Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 13th, 1999 Garth Brooks Chris Gaines None Lorne Michaels Paula Pell Special ReportSummary: Diane Carbonal (ana Gasteyer) is on the scene when a crazed gunman (Horatio Sanz) attacks NRA Headquarters. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Diane Carbonal, Charlton Heston.
Montage
Garth Brooks’ MonologueSummary: Garth Brooks is secretly pleased to discover that Mango (Chris Kattan) has a crush on Chris Gaines. Recurring Characters: Mango.
Today is Never YesterdaySummary: Secret agent 007, James Bond (Chris Parnell), learns that he has 107 venereal diseases, and must alert all his former conquests. Recurring Characters: James Bond. Transcript
The SmurfsSummary: NBC’s upcoming epic mini-series devotes itself to the lives of the blue cartoon creatures. Recurring Characters: Celine Dion, Sean Connery, Al Pacino, Little Richard, Meat Loaf. Transcript
Boston TeensSummary: Boston teenager Pat “Sully” Sullivan (Jimmy Fallon) fools around while his girlfriend Denise McDenna (Rachel Dratch) tries to get a job at Hillshire Farms. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise. Transcript
Tracy Confronts GarthSummary: Tracy Morgan tells Garth Brooks that he thinks Chris Gaines is a queer.
Great Moments in Corporate HistorySummary: A slip-up while introducing the Warner-Lambert team ends their merger with American Home Products. Transcript
Express FlowersSummary: Donny (Garth Brooks) can’t seem to create a card message to match the flowers he wants to send to his girlfriend. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Weekend Update’s Millennium profile names basketball player Darryl Dawkins the Man Of The Millennium. Molly Shannon’s “The World is Crazy!!! commentary cites Julianna Margulies for leaving “ER.” Transcript
Chris Gaines (Brooks) performs “Way Of The Girl”
MangoSummary: Garth Brooks reveals that Chris Gaines was just a ploy to get close to Mango (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mango.
The Devil Can’t Write A Love SongSummary: After his girlfriend (Ana Gasteyer) leaves him, musician Milo Jenkins (Garth Brooks) decides to sell his soul for a hit single, but tone-deaf Lucifer (Will Ferrell) fails to be of any real assistance. Transcript
Wilson’sSummary: Rude clerk Nadeen (Cheri Oteri) tells gift exchangers to “Simmer down now!” Recurring Characters: Nadeen. Transcript
Regis Philbin ..Darrell Hammond Carol ..Ana Gastayer Paul the silent husband ..Horatio Sanz
[ The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing ]
Regis : Well, Carol Yatse from Oil City, Pennsylvania, youve won 32 thousand dollars so far and I bet you have plans for that money, right Carol?
Carol : Ya, were um, home owners and were hoping to add on a sunroom.
Regis : Well, the next question is worth 64 thousand dollars, you could buy the SUN if you wanted! Are you ready?
Carol : I sure am, Regis.
Regis : All right here we go Who is the voice of “E.T., The Extraterrestrial”?, is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J. Fox!
[ Carol thinks for a few seconds ]
Regis : YOU NEED MORE TIME?
Carol : Yeah!
Regis : Okay take all the time you need.
Carol : Can I have the question again please?
Regis : Hey absolutely. Who is the voice of “E.T”. is it – The Extraterrestrial – is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J Fox!
[ Carol breaks down and start crying ]
Regis : ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
Carol : I dont.. I dont know . Not really Im so sorry I know this isnt the place to do this
Regis : Carol dont worry about it people feel a lot of PRESSURE on this show.
Carol : Its not, its really not the show so much you know what I mean. There is a lot of pressure on the show but, maybe its opening up a lot of other things All this stuff Ive been training in down.. for all this time you know it.. I dont know
Regis : What do you want to do here Carol?
Carol : [still crying]I dont – I dont know what I want! Im Im so embarrassed oh boy..
Regis : You wanna talk to someone?
Carol : No.. my.. my husband is out here in the audience
Regis : All right.. you wanna talk to him?
Carol : I do, I do but I cant talk to him.. hes SO shut down.. but its not just him.. IM SHUT DOWN TOO! Its like we feel each other you know Regis, and I love him so much I love you so much Paul!
[ Camera switch to Paul, pointing his finger at himself and then at his wife meaning “I love you too!” ]
Carol : I love you.. oh my God!
Regis : What do you want to do Carol?
Carol : I dont know.
Regis : Come on!
Carol : Im usually so good at trivia and I should be having fun, but how could you have fun when, everyone expect me to keep it together all the time?
Regis : Carol this might be the right time to use one of your lifelines.
Carol : Maybe I should call my best friend Helen, shell know what to do.
Regis : All right our fr—
[ Carol blows her nose ]
Carol : our friends at AT&T are gonna help us phone Helen and see if she could help.
Carol : Okay
[ phone rings and Helen comes on the line ]
Helen V/O: Yes?
Regis : Is this Helen?
Helen V/O: Yes it is.
Regis : This is Regis Philbin from ABCs Who Wants to be a Millionnaire! We have Carol here who wants to talk to you
Carol : Helen!
Helen V/O: Carol what is going on ?
Carol : [ still crying ]Helen this is so weird I cant stop!
Helen V/O: Carol hold it together. Youre on a game show have a wine or something, I cant talk about this anymore I gotta go Im sorry. [ Helen hangs off the phone ]
Carol : IM GONNA CRACK IT UP!
Regis : Carol! [Regis claps his hands] Carol!CAROL! Look at me! Right here in my eyes! Regis PHILBIN right here! Youre just feeling “feeling scattered“! The biggest sin youve committed is being human! I know exactly what youre doing, when the Joey Bishop show got cancelled I had PANIC attacks, then along came Live with Regis and Katie Lee and I had panic attacks about THAT being my legacy. Then along comes this show and Im HIP again, I endorse fake batter count! Life is a roller coaster ride Carol, and its okay to feel scared on a roller coaster! And I give you permission to let it out!
Carol : I think Im done.. I think Im okay..
Regis : All right
Carol : Thank you Regis
Regis : Does that trivia queen wants to take another shot at the question?
Carol : Okay.. okay..
Regis : Lets do it.
Carol : Okay
Regis : Lets do it – Who is the voice of “E.T”? – is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J Fox!
Carol : The money really isnt important is it Regis?
Regis : Lets not get crazy Carol!
Carol : Im… Im just gonna say: “Richard Dreyfuss”
Regis : Is that your final answer?
Carol : Ya, it is
Regis : Im sorry Carol, thats WRONG its DEBRA WINGER and on a personal note you sure STUNK UP THE STABLE! Well be right back with more of Who Wants to be a Millionaire!
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, I’m Colin Quinn! Here are tonight’s top stories.
After U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled yesterday that Microsoft is a monopoly, the Justice Department predicted there would be serious consequences for the software giant. Citing a phrase Windows users know all too well, Judge Jackson told Microsoft executives, “You performed an illegal operation and will shut down.” [some applause]…Ah, the poetic justice of it all.
Microsoft spokesmen were quick to refute the charge that they prevent smaller companies from entering the industry, saying, “As these last few months have shown, Microsoft can be greatly affected by a smaller company with less money: the United States Government.”
The case against Microsoft may have to be thrown out, however, after a dramatic turn this week, in which it was revealed that Bill Gates and Attorney General Janet Reno are, in fact, brother and sister!
During an interview Thursday, Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush struggled to answer questions about international politics. After the interview, however, Bush said he was confident that if he did become president, no one would worry about his intelligence, thanks to an old Bush family secret [photo of Dan Quayle] weapon that makes you look smarter.
Bush suffered minor injuries on Monday while on a midday jog when he dove to avoid a truck trailer that flipped into his running path. When asked later how severely he was injured, Bush responded, “I’ll let you know in two weeks when I reveal my position on pain.” [little reaction]…As for the cause of the accident…political experts say that having your opponent almost get hit by a tractor-trailer is just one of the many benefits Al Gore will receive after his recent endorsement by the AFL-CIO.
Vice President Al Gore dressed up as Underdog for his annual Halloween party…at the Vice President’s residence last weekend. Unfortunately, Gore spent the entire party trying to distance himself from a guy wearing a Clinton mask. [modest reaction]…[sarcastically] That sure was funny.
In a television appearance this week, Donald Trump said that if elected president, he would appoint himself U.S. Trade Representative and then, quote, “our partners would have to negotiate across the table from Donald Trump.” Hey, isn’t this the same guy who got outsmarted by Merv Griffin?
Lunday’s Sunday Times— excuse me, did I just say “Lunday”? London’s Sunday Times is reporting that Walt Disney Studios is planning to spend 80 million dollars filming the story of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Disney producers say the film will delve in Kaczynski’s criminal psyche, and trace the manhunt that brought him to justice, as well as show in graphic detail how Mickey Mouse ended up with only four fingers.
Chrysler…Chrysler, I mean, announced Wednesday that it will be eliminating its Plymouth line of cars. Plymouth, of course, is the maker of the popular…[unable to think of anything] ohh, uhhh, ugh. Anyway, that’s happening, so that should be good.
First Lady Hillary Clinton returned a donation to her potential New York Senate campaign after discovering that the money might be linked to the Mob. Once again proving that Hillary Clinton has no idea what it takes to be a New Yorker….[points to his sheaf of papers] Took it off the bottom. [cheers and applause] Hey hey! Hey!…It killed!
After closing on her New York home — her new home in Chappequa, New York this week, Hillary Clinton said that while the house would certainly be her primary residence, she would have to ask her husband if it would be his primary residence as well. “Weekend Update” contacted the President for his response to this question, but, as of air time, he was still just laughing.
Bob Barker taped four shows of “The Price Is Right” last week, his first week back at work since surgery in September to repair an artery that was reportedly clogged with…a years supply of Turtle Wax!…I used to be an announcer on MTV, thats why I still got it. Still got it.
An action figure…modeled after the WWFs Al Snow, which depicts him carrying around a womans head, has been pulled from the shelves at Wal-Mart, because of a complaint lodged by a university professor that the toy trivializes violence against women. The reaction from Wal-Mart shoppers was unanimous: “Whats a university professor?” [mixed reaction]…Ah, what are you, from Oklahoma? They dont give a damn.
A federal lawsuit filed this week accuses a suburban Syracuse school district of violating a kindergarteners constitutional rights by censoring a drawing made because it contained a religious image. In a related story, another kindergartener was expelled for doing [mimes with his hands] “this is the church, this is the steeple.”…[expecting more reaction] Gotta give me more than that when I put the paper down, its…humiliating to be staying with the…
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were arrested Friday after a noisy fight at a Miami Beach hotel. Authorities would not confirm whether the couple had been handcuffed before or after police arrived. [applause]…Oh! Now were cooking!
In this weeks People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, Monica Lewinsky said that her choice for sexiest man alive is “Friends” star Matthew Perry. Because, quote, “he seems to have kindness in his eyes, warmth in his laughter, and mischief in his smile.” A humble Perry responded, “Come on. Please dont drag me into your living hell.”
Im Colin Quinn, thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh No, Not My Baby!Summary: Mrs. Parker (Tracy Morgan) insists that her grown baby boy is no criminal, no matter what holds up as evidence. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Claudine Parker, Mr. Brownstone, Judge Timbler.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk, where he takes a quick drink of water before he’s ready to do the news]
Colin Quinn: Ah! Ugh. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.
Citing fundraising difficulties, Elizabeth Dole officially ended her bid for the presidency on Wednesday. Quoting Teddy Roosevelt, Dole said, “It is far better to dare mighty things than to live in the great twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” And then she quit. I don’t think she really understands what Roosevelt was talking about.
After her announcement, Bob Dole turned to his wife and said, “I knew Teddy Roosevelt, I worked with Teddy Roosevelt, and you are no Teddy Roosevelt.”
Following her withdrawl, Dole will return to a quiet life outside politics at home with her husband, where the only daily speeches she’ll be making will be, “Get that thing away from me.”…[finally puts down his first sheet of paper] All on one page.
The author of a disputed new book that alleges George Bush, Senior covered up a 1972 cocaine bust on behalf of his son, George W., has reportedly been identified as an ex-con who once tried to have his boss killed with a car bomb. Folks, that’s what we’ve come to. [portrait of George Washington] From “I cannot tell a lie” to [photo of George W. Bush] “The guy who knows about my coke busts tried to have his boss wacked.” [modest reaction]…Doesn’t seem to bother you, but, um…
At a movie premiere this week, Monica Lewinsky revealed a new, slimmer self to the paparazzi. She claims to have lost 30 pounds since late s – last summer, and to have gained some much-needed confidence. “After all,” remarked Lewinsky, “when I was heavier, the only man I could get was the leader of the free world.”
In business news, Martha Stewart earned a billion dollars in one day this week when her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, went public on the New York Stock Exchange. Meanwhile, across town, Debbie Matenopoulos checked the cushions of her couch, trying to scare – scrape up enough money to buy a pint of Stonehaus vodka and some Hostess Sno Balls for breakfast.
The stock itself is now trading at 40 dollars a share. But for those of you who can’t afford to pay that much, I can show you how to make your own shares using some string and a Mason jar.
The World Wrestling Federation also went public this week. [one cheer] Economists say the WWF stock…that purchases come from similar socioeconomic and age groups, and tend to live in exclusive, gated [photo of a trailer] communities.
This week, Larry King announced that his 39-year-old wife is pregnant again, prompting King to boast that he’s, quote, “reinventing manhood.” When reached for comment, King’s wife said, “Just get him off me, okay?”
Tonight, part two of our retrospective looking back at the past thousand years, this is Weekend Upth – Update’s “The Millennium.”
[As dark, mysterious music plays, dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, doctored photo of “Happy Days” character Fonzie and Frankenstein’s monster standing in front of the airplane The Spirit of St. Louis, doctored photo of a bird of prey carrying away Abraham Lincoln, doctored photo of Harry Truman holding up a Chicago Daily Tribune newspaper with the headline “VADER DEFEATS FLINTSTONE.”]
Announcer #1: As we reflect on a thousand years of human achievement, we tend to focus on events that actually happened, and people who really existed. That’s one way to study history. But what about stuff that’s completely made up? Tonight, we look past the facts to examine the moments that never occurred.
[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part Two: Moments That Never Occurred.
[Music becomes more triumphant. Dissolve to a series of dissolving pictures. Sequence is as follows: 18th-century London, zooming-out doctored picture of Mark Twain and “Masters of the Universe” character Skeletor, doctored photo of an atom bomb exploding over St. Louis, the Great Wall of China, doctored photo of a kitten and three surgeons performing an operation, clip of Lucille Ball, doctored picture of Lucille in an electric chair with cereal mascot Captain Crunch approaching her, zooming-out doctored photo of a flying saucer over Mount Rushmore in broad daylight, zooming-out doctored portrait of the Mona Lisa with the head of Rollie Fingers, zooming-out doctored picture of Evel Knievel motorcycle jumping over George Washington and his troops crossing the Delaware River.]
Announcer #1: London, 1740. Mark Twain and Skeletor from “He-Man” have just won the Battle of Norway by dropping an atomic bomb on St. Louis. Meanwhile, in rural China, a kitten performs the first successful heart transplant. This leads to beloved funnywoman Lucille Ball being put to death in the electric chair by Captain Crunch. These are the events that define our millennium. Complex. Interwoven. Not at all true. Moments that never occurred.
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause; fade out music, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: This week, General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called for stricter immigration laws.
The New York chapter of the Ku Klux Klan held a rally in downtown Manhattan earlier today after a judge ruled this week that the city could not ban the march. New York has responded to the ruling as expected — within minutes of the judge’s decision, sidewalk vendors were out selling counterfeit white hoods.
Executives from the six major broadcast networks have agreed that later this year, they will stop indicating to TV listing services whether a show is a rerun or not. So join us live next week with our host, Fran Tarkenton and musical guest, Leon Redbone.
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center said that Vice President Al Gore actually does well with women voters, in part because women aren’t concerned with the candidate’s personality. Of course! Women always feel comfortable with a homeless, quiet guy who hangs out with the creep who’s nailing [photo of Bill Clinton] all their friends.
For the first time since scientists began tracking air quality in the mid ’70s, Houston [an audience member sneezes] has supplanted Los Angeles — [to the audience member who sneezed] God bless you — as the smog capital of America….Houston has supplanted Los Angeles as the smog capital of America. Houston will now go on to face New Jersey in the finals….[very quietly to the audience member who sneezed] It would’ve worked better if you hadn’t sneezed.
World-renown cellist Yo-Yo Ma accidentally left his 2.5-million-dollar cello in the trunk of a New York City taxi this week, but recovered it a few hours later. Imagine a musician losing his cherished instrument. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. [photo of Kenny G] Well– [applause]…There you go.
And at a party fundraiser last week, President Clinton said that he wished he could run for president again. When he was then asked what he would miss most about the presidency, Clinton said, “You know what.”
This week, a Reform Party presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, has been involved in a nasty battle with ex-wife number two, Marla Maples, who threatened to, quote, “expose Trump for what he really is.” Here, with a further comment, is Marla Maples.
[pan over to Marla]
Marla Maples: Thank you, Colin. You know, I was serious when I said Donald Trump would be exposed for what he really is — an arrogant model-chasing playboy creep.
Colin: But that’s what everybody already knows about him.
Marla: [after a pause] Oh….But you have to realize, Colin, that he wasn’t always like that. I mean, if you cou – could have just seen him with our daughter, Tiffany. We named her after the jewelry store.
Colin: Sounds classy.
Marla: I know….We had so much fun together. [becomes increasingly upset] But those…those happy days are gone now. And it was all my fault anyway, Colin, I…I just shouldn’t have turned 26. So stupid!…[whispers] So stupid!
Colin: Now wait, Marla…Marla, I – I mean, I still think you’re beautiful.
Marla: [piqued] You do?
Colin: Yeah! I mean, maybe we can go out.
Marla: [looks at Colin, then chuckles] Uhhh, I don’t know….I mean, what do you grab here, maybe a hundred grand a year, tops? [laughs]…[smugly] I mean, I’m sure in Brooklyn, you know, that, uh, you know, you’ve made it, but uh, [laughs]…I mean, come on! This is Park Avenue cooch over here, my friend! [cheers and applause]…Yeah!…This is a whole different Georgia peach we’re talkin’ about!…You know what I mean, Skippy? I mean, this is Ron Perlman-type stuff, Ace! [laughs]…Now, see? You strike me as the kind of guy that, one big screw-up, next thing, we’re living over a candy store on Flatbush Avenue. Am I right? Am I right?
Colin: Okay, I was just, [Marla laughs] you know…
Marla: Ooh! [touches Colin’s suit] Now where’d you get this suit?
Colin: Oh, well, it belongs to the show, but they said they’d give it to me when the season ends.
Marla: [laughs, then mimicks Colin] Well they said they’d give it to me when the season ends! [laughs] Listen. Why don’t you call me, Ace, when you have a closet full of those bad boys in New York, Zürich, and the Caymans. Capisce? [laughs]
Colin: Marla Maples, everybody!…I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Martha Stewart: Do you love the amber hues of autumn filtered through the weathered planks of an 18th century New England barn? How about heirloom tomatoes plucked fresh from the garden and pickled in a savory rosemary brine? No? How about cold hard cash? I’m Martha Stewart and this week I hit the mother lode.
On Tuesday I sold 7.5 million shares of myself to you the apple-picking, antique-collecting, recklessly E-trading public. Martha Stewart is one of the most successful IPO’s in Wall Street history. The soothing aroma of money. [sniffs wad of money] It’s a scent I really cherish.
Some skeptics don’t believe in “lifestyle” as a commodity. But this week proved that millions of you are ready to stake your financial future on decorative gourds and pruning techniques and you won’t regret it. In addition in doubling in value every 8 hours, my stock certificates also make an elegant wall hanging. Fashioned out of hand-made linen paper and individually calligraphed by my personal secretary, each share evokes a homey sophistication and a pantload of East Hampton class.
Heavy investors in Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia will enjoy a festive shareholder’s lunch with all the trappings of tasteful productivity. I wonder if IBM shareholders get Caribbean pumpkin soup and individual profiteroles at their annual meeting. Not likely.
The real Martha Stewart is a frigid 58 year old divorcee with a filthy mouth and a mean streak. But Martha Stewart the commodity has tremendous potential for expansion and growth. Future ventures include retail stores, theme parks, and converting Cuba into an enormous Bed and Breakfast. So contact your broker or visit my website at marthastewart.sweetcrazymoney.com and buy a piece of me. Your nest egg and my obsessive WASPy perfectionism together we’ll milk the Dow Jones like a friendly old Holstein. It’s a good thing.
Norm MacDonald: When the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the “Weekend Update” news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes. That was me, you know? So then, a year and a half ago, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. They fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, how did I go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?! It was inexplicable to me, because, let’s face it, a year and a half is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny! Then it occurred to me, I haven’t gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I’m funny compared to, you know, what you’ll see later. Okay, so let’s recap, the bad news is: I’m still not funny. The good news is: The show blows! Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We’ll be right back!
Mayor Rudolph Guliani…..Darrell Hammond Voice in Crowd…..Will Ferrell
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, our beloved Yankees are in the World Series for the second straight year. Before tonight’s game, I received a phone call from the Mayor of Atlanta, Bill Campbell, and he proposed a little wager on the World Series. He said he’d send me a bushel of Georgia peaches if the Yankees won.. and if the Braves won, I had to send him a box of New York strip steaks. Well, I laughed in his face. I said, “Ha ha ha ha ha!” I said, “Listen up, you thissel-chewing hayseed. Betting for peaches might fly with you rubes in the Hillbilly State, but not with the Mayor of New York City.” He asked what I wanted to bet.. I said, “I know my Yankees are gonna win. I got $250,000 to back it up.” That’s right. A cool quarter of a million dollars. And he claimed he didn’t have that kind of money.. I didn’t call him a liar, I just said, “Fine, Huckleberry. If the Braves win, I send you a painting of the Virgin Mary smeared with fecal matter. And if the Yankees win, I want you to send me fifty of your most inbred, redneck Georgia state troopers to come up here and crack skulls of street vendors and cabbies.” Still, the man said no. You know why?
Voice in Crowd: Because you’re crazy?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No. Because he knows the Braves suck. They suck hard, they suck at commitment, they suck completely. And then I said, “Okay, Mayor of Heehaw-Land: if the Yankees win, I’ll line up all our vagrants and crazies, winos and cabbies, and I’ll send them to Atlanta.. and if, by some fluke, the Braves win, I take your bums!” But, again, he refused, because Mayor Campbell knows that the Yankees are the better team! Finally, I said, “Okay, here it is: if the Yankees win, we get the severed head of John Rocker on a stick. If the Braves win, I’ll dress up like Scarlett O’Hara, and you can romance me with a plunger.” That’s when he hung up. ‘Cause he’s terrified of our Yankees! I want all you people to remember how much I believe in the Yankees next year when you’re voting for the Senate. ‘Cause you can bet your sweet ass Hillary doesn’t care about the Yankees, and we don’t need people like that in Congress. Thank you, and go Yankees! Oh, and one more thing: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Announcer: Lou Gehrig, the Pride of the Yankees, realizes he’sfighting a losing battle with a devastating illness. On July 4th, 1939, he speaks to his adoring fans for one last time. A day that will live forever in Yankee history!
Lou Gehrig: Today.. I consider myself.. the luckiest man.. on the face.. of the earth. [ crowd cheers ] I was being sarcastic! I’munlucky! I may be the unluckiest man.. on the face.. of the earth! I have a disease.. so rare.. they named it after me. Yeah, lucky me! [ crowd cheers harder ] You people are hopeless! [ storms off the field ]
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Air Date:
Special ReportSummary: Diane Carbonal (ana Gasteyer) is on the scene when a crazed gunman (Horatio Sanz) attacks NRA Headquarters.
