For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 6
Goodnights
…..Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Aniston: Oh, thanks to Sting.. John Carpenter —
Jimmy Fallon: HERLIHY!!
Jennifer Aniston: — and the cast! Thank you!
Jimmy Fallon: HERLIHY!!
[ Will Ferrell holds up a sign that reads: “Thank You Tim Herlihy!” above John Carpenter’s head ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 6
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
November 20th, 1999
November 20th, 1999
Sting
None
John Carpenter
Cheb Mami Donald Trump’s AddressSummary: Announcing his bid for President, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) names “Who Wants to be a millionaire?” winner John Carpenter as his running-mate.
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Montage
Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston didn’t bring boyfriend Brad Pitt with her this time around, but she does initiate her own version of “Fight Club” with the female cast members.
Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Helen Madden, Gayle Gleason.
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Computer tech Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) makes fun of his company’s dumb employees.
Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.
Transcript
Wayne PorterSummary: Island castaway Wayne Porter (Chris Parnell) seeks re-election.
PrivolinSummary: While at a business meeting, Angela (Jennifer Aniston) breaks the fourth wall to talk about genital herpes.
Sex and the CitySummary: Carrie Bradshaw (Jennifer Aniston) tries to seduce Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan).
Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) reads a few lines from his biography. Colin Quinn and Tracy morgan engage in a subliminal race debate.
Recurring Characters: George W. Bush.
Transcript
Sting performs “Brand New Day”
Christmas UrchinsSummary: Urchins-for-hire, Peter (Jennifer Aniston) and Pip (Rachel Dratch) beg to their renters’ delights.
Kim PlunkettSummary: Kim Plunkett (Will Ferrell) runs again Wayne Porter for island leader.
Pokemon ParentsSummary: Mother (Jennifer Aniston) yells at her son for not caving in to the Pokemon fad.
Transcript
Sting & Cheb Mami perform “Desert Rose”
Roberta’s ThanksgivingRecurring Characters: Roberta.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Great Moments in Corporate History
Samuel Kernan…..Will Ferrell
Secretary…..Ana Gasteyer
Karl Steer…..Garth Brooks
Frank Lizkulm…..Chris Parnell
Phil Don Levi…..Tim Meadows
Ciro Barkley…..Darrell Hammond
Andy Weiland…..Horatio Santz
Winston Laforge…..Jimmy Fallon
Jennifer Johnson…..Rachel Dratch
[ Establishment shot : Headquarters of Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. Sign in front of building reads :”Warner-Lambert: World Headquarters”]
[ Shot : Warner-Lambert executive meeting room. Samuel Kernan is standing up at the end of the table, talking to his staff. ]
Samuel Kernan : This is a great day for Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. This merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together and as the single largest and most influential, drug supplier worldwide. And now when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I want all of you to join me and welcoming them.
Secretary : [ secretary enters the set ] People from American Home Products are here sir.
Samuel Kernan : Oh, wonderful! Okay, sendem in Ms.Chett
Secretary : [ secretary leaves the set ] Gentlemen, if you would? [ executives from with American Home Product enter the set ]
Samuel Kernan : Karl! How are you?
Karl Steer : How are you doing Samuel? [ they shake hands ]
Samuel Kernan : Ladies and gentlemen please uh, have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Uh, Im Samuel Kernan, and Im the actual Chairman of Warner and Lambert, and I think I should speak for all of us when I say “Welcome”. Uh, let me just quickly introduce my team here. Uh, to my right is Henry Schimmel our Chief Executive and to his right, Lawrence Marble he runs our Marketing Bill Kaystings over there in the hat, uh Steve Munsen, Jeff Kennington, Charles Weakman – from Research and Development – and hes next to Mathiew Lopkin, Hank Drummond, Trent Baker, Parker Winslow heads up our European team, uh, Rip Giltor works in P.R. with Layla Cassey and Kent Lamken, uh, Burt Treybur, Fred Kurl, Lyle Di Angelo down there, Brett Sheyburs, Philton Madison, and thats Samuel Whetston and uh, Adrien Easse, down there next to Jasper Loost, Paul Warner, Mark Shitling, and Lanear Morehead uh, passed Lanear theres Kent Sanderson and Harnold Hoatch, Peter Kallingback in the plied jacket, of course Dirk Ford, Preston Phillips just had a baby Arthur Rowlings, Anson Pierce, Dominik Hentsbruck, Wilson Smith, Debra Hillson, Kwan Pak, Cameron Wong-Jett, Richard Kyle, Dana Grott, Bill Wilder, Kevin McTattle, Bren Bearsley heads up our Personnel next to her is Lance Fortune and Granch Freemont theres, Dick Bartum right there uh, Windsel Kelly, Andy Pearson, Paul Jacobson and Lenny Forem [ Samuel Kernan takes big a glass of water and continues ] Will Suncek, uh, Amanda Sphorget, Jim Palter, Lester Bedlie down there, Gale Dutrik, Vince OGrady, Marl Oppaulond, uh, Robert Gettlingbush, Forrest Birss, Chester Lang, Richard Camperton, Art Wonder, theres Mark Williams, Christopher Hagerty, Gaston Lejeune I think I pronounced that right Wilson Steinman down there, uh Damon Winckerminch, Wes Fitzpatrick, Gene Stewart, and there on the end, Kyle Gotleed, Nick Windstad, Herbert Locks, Wayne Forrest and Kevin Warner. And that runs out the owners of Warner and Lambert team, uh, Brett Holkum couldnt make it theres a illness in his family. [ Samuel Kernan sits down, Karl steer get off his chair ]
Karl Steer : It was my pleasure gentlemen hum, Im Karl Steer, and Im the president of with American Home Product and uh, Id rather not take my family to the test. Id just like to allow my staff to hum, introduce themselves, so Frank, if you wouldnt mind starting up.
Frank Lizkulm : Sure. Frank Lizkulm executive in charges of Sales- pleasure to meet you.
Phil Don Levi : Uh, Phil Don Levi
Ciro Barkley : Ciro Barkley
Andy Weiland : Andy Weiland Marketing.
Winston Laforge : Winston Laforge
Jennifer Johnson : Jonnifer Jenhson- uh I mean, Jennifer Johnson [ all the executives look at her, shocked, Samuel Kernan stands up ]
Samuel Kernan: What was that?
Jennifer Johnson : uh, I slipped up.
Samuel Kernan: You what?
Jennifer Johnson : I just got, tripped up, I [ Samuel Kernan studies the situation nervously ]
Samuel Kernan : No. No I dont like the way this feels. The Mergers off! [ the executives takes their briefcases and leave ] Every once in a while theyre gonna ask Stutter Puss down there! Okay? Good Day!
[ SUPER: Great Moments in Corporate History ]
V/O : Youve been watching “Great Moments in Corporate History”. See you next time.
[ Fade out ]
Submitted by: P-Y
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
…..Colin Quinn
…..Molly Shannon
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Here are tonight’s top stories.
President Clinton participated in his first ever presidential Internet chat at George Washington University this week. Clinton spent about 90 minutes online, although most of the conversations ended with, “Mr. President, before we go any further, I’m gonna need your credit card number.” [modest reaction]…Nothing like starting off with a bang.
On Tuesday…Germany celebrated the tenth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, featuring a reunion of Helmut Kohl, Mikhail Gorbachev, and George Bush, which prompted a desperate George W. Bush to declare he could identify at least one of these three former world leaders. [some applause]
Governor Bush insisted this week that he’s fit for office because he knows how to bring peace between world leaders, despite his recent difficulty in naming them. Asked how he would do this, Bush says he’ll use the old trick of greeting everyone with “Chief!“, “Big guy!“, and “Hey, there he is!”
Hillary Clinton returned today from a controversial four-day tour of Israel and Jordan, which critics sai – saw as a crass attempt to curry favor with Jewish voters as part of her bid for New York’s Senate seat. Clinton responded angrily to that charge, saying, “Hey! How ’bout them Yankees?”
A portrait of Pablo Picasso’s mistress, Dora Maar, sold for 49.5 million dollars at Sotheby’s early this week. The painting is of particular interest because art critics have long wondered why Picasso even had a mistress when you consider how hot his [photo of Picasso’s Portrait of Jacqueline] wife was.
Comedian and long-standing bachelor Jerry Seinfeld got engaged this week to his on-again/off-again girlfriend, Jessica Sklar. The romantic proposal occurred after dinner at a downtown Manhattan restaurant when Seinfeld dropped to one knee, and with tears in his eyes, asked Sklar, “Who wants to be a millionaire?”
In a report released this week on the nation’s Y2K preparedness, the White House reassured Americans that lights won’t go out, planes won’t crash, and nuclear bombs will not accidentally detonate because of the computer glitch. Still upset with last week’s court finding, Bill Gates remarked, “That’s what you think.” [some applause]
The report also noted that in terms of Y2K readiness, Alabama is the nation’s least prepared state. Alabama authorities, however, insist that they’ll get to the Y2K problem as soon as they address the state’s long-standing Y1K difficulties. [scattered applause]
We now present a very special installment of Weekend Update’s “The Millennium,” as we name our choice for Man of the Millennium.
[Dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures as dark, mysterious music plays. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, Philadelphia 76ers basketball player Darryl Dawkins.]
Announcer #1: “History,” wrote Thomas Carlisle, “is the biography of great men.” Tonight, we nominate one to stand above the others: Darryl Dawkins.
[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” Part Three: Man of the Millennium.
[Fade to black, then fade up to a series of pictures as music becomes more triumphant. Sequence is as follows: panning historical timeline; dissolve to portrait of William Shakespeare; dissolve to photo of Albert Einstein; dissolve to photo of Darryl Dawkins; dissolve to another photo of Dawkins; dissolve to collective picture of Shakespeare, Dawkins, and Einstein; dissolve to photo of two men at a supercomputer; cut to clip of Dawkins standing on court; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Kansas City; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Philadelphia; dissolve to converging portraits of Shakespeare and Einstein, fade down portraits and fade up clip of Dawkins’ second glass-shattering slam dunk; dissolve to photo of Dawkins, fade up yellow banner at the bottom that reads “Man of the Millennium.”]
Announcer #1: From a thousand years of history, we selected three finalists. William Shakespeare, master of the written word; Albert Einstein, decoder of cosmic mysteries; and Darryl Dawkins, who named his dunks “The Go-Rilla” and “Rump-Roaster,” while claiming he was from the planet Lovetron. Three great men. But to choose one, we need a common ground on which to judge them. At random, this supercomputer chose: basketball. The head-to-head comparison went like this: over and over, Darryl Dawkins pounded violent, almost pornographic dunks over the once-great patent clerk and the effeminate actor, raining a shower of glass and terror on the two cowering nerds. So congratulations, Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins, Weekend Update’s Man of the Millennium!
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause as music fades out, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Yee-aw!
This week, a nine-year-old boy was arrested for stabbing his friend over a Pokémon card. For those of you who don’t know, “Pokémon” is a Japanese word for “this week’s excuse.”
Bostrox Records announced plans this week to release a CD featuring calypso songs sung by Louis Farrakhan, recorded before he had to abandon his music career in order to become the leader of the Nation of Islam. Of course, if Farrakhan were a young man today, he’d have a way to combine both his love of music and his hatred of white people — rap. [little reaction]…Oh-h-h yeah, I’m just gonna…I can’t get a f – laugh on a Farrakhan joke in the Garth Brooks show, folks. That’s a little politically correct for my taste, I’m sorry.
The Senate this week approved a bill that will raise the minimum wage one dollar to 6.15 over the next 28 months. Meaning now people who work at McDonald’s can actually afford to eat there.
In international news, Israel’s recent sale to China of a sophisticated 250-million-dollar airborne radar system raised serious concerns at the Pentagon this week. Defense officials are worried about the idea of China buying from Israel, noting that usually it’s Jews who are ordering Chinese. [scattered applause]…But that was okay? All right.
A Florida company signed a deal with the Vatican last week to issue commemorative Pope John Paul the Second phone cards. Boy, how guilty am I going to feel when I use a Pope phone card to call my girlfriend for long-distance phone sex?…It was rhetorical, actually, but…
On a five-day tour of Asia this week, the Pope himself launched a conversion drive that the Church hopes will reap a “harvest of faith” in the next millennium. At a stop in India, the Pontiff tried to persuade an audience in the cyclone-, famine-, and flood-stricken country by asking, “Come on, look around. Do you really think you picked the right god?” [mixed reaction]…What are you, Hindu? What, is there a yoga class here today? Figures…
In business news, United Parcel Service went public this Wednesday with a record-setting five-and-a-half-million-dollar stock offering that had shares soaring 35 percent on the first day of trading. The only problem is that for investors to get dividend payments properly, they have to use Federal Express.
After just one week on the job, Bryant Gumbel, host of the new “CBS Early Show,” accidentally signed off by saying, “This is ‘Today’ on NBC.” In a related story, Marv Albert mistakenly introduced a recent Knicks game with, “Hi! Welcome to Spike’s panty and leather mask party!” [applause]…Thank ah!…Thank you.
Now, here to introduce her new editorial commentary segment is our very own Molly Shannon!
[pan over to Molly]
Molly Shannon: [shaking her fists] Wooo! [smiles at Colin and touches his shoulder]…[slapping her hands on the desk] Woooo! Yes! Oh! Thank you very much, Colin. Okay. I’ve been, um, reading the paper a lot lately, and I’ve been studying current events, and I’ve noticed that most news stories have one thing in common — the people in them are really crazy. So, I deci – I decided to start a new segment on Weekend Update called “The World Is Crazy, [makes circles with her hands around her head] Crazy, CRAAZY!!!” [circus-like music plays as colorful graphic “MOLLY SHANNON’S THE WORLD IS CRAZY!!!” flashes briefly]…That’s my segment, okay. Okay.
Colin: What would you like to talk about this week?
Molly: Okay. [fade out music] This week’s item is that Julianna Margulies turned down a 27-million-dollar contract from “ER.” Because she wanted to pursue a movie career, okay? Julianna Margulies, you are crazy, pretty lady! Crazy, curly brown hair, with the big pouty lips, with the big brow, helpin’ with CPR, with the flap jacket! You’re craazy, lady! You could – you could use that money to make your own movie about how crazy you are! Okay? Or you could use it to buy some anti-crazy pills to possibly cure you of the kookiness that seems to have…[jerks finger to her head] s-s-s-stuffed itself in your head! That’s 27 million dollars, [semi-French accent] Julianna! That’s ten million dollars, plus ten million dollars, plus two million dollars, plus five million dollars, and if you don’t take that money, [semi-French accent] Julianna, you are [making circles with her fingers around her head]CRAAAZY! Crazy! Crazy, pretty lady!
Colin: I don’t know, Molly. [some applause]…Maybe you’re crazy.
Molly: No, I’m not crazy, Colin! The world is crazy! [stands up an imitates her “Dog Show” character Miss Colleen] And I like…dogs!
Colin: [laughs] Molly Shannon, everybody! Molly– [Molly puts her arm around him; he kisses her on the cheek] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story…
Molly: Woo!
Colin: …and I’m sticking to it. Yeah!
[Molly sits back down]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
The Smurfs
Smurf #1…..Will Ferrell
Papa Smurf/Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Grouchy Smurf/Al Pacino…..Chris Kattan
Hefty Smurf/Garth Brooks…..Garth Brooks
Meatloaf/Smurf…..Horatio Sanz
Little Richard/Smurf…..Tracy Morgan
Smurfette/Helan Bodham Carter…..Cheri Oteri
Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
[OVER NBC LOGO MINISERIES LOGO]
Announcer: This Fall, on NBC, prepare yourself for a historic miniseries event!
[Clips from other NBC miniseries are shown]
Announcer: With the magic of Merlin, the majesty of Noah’s Ark, and the wonder of Leprachans..
[Words appear on screen as he says them.]
Announcer: All in one epic story of Love, Betrayal, Mystery and War!
[Cut to forest clearing filled with Smurfs. One smurf leaps up, sword in hand]
Smurf #1: Fellow Smurfs! Today we fight the battle of our lives. If we go down [He draws his sword] we go down SMURFING!
[Smurfs cheer. Cut to THE SMURFS written in an impressive and Dramatic font.]
Announcer: THE SMURFS. A story as timeless as the Bible and as old as the A-Team.
[Cut to Sean Connery costumed as Papa Smurf]
Announcer: Starring Sean Connery as Papa Smurf.
[Cut to Smurfs gather around Papa Smurf around a fire.]
Papa Smurf/Connery: If we smurf, let the bastards be smurfs WHO SMURF US!
Smurfs: Yeah!
[Cut to Grouchy Smurf, played by Al Pachino]
Announcer: Al Pacino as Grouchy Smurf.
Grouchy Smurf/Pacino: Let me tell you somethin?! I?m just getting? smurfed up! Hoo-smurf-ha!
Announcer: And an all star cast featuring Garth Brooks..
[Cut to Garth Brooks as Hefty Smurf, who wears Roman armour, bending over the prone form of a smurf.]
Hefty/Garth Brooks: Don’t Smurf on me, man! Do not smurf on me!
[Reveal that the smurf he is leaning over is played by Meatloaf]
Announcer: Meatloaf..
Meatloaf/Smurf: There’s.. somethin’.. I gotta tell ya.
Hefty/Garth Brooks: What, What is it, my fri-
Meatloaf/Smurf: S..S..Smurf. [He dies.]
Hefty/Brooks: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer: And Little Richard.
[Cut to Little Richard.]
Little Richard/Smurf: Gather ’round, all you Smurfs! Because not everybody’s getting Smurfy! [Sings] A wap babaloobap a wapbamboo! [He starts singing Tutti Frutti while the smurfs dance around his piano.]
Announcer: It’s a story of war, Magic, and Love![Cut to Helena Bodham Carter as Smurfette, flipping her hair in slow-motion.] With Helena Bodham Carter as the woman who tore their world apart.
[Cut to Smurfette/Helena Bodham Carter and Hefty/Garth Brooks standing on a bridge together]
Hefty Smurf/Brooks: Oh, Smurfette, I hand to see you. I’m..I’m half out of my Smurf!
Smurfette/Bonham Carter: Oh Hefty, you big, manly Smurf! I want you to smurf me! Smurf me right now! I want you to Smurf all over my smurfs!
Hefty/Brooks: Oh, I want to smurf you every which-way! I’m gonna smurf you in your smurfing smurf!
[They kiss and embrace. Cut to Celine Dion singing an over dramatic version of the Smurf theme song. Superimposed over a forest scene.]
Announcer: And a stirring soundtrack by Academy Award winner Celine Dion!
Celine Dion: La la la la la la, la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la Smurf!
[Fade to THE SMURFS logo]
Announcer: An epic so grand, an event so memorable, it could only be called.. THE SMURFS.
[Disclaimer and sotto-voiced annoucment appear:]
Announcer: Due to pending legal action, Smurfs may be called Blurfs.
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Wilson’s
Female Customer #1…..Molly Shannon
Nadine…..Cheri Oteri
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Roy…..Garth Brooks
Male Customer #2…..Chris Kattan
[ Female Customer approaches Nadine at the Merchandise Return desk ]
Female Customer: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Nadine: How can I help you today?
Female Customer: I bought this Cappuccino machine and I think it’s broken so I’d like to return it.
Nadine: Simmah down nah.
Female Customer: Excuse me?
Nadine: Everybody wanna return something, so just simmah down nah!
Female Customer: I wasn’t even getting excited..
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Female Customer: What are you talking about, this is ridiculous!
Nadine: Simmuuuuuuuh! Add it up; Simmah plus down, plus nah equals simmah down nah, now simmah down nah!
Female Customer: Oh my.. [ leaves in disgust ]
Nadine: Get to steppin’ nah, y’hear? Who’s up there? Who’s up?
[ Couple approach ]
Female Customer #2: Hi, I think we’re next, my boyfriend bought..
Male Customer #1: Yeah, we bought this shirt.
Nadine: Okay, everybody simmah down nah, one at a time!
Male Customer #1: Okay, well, I bought this shirt on sale, and…
Nadine: Give it here.
Male Customer #1: Okay..
Nadine: Give it here!
Male Customer #1: Okay, here it is.. [ he gives her the shirt ] One of the sleeves seems to be longer than the other.
Nadine: [ smells the shirt [ You wore it nah!
Male Customer #1: Well, I know, I had to try it on.
Nadine: Well, slow it down nah, simmah down..
Female Customer #2: Stop telling us to simmer down.
Nadine: Slow it down, nah!
Male Customer #1: Listen, we’re not going to slow it down now either.
Nadine: Quiet down nah?
Female Customer #2: No. Let us speak to the manager.
Nadine: [ into microphone ] Roy, come on up, I need the manager now, y’hear?
[ Roy enters ]
Roy: Hi, I’m Roy, is there some sort of problem?
Male Customer #1: Yes, thank God, a normal person. Listen, your salesperson here..
Nadine: Nadine!
Male Customer #1: Okay, Nadine, okay, she’s not being very helpful. She’s very difficult.
Female Customer #2: Look, the shirt we purchased is defective and we want to return it, simple as that.
Roy: [ smells shirt ] Oh God.. You are aware, sir, this is not cloth toilet paper, aren’t you? I mean, this is not underwear. It is meant to be worn on the upper part of the body, not drug through the valleys of your buttocks.
Male Customer #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Female Customer #2: I will never shop here again!
Roy: Everybody simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: Okay, I wasn’t upset before, but now I am furious!
Nadine: What happens when you cook greens at low heat?
Male Customer #1: You simmer them…
Nadine: Opposite of up?
Female Customer #2: Down.
Nadine: [ holds up “Now and Later,” covers “and Later” with arm ] Now read this.
Male Customer #1: Now.
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: We don’t need to simmer down now, we just need our money back.
Nadine: [ holding “Now and Later” ] Okay, not lah! Nah! Not lah! Nah! Simmah down NAH!
Roy: Hit me.
Nadine: Hit me.
Roy: Sim.. [ pause ] ..Muh.. [ pause ] ..Dahn.. [ pause ] ..Nah. Simmah down nah!
Female Customer #2: I cannot believe this store would hire you people!
Nadine: Quiet down nah! Quiiiiiiiiet down nah! Quiet down nah!
Male Customer #1: What disease do you people have?
Roy: [ holds up keys ] Key.. [ points to his armpit ] ..Pit.. [ holds up pillow ] ..Down.. [ holds up “ShaNaNa album, covers “ShaNa.” ] Na. Keep it down nah! Store policy.
Female Customer #2: You know, I cannot believe that you can’t handle a simple shirt return. What are you going to do for the holidays?
Nadine: Deck the halls nah?
Roy: Light menorah nah!
[ Couple leaves, as Male Customer #2 advances in line ]
Male Customer #2: I’d like to return this.
Nadine: Excuse me?
Male Customer #2: Take it back nah!
Nadine: Roy?
Roy: Don’t worry, I’m on it..
Submitted by: Jordan Davidson
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Express Flowers
Receptionist #1…..Paula Pell
Receptionist #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Receptionist #3…..Rachel Dratch
Heather…..Cherie Oteri
Donnie…..Garth Brooks
Katie…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Establishment shot : Skyscrapers]
[ Shot : Express Flowers action center ]
Receptionist #1 : And where would you like those flowers sent to?
Receptionist #2 : So thats a dozen roses to 143 Dustin Drive, ya?
Receptionist #3 : Would you like those in a vase or in a box?
Heather : Hello Express Flowers, this is Heather speaking, how may I help you today?
[ Split screen between Donnies house and action center ]
Donnie : Hum, yeah I wanna send like a dozen white roses to my girl.
Heather : Okay, and where would you like that deliver to?
Donnie : Hum, shes in Tallahassee, its in Florida, 887 Clearview road.
Heather : Okay. And what would you like the card to say?
Donnie : Have it say uh “To Gwen, Some flowers for the one I love Donnie“
Heather : Super. And what credit card-
Donnie : Hold on hold on, you know what? Scratch that! “To Gwen, I hope youve forgiven me Love, Donnie“
Heather : Okay. All right, great! Now what credit card-
Donnie : No, no, no, thats not it “To Gwen, I screwed up, you screwed up, now lets screw! – Horniest whishes, Donnie“
Heather : Thats what you want the card to say?
Donnie : Wait, wait, wait, stop! I got it all right? “Dear Gwen, jail changes a man, but I swear Ill never bite your face in anger again – love T-J“
Heather : T-J?
Donnie : Yeah dont worry about it
Heather : Fine, now for payment, would-
Donnie : Hold on, hold on, hold on.. “P.S. Gwen, when I caught you on fours whoa-“ lemme try that again all right? “P.S. Gwen!” I wanna get this right you know? “ when I caught you on all fours with that stuntman at Universal Studios, I just lost it!“
Heather : You know sir usually people just say that theyre sorry or/and, that theyre in love.
Donnie : Hey, hey, hey! why dont you write it in Doctor Frasier Crane!
Heather : Im sorry, please go ahead.
Donnie : All right, how about this? “Gwen, heres the bottom line, I got 800 buck in the bank, a well toughened penis and an NFL football phone, nuff said Love, The Genius“
Heather : Great.
Donnie : Is it really?
Heather : You said you didnt want my opinion.
Donnie : Oh, just tell me, is it great?
Heather : No its not.
Donnie : Damn, Im mad about this girl, all right here, we go, youre ready?
Heather : Okay.
Donnie : “Dear Joleen, I want ya–
Heather : You mean Gwen!
Donnie : Oh no, no! This is Gwens sister. Screw Gwen she smells like shrimps and wont do the weird stuff you know what I mean?
Heather : Okay, Joleen!
Donnie : Okay “Joleen, I send this note to you and flowers so Gwen wouldnt get suspicious. Now heres what I want you to do: get your step dads .38, force Gwen to give you her PIN number, then drive the Duster up here to Vancouver, so I can put my hands on your bathing suit area. Fondly, the Night Dog“
Heather : That wont fit on the card sir.
Donnie : Well jeez, I mean could you like fold up some paper or something?
Heather : You know what? Sure! Express Flowers aims to please.
Donnie : Mkay, I like the way you said that! You like eating uh, scrambled eggs and watching porn!
Heather : No sir, not at the same time.
Donnie : All right, this is not entire, here we go “Dearest Gwen, since you left me, Ive been tortured“
Heather : Hey, thats good.
Donnie : No, no! I mean it, literally, Ive been tortured by Renaldo, this guy who claims I whizzed in his kitchen, yeah he put dog food on my nuts and threaten hed stick his roddy on me, now “Sincerely The Fist of Love“
Heather : Okay, what credit card?
Donnie : Well, I uh, I dont think you guys accept it.
Heather : What is it?
Donnie : Its a Curt Schilling baseball card, you take it?
Heather : No! [ Heather hangs up the phone ]
Katie : [ enters the set, eating scrambled eggs ] Hey baby? The eggs is done you wanna watch some porn?
Donnie : Hey, you know it Katie! Thats my life baby!
[ Katie gets on the couch ]
[ Fade out ]
Submitted by: P-Y
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
The Devil Can’t Write A Love Song
Milo…..Garth Brooks
Lucifer…..Will Ferrell
Girlfriend…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Scene opens with Milo trying to write a song with his guitar ]
Milo: [ singing ] “Shes staring over, a bowl of dreams..” Oh, God, no.
[ Girlfriend walks in ]
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?
Milo: Oh hey honey, come here and sit down, I wanna play you this song.
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?!
Milo: I got fired.
Girlfriend: What?!
Milo: I dont need that stupid job, this ones the one.
Girlfriend: Youre pathetic, Milo. You are a talent-less loser, and Im not supporting you anymore. Send me a note when you win a Grammy, jerk!
[ she leaves ]
Milo: Well, fine! Fine, leave! Youll see! Im gonna be big, youll see. Im gonna be a big loser. Ugh, man, Im never gonna go anywhere without a hit song. Dude, I would sell my SOUL for a hit song.
[ all of a sudden Lucifer appears ]
Lucifer: Arggh! [ with rock and roll music in the background ] I am Lucifer! And I have heard your request! And it shall be granted! Do you, Milo Jenkins, Truly wish to render your soul to me, in exchange for the success you crave?!? [music ends]
Milo: Yes sir I do. I mean, if I could have one hit song I know it would solve everything for me.
Lucifer: It shall be done! [ A flame comes over Milo, as he screams ] Now then forsaken soul, open thine ears, and sleek thy thirst on the music that could force kings to their knees!!
Milo: Yeah!
Lucifer: And oceans to boil! Behold, the song that will take you to the top of charts!!
Milo: Alright-
[ Lucifer takes his guitar and starts playing, very out of tune ]
Lucifer: [ singing ]
“Theres a guy named Fred and hes got a pair of slacks.
Oooh Freds got slacks!
They fit down the sides and tight around the waist!
Ooh Freds got slacks..”
[ stops playing ]
Hold on a second. This thing is out of tune.
Milo: Man, I dont wanna miff you, but that sucked.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] I said the guitar, was out of TUNE!! It wasnt my FAULT!! “Freds Slacks” is a winner!! But fine! Here we go, Ill give you another Behold! This fiendish masterpiece, from the bowels of HELL!!!
[ begins to sing in a high pitched voice with the guitar still out of tune ]“Mondays!
Boy I hate Mondays!
They make me so steamed!
Weekends!
Talkin bout the Weekend!
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh, Oh..”
[ stops singing ]
Son of a bitch!! Is it humid in here or something, ’cause the guitar keeps getting out of tune!
Milo: Man, what kind of guitar is that?
Lucifer: Its a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators!! And the sinew of thieves and gluttons!!! MWUHAHAHAHA! [ pauses ] ..Its uh, Its a Fender.
Milo: Oh! Well, Man, look, maybe we should just call this deal off, ’cause uh, it just seems to me that youre just not that good.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] OH REALLY? [ Thunder and lightening in the background ] Then where did this tasty lick come from?? [ plays an out of tune ditty on his guitar ] Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And on top of it, add this!
[ plays his guitar out of tune again and sings with a fake British Accent ]
“Zorgas borgas, I just got bit by the love bat, and its driving me MAD!!”
[ stops singing ]
Milo: What the hell was that?
Lucifer: Ok, just hold on. Im just gonna jump into one without thinking. No thinking! Im just gonna let it flow and let it flow now.
[ begins playing his out of tune guitar like a heavy metal group, while singing ]
“Fast car! On the highway!
On the byway! Mr. Robotron!”
[stops singing ]
Ok, thats not a good one, I gotta move on. I gotta move on, do you mind if I sit down?
Milo: No, no, please! Help yourself.
[ Lucifer sits ]
Lucifer: I cant be so critical, just get out of my head and go, just go!
[ starts playing his guitar like an out of tune version of “All Star” by Smash Mouth ]
“Hey you, youre a nice guy
Put your shoes on, hey you!”
[ stops playing ]
Milo: Ok, now hold on, thats a Smash Mouth song with different lyrics!
Lucifer: No its not! Its.. [ singing softly ] “Hey you, youre a..” [ stops singing ] Oh what the frick! Cut me a break! This is hard!
Milo: Oh, well hey man, thanks anyway. But if its ok with you, Ill just keep on pluggin and uh, truthfully, you kind of made me feel better about myself.
Lucifer- You know whats hard is the F chord. It hurts my fingers.
Milo: Yeah, thats a tough one, Mr. Devil. I tell you what.. [ yawns ] I tell you what else is toughstaying up this late, Im sure you gotta go! So um
Lucifer: Wait, Wait, Wait!! I think I got it, I think I got it, so here I go
[ doesnt use the guitar, but instead makes rapping sounds with his hands and does a rap ]
[ rapping ]
“Uh! Im the devil, and Im here to say,
Im the most evil rapper in the U.S.A.
All my homies and my bitches say Ohhhh”
{stops rapping}
Alright, Im leaving. Ive embarrassed myself. Im sorry about this.
Milo: No, no, thats ok. These things happen you know.
Lucifer: Im kind of tired, is it cool if I leave throught the front door?
Milo: Yeah, just make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks on your way out.
Lucifer: Alright. Take her easy!
Milo: Yeah, you too!
Lucifer: [ singing ] “Take her easy Shes my lady and thats what I said..” [ stops singing ] Hey, that was good.
Milo: No. No.
Lucifer: Nope?
Milo: No.
Lucifer: Sorry. Im gone! [ he exits ]
Milo: Alright. Man, the devil cant write no love songs. Hey! [ picks up guitar and starts singing in tune ]
“Oh, the devil never could write a love song.
Didnt seem to matter how much he tried.
And ’cause the devil never got his heart broke
and the devil never cried.”
[ he keeps singing as the camera fades to black ]
Submitted by: Blake B.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Boston Teens
Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Assistant Manager…..Garth Brooks
Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson’s fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I’m filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.
Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don’t get that Burger King breath out of my face, I’m gonna be wicked pissed off.
Sully: So what? If I was rich I’d eat a Whopper every day.
Denise: You’re retarded!
Sully: You are! [ kissing ]
Assistant Manager: Hey, kids, kids. I’m gonna have to ask you not to dry-hump by the food products.
Denise: Are you the manager?
Assistant Manager: You flatter me, I’m the assistant manager.
Denise: Oh, I want to know if you’re hiring any holiday help?
Assistant Manager: We sure are. You kids filming this?
Denise: He is, it’s a school project. He’s not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person.
Sully: I got a learning disorder cos my mom was a big huffer back in the day.
Assistant Manager: Well yes, we are looking for part-timers. Your name?
Denise: Denise McDenna, but everybody calls me Zazoo!
Assistant Manager: Alright Zazoo, you have any experience?
Denise: I worked at Foot Locker for two hours once.
Assistant Manager: Do you have any food product experience?
Sully: She’s got a lot of experience handling sausages.
Denise: Shut up! [ they make out some more ]
Assistant Manager: Okay, okay. We are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to holiday shoppers.
Denise: Oh my god! I could totally do that!
Assistant Manager: Watch out, it’s tricky cos you have these round sausages and you cut them into little squares.
Denise: Allright allright, I know this one. You like, divide it by four, and then you like square the…
Sully: She should be in charge of cutting the cheese!
Denise: You are so stupid!
Sully: You are! [ more making out ]
Assistant Manager: Whoa, this video’s rated R. Come on, kids.
Denise: Is there any healthcare with this job? Cos there’s like a 40/60 chance I might be pregnant.
Sully: Yeah, if we have a kid I’m naming in Nomar. Mark my words!
Assistant Manager: There’s no health insurance. You get $4.80 an hour, and if you do a good job you get a free piece of nut log after Christmas.
Sully: Hey Tommy, did you get him saying “nut log”?
Denise: So when do I start?
Assistant Manager: Hold on. There’s a couple more questions. Now were you ever convicted of a felony?
Denise: Uh, is public urination a felony?
Assistant Manager: No.
Denise: What about taking your top off at a hockey game?
Assistant Manager: Haha, alright. You know what, umm… I’ll just call you in a few days.
Denise: Alright. Oh wait! You didn’t take my number.
Assistant Manager: No Denise, you’re right. I didn’t take your number. I don’t think you have the skills needed to hand out free bits of cheese.
Sully: Haha, denied! You got burnt.
Denise: Oh come on! I really need this job, cos I was gonna use this money to get Christmas nail tips – eight reindeer, and two baby Jesuses!
Assistant Manager: Sorry Zazoo, you’re just not Hickory Farms material.
Denise: Hey, why the F not?
Assistant Manager: Well, I’ll tell you why the F not.You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-size carton full of screwdrivers..
Denise: You said Vodka didn’t smell!
Sully: I don’t know!
Assistant Manager: I tell ya it’s just disrespectful. [ faces the camera, as Sully goes behind him and makes faces at him ] Here’s a tip for all you kids out there – We wanna hire ya, we really do. When you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow and a pot leaf drawn on the back of your uniform in magic marker, well you just make it darn near impossible. [ turns around and looks at Sully, who suddenly stops mocking him and looks the other way for a second ] And kids, just between us.. [ looks away, as Sully grabs a giant salami stick and waves it around like a sword ] ..I went through that tough-guy phase. I used to skip school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually – you gotta grow up. Stop enjoying your life and do your job, be serious. What am I saying? I’ll tell you what I’m saying. I’m saying get rid of that camera cos you’re blocking the kielbasas! [ puts his hand over the camera; Sully puts the salami down and walks in front of the camera ]
Sully: Alright, looks like Denise didn’t get that job.
Denise: That’s alright, I got Christmas presents for my entire family! [ she opens her jacket which has stuff hidden inside ]
Sully: You are wicked clever! Let’s go do it in the parking lot! [ she jumps on his back ]
Denise: Alright, but you are NOT taping it this time!
Sully: Come on!
Denise: Oh, and you gotta make sure you cut out the part where I said I was knocked up!
[ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Becca
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Today is Never Yesterday
Nurse…..Ana Gasteyer
James Bond…..Chris Parnell
Dr. Carlisle…..Garth Brooks
[ open on TNT logo, as we return to a James Bond movie marathon, in the middle of “Today is Never Yesterday” ]
[ movie opens at Fort Philips Medical Center, Helsinki, Finland ]
Nurse: Wait here, Mr..
James Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Nurse: Right. I’ll tell Dr. Carlisle that you’re here. Is there anything you need.
James Bond: I’ll let you know if.. something comes up.
Nurse: [ coquettish laugh, as she exits ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ enters ] How you doing, James?
James Bond: Good. Good.
Dr. Carlisle: Please have a seat. [ Bond sits ] James, I have some, uh, top secret information for you.
James Bond: For my eyes only? [ laughs ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ opens folder ] I don’t know how you’ve done it, James, but you have 107 different venereal diseases.
James Bond: I’m sorry?
Dr. Carlisle: 53 of them have been identified.. we’ve sent samples of 36 others to disease control center in Atlanta – they won’t return our calls..
James Bond: But, what about the other 18?
Dr. Carlisle: The other 18, we’ve never seen before. They actually found some way to mutate spontaneously with other bits and pieces of venereal disease inside of you. Um.. so rare that we don’t even have names for hem, so we’re naming them “Bond-1”, “Bond-2”, and so on. Then there are three others..
James Bond: Oh.. I thought there were only 107?
Dr. Carlisle: Yeah. Well, we’re thinking it’s a lab report, because these three are only found in sharks.
James Bond: [ holds up arm ]You know, uh, this watch cna shoot laser beams.
Dr. Carlisle: That’s great, James, but can it cure herpes? I mean, haven’t you noticed the lesions? My God, the extreme discolorization? The erosion, for God’s sake? The massive testicular swelling? Surely you’re aware of the stench that even fills this room!
James Bond: [ sniffing ] No..
Dr. Carlisle: 007, this is serious. Now, I need to ask you some questions about your sexual history. How many women have you had sex with in the last five years?
James Bond: Uh.. 4?
Dr. Carlisle: You’re lying.
James Bond: Uh.. yes, I am. About 8,000.
Dr. Carlisle: Mr. Bond, as a government agent and a gentleman, I think it’s your ethical obligation to call every single one of these women and tell them about your condition. With 8,000, I suggest you’d get started.
Nurse: [ enters ] Excuse me, Doctor? [ whispers in his ear ]
Dr. Carlisle: Oh, my God! Uh.. excuse me, there’s an emergency at the lab. It seems that “Bond-4” has eaten through its beaker. If it gets into our water system, we’re all goners. So, good luck to you, James. [ exits office ]
James Bond: [ picks up phone and makes first call ] Hello, is Octopussy there? Great! Hello. Hi, honey, it’s James. Uh, listen, something kind of funny’s come up! No.. not laugh-out-loud funny, but more just weird. Yeah. I have 107 venereal diseases. Hello? [ hangs up ] This isn’t so bad..
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Pussy Galore there? Hi! Oh, it’s Pussy Phillips now? Congrats! Listen..
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Martha Stewart there? She’s not? Uh.. no. No message.
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Batman there? Hey, Robin, it’s James! No, stay on the line, actually, this concerns you both!
[ cut scene to reveal Bond alseep on the couch in the office ]
Nurse: Mr. bond?
James Bond: Oh..? Oh, yes, I was just finishing up. How long have I been here?
Nurse: Eight days.
James Bond: Oh, dear. Well, it seems I’m free at the moment. Would you care to make love in a hovercraft?
Nurse: Sounds intriguing. But I think it’s only fair to tell you: I have crabs.
James Bond: Hmm.. if that’s a venereal disease, then we’re in business. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.
Nurse: It’s Connie. Connie Lingus.
[ cut to TNT logo, as the movie goes to commercial ]
[ fade out ]
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