Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.

Vernon Hawley, Jr…..John Larroquette

[ open on Vernon Hawley, Jr. sitting atop a stool with a guitar in his hands ]

[ SUPER: “Monday Night!” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”

[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]

“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”

Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “The Drivin’ Song” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”

[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]

“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”

[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]

“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”

[ SUPER: “Dear Son” ]

“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”

Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]

“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”

[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me (Again)” ]

“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”

Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..

[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”

Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.

[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”

[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]

“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”

[ SUPER: “Facedown At Christmas (Again)” ]

“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”

Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.

[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”

[ SUPER: “Off The Wagon” ]

“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”

Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

John Larroquette’s Monologue

…..John Larroquette
…..Dana Carvey

[ audience applauds wildly as Larroquette enters Home Base ]

John Larroquette: [ relishes his applause ] Yes.. yes, don’t hold back! Let it all out!

[ audience applauds louder ]

Feels good, doesn’t it? God, it’s great to be back! Center Stage on “Saturday Night Live”. I love doing this show! I love the sketches, I love working with the cast.. but all of that pales to this moment – me.. alone.. Center Stage.. with millions of adoring eyes fixed on John Larroquette!

[ audience applauds louder ]

That’s right! Feed me! Build me up! I am at the center! This is where I belong!

A year and a half ago, I hosted this show, and I tasted the sweetness of this moment. But, then.. [ kneels ] I had to let it go. Week after week, a pathetic parade of pretenders stood up here and tried to fill my shoes. And I could only watch. How painful was my exile. [ stands ] But now I am back in full glory! All energies converge and fix upon me! This is my spot.

So. Who thinks they’re man enough to take it away from me, huh? Come on! You’re all envious. You’re out there – who has the guts to steal my limelight? I mean, there must be somebody! How about you, Tourist? Huh? This is your moment., Seize it. You could tell all your friends back in Tourist Town that you bested Larroquette. [ laughs ] Not man enough, huh?

Oh, and what have we here, a college boy. Hmm. I won’t even ask you, you’re too busy hiding in your ivory tower, right? [ College Boy grows angry ] Yes? go ahead, take your best shot! Come on, come on, come on!

[ the College Boy rushes toward Larroquette, but is quickly tossed aside and disposed of ]

What was that, did a breeze brush my cheek? None of you are fit to challenge me, I am far too powerful! [ laughs maniacally ]

Dana Carvey: John, John? I’m sorry, I think the spotlight is, you know, going to your head a little bit. Come on, let’s get out of here, alright? [ John grabs Dana’s hands and squeezes tightly ] John..! John.! Come on..!

John Larroquette: What is my name?!

Dana Carvey: John Larroquette!

John Larroquette: Who am I?!

Dana Carvey: You’re the host of this show! [ John squeezes harder ] King of the Studio!

John Larroquette: [ releases Dana ] That’s right! And we have got a show worthy of me! Randy Newman is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Gay Communist Gun Club

Bob…..Phil Hartman
John…..John Larroquette
Caller #1…..Dana Carvey
Caller #2…..Al Franken
Caller #3…..Jon Lovitz
Caller #4…..Tom Davis
Caller #5…..
Caller #6…..Jim Downey
Caller #7…..Jan Hooks

Bob: Hi, and welcome again to the “Gay Communist Gun Club”, the organization dedicated to gayness..

John: ..Communism..

Bob: ..and guns. Let’s get right to our first caller.

Caller #1: Uh.. I’m gay.. and I’m pretty liberal.. but I hate guns. Could I join the club?

Bob: No, I’m afraid not. You see, while we certainly support your gayness, without Communism..

John: ..and guns..

Bob: ..it’s pretty meaningless. Next call, please.

Caller #2: Yeah, I love guns.. but I ain’t no Commie, and I certainly ain’t no homosexual. Could I join?

Bob: Sorry, no. We’d love to talk guns with you, but unless you took the next logical step of becoming gay and Communist, I don’t see much chance. Do you?

John: No, not really. Next caller, please.

Caller #3: Uh, yeah.. I don’t like guns, and I’m not gay.. but I’m just an ardent, ardent Communist. Could I be an associate member, or something?

Together: No-o-o-o!

Bob: You see, Communism without homosexuality is like.. I don’t know.. a May Day parade without a feather boa.

John: Exactly. Next caller!

Caller #4: I have a two-part question – with a 12-gauge, do you prefer the Winchester or the Mossburg.. and, uh.. secondly, are you two lovers?

John: Personally, I like the Mossburg, it’s a little heavier, has less recoil.. and, we aren’t lovers, but we have had sex on regular occasions. Wouldn’t you say, Bob?

Bob: Wellllll.. actually, I’m starting to lean toward the Winchester.

John: Next caller, please.

Caller #5: Yes. Was Marx gay?

John: Uh, I don’t think so. I believe he was married with children.

Bob: But, so are you!

John: [ laughs ] That’s true!

Bob: You’re on the air.

Caller #6: Why shouldn’t I just join the National Rifle Association, or the National Gay Alliance?

John: Well.. the NRA has certainly supported pro-gun legislation, but if you look at their record at promoting Communism or gayness, it’s actually not that good.

Bob: And, I could be wrong on this – the National Gay Alliance has yet to sponsor one bare butt safari.

Caller #7: Yes, I’m gay, I’m Communist, I love guns, and I’m a staunch feminist,. Could I join?

John: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lady, you’re all over the place! I think you should focus in on what you believe in, and then call us back. Wouldn’t you agree?

Bob: Absolutely. Take us. We just believe in gayness..

John: ..Communism..

Bob: ..and guns. And that’s it. Now, it’s time for what I think everyone’s been waiting for – our endorsement for President of the United States.

John: It was a tough choice, but we have decided to endorse.. George Bush.

Bob: Although he doesn’t support all our positions, we feel that two out of three wasn’t bad.

John: So, join us next week on the “Gay Communist Gun Club”, when we’ll be taking flowers from our communal garden, making different flower arrangements, and then blasting them apart with shotguns!

Bob: And don’t forget to call in, we’re always looking for new members, members who are gay..

John: ..Communist..

Bob: ..and love guns.

John: And remember – there is no god, but we think if there was, he’d be a gun-loving homosexual.

Bob: Bye bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Alien Dukakis

Aide…..Jan Hooks
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Mr. Krog…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Zarko…..Phil Hartman
Queen Phonobia…..Nora Dunn
Lloyd Bentsen…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, Dukakis Headquarters ]

Aide: I don’t want to beat it into the ground, but there’s only two weeks left. You’ve got to start showing some compassion.

Michael Dukakis: Uh-huh.

Aide: Now, the issues are on our side, but poll after poll shows that people find you cold, unemotional, cerebral, unfeeling, robot-like, aloof, icy, emotionally dead, wooden, uh.. no fun, uninspiring, uh.. [ now shown leafing through a thesaurus ] ..dull as dishwasher..

Michael Dukakis: Uh, thank you, Susan.. thank you.. I think. You make quite a compelling case, to show more emotions in the campaign, and, clearly, that’s what we need to do. Now, uh, if you don’t mind, I need a few minutes alone.

Aide: Well, okay, but Senator Bentsen is waiting.

Michael Dukakis: Look, tell Lloyd that I need just a few minutes.

Aide: Alright. [ exits office ]

[ Dukakis stands, and tears off his business suit to reveal spacesuit underneath. He removes painting on wall to reveal a secret video monitor to an alternate world in outer space ]

Michael Dukakis: Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Please acknowledge.

Mr. Krog: Intergalactic Command acknowledges your signal. All of us on the planet Curlos, uh.. myself, Mr. Zarko, Warrior Queen Phenobia, wait with great eagerness a report of your mission.

Michael Dukakis: Well, uh, to be frank, Mr. Krog, my plan for the bloodless conquest of Earth has hit a snag. It’s hit a snag. In the last two months, my popularity with the unsuspecting Earth creatures has dipped. And, even if I win the Popular Vote, I could still lose the Electoral College.

Mr. Zarko: Uh, excuse me? Popular Vote? Electoral College? I don’t know what that means. I do know that Queen Phenobia had a plan to conquer Earth. A good plan, a plan with death rays, with battle stars, with zylon clouds.. and you oppose that plan. You assured us that you could conquer this planet from within, and turn these emotional, irrational Earth creatures.. into willing slaves.

Michael Dukakis: Well, uh.. Mr. Zarko can ridicule my plans, if he’d like. But the fact is, the Earth creatures can be enslaved. I know – I did it in Massachuesetts. Quietly, without publicity, and I turned the economy of that state around. [ a knock at the door ] Uh.. who is it?

Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! It’s me, Lloyd!

Michael Dukakis: Uh, Lloyd, I need.. I need just a few minutes.

[ Bentsen enters, and is immediately zapped into vapor by Dukakis ]

Michael Dukakis: Well.. the vaporization of Senator Bentsen will clearly need an explanation. It’s crucial at this point that I concentrate.. but suddenly I’m seized with a strange sense of.. panic.. I panicked. But at the risk of running a human emotion, all I can think of to say is.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Restaurant Sex Talk

Bill…..Phil Hartman
Bob…..John Larroquette
Jackie…..Victoria Jackson
Cheryl…..Nora Dunn
Patron…..Tom Davis
Patron…..Andy Murphy

[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]

Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we’d better order.

Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I’m really sorry Jackie and I were so late.

Bill: Oh, no problem. It’s just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.

Bob: Ah, it’s not what happened with the car, it’s what happened in the car!

Bill: I’m sorry?

Bob: Well, I don’t know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]

Bill: Good for you.

Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?

Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.

Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!

Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!

Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn’t help yourself!

Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.

Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]

Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.

Cheryl: Yes, I think I’m getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.

Bill: I’m going with the scampi.

Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!

Bill: B-b-but, I can’t believe you were able to get four house seats to “Phantom of the Opera”.

Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.

Cheryl: That’s a handy person to know.

Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.

Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.

Bob: Yeah, it’s funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can’t stay in the same house with another couple.

Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.

Bob: And we’re very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.

Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there –

Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]

Jackie: First day we’re there, wee’re making it in the pool –

Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.

Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus –

Bob: Because Jackie’s moaning so loud!

Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn’t that cute?

Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.

Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!

Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!

Bob: Of course, I was watching!

Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m very happy that the two of you share an active sex life –

Bill: Honey..

Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.

Bill: Honey, I think that –

Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill’s prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!

Bob: I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we’ve been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.

Jackie: It seems that the only way we’re capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..

Cheryl: You don’t have to explain.. I’m very sorry.

Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..

Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]

Cheryl: Oh, God, I’m sorry.. I’m gonna go apologize to her right away..

Bob: No, no, no, that’s alright, I’d better go talk to her.

Cheryl: I feel really stupid.

Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she’s okay. Do you think we’re going to go to the show?

Cheryl: Well, I guess that’s not really that important now.

Bill: I guess not.

Waiter: Would you care to order now?

Cheryl: I think we should wait..

Bill: Yes. We’re going to..

[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]

Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Come Back To Carbon Paper

Boss…..Phil Hartman
Female Employee….Victoria Jackson

[ show Female Employee talking to a client on the phone, as her boss peers down at her ]

Boss: I need three copies by five o’clock. Don’t let me down now.

[ wall clock reveals the time to be 4:45 in the afternoon ]

Female Employee: Five o’clock..?

Second Employee: I hope you weren’t planning on using the copier, dear – we’re all out of toner!

Female Employee: Well, what about..

Third Employee: ..the one downstairs? The man will be here next Thursday.

Female Employee: Well, then I’ll just have to use..

Fourth Employee: ..the laser-printer? Good luck!

Third Employee: Now, what you could do is type it up here, stick it in the fax machine, fax it to Houston, they fax it to Chicago, then they both fax it back here – then, you’ve got three copies!

Second Employee: But what about resolution?

Fourth Employee: Doesn’t matter, she’ll never make it!

Female Employee: I need a miracle..

[ suddenly, the skies light up around her, as a piece of carbon paper floats down from the heavens ]

Carbon paper!

[ the clock now reads five o’clock ]

[ Female Employee hands the three carbon copies to the Boss ]

Female Employee: Here they are, sir!

Boss: Well, they don’t look so hot.. but you did beat the deadline! Nice work!

[ Female Employee wipes the sweat from her brow, leaving a carbon stain on her forehead ]

Announcer: Come back… to carbon paper. Please? We’re dying out here.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush III

[ show each President’s head encircled over a North European country ]

Announcer: Franklin Delano Roosevelt was of white northern European heritage.

Thomas Jefferson was of white northern European heritage.

John F. Kennedy was of white northern European heritage.

George Herbert Walker Bush is of white northern European heritage.

[ show Dukakis’ encircled just above the Mediterranean Sea ]

But Michael Dukakis?

Bush. He’s whiter.

[ SUPER: “Bush. He’s Whiter.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush II

[ show each President’s head in front of an American flag ]

Announcer: John F. Kennedy’s parents were born in America.

Abraham Lincoln’s parents were born in America.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s parents were born in America.

George Bush’s parents were born in America.

[ show Dukakis’ head in front of a Greek flag ]

But Michael Dukakis’ parents?

Bush. His parents were born in America.

[ SUPER: “Bush. His parents were born in America.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush I

[ show image of each President standing before a police line-up replica ]

Announcer: John F. Kennedy was six-foot-one.

Abraham Lincoln was six-foot-five.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was six-foot-one.

George Bush is six-foot-two.

But Michael Dukakis is five-foot-five-and-a-half.

Bush. He’s taller.

[ SUPER: “Bush. He’s Taller.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 22nd, 1988

John Larroquette

Randy Newman

None

Mark Knopfler

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy
Alien DukakisRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis.

Transcript

Montage

John Larroquette’s MonologueSummary: An egotistical John Larroquette declares himself “King of the Studio”, and dares anyone to try and dethrone him.

First Hosted: 86q.

Transcript

Come Back to Carbon PaperTranscript

Dan Quayle: PresidentRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle.

Portrait of the ArtistSummary: A look back at the life of Pablo Picasso (Jon Lovitz), an artist perfectly willing to make an ass of himself in the same of his own greatness.

The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.Summary: Ex-drinking country singer Vernon Hawley Jr. (John Larroquette) belts out a few classics he can barely remember.

Transcript

Vote Bush ISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush is tall.

Transcript

Pete’s FountainSummary: A big-butt waitress (Nora Dunn) endures jokes about her posterior.

Vote Bush IISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from an American-born family.

Transcript

Randy Newman with Mark Knopfler performs “It’s Money That Matters”First Performed: 75b.

Bio: Mark Knopfler (1949-). Musician; lead guitarist-vocalist for Dire Straights.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

Restaurant Sex TalkSummary: Bill (Phil Hartman) and Cheryl (Nora Dunn) are discomforted by the relentless sex talk between Bob (John Larroquette) and Jackie (Victoria Jackson).

Transcript

Randy Newman & Mark Knopfler perform “Dixie Flyer”

This Old HouseSummary: Handyman Bob Vila (John Larroquette) helps an expectant couple (Victoria Jackson, Kevin Nealon) fix up an old haunted house.

Transcript

Vote Bush IIISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from a whiter background.

Transcript

Gay Communist Gun ClubSummary: Gay hunting buddies (John Larroquette, Phil Hartman) love to talk guns, Communism, and homosexuality with their callers.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts