Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Ruth Gordon’s Monologue

…..Ruth Gordon

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Ruth Gordon!

Ruth Gordon: Well! Well! Tonight — tonight you’re seeing somebody VERY unusual in this world, because I’m doing smething I like to do. I’m sorry, that’s unusual — but that explains me. Tonight, I’m here because I enjoy being here. I like to make an entrance! I like to get applause! And, when I’m on, I like to do something new — and is this ever new, tonight! Because tonight… the bunch believes that I, after sixty-one years of being an actress, that I am READY… for The Not Ready For Prime-Time Players. and HOW do you like this? Five will getcha ten — I AM ready! Take it easy!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Litella Sisters At Home

Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Essie Litella…..Ruth Gordon

[ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ]

Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch?

Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake?

Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods.

Essie Litella: I know! Let’s have raisin toast, and let’s cut it in points.

Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it’s my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast.

Essie Litella: That was five points!

Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go.

Essie Litella: Emily?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Essie Litella: I’m so happy that you’ve become the correspondent on “News Update”.

Emily Litella: Oh, yes.

Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week’s editorial is gonna be?

Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven’t, Essie. I’m going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don’t come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day?

Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that’s ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that’s burning?

Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues!

Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There’s this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there’s all this hoopla they’re making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle.

Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That’s much too personal.

Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader’s been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag?

Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that’s terrible! I didn’t know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let’s keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong!

Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck!

Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It’s your filthy mouth that’s kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on “Update” this week? I mean, should I talk about toast?

Essie Litella: Emily, let’s pretend I’m the one who goes on “Update”. Introduce me, come on.

Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on “Weekend Update”, here, with an editorial reply – watch it, Essie – is Miss Essie Litella.

Essie Litella: What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elections in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business!

Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella!

Essie Litella: What?

Emily Litella: That’s flea erections. Flea erections!

Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different. Never mind.

Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: “Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch – Norm.” Well, that’s pretty stupid. Let’s toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ]

[ camera pans out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Mass Auto Eroticism” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Little Old Ladies of the Night

Capt. Joe Palentine…..Dan Aykroyd
Snow…..Garrett Morris
Hooker 1…..Gilda Radner
Hooker 2…..Laraine Newman
Little Old Lady…..Ruth Gordon
Man…..Neil Levy
Officer…..Bill Murray

[ open on Capt. Joe Palentine seated at his desk. He looks up at the camera ]

Capt. Joe Palentine: Hi, I’m Capt. Joe Palantine of the Geriatric division of a big police department in the big city. [ he shrugs his shoulders ] Let’s just call it Anytown, U.S.A. Every day in the Anytown Bus Station, hundreds of female runaways arrive looking for adventure, excitement, and glamour in the big city. Instead, they fall into the murky web of street hustling — turning tricks — with johnsto support their PIMPS! Not very pretty words, are they? Shocking as it may seem, a steady increasing number of these runaways are age 65 and over. Once they’ve turned a tricktheur first john, for their pimp, they seldom return to the nursing homes and senior citizen retirement villages from where they came. We arrest them, they bail their way out with Social Security and old-age pension checks. And there they are — back in the street — hustling. Turning TRICKS! With JOHNS! For their PIMPS!! [ shakes his head ] This is the story of one of… the Little Old Ladies of the Night.

[ he folds his arms and leans back in his chair ]

[ SUPER: “Little Old Ladies of the Night” ]

[ dissolve to Anytown Bus Station, night ]

[ Hooker #1 shines her pimp’s shoes as Hooker #2 stands to the side ]

Snow: Now, y’all better shape up, now. You gotta stabilize my income. You know, my wardrobe is fluctuating.

[ A little old lady enters the bus station carrying two suitcases. She ambles over toward the pimp and his hookers. ]

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, sir — but are you the manager of this bus station?

Snow: [ he smiles ] Ohhh, I smell chicken. [ he stands to admire the little old lady ] Hello, fox! You’re lookin’ good, baby, lookin’ good! Ooh!

Little Old Lady: Do you know where I can find something to eat, and a place to stay for twenty-one cents?

Snow: [ seizing the opportunity ] Oh. Uh, why you are welcome in my home, baby. I’m Snow. Yeah.

Hooker 1: Yeaaahhh, all you have to do is whatever Snow tells you to do — thirty of forty times a night. And then give whatever money you make for doing it to Snow.

Hooker 2: Yeah, and clean out the glove compartment of Snow’s caddie three times a week.

Hooker 1: With your tongue!

Snow: Yeah.

Little Old Lady: Well… I’m always happy to pitch in and do a few chores.

Snow: Well, baby, I am sure that you are gonna be onwe of my ma-a-a-ain breadwinners for many, many, many… months. Uhh — I’m gonna, uh — [ waves his hands nervously, having forgotten his line ] uh — gone. You know, you’re welcome, you hear, to Snow’s stable!

Little Old Lady: Yeah.

Snow: Right.

Little Old Lady: Right.

Snow: I’ll see y’all at our table!

Hooker 1: See you later, Snow! Bye, bye!

Hooker 2: So long!

Hooker 1: Hey, honey, you want some coffee?

Little Old Lady: Uh — tea, please.

Hooker 2: Okay, listen up: rocket to the moon, $25; walking the dog, $15; and just to pop the weasel, a dime.

Hooker 1: [ as a Man grabs a seat at the counter ] Hey! Honey! Check out my approach! [ she reaches over to touch his hands ] Hey, hey — want to go a party?

Man: [ considers the offer briefly ] Sure. Where?

Hooker 1: Outside, beyond that row of lockers. [ he stares at her, confused ] Come on! Shake it, honey!

[ she coddles him out of his stool and leads him outside ]

Hooker 2: [ to the little old lady ] Okay, we’ll be back in four minutes. Get to work. Snow needs a new wardrobe.

[ Hooker 2 follows Hooker 1 and the Man outside, passing Capt. Joe Palentine’s booth along the way. He holds his badge up to the camera and gives the audience a knowing glance. ]

Capt. Joe Palentine: This type of come-on — or touch — or procurement — takes place thousands of times a day. And it’s a 24-hour trade. Street hustlers! Turning TRICKS! With JOHNS!! For their PIMPS!!!

[ the little old lady hesitantly approaches Palentine and his fellow officer at their table ]

Little Old Lady: Uh — hi, Sonny. Want to go to a party…?

[ Palentine and his officer jupm to their feet and display their badges ]

Capt. Joe Palentine: You’re under arrest for soliciting!!

[ they surround the little old lady ]

Officer: [ frowning ] Hey, wait a minute, Joe — take a good look at her.

Capt. Joe Palentine: I know, she’s overage. But we gotta book her, anyway!

Little Old Lady: Oh, please don’t arrest me. The other girls will be back soon, and we can all go have a party behind the lockers.

Little Old Lady: You don’t understand, do you? I’m a good cop. I don’t do that kind of stuff. Sure, there are guys who would do it… but they wouldn’t respect you the next day. Come on.

Capt. Joe Palentine: We’re doing you a FAVOR by runnin’ you in!

Little Old Lady: [ reassuringly ] It sounds stupid, but he’s right.

Capt. Joe Palentine: We’re trying to save you from a life as a… STREET HUSTLER!!!! Turning TRIIIIIIICCKKKKSSS!!!! [ a beat ] With JOHNS!!! For their pimps!!!

Little Old Lady: Believe me. Trust me. yuo’ve got to listen to me — not just for me, or for you — but for all the others like you. The ones I couldn’t help, even though I wanted to. Not just for them. But for you… and for me… and for all the others like you and like me… and the others who are like you AND like me —

Capt. Joe Palentine: Run her uptown, Bill!! I’ll talk to you later.

Little Old Lady: Come on, let’s go, baby.

Little Old Lady: Yeah. [ to Palentine as she’s dragged away ] Honkey pig! Remember Attica! ATT-I-CA!!! ATTTTTT-I-CA!!!

[ alone, Palentine points his badge at the camera ]

Capt. Joe Palentine: Well, there it is! A sweet little lady! And if we hadn’t stopped her, she could have become a street hustler! And you know what street hustlers do. They turn TRIIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKSSSSS!!!! With JOHNS, for their PIIIMPS!!! [ he hyperventilates at the thought, as the two hookers return and surround him ]

Hooker 1: Heyyyyy, honey? Want to go a party?

Capt. Joe Palentine: [ muffles up ] Yeah, I guess so…

[ they exit the scene ]

[ applause, as camera rises to the balcony and zooms in a woman in the audience, with SUPER: “Made America’s Least-Dressed List” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Injured John

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Jane Curtin
…..John Belushi’s Doctor
…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: [ into the phone ] — I’m telling you, because he can’t… because he can’t do the show. Listen, he was in dress rehearsal — you’re ognna have to ask Danny to go out and do the opening. Belushi is just not rea —

[ Jane Curtin enters with a bespectacled man at her side ]

John Belushi’s Doctor: Mr. Michaels?

Lorne Michaels: [ to his visitor ] Yeah, one second, please. [ into the phone ] Okay? Send Danny out.

[ Lorne hangs up the phone and stands ]

Jane Curtin: Lorne, this is John’s doctor.

Lorne Michaels: Hi.

John Belushi’s Doctor: Mr. Michaels, he’s — he’s — he’s GOT to go on! Now, maybe he’s not one-hundred per cent Belushi… but he’s got the drive, he’s got the will, he’ll — he’ll — he’ll —

Lorne Michaels: Doctor —

John Belushi’s Doctor: He’s GOT to perform! That’s all. Now, he’d be CRUSHED if he doesn’t!

Lorne Michaels: Doctor, I don’t want to — I don’t want to, uh, argue with you. But from what I saw at dress rehearsal, I canNOT put Belushi on national television.

John Belushi’s Doctor: Uh, Gilda — ?

Lorne Michaels: He’s like in a coma —

John Belushi’s Doctor: Gilda, would you please fetch him in here. [ to Lorne ] Just take ONE more look at him!

Lorne Michaels: They’ve already started. We’re on the air right now!

John Belushi’s Doctor: I — I — I understand — I understand —

Lorne Michaels: I CAN’T put him in the top!

John Belushi’s Doctor: [ Gilda wheels John Belushi into Lorne’s office stretched across a wheelchair ]

John Belushi’s Doctor: Ah! Well, now, you see — you see — you see — you see?

Lorne Michaels: Look — I can’t let this man on television. He’s a — I mean, he’s barely awake!

[ Belushi males comic motions from his position in the wheelchair ]

John Belushi’s Doctor: Lorne, if John Belushi could speak… he’d TELL you he’s GOT to go on!

Lorne Michaels: Doc, I — I — I — I don’t understand: why are you so convinced that this man can do a show?

John Belushi’s Doctor: [ he chuckles ] Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s about my fee. You see, uh — if he doesn’t go on —

Lorne Michaels: Yeah?

John Belushi’s Doctor: He doesn’t get paid.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

John Belushi’s Doctor: And, if he doesn’t get paid, I don’t get paid. And if I don’t get paid… I’ll be forced to cut off his drugs!

[ Belushi perks up his head in worry, as the camera zooms in on him ]

John Belushi: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Crazy Frank

Crazy Frank…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Crazy Frank standing behind an appliance counter with a TV and turntable on it ]

Crazy Frank: [ waving his a hands frantically into the camera ] CRAZY ERNIE!! Boy, is Ernie crazy!! He’s been at it again, folks, slashing prices so low you won’t believe it!! Shop around, then come see for yourself!! Crazy Ernie will NOT be undersold!! For the BEST bargains in stereos, color TVs, radios — Crazy Ernie is your man!! He’s got it ALL!! [??] hi-fi components, coaxial [??] with custom headphones — cassette decks — [??]and LOTS, LOTS MORE!!! CRAZY ERNIE!! His prices are IN-SANE!!

[ SUPER: “Amplifiers: $534.98 (scratched out) NOW: $49.95” ]

[ SUPER: “Tapedecks: $349.98 (scratched out) NOW: $19.95” ]

[ SUPER: “Stereo Speakers: $266.98 (scratched out) NOW: $4.00” ]

I mean it — his prices are IN-SANE!!! Because Crazy Ernie is really CRAZY!! And I don’t mean “crazy prices” crazy — I’m talking crazy “not playing with a full deck” crazy!! I mean, REALLY CRAZY!! Look at this: [ touches the turntable ] This [??] with face-lock circuitry and direct-motor drive: $900!! Marked down to $12!!

[ SUPER: “Turntables: $900.00 (scratched out) NOW: $12.00” ]

And this brand new ? now yours for fifty-two cents!!

[ SUPER: “Color TV’s: $699.00 (scratched out) NOW: 52¢” ]

WHY is Crazy Ernie slashing prices SO LOW??!! Because it’s NOT Crazy Ernie’s store!! [ checks over his shoulder ] In fact… [ whispers ] He’s not even Crazy Ernie — he’s Crazy Frank, Crazy Ernie’s cousin. You see, last Tuesday, the real Crazy Ernie — whose store this really is — ran off to the Bahamas with Crazy Frank’s girl. To tell you the truth, I DON’T LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE WITH HIM!! You know, if I had a shovel or something to stun him with, you know —

YOU’D be crazy not to tkae advantage of these bargains!! Cash in on this!! Crazy Frank wants to unload all this stuff by next Tuesday, when the REAL Crazy Ernie gets back from the Bahamas!! Crazy Frank!! His prices are IN-SA-A-A-A-ANE!!!

[ surrounding SUPER: “Crazy Frank” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Sex Questions

Written by: Anne Beatts & Rosie Shuster

Babysitter…..Ruth Gordon
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner

TV Voice: Due to the mature subject matter dealt with in the following film, parental discretion is advised.

Announcer: And now: “Babies in Make-Up”.

[ Babysitter turns the TV off ]

Little Girl: Oh, no! Oh, no! Please, Mrs. Gilley, please can I watch it? Oh, please, I’ll be so sad if I don’t, it’s gonna be the best show on television! Please!

Babysitter: No. Your mother told me you’re not allowed to watch it.

Little Girl: Why?

Babysitter: Because it’s dirty.

Little Girl: Dirty, like take-a-bath dirty?

Babysitter: Not exactly.

Little Girl: Dirty, like barenaked-in-front-of-strangers dirty?

Babysitter: Yeah, more like that.

Little Girl: Like, when your pajama trap door is open and there’s company over and your bum shows?

Babysitter: Yeah.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley?

Babysitter: What, Penny?

Little Girl: Want to see my bum?

Babysitter: No.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, Why do girls have more dirty parts than boys?

Babysitter: Because.. boys are always losing their things. God figured, if you clump all the dirty parts together, they’d know where to find them.

Little Girl: Well.. if.. if.. boys don’t have fuzz bumps, how come they still have two pink dots right here?

Babysitter: Yeah. Well, see.. that’s for when God blew them up.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, how do you get a baby?

Babysitter: Well, the man takes the lady out to a fancy dinner, then go home and they do the Cha Cha lying down?

Little Girl: And then what happens?

Babysitter: Well, then the next day, the mommy calls up her best friend from across the road, asks her to go out and buy pillows so she can stuff them up her sweater.

Little Girl: Oh, no, no, that’s wrong! Tell me the real way you get a baby.

Babysitter: No, you’re too young.

Little Girl: Oh, please, please!

Babysitter: Oh, okay. Here’s the real story. You see, the man zips and unzips his pants seven times real quick, and then he says, “Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby!”

Little Girl: [ excited ] Oh.. well, I know all this stuff, anyway. First, the lady marries a daddy, and then they have a baby.. and then the lady marries another daddy, and then they have another baby, and then the babies go on television.

Babysitter: Where’d you learn that?

Little Girl: “Sonny & Cher”.

Babysitter: Well, that’s all wrong, see.. the daddy takes off his jockey shorts, and the mommy puts them on. Then they go in the kitchen and they eat bacon and eggs off the same fork.

Little Girl: Oh. Well.. now that I know everything, can we watch the movie?

Babysitter: Okay. But don’t tell your mother, huh?

Little Girl: Okay.

[ Babysitter turns the TV back on ]

Voice on TV: Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby..

[ pan out to audience full shot ]

[ SUPER: “Is Helen Gurley’s Brown?” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 22nd, 1977

Ruth Gordon

Chuck Berry

Ricky Jay

Lorne Michaels

Neil Levy

Michael O’Donoghue

Injured JohnSummary: John Belushi is in no condition to do tonight’s show, but his doctor will cut off his drug supply if he doesn’t get paid.

Transcript

Montage

Ruth Gordon’s MonologueSummary: Ruth Gordon announces that she’s ready to do tonight’s show.

Transcript

The MarinesSummary: A gay Marine (Garrett Morris) tries to pick up a few good men.

Note: Repeat from 11/13/76.

MeSummary: Barbra Streisand (Laraine Newman) sings “Me”, a medley about how great she is.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Streisand.

Transcript

The Litella Sisters At HomeSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) and her sister Essie (Ruth Gordon) make toast and discuss the day’s issues.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) talks with director Dino De Laurentiis (John Belushi) discusses his “King Kong” remake.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Chuck Berry performs “Johnny B. Goode”

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman interviews Lillian Carter (Gordon) about being First Mother. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) tells Jane Curtin that she has nothing to report on.

Recurring Characters: Lillian Carter, Emily Litella.

Transcript

Crazy FrankSummary: Crazy Frank (Dan Aykroyd) gets revenge on Crazy Ernie by slahing his prices.

Transcript

Night MovesSummary: Garrett Morris’ girlfriend disapproves of his absence, in a film by Gary Weis.

Little Old Ladies Of The NightSummary: An elderly woman (Ruth Gordon) gets mixed up in the world of street hustling.

Transcript

Chuck Berry performs “Marie” & “Carol”

Sex QuestionsSummary: Babysitter (Ruth Gordon) answers a little girl’s (Gilda Radner) questions about sex.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: Mr. Bill gets mangled in Sluggo’s magic act.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Bill.

Transcript

Ricky JaySummary: Ricky Jay performs a card trick with two audience members.

The Last Days of Howard HughesSummary: Howard Hughes’ (Laraine Newman) strange behavior is observed.

Recurring Characters: Howard Hughes.

World of AdventureSummary: An anthropologist’s (Ruth Gordon) breast-filled film excites E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller.

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells Fifi the maid (Gilda Radner) the story of “Willy The Worm.”

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Bill Murray
… Laraine Newman
Mr. Rigg … Ralph Nader
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Jane Curtin: [before she can begin, the phonebeside her on the desk rings and she picks up]Hello?

John Belushi: [on the phone] Hi, Jane? This is,uh, John. John Belushi!

Jane Curtin: Hi, John! How are you?

[Black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen.SUPER: VOICE OF JOHN BELUSHI]

John Belushi: Well, uh, not too good, actually,uh, ha! You probably noticed I haven’t been in theshow yet. Well, uh, y’see, that’s ’cause I’m in thehospital. I have a hurt leg, you know. Uh…

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: I got a knee injury, you know,kind o’ like, uh, Joe Namath kind of thing, youknow?

Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah, yeah.

John Belushi: And, yeah, I’ve been here, like,a week, Jane, and, uh, see, nobody’s come to visit meor anything. And, uh, nobody’s even called. And therehasn’t been any publicity about me not doing the show.I mean, when Chase was in the hospital, there was, uh,a lot of publicity in the–

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: Yeah, John. John, we didn’t – wedidn’t want to depress everyone during the first partof the show so we thought we’d wait until thegoodnights to tell them about it.

[Another black and white photo of Belushi fills thescreen. SUPER: IN HAPPIER TIMES]

John Belushi: Oh. Oh, okay.

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: Well, I just want to telleveryone that I am in the hospital. I hurt my leg.It’s a, uh, torn meniscus in the knee, it’s acartilage. It needs to be …

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

John Belushi: … uh, operated on. But Iwill be back next week. With or without myleg.

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

John Belushi: They’re thinking about cutting itoff with a chain saw but I’m hoping not to.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

John Belushi: By the way, hey, uh, who’s thatnew kid in the show? The one with the mustache? Er,Murphy? What’s his name?

Jane Curtin: No, no, no. Billy Murray. Isn’t hegreat? He can do anything.

John Belushi: [sarcastic] Heh. Yeah, sure. Uh,I’m sure he can. How ’bout a samurai? Can he do asamurai?

Jane Curtin: Oh, John, Billy does the bestsamurai I have ever seen. It’s like watching ToshiroMifune.

John Belushi: Yeah, well, you know, imitationsare easy. They’re cheap, you know, anybody can doimitations. Can he act, Jane? Can heact?

Jane Curtin: John, I have been doing sceneswith him all week and he is a gem to work with.

John Belushi: [skeptical] Yeah.

Jane Curtin: And, you know, he doesn’tmind being a Bee? [laughs, Belushi joins inironically] Hey, John, I gotta go. Call us when, uh,you get back from the hospital, okay? And come up andvisit us at the office any time.

John Belushi: Hey, listen, do I get paid forthis show this week, you know?

Jane Curtin: [laughs] Bye, John!

John Belushi: I’d like to buy myselfflowers–

[Jane, laughing, hangs up, clears her throat andstarts the news.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of President Ford putting a medal aroundLadybird Johnson’s neck] In one of his final acts asCommander-in-Chief, President Gerald Ford made a lastditch effort this week to beautify America bystrangling Ladybird Johnson. … [applause]

In Aspen, Colorado, a jury found Claudine Longetguilty of, quote, “criminally negligent homicide,” endquote, and sentencing was set for January 31st. If themaximum sentence is handed down, the former wife ofsinger Andy Williams could be sent up Moon River fortwo years. …

Last month, Jimmy Carter caused an uproar amongtraditionalists when he said he didn’t intend to wearthe customary stovepipe hat to his inauguration.However, this week, he bowed to the traditionalistdemands and here he is shown in his inaugurationattire, including the hat. [Doctored photo of Carterin top hat and a jacket covered with smiley faces]…

Jane Curtin: Well, the inauguration is onlyfive days away and, as a special feature, Bill Murrayhas a look at our future First Lady. Bill, you’ve beenfollowing Rosalyn Carter now for about two years, isthis right?

Bill Murray: [nods] Following indeed, Jane.[Bill and Jane share a laugh] Rosalyn Carter is notonly going to be a dynamic First Lady but also a veryattractive one. Her lush brunette good looks aresultry, Southern, and S-E-X-Y. … Those big browneyes and those full, pouty, pouty lips bring asmoldering sensuality to the White House. There issomething about the back of a woman’s leg. And if Iwere to look in my heart at our new First Lady’s leg,I would see her in the black-seamed stockings of theforties that have never gone out of style in my book.I see the First Lady’s seam going up a nicely-definedcalf, underneath the lace of her slip and riding overthe meaty part of the upper leg … up and over thebuttock to the hip. Truly, a journey of the damned…. And one that this reporter might just book passageon. [chuckles] Next week, Miss Amy Carter. Back toyou, Jane. [Applause.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill.

[Doctored photo of President Ford and his familywearing outfits with an “F” insignia on their chests]Concerned with their futures, President Ford and hisentire family has signed a contract with the WilliamMorris Agency. The talent agency feels that the Fordshave a great future in the entertainment field,claiming that this is the first time to theirknowledge that a president’s family has developed atrapeze act. The Flying Fords plan to entertain atstate fairs and circuses and hope to get it togetherin time to be the opening act for Jerry Vale at theConcord Hotel on Labor Day weekend. …[applause]

[Photo of an elderly nun sitting on a motorizedscooter] Well, a lot older and much wiser since her TVseries was canceled, the Flying Nun now resorts to amore conservative means of transportation. Says thegrounded sister, “The scooter is not quite as excitingas flying but it gets me where I want to go and I’mnot shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be.”…

Jane Curtin: Solar energy has become acontroversial issue today because the oil industrysees it as a threat to their profits. This week, aSenate Select Committee on solar energy has beenmeeting in secret and, for more on this, here isLaraine Newman in the Capitol.

[Cut to Laraine with microphone in hand, standing infront of a closed door.]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing outside thecommittee room waiting for the session to break up. Ithink it’s about to break up now. [The door opens andthe pompous Mr. Rigg, an oil company executive,emerges to join Laraine] Oh, we’re in luck, Jane. Thechairman of the board of Texxon which dominates mostof the oil industry, as you know, has just come out ofthe room. Mr. Rigg, did you attend the committeesession?

Mr. Rigg: Well, yes, the senators always allowme to sit in with them at their sessions.

Laraine Newman: Well, what happened inthere?

Mr. Rigg: We — that is, the Texxon Corporation– said that we would be glad to go along with thesolar energy program — if the committee would onlymake three minor concessions to protect ourinvestment.

Laraine Newman: I see. And what were thoseconcessions?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon thinks it, first, should ownthe sun.

Laraine Newman: I see.

Mr. Rigg: We also need a Solar Depletion TaxAllowance — since the sun depreciates overtime.

Laraine Newman: Ah, that’s two. And thethird?

Mr. Rigg: And Texxon must have the right toorder its prices raised whenever there is aneclipse.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. Uh, what next, Mr.Riggs?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon is about to consume allAmerican solar, coal, oil, gas, geothermal firms.[standing stiffly at attention] Monopoly ispatriotic!

Laraine Newman: [disenchanted] Ah. Thank you.This is Laraine Newman in the Capitol Building inWashington.

[Back to Jane at the desk. Applause.]

Jane Curtin: President-elect Carter put hisfinancial holdings in a blind trust and outlined acode of ethics for his cabinet members to follow toavoid conflicts of interest. [Doctored photo of BrockAdams with SPACE AVAILABLE / CALL 555-8782 printed onhis forehead] Here, his Secretary ofTransportation-designate Brock Adams tells the SenateCommerce Committee he will stop renting out his hugeforehead as a billboard. …

[Photo of young children in zebra-striped outfits] Inresponse to complaints about the officiating in thisyear’s National Football League season, CommissionerPete Rozelle announced the formation of anNFL-sponsored twenty-year officiating program thatstarts aspiring officials at an early age. …

Doomed slayer Gary Gilmore has taken a cue fromPresident-elect Carter and is inviting all of Americato the Utah State Prison on Monday for what he iscalling “a people’s execution.” There will be apre-execution gala concert and, following Gilmore’sdeath by firing squad, there will be a series ofpost-execution balls and receptions. Gilmore will notattend the latter. …

Jane Curtin: And now a new addition to ourUpdate team is correspondent Emily Litella withtonight’s commentary. [applause] Well, Miss Litella -you’ve badgered us all for a long time and now youhave a job. Welcome.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Oh, well, thank you, Jane. It’svery lovely to be part of a news team. Ah, tonight’scommentary is very important because I hearthat President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico asteak! … Now, why does he have to make them asteak? I didn’t think those people even likedmeat. … Now, let me warn all of you. If you makePuerto Rico a steak, the next thing they’ll want is abaked potato! With sour cream and chives andlittle tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And thenthey’ll probably want a salad bar! Why, they’ll belined up for miles! If President Ford wants to beremembered as a great president in his final days, heshould do something about the price of coffee! Notsteak! It’s outrageous! I can’t believe what that manis doing–

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] MissLitella, you’ve done it again. That’s not “steak.”President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico astate. Not a steak — a state.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I’m sorry.[squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. …[applause]

Jane Curtin: Miss – Miss Litella. Let – let’sget something straight. We’ve put up with your slighthearing impairment for a long time now and in thebeginning it was cute. But now you’re part of a newsteam and we like to report the news accurately. Now,if you don’t report the news accurately, we’ll have tolet you go. No job is permanent. Do you understand me?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, yes, I do. I’ll – Iwill certainly do my best. I’ll try to do better,hm.

Jane Curtin: Please do.

Emily Litella: Bitch! … [applause – after amoment, Miss Litella briefly holds up two fingersbehind Jane’s head to the crowd’s delight]

Jane Curtin: That’s our news for tonight. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jane turns and glares at Miss Litella as we push inand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph’s New Image

… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Ralph Nader
… Jane Curtin
… Garrett Morris
… Laraine Newman

[At the Studio 8H elevator bank, an anxious GildaRadner confers with cool, calm Dan Aykroyd.]

Gilda Radner: Danny! Danny, he’s late!

Dan Aykroyd: Ralph Nader’s never late. He saidhe’d be here at eleven thirty-two, he’ll behere at eleven thirty-two.

Gilda Radner: Well, well, I hope he can do theshow without any rehearsal. I mean, it’s hard enoughfor a professional comedian to come here and do theshow. What about a consumer advocate?

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s the busiest man in theworld. It doesn’t matter. He’s Ralph Nader and it’sjust such a coup getting him on the show. It’sgreat.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, but don’t you think he’stoo straight? I mean, he’s kind of serious for ourshow.

Dan Aykroyd: Ah, no, no, no. Lorne was talkin’to him all week and, uh, you know, he said, toldLorne, he said, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna relax and havefun with it.” I wouldn’t worry about iteither.

Gilda Radner: [checks her watch] Okay, well,look, it’s eleven thirty-two now.

[Behind them, an elevator door opens.]

Dan Aykroyd: Well, he’ll be here.

Gilda Radner: [sees Ralph Nader emerge fromelevator] Oh, Danny. Danny.

[A smiling Nader – wearing a flashy, fringed,rhinestone-encrusted cowboy outfit, red kerchiefaround his neck and a white ten gallon hat on his head- joins Danny and Gilda, shaking hands withthem.]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, Mr. Nader. Hi, uh, I’m DanAykroyd. This is, uh, Gilda Radner.

Gilda Radner: Right, yeah. Mr. Nader, I’m GildaRadner.

Ralph Nader: Danny! Gilda! Please! Call me”Ralph” – “Ralphie” – or anything you want!

Dan Aykroyd: Great.

[The three of them start walking away from theelevators, the camera tracking with them as theygo.]

Gilda Radner: Oh. Well, Ralphie, come on, wegotta go to make-up. We gotta hurry a littlebit.

Ralph Nader: Terrific!

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, you’re really well turnedout.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I – I like that suit. That’s veryinteresting.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Really, that’s great, looksgreat.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: You know, I just thought tomyself, What the heck? This is my first experience inshow business and I’m just gonna cutloose!

[Danny and Gilda lead Nader down a hall and around acorner.]

Gilda Radner: Oh, great. Well …

Dan Aykroyd: Great!

Gilda Radner: …. make-up’s in here andeveryone’s really excited. It’s our first show aftervacation.

Dan Aykroyd: [calls out to the group in themake-up room] He’s here!

[They enter a mirrored room filled with make-upartists, writers, and actors. Among those present: AlFranken, Garrett Morris and Jane Curtin.]

Gilda Radner: Come on. Here’s Ralph,everybody!

Ralph Nader: Hey! How are ya?! How are ya?!

[Nader and the SNL group greet one anotherwarmly.]

Garrett Morris: Ralph! How ya doin’?

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] Oh, sit, sit. [Nadersits in a make-up chair] You know, Mr. Nader, we alladmire your work so much and it’s an honor to have youon the show. [Garrett – wearing a make-up bib – nodsin agreement, smiles and takes a bite out of a hotdog]

Ralph Nader: Thank you, Jane, but, please,everybody — like I was saying to Danny and Gilda –please call me Ralph or Ralphie!

Jane Curtin: Okay, Ralphie! [the others murmurin agreement]

Ralph Nader: I’m here to have fun tonight!

Jane Curtin: Yeah? Well …

Ralph Nader: Tonight, there’ll be no more ofthis defects and – and abuses that I’ve managed tofind twenty-four hours a day. Tonight, for ninetyminutes, I’m Ralph Nader — Mr. Good Time!

[Everybody laughs, cheers, says, “All right!” ormurmurs in agreement. Gilda takes Nader’s cowboyhat.]

Make-Up Artist: [puts make-up bib in Nader’scollar] There you go, Mr. Good Time. [starts to applyNader’s make-up] Okay …

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] You’re gonna havefun.

Ralph Nader: [suddenly serious, to the make-upartist] Wait a minute! Is that Eye ChiefMake-Up?

Make-Up Artist: Uh, yes, it is.

Ralph Nader: Eye Chief Make-Up contains Red DyeNumber Two.

Make-Up Artist: It does? Well, I didn’tknow.

Ralph Nader: This make-up has a possibility ofcausing skin cancer.

Jane Curtin: Oh, well, we’ll stop using itimmediately.

Make-Up Artist: Absolutely.

Gilda Radner: Skin cancer?

[Everyone is stunned and unnerved. Jane peersapprehensively into the make-up mirror and touches ahand to her face.]

Garrett Morris: [takes Nader’s hand] Ah, well,uh, well, Ralph –

Ralph Nader: That’s the tragedy withcarcinogens.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, well, hey, hey, hey-

Ralph Nader: It may be already toolate.

Garrett Morris: [guides Nader out of chair andleads him out of the room, leaving the stunned groupbehind] Yeah, let me take you to your – your – thewardrobe room so you can, uh, put on your costume,man.

Ralph Nader: [excited again] Costumes?! Youmean I wear costumes?!

Garrett Morris: [laughs]

Ralph Nader: Oh! This is gonna be fun!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, man. Right this way, man.

[Garrett, eating his hot dog, leads Nader around acorner.]

Ralph Nader: [serious again] What’s this, a hotdog you’re eating?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: A hot dog?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Do you enjoy eating rat excrementand rodent hairs?

[The two men stop walking. Garrett stares at hishalf-eaten hot dog.]

Garrett Morris: Uh, this has rat excrement androdent hairs in it, huh?

Ralph Nader: That’s right. [the two mencontinue slowly down the hall] Federal regulationspermit a minimum amount of rat excrement and rodenthairs in hot dogs.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, I – I – I didn’t knowthat, Ralph. Thank you…

Ralph Nader: No problem.

Garrett Morris: … very much.

Ralph Nader: No problem.

[Garrett leads Nader over to Laraine Newman, thenwalks off down the hall and disappears into a dressingroom.]

Laraine Newman: [thrilled to meet Nader] RalphNader!

Ralph Nader: [smiling, excited again] Hi!Laraine Newman!

Laraine Newman: Hey, you know, I’m a bigadmirer of yours, I really am. I just can’t helpmyself, I’ve gotta hug you.

[Laraine gives Nader a big hug.]

Ralph Nader: Why, thank you. Not too tight now,you’ll activate my air bag!

[Abruptly, we hear but do not see an air bag deploy -Laraine breaks the clinch and steps back.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, my God!

Ralph Nader: [looks down to see that the airbag – hidden somewhere on his person – has notdeployed] Whoops! [grins at Laraine] Well … [intothe camera, smiling] Live, from New York, it’sSaturday night!

[Cheers and applause. Nader smiles sheepishly andmoves off as we dissolve to the openingmontage.]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph Nader’s Monologue

… Ralph Nader

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ralph Nader!

Ralph Nader: [enters from the audience to stand athome base, acknowledges the applause, and puts on hiseyeglasses] I– Thank you very much, of course. I feela slight loss of innocence doing this show tonight.After all, this television studio’s in the RCABuilding in midtown Manhattan, the heart of CorporateAmerica. I had my doubts about working here. But Imust say that everybody here’s been very friendly andhelpful. To be honest, I didn’t really expect thismuch cooperation — especially since my researchgroups have been investigating the RCA corporation,which owns NBC, for a number of corporate abuses.

[Although his voice continues, Nader’s imagedisappears, replaced by a graphic that reads: NETWORKTROUBLE TEMPORARY]

We’re concerned about their hazardous workingconditions, alleged price fixing, bribes to foreignofficials and too much television violence.

[Nader’s image returns.]

I could go on and on but this is a night forentertainment, a night for fun! And I must say againthat the people here at NBC have treated mewonderfully. They’ve really been terrific consideringthe fact that we’ve just sued them for ten milliondollars for deceptive advertising.

[Abruptly, the image goes out of focus and the camerapans off Nader.]

In any case, we have a challenging show tonight andwe’ll be right back after this message.

[Camera pans back to a grinning Nader and returns tofocus as the audience applauds.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts