, uh.. okay. And listen, uh.. don’t call me. Okay? Bye. Sorry. [ exits car and runs away ]
Vincent: [ lloks up and notices Jennifer gone ] Hey, pal? Where’d Jennifer go?
Bartholomew: She had to get some “stuff”!
Vincent: Oh, really?
Catherine: Well, come on. What did you think of her? Isn’t she pretty?
Bartholomew: Yeah, she’s pretty.
Vincent: Pretty isn’t the word, Cousin. She’s a doll!
Catherine: Mmm, she’s the kind of girl you could have a lasting love with..
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 12th, 1988 Demi Moore Johnny Clegg & Savuka None Kirsten Dunst Bruce Willis Bush’s Final Negative AdSummary: The election is over, but, because newly-elected George Bush’s (Dana Carvey) campaign crew raised more money than necessary, he has produced one final negative ad against Michael Dukakis for the citizens of America. Recurring Characters: George Bush. Note: Future actress Kirsten Dunst appears as an child extra to portray one of Bush’s grandchildren. Transcript
Montage
Demi Moore’s MonologueBio: Demi Moore (1962-). Actress; former model; first gained attention while appearing on soap opera “General Hospital”, from 1982-83; film credits include: “St. Elmo’s Fire” (1985), “About Last Night…” (1986), “Indecent Proposal” (1993), “Disclosure” (1994); married to songwriter Freddy Moore, 1980-85; married to actor Bruce Willis, 1987-2000; married to younger actor Ashton Kutcher, 2005-. Cameos: 04o, 07j.
Camping With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Transcript
The World Of Dr. Know-It-All
Johnny Clegg & Savuka perform “I Call Your Name”Bio: Johnny Clegg (1953-). South American musician; mixes Zulu and English lyrics with African, European, and Celtic music styles. Savuka is Clegg’s second band, following Juluka.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Imelda Marcos. Transcript
…..Dennis Miller …..Al FRanken …..A. Whitney Brown
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
[ Applause ]
Dennis Miller: Well thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
[ Monitor: Picture of Bush in Ohio ] On Wednesday of this week at a stump speech in the Midwest, an overtly confident George Bush publicly voiced his intention to vote for Michael Dukakis. Bush said, “There’s no way I see this coming down to my vote. I figure I’d throw the little guy a bone.”
[ Monitor: “Election ’88” logo, followed by picture of Gary ] Election analysts today predicted that the turnout for the November 8 election will be the lowest in forty years. Encouraged by this news, Gary Hart today announced he was re-entering the race. Good luck, Gary.
[ Monitor: Picture of Bush and Schwarzenegger ] Among the celebrities endorsing George Bush this week was actor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a moment of unbridled enthusiasm, the muscle-bound actor accidentally tore the vice-president’s arm off! Bush continued the campaign through Illinois, while Schwarzenegger and the arm made a handshaking tour of Ohio.
[ Monitor: Picture of Dukakis in front of old houses ] In a final attempt to make himself a little more imposing, Mike Dukakis this week began a whistle-stop tour of those little villages you find under Christmas trees.
[ Monitor: Picture of old ladies in a voting booth, followed by picture of restroom stalls ] And in an effort to update the voting process this year, the U.S. Board of Elections unveiled a re-vamped version of the antiquated voting booth it feels strikes an appropriate chord for next week’s election.
[ A yellow sheet of paper is handed to him ]
This just in: in the last three minutes, Gary Hart was caught in a Washington DC condominium with a 23-year-old model, and announced he is dropping out of the race again. [ puts down the paper ]
[ Applause – a camera switching error occurs as two stagehands set up the whiteboard ]
NBC — [ waits for it to switch ] … all right. TV verité. You know —
[ Monitor: picture of Dukakis and Bryant Gumbel ] NBC’s Today Show performed a physics experiment this week, and as it’s been proved time and time again over the years, ego and no ego cancel each other out.
[ Monitor: Picture of red and blue boxes with “Bush” and “Dukakis” above them ] To get a better understanding of the electoral college votes by area, remember: it’s red for Bush, and blue for Dukakis. Let’s take a look at our Weekend Update electoral college map. [ the entire world map is red ] Well — that says a lot. Minnesota, Massachusetts, District of Columbia for Dukakis, and over there, I’m surprised — Lichtenstein went Republican this year!
More poll results: a poll taken of America’s prison population shows that 39% are for Bush, 39% are for Dukakis, and the other 22% of the prisoners abstain, saying they’re former members of the Reagan administration and wanted to play fair.
Dennis Miller: Here to take a look at the electoral college picture is Weekend Update’s Al Franken. Hello, Al.
[ Al Franken stands by a big white canvas, with a magic marker ]
Al Franken: Hi, Dennis. Thank you.
[ Al proceeds to draw a map of the United States on the canvas, beginning with Minnesota, Iowa and Wisconsin ]
Al Franken: Dennis, uh, this is a little talent I picked up after losing a bar bet — uh, I can draw all 48 contiguous states from memory.
Dennis Miller: I’ve seen Al do this before. It is amazing.
Al Franken: Well thank you, Dennis, and you’re doing a terrific job on Update this year.
Dennis Miller: Thanks Al. Thank you.
Al Franken: [ continues drawing the east coast – Kentucky, the Virginias, Pennsylvania, etc. ] I’m gonna use this little device to explain what I think is a very interesting electoral college situation, where Michael Dukakis could actually win the electoral college, while, uh, losing the popular vote, and doing this by taking a number of key states, uh, with narrow victories. Now, uh, I have to admit, I’m not totally unbiased here. I’ve, uh, worked on behalf of Dukakis, as have a number of celebrities. In fact, that’s where I guess a lot of my information. For example, Justine Bateman feels that the Russ belt is the key to this election. [ marks a “D” on Illinois, Michigan and Pennsylvania ] Ally Sheedy agrees, but feels that Dukakis might have lost Ohio when he picked Benson instead of John Glenn. [ marks a “R” on Ohio, then adds the Dakotas, Nebraska and Kansas ] Now Rob Lowe feels that this might be the year that Dukakis makes some in-roads into the farm belt. But I have to agree with Morgan Fairchild. [ draws “R”s on all four of them, plus Indiana ] Morgan says that if Quayle is playing anywhere, it’s in the Midwest. So Morgan gives only Iowa, Wisconsin and Minnesota [ marks the three with a “D” ] to Dukakis. Now I was talking to Linda Lavin …
Dennis Miller: TV’s Alice.
Al Franken: Yes. [ draws the New England colonies ] And she points out that Kitty Dukakis would be the first Jewish First Lady. So I’m giving New York to Dukakis. [ marks New York with a “D” ] Now, here’s something to watch out for. How many of his own home states will Bush take? [ marks more “R”s and “D”s on the map ] Orson Bean says both Maine and uh, uh, Connecticut, Dukakis will take his own home state, Rhode Island, Vermont, and New Hampshire goes for Bush. Now, Linda Lavin was saying that Kitty will help in New Jersey, but Joe Piscopo said, “No no no”. [ marks more “R”s and “D”s on the map ] Uh, Joe says Delaware and New Jersey for Bush, but West Virginia and Maryland for Dukakis. Now, the scuttlebutt from, uh, Judd Nelson, is that things are tightening up in the border states, but Sally Field says “Judd, you’re dreaming.” [ marks “R”s on Missouri, Arkansas and Tennessee, then adds more southeastern states ] Now that brings us down south, and where I have to agree with Leif Garrett.
Dennis Miller: Justine — that would be Justine’s boyfriend.
Al Franken: Gee, I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s where he got this. [ marks “R”s on the Carolinas, Georgia and Alabama, then Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana, then a “D” on Arkansas ] Anyway, he — Leif says, solid south, solid south for, uh, for Bush, even — I’m sorry, Linda Lavin — Florida. [ draws Oklahoma, then Texas ] Okay, now that brings us to what Lisa Bonet calls “The Big Enchilada”. I’m talking, of course, about Texas. Now, Lisa was talking to Shelley Fabares …
Dennis Miller: Donna Reed’s daughter on the old Donna Reed Show.
Al Franken: Yes. [ marks Oklahoma with an “R” ] And Shelley says that while Dukakis is behind in Texas, that, uh, Benson has a tremendous “get out the vote” operation — Dukakis by a whisper. [ marks Texas with a “D”, then puts “R”s on New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, then draws Idaho, Utah and Arizona and marks them with “R”s ] Now we go to what Tony Randall calls, “The Solid West”. Tony Randall’s “Solid West”, which will bring us to where Molly Ringwald says this election is going to be decided.
Dennis Miller: The West Coast.
Al Franken: Exactly. [ draws Washington, Oregon and California, then marks Nevada with an “R” ] Now, Molly was talking to Debra Winger, and Debra, as you know, shot Officer and a Gentleman in Washington. And she tells me that Washington, Oregon and California [ marks them with “D”s ] are within reach for Dukakis and, combined with Hawaii’s four electoral votes — [ draws Hawaii, then writes “270” ] — this all adds up to 270, the exact number needed for Dukakis’ victory!
[ wild applause which lasts for 20 seconds ]
Dennis Miller: Yeah, well thank you, Al. He’s amazing. Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen. [ they shake hands, and Al struts away ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you again, Al. You know, the current issue of SPIN Magazine, on page 47 — [ displays a copy ] — has a Trojan condom ad that actually has a Trojan lubricated condom in it. Now, this campaign was done in good conscience, but I don’t think it was wise to staple these things in here like this. [ the audience laughs and applauds ] I mean I uh, you know, just — They have ten rules for condom use here, and I love rule #10. It says: “Remember, never re-use a condom.” Well, thank you guys for that news flash, okay, uh — [ puts the magazine away ] — I’m sure I would’ve stumbled on that by myself eventually. You know how they test condoms now? They pull them down over Howie Mandel’s head. And um —
[ Monitor: picture of Imelda Marcos ] Well, one of McGarrett’s boys, Chin Ho, came to Manhattan this week. Hey Chin!
Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska were finally freed this week when actress Shelley Winters dove into the icy waters, swam to the pair and led them to safety. There’s got to be a morning after.
[ Monitor: picture of a map with a trail from Alaska to New York by sea ] In a follow-up story, here’s what happened to those whales: they left Alaska, came down the West Coast, through the Panama Canal, the gulf, up the East Coast, [ picture of Rockefeller Center ] and this morning, to the surprise of many New Yorkers, they broke through the ice in the Rockefeller Center skating rink! [ composited video footage of such ] Apparently they were uh — [ giggles as he waits for the applause to die down ] — Sadly, they were immediately booked as vagrant mammals and sent to Rikers Island to await trial.
[ Monitor: picture of Ferdinand Marcos ] Imelda Marcos returned to New York City this week to face charges of racketeering and embezzlement. The former Philippine first lady and her husband were accused of looting more than $100M from their national treasury. [ picture of Imelda sitting ] The criminal arraignment took place last Monday in Manhattan at Bergdorf Goodman, where Mrs. Marcos scoffed at the allegations but could offer no explanation for her gold-plated L’eggs.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a final comment on the electoral process, here is the man that I look up to most in the entire world: A. Whitney Brown with “The Big Picture”. Whitney? [ they shake hands ]
A. Whitney Brown: Thanks, Dennis. Well … my friends … over 200 years ago, the fathers of our nation created the office of President. I know it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, in those days, all you had to do was vote for the man you liked the most. But then, sometime around the Tyler campaign, it degenerated into the lesser of two evils. You had to vote for the man you disliked the least. And now finally, in 1988, it’s come to the point where you have to against the man you dislike the most. Maybe our soil has been depleted of some essential leadership nutrients. Or maybe our diet is too rich. It happened to the French. You know, Reagan is no exception. No matter how much you like him, you have to admit: he’s no Richard Nixon. But you know, the scary thing is, the time will come when Jimmy Carter looks like a great president. When we put all of this into The Big Picture, you can point the blame at New Hampshire. They pick both candidates; every election they get first choice. I know we trust them because they seem solid — “The Granite State” — well, it’s more like the “small mammals by the side of the road” state. There they are, passing themselves off as some kind of Norman Rockwell American archetypes — “Live free or die,” that’s their motto. It’s on all their license plates. But when you think that all of these license plates are made by people in prison, well, it makes you wonder what it really means! I tell you, I’ve been there a few times, and as far as I can tell, it’s an indication of how cheap they are. “Live free or die” … well, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s perfectly safe to hand over the destiny of our nation to a pack of maple syrup-swilling squirrel worshippers. But apparently, the idea has set the rest of the nation aflame with indifference. You know, last year in Haiti, hundreds of penniless peasants laid down their lives in brutal massacre, simply for the privilege of casting a ballot. And here in the home of the brave, 40% of the electorate doesn’t even bother to walk down the block to the polls. Even less, if it looks like rain. Maybe it’s time to think about holding our primaries in Haiti. But either way, I’ll see you at the polls. Thank you. [ shakes hands with Dennis again ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Good one. Good job.
[ Monitor: tiger-skinned MTV logo, followed by pictures of hair-metal bands ] A spokesman for MTV revealed this week that Quiet Riot, Guns n’ Roses, Metallica, Krokus, the Scorpions, Helix, Motley Crüe, and Poison are all, in fact, the same band.
[ Monitor: picture of the California Raisins ] Well — violence broke out this week at a California Raisin concert at the Altamont Speedway outside of San Francisco. Local motorcycle gang Hell’s Prunes, hired as the Raisins’ bodyguards, evidently roughed up the guitarist for the Jefferson Airplane who opened the show. A spokesman for the Raisins said “Hey man, sex, bran, and rock n’ roll.”
[ Monitor: article title “‘Scary’ virus clogs top computers” ] In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you, when you link up to another computer, you’re linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
Dennis Miller: And remember, only 76 more shopping days till Reagan’s gone. Hey Audrey, get well, ’cause guess what? That’s the news, folks, and I am outta here! [ does the “pencil swipe” ]
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz Lloyd Bentsen…..Matthew Modine Pianist…..Cheryl Hardwick Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman Leroy Neiman…..Kevin Nealon Willie Horton….. Donna Rice…..Victoria Jackson Jimmy Carter…..Dana Carvey Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
[ open on Michael Dukakis sitting in a chair in a darkened room ]
Michael Dukakis: Good evening. I’m Michael Dukakis. The Democratic candidate for President of the United States. Now, several months ago when we purchased this half-hour of television time, we planned to use it as a last-minute appeal to undecided voters. But.. quite frankly.. after meeting with my advisors, and seeing the latest polls, it’s clear to me – and it would be clear to anyone – that I don’t have a chinaman’s chance of winning this election. I’m gonna be beaten. Badly beaten. And I see no reason to sit here tonight and pretend otherwise. However, I’ve got thirty minutes of prepaid, non-refundable network time. Now, I could sit here, give you thesame old song-and-dance about “good jobs with good wages”, and “the best Ameroca is yet to come”.. blah, blah, blah, blah! But if you haven’t bought it by now, why bother? So, instead of speeches, I’ve decided to throw a party, for everyone involved with the campaign. It’s a good party. A fun party. And you’re invited. After all, the federal matching funds – you paid for half of it! So come on in.
[ Dukakis gets up, as the lights rise and a woman removes his business suit and replaces it with a Hugh Hefnerish smoking jacket, then he joins the party ]
[ SUPER: Dukakis After Dark ]
Michael Dukakis: [ is handed a drink by a bunny ] Ah! Everybody’s here. Come on, don’t be shy. Well, here’s my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen.
[ pan to Lloyd Bentsen, who’s chatting with two attractive girls ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..Then I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!” Ha ha!
Michael Dukakis: [ ambles over ] Lloyd. How’s that martini treating you?
Lloyd Bentsen: Not too badly, Mike. I wish the polls were treating us a little better.
Michael Dukakis: Well, Lloyd, we represent unpopular and discredited views.
Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! Now that it’s all over, you can tell me. You were gonna raise taxes, weren’t you?
Michael Dukakis: Well, you bet I was! Through the roof! But now.. I won’t get the chance.
Kitty Dukakis: [ from across the room ] Michael, would you come over here, please?
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] Well, as usual, Ted Kennedy’s got his eye on a beautiful brunette. In this case, my wife Kitty.
[ cut to Kitty and Ted Kennedy in the corner ]
Ted Kennedy: [ touching Kitty’s dress ] This is very nice.. what’s it made of..?
Kitty Dukakis: Senator Kennedy, please..
Ted Kennedy: You know, Kitty.. after a defeat like this, Mike’s gonna need some time alone.. If you like, you’re welcome to come down to Hiannas Port for a few days. Of course, you can have your own room..
Kitty Dukakis: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you, Senator?
Ted Kennedy: Here. Watch this. [ swigs his beer, letting it drip down his shirt ]
Michael Dukakis: [ observing ] Well, it looks like these two want to be alone! [ looks across the room ] There’s my friend Leroy Neiman. Let’s go see what Leroy’s doing. [ approaches Leroy, who’s painting a mural ] Hello, Leroy. That’s great. It’s great. What do you call it?
Leroy Neiman: Governor, I call this “What Might Have Been”. It shows the nuclear aircraft carrier Niemitz after its conversion into a floating shelter for the homeless.
Michael Dukakis: Well, it’s beautiful, Leroy.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Michael Dukakis: I think it’s right up there with the Olympic Moment series that you did for Burger King.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Willie Horton: [ across the room ] Mike! My main man!
Michael Dukakis: [ walks over ] Willie Horton. Give me five. Come on, give me five.
Willie Horton: Hey, man, this party is great! Yo! Thanks for the furlough.
Michael Dukakis: It’s no problem, homeboy. I’m just sorry I won’t be able to give you that presidential pardon.
Willie Horton: Oh, that’s alright, man, you tried. Say.. you know Donna Rice? [ introduces blonde woman he’s dancing with ]
Michael Dukakis: Of course. Hello, Donna.
Donna Rice: Hi, Mike. Would you like to join us for some dirty dancing?
Michael Dukakis: Maybe later, kids. [ to the camera ] For now, come with me, I’d like you to meet the person that I consider the greatest living American – Jimmy Carter.
[ Jimmy is engaged in conversation with Lloyd Bentsen ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..I looked him right in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!”
Jimmy Carter: Yes, well, I think I heard that, Lloyd..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: Oh, hello, Mike.
Michael Dukakis: I’m about to lose as bad as you did. Maybe worse. How did you deal with it afterwards?
Jimmy Carter: Well, basically, Michael, you go through three stages. The first is Denial: “I did win! I am the President! Yahoo!” But then when Reagan got inaugurated, I had to move on to the next stage.
Michael Dukakis: Which is?
Jimmy Carter: Anger. I was one pissed-off cracker!
Michael Dukakis: And then what?
Jimmy Carter: Well, then, Michael – Acceptance. I had to accept the fact that I was a downer. A liberal downer. A malaise-ridden liberal downer. A free-spending malaise-ridden liberal downer, who only knew..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy, Jimmy.. believe me, I understand. [ looks across the room ] Is that Joan Baez? It is. Let’s go listen. Why don’t you join us?
[ show Joan Baez singing ]
Joan Baez: “You’re lateral disarmament, abortions on demand Take everybody’s guns away, and toss them in the sand. Freec condoms for the kids We’ll not blame the criminals for anything he did. For who cam say what’s right or wrong, if there’s such a thing as sin? And all that really matters, is wars we lose or win.
Michael Dukakis: [ sitting on couch ] Well, thanks for coming to the party. That just about does it for the campaign. You know, I think the one thing that really hurt us is the fact that Reaganomics works. It really does. I mean, aren’t you better off than you were eight years ago? I know I am. How about the rest of you? [ looks at his guests, who shake their heads in agreement ] I wish you weren’t, but you are. You are better off. And there’s no denying it. Well, I’d like to thank my guests – my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen, who’d asked me to remind you he’s still on the ballot down in Texas; Jane Fonda; Daniel Ortega; an, of course, my good friend Ted Kennedy. Good night.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 5th, 1988 Matthew Modine Edie Brickell & New Bohemians None Morton Downey, Jr. Cheryl Hardwick Drill Sergeant
Montage
Matthew Moddine’s MonologueBio: Matthew Modine (1959-). Actor; film highlights include: “Private School” (1983), “Full Metal Jacket” (1987), “Memphis Belle” (1990).
The Republican Party
The Liberal
Church ChatRecurring Characters: Church Lady. Bio: Morton Downey, Jr. (1932-2001). Talk show host; as host of “The Morton Downry Jr. Show” (1987-89), he pioneered the “trash TV” format still rampant in daytime programming today; died of lung cancer in 2001.
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians perform “What I Am”Bio: Alternative rock/folk group, since 1985; members: Edie Brickell, Brandon Aly, John Bush, Brad Houser, Kenny Withrow. Also Performed: 90h.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Dukakis After DarkRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis, Lloyd Bentsen, Kitty Dukakis, Ted Kennedy, Donna Rice, Joan Baez, Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Win, Lose Or TieRecurring Characters: Bert Convy, Burt Reynolds.
Dukakis Ad
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians perform “Little Miss S”
Lenny & Two SammiesRecurring Characters: Sammy, Sammy.
Bob Vila…..John Larroquette
Tom…..Kevin Nealon
Peggy…..Victoria Jackson
Bob Vila: Hi! Bob Vila here, and welcome to “This Old House”. Today, we’re going to be rehabilitating this beautiful 1865 Victorian farmhouse. It hasn’t been lived in in 123 years, which presents a lot of problems for its new owners, Tom and Peggy McGinnis, who bought this house over a year ago. Tom, Peggy? Now, I noticed you already had trouble in the basement, because the house was built over a sacred Indian burial mound.
Tom: That’s right, Bob. It’s really grim down there.
Bob Vila: And we know that can cause problems all over the house – which brings us to today’s topic: low-bearing walls that sweat blood.
Tom: Yeah. Bob, what causes that in these older houses?
Bob Vila: Well, this is an outside wall, so it could be loose siding, dry gutters, bad copper flashing.. or.. evil forces from beyond the grave that we just don’t understand. Now, I noticed it says, “All Must Die”. Does it always say that?
Tom: Uh.. well, sometimes it says, “This is the House of Death”, or something like, “Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!”
Peggy: We’ve tried everything – we’ve tried polyurethane, and sealer, and varnish.. but it still comes through.
Bob Vila: Well, that’s probably because this is very old plaster. So, what we’re going to do today is we’re going to stud out from the wall with 2x4s, and put up a vapor barrier and insulation, okay? [ calls offscreen ]Jose, Luis? [ immigrant lackey enter with 2×4 frame ] Now, you remember what we said about vapor barrier, Tom?
Tom: Yeah.. keep the vapor barrier facing the blood side.
Bob Vila: Right, right!
[ a scream rings out ]
Now, you have a sound problem in this room, too, right, Tom?
Tom: Well, actually, that’s coming from upstairs. Usually, it says something like.. [ demonic ] “Worship Lucifer! Kneel before the Prince of Darkness!”Other times, it screams incoherently, uh.. like, you know.. anything, anything. It is really irritating.
Peggy: Yeah, we’d really like to get it fixed by next month, because that’s where we plan to put the nursery.
Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, I’m gonna be real honest with you – you can’t completely eliminate a full-blown demonic rant. But.. I’ve used this in a few houses – it’s a sound baffle from Owens-Mansfield. you install it in the ceiling between the rafters, and what you get is a more conversational sound, more like.. [ places sound baffle up to mouth and whispers ] “Worship Lucifer.. kneel before the Prince of Darkness..” [ lowers sound baffle ] But, getting back to this room, which is the family room, right?
Tom: Yeah. Well, we’ve got a real problem over here, Bob.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh, let’s see.. [ walks over ] Oh, yeah, yeah.. you’ve got a big wall full of trapped souls.
Tom: No, no, no.. this is actually next summer’s project. I’m talking about the floor right here.
Peggy: Yeah. What is this, Bob?
Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, this is a hellmouth. You don’t want to leave this open, not with a baby in the house.
Tom: No. We’ve already lost one sleeper-sofa down there.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh.
Peggy: Is there any way to hide it?
Bob Vila: Well, no, there’s no way to really hide a hellmouth. But what you can do is feature it. You know, make it part of the room, with an antique mantel, a focal point.. you can decide..
Peggy: Honey, the baby’s kicking – look! [ stomach jumps out of control ]
[ noise sounds from upstairs, yelling, “Satan! Satan!” ]
Tom: Oh? Now, see, there’s that noise I was talking about earlier.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Listen, don’t you worry, we’re going to install that sound baffle next week. Unfortunately, we’re about out of time. But, we’ll be back to show Tom and Peggy how to extract crypts from the cell wall without disturbing the foundation. Right, Tom?
[ Tom lurches forward and falls facedown on the table, numerous screwdrivers stabbed into his back ]
Well, Tom’s dead! So, I guess I’ll be seeing you next time on “This Old House”. Bye bye!
Air Date:
